tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 6, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much, everybody! good to see you! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my gosh. thank you so much. welcome to the show. you're very kind, everybody. welcome to the show. i'm stephen colbert. you know, a lot of times, i start the show talking about donald trump, but there's other news out there-- one imagines. meanwhile, trump visited an elementary school classroom yesterday in nevada, and listen carefully to how one of the children reacted. >> i'm nervous. i'm starting to get nervous. i'm nervous, i'm nervous. i'm nervous. >> stephen: we all are, sweetie. we all are.
can't be good. it is good he has memorized that sentence now because, after president trump is elected, that will be our pledge of allegiance. "i'm starting to get nervous." also, "i'm nervous" was in all of trump's wives' wedding vows. i am not sure why trump was visiting those first graders. presumably to borrow a pair of gloves. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and that wasn't the only child with something to say about trump. >> see, ana, i told you his hair wasn't orange. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: oh, kids day the darnedest things! no, his skin is what's orange! his hair is a decomposing
we here at the "late show" we have obtained additional audio of these children, and one kid really expressed what so many are feeling. >> i'm nervous. i'm nervous. i don't like trump, but i don't trust hillary, and gary johnson is just throwing your vote away. >> stephen: but when trump was done frightening small children, he asked for a favor from an unlikely group, the terminally ill. >> i don't care how sick you i don't care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it's over. you won't be around in two weeks. doesn't matter. hang out 'till november 8.
>> stephen: yeah, just go to that booth, pull that lever out of spite. "if i've got to go, i'm taking you all with me." ( applause ) ( piano riff ) i really think trump finally found his core demographic, people who won't be alive for his administration. ( laughter ) ( applause ) sure, let's give some applause! let's applaud for them, they deserve it. now, trump has been taking a lot of heat for his tax returns recently, so, earlier this week, he decided to change the subject by upsetting veterans. >> when you talk about the mental health problems-- when people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you're strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can't handle it.
people with p.t.s.d. are weak, but he respects our veterans. he went to a military academy and then served five tours of deferment from vietnam. i mean, he would have loved to have gone, but he had bone spurs in his heel. have you ever had bone spurs? they're annoying. trump opened up about his painful military experience in a 1997 interview, when he said this about the prevalence of s.t.d.'s in the '70s club scene: there. it's scary, like vietnam. it is my personal vietnam. i feel like a great and very brave soldier." yes, it's just like they say in the military, "all gave some, some gave all, he got some up -- he got some. ( laughter ) by the way, trump's nickname at the nightclubs? "agent orange."
so you see, just because trump never served in the military doesn't mean he can't speak to the trauma of war. he, too, has suffered. it's time we acknowledge not only our veterans' p.t.s.d. but our deferred veterans pre-t.s.d. people who were so traumatized by the idea of going to war that they just had to stay home and have sex with models. clearly, pre-t.s.d. has affected trump's mental health: incoherent speech, sudden mood swings, twee f at 5:00 a.m. the man is in pain. possibly from spending so much time on the toilet. speaking of disasters, does anyone here have a samsung galaxy note 7? please calmly remove yourself from the theater. hazmat teams are waiting for you in the lobby. because, yesterday, a southwest airlines plane was evacuated after one of those phones caught fire in its owner's pocket.
smartphone in your pocket, or are you just happy to get free pop chips on a flight to baltimore?" according to reports, the smartphone's charbroiled owner then threw his phone to the ground, where it began emitting a "thick, grey-green angry smoke." angry green smoke, incidentally, an early frontrunner for the 2020 g.o.p. nomination. as you know -- you know, you're samsung recall those phones that were catching fire? yes, they did-- in fact, just last month samsung had to replace 2.5 million phones. and this was a replacement phone. it's like the old saying: "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice-- oh my god, my crotch is on fire!"
as a child, i never would have imagined i would have gotten applause for saying, oh, my god, my crotch is on fire. truly a wonderful world. a lot of the news this year has been unbelievable, and we might have just learned why. because two tech billionaires, convinced we live in the matrix, are secretly funding scientists to help break us out of it. they call it "the simulation theory," and you might have heard about it earlier this year, when elon musk revealed he believes that the chance that we are not living in a computer simulation is "one in billions". he said that he had come to that conclusion after a chat in a hot tub. "hey, everybody, loosen up! yeah, i'm not wearing any pants. but this whole thing might be a simulation! anybody interested in a little stimulation? hey zuckerberg, open another bottle of rose! we're all just ones and zeroes, baby!
that's my impression of elon musk, by the way. so, if elon musk is right-- and he is a lot-- this universe is just a giant video game, and i've got to say, there's room for improvement. i mean, what was the developer thinking? the whole thing starts with this 18-year tutorial level called school-- that you're not allowed to skip. then you never end up using that stuff in the game. not to mention this huge glitch where bad things happen to good people. there are nice touches here and there-- i mean, dogs? a-plus. but why can't we play the game as dogs? they're having a pretty good time. not to mention all these in-game transactions. everything costs a ton of money. and all the best tasting food hurts your health! i hope they fired the guy who made that decision. i mean, yeah, there's love of family, the beauty of nature, and yeah, the orgasm mini games are fun, but those are almost impossible to unlock. also unless you play as a buddhist or a hindu, you only
all in all, i'd say three stars. now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to me sitting at the desk. this is my favorite part of the show because i get to not use leg muscles. mmm. ( laughter ) of course, there's another debate this sunday, and there is a lot of pressure on trump to outline policy proposals. and if trump has one signature policy proposal, it is having no policy proposals. but if he has two, it's the wall.
he is going to build it, mexico is going to pay for it, it's going to be the best wall ever, like the great wall of china had a three-way with the berlin wall and the wailing wall. we don't have a picture of that? we don't have a mockup of that? well, folks, just imagine three walls having sex. naturally, the wall isn't particularly popular in mexico or with fans of dignity. but we did find one hispanic person who is a bior please welcome, live via satellite, from the border, martin hernandez. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being here, mr. hernandez. >> my pleasure. i love the wall. i'll take any opportunity to talk about the wall. >> stephen: you must be fun at parties. so, to be clear: even though you are not an american, you want a border wall? >> oh yes, the wall is the simplest, most elegant solution
country. way more practical than, say, a flaming moat full of crocodiles or training swarms of bees to check passports. >> stephen: i have to say, i'm pretty surprised you are such an enthusiastic proponent of the wall. >> why? >> stephen: because you're mexican. >> mexican? what are you talking about? i'm canadian, ey. >> stephen: canadian? i thought you were hispanic. >> oh, so just because somebody is hispanic, they cannot be canadian? come on. of jeopardy, alejandro trebek? >> stephen: i am familiar with him. so why is a canadian building our mexican border wall? >> no, i'm in alberta, stephen. i'm building this wall to keep americans out of canada. ( cheers and applause ) the mortar i'm using is poutine! >> stephen: but why?
>> stephen: no, why the wall? >> because if donald trump is elected, you americans are going to flee to canada like crazy. you'll take our jobs and steal our canadian women! keep your filthy american hands off celine dion! my heart will go on-- not yours. >> stephen: but what about americans who have relatives in canada? you're separating families! not to mention all of our imaginary girlfriends. >> sorry, stephen, she's my imaginary girlfriend now. >> stephen: beth! no! yes, beth. sorry, stephen. and the best part is, we're going to make america pay for the wall. okay? make canada great again! ( cheers and applause ) now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go have imaginary sex with beth. >> stephen: martin hernandez, everyone.
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>> reggie: not even close. >> james: that is how we say it in england. can wet get through the monday lowing. we have big guests, zack >> reggie: sorry, guys. james, it's actual you will actually pronounced zack gal-eye-fee-a-knee-kiss. >> james: i'm so sorry, you are bang on. should we have a look at who our guests are on the show. in the blue room, she's one of the most famous raw musicians of all times, a grammy winner, living ledge en, i can't believe
stevie nicks is here tonight. yeah, there she is. how are you? >> first time on tv. hello, my name is lily and i'm so happy to be here. >> james: we're so happy are you here. how are things going, are you well sh. >> i'm good, i'm well. >> james: and are you going to perform for us. >> yes, i am. >> james: you can believe it. you lucky people. stef yea nicks, everybody. and in the orange room, you know him from the mega hit twilight the brilliant scream queens plrks hot stuff himself, the brilliant taylor lautner is here tonight. (cheers and applause) hi, taylor, how are you? >> awesome. >> james: how's things. >> things are great. i'm just waiting back here to come out with you, man. >> james: look at this look taylor has gone for tonight. it's sort of, like, sort of tech billionaire. >> i'll take it i call it jeans and t. >> james: no, tech
tumblr. taylor lautner, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> james: and in the red room tonight, a brilliant comedian and actor, you know from birdman, the hangover triology, we are such fans of his, the one, the only mr. zack galifianakis is here tonight. (cheers and applause) do you have another hair >> james: hey, zack, how are you doing? >> you can send another hair person, please. >> james: zack galifianakis, everybody. (cheers and applause) are you ready? he's reggie watt, i'm james corden, this, this is the "late, late show," roll the tight e8s. -- titles.
cockney accent, is it? >> no. my mother says we look back on it with great fondness. >> stephen: the pleasure of distance. >> yes. >> stephen: are there different ways to compliment or not in england as opposed to america? >> yes. i get in trouble here. you guys, if you really like something, you say, i thought it was it and to me, that is really rude because, in england you say, yes, it was quite good, which means it was trash, you hated it. >> stephen: how does that translate as bad. >> quite good, ahh -- not there, quite good. people come up and say, i saw your movie, it was quite good.
to tell me that. >> stephen: so what would they say in england. >> you were good. >> stephen: don't go overboard. >> people are not effusive. >> stephen: you will be there eight months. your girls will be there be you. >> yes. >> stephen: what about john kaczynski? >> he's coming for the first three months, then he has a job to go to. he loves it and very much feels like a foreigner there. i think americans are so welcoming to british people. i do not think it works the other way around. >> stephen: we like you more than you like us? >> yes. and john said he would go into a snooty cafe near a flat i used to own and he said they're always so horrible to me. i said, take your baseball cap off. no one wears baseball hats in england. you look so american. it's true. >> stephen: why don't you like
world war ii! >> hey! >> stephen: i'm personally offended. >> i look back on that with great fondness. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how long have you been in the states working now? >> i have been here for eight years. >> stephen: wow. okay. when you go back, do people say, wow, you've really got an american accent. >> my mom. >> stephen: really? my mother is featured a lot in in interview. she said to me on the phone, you're sounding very mid atlantic. >> stephen: is that iceland? somewhere like you're bobbing around in the waves somewhere in the middle? ( laughter ) the new movie is "the girl on the train. >> yes. >> stephen: a huge best-seller. you are the woman on the train. >> yes. how dare you! keep it useful! >> stephen: no, i just want to say the right thing. >> that's all right. >> stephen: you are a somewhat troubled person. >> just a little, yes. >> stephen: who believes she
woman, and here's a scene of you talking to allison janney, a police inspector. >> and i'm also an alcoholic which is why i look pretty rough. >> stephen: also had a second child. that doesn't help at all. >> hey! >> stephen: you look fantastic. jim? >> i saw something with megan but not on friday night. she -- she was having an affair. she had a lover. that's what i'm trying to tell you. >> i thought you didn't know her. >> no, but i saw her. you saw her where? i saw her from the train. she was standing on the deck with this man. >> her husband scott, with him? no, this man was different and they were kissing. >> wow. that's pretty coincidental, isn't it? ( applause ) >> she's a tough crowd. >> stephen: please stick around. we'll talk more. back with more emily blunt, everybody.
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! we're here with the lovely and talented emily blunt. now, "the girl on the train -- >> yeah. >> stephen: a fantastic cast. allison janney. >> one of the best. plays your husband. >> yes. >> stephen: he's hilarious. he is. >> stephen: it's not a funny movie. >> no, he was so wonderful on set because he kept things so light and sent me jokes. he would send me acting tip videos to cheer me up. if he knew i was having a hard
tips on driving scenes and sex scenes. >> stephen: wow. those tips. >> stephen: or sex while driving. >> yeah. but i got so into them and they made me laugh so much, then i started to reciprocate and we recorded a few as well. >> stephen: you sent along a clip from your phone. >> i did. no one has ever seen this. >> stephen: is this you giving tips to him or him giving tips to you? >> this is me showing him how you can prove a line in different ways a h different intonations. >> stephen: this is emily and justin in a car giving tips on a single line. jim? >> so for example, justin has a line where he says, i don't want you anywhere near here. and i was thinking he could play it various different ways. he could play it, i don't want "you" anywhere near here! i mean, it's effective.
him. >> i don't want you anywhere near him. i don't want "you" anywhere "near" him. >> that's good. >> stephen: you're a great coach. ( applause ) >> just trying to point him in the right direction. >> stephen: i'm not an actor -- ( laughter ) but i do have to say lines over and over on the show. some of the lines i have to say every night. one of them is this line, and i wouldn't mind getting tips from you. i've said it about 220 times so far last near. >> the line is, stick around, we've got a great show. could be played in various different ways. >> stephen: how do i get the most out of that? >> well, i just feel you have to add a little bit of gravidas to it.
defensive. ( laughter ) you just see what that might look like. >> to you? yeah, right to me. stick around, we've got a great show. give me a reading. >> yeah, i mean, no, it was good. >> stephen: no, give me a reading. i'm not too proud. give me a reading. >> stick around, we've -- we've got a great show. ( applause ) right? okay, let him try again. >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show. ( cheers and applause ) >> stick around, we've got a great show. >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show. >> stick around, we've got a great show. >> stephen: stick around we've got a great show. >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around,
>> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! >> stephen: stick around, we've got a great show! >> stick around, we've got a great show! ( cheers and applause ) oh, wow. >> stick around, we've got a great show. stick around, we've got a great show. we've got a great show.
you know him from projects such as "amores perros," "y tu mama?a tambieee?n," and "mozart in the jungle." he stars in a new movie, "desierto." please welcome gael garciii?a. bernal! ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: we can shake >> yeah. >> stephen: your new movie is called "desierto." tell the people what it's about. i don't want to characterize it. go ahead. >> basically, it's about a group of migrants that are going from mexico toward the united states, they're from different parts of latin america, and, all of a sudden, as they're crossing the border in the most dangerous part which is the arizona desert, all of a sudden this vigilante, in a way, starts
>> stephen: that's played by jeffrey morgan. >> yeah. >> stephen: he's hunting them, really. >> hunting them. >> stephen: this is a very interesting time to be releasing this movie because immigration is sort of the hottest topic in our political landscape right now. donald trump has made his campaign about the wall, and stopping what you call migrants, what opponents of immigration how is he perceived in mexico? do people talk about him at all? >> well, at the beginning, there was an ignoring factor. it was a bit like is this a joke? this must not be real. what's going on? >> stephen: that was the reaction here, too. >> in the beginning, it was that, and, obviously, it's changed into this kind of nervousness here and anger, also, because the first thing he
the candidate, no, he said mexicans are rapists -- >> stephen: drug dealers, murderers. >> and some of them may be good people, you know, just out of pure chance. >> stephen: are you one of the good ones? >> well, you never know, you know, because -- i don't know, it's, like, yeah, exactly. >> stephen: yeah. of course, it's not seen in a good light in mexico. not only that but also the way our government has treated that sort of spreading. something that our government in mexico hasn't done a very good job at stopping and pointing out. so we are very upset about it, yes. i can talk for all mexicans, we are incredibly upset, and angered as well. >> stephen: well, this movie is not going to make them feel any better because jeffrey dean
movie who is hunting people coming over the border. it's really a horror movie in a way. >> it is. >> stephen: and we have a clip here and anything else we need to say about it before we go in? you were one to have the migrants coming across the border with your wife? >> he's returning to his home because here in the united states is where he had a son and he was deported, like so many are deported. >> stephen: he was picked up by ice here in the united states and brought back to me >> exactly, he's coming back to see his son. >> stephen: okay. jim? ( breathing heavily )
>> stephen: and that teddy bear is his son's. >> that teddy bear, he's returning it to his son. ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah. the dogs in the film are incredible. >> stephen: did you learn anything from the dogs? because i just got acting lessons from emily blunt. >> yeah, right. i cannot tell you what i learned. >> stephen: you can't tell you what you learned from the dogs? can't say it on tv? is it rude? >> it's too precious. >> stephen: you don't want to give away the secrets? >> exactly. >> stephen: i want to know how they lick themselves. what is the secret? ( laughter ) let me play the devil's advocate. 40% of the nation looks like they may be voting for donald trump and they would say a country without borders is not a country. and they can say we can make a
able to protect our country by the spread of immigration by not being able to vet who's coming in here. what do you say about them making a movie about what disturbs them? >> you don't need a movie. it's a negative migration about what's happening between mexico and the united states. there is more people returning to mexico from the united states than people coming to the united states from mexico now. it's an issue that needs to be talked about. if we're criminalizing migration which is a natural phenomenon, which is why humans still exist on earth and, economically, the world needs this flow of people, you know, and we're criminalizing that natural flow of people so much that we're forcing them to be in the same hands of drug traffickers, in
whatever in the most base of society, you know, like very ostracized from society. and all the migrants are doing -- we all come from migrants. we are migrants, our kids will be migrants. ( applause ) the journey these people are doing is the most benign journey because they're trying to make their future better which means the future of humanity. >> stephen: you yourself still citizen, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and you have been given the challenge and honor to play zoro next. >> yes. >> stephen: that's like the mary poppins of mexico. ( laughter ) ( applause ) how is your z with a sword? is it good? >> it's good. but i think if they're looking from that side, i have to do it the other way. >> stephen: good luck. lovely to see you again. >> lovely to see you as well. >> stephen: "desierto" will be
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don't get me high anymore," ladies and gentlemen, phantogram! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? i don't like staying at home when the moon is bleeding red ? woke up stoned in the backseat from a dream ? where my teeth fell out of my head ? cut it up, cut it up, yeah everybody's on something here ? my god send chemical best friend skeleton whispering in my ear ? walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss
i wonder how far down it is ? nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ? used to take one now it takes four you don't get me high anymore ? runnin' through emergency rooms ? spinning wheels aei ? my handshake, cellophane, landscape, ? mannequin faking it the best i can ? cadillac, cadillac red no hands on the steering wheel ? i'm crashing this save-a-ho puppet show ? u.f.o. obliterate the way i feel ? walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss
i wonder how far down it is ? nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ? used to take one now it takes four you don't get me high anymore ? you don't get me high anymore you don't get me high anymore ? ? ? walk with me to the end stare with me into the abyss ? do you feel like letting go
? nothing is fun not like before you don't get me high anymore ? used to take one now it takes four you don't get me high anymore ? you don't get me high anymore you don't get me high anymore ? ? you don't get me high anymore you don't get me high anymore ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: their album, "three" is out october 7! phantogram, everybody!
sheriff paul babeu was headmaster at desisto school in massachusetts. a lot of things went down that probably shouldn't have. this isn't about abuse or neglect, because none of this was found. except these records show the state found it, students and parents testified about it, and a judge ordered it to stop. the cornering, the sheeting, i didn't know how to live and function as a normal human being. i'll end with that, thank you so much.