tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 14, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
well, it doesn't mean the party has to end. damn it. i left my nipple clips in my other suit. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes trevor noah allen iverson and chris gethard featuring jon batiste d human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thanks, it's. thank you, ladies and gentlemen! what's going on, man? all right!
hey, everybody! mark. thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's nice. i don't get that every night. that's nice! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's very nice. we don't get that every night. you don't get that every night. hey! welcome everybody. i'm stephen colbert. >> there's a big story that reinforced what i believe is the central message of the 2016 election-- never use e-mail. the latest person caught with his inbox flappin' in the wind is former secretary of state, colin powell, who had about two years of e-mails stolen and then posted on line.
that is a deep dive into the colin. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's all right. that's all right. and these emails contain some real bombshells. for instance, powell called donald trump "a national disgrace and an international pariah." ( cheers and applause ) all right. okay, all right, all right. but that's not entirely fair. he's also an i ( cheers and applause ) and in another email, powell said that any media attention just helps trump, even criticisms, writing, "to go on and call him an idiot just emboldens him." it's true, it's true. you cannot stop trump by call him stupid. he's just like forrest gump: he was big in the '90s, somehow acquired a fortune, and runs longer than anyone thought he
( applause ) the only difference-- run, forest! run! the only difference is forrest gump went to vietnam. it's true. cold-blooded! but secretary powell didn't just talk trump. he let loose on backhanded compliment or a fronthanded insult writing: >> jon: oh, cold-blooded. >> stephen: "bimbos." a damning accusingation.
that's my dave matthews. it's not very good. this isn't the first time these two have butted heads. because hillary has repeatedly claimed that colin powell was the one who told her to set up a private server, while in the leaked e-mails colin powell writes: it's nice to know that two people who have served as this communicate via "mini-tantrums." ( laughter ) ( applause ) but at least-- ( applause ) at least-- mini-tantrum. just a mini-tantrum. but at least she didn't get the full colin freakout. she just got the semi-colon. ( applause ) yes, thank you. that deserved-- that's a joke you want to end with that-- semicolon. guess what, guess what?
a new census data just came out. sit down, i know we're all excited. the report showed that for the first time in seven years, median household income went up. it also had some good news for the lady because the gender wage gap has can decreased by one cent, one cent. so, gals, why don't you celebrate with a nice piece of penny candy. not two pieces, though. that'll take another 25 years. you know, i have been beating around the bush here. i have to get something that's kind of upsetting me, i was hoping i could get it off my chest. would that be okay? we were talking about this earlier. i feel dumb. i'm such an idiot. i never knew there were four different species of giraffes. that's right. apparently, a new study found there are four species of giraffe instead of just one. i guess now when your five-year-old says their favorite animal is a giraffe, you can say, "be more specific, jonathan, or you'll never get
( laughter ) and, sure, no one knew that until this week, but i still feel pretty stupid. plus, up until now, i just thought a giraffe was just a snake on top of a horse. scientists made the discovery by performing skin biopsies on 190 giraffes from all around africa. they found four distinct species and three moles the giraffes might want to have checked out. additionally, "the four newly with each other in the wild," although, in the giraffes' defense, they've been under a lot of stress at work, and they got kids now. and, frankly, even when they were younger the sex was good, but not exactly "in the wild." giraffes usually don't make it past the necking phase. >> jon: hey, hey, hey! >> stephen: is that too dirty? is that too dirty? >> jon: no, it's a family
he's in the news. and don't worry, you did not just emerge from a reverse coma and wake up in 2001. apparently, the st. louis rapper has been hit with a federal tax lien that amounts to $2,412,283. i almost never get to say this, but, whoa, nelly. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but, luckily, his fans have come to the rescue by listening to and over again. fans have figured out that with spotify paying artists six-tension of a cent per treme: that is a lot. maybe nelly could make some cash by putting his song over some footage that is getting hundreds of millions of plays this week. maybe something like...
so hot ? so take off all your cloacts ? ?. >> stephen: they did claim it was the heat. they did claim it was heat exhaustion. they claimed that. well, just to make sure nelly has learned his lesson, i've updated his hit "hot in herre" to teach him all about fiscal responsibility. this right here. thank you very much. ( laughter ) it's called "debt in herre." now, nelly, i want to help you, so i went over your numbers with my accountant, wendy, and she was quite alarmed and has got some advice for you. please, listen. ? not a little bit of back tax it's a lotta bit of back tax ? not a little bit of back tax it's a lotta bit of back tax ? he's like, good gracious
waitin' for the right time to pay your fees ? now you're payin' down serious federal liens ? then, you're grieving cash leavin' ? with all the monthly bills you're receivin' ? check it shoulda used a bank in geneva ? write-offs! loop-holes! ? shoulda believed in accounts bleeding ? legal proceedings no teasing ? i need you to play this song on the dance floor ? give tax man what he asking for ? cuz ya' stopped being cash obtuse ? stop writing those i.o.u.'s i.r.s. won't sign a truce ? so just file your w-2s from now on ? just pay your monthly debt so your accounts don't close ? ? >> ? being frugal is so hot you're gonna pay your bills off ? you wear them at your work so write off all your clothes >> ? they're a business expense so you can write your clothes off >> stephen: say hello to jon batiste and stay human,
( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ? save a little bit of back tax save a little bit of back sax ? i am going to be singing that for the next 40 days! ? 40 days ? can i ask you guys a question? are you ready for some football ( cheers and applause ) well, you're going to have to wait because tomorrow is the first installment of "thursday night football" right here on cbs. so be sure to set your alarm for about 1:00 a.m., because that's when my show will be starting after the game. that also means that tonight is the "late show's" annual "wednesday night thursday night
football promo" is a huge huge tradition in my household. the whole family breaks out the nachos and buffalo wings, and we gather 'round the table to drive cross-platform synergy for thursday's big game, just like i did with my dad. and thursday is the ideal night to watch football because when you wake up after the game, it's friday. with sunday night football, you wake up on a monday: booo. so be sure to tune in tomorrow. it's going to be a huge matchup: jets versus bills with former bills coach rex ryan now coaching buffalo, and former bills quarterback ryan fitzpatrick now leading the jets. it's a battle of the transplanted ryans! which one will be rejected like a bad kidney? tune in to find out. plus, jets versus bills means we could witness an n.f.l. first, where somehow both teams manage
( laughter ) ( applause ) and thursday night football games will look a little different this year because nike unveiled monochromatic uniforms for all 32 teams to wear. the jerseys are great news if you don't have a favorite football team but do have a favorite popsicle flavor. go fighting razzleberries! nike has even taken the colorblind into consideration, so for games featuring a red and green team, one of the teams will instead wear all white. a team can also wear white if they're saving themselves for the playoffs. ( laughter ) so tune in tomorrow, but also tune in right now because we'll be right back with trevor noah. ? ? ? ( applause ) denny's introduced new buttermilk pancakes
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. my first guest is a stand-up comic, author, and host of soon be celebrating one year of hosting "the daily show." please welcome trevor noah! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: tref over, tref over! do they have ever chant your name at "the daily show. of. >> no, you earn a chant. can i tell you something? i did not truly understand why people chanted the way they did, until i watched you during the
you must remember, we didn't get "the colbert show "in south africa, and that was the most amazing thing i have seen in my life. i said that's how you chant your name. you're amazing, man. i will earn the chanting, but not now. >> stephen: you're amazing, too. >> thank you very much. thanks for having me. >> stephen: you're coming up on one year. >> yes. >> stephen: of "the daily show, "and the last time you were here was shortly before you started show over there. >> yes, yes. >> steen learned, my friend? >> i have learned-- i think in some way, i may be connected to trump. i think i-- i think -- >> you are related to him? >> i think somehow, somehow like harry potter and voalder morts because i feel like i came out of nowhere and this thing came out and it kind of happened and now it's happening. i think i may need to die to save america! to save you all! >> stephen: wow. well, i mean, they-- you know, you did come here-- i mean,
>> stephen: to save us. ( laughter ) did you-- when you look at american politics now-- because the last time you were here, trump had, you know, made a splash but everyone still thought, can't possibly happen. can't possibly happen. >> i think people still think that. >> stephen: if i thought that i could sleep at night. it could possibly happen. >> we're learning it's time. it's time. you have ever been in an ice cream have you? >> stephen: yes. >> okay, cool, just making sure. and you're choose ago you are getting to choose the flavors. now in american elections you only have two flavors to choose from, and then they go hey, you have a year to choose your flavors. you're going to stand there for a long time and say do i take the vanilla or the racist ginger. and you get to spend a lot of time choosing the -- >> do not sell the racist jinger
here. >> they say, hey, you've got a year. if they say, "choose now, ""you'll pick. if they say a year you take your time. racist ginger sounds interesting. it it would make life exciting. >> stephen: it would. >> people say they want an outsider, and i understand if you look at politics and how convoluted it becomes i understand that, but an outsider to what is what you should be asking. >> stephen: to the the insiders? >> that's not specific enough. >> stephen: it's not? >> stephen: it's specific enough for trump. it seems to be working. >> and the people voting for him. all people in the baskent. the basket was is displt basket of deplore ables. >> what do you make of that. i guess he said he has followers are racist, but what do you think of basket of deplorables. >> i think the basket thing is more offensive.
by that. if you randoply said i was walking down the street and saw a basket of black people. you would say, whoa, whoa. >> stephen: because i said it was for black people. >> no, but it's the basket that's offensive. >> stephen: a basket of puppies is fantastic. a basket of black puppies would be fan tack. >> it skirts the line. if she said, a tupperware of deplorables," people wouldn't have been as offended. >> stephen: let me try this. i was walking down the street and i saw a tupperware full of black people. >> you can't say "full of "because that means they contain black people. try it again without full of. >> stephen: i say, i saw tupperware full of black people. >> and i would say, what, do you mean by that, stephen? at least it makes me think. it makes you think. >> stephen: all right. we have to take a little break.
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was saying you're coming up on celebrating ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) your first year of hosting "the daily show." i ran into you at a party, and you said to me on the weekends you sometimes fly back to south africa to see your family. >> y >> stephen: it's an 18-hour flight to johannesburg. >> no, no, no, 16 hours. >> stephen: oh, 16 hours. my apologies. >> 18 would be ridiculous. >> stephen: how do you do that, leave friday morning? >> i fly thursday late night, close to midnight. and i'll land on the friday, and then i'll have a friday full day, and then saturday i fly back and i'm here on a sunday. >> stephen: so 36 hours in johannesburg. >> not even, i guess. it's barely 24. >> stephen: how are you alive?
how often have you done that over the past year? >> six, seven times, maybe. i love sleeping on a plane. i feel like airplanes are the last place of sleepingness. it's just beautiful. i just sleep. >> stephen: how do you possibly sleep through the night? don't the stewardesses come up and say, "would you like a pillow?" >> no, no, i wrap-- i have this mask that provides humidity, and i wear, like, a hoodie and tape my nose closed-- this is all true. this is all true. so i have humidity and i close everythingep and it's gone. >> stephen: do you look bane. >> i look like bane and darth vader had a child. >> stephen: i'd see that movie. you have a book coming out right after the election. it's called-- >> "born a crime." >> stephen: what do you mean by that? >> i was born a crime. i was born to a black south african mother and a white swiss
africa, and them doing the thing was illegal. >> stephen: the thing? >> the thing. the thing of making me. >> stephen: this thing? when that thing does that? >> well, that's worse than me saying "the thing." i don't know what that is. >> stephen: just being-- >> that's even worse. >> stephen: really? >> that doesn't even look like will thing. it's going into nothing. >> stephen: that's one thing and that's the other thing right there. that's how it works. you know how the thing works, right? >> i i hope my parns got together during that time which was against the law, and i was born during this. >> stephen: when was that? >> 1984. >> stephen: when did that law change? >> apartheid ended in mean 90. so for the first year of my life i was living a physical crime. i had to go back through my life. i learned thengz about my life i didn't actually know. for instance, i always thought i was an indoor child.
was seen in soweto, the area i lived in, the police would see me and go, "that kid, he's a crime." you could see that. and they would send me to an orphanage. my mom wouldn't be allowed to have me. >> stephen: what do you make of americans saying our rights being taken away or our country bheeg taken from us, where you grew up someplace where your existence itself was a violation of the law? >> you know, i always say to people, i can never judge somebody for thinking that their world is tough because it is tough to you. i look at my upbringing, and i go-- i remember when i went to brazil, and i visited the favellas in rio de janeiro, and i said, man, this is bad. and i go with an american to south africa, and they go this is bad. no, this is bad. it's bad for you, and that's all it really needs to be. when people go, "my right are being taken away." i go, "do you feel like they're
and i say, "why do you say that?" "because i can't order more food." it's different, it's different, it's different, but it's still valid. we all have our challenge s. >> stephen: you also have a show at the beacon theater here in the new york to the new york comedy festival. what night is that i'm going to be doing stand-up comedy on the fifth of november. that will be fun. >> stephen: you have a full-time job, my friend. and you're a great stand-up. do you ever think to yourself, on theke take it easy. >> that's me taking a break. i go i'm so tired i'm going to do some stand-up. >> stephen: thank you for doing that. >> that's my love. >> stephen: thank you for being here. enjoy election. >> you enjoy it. >> stephen: we'll enjoy it together. >> stephen: "new york comedy festival presents trevor noah" is at the beacon theater on november 5. trevor noah, everybody! we'll be right back. that gentleman got the last one.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight is an n.b.a. legend and a true sports icon. he's an 11-time all-star, four- time scoring champion, n.b.a. m.v.p., and was just inducted into the basketball hall of fame. please welcome allen iverson! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: come on up. thanks for being here. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: thanks for wearing the chains, too.
class to the situation. >> i try to be classy. >> stephen: congratulations on the hall of fame. ( cheers and applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: that's extraordinary. that's extraordinary. how did it feel-- it was-- it was one of the-- sort of the best-attended, like, the largest attended induction ceremonies in-- in a decade. how did it feel to have that many people, when so many people back in the day said tha was necessary. the people talked about your personal style. called you a thug. to be up there and have people cheering you on, and so excited, and so ready to honor you? how did that feel? >> i just-- it just made me love god even more than i do now. ( applause ) you know, it's-- it was special to get that feeling.
know, my legs were shaking. i felt like i was going to faint. and i was sitting there. i remember having a moment saying, "god, please don't let me faint." you know what i mean? >> stephen: you looked a little chocked up before you even started talking. >> yeah, obviously, like, these people, all of my supporters, the people who stuck with me through all my ups and downs, trials and tribulations, my family being there h proud they were of me, you know, my fans, my friends, you know, everybody that contributed and to having a part of me accomplishing something so big. i was just very emotional ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: well, now, that cross-over dribble of yours that
you used that quite famously on michael jordan back in the day. i think we have a clip of you here. there you go. >> the crowd is into it. the crowd loves it! >> nice move by allen iverson. >> stephen: how long had you been playing when you went up how many years had you been in the n.b.a. when you went up against michael like that? >> that was my first year. >> stephen: that was your first year. was that-- was that one of the high moments of your career? >> it was definitely one of them. i didn't really pay any attention to it until the aftermath of it all. you know what i mean? once i got response from everybody else worldwide, you know, how many times hay showed it on espn, and still today,
years old come up to me and they don't say, you know, are you allen iverson?" they say, "you're the guy that crossed up michael jordan, aren't you?" ( laughter ) and it's a special-- it was a special moment in my career because that was my idol. that was my favorite. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have never been a basketball player. i wouldn't have never had the vision. you know, i truly wanted to be like mike. that war, and when you're in a war, as much as you love the the person that you are playing against, you know, my philly teammates and my philly fans, i was on their side. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: well, you know, one of the things that people, you know, for whatever reason criticized about you back the in the day is that your style was
i don't mean just your game play, like the fact that you had tattoos. the fact that you wore your hair in cornrows. now, players can do anything they want. they can can have style they want. lebron can be all tatted out and nobody says anything. do you think they owe a little debt to you for being your own real self? >> that's a bittersweet thing for me. because i was young. i was 21 years and i took the asspositive whooping for these guys today to be able to be themselves. i wasn't afraid to be who i am. i didn't think anything was wrong with it. i dressed like the guys i grew up with. i looked like the guys that i grew up with. and my cornrows, it was just because i was tired of going from city to city, having
and they were messing me hair up. and i was saying, okay, well, if i get corned rows, i don't have to have that problem. and the tattoos, i always had a fetish for it. but obviously you see in georgetown, i only had one. and once i came into some money and that's when it became addictive and i was able to afford it. so that's how i got more and more. but, you know, you can't judge a book by its cover. i think a lot of times eye love the the fact that when people get a chance to meet me and be around me, they i'm not the person that the media made me out to be. a negative allen iverson story is the greatest allen iverson story for some reason, you know, what i mean? they don't talk about what i do for the aids awareness, what i do for the boys and girls club, you know, what i do on thanksgiving, giving out turkeys and giving out gifts on christmas. they don't talk about that
( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: congratulations, congratulations. lovely to meet you. allen iverson, everybody. hall of famer. we'll be right back with chris gethard. start the interview with a firm handshake. ay,no! don't do that! try head & shoulders instant relief. it cools on contact, and also keeps you 100% flake free.
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trash can right here in the middle of the stage. can you get a shot of that, jimmy? what we're going to do is, we're going to have a shoot-out here to see who is in hall of fame of paper ball basketball. you can stand or you can sit. what do you want to do? >> i'm going to sit. >> stephen: you're going to sit? all right, then i'll sit, too. hold on, hold on. take this off. ( cheers and applause ) this is serious, mao. >> not ( laughter ). >> stephen: mott serious for you? it's about to get real serious, allen iverson. >> serious bragging rights. >> stephen: i beat dr. j. at this. you can ask him. he's not happy about it. >> did he have his eyes closed? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: keep laughing. all right, we ready to go?
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host of "the chris gethard show" on fusion. please welcome chris gethard. come on up. thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: things are going great for you right now. >> they're ago. >> stephen: they're in the the great movie "don't think twice." and you have the the show, the "the chris gethard show" on the show calls itself the most bizarre and often saddest talk show in new york city. >> yeah, we have you beat on sadness, i think. nothing else, nothinges, but sadness, yeah. >> stephen: what is the most bizarre and sad thing you've done recently on the show? >> my favorite was we did an episode-- you can watch it, paul sheer and jason manducas were our guests. and the whole idea was guess what's in the dumpster. that was the whole hour.
>> on set. and callers could call in and be, "is it a rackle ball?" and we'd say no. >> stephen: it could be any item in the universe. >> what it turned out to be-- if you don't upon the spoiler-- it was paul giamatti. >> take a guess? >> a bowl of spaghetti with oregano in it. >> bowl of spaghetti with oregano. >> stephen: how long was paul gimountain nethat dumpster? >> close to two and a half hours, stephen. and having one of our greatest living actors, i want you to sit in a trash receptacle. it was sad. >> stephen: did you clean it out? >> i think so. i leave that to the the production staff. i don't know. i don't personally clean it out. but, yeah, you can actually-- you can watch all two and a half hours of him in the dumpster on youtube. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: some people have
there's something for everyone. >> it wasn't pleasant asking a man of his caliber, "will you do this?" but he was a good sport about it. >> stephen: when did you do this? >> a couple of months ago. >> stephen: i know his publicist. >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm going to call her. >> yeah, it might be the first she's heard of it ( laughter ). >> stephen: you're also in "don't think twice, "which was about people starting off in comedy, specifically improv comedy. and you came from that world. >> i did. >> stephen: what was it like doing that movie? wa guys improvise it? >> there was a script. there were some improvised sketches. it's about one member of an improv group gets really successful, and the others people are like, i'm never going to be successful. and i know that second feeling very, very well, of feeling all my friend are getting successful, and i'm still here doing improv 12 years later. so for me it wasn't acting so much as kind of reenacting 2006 and 2007.
>> stephen: well, but you're successful now. i mean-- >> maybe. i don't know. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, no, you are! you've got the show. you've got the movie. you've got a new-- you've got a show that's moving off broadway at the lynn red grave theater called "career suicide." >> i'm semisuccessful. that being said, allen iverson's sweat pant are worth more than my suit so i'm not that successful. >> stephen: he gave shoes. >> he did! >> stephen: what size shoe do you wear? >> 11 and a half. >> stephen: these are 10 and a half. how tall are you? >> i'm 5'7". >> stephen: you and have an 11 and a half foot shoe? wow? ( applause ) what are you depressed about? ( laughter ) >> a lot of things. a lot of things. >> stephen: you talk about-- a lot about anxiety.
what makes you anxious? >> all kinds of things. my show is all about my depression issues. it's a comedy show, i want to be clear. >> stephen: all comedy in some way is about anxiety and depression. >> i think people are still scared to talk about this stuff and i want to laugh about it and see if that helps a little bit the anxiety-- one low-level, my wife is incredible, an incredible person, but if she has one flaw, it is if she uses a cabinet, it just stays open. >> stephen: all the the way open? >> like, she w walk away. i don't know if she knows they move in the other direction. like, it's bad. and there was one night where we laid down in bed and i couldn't fall asleep because i knew, "there's a cabinet open in our kitchen." and in my head i'm like who cares? it's fine. there are no negative repercussions. and in my head i said, "you cannot make that promise." i knew i was crazy. i said, "don't do it. it's crazy if you do it." but i did.
i shut the cabinet door, and i said out loud, "it's over." and i fell asleep. that's how i live. >> stephen: the funny thing sican totally relate to your wife, because that's my wife. my wife is like that. we're going to bed at the end of day and she'll be like, "you can turn off the lights in the kitchen." i said, "you bet." and i open a cabinet and start to turn off lights. and she's like, please don't, please close that. she'll run over and go to close kitchen and i'll go, "turn off the light." >> people like you and my wife are driving people like me and your wife insane. >> stephen: you also are-- you're also very open about taking antidepressants and that sort of thing. >> yeah. >> stephen: some people look at comedians, are a sad on the inside clown. and if you aren't sad or depressed you can't be funny. did that worry you at all. >> it did.
i always are worry i'll lose my ideas if i'm on antidepressants. and i went on them and i'm so much funnier now, which is stunning to see. i remember one of the ideas-- i think back to these ideas. i went to rutgers university-- the rare clap for rutgers, well done. an appropriate level of clapping for rutgers university. i was there and i had friends dicomedy with and i called them up and said, "i have the best idea i ever had. get over >> stephen: this was preantidepressants. >> it was preantidepressants. and i said, "we're going to write a play tonight. it's going to be called time phone and it will be about a phone where you can pick it up and you can talk to people in other err as of time. we'll perform it one night only also tonight at an a.t.m. booth at a local bank. who's going to see it? if anybody needs catch they will catch a few minute of time phone. and they were all like, "no, no, we're not doing it."
they shouldn't have been scared to lose, it's the plot of a dennis quaid movie. "frequency "is that with a ham radio. >> stephen: absolutely. >> that's what i was scared of if i went on meds i wouldn't be able to go into a manic phase and rip off dennis quaid. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: "career suicide" opens off-broadway on october 5. chris gethard, everybody!
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tracee ellis ross, andrew rannells, and musical guest mac miller featuring anderson pack. now stick around for james corden and his guests, andy samberg and neil degrasse tyson. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh