tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 25, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST
i'll be here. you're all invited to come back this weekend. >> good night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: elijah, hey man! good to have you on the show finally! >> stephen. it's really great to be here... again. >> stephen: again? you were her before? >> yep. >> stephen: are you sure? >> i mean yeah, there's video to prove it. >> stephen: i mean, i get a lot of guests coming through here. >> what? you don't remember? it was only a few months ago. >> stephen: mmm-- >> you know, i mean, after the show, you stopped by to tell me how great it was to have me on the show. >> stephen: doesn't sound like me. >> well, i don't think i want to say what that says about a host who can't remember his guests. >> stephen: well, i would like to say, that i say, i would love for you to say what is says, because i think it says something about the guest who
won't say what it says. >> say it! >> stephen: it says you're uncool. >> this is a vintage sweater. i challenge you to settle this like gentleman! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( shouting ) >> stephen: elijah, hey man, great to finally have you on the show. >> i've been on a couple times, stephen. >> stephen: are you sure, man? >> yeah, remember i was on that one time, and then i was on again and we argued about you not remembering me the first time? >> stephen: no, sorry. >> and then we jousted? >> stephen: uhhhh... no.
>> right, well, you still have a lance sticking out of your gut. >> stephen: that's always been there. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes tiger woods, elijah wood and jorge ramos, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! look at that! thank you, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: jon batiste, everybody! ( cheers and applause )
welcome to "the late show"! thank you so much! hey up there, out there, way over there. good to see you! ( piano riff ) good to see you, everybody! thank you so much! awfully nice. awfully nice. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. everybody feeling all right tonight? ( cheering ) thanks very much. well, thank you so much for your energy, because we were here late last night, we did the show live last night. we're a little, uh, we have a trump hangover. we are all still recovering from last night's third and final debate, if there is a god. now, everybody's wondering who won. like this debate and every debate, who won, who won, who won the debate? well, cnn, and this is true, named the winner of the debate hours before the debate began. and they say it was excedrin, for their tweet, "the possibility of a debate headache is high, be prepared with excedrin."
that's cute. but of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was: "nyquil-- sweet darkness of sleep, it's your only escape." now the polls pretty much all say clinton won, but trump is no longer accepting the polls-- or reality-- because this is what he said last night, when chris wallace asked him if he would accept the election results. >> what i'm saying is that, i will tell you at the time. i'll keep you in suspense. >> stephen: yes, suspense. that's presidential. it reminds me of f.d.r.'s first inaugural-- >> the only thing we have to fear is... stay tuned to find out! ( dramatic music ) >> stephen: yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! got chills. didn't know. didn't know.
spoiler alert. it was nazis. ( laughter ) now, a lot of people say trump not promising to accept the results disqualifies him from the presidency. so, today, in response, trump assured voters that he believes in the peaceful transfer of power. >> ladies and gentlemen, i want to make a major announcement today. i would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the united states that i will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election. if... i... win. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: ha-ha!
oh, come on! oh, come on! you've got to give it to him! you've got to give it to him! you know, you really got me for a second there! i actually believed you had a shred of integrity. what an amazing psych-out. you know, a national psych-out. it's like that classic joke where you offer to shake somebody's hand, but when they go to shake it, you undermine our system of government. ( laughter ) so, how did we get to the point-- how did we get to the point where the fate of the american experiment rests in donald trump's tiny, whining, loser hands? ( cheers and applause ) truly. truly, the ( bleep ) has grabbed us. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: ohhh!
watch it. >> stephen: and undermining 250 years of representative democracy to protect his ego wasn't trump's only contribution to the debate. listen to what he said about mexican immigrants. >> we're going to get them out, we're going to secure the border and, once the border is secured, at a later date, we'll make a determination as to the rest. but we have some bad hombres here, and we're gonna get them out. >> stephen: yeah, bad hombres. i think he thinks he's running for sheriff. we got hombres, muchachos, compadres, quesadillas. ( laughter ) i am actually kind of surprised that trump didn't do better in the debate, because we know he prepared. it came out that trump held practice debates with chris christie playing the role of hillary clinton. so, you know, trump was ready, if hillary started weeping quietly while she handed him his mcdonald's order.
of course, hillary clinton, let's be fair, hillary clinton had her moments. here's what she said about her tax plans-- >> we are going to go where the money is. >> stephen: and she knows where the money is. it's where she gives her speeches. now, say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, well, it's been an upsetting campaign, hasn't it, jon? >> jon: well, you know. we got to deal with it, but it's only four years. >> stephen: exactly. whatever happens, it's only four years. and we're just now a few weeks from election day which means it's time for every american to perform their civic duty, threatening to move to canada if their candidate doesn't win.
it happens, talk like this happens every four years. canada is like america's safety school. so, i started to wonder, if you really did want to move to canada, what would that take? so, for you, the viewer, i found out. jim? i met with toronto-based canadian immigration lawyer, andrew cumming, to find out how to turn over a new maple leaf. thanks so much for talking to me today. >> pleasure to meet you. >> stephen: so what do we got here? ask away, on behalf of my audience. >> so, your name, exactly as it appears on your passport. >> stephen: it's stephen colbert. c-o-l-b-e-r-t. >> stephen, do you have any nicknames? >> stephen: oh, let's see: steve, steve-a-rino, eightball, hambone, brangelina. >> stephen, how old are you? >> stephen: how old do you think i am? don't worry about my feelings.
just shoot from the hip. you're not going to, you're not going to. you're not going to hurt. whatever you want. what do you think? how old do you think i am? >> 52. >> stephen: okay, ( bleep ) you. all right. i mean, i apologize. i mean, correct. i mean, good for you. good for canada, you. >> sex? >> stephen: sure, yeah. let's do it. >> i'll take that as male. >> stephen: what? >> color of your eyes? >> stephen: tell me what color they are. do you remember? >> dark brown. >> stephen: okay, pretty good. you are a very attentive lover. your eyes are beautiful, they are like jade. >> thank you. >> stephen: they're like polished jade, like precious stones that i found in a tomb in a forgotten valley somewhere in mongolia. and as i held the glistening stones in my hands and run the fresh spring water over them to reveal their agate glory... >> that will not assist you in the application. let's move along. >> stephen: will not, okay. you do have beautiful eyes. >> thank you. any criminal issues we need to be aware of?
>> stephen: not that you need to be aware of. >> any concerns with war crimes or crimes against humanity? >> stephen: i'm not concerned at all. >> and no previous convictions? >> stephen: convictions? >> yes. >> stephen: no. >> excellent. so then, i need you to sign this paperwork. and, do you have a photo? we need immigration pictures. >> stephen: okay, i got one. i got one right here. >> um, stephen your eyes are not brown in that picture. >> stephen: nope, they're not. the lighting in here is bad. but this is what i look like when i am properly lit, in canada. >> so, stephen, let's assume we can get you permanent residency in canada. if you want to move to canada, i have to warn you that there will eventually be a citizenship test in order for you to become a canadian citizen. >> stephen: okay. >> and i think it would be worthwhile to go through some of the questions, so you get a bit of the flavor for what is involved. are you ready for that? >> stephen: i am in. >> how are members of parliament chosen? >> stephen: oh, umm-- lumberjack competition? the octagon? the canadian octagon?
>> no. >> stephen: two men enter, one man apologizes? >> no! ( laughs ) >> stephen: no? okay, sorry. >> let's move on. let's try this one. name two canadian symbols. >> stephen: the maple leaf, and the barenaked lady. >> ( breaths in ) i am going to give you half a check for that. >> stephen: half a check. okay, all right, great. things are turning around now. >> ahhh-- what are the three branches of government? >> stephen: umm, the n.h.l., tim hortons and alan thicke. >> i will have to give x, x and x to that. >> stephen, what are the three responsibilities of citizenship? >> stephen: to defend the queen, for some reason. um, protecting children from wandering polar bears; adding unnecessary "u"s to words like flavor and color; oh, and you must be able to sing at least one gordon lightfoot song at karaoke.
>> can you do that? >> stephen: name one! name one! >> "the wreck of the edmond fitzgerald." >> stephen: ( singing ) ♪ the legend lives on from the chippewa on down, of the big lake they called gitche gumee ♪ what else? name it. >> "sundown." >> stephen: ( singing ) ♪ sundown ♪ you better take care ♪ if i find you been creepin' 'round my back stairs ♪ >> i am very impressed. >> stephen: ( singing ) ♪ if you could read my mind, love ♪ ♪ what a tale ♪ it was ten degrees or colder, down by bolder dam that day i heard you talking in your sleep ♪ ♪ that's right, yes i heard you call ♪ >> okay. >> stephen: ( singing ) ♪ carefree highway, let me slip away on ♪ ♪ second cup of coffee and i still can't face the day ♪ >> that is impressive. >> stephen: ( singing ) ♪ through the woodlands, through the valley comes a horseman wild and free ♪ ♪ tilting at the windmills passing ♪ ♪ who can the brave young horseman be ♪ >> i am going to give you a check for that. >> stephen: ( singing ) ♪ i heard you talking last night ♪ ♪ that's right, yes i heard you call ♪ ♪ but i could hardly hear the name you spoke ♪ ♪ that's a name i don't recall
heartbreaking, how come people don't sing more gord? come on, i am a canadian! i bet justin trudeau couldn't name that many gordon lightfoot songs-- i can sing them, baby! >> that was very, very impressive. >> stephen: thank you, thank you very much. so, am i a citizen now? >> not quite a citizen. in fact, not even a permanent resident. but we would love to have you. >> stephen: well, andrew, i would love to be had. thank you so much. canada, here i come! maybe. we'll see what happens on november 8. >> good luck! >> stephen: thank you, canada! we'll be right back with tiger woods! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a golf legend and pop culture icon. he has 14 majors, 11 p.g.a. player of the year awards and 20 years of the tiger woods foundation. ladies and gentleman, please welcome tiger woods! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: everybody's excited to see tiger woods. not a lot of times do friends call me up and say, "can i come to the show?" sometimes it's like a big band, and tiger woods. that must feel pretty good. you are an event everywhere you go. >> i don't know about that. >> stephen: no, you kind of are, if someone cares about golf. >> that's a good point. >> stephen: that is a good point. otherwise, people go, seems like a nice enough guy, why is everybody so excited?
>> yeah, fair enough. good talk so far. >> stephen: now, 14 majors, 79 p.g.a. tour wins, only missed 15 cuts in over 300 p.g.a. tour events. that's a 95% ratio of making the cut there. jordan spieth is only 22. he missed more cuts than you have. did you call him up and talk to him? >> no, that's 15 too many. >> stephen: that's 15 too many? all right. so when are you getting back to golf? because you have been teasing us here with the idea-- >> yeah, i hear you. >> stephen: you're supposed to play the safeway open. >> right. >> stephen: last minute you said you're not going to play, your game was not there. where's your game? >> well, my game is coming. it's getting there. i'm not quite there where i can shoot. i feel like i can shoot 63s and 64s in tournaments. i'm shooting low rounds at home but i don't quite feel i'm ready to shoot those types of scores under tournament conditions. >> stephen: okay, you were going to play turkish airlines open,
decided not to do that. next one is, what's this next one, there's another one coming up here, the hero world challenge, which you're hosting. >> yes, i am. >> stephen: i'm buying my airline tickets. are you going to actually play? >> i'll be there playing. >> stephen: you're going to play? all right. okay. ( cheers and applause ) now that we've got everybody excited for you coming back, why come back? ( laughter ) you've done it all! you've got nothing left to prove. >> i love competing. i love playing. >> stephen: really? >> i love trying to beat these boys, it's fun. >> stephen: and they are kind of boys compared to you because it will be 20 years since you absolutely destroyed everybody at the masters. >> i was giving jordan pretty good grief at the ryder cup because when i won the masters, he was still in diapers. >> stephen: not a metaphor. >> no. i have been doing this for a while, but i love being out there and competing, i love
trying to win golf tournaments and love to compete at the highest level. >> stephen: and what do you think...are you ever tempted to retire, so you can do what retirees do and play golf? ( laughter ) because that's win-win, that's win-win, tiger woods. >> well, here's the deal. golfers, when we want to relax, we go fishing. what do fishermen do to relax? >> stephen: stop fishing. >> stop fishing. okay. >> stephen: so how long has it been since you played in a p.g.a. tournament? >> it's been august, it's been over a year. >> stephen: okay, so anything about your time off, has it been humbling to you about your time not playing? >> yeah, since i've had two back surgeries since then and, you know, i like to practice and compete all day. that's one of my things. i like to grind it out, but the thing is i wasn't able to do that on the golf course. so i applied my same intensity in my craft, my focus to "call of duty."
( laughter ) don't laugh. ( applause ) i will spend eight hours a day, get a 30 minute lunch break, be in my reclining grandpa chair playing. and then, i thought i was good, because i got through the campaigns, no big deal, and then i went online. and when 7-year-olds are beating you from around the world, humbling. >> stephen: time to stop. by the way, i like the beard. >> took about three and a half months to grow. >> stephen: really? you look like tiger woods' evil twin right now. you can psych out your opponent with that. >> well, you can see i'm half asian, so it doesn't quite fill in through here. but i can get this thing going. >> stephen: okay. something like that. >> get a little twirl to it, yeah. >> stephen: i got to ask you one question about your ex-wife. you told "time magazine," less than a year ago, that she is one of your best friends. how is that possible?
keeping your ex-wife your best friend, given how that ended, my friend-- >> right. >> stephen: --that's more impressive than being 11 time p.g.a. player of the year. ( applause ) ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: honest to god, how did you guys work it out? >> you know, it becomes two simple things, okay, is that we have sam and we have charlie. and we love them so much, we're going to do whatever it takes to make that work. ( applause ) that's how it happened, and she's been one of my best friends. i've talked to her about so many different things and she does a does same thing with me, we go back and forth. and we communicate so much better now, it's incredible. i wish we had done that earlier on, but it's been incredible to have a best friend like that. >> stephen: well, that's good to know.
i want to talk about your foundation. we have to take a little break, but we'll be back with more tiger woods. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) hon, i don't know if i deserve this - i don't really work with my hands. you change a ton of diapers! your usual? not for me - for him. hon, you have something in your hair. would you like an oatmeal scrub? i already ate, actually. hon, we listen to carol. make my eyes pop? is this supposed to happen? (screams) i'm just kidding. we should do this more often. hold hands? no, sit in crazy chairs. get together and shop small on small business saturday. small business saturday is our day to get out and shop small. a day to support our community and show some love for the people we love. and the places we love. the stuff we can't get anywhere else and food that tastes like home. because the money we spend here
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! we're here with tiger woods. now, tiger, you're one of the great golfers of all time but also a great popularizer of golfers. of golf. and another man who is known for that is, of course, is arnold palmer. here's a photo of you and arnold together. ( applause ) a lot of members of arnie's army here. arnold palmer just passed away. was he an important figure for you? did you learn much from him? >> oh, my god, he was one of my heroes. and we became great friends. got a chance to win his golf tournament a few times. and to have him come, as i come
off the green, have him give me a great bear hug, is something that is, will always be special. to see that photo of arnie and i on the green of us chitchatting. we were always needling each other, i mean, pretty hard, which is a lot of fun. >> stephen: i understand when you were an amateur, he actually took you to lunch once. >> okay, so, when i was at stanford he invited me to come over to the silverado, which is where the safeway was, to have dinner with him. so i go to dinner, and we have a great steak dinner, and i pick his brain a little bit and i leave. well, my coach finds out, says "did you pick up the tab?" it's arnold palmer. i'm a college student. it's arnold palmer. so he says, "well, i don't know about this." so he calls ncaas, they deem me ineligible. because, i don't know, whatever it was. >> stephen: ineligible as an amateur because he bought you a steak?
>> so, i had to write a check to arnold palmer for $25. i was at el paso for the all american. and until the check cleared, he had to cash the check, send a fax copy to the ncaas and i was eligible to compete in the all american. >> stephen: wow. it's not that strict anymore, right? since then it changed a little bit. >> stephen: 20th anniversary of the tiger woods foundation. >> yes. >> stephen: how has it grown now? >> the emphasis was to get more participation in golf. we did that with junior golf clinics around the country. when 9/11 happened and i drove home on the 13th from st. louis, if i died if that tragic day, what would the foundation look like? well, we wouldn't have anything because we didn't have any bricks and mortars, nothing tangible, it was just a traveling circus of junior golf clinics.
i went to my dad and said we need to change this. he said what do you have in mind? i said we need to create something tangible, something kids can call their own. a week later, i said why don't we come up with a learning center. i said okay. i gave my dad the directive. he comes back ten days later and says why don't we create a learning center where i played high school golf at and we create a learning center of 50,000 square feet, and my dad got a chance to actually see it, be a part of it and feel it while there were kids in it-- well, kids with respect in it and then in it. i was wheelchairing them around. he passes about a year later. then i, about two months ago, i bring my son charlie to it. so to have that type of family atmosphere, to have my dad there and now my son there has been incredible.
>> stephen: i know that your father was an enormous mentor and influence for you and, you know, when fathers pass, we lose their voice. have you been able to re-create that voice interimly for yourself, to still have that guidance even though he's gone? >> i do. because it's the same thing. he always says get out of it what you put into it. if you work hard, you're going to get results. if you don't, you won't get them, but more importantly, you don't deserve it because you didn't go out there and earn it. so, that's why i practice so hard. that's why i work so hard. because i still hear my dad's voice each and every day, each and every day, i think about my old man. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, you've had the great privilege of golfing with quite a few presidents. can i do a little rapid fire round right here? i'll name a few presidents you played with and you give me your impression, okay, as a golfer. george h.w. bush. >> fast. >> stephen: fast? fast golfer? good golfer. >> yes, he's very good. we play in about under two hours. >> stephen: okay, clinton?
>> lots of cuts. >> stephen: lot of cuts at the ball, or cutting corners? ( laughter ) >> cuts. >> stephen: cuts. all right. i'll get you a lawyer present before you answer that again. w.w. bush? >> no. >> stephen: obama? >> straight. >> stephen: straight? he's very competitive, right? >> extremely competitive, hits it straight. >> stephen: hits it straight. hard, long? >> hard, hit it crooked, not longish. >> stephen: what about trump? >> you said presidents. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the tiger woods foundation, celebrating its 20th anniversary! we'll be right back, everybody, with elijah wood! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ this year at t-mobile, the holidays are on us!
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, folks! welcome back! welcome to tonight's broadcast, not live. ( laughter ) my next guest is a great actor, who's been in some of my favorite movies. please welcome elijah wood! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> what a band! >> stephen: amazing band, aren't they? >> i was just-- you're from new orleans, right? >> jon: yeah, that's right. >> i was just there two weeks ago. >> stephen: i could go, you guys could just chat for a while. fine with me. like a vacation. ( laughter ) now, you're in "dirk gently's holistic detective agency," which is a great book by douglas
adams, the guy who did "hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy," and it's on bbc america. i want to talk about this in a second but first-- >> yes. >> stephen: --you just came back from fantastic fest. >> yes. >> stephen: what is that? >> it's a genre film festival that happens in austin, texas. >> stephen: genre meaning? >> genre meaning anything from horror films, to sci-fi, to action films. this year i think the spotlight was on indian cinemas. they had a lot of bollywood films there so anything encapsulated by genre. >> stephen: can you walk around that or do you get mobbed by everybody because these are your peoples. ( laughter ) because you're not only a fan of it but you're also a darling. you're in these movies. >> this is true. it happens to be one of these festivals that doesn't separate the fan from the filmmakers and sort of the actors that are in them and there is a lot of respect for that. so everybody just intermingles also and they're all there for the same reason, which is to watch the movies and celebrate cinema. >> stephen: i understand that people give out free tattoos there? >> yes, so, four years ago they started giving free tattoos out
at the closing night party. and i missed that year, but every year, consequently, i've gone and gotten a tattoo. >> stephen: you get the tattoo. >> and i have a tattoo band around my arm. would you like to see? >> stephen: sure. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: wow. >> oh, thank you. so it started, that's four years ago. that's a firecracker, a ray gun, rubber chicken, and then this is the new guy. it's a kaiju. can we see that clearly? >> stephen: can you make the kaiju dance? >> a little flex of the muscle. >> stephen: look at the guns on elijah wood, man! ( cheers and applause ) there you go, sir. >> thank you. so, yeah, i have-- >> stephen: well, that's very brave of you to go for the free tattoo, because when i hear the words "free tattoo," i think, "hepatitis." ( laughter )
>> it's a silly thing. >> stephen: you also deejay, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: do you do it, like, professionally? >> yeah, i mean, semi- professionally. it's a hobby. i mean, i play in music venues. in november i'm actually going to europe with my friend zach. and we're going to play multiple cities across europe. >> stephen: so you guys are wooden wisdom. >> yeah. >> stephen: what are your deejay-- do you have deejay moves or anything like that? are you one of these guys? or you hit the ipod and sit back? >> it's all records, it's all vinyl, so anything can happen and anything can go wrong. >> stephen: dance? yeah. >> put on a song and crossfade it over and then typically we'll dance. and because it's two of us, it gives us a little bit more license. i think if i were just standing behind the thing by myself, it would feel weird to dance. but because it's two of us, we have that interplay together. so it's a lot of fun. >> stephen: no doubt. >> seeing an audience sort of responding to what you're playing. i suppose that's sort of what you do.
>> stephen: very similar. >> you get a response. >> stephen: i'm a joke deejay. all right, so the show is called "dirk gently's holistic detective agency." >> correct. >> stephen: and again, it was written by douglas adams, who did "hitchhiker's guide." and you play a rock guy, right? who's your character? >> his name is todd bratsman. he used to have a band, yeah, a punk band called mexican funeral. yeah, he plays guitar. >> stephen: and dirk wants your help, to solve-- >> he-- so, dirk gently, if any of you are familiar, dirk is a detective. but he's not a detective that uses anything traditional, in regards to how detectives solve cases. so he doesn't look for clues, no fingerprint evidence, no witnesses. it's all intuition and a feeling that he will be led in the right direction.
and, he comes into todd's life by breaking into his apartment and sort of declaring that todd is his assistant, having never met this person in his life. so you can imagine how my character deals with that, and ultimately gets thrust into this seriously mad case. >> stephen: well, we don't have to imagine it, because you were kind enough to bring a clip. jim? >> hi! what are you still doing here? >> what are you doing here? >> i live here. >> right, but where are you going? didn't you say you lost your job. >> no, i didn't say that actually. >> i'm on a detective. i'm on a case. you worked at the hotel where the murders took place. it's been all over the news for people who still watch news, old people, and me, occasionally. >> was i on tv? >> would be bad for you if you were? >> none of your business. >> maybe it is, though. >> maybe it isn't. >> where are you going? >> none of your business. >> you don't even know my business. maybe i'm a cab driver. >> you just said you were on a case. >> maybe i have two jobs. ( applause )
>> stephen: it's a part of a mystery. he's not entirely sure what he's doing. >> not at all. >> stephen: the motto of the book is "everything is connected." >> yeah. >> stephen: do you think everything is connected? do you think that's true? >> i do. but i think there are so many different ways you can go about believing that. i think there is a lot of people who believe in the notion of fate. and i think, i believe in fate with willpower, with the ability to change your own life. because there's-- >> stephen: that's not fate then. because will, like will to power, will in the world is different than fate. >> it eradicates fate. >> stephen: yeah. >> but i do believe things happen for a reason. i believe we meet people we're meant to meet. i believe that to a certain degree, i feel a sense of a path, but i also believe in free will. >> stephen: i totally believe that things happen for a reason. i, as a matter of fact, two years ago, at the closing party for the "colbert report," i
actually said to one of my producers who's a big fan of the "lord of the rings," matt lappin, i said to him at the party, i'm glad you're here with me, matt, here at the end of all things. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i turned around and you were right there! ( laughter ) things happen for a reason! >> they do indeed! >> stephen: "dirk gently's holistic detective agency" premieres this saturday at 9:00 p.m. on bbc america. elijah wood, everybody! we'll be right back with jorge ramos! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> great to have an audience. i do the newscast completely by myself. >> stephen: you don't have any audience for your newscast? >> no, this is fantastic. >> stephen: you really have got to get an audience for your newscast. they really like the news, they cheer. we could do "late show latino." >> en espanol? >> stephen: yes. >> don't say bad hombre, please. >> stephen: don't say bad hombre? ( cheers and applause ) now, let me ask you about that. let me ask you about that. is it, like, people were surprised he said bad hombre. is that a bad thing to say? >> it's a stereotype. >> stephen: it just means bad man, right? >> the latino community is full of buenos hombres, not bad hombres. ( applause ) >> stephen: we have, here, running for president, we have a loco hombre. >> you said it. >> stephen: oh, yeah, sure. you can't say stuff like that because you're a journalist. >> but i can confront trump. >> stephen: you did confront trump, last year, august 15 last year.
you got tossed out of his press conference. what happened? what did you do? >> well, what happened is i sent him a handwritten note with my cell phone number asking for an interview, then i learned my first lesson, which is, you should never, ever give your cell phone number to donald trump. >> stephen: did he announce it? >> he published it on the internet. so i said, okay, mr. trump, give me a moment. so two months later, i went to dubuque, iowa, he had a press conference and we had all these questions to ask him. he wants to deport 11 million. so i raised my hand, i asked a question, he didn't like it. he moved his mouth in a strange way-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. >> wait, wait. he called his body guard and ejected me from the press conference. the only other person who prevented me from asking a question with a body guard, was fidel castro a few years before. it's a true story. >> stephen: do you see any similarities between the two of them? >> yes, of course.
well, they don't like the press. >> stephen: yeah. >> they use a body guard to throw you out of places. >> stephen: was there any relief, like, i got to leave the press conference? >> no, because after that he realized he made a mistake and allowed me to go back. and then we started asking-- we had a back and forth on all the things he wants to do. he wants to deport 11 million people. that's absolutely insane, that's a horror. can you imagine? that's deporting 11 million in two years. that's deporting 15,000 people every single day, filling up 30 747s in 24 hours. he can start a new airline with that. >> stephen: he tried that once. it didn't work out for him. >> it would be trump airlines-- we'll send you back. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you think trump is an anomaly with what many are calling racist language or do you think he's expressing something that's already existing.
>> i think it exists right now but he has allowed white supremacist groups and neo-nazis to express opinions and prejudices that before, they were only saying to themselves in their parties or in their bedrooms. now it's all over the place. >> stephen: well, your new documentary is called "hate rising," and we have a clip here of you talking to, i believe, a member of the klan. >> imperial wizard, yeah. >> stephen: jim? >> white is so much higher than any other race. >> how can you say that? based on what? >> i just said it. that's how i can say it. >> based on what? >> based on god. we're god's people. >> isn't that racism? >> that's not racism. that's fact. >> stephen: where does one go to find the klan? >> just an hour away from dallas-fort worth. this rowdy-- >> stephen: that's his name?
>> well, not his real name, but rowdy-- ( laughter ) --he just didn't want to touch me. he told me, as you saw that, just because he's white and i'm latino, that he was superior to me. then-- >> stephen: i hate to tell him, but you're whiter than he is. ( laughter ) >> i don't think he's-- >> stephen: he doesn't accept that? >> no. >> stephen: you make anderson cooper look suntanned! ( laughter ) >> talking about white supremacists, i also went to ohio and there were about 30 neo-nazis, and they were burning a swastika. i couldn't talk for three hours. the producer and director, they didn't let me talk, for three hours. >> stephen: why wouldn't the producer let you talk? >> because it was not safe. first of all, you don't make small talk with white supremacists. you don't ask them, what's your favorite color. >> stephen: i think we know the answer to that one. ( laughter ) exactly.
>> and then, i have an accent. every time i call an 800 number, i get transferred to the wrong extension, or disconnected. >> stephen: yes. you've got to push one for english, you know that. >> right. so it was dangerous for me to be there and for them to notice that i have an accent. so, i didn't want to be transferred to another world. >> stephen: stay safe. stay safe and thank you for being here. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: jorge ramos. "hate rising" airs this sunday, october 23 on fusion and univision. we'll be right back! >> thanks, man! ♪ ( cheers and applause ),,,,,,,,,
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, folks, that's it for "the late show." good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ 'bout your worries it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from klazmer plasmatron, give it up for your