tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC September 12, 2019 11:34pm-12:35am PDT
triple digits we will track things cooling down for your weekend. join us 4:30 to 7:00 a.m. >> finally tonight, "saturday night live" is getting a new cast member and long awaited asian representation. bowen yang joined the staff as a writer last year. now, he will be in front of the camera full time. he said that he grew up watching snl and had dreams of being on the show but there were not too many people that looked like him, so he didn't think he a chance. he is on the show now. we will see him september 28th. >> look forward to it. we will see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller a, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." and now, here he is, jimmy fallon
[ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. thank you very much. hello. [ cheers and applause wow. that's very nice thank you. thank you very, very much. please, please welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. welcome to "the tonight show." you're here, you made it thank you for being here you look good. [ cheers and applause you guys, we got a great show. jennifer garner is here tonight. [ cheers and applause >> steve: oh >> jimmy: jim jefferies is here [ cheers and applause and we've got music from megan thee stallion. [ cheers and applause oh, my goodness. she is huge right now with her hit "hot girl summer." [ cheers ] although after seeing joe biden and bernie sanders at tonight's debate, it feels more like "old man fall." [ laughter ] tonight was the third democratic debate, and i read that the candidates were all
warned not to swear during the debate and it got weird when bernie was like, "and what about nudity?" [ laughter ] yeah, tonight was the third democratic debate and i heard that the candidates were warned not to swearem [ laughter ] so tonight was the third democratic debate. and there was a lot of pressure on the candidates. check out how beto o'rourke tried to relax ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] and someone asked beto what his poll numbers were. and he's like, "one, two, three. three. [ laughter ] he's actually not that bad on the drums. and he's definitely better than pete buttigieg on guitar you saw this ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you see -- see harvey - they're like, "oh, wow." get this trump's campaign hired a plane
to fly over the debate that said "socialism will kill houston's economy. [ light laughter ] it was a great plan until they realized the debate was happening at nighttime [ laughter and applause just yell, "social --" oh, forget it. they can't hear us [ laughter ] here's a pretty crazy story just came out that the racehorse justify who won last year's triple crown failed a a drug test before the kentucky derby. [ audience oohs officials knew something was up before the race when justify told his jockey, "pee in this cup for me." [ laughter and applause yeah, you could tell he was on something when his trainer needed a giant saddle to cover up the horse's bacne [ laughter ] i mean, do people really not know this horse is on something? look at the horse. it's - i mean, something -- [ laughter ] >> steve: come on. you don't notice come on, man >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: some more sports news, there are rumors that jennifer lopez - i'm sorry. can we go back i just want to see that horse.
i can see the horse thing. [ laughter ] that's pretty funny. some more sports news. there are rumors that jennifer lopez might perform at this year's super bowl halftime show [ cheers and applause the nfl is really hoping she says yes, because their next option is pete buttigieg and beto o'rourke. ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well speaking -l and it is about -- [ cheers and applause it is about a group of strippers who start embezzling money from the guys who visit their strip club [ laughter ] >> steve: wow. that's a pretty creative idea for a movie. >> jimmy: actually it was based on a true story. >> steve: what >> jimmy: are you okay, man? >> steve: yeah, [ coughing ] >> jimmy: gotcha >> steve: you wouldn't happen to know what specific strip club - [ laughter ] -- this true story happened atdu
>> jimmy: i think it's called scores >> jimmy: you need to take a a break? >> steve: no, i'm fine really. but tell me, how did these so-called hustlers hustle people exactly >> jimmy: well, guys would go to the club. >> steve: uh-huh [ laughter ] >> jimmy: then the women would wine them. >> steve: uh-huh [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they'd dine them [ laughter ] then they'd rack up a bunch of charges on their credit card higgins, higgins, are you okay >> steve: yes! but tell me this, what happened to the guys? >> jimmy: i don't know go to jail or something. >> steve: prison wow. so he wouldn't be able to do, like, household chores, mow the lawn, stuff like that? [ light laughter ]
>> jimmy: i guess not. >> steve: hm and they wouldn't have to pay for their kid's college? >> jimmy: there's probably a a government program for that. use taxpayer money >> steve: hmm. [ laughter ] three squares a day? >> jimmy: three squares. [ laughter ] basically all you do all day is read and exercise. >> steve: exercise that's awful i'm not going to prison, old man. you hear me? [ talking over each other [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: hey! get him out of here. get him out of here! get out of here! be careful, man. no jiu-jitsu man >> steve: i got my eye on you, old man! [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: emmy award winner steve higgins, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ golden globe -
golden globe nominee steve higgins right there, everybody. hey, i want to say congratulations to dj khaled who is having a baby [ cheers and applause when the baby was born dj khaled was like, "another one. hey -- [ laughter ] some tv news there's gonna be a new show called "murder house flip" where they flip a house that's been involved in a real-life crime. [ audience oohs yeah, this house show is a a little different instead of seeing these twins, you see these. [ laughter ] "flip with us. [ laughter ] hey, i know you guys know about this a company has started making a a new blue rose. check this thing out yeah, it's pretty cool they only used the finest grapes from france's listerine region [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and finally, neiman marcus is selling a a couch that looks like a hot dog for $7,000 that's crazy i mean who would spend that kind of money on that? oh, that makes a sense [ laughter and applause we have a great show
give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: we got a fun show tonight. jennifer garner is here tonight. [ cheers and applause jim jefferies is here. and we've got music from megan thee stallion -- [ cheers and applause featuring ty dolla $ign and dababy guys, it's the end of the week and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some emails, and of course send out thank you notes. and i was just running a bit behind today - [ cheers and applause i thought, if you wouldn't mind i'd like to write up my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool with you guys [ cheers and applause james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please ♪ >> steve: wow. he's excited >> jimmy: such a good mood
>> steve: yeah mr. pep. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, fall, for being the one season when it's stylish to dress like the couch in your parents basement [ laughter and applause ♪ thank you, new jets coach adam gase for always looking like you just found out you're the coach of the jets. [ laughter and applause >> steve: what i'm the coach of the what? ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, new movie "hustlers," for casting lizzo. i just took a dna test and found out i'm 100% buying a ticket, oh, yeah [ cheers and applause ♪ thank you, italian restaurants whose menus are in italian, for giving me two ordering options pointing at the menu like an idiot or sounding like super mario.
i'll-a have-a da linguine puttanesca [ laughter and applause ♪ thank you, french horns, for basically being an awesome water slide for spit [ laughter ] >> steve: whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa yo [ spits >> jimmy: thank you diy projects, for being a slightly less expensive way to make a a way worse version of something. [ laughter and applause i made that myself that's a soap holder >> steve: yeah, i got it i got it >> jimmy: we're good this one is killer >> steve: this was the best one. >> jimmy: i think someone is standing up. >> steve: are you serious? >> jimmy: that's what the card says [ laughter ] we're going to ask the audience for a standing ovation after this >> steve: really >> jimmy: this is the last thank you note >> higgins: aw [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: for tonight. >> steve: for tonight. >> jimmy: we'll do them every week [ laughter ] >> steve: but for tonight, do the last one tonight yeah
♪ >> jimmy: thank you, fancy bloody mary's. i enjoy all the extra stuff, but at this point, you might as well just give me a cobb salad covered in vodka there you guys have it [ cheers and applause those are my "thank you notes. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show" everybody. come on back ♪ [ cheers and applause d me come on, she won't mind.
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we are about to play "secret ingredient." joining me for the game, please welcome jennifer garner -- [ cheers and applause ♪ and jim jefferies right here [ cheers and applause ♪ now, here's how it works we'll each be served a gourmet three-course meal but each dish contains one unusual secret ingredient and it's our job to figure out what that ingredient is. higgins, what is the first course >> steve: well, to start, it's our baja pineapple margarita, made with organic pineapple, fresh lime juice and glass-rested tequila blanco. but can you guess the secret ingredient [ laughter ] bon appetit-it-it-it-it.
[ light laughter ] >> steve: what is itredient in there it's - >> ew. >> jimmy: oh, i already smelled it >> ew. ew >> steve: no, wrong. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> mmm >> steve: i think jim is going to write down "fun" for his -- >> this is all right [ laughter ] >> steve: all right, what do you think it is? write down your answers. what could it possibly be? ready? jennifer, what do you think the secret - >> jimmy: i think jennifer is going to know this >> steve: pickle juice [ buzzer ] [ fog horn ] no [ audience aws ] wrong. sorry. >> i mean -- >> steve: jimmy? [ laughter ] >> fine, it's fine >> steve: jimmy, what do you think the secret ingredient was knowing it's not pickle juice nor fun. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i wouldn't think it was pickle juice [ laughter ] >> steve: only a fool would write "pickle juice. >> jimmy: pickle juice >> steve: oh [ laughter and applause [ buzzer ] [ fog horn ]
wow. okay, jim, it's up to you. >> i think it had a smokey overtone i think it's some type of meat, ham. >> eh! [ buzzer ] [ laughter ] >> steve: ham. it was mustard >> ew. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mustard. [ fog horn ] >> steve: or must-ard as you say, jim >> yeah, but mustard goes good with ham >> steve: it does. [ laughter ] half point - >> jimmy: you can't give him a a half point for that. >> steve: well, guess what i just did >> jimmy: all right. >> steve: for your next course - >> jimmy: gosh >> we have an autumn harvest chili -- >> all right, bring it, bring ag italian parsley. but can you guess the secret >> jimmy: yep. ingredient >> steve: and finished with bon appetit. what is it it's secret. ♪ [ laughter ] mmm. [ laughter ] woah >> jimmy: get the corn chips out of the way because the corn chips will be a distraction. >> steve: yeah, they'll mess up you palate [ laughter ] oh, not bad. not good not good [ laughter ] but not bad. >> jimmy: chili and has a secret ingredient. >> steve: yeah, so it's -- the secret ingredient is not chili [ laughter ]
nor corn chips nor fried tortillas. are you ready? >> hold on >> no. >> jimmy: no [ laughter ] >> steve: have some more let it roll over your tongue [ laughter ] >> i don't have any idea >> jimmy: there's something, i think. >> steve: it's something -- there's something in there that's secret. >> what is it -- what is it supposed to be sorry. >> steve: it's supposed to be chili. >> just chili? >> steve: chili. >> okay. i mean, i -- >> steve: what doesn't taste chili-like about it? [ laughter ] does it taste too warm to be chili? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who goes first >> don't look at me like that. te ready what do you think the secret ingredient is? corn >> i mean -- >> steve: no [ buzzer ] [ fog horn ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is in chili >> i know. that's why i'm - >> jimmy: that is in chili >> i know. [ talking over each other [ laughter ] >> what a delightful secret ingredient >> jimmy: yeah, the secret ingredient is beans and meat [ laughter ] >> steve: all right, jimmy, what do you think? >> jimmy: oreo cookies >> steve: ooh. [ buzzer ] [ laughter ] >> oh, wow >> steve: ooh. not too shabby >> all right, all right. >> steve: all right, jim, what do you think >> i really can't spell. but i tried to spell "chocolate."
>> jimmy: oh >> oh. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] [ fog horn ] >> steve: can we be more specific with "chocolate?" >> oh. >> oh. >> steve: european-ish >> lindor balls. >> steve: no [ laughter ] don't swear on this show don't swear on this show >> jimmy: ferrero rocher >> it's nutella. [ ding ] >> steve: then they're giving a point to jim [ cheers and applause ♪ >> hazelnut. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: oh, hazelnut >> steve: yeah >> gonna do it, right here >> jimmy: wow, jim jefferies' awesome. >> steve: i'm going to call you guys the hazel nuts. i have a feeling this one -- i think you're going to get this one. >> i don't think so. >> steve: yes, i do. it's for dessert >> jimmy: i can't believe i've - >> steve: southwest southern-style mini red velvet cupcake with buttercream cherry frosting and our homemade rock candy sprinkles. and the chef recommends eating the whole thing in one bite. ♪ this round is worth 10,000 points. >> jimmy: right. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] >> steve: one bite ready? one, two, three, one [ laughter ] okay [ laughter and applause
[ indiscernible okay okay, you are writing it down. there you go doesn't count unless you write it on the pad. [ laughter ] okay, is everybody ready >> yes >> steve: jennifer, what did you say the secret ingredient was? toothpaste is correct! [ cheers and applause ♪ [ laughter ] jimmy. jimmy. jimmy, what did you say -- hey, leave jim alone. jim's got his own -- [ talking over each other [ buzzer ] [ ding ] >> jimmy: what do you mean no? >> steve: yeah, no, yeah >> jimmy: toothpaste >> yeah, yes >> steve: what's that underneath - >> jimmy: then he put -- >> i also wrote "toothpaste. [ ding ] ♪ [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: he wrote gravy he was way off >> steve: so you two win so we need what? a taste-off? [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: we don't have one.
>> what, i got -- i got -- >> jimmy: we don't have one, right? >> steve: no, we don't have one. >> jimmy: that's - >> what kind of toothpaste was that >> jimmy: oh, let's -- let's just - >> steve: yeah, yeah, yeah >> jimmy: let's play guess that >> steve: what kind of toothpaste >> jimmy: all right, what brand name toothpaste? >> it's the one with the waves >> steve: okay, i'll find out. [ laughter ] >> what's it called? >> jimmy: no, no, no >> do you know what i mean come on, jimmy >> jimmy: i know >> you're writing it down. no, it's not that. it's the one that goes like this >> jimmy: no, you think it's that [ laughter ] aquafresh? >> yes >> jimmy: no, no, no >> i think so. >> jimmy: this is the tiebreaker what type of -- do you even know american names of toothpaste >> yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy got it it's crest [ dinging oh >> jimmy: our thanks to jennifer garner, jim jefferies [ cheers and applause more "tonight show" after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our first guest is a a golden globe-winning actress, a successful entrepreneur and the co-founder of the organic baby food company, "once upon a farm." she's also the ambassador for the humanitarian organization "save the children," which is celebrating its 100th anniversary. plea the very lovely jennifer garner. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> no, no, no. you --- >> jimmy: no, no, no >> because i beat your - >> jimmy: jennifer, it's so good to see you. >> i -- i beat you in every game we've ever playedne rememb. >> and i'm in a habit. >> jimmy: what happens is that one i won't really take. because it was a toothpaste -- >> okay. that's fine. you can -- i mean, that's fine but if i were you, i'd grab
hold of it when you can. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god when you can [ laughter ] >> when you can. >> jimmy: when you can thank you for coming back. >> how you doing >> jimmy: you look great buddy >> nice to see you >> jimmy: oh, please i love having you here i'm talking to a -- i'm nervous. because i'm talking to a doctor apparently >> oh, yeah. uh-hmm >> jimmy: wow. you -- >> yes >> jimmy: jennifer just received her honorary doctorate from her college [ cheers and applause wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are a doctor >> yes let's drop the honorary. let's just go with doctor. >> jimmy: i don't know if you can. >> you know, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't think you can drop the honorary. no, you -- >> i think so. i mean - >> jimmy: dr. jennifer garner. >> yeah. >> jimmy: now, what are you doctor of? do you mind? >> just luck [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just luck. [ laughter ] >> just luck that's my friend, mark bryan >> jimmy: this is your -- what college is it? >> it's denison university in g. >> jimmy: okay and did you do the speech? >> yeah. they gave a commencement address. it was -- it is my alma mater. and i went back and gave this commencement address in may. it was really terrifying - >> jimmy: it was >> and really special. have you done it >> jimmy: i did one, yes
>> yeah. >> jimmy: college of st rose you're actually talking to a a doctor [ laughter ] >> really? >> jimmy: oh, yeah >> i'm staying right here. >> jimmy: yeah, absolutely yeah, no >> do you know you're never supposed to high-five on tv? and so, every time someone tries to high-five me, i think, "oh, my gosh it's going to look as bad as i think it is. and then i do it [ laughter ] >> jimmy: was it that bad? >> what do you think was it bad [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, dave, can we see it back? and see -- see -- can we see -- maybe they didn't get the tape ready. and we can watch it back [ laughter ] >> it's me >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> somebody tell me that >> jimmy: you got a little like you're muscle at the end >> well, 'cause i was just, like, "oh, it's coming it's coming. [ laughter ] "i can't let him down. >> jimmy: wait, wait, wait, so what do we do? we just acknowledge? >> we just go, like, "yeah." >> jimmy: yeah, okay, yeah [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but if we have a a real -- what if it's done really quickly >> okay, let's try it. >> jimmy: all right, ready, like, "wait, i got my doctor too. i'm a doctor too." >> "oh, my god me too." >> jimmy: "yeah, it's cool." >> "hey. [ slap noise ] [ laughter ] bingo. ♪
>> jimmy: oh, you're right >> it's just me. i think it's me. i think i'm not meant -- maybe that was a note specific - >> jimmy: for you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i love giving high-fives >> do you? >> jimmy: yeah i'm a high-fiver all the way >> i just miss sometimes [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it feels like you're going and then you give a little extra - >> yeah. >> jimmy: at the end >> let's just try it again let's -- >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. [ drum roll "hey, what's up? [ laughter ] [ cymbal crash ] i mean - >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah >> the thing is, i could kill you with my bare hands - >> jimmy: yeah, i know you can, yeah >> if i wanted to. >> jimmy: but you can't high-five. >> but i can't high-five >> jimmy: we'll figure this out -- >> okay. >> jimmy: next time you're here we have things i want to talk iy >> jimmy: you're about to film a movie -- >> yes >> jimmy: that i'm very excited -- miguel arteta >> miguel arteta >> jimmy: yes, i love miguel arteta. he's the genius, yeah. >> he was the director >> and we're going to do this movie, "yes day!," based on the children's book. of for alexander." it's another family film that >> jimmy: yeah it's for netflix and it's based on this book by amy krouse rosenthal about -- it's a book that i read to my kids and my middle daughter was enamored with this book when she was your kids' age >> jimmy: yeah
>> because it's about a mom who one day of the year says, "yes," all day long. and if you're like, me i -- i kill the fun my -- i am - [ laughter ] i am so lame i say "no" to everything they call me the dragon. they call -- [ laughter ] they have all these names for me so on one day a year i just say, "yes. >> jimmy: okay, to anything? they can be, like, "hey, we want pizza for breakfast?" >> yes "we want pizza with ice cream for breakfast, or with toothpaste, or we want --" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. uh-huh >> jimmy: really >> yeah. >> jimmy: and r yodoars. >> jimmy: you posted something on instagram i follow you by the way, great follow, by the way. it's very fun, funny and your cooking segments are great. [ laughter ] >> thanks. >> jimmy: but this one really made me laugh. this one is from your daughter and it says, well, "when i grow up i want to be a fun killing mom just like you. [ laughter ] >> yep that's -- that is -- >> jimmy: that's love right there. >> that's legit. >> jimmy: that's love right there. >> that is love, yes uh-huh >> jimmy: but, you were fun. no, that's not true. i think you're super fun ve different idea about ds what they'd like to get out of, "yes" day.
>> jimmy: oh, i see. so they have to agree on that. >> they have to agree. 'cause it's -- >> jimmy: yeah >> just one day for -- so, the one thing they can agree on is basically making an ass out of me >> jimmy: no, no, no >> and so, yeah. >> jimmy: you're so fun. i mean, what is the organic -- the organic baby food? what is it called? >> oh, it's called, "once upon a farm." >> jimmy: "once upon a farm. i love that you're doing this. >> yeah, it's really cool. it's a really mission driven business it's -- it's just trying to get healthier, fresher food to all kids out there you e grery store and everyone is, like, "oh, you know, my dog food is human grade. "no, gross!" >> jimmy: yeah it'st >> "it's like mush it's gross to bite of this baby food? and you open it. it um, "hello." >> jimmy: yeah >> so it's just kind of reorganizing the way we think about it and trying to get it out there. it's wic approved in five states, meaning that, you know, moms and families on government funded -- who have government funded needs in the food area can get it on wic.
>> jimmy: and it's affordable. >> yes >> jimmy: good for you [ cheers and applause i like it. you're always doing something with the kids. you are an ambassador for the "save the children" organization >> yeah. >> jimmy: and that's where you're off to tonight, which i'm -- thank you for coming here because i know you have to go out to this gala tonight explain to me how did you get involved and how long has this organization been around >> well, so, i've been working for "save the children" for the lastyears. and tonight we are celebrating the 100th -- it's the centennial it's the 100th year. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: that's a big year. >> and overall, the organization just tries to help kids in the worst places that no one else wants to go, that no one else can touch. and -- and we've been around for 100 years helping kids in disaster relief, both in the united states, and abroad and in, you know, gender equality, trying to get girls educated, trying to get, you know, keep them from getting married when they're babies, trying -- infant mortality and here in the united states, we work where i work, it's -- we work on rural poverty >> jimmy: i think you are one
of the coolest, most fun people around >> no, wait, you're so cool. >> jimmy: your daughter is growing -- yes and you do -- 'cause you do all these fun things and it's cool. i honestly -- i do follow you. and i've known you for years but i mean besides losing to the taste test - [ laughter ] you do have great taste. >> yes >> jimmy: and we love you. and i want you come back whenever -- whenever you're in town >> thank you >> jimmy: jennifer garner, please >> thanks for talking about it >> jimmy: oh, i love it. [ cheers and applause jennifer garner, everybody we'll be right back with jim jefferies. stick around [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ with ai we can protect what we can't see. snow leopards are almost impossible to find, but we need to know where they are, because they are threatened. our camera traps allow us to have and eye in the mountains, taking thousands of pictures. microsoft ai scans through all these images, and separates snow leopards from everything else, in ten minutes instead of ten days. it gives us time to do better research, and save this threatened species.
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♪ >> jimmy: jim, looking good, bud. >> thank you >> jimmy: thank you for coming back and thank you for playing that game right there >> that was -- the most scary bit about that game was i know i can't spell. [ laughter ] and i was like, "oh, hopefully it's not a big ingredient. [ laughter ] and then chocolate came up and i turned to you, "how do i spell chocolate? [ laughter ] and then you went, "it's got another 'o'. and i was, like, "where? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "chocolato." [ laughter ] we -- i kn you he a son. did -- does your son watch our program? >> he doesn't watch my program >> jimmy: no, yeah, yeah >> i don't let him watch me, what i do. i do horrible stand-up comedy with lots of swear words and so i don't let him watch my son's favorite bit of entertainment is fails familiar -- it's like "jackass." but it's just people on the internet are doing it. just people getting hit in the nuts and people falling -- [ laughter ] and my son think that's great entertainment, right [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: that's his favorite. >> yeah, it's his favorite thing. i met steve-o once and he's like, "wow, dad you're hanging in some big circles there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: steve-o, yeah. >> steve-o he's like, "wow. that guy was in port-a-loo just - [ high pitch note >> jimmy: yeah, exactly, yeah. >> but -- so he watches those things in the morning, he just goes downstairs watches that. i get ready while he's getting ready for school and he just watches fails. and, you know, 2006 i was punched in the head on stage someone just ran on stage and punched me in the head for something i said and that's too long a story to tell right now but i was punched in the head on stage excited. he just runs upstairs really and he's pointing to me in the shower going, "you're a fail you're a fail. [ laughter ] and i'm just looking i'm like -- going, "could be better but you're not going to be much better, you know?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "you're a fail." >> see, my son, i'm not with his mother anymore me and his mother are very, very close and she lives just down the road and i have a girlfriend now. and she has a boyfriend now. and everyone gets along.
we holiday together and everything but her boyfriend is an ex-soccer player who played, i think, in a world cup. he played for the ivory coast alongside drogba and he was a real footballer and i'm not very good at anything but stand-up comedy [ laughter ] anything -- anything that involves holding something, spelling -- we noticed earlier [ laughter ] >> jimmy: holding something. [ laughter ] >> and so now, my son is still at that weird age where he thinks i can do everything and he just slowly figuring out that i'm useless, right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah - >> and so i started liking -- he's like, "hey, dad how do i throw a ball? and i'm like - so the boyfriend's name is george okay "go see george about that. [ laughter ] george will have -- so i've delegated all sporting activities - now my ex, bless her and she's the loveliest woman in the world and my son does not lack -- lack for hugs, and kisses, and cuddles and all that but she cannot discipline. not at all not one little bit my girlfriend's british. she's like mary poppins. [ laughter ] she's like, "spit spot, eat
your vegetables. go upstairs. like that. [ laughter ] so me and the ex, we just sit back drinking margaritas going, "these two are doing a better job -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] than we could ever do. >> jimmy: that's the way to do it >> it takes a village. and i'm just the village administrator. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the delegator. absolutely but how about with your parents? >> oh, so, i was -- i was strict based my -- my mother actually passed away a couple of months ago. and -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> oh, that's okay you know, these thins happen but my mom passed away and my father, he's 78 my whole life my mother just yelled at my dad every time he went to open his mouth, she just goes, "shut up, gary you don't know what you're talking about. [ laughter ] and my dad would go, "i think theres --" "shut up, gary." [ laughter ] and then the last few years i started going, "you let him talk maybe he has something to say. just you let him get his sentence out."
man, my mum was dead for about two days before we figured out how important she was in the ecosystem of this family [ laughter ] my father is unleashed now [ laughter ] and he has a lot of opinions and they're just coming out without my mother telling him to shut up the world's going in a horrible place. [ laughter ] but i found out my dad hates my politics and doesn't watch my show he thinks it's dreadful things that i'm saying. my father who hasn't been to america told me that there are "too many immigrants coming into america." [ laughter ] forgetting that i'm an immigrant in america [ laughter ] he goes, "oh, you're all right you're not one of the bad ones." i think that's code for something that my dad is trying to say i am one of the bad immigrants >> jimmy: yeah >> i'm the reason the other immigrants are bringing the drugs in [ laughter ] it's all supply and demand without me they really wouldn't be doing it. [ laughter ] you don't want a whole lot of immigrants lme you'll never get any fruit [ laughter ] i'm the worst.
i host a late night show there -- could there be a less important job? no, i mean - [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't mean you but -- [ cymbal crash ] >> jimmy: you. yeah, of course. >> you know what we are. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: my god >> you know we are we basically dress up in suits and act excited by things. >> jimmy: did you get -- did you get your - [ laughter ] did you get your i.d. back hetity theft. >> oh, we're doing -- we did a a fill piece on identify theft i didn't lose my i.d i lost my credit card. >> jimmy: that's right >> the credit card company do that thing where they ring up. and they go, "have you given your credit card to anyone?" and i'm like, "yeah, everyone i buy something from." [ laughter ] it's like, "protect your number?" they ring you up, "what's your number?" "there's the number. "what's the secret code on the back?" oh, they'll never crack this what i just give it it's only a social security number i give it out to -- i probably sign a contract to be on this show
"there's my number off you go." >> jimmy: yeah >> you give it away. off they go. anyway, but every now and again, we have to travel around so much. they do that thing where -- where they -- your credit card stops working. and they go, "oh, your credit card is being used in missouri." and i'm, like, "i'm in missouri." "it was used to buy a plane ticket in l.a. bought a hotel."missouri you i'm like, "that all tracks that's meant to be happy." [ laughter ] or they go, "you're in a a casino right? [ laughter ] but every now and again -- every now and again they ring up and they go, "did you do -- there were three transactions -- there were two transactions in akron, ohio. they go, "did you use your card for two transactions in akron, ohio? and i went, "no. and i go, "what were the transactions?" and they go, "to get a car out of the impound and buy some baby formula." and i went, "oh, ah, yeah, i did do those i let him have the card for two weeks just till they got themselves back on their feet. [ audience aws ]
and then they started buying shoes. and i went, "ah, enough of that." and got my card back [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just start buying expensive things, yeah >> and so, they were buying discount stuff i was -- "all right. have a good time." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: about that, i want to -- "the jim jefferies show" is returning anything new that we can look we doing all these international field pieces >> jimmy: they're great. >> each show we go around the world and we do -- we go around the world. and we do one field piece in one city. i just book a gig. and then we find something quirky about the town i'm in to film during the day. but i think the piece we're about to show is about how, and this is going to happen to you, america, facial recognition. and we're all going to start getting scores just like in china, they're looking at your face >> jimmy: yeah >> and then they're upping your score like your uber rating. [ light laughter ] whether you're acting good or not. but it's not for things being illegal. it's drunk and disorderly. you lose some things it's not illegal, is it? is drunk and disorderly
illegal? >> jimmy: no >> yeah. >> jimmy: no, it's actually cool >> leave the score alone [ laughter ] >> jimmy: exactly, yeah. i want to show everyone a clip here's a look at a new episode of "the jim jefferies show." check it out >> how accurate is this technology what if i had an evil twin could they murder someone? i'd get blamed >> you can't rule out that possibility. >> what about plastic surgery? >> they won't match. >> right so, it wouldn't be able to tell a young michael jackson olchael. >> that would be two different faces. [ laughter ] >> what was the algorithm say, just from my face? >> oh, you look very angry >> have you ever heard the term resting bitch face [ speaking foreign language >> resting bitch face. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: never heard of that. jim jefferies, everybody [ cheers and applause "the jim jefferies show" returns september 17th at 10:30 p.m. on comedy central we'll be right back with a a performance from
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> hot barbie summer don't run from me friend a 'bout it is what it is this some five star ♪ ♪ she a big ol' freak it's a must that i hit it's a hot girl summer s you know she got it lit ♪ ♪ know she got it lit hot girl summer so you kno she got it lit yea know she got it lit ♪ ♪ hot girl summer s you know she got it lit yea handle me ♪ ♪ who gon' handle m thinkin' he's a player he's a member on the team ♪ ♪ he put in all that work he wanna be the mv i told him ain't n taming me ♪ ♪ i love my equally 9-to-5 with that supersta a superstar star ♪ ♪ now i got him balling i caught a jet t get that nec i told him call ♪ ♪ don't send no tex and don't you tell 'em you with me ♪ ♪ when they be askin' where you at ah ♪ >> woo [ cheers and applause
come on. ♪ yeah i'm in my ba but i'm in his too and that's why every tim you see me i got ♪ ♪ some new shoe ah muah ♪ >> let's get it. ♪ yeah i'm a star i got your baby wishin he say he hungry this cookie the kitchen ♪ a and he dos my dawg call him a and he gon' sit down and liste he don't get offended ♪ ♪ he know he giving his money to megan he know it's ver expensive to date me ♪ ♪ told him go put m name on that account because when i need mone i ain't tryna hold up ♪ ♪ he know he giving his money to megan he know it's ver expensive to date me ♪ ♪ told him go put m name on that account because when i need mone i ain't tryna wait ♪ ♪ i can't be with no no you can't touch this a i do rich hu my money thick thick ay ♪ ♪ walk with a limp limp huh i'm on some pimp a he say you all about money yeah ♪ ♪ i'm on that cash hu i'm in my bag ey yea i'm on your ey yea i'm in that new new ♪ ♪ you on that last year huh i do pimp hu he say you all ♪ ♪ about money oh yeah
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'bout none of thes when they be talkin' i don't even listen ♪ ♪ tellin' me secret i probably forget it but i'ma tune in whe he say he gon' ♪ ♪ he told 'em send me a pic 'cause he miss m i told him send me a stack if he really ♪ ♪ i don't be trusting these 'cause they tricky send him a pic o somebody else ha ♪ ♪ i'm a finesse and i'm a fly dresse move to the top floo and flew in my dresser ♪ ♪ my my hustl make money togethe your your birds an they flockin' together ♪ ♪ i can't decide if i want the new louis dapper dan yello i'm always in gucci ♪ ♪ your mama don't bring your dad to the mall 'cause when he be in there she know he be choosin' ♪ ♪ i can't be with no no you can't touch this a i do rich hu my money thick thick ay ♪ ♪ walk with a limp limp huh i'm on some pimp a he say you all about money yeah ♪ ♪ i'm on that cash hu i'm in my bag ey yea i'm on your a ey yea i'm in that new new ♪ ♪ you on that last year huh i do pimp hu girl you on simp a he say you all ♪ ♪ about money yea i'm on that cash ah ♪ [ cheers and applause
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and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania hey, roots [ cheers and applause stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow bye-bye everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and appla ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- wendy williams star of "unbelievable," actress kaitlyn dever, former u.s. attorney general eric holder, featuring the 8g band with terri lyne carrington. ♪ [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight?