tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 29, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
>> stephen: who are you? >> stephen: i'm you, stephen, from the future. i've come back to warn you, a terrible event will t unless you do something about it. >> stephen: oh, my god, has trump become president? >> stephen: i don't know, i've only come from next tuesday. >> stephen: then why do you have a beard? >> stephen: this? it's fake. i didn't want to freak you out. >> stephen: so what did you come back to tell me? >> stephen: oh, yeah, don't buy a sailboat. it's much more expensive than you think. upkeep is ridiculous, and you're
>> stephen: how much did the time machine cost? >> stephen: it came with the boat. >> stephen: well, if there is nothing else, i've got to do a show tonight. >> stephen: who's on tonight? >> stephen: morgan freeman. >> stephen: oh! i remember that show! it was really good! you're so excited afterwards you go out and buy a boat!n theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! yeah! whoo!
how are you, jon? ( cheers and applause ) yeah! yeah! thank you! thank you! thank you, this audience is a gift from god! thank you very much, everybody. or if you're an atheist, they're a gift from an indifferent university. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. thank you for being in here, out there. we are still trying to figure out who won monday's presidential debate. democrats say hillary won, while republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates. evidently, his staffers tried to
first debate, but say, "mr. trump found it hard to focus during those meetings," and "he did not seem to pay attention during the practice sessions." i don't blame trump. i mean, white house, oval office? that's colors and shapes. very difficult. what's next? what's next? ( cheers and applause ) what's next? object rolls behind the couch? there is no way of knowing! ( laughter ) child, like,. he's childlike is the point. but unlike his advisors, trump isn't ready to concede defeat last monday. he knows that a: he won. and b: he lost because it was rigged. >> a new post debate poll that just came out, the google poll, has us leading hillary clinton
that's despite the fact that google's search engine was suppressing the bad news about hillary clinton. how about that? >> stephen: how about that? yeah, how about that? google must be suppressing bad news about hillary clinton. i know when i googled "hillary" and "debate," it was only good news. and this isn't the first time trump has blamed his woes on technology. earlier this week, he blamed his debate performance on a defective microphone. before that, he blamed his failure to disavow former klansmen david duke on a lousy earpiece. and in july he blamed a tweet using an anti-semetic six-pointed star on microsoft shapes, though many are calling that excuse a pile of poop emoji, and donald trump isn't the only one who smells a conspiracy.
"hillary clinton scratched her nose to signal to lester holt on six different occasions. the signal meant clinton wanted to get a zinger in and to go to her without changing the subject." yes, this gesture was the signal. right here. this was the signal right here. okay, she did it many times. unfortunately, hillary didn't get to do the one hand gesture she really wanted. >> jon: that's a serious signal. >> stephen: i mean, what other possible explanation could there be for her doing this? her nose was itchy? think about it: when was the last time you itched your nose? your itchy, itchy nose that itches. probably got a bug on it or something.
that is why there is a third conspiracy theory. during the debate, people noticed hillary was wearing a device under her jacket that could have been a secret earpiece or a coughing prevention machine. yes, the well-known cough-prevention machine. it's apple's new hip-mounted iron lung. ( laughter ) >> stephen: or wait a second, follow me down the rabbitt hole here. it could be the transmitter pack for the microphone she was wearing. right there! my god! she was recording everythin they were saying! ( laughter ) and that's never good for trump, ever! but despite these kind of dirty tricks, secretary clinton is still struggling with millennials. by the way, if you're not sure who millennials are, they're the ones who never use the term "millennials."
the support of just 31% of likely voters under 35." so hillary's doing everything she can to attract young people. that's why, for the first time since july, she appeared on the campaign trail this week with that millenial heart-throb, bernie sanders. ( cheers and applause ) bernie! they really like him. he really connects with millenialsus old. ( laughter ) between that, and her social media outreach, no one's gone after young voters this hard since bill clinton. ? cold blooded ?
>> stephen: no! what are you reading into nat? ( laughter ) she's even begun trying to appeal to young people by selling a t-shirt on her website that says "yaaaas hillary" on it. which is perfect, because when she asks you, "am i trying too hard?" you can say, "yaaaaas. hillary!" while it's understandable that she wants this vital voting bloc, she may be going after millennials a little too hard. as a matter of fact, she's just released a new ad targeting the young ones, and we at "the late show" have gotten an advance copy. >> and now a special message from hillary clinton. ? >> hey, millennials. check -- it -- out. my name is hillary and i'm here to say our country is being threatened in a serious way. if you want to stop trump and save the day, vote for me
fill all the fields. authenticity is trump wants to take our country back but i'll use the doc filter on snapchat. rough, rough, rough. the middle class has it rough, rough, rough, rough. come on, kids, just tell me what you want. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've got a great show tonight. morgan freeman is here, and when we return, i'll be over there, talking about other candidates you could vote for. stick around. ( cheers and applause )
? ? ? lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for $349 a month. only at your lincoln dealer. ah, i'm in there as katie. i'll call you later ...or...no i won't, i'll text you, because what am i your dad? "don't stay out too late!". yea, just text me. thank you, get home safe. this must be what antonio brown feels like when he's dancing in the end zone. touchdown antonio brown! [crowd cheering] this must be how lucas felt when he finally got katie's number.
? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tasty! thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so welcome back. i'm just enjoying a lovely cup of coffee. i like my coffee the way i like my band leaders, extremely talented. jon batiste, everybody! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: before the break, we were talking about hillary clinton's struggle with millennial voters. and she's not alone. "younger voters are shunning the two major political parties on a scale not seen since ross
it's true, young people loved ross perot, but remember, back in '92, he was still in "new kids on the block." he was the fiscally responsible one. this election cycle, for any millennials disenchanted with clinton and trump, there's libertarian candidate and aging clown without makeup, gary johnson. johnson fans here ( cheering ) then you're going to like the next seven minutes. ( laughter ) johnson is the former governor of new mexico, whose platform includes a variety of small-government policies, but the only one you care about is: he wants to legalize marijuana. ( cheers and applause ) it actually says in the script here "audience screams." ( laughter ) libertarians have long been waiting for a smart, respectable candidate to represent their values... and the wait continues
crazy-ass stuff, like last week, when he made this case for his inclusion in the presidential debates. >> and do you think if you were able to get on the debate stage, that you could pull even with trump and clinton in these polls? >> i do. and it wouldn't have anything to do with my debate performance. either it would just be that people would recognize that there's another choice and that there would be an examination of me and bill weld as who we are and what we've done, and based on that, i think i could stand up there for the whole debate and not say anything and emerge as the leader. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( mocking ) >> stephen: i think that park bench is where gary johnson lives. ( laughter )
and it doesn't get much better when you can understand him. for example, take his position on climate change, as he explained back in 2011. >> change. i think the world is getting warmer. i think it's man-caused. we should building new coal-fired plants. should we take the long-term view when it comes to global warming? i think we should. the long term view is that, in billions of years, the sun is going to actually grow and encompass the earth, right? so global warming is in our in our future. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the same excuse i use around the house. "sorry, honey, i'd take out the trash, but in a couple of billion years the sun is going to engulf the earth, so, what's
just a few days ago, johnson clarified his position, saying that his long term solution to global warming is that "we do have to inhabit other planets." i believe gary johnson already does. ( applause ) gary johnson seems like a bit of a masochist, and it's not just biting his tongue. according to the economist, "he once shut himself inside a freezer to prove he could withstand the cold," and he clamped an alligator clip onto his tongue to show he could withstand pain. which means if he doesn't win the presidency, he's still got a good shot to be in the next "jackass" movie. ( laughter ) ( applause ) good movie.
he didn't help his chances earlier this month on msnbc's "the coffee joe morning show" when coffee joe barnacle asked him his position on the epicenter of the syrian refugee crisis, aleppo. >> and what would you do if you were elected, about aleppo? >> about...? >> aleppo. >> and what is aleppo? >> you're kidding. >> stephen: yes. obviously, he's just kidding! it's a joke: knock-knock. who's there? no surprise johnson is polling at nearly 37% among military service members -- because if the president doesn't know about syria, there's no way he's sending you there. ( applause ) i think we just applauded for
yay! what are we applauding for? we don't know! i'm with you, my friends. and just last night, johnson made another gaffe at an msnbc town hall. >> who's your favorite foreign leader? >> who's my favorite-- >> any, just name anywhere in the country, any one of the continents, any country. name one foreign leader that you respect and look up to. anybody. ( exhales ) you got to do this. anywhere. any continent. canada? mexico? europe, over there? asian? south america? africa? name a foreign leader that you respect. >> i guess i'm having an aleppo moment. >> stephen: that is an aleppo moment because bombing like that should be a war crime. eventually, johnson was bailed out by his running mate, former massachusetts governor and guy who'll be played in the showtime miniseries by a wheel of cheese, william weld. >> anybody in the world you like. anybody! pick any leader! >> the former president of mexico. >> which one? >> (sighs heavily) i'm having a brain, i'm having a brain--
>> fox! thank you! >> who is your favorite leader? >> get him off the hook, name a foreign leader. >> fox! >> stephen: fox! that's it! mexican president megan fox! ( laughter ) obviously, gary johnson's ignorance, crazy ideas and strange tongue exercises make him the most laughable candidate out there. or, should. ( laughter ) but things might be looking up for gary johnson because it was just announced that former nickolodeon star melissa joan hart was named chair of his that's right! clarissa. perfect. he could really use someone who explains it all to him. ( applause ) point is, he's staying in the race-- despite five-thirty-eight giving him a less than 0.1% chance of winning in november. so voting for johnson might be throwing your vote away, but c'mon.
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>> stephen: welcome, morgan freeman! >> thank you very much, stephen colbert! >> stephen: you're always a lovely guest to have. >> thank you. >> stephen: before we go any further, morgan freeman, can i ask what i am orlando 2016 means? >> this has to do with the "invictus" games, the wounded warriors "invictus" games started by prince harry. he >> stephen: are you competing in the games this year? >> not this year, no. >> stephen: were you an athlete when you were younger? did you compete in athletics when you were younger? >> no. >> stephen: all right. let's move on. >> okay. >> stephen: do you know what you are a champion at? >> no. >> stephen: the arts, because you just received -- this is fantastic, a goal nor any artist -- you just received the highest award the united states can give to any artist, the
>> stephen: that's pretty exciting. how did you find out you were getting it? >> i -- uh -- >> stephen: am i telling you right now for the first time? >> no, i usually get a call. >> stephen: was his name barack? >> no, he didn't c >> stephen: nor did you go to the ceremony, i understand. >> no. well, he didn't call. >> stephen: you weren't able to make it to the ceremony, so there's no photo of you at the ceremony, so we made up one for you. there you are. ( applause ) just so you have something. a memento. have you gotten a medal? >> no. they'll probably send it to the house. >> stephen: yeah? do you know what it looks like? is it nice?
thing as being too casual about this, morgan freeman. >> i'm sorry. i apologize. >> stephen: don't apologize to me. >> who? >> stephen: apologize to the national art people? do you know who decides to give this to you? is it congress? who makes the decision? >> well, the note said the president. >> stephen: really? yeah! >> stephen: he's just sitting in bed watching "shawshank" one night and goes, i'm going to give that man a medal. ( applause ) >> i don't know. >> stephen: you just don't know. these powerful people make up their mind and things happen. >> that's for sure. >> stephen: when you're not doing your fancy hollywood stuff and your executive producing "madam secretary," you're down in mississippi. you've got a ranch there, right? >> sort of. i have horses. >> stephen: you have horses. when i think ranch, i think of cattle and stuff, and i don't do any of that. i just have horses. >> stephen: and i understand
>> i have bees. i have a bee ranch. >> stephen: how do the horses feel about the bees? >> they get along quite well, and i'll tell you why. >> stephen: why? the bees don't fool around with the horses. ( laughter ) they just don't. >> stephen: they don't fool around with morgan freeman either, i understand. >> not really, no. >> stephen: is it true that you actually didn't wear the >> if you're going to harvest and fool around with them a lot, yes, you wear the paraphernalia. but just to check the hives, they won't bother you. >> stephen: anyone or they won't bother morgan freeman? ( laughter ) because you just mellow them out? you get on their wavelength. >> that's all they need. they just need calmness. >> stephen: really? yeah, if you're just callum -- i remember picking
valley, and bees are all over you, and you're not getting stung or bothered in any way. if you get sugar on you, you will get a bee on you. >> stephen: don't go to a beehive slattered in sugar is the lesson there. >> stephen: do you sell this morgan freeman honey? and i don't just mean your delicious voice ( laughter ) is there a stand for morgan freeman? >> i haven't figured that out. >> stephen: just put morgan freeman on the label. >> there is the f.d.a., the health department people you've got to deal with and i haven't figured out how to get past them. >> stephen: just flash your little presidential medal and say, back off. ( applause ) this is the national medal of the arts. you've got nothing to worry about. you've got a get-out-of-jail-free medal, my friend. >> do you really think that would work?
barack. >> i will. i'll get a chance to ask him. >> stephen: also, do you have any kind of relationship with hillary clinton, by the way? >> yes, i do. >> stephen: you do. because i understand she was one of the inspirations for "madam secretary," which you are executive producer and you play chief justice and direct the premiere. >> the second and third original -- you know, the first series season show. premiere this year? >> sunday night. >> stephen: and you directed that. >> yes ( applause ) >> stephen: someone's already seen it. what was the inspiration? what was the ah-ha we should make a movie? >> when we saw hillary going through that whole thing about benghazi -- >> stephen: when she was in the hearings for 11 hours there? >> yeah, and we have been
want to hang with, a story you want to tell, and we thought, you know, we've had three female secretaries of state, and they've all been pretty good at it. and so -- ( applause ) awful lot of material there to feed from, so why don't we try that? and then somebody said, okay, what will we call it? "madam secretary." >> stephen: and that's how you executive produce. there it is. >> that's precisely it. >> stephen: wow. and my producing partner really gets angry with me when i say, yeah, executive producer, it's a title. he says, you work, you do a lot of stuff! i say, yeah, what? ( laughter ) >> stephen: again, you have to
if she gets elected, do you think that will change your tv show at all, the story line at all? >> no, no, because they're not based on her. >> stephen: inspired by her. you understand -- >> stephen: i know it's not bio pic of hillary clinton. >> no, it's not. if she gets to be president, we'll do that. >> stephen: you had a document riabout her li democratic convention. >> i narrated a lot of stuff for her. >> stephen: what is more challenging, the migration of penguins across antarctica or narrating for hillary clinton. >> no, actually, it's all in your belief system, as it were, and i like the story of the penguins, and i like hillary. >> stephen: everybody loves
, none. >> stephen: so the story is going nowhere. i'll drop it. >> i like that about you. >> stephen: you're a friend of elon musk. >> yeah. >> stephen: he says you can go to mars for $10 billion. would you want to go to live on mars if you had the money? >> not yet. >> stephen: why. it's not even like the western frontier where there was nothing out there but grass and buffalo but there was food. >> stephen: right. ther there is not even water that you can be sure of. >> stephen: he's not a great salesman for it because he said, it will cost $10 million and pretty sure you're gonna die. ( laughter ) >> before you get back here, sure. >> stephen: it's a one-way trip, $10 million and a one-way trip and you're probably gonna die. >> well, like you say, not much of a sales pitch. >> stephen: yes. well, the new season of "madam secretary" starts this sunday, you directed it.
it's going to be very exciting. we're going to have a very exciting season actually, because i'm reading the scripts as they come in. >> stephen: at some points she becomes elected president and then -- ( laughter ) >> watch my lips, stephen -- no. ( applause ) >> stephen: the new season of "madam secretary" premieres sunday at 9:00 on cbs! morgan freeman, everybody! mars we'll be back with judith light!
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kids. >> yes, you did. you treat me horribly most of the time. why don't you just go. >> you're kicking us out? es, this is my place, my time, me pampering myself. i'm going to have a massage, a manny-pedi and i'm going to indulge myself. trevor is teaching care. >> who is trevor. the gay who comes with the room. >> stephen: please welcome judith light! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> hello, everybody! >> stephen: hello.
>> stephen: nice to see you, too. >> really, i adore you, just let that be known. >> stephen: i have sudden very strong affections for you as well. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: if i told you five years ago that you were going to be on a hit series that was available only through a company that also sells bulk toilet paper -- >> yes. >> stephen: -- amazon, what would you have said to me in response? >> i would have said that would be the end of my career. >> stephen: but strange all the different places you can get entertainment now? >> extraordinary. somebody once said what does it feel like to do a show on a home shopping network? i said it is that kind of thing that is changing the world. amazon is the best partner anybody could possibly have. they're amazing. >> stephen: other than cbs. yes, and we do love cbs. >> stephen: and if anybody wants me to ship them toilet paper, just let me know.
>> i do. >> stephen: do you get a deal on amazon products? >> i get a deal. >> stephen: i would negotiate that. do you get free shipping? >> i do get free shipping. >> stephen: the show has been really ground-breaking in talking about introducing people to the trans community, trans concerns. do you feel like a pressure to continue that? because it's a family story, but it's also been sort of a cultural milestone. does t aspect of it feel like we have to continue this, we have to continue educating people? >> it's the context from which everything comes. it is the gift that keeps on giving. it is jill's story, it is about her parent and we never let that go, and jeffrey tambor who is so brilliant in this show -- ( applause ) -- he has really taken up the mantle of this and really all of us feel an incredible
have been an ally for the lgbt community for many, many years and, so, for me, it's just another part of the advocacy of my life and the joy i get to do that. >> stephen: your new character this season is sort of a self-styled, self-help guru. >> that's correct. >> stephen: have you ever indulged in the self-help gurudom? >> i'm a girl of the '60s! i mean, we did all of that. i mean, there was everything. >> stephen: what did you because i would love to be in a cult. i would love somebody to tell me what to do, how to think. >> you're in television -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: exactly right. i talk there, i say these words, i talk to her. >> exactly! >> stephen: no, but, really, were you in any sort of self-help movements in the '70s? >> i did -- probably a lot of you are too young to know about a thing called est.
leave the room for seven hours? >> there were other things. you weren't allowed to go to the bathroom, everybody said things like that. >> stephen: was that true? yes. >> stephen: did it help? i couldn't focus on anything if i had to go to the bathroom. >> i understand. but they have adapted the organizations over time, but, you know, the thing that was really valuable for me is i realized i wanted to investigate my life. what was really important to me is the unexamined life is not worth li understand myself better and it was the thing that brought me into therapy and helped me tremendously because i wanted to understand myself. whenever i do a part, any character i play, i want to understand them psychologically and i knew i had to understand myself and i knew i didn't. >> stephen: you're doing a play now called the one-woman play. it's all the ways to say i love you here in new york city. one-woman show on stage by yourself.
>> it's really lonely. and our brilliant director lee silverman placed the setting so there's no door, there is no escape. i can't get out until i'm done. >> stephen: would you if there was a door? you would like (bleep) i'm out of here? >> can you say that? >> stephen: it's okay for me to say it. no other show on cbs can say it. they're not going to bleep that, right? they're saying it's cool. and if it's not, (bleep) those ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being here for my last show! >> oh, my goodness. and goodbye. ( laughter ) >> stephen: when you're doing a show by yourself, you've got no partner to play off of. you know, if it's not going well, you can't blame anyone else. >> that's exactly right. they call the entire cast to rehearsal and it's just you. >> stephen: right.
it's the hardest thing i've ever done. i have been on stage bald, i have been on stage naked, but this is harder than that. >> stephen: why were you on stage naked? just curious. >> he wants to come to see that play. >> stephen: i'm just curious, i was on stage naked once. >> you were? >> stephen: i was 19 years old. i was an extra in ken russell, the director, he was doing madam butterfly. >> right. >> stephen: and the beginning of it says i want somebody to run out on stage naked trying to get away from a night of pain and pleasure and they pointed at me and said you. and i said to myself, i'm 19, this isn't going to get any better -- >> in fact, it gets worse. >> stephen: not at all. not at all. >> no? >> stephen: i'm imagining you naked now and you're lovely. >> that's so sweet. >> stephen: that doesn't
>> stephen: hold on -- this one really should have embarrassed you. ( laughter ) because you weren't alone! >> really? >> stephen: there were two of you. >> oh, two of me? and this year, now, we should be stopping this conversation. >> stephen: no, cbs lets me talk about any of this stuff that i want. >> so you are in a cult. very nice. >> stephen: i am, in the cbs cult. yeah, we allsh >> i know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you so much, judith light. the third season of "transparent" is now available on amazon prime video. judith light, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by jimmy eat world. ( cheers and applause ) ? my mother passed 2003, but she always told me i don't care if you turn out to be a great athlete or whatever but, you need to make sure you get your college degree.
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a new page of controversy for sheriff paul babeu. sources tell us the fbi has subpoenaed records related to how babeu's office used seized criminal money also known as rico funds. and they've also accused babeu of using the funds to fuel his campaign. it may already be illegal campaigning with government resources. or if they're just being used to make the sheriff look good, as he runs for congress.
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for us. tom o'halleran has a plan to hold the politicians accountable -- no pay for congress if they don't pass a budget, reduce the influence of big money and special interests, and no more first-class travel paid for by taxpayers. i'm tom o'halleran, and i approve this message because you deserve leaders you can trust. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be samantha bee, abby elliott, and asa butterfield. now stick around for james corden and his guests, max greenfield and tig notaro. good night!