tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 15, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
( knocking ) >> stephen: hey, senator warren! thank you so much for being here to talk about donald trump's speech tonight. >> it's good to be here. >> stephen: hey, is there any chance i can announce on my show tonight that you are hillary clinton's v.p. pick? because that would be a huge thing for o >> stephen, i think if it were me, i would know it by now, so probably not. but look, she has lots of good choices, and i'm excited to see who she's going to pick. >> stephen: all right, fair enough, i had to ask. anyway, have a great show. i'll see you out there. all right, bye. ( laughter ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert!
featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the republican party. may contain traces of republican. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: pow! boom, pow! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) that's awful nice.
wow! welcome to "the late show" coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater. i'm stephen colbert. thank you all for staying up into the weekend, at this point. "do a live show," they said. "it's important," they said. well, it's the final night of the republican convention, and, lo, it has come to pass. a day long foretold-- the trumpening. ( laughter ) tonight was a historic moment uniting america's political system, entertainment complex and the self-tanner industry. ( laughter ) i think we'll all remember where we were when we got too drunk to remember where we were. the evening of course was kicked off by r.n.c. chairman reince priebus, who reminded viewers of an essential american truth.
of happiness is not just a tag line for a bumper sticker. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, it's is not just-- i've actually never seen it on a bumper sticker actually. i think the bumper sticker is "life, liberty, grass or ass. nobody rides for free." ( laughter and applause ) how you guys doing? good? >> jon: yeah, good. >> stephen: very exciting. of course, because the main event tonight was trump's acceptance shout. it was the biggest, most fabulous, luxurious five-star diamond admiral class acceptance speech in the history of mouth- movement. ( laughter ) okay, overall takeaway-- good news, bad news-- good news, america is still a shining city. bad news, the shining is just raging dumpster fires being set by roving bands of angry barbarians coming to kill us
and right from the beginning, trump made a bold promise. >> here, at our convention, there will be no lies. >> stephen: all right. fair enough. ( laughter ) let's take a minute, let's check on that. >> i humbly-- >> stephen: all right, there's one, right there. ( cheers and applause ) no! no. ding. sorry. that is a foul ball. and trump wasted no time taking a swipe at president obama's foreign policy. >> president obama drew a red line in syria, and the whole world knew it meant absolutely nothing. >> stephen: oh, please, that is-- actually pretty accurate. okay, one for team orange. got to give it to him. now, trump painted himself as an
>> big business, elite media and major donors are lining up behind the campaign of my opponent. >> stephen: that is true. they have. and because a lot of companies don't want to associate themselves with a controversial candidate like donald trump, the convention actually lost sponsors like ford, u.p.s. and j.p. morgan chase. but one company stood by the republicans regardless of their candidate: "robinson's turd polish," their slogan: "it's all you've ( cheers and applause ) polish that thing up. it's a turd you can see your face in. ( laughter ) and trump hammered
democrats for being deceptive corporate cronies. >> so, if you want to hear the corporate spin, the carefully- crafted lies and the media
their convention next week. >> stephen: but if you want hastily-assembled lies and no
corporate sponsors, you've come to the right place! ( cheers and applause ) ta-da! ( cheers and applause ) i got the hips. got the hips. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know what that means. donald did not do that at any in he didn't do this. now, trump's core message was clear: hillary clinton, bad. >> hillary clinton is proposing mass amnesty, mass immigration and mass lawlessness. my opponent wants to essentially abolish the second amendment. hillary clinton's message is that things will never change. >> stephen: that's right, she's going to change everything and
make up your mind, hillary! america needs to know why it hates you so much! ( applause ) speaking of which, speaking of the dems, trump had a strong message to win over some new supporters. >> i have seen firsthand how the system is rigged against our citizens, just like it was rigged against bernie sanders. he never had a chance. never had a chance. but his supporters will join our movement. >> stephen: oh, yeah. ( laughter ) no it's true, it's true. makes sense. if his supporters can't have bernie, they'll go to trump. kind of like if you ask for a coke, but they don't have it, you say, "then just fill my mouth with bees." ( cheers and applause ) of course, donald trump knows that when you're giving the
>> i'm going to make our country rich again. we are going to build a great border wall. >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo, whoo! do "crooked hillary." whoo! do "i prefer soldiers who don't get captured!" do "china. china! china!" that is way too hot to put in my pocket right now. ( laughter ) all right. now, near the end, trump paused and turned reflective. >> my dad, fred trump, was the smartest and hardest working man i ever knew. i wonder sometimes what he would say if he were here to see this and to see me tonight. >> stephen: i think he'd say,
also, "how is that your hair? you were balding when you were 20." ( laughter ) doesn't make any sense. ( applause ) so-- it was a great performance. i got to give that to him. really fired up the room and finally answered the question, what if frankenstein's monster was in charge of the angry mob? in the end, i mean, final takeaway, was the speech angry? yes. was it filled with half-truths sure. but i have to admit, the song they chose to play at the end was a refreshing bit of honesty. >> ? you can't always get what you want ? >> stephen: we'll be right back! stick around! it might be something you'll be talking about tomorrow. ? ? ?
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! whoo! hey, welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) watch and talk about the convention, there is a little non-convention news out there. i'm not sure if you guys know this, but it was announced today that fox news c.e.o. and jabba the hut cosplayer roger ailes, he was accused of repeated sexual harassment, well today, he has resigned as the head of fox news. ( cheers and applause ) this resignation is a bit of a shocker, it comes on the heels
internal probe, of course, is one of the things he's accused of asking for. now, i just want to say that, although i spent well over a decade making fun of his network and him and the damage i think he did to the world, the news of this man losing his job gives me no pleasure. ( laughter ) jimmy, can we get the camera off me for a second, please? ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) if only there was someone i could share this lack of
( cheers and applause ) >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: oh, jon stewart! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) good to see you! >> i missed everything? normally this time of night, i'm just sleeping. what were you guys talking about? >> stephen: you know how roger ailes has been accused of sexual harassment? >> oh, i might have read something about that. >> stephen: well, today, roger ailes stepped down. >> huh. jimmy, can you take the camera
( cheering ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so thanks for stopping by. is there something i could help you with? >> i was wondering if i could just maybe talk about the election for a little bit. >> stephen: oh yeah, of course. go ahead. >> well, i'm gonna just need the -- your desk. >> stephen: you want to sit here? >> yeah. ( cheering ) >> stephen: really nice down here. >> america, i-- >> stephen: over there. >> it's been a while. >> stephen: actually jon, we've got to-- >> oh, right.
( cheering ) >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: there you go. >> clip-on goes right on the hair. >> stephen: have a good time. >> thank you so much. hello! how are you? ( cheers and applause ) well, the convention's over. i thought donald trump was going to speak. ivanka said that he was going to come out. she said he was really compassionate and generous. but then this angry groundhog came out and he just vomited on everybody for an hour. the republicans appear to have a very clear plan for america. they articulated it throughout the convention.
two, inject rudy giuliani with a speedball-and-red-bull enema. ( laughter ) and three, spend the rest of the time scaring the holy bejesus out of everybody. but i'm not interested in that. i'm usually interested in gymnastics. with the rio olympics coming up, i'm enjoying the gymnastics portion of the program that's about to occur. that will be the contortions many conservatives will now have to do to embrace donald j. trump, a man who clearly embodies all the things that they have for years said they've hated about barack obama. >> most inexperienced nominee to ever run for president. >> one of the most divisive presidents in history. >> notoriously thin-skinned. >> straightforwardly authoritarian. >> a raging narcissist who has no grip on reality.
>> a thin-skinned narcissist with no government experience. yes, that sounds exactly like -- barack obama. ( laughter ) so now, the right-wing media is going to have to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week, justifying this choice they've made. can they make the turn? ( laughter ) they already are. let's trace their journey through the eyes of one of their most talented gymnasts. his name escapes me, let's just refer to him as lumpy. ( laughter ) hi, lumpy. for instance, here's how lumpy felt about barack obama's divisiveness. >> this president is the most divisive president in history. scare tactics, class warfare, racial rhetoric. divided along racial lines, rich versus poor, black versus white, old versus young. >> cats vs. dogs! ( laughter )
that one against the other two! ( cheers and applause ) i have been out of the business for a while. i don't know what that is, actually. ( laughter ) well, if you don't like divisiveness, what about when trump suggested that mexico is sending us their rapists? if you don't like divisive rhetoric, then -- >> perhaps inarticulate, but he did say, you know, some people are good people. he didn't say all mexicans. mayo he had the trump tower taco bowl! that is one of the healingest meals on the trump tower menu. i am not an expert on racial unity, but i do believe that some of our more vaunted historical leaders in that area did retweet white supremacists less than trump. so i believe -- i'm just sayin'.
then there was the obama crony that lumpy couldn't stand. his old friend teleprompty. >> president obama, he can't read a sentence without a teleprompter. he sleeps with the darn thing. >> yeah, he probably sleeps with the darn thing, and then probably doesn't call it the next day because it didn't say so on the teleprompter! ( laughter ) lumpy, your 180, please. >> we've seen him now give a series of policy speeches, using a teleprompter, staying on message, really well done for somebody who had never done it before. y ( laughter ) you're saying now teleprompters are for stupid people! and i thought trump handled it pretty good. ( laughter ) okay, inexperience aside, divisiveness aside, the worst thing about barack obama is his elitism. >> barack obama is anything but mainstream. sitting in his million-dollar home, claiming to be for the people, we have to wonder how in touch he is with the average american. take a look at him ordering his burger with a very special condiment. dijon mustard?
burger, mr. president. ( laughter ) >> yeah, you elitist. you probably eat the burger with your mouth, instead of acting like a real american and having a magnum fire it up your ass, like they serve 'em at arby's! that's how they serve them actually, at arby's, they shoot them right up your ass. meanwhile, here's how lumpy feels about the guy who sits in a literal golden throne at the top of a golden tower with his name i l of it, eating pizza with a knife and fork. ( laughter ) how do you feel about that guy? >> i thought one of the more fascinating descriptions of your dad came from you. you once called him on my show a blue collar billionaire. ( laughter ) >> that's not a thing! ( cheers and applause ) you know what?
guy you'd like to sit down and own a fleet of airplanes with. look, all that stuff is actually superficial. and i'm sure it's easy for people without ethics or principles to embrace someone who embodies everything they said they hated about the previous president for the past eight years. because, really for a president, it's about what's inside. and that's where lumpy and friends, that's where they really have found the president lacking. >> who sits in the pews of jere " "america's chickens have come home to roost" after 9/11? is that a christian church to you? he says he's a christian. i'm a christian. i wouldn't go to reverend wright's church. >> but obama would. because he's the type of christian that's, you know, not christian. ( laughter ) well you know what though, when the pope said that trump's talk about immigration was not christian, surely that gave lumpy pause. >> who's the pope to say that donald trump is not a christian? how can a pope or anybody decide
>> yeah, who died and made that guy pope? ( cheers and applause ) no one? oh, he just retired? i feel that. so let's just say it for real. so here's where we are. either lumpy and his friends are lying about being bothered by thin-skinned, authoritarian, less-than-christian readers-of- prompter being president, or they don't care, as long as it's their thin-skinned prompter authoritarian tyrant narcissist. you just want that person to give you your country back. because you feel that your this country's rightful owners. there's only only one problem with that. this country isn't yours. you don't own it. it never was. there is no "real" america. you don't own it. ( cheers and applause ) you don't own patriotism. you don't own christianity. you sure as hell don't own respect for the bravery and sacrifice of military, police and firefighters.
i saw a lot of people on the convention floor in cleveland with their "blue lives matter" rhetoric who either remained silent or actively fought against the 9/11 first responders bill reauthorization. i see you. and i see your (no audio). ( cheers and applause ) i see it. >> we're live. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> my fault. never been on a television show with stakes before. so i see you. you got a problem with those americans fighting for their
because you feel like, what's representative steve king's word for it? subgroups of americans are being divisive. well if you have a problem with that, take it up with the founders. "we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." sorry, big up. respect, lin-manuel. those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not being divisive. those fighting to keep those people out are. so, lumpy, you and your friends have embraced donald trump. clearly the c next to your name doesn't stand for constitutional conservative, but cravenly convenient c -- (air horn blowing) >> stephen: sorry. i was just cleaning the air horn jon, and it went off. please enjoy these commercials. jon stewart! jon stewart, everybody. ? ? ?
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest tonight is a united states senator who has been dogging donald trump for please welcome senator elizabeth warren. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: nice to have you on again. >> it's good to be here. >> stephen: you're always a bit of a firebrand and i know you've got a lot of opinions about donald trump. did you watch the convention
>> stephen: okay. give me an overall impression of the message of the republicans this week. >> um, i thought it was the nastiest, most divisive convention that we've seen in half a century, and that -- >> stephen: well, do you think that's their fault or whether they're expressing a genuine anger in the world? it's easy to say there are people being angry and i notice that, too, but aren't people angry? isn't that why bernie did so well? >> look, people are angry and have good reasons to be angry. incomes are flat, expenses are up, young people can't make it through college without getting crushed by debt. seniors can't stretch a social security check to cover food and rent. there are a lot of reasons to be angry but let's be really, really clear, donald trump does not have the answers. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: let's talk about the speech tonight.
he said people have pushed you around, i'm here to push back. what is wrong with that message? >> are you kidding me? >> stephen: no. >> so here's the problem-- every time you kind of scratch the surface a little bit and see what donald trump is really talking about, what he's really talking about is what he's talked about all his life and that is how to improve the world for donald trump. so i heard the part where he talks about taxes and said, "the biggest tax cuts, i'm the only guy, i want to do tax cuts." what he just failed to mention is that donald trump would get about a $1.3 million tax cut out of that deal. he just takes care of donald trump first, last and everything in between. that's what he's about. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: he's paying for his own campaign, though, he ought to get a little something back. well, he said that the system is rigged, and that was kind of bernie's message, too, the system is rigged.
of believe the same thing, if that message is appealing to both their followers, why don't you think bernie's followers would go over to donald trump, because, again you may say scratching an itch, but politics is emotional. if he could emotionally appeal to those people, why wouldn't they go over there if there's somebody they think he can change things, because one thing about hillary clinton, she is a washington insider. yeah, she is. she lived there since joshua fit the battle of jericho. ( laughter ) question about the game being rigged, and the game is rigged. it fundamentally is rigged. >> stephen: you've said the same thing yourself many times. >> right, washington works for those who can hire armies of lobbyists, armies of lawyers and works for billionaires like donald trump. for the rest of america, it's not working so well. so, one answer-- the democrats say we've got to use our voices, we've got to use our votes to take back government and make it work for all of us.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that sounds a lot like what he said tonight, though. >> no, what donald trump says is there is a problem out there and what you have to understand is that it's all about each other. what you need to be afraid of is every other american. i've got to tell you, that speech tonight, he sounded like some two-bit dictator of some country that you couldn't find on a map. ( applause ) >> stephen: listen, i want to defend him for a second he's not a two-bit dictator, he sounded like a billionaire dictator. ( laughter ) two bits is insulting to the man. >> he sounded like a dictator of a small country rather than a man who is running for the highest office of the strongest democracy on the face of this earth. that's what he sounded like! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i want to hear more of what you have to say. we have to go to commercial to serve our corporate overlords but we'll be right back with more elizabeth warren. stick around. ? ? ?
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! we're here with senator elizabeth warren. she is the author of "a fighting chance," the "new york times" best seller now available in paperback. okay, let's talk about fighting chance. the democrats, hillary clinton will be fighting donald trump for the presidency do you think the democrats are underestimating donald trump? >> yes, i think everyone is underestimating donald trump. he is one dangerous man and we need to take him really seriously. take him out now. ( applause ) >> stephen: so, you're down next week, the democratic national convention is in philadelphia. are you going to be there? >> yes, i will be there, i will be speaking. >> stephen: what night? >> monday, first night. ( cheering ) >> stephen: can you give me some
to say so we can start writing the jokes now? because you know i'm going to make fun of what you say. legally, i have to. just give me something good. >> donald trump is a bad guy. i'm going with that. >> stephen: you said that several times before. as a matter of fact, your tweet storms, you said your policies are dangerous, your words are reckless, your record is embarrassing and the free ride is over. >> yeah, uh-huh. >> stephen: you said at na trump and at mike pence, you are a perfect match, two small, insecure, weak men who use hate and fear to divide our country and our people, and to donald trump, you're nothing but a thin-skinned bully. are you bullying him here? aren't you stooping to his level? >> oh, boo-hoo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i mean, marco rubio- - >> oh, that poor little billionaire!
talking about his policies that he doesn't have? i mean, come on, give me a break here. this is a guy who just went on national television and said basically to all of america, be afraid of each other, and you listen to a speech like that and i don't know how there is anybody left in america who isn't afraid of donald trump. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, some people are afraid.ey life is not what they expected it to be or feel they have things taken from them. people have legitimate feelings. how are the democrats addressing that? hillary clinton's message is, you know, he says i'm with you, i'll fight for you, i'll win for you. what is the message going to be next week at the d.n.c.? >> the democrats will talk about how we're stronger together. what donald trump says is turn on each other.
the same guys who are in power and the same guys who rigged the system get to stay in power. >> stephen: let me ask you something about hillary clinton and what her political character is. because people say oh, donald trump may not be telling the truth but i don't care because i like the way he says it. hillary clinton is not forgiven for what people perceive of as lies that she's told, even though her husband was forgiven endlessly for the lies that we know he told, why do you think she cannot gain the trust of people the way, say, a male candidate can? that's called leading the witness, by the way. >> leading the witness. ( laughter ) actually, i'm not going to go with anything. what i'm going to go with is she's been under attack for 25 years. and a lot of folks, you know, they just hung up their spurs and said i'm not going to do this anymore. but she started in, she fought for women, she fought for children, she fought for healthcare, she fought for human
again, and i've just got to say, i like women who fight back. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: could this be the ticket? is there a chance? ( cheers and applause ) you've already got matching outfits. maybe next week. senator, thank you so much for being here. senator elizabeth warren, everybody! we'll be right back with billy eichner! stick around! ?
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>> thank you! hey, guys! ( cheers and applause ) oh! what a night! >> stephen: happy convention! >> thank you! i just met elizabeth warren. >> stephen: isn't she lovely? >> i love her! >> stephen: yeah, have you met her before? >> no, where would i meet her, tinder? i mean. >> stephen: which way would you sweep? >> well, you know i'm gay, so i don't think it's going to be a match. >> stephen: oh. >> but you her political ideals. >> i am gay for elizabeth's ideas, yes. >> stephen: what about her for vp? what about her? would you be excited if hillary clinton picked her for vice president? >> i would love that. i would elizabeth warren to be vice president. i would love her to be anything. i would love her to be a female ghostbuster! i mean, right? ( cheers and applause ) she's al rick moranis, i think. that's right, and by the way, why isn't there one candidate
i'm the only one. >> stephen: all right. we'll find out and get back to you on that. >> i love elizabeth warren. i have been following the convention. >> stephen: you enjoyed watching it this week? you're a pop culture guy. >> i'm a pop culture guy, but donald trump is show business. he's a pop culture guy, too. i'm terrified. i'm terrified. i really am. i'm terrified by the idea of a trump presidency, and it's not only just the policies, it's also the other things they have to do now.er mike pence doing carpool karaoke. i mean, what song is he going to sing? "i deported your grandmother"? i mean, you know, i don't like that pence. what is melania trump going to talk about with karen pence, by the way? that's opposite side of the track meet the fockers craziness. i don't know. and i don't want to know. >> stephen: have you met mr. trump or melania or the pences?
>> stephen: you're judging them without having met them. >> i feel i can do that. >> stephen: because of what you do for a living? >> they talked about lgbt stuff tonight which is very nice. >> stephen: they're more inclusive than normal-- >> trump is a little gay friendlier than the average republican, i guess, except for the fact that he chose a running mate in mike pence who is a supporter of conversion therapy. >> stephen: what is that? >> well, conversion therapy, let me explain what conversion theraps this is when you believe that through some sort of therapy you can cure a gay person and turn them into a straight person. so here's my idea. i have asked on my show who is hotter, barack obama or abraham lincoln? i usually say barack obama. i actually now want a three way with mike and karen pence because if you can convert me, i want to see you try. bring it on, karen pence! ( laughter ) >> stephen: in case that happens, could i have the
>> i don't know if you want it. >> stephen: sure, it'll be pay- per-view, obviously. >> on demand. >> stephen: what about the celebrities you've seen at the r.n.c.? >> what a lineup. >> stephen: antonio. >> antonio sabato, jr., who was screaming about jesus and underneath on the chyron it said appeared on "dancing with the stars." that actually happened. antonio sabato, jr., scott baio. i don't know who hillary clinton will bring out to top it. she's going to need cybill shepherd, ricki lake, the cast of designing women. >> stephen: i'd watch that. i love designing women. >> i'd watch it with karen and mike pence. >> stephen: afterwards, for like, the pillow talk? >> designing women during. that's the only thing that's going to get me through it. >> stephen: delta burke? >> delta burke makes me -- i can't say it. we're live. >> stephen: we're live.
this is so late. his speech was so long. i looked it up. it was 74 minutes. it was literally longer than "finding dory" and with half the nuance. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: congratulations on the second season of "difficult people." >> yes, "difficult people" on hulu! >> stephen: yes. >> everyone should watch it, thank you. amy poehler produces it. me and my friend julie, we play best friends who hate everyone except each other. uh, i'm gay, she's a girl, we hate everyone who's more successful. well, that sums it up. we like to describe it as "will and grace" if the two leads were very unlikable. which, i think mike pence would love the show. >> stephen: the whole thing is you deal with celebrities all the time. >> yeah, we talk about celebrities, we have a lot of guest stars, tina fey, julianne moore, joel mchale, nathan lane, method man -- >> stephen: did i not make the cut? >> we have auditions and we'll invite you. >> stephen: i'll do an uptempo
>> by the way, i love when you dance on the show. >> stephen: thanks. >> and i want to say, this was your week, you killed it this week. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's awfully nice. it has been a target-rich environment. >> yes. >> stephen: i should be cutting them a check. are you looking forward to anything next week, like lady gaga is going to be at the d.n.c. >> why, because i'm gay, stephen? i like lady gaga. i actually love her. i've seen her live four times. >> stephen: are you a monster? >> what happened to those little monsters? they're so old at this point. am i a little monster? sure, why not? i like lady gaga, yeah, sure. >> stephen: wow, don't do her any favors. >> i'm older. i'm, like, a madonna guy. why are we talking about this? >> stephen: how old are you? >> i'm going to be 38 in september and i look beautiful. >> stephen: you do look beautiful.
>> oh, i grew out my beard. >> stephen: yeah, congratulations. >> isn't that nice? >> stephen: it is. i can't do that. when -- i can't do that. when i grow mine i look like i'm picking rags behind the winn dixie. well, billy it was wonderful seeing you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: you can find new episodes of "difficult people," and you should-- all four seasons of "billy on the street" are on hulu. billy eichner, everybody! we'll be right back! ? ? ?
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