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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 24, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> happy thanksgiving! captioning sponsored by cbs >> the cubs are going to the world series! yes, after 71 years of waiting, the cubbies have won the pennant and are facing off against the cleveland indians starting tuesday night. all thanks to a strong pitching rotation, hot cubs bats and the dark assistance of azmalor, the evil wizard who manager joe madden signed a blood compact with in exchange for a world series win. and the windy city is buzzing over the possibility that he might fulfill his dark prophecy and bring the cubs their first world series victory in more than 100 years. the cubs are favored in their match-up against the indians, thanks to their young, hungry lineup, as well as an ancient wizard who the elders in the village claim is as old as the
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stars themselves, and who can also take the form of a stag, a beautiful young maiden or even cubs g.m. jed hoyer. so tune in tuesday night and see if azmalor delivers on his promise that, yes, you will have your golden rings, trinkets all, but at a price you cannot fathom. ha-ha, ha-ha! go, cubs, go, and all hail azmalor! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes tom hanks! and adam conover! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: grand slam! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hey! welcome to "the late show" everybody. so glad you're here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. and i've got to say, i am in a fantastic mood, because the chicago cubs are going to the world series, ladies and gentlemen! ( cheers and applause ) that's right. the world cup of baseball! and the cubs, the cubs are playing another lovable loser, the cleveland indians. now, the two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. to put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels. ( laughter and applause ) ( piano riff )
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now, the last time the chicago cubs were in the world series was in 1945, way back when they played hitler. ( laughter ) yeah. yeah. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) he's pretty good in the early game, then he popped out in the ninth inning, and that's how america won world war ii. yeah. that's the truth. you won't find that in a history book, though. >> jon: that's right, no. >> stephen: cleveland, on the other hand, hasn't won a world series since 1948, back when their mascot, chief wahoo, was the least-racist thing about america. ( laughter ) golden age. speaking of single-minded, century-long quests for victory at all costs, hillary clinton's in the news. ( laughter ) it's been a long time coming. ( cheers ) she's been very patient. she's been very patient. ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) as a native chicagoan, she's a lifelong cubs fan.
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in fact, this picture of her reacting to the cubs went viral over the weekend. she has not been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons. ( laughter ) it's really a feel-good story-- a chicagoan excited about the cubs win! ...is what hillary clinton wants you to believe! ( laughter ) because back in 2000, she wore a yankees cap! yeah! yeah! ( audience booing ) yeah, it's a baseball fandom scandal i'm calling, yank-ghazi! ♪ ♪ yeah. and this time-- i was afraid the graphic wasn't coming up. ( laughter ) and this time, i'm not alone, folks, because the media has been digging into this very important story. in fact, cnn is reporting that even though clinton "may have gone to cubs games with her father as a kid, but after leaving illinois, and around the
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time she ran for senate in new york, the former first lady touted her love for the new york yankees." oh, how convenient. as a ten-year-old she wears a cubs hat. a mere 40 years later, she's in a yankees hat. ( laughter ) i mean, is there no hat she won't wear? okay, there's one hat. okay, there's one hat. okay, there's one. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's one she won't put on. >> stephen: i say we keep a close eye on her during the world series. we know she won't be rooting for the yankees because they already lost. at this point, that's like voting for donald trump. ( cheering ) but no matter-- ( cheers and applause ) but no matter what happens to the cubs, hillary clinton is already the winner, because she's decided to stop talking about donald trump, explaining, "i debated him for four and a half hours. i don't even think about responding to him anymore."
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yes, hillary says she's not giving any thought to what donald trump says. so that makes both of them now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) trump clearly feeds on attention, so this might work. by denying it to him, we can starve him out. so i pledge, i pledge right now, i will spend the rest of the monologue not talking about donald trump. okay? ( cheers and applause ) here we go, here we go. so, magnificent fall weather this weekend. >> jon: yes, that's right. >> stephen: beautiful. the leaves are changing color. there is a maple tree in my front yard that turned bright orange, that-- nope, okay. no, you can do this. you can do this. you can do this. let's see-- halloween is coming up.
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everyone's looking for a jack o'lantern-- damn it. ( laughter ) okay, don't give up, don't give up. okay, never mind. ( bleep ) donald trump-- ( applause ) he gave-- this weekend, he gave a speech in gettysburg, the actual battlefield where the union turned the tide against the confederacy. i guess trump feels a kinship with lost causes that will haunt our country for generations. now trump, trump started strong, with all the gravity of this sacred ground. >> president lincoln served in a time of division like we have never seen before. it is my hope that we can look at his example to heal the divisions we are living through right now. we are a very divided nation. >> stephen: it's true. america is divided between those
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who think trump will lose because the election's rigged, and those who think he'll lose because it is not. ( cheers and applause ) and-- and to his credit, donald trump stayed focused on his message of uniting the country, for about 45 seconds. and then this: >> every woman lied when they came forward to hurt my campaign. total fabrication. all of these liars will be sued after the election is over. >> stephen: yes, he will take all of these women to court, but at least when he's swearing in, they'll know where his hands are. ( cheers and applause ) and trump continued to unite this nation by making us choose sides.
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>> the dishonest mainstream media is also part, and a major part, of this corruption. they lie and fabricate stories to make a candidate that is not their preferred choice look as bad and even dangerous as possible. >> stephen: it's true, the media is making trump look bad. for instance, they reported this speech. ( cheers and applause ) of course-- it took a second. got to let it sink in. got to let it sink in. and, of course, he also played his greatest hits, putting a new spin on this campaign classic. >> remember, i said mexico is paying for the wall, with the full understanding that the country of mexico will be reimbursing the united states for the full cost of such a wall. okay? >> stephen: what?! ( laughter )
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"reimburse" us for the wall? you clearly said mexico would pay for the wall! paying for something is very different than reimbursing. you can't take a date out for dinner, make her pay, and then say, "just send me an invoice." ( laughter ) or maybe you can. i can't believe-- ( cheers and applause ) i can't believe that he would go to gettysburg and give a speech that was so far from the spirit of the gettyburg address. it is-- it is just ridiculous! >> well, that's not true, stephen. >> stephen: ghost of abraham lincoln, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> hello! hello, everyone! >> stephen: thank you for being here, mr. ghost lincoln! >> my pleasure, stephen. good to see you. >> stephen: always good to see you, sir. abe, were you shocked by trump's speech at gettysburg? >> no, it reminded me of my address. >> stephen: sir, they were nothing alike. >> that's because no one ever heard the first draft of my
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gettysburg address. my advisors made me tone it down. would you like to hear some of it? >> stephen: of course! would you like to hear it, ladies and gentlemen? ( cheers and applause ) okay, well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, the rough draft of the gettysburg address. >> four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that i did not proposition those women. they're liars! i mean, just look at them. they wouldn't be my first choice. and when i said, "grab them by the petticoat," that was merely log cabin talk! i will sue those lying jezebels into the ground! the consecrated ground in which our brave soldiers now lie. sad! that's why we resolve that this nation, under god, shall make america great again, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth... if i win.
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otherwise, the whole civil war is rigged. jefferson davis is a bad hombre! lock him up! lock him up! lock him up! >> stephen: ghost abraham lincoln, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much, sir, thank you so much for being here! stick around! we've got a great show for you tonight! tom hanks is here! >> oh, he's good! >> stephen: and when we return he's going to reprise the role that made him famous. we'll be right back! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) the first place to stop and the best place to shop is kohl's black friday. stores open thursday at 6pm with incredible black friday doorbusters. get the playstation 4 or a 49 inch 4k hd tv for just $249.99. get $4.99 after rebate kitchen electrics. the fitbit alta is $99.99
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heavy, labored breathing heavy, labored breathing coughing breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask breathing through oxygen mask covered california. it's more than just health care. it's life care. >> come on, where is it? where is that? ( cheers and applause ) i don't get it. ( cheers and applause )
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that old gypsy woman said it would be somewhere. what about-- ( cheers and applause ) zoltar. zoltar! i've finally found you again! well, come on... zoltar? zoltar! yes, yes! oh, jeez! >> stephen: yes! the all-knowing zoltar remembers you well! i want to say... tim something? ( laughter ) >> tom. tom, tom hanks. >> stephen: yes. we worked on that movie together.
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"the santa clause." >> no, it was "big!" >> stephen: right. ( cheers and applause ) right. wait, who's in "the santa clause?" >> well, that is tim allen. >> stephen: you're not him? >> no! >> stephen: okay. okay, no need to yell at zoltar. what can the all-knowing one do for you? >> well, zoltar, last time we met, i was a 13-year-old boy who wanted to be older. so you granted my wish, and i woke up the next morning as a 30-year-old man. and i need you to do that again, please. ( laughter ) >> stephen: your wish is to be 17 years older? >> no! no, no, no! no. i want you to turn me 30-years- old again! >> stephen: but don't you remember the heart-warming lesson you learned last time? >> yeah.
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i learned that being older isn't always what it's cracked up to be. ( laughter ) a lesson i'm constantly learning, every day at my age! ( cheers and applause ) just yesterday, i tried to jump on one of those big floor pianos, and do a dance-- i swear i heard my hip snap. so, come on, come on, make me 30 again, make me 30! >> stephen: okay, what's in it for zoltar? >> oh, yeah, right. let's see, i think i've got some change. there you go, 25 cents. >> stephen: seriously, a quarter? zoltar requires your eternal soul. >> i can't do that. >> stephen: why not? >> i sold it to raise money for "that thing you do." >> stephen: oh, really? under-rated film. >> thank you, thank you. you know, it was charlize theron's second job.
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>> stephen: really, wow. that's amazing. >> i cast her, you know. i saw something in her. >> stephen: oh, yes, absolutely. amazing. tim allen is great in that. >> oh, no, he's not-- i'm in that. >> stephen: i thought you were the guy from "toy story?" >> i am. tim's in "toy story," too. >> stephen: "toy story 2?" i thought you were both in all three of them. ( laughter ) >> we are. >> stephen: you see why zoltar's confused, right? >> who's on first! >> stephen: look-- >> who's on first? okay, never mind. >> stephen: look, look, look-- >> classic comedy, i'm just saying. >> stephen: who's the eternal one here? >> all right, sorry. >> stephen: look, if your soul is off the table, there is one other thing that would please zoltar. >> sure, anything. >> stephen: will you read my screenplay? ( laughter ) >> oh, you have a screenplay? what's it about? >> stephen: it's about a carnival fortune-telling machine-- kind of an everyman. after he gets dumped by his fiancee, he goes on a road trip to find her but ends up finding... himself.
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>> well, i kind of feel like i've seen that one before. and sorry, but i'm not interested in playing a fortune telling machine. >> stephen: you fool! you're way too old to play me. i was hoping you could get this to colin hanks. >> really? there you go. >> stephen: i-- i can't find the slot. sorry. >> boing. all right, fine. fine, i'll take it. fine, okay. ( cheers and applause ) just, can you please just make me 30 again? >> stephen: your wish is granted. you shall wake up tomorrow and be 30. >> awesome! all right, now, that means tonight is my last chance to see "inferno" with a senior discount! bye, zoltar! >> stephen: bye tim! we'll be right back with tom hanks! oh, he's good! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and "stay human"! give it up for the band, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) well, folks, my first guest tonight is an oscar-winner, but more importantly, he's tom hanks. please welcome tom hanks! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> can i borrow your pen? >> stephen: working on a new project over there? >> yeah, just working on this thing a little bit. this ain't gonna work, that ain't gonna work. ( laughs ) just changing this. and, just-- if you don't mind, i know this might affect the budget-- a great way to start
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any film is with "exterior hawaii beach." ( laughter ) you know, that's not a bad start. funny jokes, call-backs. by the way, jon batiste and the vamp kings! they, they played for like-- >> stephen: yeah. you had to play for about 20 minutes there. ( cheers and applause ) >> you had a drum solo, and-- >> stephen: well, tom hanks, you are the man from whom we all learned, there's no crying in baseball. >> ah, okay. >> stephen: okay? >> yeah, that's true. there's going to be. there's going to be. >> stephen: world series, world series. there's some cheering right now, both towns-- >> okay, now, listen, you can all stick your pins in me right now, and i know the entire world and three-legged dogs and orphan children are all rooting for the chicago cubs, i realize that. ( cheers ) but you do not do three long, hot summers doing shakespeare in cleveland, blowing time, watching the cleveland indians play at a park that i swear was called, at the time, cleveland municipal lakefront stadium.
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it wasn't like petco park or the dunkin' donuts field, or something. cleveland municipal lakefront stadium. holds 90,000 people. i would be there on a given night with 4,800-- ( laughter ) watching "sudden," sid monge, andre "thunder" thornton, #21 mike "the human rain delay" hargrove. so i'm going to tell you right now, yeah, cubs, great. i'm rooting for the cleveland indians to win the world series. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry. >> stephen: fair enough. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: fair enough. >> i'm sorry. now, listen north side boy, you little denizen of wrigleyville-- i get your-- >> stephen: i actually lived on addison. i actually lived two blocks away. >> oh, right there! sheffield, waveland, addison! >> stephen: spent my 30th birthday there. >> oh, shut up. who cares? ( laughter ) look, i want-- i want the tribe to win, but here's what i will accept, all right?
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i will accept this: the seventh game-- in cleveland, by the way-- deciding game, bottom of the ninth, cleveland is up. larry doby, the ghost of larry doby is on deck. the ghost of rocky colavito is in the batters box. who do you want to pitch for your cubs? give me a name. who's your great relief pitcher? >> stephen: ah, i don't know, who is the greatest relief pitcher for the cubs? >> oh, aren't you a fan. >> stephen: what? who? >> audience: chapman. >> stephen: chapman. >> okay, chapman is there. like he knew. ( laughter ) >> stephen: come on, first base is mark grace, third base is ronno, outfield is john dustin. >> all right, all right, fine! >> stephen: don't give me that! >> this is what i want-- low- hanging curve of the-- score is tied, by the way, all right? >> stephen: what-what, 20-20? >> okay, exactly, it's 20-20, going, it's been a great game, by the way. it has lasted six and a half hours. in to rocky colavito, long, long fly to left center. hanging up there, is the wind
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blowing out? it might be. is it going to go out? who's circling under the wall and might catch it? >> stephen: the ghost of shawon dunston, but he's not dead. >> all right, excellent, fine. >> stephen: but he's not dead! >> all right, some legendary cub is out there, thinking "is it going to go in, is it going to go out? is it going to go in? who's going to win the game?" armageddon. four horsemen of the apocalypse, earthquakes, lightning, toads raining down, god brings the world to an end because he can't quite root for whichever team. i will accept that ending to the world series, short of a cleveland indians victory. >> stephen: nothing short of that. >> and by the way, stick your pins in me now, send me the hate mail, go on twitter, i know, i'm rooting against the cubs. >> stephen: and you actually probably get mail, as opposed to email. >> i do, yes. i'll get mail. >> stephen: i don't mean that as an insult. i don't mean that as an insult. >> i'll get mail. >> stephen: and you also, do you know, some say that's the greatest tom hanks movie of all time, "you've got mail." ( cheers and applause )
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>> nora ephron, fabulous meg ryan. >> stephen: i was sick one day, and i watched it three times in a row. >> and you cried like a baby. >> stephen: i cried like a baby the entire time. i think i was hallucinating. >> it's all right, shop girl, i love you, shop girl. >> stephen: now-- but you take a typewriter. >> i have been known to take a typewriter to the baseball game. >> stephen: why do you take a typewriter? >> it's kind of like scoring the game. you have a little narrative that goes on. >> stephen: do you have a stogie, and a hat that says press, with the little card? >> i sit up on a little thing. little stool. the best thing to write is-- these are dodgers games and we can go, and-- i like baseball. i love a good long pastoral afternoon. but the best thing to write is when your team strikes out a guy swinging, right, and in baseball parlance, you write on the scorecard, "k!" "k" means strike out. so it's a big fat capital k! ( laughter ) dash, parenthesis, sit down!
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period, period, period. backspace, backspace, backspace. shift-eight, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe-- because that makes an exclamation mark, you see-- close parentheses. so that's what i-- i think whoever it is, walking back-- "yeah, i struck out, i should have caught that, i didn't get it, i struck out." i think they hear me typing that up in my little box: "sit down!" clack, clack, clack, clack! backspace, backspace, backspace! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this might be the angriest i've ever seen tom hanks. >> well, you know. >> stephen: nicely done. >> well, it keeps you in the game. >> stephen: absolutely. anger's good for the blood. >> well, you know, after six and a half beers-- by the third inning, you get worked up. >> stephen: now you recently turned 60 years old. >> 60 years old, yes. >> stephen: okay! ( cheers and applause ) >> it wasn't hard.
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>> stephen: really? >> here's how you-- >> stephen: did 60 not hit you hard? >> well, no, no, because it's not a real accomplishment. you become 60 by, essentially, wait. >> stephen: inertia. >> but no, 36 was hard. when i turned 36. >> stephen: why? >> well, because 36 is the year for my body shape, anyway, that your metabolism slows down and suddenly you have been living essentially on taco bell, pepsis and ding dongs, and at 36, it starts to show. >> stephen: not at all. >> oh, no, the butt goes and stuff starts coming out of your skin. 36 was tough, but 60 is nothing. i'm going to show you how strong i am. >> stephen: you want to punch me? >> i'm going to punch you. >> stephen: punch me in my arm. >> all right, this is a 60-year- old man's punch. >> stephen: do i get to punch you back, or is this a one-sided thing? >> oh... how old are you? >> stephen: i'm 52, but i'm a frail 52. okay, go ahead. do what you need to. >> all right, here you go. ready?
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all right. i'm going to lean into this. >> stephen: lean into it, baby. >> i'm going to rear back. all right, ready? ( laughter and applause ) did i kick you as well? >> stephen: yes, yes. i hope. are you okay? >> look what i did to myself. i just threw my shoulder out. >> stephen: oh, my god. we shot that in imax, i hope. >> you all right? you want to give me one? go ahead. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, you know where that came from-- downtown. what is this? what is this? >> this is a new thing that celebrities on talk shows are doing when we don't like where the panel is going. i'm giving you a yellow card. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i tell you what, hope i don't get the red. we'll be right back with more tom hanks. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back! we're here with our friend tom hanks! ( cheers and applause ) tom, excited about the new movie "inferno." >> always fun to make three at a time kind of movie. >> stephen: yeah, this is the latest dan brown, where it's like there's a great puzzle. >> robert langdon, professor. i keep trying to call them the robert langdon series. but everybody says, are you making another "davinci code?" i'm making another robert langdon mystery. is he the guy in "davinci code?" yeah, so, "inferno." it's coming out. >> stephen: "inferno," yeah. and in this one, again, you're robert langdon and you're trying to save the world again? >> exactly, always. >> stephen: and we have a-- >> and i wonder if i do. ( laughter ) who knows? hangs in the balance.
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>> stephen: we have a clip here. do you know what this clip is? >> i have no idea what this clip is. >> stephen: i do not either. and that will be exciting. jim? ( laughter ) >> you're right above the hall, 500. there's a stairway leading down to the street on the other side. so, one step at a time. yeah. come on, good. ( cracking ) sienna! >> all right. ( audience reacts ) wow, yeah, wow! wow, that was great! ( laughter ) >> stephen: heavily invested. >> yeah, i love it. >> stephen: now, that is-- i saw more of that clip. that's in the uffizi galley, right, in florence? >> that is, is, above the hall of the 500.
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that was a fabulous location. >> stephen: where is the hall of the 500? >> hall of the 500 is in the palazzo vecchio. it is called the hall of 500 because in the old days with the big dresses they could fit 500 people in there. and it was a gorgeous place. i can't believe they're letting us shoot there, because you're you're surrounded literally by masterpieces, everywhere. everywhere. >> stephen: when another one of these books come out, do you call ron, or does he call you? because it must be so fun for you to go, like, where do i get to go this time? because it's the greatest trip in the world. you go to the most beautiful places. >> i do and i read them with my google page open, because every time they make a reference to a place or a piece of art history or architecture, i get to look it up and say, man, i hope we get to shoot there. and we do. we get to go to-- i was in, we were in florence for weeks. and i, i would walk to work, literally, with a cappuccino in the morning from the hotel and cross the ponte vecchio surrounded by antiquities. it was beautiful, it's a great gig, man.
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>> stephen: wow. that does not suck, yeah. ( laughter ) >> yeah, it's always a play, and i love working with ron. he drives us nuts. but we have a-- and it's a very fun scavenger hunt movie. >> stephen: now, the premise of the movie, the opening question of the movie is, if you could push a button-- this is the first line, this isn't a spoilers-- if you could push a button and kill half of humanity, knowing that if you didn't push it, mankind would be extinct in 100 years, would you do it? >> it's about overpopulation and the numbers are adding up, and-- >> stephen: tom hanks-- >> --and the time will come when-- >> stephen: tom hanks, if you could push a button and it would kill half of humanity, knowing if you didn't push that button, all of us would die, what would you do, supposedly-nice-person tom hanks? ( laughter ) >> you know, that's an interesting question, but i'm sorry, i'm just going to have to go-- >> stephen: all right. >> you try to make me look bad. that's like the corbomite maneuver or something like that. >> stephen: the corbomite maneuver! >> there's no correct answer to
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that question. >> stephen: that is a deep cut! first season "star trek." >> thank you very much. there's no right answer to that. >> stephen: did you ever-- did you-- big fan of "star trek?" >> it was on every day at 6:00. channel 2. >> stephen: did you ever want to do it, like, did you ever want to be on one of the movies or the series or anything like that? >> i would like to be a guy in the red shirt that gets killed on the planet, you know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: any other disappointments of roles you really would have liked to have played? >> oh, dear lord. well, listen, there was a-- i drove home once from the valley all bummed out, thinking that "that's it, i can't do it," because i didn't get a call back to "police academy," the first "police academy." ( laughs ) no, i'm serious. it was '82. something like that. you know, and if you are of a certain age, everybody in town knows what's casting, and it was like, this is a bonanza. there's like, 49 cops in this thing. there is no way. i'm as good as half those guys. come on! i could be funny enough. it had gutenberg and everything, and michael winslow, the guy
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that did the sound effects and stuff like that. it was going to shoot in toronto. literally, i got, "great, thank you." that was it. driving home in my honda civic just like bummed out, that's it. >> stephen: so no toronto, but you got florence. >> well, look, you know, life is long, my friend, and just like turning 60, just wait, just wait. ( laughter ) just wait, see what happens. >> stephen: here's something that happened, that i think made some people very happy. can you explain, before i show this to people, can you explain what's happening here? what this photo is all about? >> that was-- is that me and ryan and-- >> stephen: that was central park. >> i was in central park. believe it or not, cat stevens was performing on the great lawn for the big one. so, cat stevens. >> stephen: yusef islam. >> ( singing cat stephens ) ♪ i'm being followed by a so this is being played in the background. ♪ i'm being followed by a moon shadow ♪ and i'm walking-- ♪ moon shadow i don't know, can you fake it? cat stevens? ♪ i've been hopping on a moon shadow ♪
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♪ moon shadow >> that's playing, and i come across this wedding party that's getting their photograph taken. so i stopped off, it was right by the reservoir. i said, "hey, folks, how you doing?" and got the picture. the bride elizabeth was lovely. ryan was lovely in his way. ( laughter ) and i wished them the best. and they had little ring bearers and whatnot. there's something i always say to everybody getting married. i say to the guy, "you, sir, are a very lucky man." and i say to the bride, "and you could have done a little better." ( laughter and applause ) because that is my marriage in a nutshell. >> stephen: they always could. every man marries up. >> oh, without a question. i know i did. >> stephen: tom, thanks for being here. >> always a pleasure! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "inferno" opens this friday. mr. tom hanks, everybody! we'll be right back with adam conover.
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>> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a writer, comedian, podcaster, and now, the creator of "adam ruins everything" on trutv. please welcome adam conover! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> it's incredible to be here. thank you so much. >> stephen: i love the way you're dressed. it's very natty. >> thank you, i try to look good, i do my best. >> stephen: i'm sure you stand out in a crowd. >> yeah. >> stephen: now, what do you mean you ruin things? what does it mean to ruin something? >> well, it's the superficial idea of our show. it's an educational comedy show, where i tell people the awful truth about common misconceptions, or cultural traditions that we don't often examine. so, like, you're married, right? >> stephen: ah, yeah. ( laughter ) >> yeah, okay, great.
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so, when you proposed, did you do-- you got your wife an engagement ring? your fiancee an engagement ring? >> stephen: i did, yeah. well, i gave it to her later. >> okay, so that's-- we think of it as being an old tradition, right? but that tradition was actually invented by the debeers diamond cartel in the '30s to sell more diamond rings, through a massive ad campaign, and then everybody forgot about the ad campaign and now it's a bedrock tradition of our society. >> stephen: but a diamond is forever. ( laughter ) >> yeah, kind of, you know-- >> stephen: yeah? >> yeah, and also diamonds are not very valuable. they're very common. >> stephen: what? >> they're very common, but the debeers-- >> stephen: what? i thought scarcity determines value. >> ah, except that debeers is a diamond cartel that controls almost the entire world's supply of diamonds, and so they restrict the supply, which keeps the prices up. that's why diamonds are expensive. >> stephen: they could have you killed, you know that, right? just for saying that. ( laughter ) >> yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: okay. so what are some of the favorite things that you've ruined? >> oh, jeez. >> stephen: and do you have a little joy, do you like watching the light drain out of someone's happy face? >> oh, yeah! well, the idea of the show is, on the show i sort of surprise someone who has a misconception
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about how the world works. >> stephen: otherwise happy. and they say-- >> oh, why do you have to ruin it for me?! but at the end, i show them why it's better to know and how that really makes you-- gives you more power in the world to know the truth. >> stephen: okay, so that's a philosophy, then? that's not just-- >> yes, i was a philosophy major in college. >> stephen: were you? so was i. >> really? >> for a little while, for two years, and then i decided to do something useful. ( laughter ) at the end of my freshman year, my first year of studying, we had only one question. the test was only one question. "is it better to know or not to know?" and there was no test all year. there was only that one. is it better to know or not to know, and support your answer with a philosophy. >> it's incredibly better to know. >> stephen: really? tell that to oedipus, my friend. ( laughs ) is it always better to know? >> yes, it's absolutely-- >> stephen: i don't want to know what's in my hot dog. >> do you not, really? >> stephen: i do not want to know what's in my hot dog. >> are you sure? because, i mean, chicken, pork, beef. i know all the-- if you know all the things that go in, you're like, that makes a wonderful
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combination. >> stephen: what about the fly eyes and the rat tail and stuff like that? the stuff that's allowed to be in your hot dog. >> well, then you can choose-- you have a-- you can choose better which one to get. i believe there is absolutely no virtue in ignorance. >> stephen: you have a new special coming up-- >> yes, it's an election special. >> stephen: this is "adam ruins everything, election special." is that what it is? >> yeah, the "adam ruins everything, election special." >> stephen: okay, and you have been traveling around the united states. >> oh, yeah, we went on this tour bus. this is a bus with my face on it, that we drove to 15 cities around the country. this is us driving through the white sands desert, which is a very post-apocalyptic feeling, to drive through a desert in a bus with your face on it. and i got out of it-- >> stephen: and an american flag. >> yes, and an american flag. it made it very hard to be incognito. people would go to the shows and be like, "pretty sure adam is on that bus." and they were right, because it had my face on the side. >> stephen: so, how do you ruin elections? >> well, there are so many people doing-- such as yourself, doing incredible comedy about the election. the one thing that we thought we could add with the special is
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add an historical perspective to it. >> stephen: is there an historical perspective on this election, because it seems-- ? >> of course, yeah! >> stephen: okay. so, who is like trump? >> okay, there's a lot of examples. >> stephen: never been a woman. >> yes, that is true. that is-- there are some genuinely new things about the election, but some of the things that people say, "oh, this is so crazy," we've seen before, you know? like, everyone says that the rhetoric and the name calling is so much worse. like, trump and everybody calling each other names in the primaries. but in the election of 1800 when thomas jefferson ran against john adams, jefferson hired a newspaper editor to write incredible slander about adams in the press. he wrote that he was a hideous hermpahroditical character. ( laughter ) it was horrible-- he wrote horrible things about him. >> stephen: really? >> yes, that's absolutely true. it's a matter of historical record. and then everyone said that when trump bragged about the size of his penis, that was-- "oh, we can't believe he bragged about the size of his penis, what president could have done such a thing?" but l.b.j., lyndon b. johnson-- very appropriate name-- ( laughter )
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--bragged about the size of his penis constantly. >> stephen: yeah, but in private. >> not that privately! >> stephen: not in a debate, a televised debate! >> there is a very well- circulated story that he pulled out his penis in front of a bunch of reporters. they said "why are you invading vietnam?" and he pulled out his penis and said "this is why." now, that story might be apocryphal, but he nicknamed his penis "jumbo." this is a matter of historical record. and he would whip it out in front of congress people in the capital bathroom and be like, "you ever seen anything as big as this?" and since he was the president, they must have been, like-- >> stephen: because he's from texas. ( laughter ) >> exactly. so, you know, there's a lot of-- so we can find those points of comparison and that can hopefully relieve some of our anxiety about this election, because everyone is so upset about it, you know. >> stephen: okay, we've got less than a minute, ruin these things. ready? ruin orange juice. >> okay, so even orange juice that says it's 100% oranges on the label? it's all artificially flavored. >> stephen: okay, mouthwash. >> mouthwash: listerine was initially sold as a floor cleaner, but-- this is true, matter of historical record--
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listerine invented the term "halitosis" in the '30s. they made up that idea in order to sell it as a mouthwash. >> stephen: okay, tom hanks. >> oh, you can't ruin him. he's perfect. ( cheers and applause ) he's andy pumpkins! you can't ruin andy pumpkins. >> stephen: the "adam ruins everything, election special" is on trutv tomorrow night. adam conover, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ),,,,,,,,
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i like to know what's happening as soon as it happens. who won the game, who won on the dancing show... ...i mean, if i watched that show. same with my banking. with my bank of america mobile banking app, i can see my accounts all in one place. i can easily manage them and if something doesn't look right, i'm going to know. plus, i can set up alerts to help detect unusual activity. so i feel secure. wait, he won? that's an average tango... at best.
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>> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ and feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ your worries no more you're going to be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from reykjavik, iceland, give it ur

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