tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
with stephen colbert" is next. captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hay, diane lane thank you so much for being here. i want you to meet paul, one of my sprfersing producers. he will be producing your segment tonight. ♪ you, there's only you in my life ♪ >> stephen: did you just hear music is it. >> yeah, i heard it. hey, i should go. it's very nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you. >> stephen: diane, did the two of you just have a moment? >> no, that was nothing. i've been in so many romantic movies, that just happens
whenever i touch anything that i have some human emotion toward. watch. ♪ my there's only you in my life ♪ really, anything, check it out. ♪ there's only you in my life ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's incredible. well, shiprobably get ready for the show. diane, it's lovely to meet you. ( laughter ) really? >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes diane lane. aja naomi king. and comedian alingon mitra. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan
theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's up mark? that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) hey! thanks, everybody! nice to see you. thanks for being here welcome to "the late show." what a lovely audience. such a fantastic audience. i would like to smother you all in a lemon butter wine sauce. i just made that up.
i just totally made up that recipe. laugh welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. you're all looking very friday, thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) the thing is, we actually tape this thursday night, and as we speak right now, my understanding is hurricane matthew is making landfall in florida, and we just want to say we hope everybody down there stays safe, florida, georgia, on the carolina coast. if you haven't gotten out thereof, if you're in evacuation, please take the time to go. if not find a place, find some shelter, get some water, fill up your bath tub. please do stay safe. i mean that especially for my family down there. we love you. ( applause ) you know what it's like? you know what it's like it to worry about your folks down there when a hurricane is coming? there is another disaster happening this weekend. this sunday in st. louis, they're holding another presidential debate, trump vs. clinton! one on one! the kerblooie in saint louie! ( laughter )
and it is such a big event, that the debate will air live in movie theaters across the united states. yes, on the same weekend "birth of a nation" is opening in theaters, you can also watch what might be the death of one. ( laughter ) i just-- ( laughter ) i just hope it's in 3d. it will seem like the pandering is coming right at you. ( laughter ) the company that is doing this, the movie theaterries are offering the tickets for free. and according to the article, you can get a free soda with any popcorn purchase, and a company spokesperson said, "republicans and democrats will agree, this is a pretty sweet deal." wrong! republicans and democrats will never agree on anything. they won't confirm your popcorn, and they're going to filibuster the junior mints. and one of the things that hurt trump in the last debate is the fact that he offended some women by insulting their looks and others by complimenting their looks.
and this week, he was asked to defend all those comments. >> do you understand the concern from parents of younger girls, that some of the wording that you've used to talk about attractiveness or unattractiveness, might make it more difficult for girls who are struggling with their body image and the pressure to be model perfect? >> sure, i do. and, you know, a lot of this is done in the entertainment business. i'm being interviewed for "apprentice," long before i ever thought in terms of running for office, obviously. so this was really something that i just decided to do, but a lot of that was done for the purpose of entertainment. >> stephen: see, women? he wasn't demeaning and degrading you. he was demeaning and degrading you for entertainment. ( laughter ) because he found it amusing. and if women don't like it, they can find their own form of entertainment. maybe, i don't know, voting against donald trump this november. ( cheers and applause ) just for fun. just for fun. i don't know. i can't think of anything more
entertaining than watching him give a concession speech. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that-- that in a movie theater week pretty fun. now, recently it came out that trump worked with the gold standard in objectifying women for entertainment: "playboy." first, buzzfeed dug up a "playboy" video from 2000 of trump welcoming playmates to new york by pouring champagne on a limo. that is the closest he will ever come to filling his own gas tank. and just a few days later, cnn unearthed another old "playboy" video featuring trump photographing and interviewing a model. evidently, she performed well in the interview but was not selected to be his next wife. ( laughter ) this bombshell of trump hanging out with bombshells comes from a 1994 vhs tape titled "playboy centerfold," that was obtained by something called "cnn's
kfile." well, this is impressive investigative journalism blew me away and i had to know more. so joining me now, is the reporter responsible for this scoop, cnn's kfile. >> what's up, stephen. k-file, thanks so much for being here it's me, kevin fileman-- a.k.a. k-file! >> stephen: thank you for joining us, kevin. >> it's k-file. >> stephen: okay, k-file, how did you acquire this explosive 1994 "playboy" videotape? >> yeah, if i remember right, i got it from my older brother dave, right, who in turn stole it from his friend's dad, who had had it hidden in the vhs sleeve for "robocop." >> stephen: fascinating. can we expect any more big revelations like this? >> oh, yeah. i've got a whole box of big revelations stashed under my bed. yeah, i got "big revelations 1," i got "big revelations 2," "big
revelations 3"-- in this one, they're in outer space for some reason. >> stephen: have you uncovered anything else about donald trump in your investigations? >> not yet, but i'm still going through dave's old hustlers and butt mags. dave, you are sick, bro. >> stephen: cnn's kfile, everybody. great work kfile. nantasket. folks, we have a great show for you tonight. diane lane is here. and when we return, we will hear the latest proclamations from a certain furry hat. stick around! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) emerge restored. fortified. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday?
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. lovely people. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: absolutely lovely people. thank you so much. give it up for jon batiste and stay human, esh. ( applause ) >> stephen: every person to sit in this chair, the first thing they say to me is i can't believe how good that band is over there. >> jon: that's nice. >> stephen: fantastic. >> jon: we're working on it. >> stephen: you're working on it. >> jon: every day. >> stephen: i'm working on it every day, too. >> jon: i see you over there and over here. >> stephen: that's good you're watching the show. it's a pretty good show sometimes. >> jon: i'm there every day. >> stephen: i can feel you. >> jon: i'm behind you. you're a bad dude. you're putting the truth out there. >> stephen: wow, that's a great compliment.
i'm a bad dude. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i'm a bad man. >> jon: you're a bad, bad, mother shut your mouth. >> stephen: i'm just talking about shaft. >> jon: yay, yay! >> stephen: thanks very much. as the host of a talk show, as you can tell, i'm in the position of enormous power. and yet, there are those even more powerful than i. history's most ferocious despots, like genghis khan, kim jon-il, and angelina jolie. all of us have two things in common: we're not talking to brad right now, and a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
now that this hat has descended upon my head, any and all proclamations i make while so en-hatted are now and forever law. let us begin. henceforth, the proper response to "how are you doing?" is not "how are you?" someone must answer the damn question. ( laughter ) from this day forward, all wedding receptions shall have bands. d.j.s are reserved for funerals. ( laughter ) on halloween, hobo is not a costume. it is a sign of our shrinking middle class. ( laughter ) effective immediately,
sweatpants must be given an accurate name, the "i will never exercise in these pants" pants. ( laughter ) ( applause ) let this be carved in stone-- white guys can't have dreadlocks unless they are stranded on a desert island. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) from this day forward, any raccoon that gets into my garbage must separate my recyclables. ( laughter ) anyone who breaks a pinky swear shall lose both pinkies. ( laughter ) that was a long trip from over here to way over there. that was a long one. hold on. ( laughter ) advertisers must stop using my google searches to generate banner ads for me.
i do not need a reminder that i spent all night googling homemade beef jerky. ( laughter ) baristas shall stop making cute foam designs in customers' cappucinos. some of us are late for work and don't want to drink a leaf. ( laughter ) if your suitcase at an airport luggage carousel is the last one to come out, you get to keep the first suitcase from the next flight. ( laughter ) henceforth, white tank-top t-shirts will no longer be called "wife-beaters." they shall be called "divorced guy mustard catchers." ( laughter ) the hat has spoken! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with diane lane. ♪ ♪ ♪ power, power to the lord ♪
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>> stephen: oh, folks. welcome back. my guest tonight first appeared in "the cherry orchard "at lincoln theater when he was 12 years old. please welcome, diane lane! >> thank you! o fun. thank you for that. >> stephen: so, at 12 years old, you were in the "the cherry orchard." >> that's true. >> stephen: i understand with meryl streep. >> yes! she hadn't even made a film yet. well, that's not true. we got to see her debut while we were working together. it was a small role with jane fonda in "julia." i think jane slapped her in the bar, and everybody wondered, "who was that blond?" and a career was born.
>> stephen: at age 12 did you say to yourself, yeah, she's pretty good?" >> she was standing in the ring watching ireney worth, and merrill was playing the maid, and it was just an amazing time. she let me play in her makeup bag. she was a very sweet, kind, actress to me, a little kid, punk kid. >> stephen: so if you're at lincoln center at age 12, when are you starting? how old are you when you are doing your first plays? >> i was six. i had no front teeth, but i still got the job. i played maddia's child. >> stephen: maddia kills her children. spoil alert, she kills her children to get back at jason. >> yes. >> stephen: so did you have to be dead on stage? >> yes! and i had to do it very believably, because people are looking to see if your chest rises and falls once you're dead. >> stephen: highway did you do that? >> you know this story. >> stephen: no! >> oh, my gosh. it's pretty embarrassing and i'm make the short version.
but i peed myself. i mean, it's been in "time "magazine. the story is pretty old. >> stephen: i missed that issue. >> good for you. it was a 1979 issue. i go way back. i'm going to come out in my walker next type. >> stephen: you're six years old and you just couldn't hold it anymore? >> pretty much. nobody told me about going to the bathroom before the show. i learned everything the hard way. ( laughter ). >> stephen: and you went back the next night, though? >> they let me back. ive the only one that knew the greek word. they couldn't recast. >> stephen: you did it in greek? >> yes. the urip disease text. ( speaking greek ) i don't know what i just said. i think it was "please don't kill me, mommy." >> stephen: work that was. i don't know what it was, but you seemed really passionate. >> it's brand in my brain. >> stephen: as soon as you got into the greek? >> do you speak any languages? ( speaking french."
>> camah bear. >> stephen: coissant. >> stephen: who knows. now, you're in "the cherry orchard" again on broadway at the american airlines theatre. >> i'm on broadway! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: come on! you were at lincoln center when you were 12. this is old hat for you. >> but four tony winners associated with this production. i'm surrounded by such talent and such grace. i'm so delighted to be among the people. i'm the poster girl, yes, it's true. i'm pinching myself. i really am. i'm kind of nervous. we're in previews. >> stephen: you're in previews right now. it's going to be fine. >> what happens surehearse in the day, you change it a little, and then you test it out in front of 750 people that night and see how it goes. they don't like it, change it again. >> stephen: another one tomorrow. it's like kleenex in a box. it doesn't matter. there's always another one. >> it's a marathon. >> stephen: chekhov wrote this in 1904, i think. what does chekhov say to us now?
how can we possibly in our modern lives relate to a man writing about a fading aristocracy trying to cling to their wealth while a proletearate is trying to rise up in revolution. what could we possibly-- >> the 1%? >> stephen: how could we relate to the 1% and their country estates? >> i agree. the question answers itself. >> stephen: what does chekhov have to say to us now? >> well, it's history repeating itself endlessly, and we always seem to be open to learning and relearning from actually the truth that is in our parent i don't know-- and thank god for your art every night where we get a lot of truth, stephen. thank you for that. >> stephen: that's very nice of you to say. >> no, it's true. >> stephen: you know, wooy try ditch things. if it doesn't work we try it again another night. i never blame the writers. >> you give them the credit. >> stephen: not that, either. it's all me, baby. it's all me. >> that's what i say. >> stephen: you just improvise it every night. >> yeah, i made it up.
>> stephen: you're rehearsing the "the cherry orchard" at the same time you're shooting "justice league" right? >> yeah, that happened. >> stephen: did you ever cross over and-- >> yes! >> stephen: call clark kent one of the proletearate or peasant. how do you play martha kent during the day and go back to your trailer and get ready for the "the cherry orchard"? >> it was almost a cliche of an actor prepares-- not, in parentheses. because i'm in my trailer in london. i had just left rehearsals, had to go right back to rehearsals. so i'm jet lagged and my brain is desperately trying on learn chekhov. >> stephen: the the rehearsals for? >> rehearsals for the play. showing up in london to be martha kent again and reunited with all my beloveds on that film. and, you know, a small gig. aah! nervous about that, too. want to do it well. no hereversal on tajust show up. >> stephen: real, no rehearsal on that film? >> not enough for me. i could have done with a little
more in hindsight. now that we've done it can i go back and dog do it again-- whatever. story of my life. i'm in my trailer and running the lines with some sweet young woman who i paid hourly to come and run lines any spare moment i had. >> stephen: what a great gig for her. >> yes, very sweet. but outside the trailer i'm hearing-- first of all, the amount of trailers on that movie it was like an r.v. lot. we actually had an airplane runway. that's what we were using if our parking lot of what's called base camp for all the actors. >> stephen: literally, an airport runway. >> yes. >> stephen: where were the planes landing? >> it was a retired runway. >> stephen: just wanted to make sure. >> yes, yes, i'm glad for that. anyway outside the trailer i'm hearing this noise. death metal. i don't know what that is. >> stephen: that was a very good imitation of death metal by the way. you have a great fallback career. >> no punk, no punk rock per me. sorry, guys. >> stephen: tonight "slaughterhouse" is not
available. instead, please welcome diane lane. >> oh, my god! >> stephen: go ahead, sorry. >> jason, he is our aqua man. i didn't get to meet him but i heard him out in my trailer getting ready for his scene. that's how he was preparing. i'm inside trying to say, "save the cherry orchard!" and learn my lines for chekhov, and out the window i'm hearing this death metal while he's getting ready to do whatever he does in the film, which i can't wait to see him do. >> stephen: i think he wares a lot of swim trunks. >> he's handsome. >> stephen: oh, yeah, sure! well, you're beautiful. >> well, thank you. >> stephen: you guys-- that was a very sexy little trailer lot you had there. ( laughter ) so, you said you get to do, like, a scene once on a movie. and then that's it. like, you don't get to rehearse it again pup don't get to do it again? >> well, you get get more takes hopefully. >> stephen: but it's not your call for another take.
the director goes, "i got the take and we're moving "o." >> pretty much. and if i ask for another take i'm worse than if i hadn't asked for it. it seems that way. >> stephen: that was one of the shocking things for me when i moved to tv. i started off in chicago in chicago. >> that's right. >> stephen: i came to tv and the first time i shot a television show we shot the scene and they said, "moving on." and i realized i had to get it right the first time. >> that's all you get. >> stephen: and not only is that the only time i get to do it but more people will see that thing i just did than ever saw me in every stage production i ever did. >> dang! >> stephen: no pressure. >> no prec there. smoke coming out of your ear s. >> stephen: is there something you have done-- you have condition so many great performances -- is there something you say let me take another chop at that movie again. >> i want to go back it if xwork with the dog again. >> stephen: reilly. isn't she beautiful? >> yes. >> stephen: that is not acting. she is actually the dog of my
producer paul. >> hois a very nice man, too. >> stephen: he's a very nice man. he's not as nice as reilly is, though. >> i don't have an answer for you, so i was stalling by throwing reilly in there as far as going back and taking another whack. >> stephen: you don't want to take another whack at anything? >> i'm glad i do have as many opportunities to do this play, i will focus on it that. having a live show means you get another chance at it, and it is a living thing, like wine. it's not cut and dried in a can. you know, it's fresh. breathing -- >> canned wine! >> hmmm... i'm such a creative person, aren't i. >> stephen: wine and cut and dried in a can. i thought i'd point that out. you have done a lot of plays before. >> yes. >> stephen: has does it change wildly from the opening night to the last night? >> yes. >> stephen: or does the director come back in and chak the whip and say, "hey, hey, why does your character suddenly have a scottish accent?" >> for me, i do everything opening night and then i realize
the show is locked and we can't make any more changes. that doesn't we don't have 90 more msm ans to go. for me i'm deeg with opening night. >> stephen: when is opening night. >> october 16, but who is counting. >> stephen: "the cherry orchard" will open on broadway at the american airlines theatre and starting october 16, running through scm december 4. you're going to want to see it especially if you're one of the 1% who lives on the country state in russia. diane lane, everybody! we'll be right back with aja naomi king. thank you so much. ♪ ♪n' ( applause ) starting at $9.99! endless combinations of your favorite pastas, sauces and toppings. now including chicken alfredo. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. it's all never ending, but only for a limited time. at olive garden. ["diggy" by ♪ ncer ludwig]
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welcome back! you know my next guest from "how to get away with murder." she now stars in the powerful drama, "the birth of a nation." please welcome aja naomi king. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, i agree. >> they're great! >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> it's a pleasure to be here. thanks for having me. >> stephen: that's a beautiful top you have on there. >> thank you, jonathan simki. >> stephen: i would have said. you'r>> you're up with it. you know what's going on. >> stephen: before we get started, happy fall. and i understand you had an exciting summer. you did something with your father that will live with you for the rest of your life. what is this thing that happened to you again? >> my dad and i were very close and we actually hiked part of
the pacific crest trail. >> stephen: that's like 1,000 miles, right? >> yes. we didn't do 1,000 miles. we did about 80 miles from the border of mexico and up to julian. so that's, like, 80 miles. we did 80 miles. >> stephen: the desert, right. >> in desert, mountains. >> stephen: it felt like 1,000 miles, i bet. >> it definitely felt like 1,000 miles. >> stephen: snakes and. >> snakes and my father thought at one point he heard a mountain lion and decided not on tell me about it. the next day he was like yeah, i didn't want you to go there but i was pretty sure i heard a mountain lion but in case it wasn't, i didn't want to freak you out. >> stephen: how would your father know what a mountain lion sound like? >> he's a pretty cool guy. he knows this stuff. >> stephen: no troubles out there? >> everything was going great, and our last kay, our last kay of hiking we had about 14 miles to go and we were going to be at julian, but at about mile 10 we
ran out of water. >> stephen: that's not good. >> no, it was not good. >> stephen: you need that to live, aja. >> yeah. i am-- i am fairly aware. and it was-- it was pretty tight the whole day. so by 10 miles, when we ran out, my father was-- he's going to kill me-- he was struggling just a little bit. and he actually-- he turned to me and said, "go ahead without me. get to the highway. stop a car, and get some water." >> stephen: oh, my god. >> and bring it back. >> stephen: leave me to the mountain lions. >> leave me here to the mountain lions. >> stephen: did you? did you make it to the highway? >> yeah, i just took off running through the desert. >> stephen: just randoply through the desert? >> yes, by myself. >> stephen: that seems like terrible advice. >> with, like, my pack and my trekking poles in my hand still, racing through the desert to get to the highway. and i tried to also call my sister and i had, like, 5% battery left on my phone. >> stephen: good lord. 5% battery left on the phone.
the pioneers had 5% left. that's what happened to the donder party. >> my schanel, said i'm like an hour away. i said,"daddy told me to go on without him. we ran out of water." >> stephen: she called for you? >> she calls my mom. my mom calls the police. the police call the fire department. so i want to say my father's totally fine. and. ( cheers and applause ) and a car-- a car on the highway did stop and he gave me a huge bottle of cold, red powerade, this angel of a man, and i did take it back to my dad. and about an hour after that as we saw the helicopters circling the area where we were, my father looked at me and says, "all i told you to do was go and get some water." ( laughter ) >> stephen: it has a happy ending. >> happy ending. >> stephen: and sponsored by
powerade, good. you're on the great show "how to get away with murder." my question for you is you have learned finally how to get away with murder like do you actually know some things about how to get away with murder that the rest of us don't right now? >> it would be really difficult to get away with murder i realized. being on the show, i learned that's not quite right. there would be fingerprint. you could ping our cell phones. we're definitely going to get caught in this moment i think. >> stephen: one way would be to lead an old man into the desert and leave him there. >> exactly! >> stephen: just advice. >> i mean, the p.c.t. is a place -- >> now you're in an incredibly powerful movie, "birth of a nation," which strangely, actually, takes its name from another movie. what did you think when you heard that they were making can "birth of a nation" when you first heard that title? >> at first i thought they were trying to make, like, a sequel. and i was extremely confused. >> stephen: the first-- because the first one say heroic
look at the ku klux klan. big, bold choice. >> it would be like, i don't know how i'd look in a white hood. >> stephen: exactly, exactly. and they're not going to make that movie-- no one is ever going to make that movie unless trump wins. >> exactly. but when i did see that it was actually going to be about nat turner's slave rebellion in 1831, i thought, oh, wow, a story about the true-- like the true story of black people in this country and the way we fought back, amazing. >> stephen: did you know much about that uprising before you did the movie? >> i'm very embarrassed to say that i did not. i didn't know a lot about it. and i got to do a the love great research, though, and i found out so much, especially about the woman that i play, cherry. it's really interesting -- >> she's nat turner's wife, right? >> she's nat turner we's wife, and there was an account in the
richmond constitutional wig printed in 1831, and it's a piece of evidence that says, "i have in my position some papers that i got off nat turner's wife, cherry, by the lash." yeah! >> stephen: that's what it says in the newspaper that this person got documents by whipping the character you are playing. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: it must be an incredibly powerful thing to try to inhabit a character like that and understand what they're going through in this day and age. >> it is powerful, and it's an honor, you know, to be able to breathe life into her again because, you know, she existed. she was real, and she went through this, and stepping into that, even though it was a very intense experience, i'm just really grateful that i had the opportunity to do it. >> stephen: well, we have a clip here. and this is you talking to nat turner, and you need to set this up in any way? >> all i can say is at this point, the rebellion has happened. and, you know, a lot of people are being killed in the process of trying to find nat turner, who has escaped capture.
and we believe that there might have been a moment where she had an opportunity to kind of see him for one last time. >> stephen: jim. >> any word on the the other man? >> they've been hanged. all of them. they killed people everywhere for no reason at all but being black. hay say the killing won't stop till they get you. >> stephen: as i said, it's an incredibly powerful movie. thank you for that performance, and thank you for this incredible opportunity for all of us to learn something about america's past. in a heartbreaking but beautiful way. it was lovely to meet you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: of >> stephen: "the birth of a nation" opens today. aja naomi king, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian alingon mitra.
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it instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right. narrator: it wasn't that long ago. years of devastating cutbacks to our schools. 30,000 teachers laid off. class sizes increased. art and music programs cut. we can't ever go back. ryan ruelas: so vote yes on proposition 55. reagan duncan: prop 55 prevents 4 billion in new cuts to our schools. letty muñoz-gonzalez: simply by maintaining the current tax rate on the wealthiest californians. ryan ruelas: no new education cuts,
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. >> stephen: my next guest has been a writer for "adam ruins everything" and "the daily show." please welcome alingon mitra! ( applause ) >> thank you guys so much. i'm feeling great. i'm feeling great. i just quit drinking. okay, thank you for your support, thank you. i didn't really. i didn't really quit. this is what i did. i cut down. i decided i'm only going to drink if it's a holiday or somebody's birthday... on facebook. ( laughter ) i got a drink with this election. i'm scared people keep dismissing truck. like last year, there were people who were like, "you guys, there's no way trump is going to be the nominee." and this year, there are people who are like, "you guys, there's
no way trump is going to be president." i feel like next year people are going to be like, "you guys, there's no way trump is going to be supreme overlord." ( laughter ) people are like, "oh, so you love hillary. look, you can be anti-trump and not pro-hillary. like, just because i hate diarrhea, doesn't mean i love constipation. lauz this is how unlikable hillary is. trump said the most vile stuff about latinos, and she still had to pick a vice president who speaks spanish. trump literally said, "mexicans are rapists," and there were still latinos out there who were like, "no quiero hillary."
( laughter ) it's crazy to me that there are people are going to vote for somebody because they are not a politician. "you know what i like about this guy? not a politician." yeah, but that's the job. no other situation would you be comfortable. united states never be like, oh, my god. i'm on trial for my life, but you know what i love about my lawyer? not a lawyer." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) you get on a plane, the pilot comes on, "welcome to flight 242. i have, uhh, never done this before, but this is what the people wanted. so please put up your tray tables. or don't. it doesn't matter. pilots always have that voice. but growing up, i'd never hear that voice.
i'd hear indian accents. but never on a plane, because if you heard that-- "uh, welcome to flight 242"-- white people would freak out. they'd be like, "red alert! he's in the cockpit already!" ( laughter ) people-- people think i look suspicious on a plane. so i will actively do things to not look suspicious, which in and of itself, highly suspicious. like, i'll smile the whole time, turn to the person next to me, and be like, "boy, i hope they're serving alcohol and pork on this." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) all kinds of people on the plane. i met somebody the other day from stockholm, and i was like, "stockholm, that's the capital of sweden." he was like, "ya." but how american of me to be
like, "no, you should be impressed. ( laughter ) i know your capital." but if anyone from sweden ever did that to an american? "america? your capital is washington d.c." we'd be like, "are you serious right now? i'm pretty sure it's new york." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i live in new york now. my roommate has a white noise machine to help him sleep. it just goes, "shhhhh." i think the reason it's called a white noise machine is that's the sound white people make when minorities bring up issues ( laughter ) ( applause )
black people are like, "we're getting shot!" shhh. mexicans are like, "this isn't a fair wage!" shhh. chinese people are like, "we're actually japanese." shhh. ( laughter ) trying to be positive, though. i started reading positive quotes on instagram. i read one that said, "shoot for the moon. even if you fail, you land amongst the stars." which is really beautiful and uplifting if you don't know science. ( applause ) because the stars are trillions of times farther away than the moon. so, really, the quote should be, "shoot for the stars. even if you fail, you won't realize because you'll have suffocated from the lack of
oxygen. peep say things they don't realize all the time. i went to a restaurant with a foodie and he explained the food to me. and he was like, "this is tandoori chicken. it's made in a tandoor." i was like, "yeah, i know. i was made in a tandoor." you don't have to explain it. he was like, "i'm so sorry. why don't you explain it to me?" i was like, "okay, obviously, i don't actually know." but it this happens all the time. and i was complaining to my white friend about this, and he was like, "shhh." ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you guys. >> stephen: you can see him at the comedy cellar here in new york city. alingon mitra, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) they prey on our children, spending billions.
addicting 17,000 california kids each year. eventually killing one-third of them. now tobacco companies are spending millions to... defeat prop 56. because in every state that's raised tobacco taxes, smoking rates go down. so who are you going to trust? pediatricians, cancer groups and the califronia pta who all... support prop 56. or the tobacco companies trying to kill it.