tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 27, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
>> and now on voter registration day, an important message from "late show"." listen. >> you need on vote. >> you need to vote. >> you really need on vote. >> you need to >> voting voting is fup, and it cause nose bleeds. >> it doesn't cause nose bleeds. >> it almost never causes nose bleeds. >> all those people in 2004 already had nose bleeds when they went in there. >> voting makes you strong. >> strong. >> strong. >> strong. >> i was strong enough to move my house. it's by the beach now. >> voting made my kids proud. >> proud. >> my kids were really proud. >> joseph gordon levitt's kids were really proud of me.
car, and good, like a car. >> voting is planting corn that your babies can eat in the future. >> future corn. >> stephen: voting is better than losing your virginity on christmas morning. ( laughter ) >> so vote. >> vote. >> boat-- sorry, no waits. i mean vote. >> vote. >> did i mean boat. >> stephen: boat. >> feed corn to futuristic babies. vote. >> vote. >> it costs $1,000. >> vote. ( laughter ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes sean penn. sutton foster. and a musical performance by regina spektor. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's
( captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! >> jon: i see that. i see that. show! ( cheers and applause ) thanks very much. thanks, hey, welcome to "the late show"." i'm stephen colbert. thank you, thank you, for joining us in here and around the world, mr. and mrs. america, and all ships at sea. last night, of course,-- you guys watch the presidential debate last night? ( applause ) well, we've now had time to
when we have debate burps. those are rough. people really-- i did-- but a lot of people wanted this debate to be decisive, to change something, because according to the latest polls, trump and hillary are tied. and you know what they say: a tie is just like kissing your sister, in that it makes both sides want to throw up. ( laughter ) and today, everyone is trying to figure out who won, which is kind of a silly question to ask, okay. both sides are going to say they won. everybody is going to say they won. there are no points. there's no penalties. this isn't the olympics. there are no judges. because if there were, the russians would have given trump a ten. ( laughter ) and i'll tell you what-- they're very good friend. i'll tell you what, i'll give trump this much, he started off strong last night by doing
minorities. it was a change of pace, a real change of pace for him. you gotta give it to him. >> jon: technically speaking. >> stephen: that is factually accurate. another thing that was obvious early on was clinton's plan to get under donald trump's skin, and i gotta say she brought the orange peeler. she got in there, man, first by using her nasty new nickname for trump. donald thinks that climate change is a hoax. donald. donald. donald. donald. donald. donald. donald. donald; donald. donald. donald. donald. donald is unfit to be the commander in chief. >> stephen: apparently, donald doesn't like being called donald. do you, donald? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i bet he really hates it when he sees "donald" on the side of a building. "you guys staying at trump tower?" "no, we're staying at the donald dump."
really, is that nice? "not really, no." but trump also got under hillary skin, evidently, like with this stream-of-consciousness accusation that i'm sure meant something. >> wait. the a.f.l.-c.i.o. the other day, behind the blue screen-- i don't know who you were talking to, secretary clinton, but you were totally out of control. i said, "there's a person with a temperament that's got a problem." >> secretary clinton? >> whoo! ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow. whooo! whooo! i don't know what emotion those movements are supposed to convey, but i gotta say, they're a little suspicious. she may not have pneumonia, but she's showing all the signs of dance fever. >> whoo! okay. ? ? ?
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: get down! >> stephen: that feels really good, actually. shake them up. and trump had some problems with the truth. apparently, trump made more than 34 comments that were either lies or misstatements. clinton was tagged with four. no surprise. before the debate, politico analyzed a week's worth of trump speeches and found that "trump averaged about one falsehood every three minutes and 15 seconds." which is damning. though, on the plus side, you can use trump's lies to tell if your microwave popcorn is done. ( ding ). >> stephen: thank you, thank you, thank you very much. thank you very much. thank you. ( applause ) thank you.
because he wasn't. ( laughter ) apparently, trump's advisers saw it as a waste of time to try to fill his head with facts and figures. ( laughter ) it's a waste of time. there's no room in there. it's already full of ethnic slurs and different wives' names. wait, wait, hold on. so the question is, once again, question of the day, who one? again, impossible to know for sure, but the markets today mexican peso went up in value. ( laughter ) ( applause ) true. ( cheers ) went up. that's good news for mexico. now it'll be easier for them to pay for the wall. plus-- and this is true-- the the price of gold went down during the debate.
toilet was so much less valuable. but trump did not take this squatting down. jim? >> there's, like, seven polls, and, other than cnn-- which is meaningless because it's a democratic poll-- other than cnn, i won every poll, easily. you know, i won cbs. >> stephen: yeah! he won the cbs poll. except for the fact that cbs did not conduct a post-debate poll. duh! that close! that close! clear cheaper what are odds? what are odds? the one poll you win doesn't exist! just because it doesn't exist doesn't mean he didn't win it. he's doing very well in narnia, and he got a firm endorsement from the lollipop guild.
doesn't rudy giuliani kind of look like he's in the lollipop guild. ( applause ) ( cheers ) so, trump thinks he won. but if we didn't, we know who's fault it was. it was lester holt's fault. >> i'd give him a "c", "c+." i thought he was okay. i thought he was fine, nothing outstanding. >> you can can check the box. >> i thought he gave me very unfair questions at the end, the last three, four questions. >> stephen: it's true. lester holt did ask trump at least one truly unfair question at the end. he asked this question about the the nation's bitter racial divide. >> mr. trump, you have two minutes. how do you heal the divide? >> stephen: lester!
divide. two minutes to heal the racial divide. after that, you have 30 seconds to explain why god took my after that, you have 30 seconds to explain why god took my nana. why do bad things happen to good people? you have 15 seconds. doesn't seem fair to me. trump didn't blame his whole performance on the moderator. he also blamed the equipment. >> i had a problem with a microphone that didn't work. my microphone was terrible. >> stephen: yes, there clearly something terribly wrong with his microphone. i mean, who left that thing on? ( cheers and applause ) very damning. is there no switch? you gotta toggle it off. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: you have to switch it off. never a good sign. but while people didn't necessarily like what trump said, he wants credit for what he did not say.
and i said to myself, i can't do it. i just can't do it. it's inappropriate. it's not nice. i was going to hit her with her husband's women, and i decided i shouldn't do it i didn't feel comfortable doing it. i think i did the right thing, it's note worth a point. i didn't feel comfortable doing it with chelsea in the room. >> stephen: yes, how gracious. ( laughter ) i'm sure chelsea hasn't heard about that stuff yet. it makes me wonder what, else, what else have they kept from their child? has she heard about the tooth fairy, or the easter bunny, or santa claus having sex with her father? ( laughter ) so many people, so many people watched last night's debate, that there was only one way to describe it. >> they're now calling is the superbowl of debates. >> i guess we can call this the super bowl of politics. >> it's kind of the super bowl
>> the super bowl of politics. >> well, let's call it the super bowl of politics. >> stephen: yes, the super bowl of politics, where you yanks play your footing ball. ( laughter ) yes, this debate was just like a the the super bowl: you spent a lot of time screaming at the tv. the team you really like isn't even there. and at half time, lester holt even had a wardrobe ( laughter >> jon: wow! we have a great show for you tonight. we have sean penn and a musical performance from "cats," maybe featuring me. stick around, we'll be right
o'halleran: i had some really tough cases as a police detective. but the problem in washington is as clear as day -- tom o'halleran has a plan to hold the politicians accountable -- no pay for congress if they don't pass a budget, reduce the influence of big money and special interests, and no more first-class travel paid for by taxpayers. i'm tom o'halleran, and i approve this message
( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! how about it for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, jon. thank you, jon. jon, i am super excited about our first guest tonight. the guy does not do tv. he is a two-time oscar winning actor, humanitarian, and expeerential journalist. please welcome the great sean penn. ? ? ?
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: are you good? are you good with me calling you "the great sean penn." i don't call every guest the great. you have to earn it. but you really are one of our great actors. are you okay with being called great? >> i think it's an affirmation of your discernment. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i just want to warn my producers, i might need a thesaurus for this interview. sean penn, thank you for being when was the last time you did a late night show. >> don't remember. >> stephen: you don't remember. so it could be last week or it's just been a long time you don't remember. >> it's been a long time. >> stephen: well, thanks for being here. it's an honor to have you. >> it's an honor to be here. >> stephen: you are here for a purpose, though. this is not just hangout time. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're here because you have a relationship to a book that's coming out. >> correct. >> stephen: and the book is called-- it might take me a second to describe it here.
the book is called: >> "bob honey who just do stuff." one might think you are here because you wrote it. >> no. >> stephen: you did not write it. >> no, this is sort of an interesting thing. >> stephen: i hope so. ( laughter ) >> or it will be my last time on late night tv. >> stephen: not at all. not at all. there are a love things we can talk. >> in 1979 i went as a kid to this writers' conference in key west, florida. and this he was doing a seminar, and i went to that. after evidence going down to my room-- i had driven down there from los angeles. >> stephen: how old were you? >> i was 19. >> stephen: okay, dig it. >> and you could drink on the coast at that time at 18. >> stephen: in key west, you can drink any time you want. >> you can can do anything. so i went to the passion pit bar at the lavender farm. >> stephen: that sounds made
made-up is there okay. >> listen, it's kind of like what we were watching in the debates last night? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: the fact checkers. i want politifact fact checking this. okay. passion pit bar at the fan django dwril. >> at the lavendar farm. there was a terrible piece of commercial art. it was a fiberglass, full-size bar patron with a looking at it-- i mean, a terrible piece of art. and i wondered at the time looking at it, you know, when the place was crowded, were people frustrated that this piece of art was permanently embedded in that seat? ( laughter ) you know, maybe a date had to be on the other side of it. and then i realized that, first thinking maybe it was the alcohol. but this was not a commercial piece of art. it was a human being with very
( laughter ) >> stephen: so there was actually a man sitting there. >> it was a man is there that you thought was a hideous piece of art? ( laughter ). >> which-- which was a fascinating thing. ( laughter ) so i went and i sidled up next to him. we ended up in conversation that i quickly had to translate from lyrics to melody because i didn't understand a word of what he was saying. though it sounded like intelligent english. he was speaking a lot acronyms, and some in metaphor, slangs, scientific terms. and either case, my mother was making greeting card that were kind of interesting at the time. and i brought up that in small talk. he got fascinated by that. and i kind of threw her under the the bus because i wanted to get away from the conversation by giving him her address. ( laughter ) and he could correspond -- >> you were just pimping out
so he would stop talking to you even though you approached him? >> yeah, i approached him, and then i thought i'd like to-- it's fascinating, but i can't be immediately responsive to this. i need to think about what this guy is saying. so anyway, i never hear from him again. but my mother had corresponded with him. ( laughter ). >> stephen: since 1979. >> no, then. ask she sold him about 500 greeting cards. >> stephen: ask your mom still >> no, she stopped with greeting cards thing, too many strangers asking for them. anyway, so what happened then, is, like, may, this year, my mother called, and said that a manila envelope, something like fan mail got to her address. i said,"throw it away sm. and she said, "well, it sounds like somebody i remember. pappy pariah." and i remembered that name. >> stephen: right, it's on the book right here. ( laughter ).
envelope. >> stephen: pappy pariah, written by pappy pariah. >> and what came in this envelope was a manuscript with a dedication to me saying he wanted me to be the executor of it. >> stephen: is he did dead? >> this is what's interesting. no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the-- the return address was a lawyer's address in the caymen islands. so then what happened is that audible, you know who do book on tape thing for amazon. >> sure, sure, sure, digital books. >> they came into this thing. and he had wanted me to try to get it, you know, heard before the the election. and they came in great, and it's kind of -- >> it's a quick way to publish. you don't have to actually print it. you just do an audio book. >> and it's the new age of literature. up people to have information-- i clearly want people to have this information because what i read was something i felt was important for people to hear now.
election. >> stephen: i read the book, too. i got a similar-- i got a phone call from the middle of the night on the first day of my vacation in august, and it was, like, a gravelly voice, los angeles phone number, somebody said, "would you read this book?" >> right. >> stephen: and i said, "i'd love to, sean." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and he goes-- i don't know who you're talking about. i tonight know who you're talking about. and so i read the book and it's like a bit of a mystery, somethof the main character, bob honey, who just do stuff, might be a murderer, might be an assassin, might be c.i.a., might be insane. >> yeah. >> stephen: might be one of our greatest living actors. is there anything-- is and of this based on-- did pappy pariah know you well enough through your mother's letters that any of this reflects your own life, sean penn? >> i like to think that it will reflect everybody's life, or i
it. >> stephen: but not everybody-- because this character also has spent time, like, in the middle east. this character has also spent time with drug lords who are fascinated by escape tunnels. ( laughter ) there are certain things that you might relate to of this main character. >> oh, there's foe question i relate to a lot of it. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, i want to get into some of the things in your life that might be relevant to this book when we come back. but we have to serve some corporate masters. are you down with that? >> yes, which is largely what masters. so let's hit it. >> stephen: we'll bow down to our corporate masters and be
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also known as rico funds. critics have said pcso's use of the foundation is like money laundering. and they've also accused babeu of using the funds to fuel his campaign. it may already be illegal campaigning with government resources. or if they're just being used to make the sheriff look good, as he runs for congress. dccc is responsible for the content of this advertising. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with sean penn, who is here in association with the book "bob honey who just do stuff," written by the the
narrateed by sean penn which will be available on audible. you can can preorder it. >> it's a free download because audible saw fit to get these words out there. >> stephen: free. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's free. let me ask you. it's free. do you think it's worth the money? ( laughter ) >> listen you're talking to an american who spent their time watching the debate last night. if that was worth watching -- >> what did you think of the debate last you're politically... ( deep breath ) not shy. you're not shy about your politics, let's say. >> i don't think there's a political debate going on. so i didn't watch it. it's a social debate. >> stephen: that's soming because it's hard to see who won it, and people are trying to see who scored political point. you think it's more social points? >> it's in the book, actually. pappy pariah put it in a way that hit me. it's basically there are two
yourself from loving your children, and piss on a tree and show that you have the power to piss on a tree. or you can go out and vote in a very big way for someone like hillary clinton, who then you can challenge and support, can which is the only way that any kind of president can have any success, and you stick it out for four years. or we can just master bait our way into hell ( cheers and applause ) a guy who -- >> go back to that option one more time. that was very appealing. >> a guy who looks like the only blond magician. ( laughter ) >> stephen: if you're referring to trump, i don't think trump could actually masturbate his way to hell because his hands are too small.
>> proportional match. >> stephen: oh. i understand. i understand. i understand. let me ask you-- let me-- let me ask you this. you are-- you have sat down with some-- some dictators. you have sat down with hugo chavez. you sat down with the castros. why did you do that? ( laughter ) because people end up getting mad at you and going, "sean penn loves our enemies." and "sen why do you do that? i'm asking for a friend who is trying to interview you. ( laughter ). >> look, i've always been aware in advance that it makes me dismissible to those who want to make-- to dismiss. but again, like in the fact checking of all this th-- and i know you're very good at checking your facts-- but for example the word "dictator,"
16 internationally-observed elections, more than any leader we have goes through. that had not been my primary interest. my primary interest has been the united states-- or i should say its media the at large-- when they demonize foreign leaders and, therefore, demonize in many cases, their populations, this gets me interested to see what's the perspective from that-- from that place. as they might have found it strange that our chief police who became the president of the united states had a son who was being voted in florida with the governor as the brother, and some things went wrong with our election. when you look at it from those countries, it seems kind of banana republic, and we look the same other way. so i've just been interested to try to see it without watching it on fox news or cnn or the "new york times," and to see if
and i've written what i think about it. and i'm willing to be called the names that i've been called. so that's it. i'm just interested. >> all right. well, you also can. ( cheers and applause ) that's a virtue. curiosity is a virtue. you're also a luddite. like, you don't understand technology at all. >> nota all. >> stephen: would you know how to download this book on to your own phone or listen to on a laptop? >> if i'm too close to the machine, no one would be able to download it. ( laughter ) there's an -- >> do you have a hex on the machine? >> but i have staff so, -- >> you have staff. >> i have staff. ( laughter ). >> stephen: "i have staff. i have staff. power to the people and to my staff." >> and to my staff. i've created a huge amount of jobs, huge. >> stephen: or you're a job
good. you're not on twitter. >> i am not. >> stephen: well, we-- we signed you up. ( laughter ) okay. this is-- it's sean penn. it's called sean penn. and would you like to make your first tweet right now? i'll help. you can dictate it. i'll type, your first tweet. >> pappy, where are you? >> stephen: "pappy, because we're down in millennial. where are ya, question mark? is that good. >> excellent. >> stephen: hashtag. what hashtag? >> i don't know what a hashtag is. >> stephen: it's the future, sean. ( laughter ) it's how we-- hashtag, it's a searchable item in twitter. so you put this down, and people can search for that hashtag, and other people can tag their tweet, if they liked your tweet.
meaning a lot of people are doing it. and then people will go, "hey look at the-- look at the cultural impact this one tweet that sean penn made regarding his book." #bobhoney. it's just another way of including information. bob honey, and there it is. #bob hone. you ready to do it? >> yeah. s the bupon. ready? >> drum, please. ( drum roll ) here? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "bob honey who just do stuff" will be released as a free download on october 18 on audible.com. you can pre-order it now. sean penn, everybody. we'll be right back with sutton foster. ? ? ?
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. hey! oh, folks, you're in for a treat. my next guest is a two-time tony award-winning actress, singer and dancer, and star of the hit comedy series, "younger." please welcome sutton foster! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> hi, it's nice to see you, too. >> let me put this away. this is sean penn's novel. there you go. sorery about that. lovely to see you. now, i understand-- i was told before the show started -- that we met before, like, many years ago at second city? >> back in the noontimes i was
musical, and we would go to your late-night shows at second city. >> stephen: you guys were in chicago and you saw me on stage there? >> and i was like who is the dude doing the ginseng dance. i remember you doing some crazy dance and i was like that guy is hilarious. >> stephen: no, no it was called the energy dance, not the ginseng dance. >> but somebody would be like-- aahhh! i would do a crazy dance. >> stephen: it was leak's stall. when you had the next scene-- is this it? let me try it. i don't know if this is it. okay, if this is it. can i do it tow down here? i need a little more room. the energy dance is this-- you need a side shot. a side shot is better for this one. a little bit wider. thank you very much. i'll go over here. this is energy-- >> yup, that's it.
>> are you okay? >> stephen: sutton foster what have you done to me? that was exhausting when i was 26 years old. wow, but you're a real dancer. >> oh! >> stephen: you're the toast of broadway. you've been on broadway for 20 years. you have two tonys. ( applause ) you just walk down the street-- do you just walk down the street with your two tonies and go, "two tonys here coming through. two tonys once from los angeles back to new york. and i had them in my carry-on bag, and they went through the the metal detector, and the guy was like, "i gotta recheck your bag." and he was like, "what are these?" and i was like, "those are my tonys," "my tonys." and he was like-- completely unimpressed ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, you've got a
where your present age, can which i cannot believe is-- is it 40? >> 41 years old. >> stephen: you play a 26-year-old. >> i do. i play a 41-year-old who is pretend to be 26 because she couldn't get hired in the workforce. >> stephen: she's pretending to be 26? >> yes. >> stephen: did you have to do any research on being 26? >> well, i felt like evidence pretty much living under a rock. the show has been very eye opening to me. i've learned lot of things. ( laughter ) about being 26? >> well, no, like terms and things. >> stephen: okay. you-- are you going to go back to broadway any time soon? >> i'm actually going back to off-broadway. >> stephen: really? >> i started rehearsals today for an off-broadway revival of "sweet charity." >> stephen: oh, wow. >> it's the 50th anniversary, and we're doing this really cool revival, only
i'm very excited. >> stephen: i'm surprised you have time for that because i also know you have been cast in the revival of "cats." >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: "cats" is coming back to broadway and you're playing a big part. >> i know. >> stephen: it's got new songs, i understand. >> they did a total-- they really made it 2016. >> stephen: andrew lloyd webber did it again. he wrote it, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and the exciting part for me is not only are you i don't know if we have time for it. >> i don't know, either. it's remarkable. >> stephen: even more exciting than that, we actually have a clip of the new-- we have a clip of-- this is you and me-- this is the the new promotional commercial for the the new revival of the all-new with new songs ca can "cats." >> the tony award-winning musical "cats" is back on
about cats before, you ain't seen nothing yet. ? come closer my dear and rub my belly ? ( laughter ) ? oh, won't you please rub my belly? ? scratch, scratch, scratch! >> aahhh! >> if you've seen it before you'll want to see it again because this cast is fully spade and neutered. >> my owner what was her name again ? oh, look a curtip cord ? >> concluding rave can the can "cats" the number one musical about felines, if you don't down "the lion king" ? which how much i threw up while you were at work ? >> tickets for "cats" available now. it's the "hamilton" of
fanciful ? fantasticical there's nothing fragile-ast-ical the delicious taste of my own butt. >> no, my own butt ? of our own butts we just love the taste own butts ? ( applause ) ( cheers ) ( cheers and applause ) gr what an honor. what an unbelievable honor. >> thank you. >> stephen: the new season of "younger" premieres tomorrow night on tv land. the great sutton foster,
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? whatchu got on top? i'll take two of that ? i'm chasing a story i heard when i was here last ? at the back of the class you pretended you never got lost ? yeah, in the back of the class in the back of the bus ? sittin' out at the dance always saying no thanks ? and they see you around, you look down at the ground ? but when they walk away you wish they'd stay ? never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart ? never never mind your bleeding heart ? never never mind bleeding heart bleeding heart ? never never mind your bleeding heart ? you can't help but stare at everyone there ? it's you versus everyone else your outfit's a crime, you feel ? their cold minds placing you under arrest ? and you savor your time drinkin' all night long ? starin' at the walls
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