tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS June 1, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
did i say 4:30? i think i'll just stay up all night. >> have a good night! captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ♪ if i had knew you were coming i would have baked a cake ♪ baked a cake if i knew you were coming i'd have baked a cake ♪ ♪ ♪ had you dropped me a letter i'd have hired a band ♪ grandest band, in the land had you dropped me a letter ♪ i'd have hired a band. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes alec baldwin and charlamagne tha god. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! wooo! hey! hey! ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! >> stephen: what's going on? ( cheers and applause ) how are you, man? >> jon: what's happening? >> stephen: good to see you. hey, thanks so much. please, you're very kind. thanks so much, everybody. so nice to be here. welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) happy people. happy people, of course. happy tax day, everybody.
this is the day when we all release our tax returns to the man who won't release his. ( laughter ) now, tax day is traditionally on the 15th of april, but since that was on a saturday, this year they gave everyone three more days to figure out how their bathroom is a "home office." ( laughter ) i do a lot of reading in there. i do a lot-- >> jon: a lot of reading in there, a lot of tweeting, you know. >> stephen: but on the 15th, thousands of people across the country, marched to get trump to release his taxes. ( cheers and applause ) beautiful idea. lovely. lovely idea. but the tax march did not get trump to release his taxes, much like the women's march did not get trump to release his women. ( laughter ) but nice try, nice try. >> jon: whoa, whoa. >> stephen: but he did release some tweets.
( laughter ) okay, i know you won, but you know those things aren't related, right? ( laughter ) "hey, i just won a spelling bee! why are you looking in my crawl space?" ( laughter ) and trump demanded to know who was really behind the tax marches. yes, who paid for the rallies? i mean, they were authentic and drew people of all ages, so we know it wasn't pepsi. and-- ( laughter ) delicious. i could go. delicious product, though, it's a delicious product. please buy it. are they a sponsor? are they a sponsor? sure, why not? ( laughter ) and yesterday, during sean spicer's daily spicening, the question of trump's taxes came up again.
>> is it time to just say once and for all, the president is never going to release his tax returns? >> um, we'll have to get back to you on that. >> if you want-- i mean, so you... i mean, really? >> really. >> so he may? >> no, i said i'd have to get back to you on that. >> so you can't even say if he'll ever release his taxes? no matter what happens? how about this scenario-- aliens take over the earth, enslave mankind, and their one weakness- - the one way to destroy them and free humanity is that they are easily susceptible to 2000- 2007 itemized tax returns from donald j. trump. would he release his tax returns then? >> i said i'd have to get back to you on that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: he's consistent, he's consistent. of course, who has time to worry about taxes when we're about to go to war with north korea. but never fear, the white house sent mike pence to the d.m.z., and because the situation is so serious, he wore his top gun halloween costume.
( laughter ) ♪ the danger zone ( cheers and applause ) i would like to see-- i wouldn't mind-- i would like to see mike pence play shirtless volleyball in blue jeans. >> jon: yeah, that would be nice. >> stephen: obviously, if his wife was there. ( laughter ) and pence has got his work cut out for him because yesterday a north korean u.n. representative warned: now, this show pre-tapes... ( laughter ) so if you're watching this at home right now, we made it! ( cheers and applause ) to 11-- 11:41. i'm going to call 11:41. and this time, it isn't north korea with an erratic, trigger- happy leader. according to one russian official: well, then, russia, you should have thought of that before you
elected him. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) our president. ( cheers and applause ) what? what! what! i just put the-- i forgot to put the-- i'm sure cbs won't mind. ( laughter ) now-- luckily, our president had some reassuring words this morning on "the fox and the friends." >> the vice president is in asia doing the four-stop tour, and he said, basically, the u.s. is running out of patience, clearly a message to north korea. you have a navy fleet that is sent into the sea of japan right now. have you ruled out a military strike? >> i don't want to telegraph what i'm doing or what i'm thinking. >> stephen: okay, but can you at least confirm that you are thinking? ( laughter ) and that you're familiar with more current technology than a telegraph? ( laughter )
no matter what trump was asked in this interview, they taped it monday but showed it this morning. no matter what ainsley asked him, trump never gave a straight answer. >> did we sabotage the north korea strike? >> i don't want to comment on it. >> okay, what happens if north korea launches another missile? >> we will find out. >> all right. >> stephen: all right. have a good war. ( laughter ) now here's a word from our sponsor everblast subterranean, lead-lined bunkers, "everyone else is dead..." ( laughter ) they're still working on their motto. they're still working on their motto. also- are they a sponsor for us? are they a sponsor for us? i'd love to be in my blast shelter with some pepsi. it would be fantastic. ( laughter ) also, i noticed something odd about how trump refers to north korea's leader: >> but, you know, they've been talking with this gentleman for a long time. they have all been outplayed by this gentleman. >> stephen: i don't think trump knows kim jong-un's name. ( laughter ) i don't-- "this gentleman?" "this gentleman?" are they going to a strip club together?
( laughter ) why does he keep calling him "this gentleman?" either that, or the best nickname he can come up with is "this gentleman." and, mr. president, you're known for your nicknames. your-- your-- your "lyin' ted," your "crooked hillary." and this guy is a name bonanza. ( laughter ) there's so many you could try. how about "shiitake mushroom hair," or the "dear eater," or "chairman cow," or "the dictator tot," or "el presidumpty," or "the glorious people's re- piglet." anything at all for this. ( cheers and applause ) looks fantastic. now, we know trump never backs down from a fight as long as someone else is doing the fighting. just listen-- just listen to one of his rallies last year when some protesters interrupted his speech. >> come on, get 'em out! get 'em out! get 'em out. oh, look who we have here, some wonderful people.
awwwww. get out of here! get out! get out! unbelievable. u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! >> stephen: u.s.a.! u.s.a.! that guy's in charge of the u.s.a. ( laughter ) now, that was in louisville last year, and trump's supporters provided all the slugging. and now those protesters are suing donald trump for inciting violence at his rallies, which is kind of like suing olive garden for inciting breadsticks. ( laughter ) but the president has a simple counter-argument: suck it. because the presidency, he says makes him immune to lawsuits. oh, immune to lawsuits. i finally know why he ran for president. ( laughter ) "uh, mr. trump, mr. trump, mr. trump, as your lawyer i should advise you, you have over 70 pending lawsuits against you."
"okay, i've got an idea. give me that hat." ( laughter ) now, one white nationalist who's being sued by protesters, matthew heimbach, claims that trump should have to pay any damages, not heimbach, because heimbach: so to sum up: a white supremacist roughs up a protester, protester sues white supremacist, and instead of blaming minorities, the white supremacist blames his problems on a powerful white guy. progress. ( laughter ) baby steps. baby steps. ( cheers and applause ) makes you feel-- somewhere, somewhere in here. now, trump is scheduled to make a state visit to great britain this year, and not everyone in old england is feeling jolly about it. a petition to cancel the visit
was signed by 1.8-million people. ( cheers and applause ) 1.8! wow! 1.8-million. that's a huge number. i mean, that's like a fake inauguration crowd number. ( laughter ) and he doesn't want just any arrival when he gets there. "trump wants a gold-plated carriage ride with the queen." i don't know why either he wants the gold-plated carriage ride with the queen? to make him feel important? or... oh no! your majesty, if you hear the sound of tic-tacs, just open the door and roll out. just get away. i'm telling her to get away from him. you understand? i'm the good guy if this scenario. you understand? i'm being helpful in the thing i just made up. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. and the golden carriage is just one of trump's flashy demands.
we actually got our hands on the letter that trump sent over to buckingham palace with the rest of the wishes. it's the actual letter because it's got the presidential seal right there, and you can't fake that. ( laughter ) legally, i think i could go to jail. >> jon: oh yeah, that's it. >> stephen: i think i could go to azkaban for doing that. i don't know in england what they do with that. all right, here we go. jimmy, here we go: ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) "sincerely, donnie." but-- it was all funny until we killed harry potter. ( laughter ) but some people are enjoying the trump administration, and i
don't just mean the founding fathers who get to have fun spinning around in their graves. weeeeeeee! ( laughter ) no, i'm talking about our old friends the obamas. this week, barack and michelle obama were in polynesia, and someone managed to get us this shot of barack taking a vacation picture of michelle. posing for a picture on a yacht? wow. michelle decided to plagiarize melania for once. ( laughter ) let's um-- can we get that back up again? let's get a closer look. he's taking a picture with an ipad. ( laughter ) "daaad! come on! this is worse than when uncle joe made everyone look at his leaning tower of penis." ( laughter ) and we miss you, sir. ( cheers and applause ) we miss you. and the obamas weren't even the most powerful people on the boat, because joining them on
the super-yacht were "oprah, as well as tom hanks and bruce springsteen." that is nearly all of america's strategic likability reserve! ( laughter ) i just pray to god they put dwayne "the rock" johnson in a secure location. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) alec baldwin is here. stick around. i was wondering if an electric toothbrush really cleans... ...better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. but... ...they're not all the same. turns out, they're really... ...different. who knew? i had no idea. so, she said look for... ...one that's shaped like a dental tool with a round... ...brush head. go pro with oral-b. oral-b's rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to... ...gently remove more plaque and...
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>> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody! jon! jon. if i'm not mistaken, if i'm not mistaken, and, please, please correct me if i'm wrong here, but you appear to have some very special guests with the band tonight. would you please tell us who is sitting in. >> jon: blues legends keb' mo' and taj mahal. >> yeah, baby! >> stephen: thank you for being here, gentlemen. we'll be hearing songs from their new blues album tonight, "tajmo." thank you for being here. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is one of my favorite actors, and i wish he was president. please welcome the great sir alec baldwin. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
>> wooo! wow! what a nice crowd you have. >> stephen: they are lovely people. we decided to have a nice crowd for you tonight. because of you, we decided to have the best crowd of the week. >> it's chilly in here. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's comedy weather. it's comedy weather. keeps the guests fresh. >> i was in my closet and thought i have a few suits to put on and i said i'm not going to wear a suit, i'm going to give you this dirty-- ( cheers and applause ) i call it the springsteen look, my black shirt. so what's up? i'm sorry, i didn't dress up for you. >> stephen: no, you are always dressed up. you look like you are about to do tae kwon do or something. by the way-- >> i'm about to clean your pool.
>> stephen: you said springsteen just now. can i ask you a quick question about the obamas? did you hear what i was talking about, the obamas were on geffen's yacht with oprah and springsteen and tom hanks and paul mccartney. do you ever do stuff like that? because i hear about stuff like that, and i go, "i never get invited to those parties?" ( laughter ) >> you don't? >> stephen: no, i haven't. >> and why do you think that is? ( laughter ) no, but i'm saying, like -- >> stephen: i'm too darn busy. >> exactly, you are. sometimes i seem to miss that, you know, because of my kids and, like, i'll be making a movie, and the invitation will come and say, "come to mick jagger's daughter's wedding," or something. and i'm like, "i can't. i'm up here in canada making a movie." i'll say to them, "can i get out of work to go to mick jagger's daughter's wedding." "no! you can't get out of work to do that." >> stephen: what a hard life you have. >> my wife will say, "nobody feels sorry for you alec." >> stephen: nobody should feel sorry for you.
you have a lovely wife. you have a brand-new daughter or son? >> we have our son, leo, who was in the room just now, and we had to change his diaper, and we were afraid somebody was going to walk in and go, "oh, alec, what happened in here?" ( laughter ) it was the baby. >> stephen: oh, sure. also, not only the new baby, but also you have one of the greatest careers of all time, which is-- >> a silly thing we're doing now. >> stephen: exactly, right now. you are-- when i saw your donald trump for the first time. ( cheers and applause ) i think, like a lot of people, i think like a lot of people. when i saw your trump i went, "oh, thank god. ( laughter ) somebody has cracked that nut." do you like doing it? >> it's amazing. i think more than anything it's kind of eerie, actually, more than anything i have ever done, people come up to me and say something to me on the streets. you are in new york, and people come up to us on the street and say something all the time. my daughter carmen, our daughter carmen is three-and-a-half, and i call her the reincarnation of elaine strich. ( laughter ) thank you that you got that, thank you. and people will walk up to me,
and we'll be putting carmen in her little stroller and someone will walk by very quietly and go, "thank you, thank you. thank you. thank you." they're like thank me for the trump thing. and my daughter carmen looks at them and goes, "i don't like you!" ( laughter ) like, enough of this slapping my dad on the back and congratulating him. "just go away!" >> stephen: what's your hook-in? what is the thing you have to do? is it-- is it your face? is it the hair? is it the hands? is it the voice. what is-- >> they're sitting there on "s.n.l.." they're always coaching you. and i was going to do a movie this last summer, and lorne would say, "i want you to come and do trump?" and-- you know lorne. >> stephen: "i would like you to do your trump, please." >> "come and do trump every saturday for 18 consecutive weeks." ( laughter ) so, i go do this film, and the film fell apart and it was kind of weird, all of a sudden the movie just ended, i'm not going
to do the movie. so i picked up the phone and called lorne and said, "i'm trump. here i come. i'm on my way." and we get in the room and they show us footage of him. it's totally a caricature. you just pick a few things. i'm sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face out. you're trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car. ( laughter ) you're like. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. hey, thank you! >> thank you! >> stephen: now, trump isn't your first sort of questionable president you have experience with, because i found out you went to g.w., right? >> yes! >> stephen: george washington university. >> stephen: you ran for-- >> president of the school. >> stephen: president of the school. shot for the top, okay. and i'm really jealous, because nixon is my guy. he's my president. >> is he? >> stephen: because i remember the watergate hearings. that's my first introduction to presidency and you got this fantastic letter from nixon right there, richard nixon himself.
he calls you alex. >> you know what the greatest part is, is he writes, "from our mutual friend mark weinberg i have learned of the disappointing results, as far as you are concerned" he writes. >> stephen: "as far as you are concerned of the recent george washington university student body elections. the important thing is that you cared enough to enter the arena." >> "enter the arena." >> stephen: are you ever going to re-enter the arena? >> no, no. >> stephen: come on. entertainers can be presidents. >> but, you tell me what you thin, because you did one of the most astute, super political shows for years, and that is i think trump-- it's not going to swing back-- it's not going to stay that way, meaning it's not going to open the door for nontraditional candidates. >> stephen: no, no, basically is goes competency, incompetency, competency. >> right, right. ( laughter ) it goes crazy, safe, crazy, safe. ( cheers and applause ) but clinton, bush, obama, trump. it'll swing back. some guy who is, like, governor, next year of nevada -- >> stephen: of any place.
really of any place would be nice. >> do we really care at this point? >> stephen: the guy from governor's island would be fine. >> governor's island. the mayor of governor's island. >> stephen: we have to take a little break but we'll be right back with alec baldwin and his new book "nevertheless." ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with the lovely and talented sir alec baldwin. now, alec, you have a new book here-- is this your first book? >> i wrote another book. >> stephen: it's a memoir called "nevertheless." okay, there you are now, and here you are back in the jack ryan days. >> the guy that shot this picture-- he shot both pictures -- 30 years apart the same guy.
a friend of mine, michael todd. >> stephen: did you get a break the second time because it was like a two-fer. >> we put a lot of vaseline on the lens the second time. >> stephen: why a memoir? you're only 59 years old. what are you trying to remember at this point? >> exactly. i'm afraid i won't have the memory or energy for it 20 years from now. i thought to myself while i still have a few shards of memory left i'll do it now. >> stephen: obviously, i read the book, but in case i haven't- ( laughter ) it goes without saying i read all the books. i read all the books. >> yeah, yeah, that's what i love about you. >> stephen: oh, yeah. this was so easy to read, it passed right through, like you greased it. are there, like, confessions in here? are there things you just wanted to get out-- >> which was your favorite confession? >> stephen: oh, i think-- ( laughter ) i think it was that-- i think-- hold on. i think it was the key party with gayle king. >> oh, it was a good one.
>> stephen: you and charlie rose. no, but, are you-- are you really getting things out about your life? like "let me tell you the story before there are rumors about it." >> it's bogus but i talk about things i never talked about publicly before. >> stephen: why is that bogus? >> because it sounds like i'm trying to sell books. i talk about i had a problem with drugs when i was younger, you know, when i was younger. >> stephen: i can ask you something here? it's a little bit of a personal question. i have been a fan of yours for years, and i've admired your career-- obviously, this is the real jack ryan, not harrison ford. this is the real jack ryan. >> i was first. >> stephen: but you-- like, you famously like yelled at a paparazzo out there on the street one day. >> yes. >> stephen: more than one time. >> yes. was i on drugs then is what you are asking. >> stephen: no, beyond drugs or not beyond drugs. that's your own life. what i didn't understand is sometimes you seemed like an angry guy. you are a handsome guy, talented, have a beautiful wife, a great career.
what made you angry? what was the anger? >> the times i've been angry in my life which you can count them on one hand, really. there have been five of them in my whole life and there just happened to be a lot of cameras nearby. it's terrible. ( laughter ) there was one guy who was a paparazzi, we were coming out of our apartment and he was walking backwards-- this is a true story-- and he tripped and fell on a baby in a stroller, our neighbor's baby and he sat on the baby in the stroller. and that-- that upset me. that upset me. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> yeah, i got upset. >> stephen: so you're not an angry person. >> no, i don't think i am. i don't think i am. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i accept that. i accept that. >> but i think that the-- my favorite was this cop gets me when we had the whole problem with the paparazzi and he said, "mr. baldwin, i know people say you have a tough time controlling your temper getting control of yourself, but i want to say i think you do a very good job. when i think of what you could have done to this guy if we didn't show up a half an hour
ago." but i think you make a very good point is i had to learn once again, with my wife and my kids, not to make certain mistakes because it only adds to their problems, you know what i mean? the camera guys come down and i just ignore them. but they used to bother me. >> stephen: you're the eldest of six, right? >> i have an older sister. i'm the oldest son. >> stephen: two girls, four boys. >> right. >> stephen: big irish catholic family? >> yes. >> stephen: did you ever think about being a priest? >> i did. in my family i was told the oldest son of an oldest son in an irish catholic family is supposed to become a priest and i did think about it for a while. >> stephen: my family's tradition was every child was asked to consider holy orders. you had to give it thought? >> did you. >> stephen: sure? >> for how long. >> stephen: i was an altar boy and i wanted to be an actor and that's kind of like a priest, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: because there's a stage and an audience there. ( laughter ) but i didn't like that they're not allowed to applaud, you know. they're not allowed to applaud at the end of mass like, you nailed it!
i heard a rumor just recently from one of my producers-- >> that i'm angry. >> stephen: that you went on a date with jacqueline onassis. >> okay, now. i'm going to need a drink before we talk about this. >> stephen: let's sell some books. >> my friend, jim hart, who was married to carly simon calls me up and says, "do you want to come to see dancing at lunissa. and come to our apartment, a quick al fresco meal. 6:30, don't be late." >> stephen: "al fresco" means naked, right? >> it's in the book. read the book. he goes it's going to be you, me, carly and a mystery guest. i arrive a little early and 6:30 comes around and in walks jacqueline kennedy. and she was there. but it was definitely not a date. >> stephen: come on! >> please, what would jacqueline kennedy want with me? ( laughter ) ( applause )
>> stephen: you're not a priest! you're not a priest! and let me tell you, she wasn't a nun! ( laughter ) >> jacqueline kennedy was-- we have dinner with her. the funny thing was, she said to me-- she did speak the way people kind of imitate her. she goes, "my driver, body guard, john, is downstairs, and there's a lot of paparazzi there, and i don't want us to be photographed, so i'm going to go downstairs and get in my car with john and we're going to go to the theater separate from you, and you and carly and jim can get in your car." so literally, carly, jim. and put wigs on, and big sunglasses so they didn't know-- >> stephen: wigs? so they didn't know which one of you was jacqueline onassis. >> yeah, like i'm jacqueline onassis. she goes in her car and she sat in front of us. we didn't sit together. does this sound like a date to you? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. it sounds like a date to me. i didn't go on very good dates when i was younger. that's why. >> you had fun dates. >> stephen: we have to take a little break right here, but i
would like to talk to you when i back, i always wanted to act with you. >> can we make that happen. >> stephen: i don't know. we'll find out when we come back. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back with alec baldwin. are you still trying to perform with an old computer? that's like lebron... trying to perform with old equipment. ♪ ooh. well that is not what the fans signed up to see. is outdated equipment holding you back? upgrade your game to intel's fastest processor. you should probably upgrade those, too. ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! cheers, cheers. here's to you. alec, obviously, it's been great having you here. i'm loving the book, which i'm going to read again. ( laughter ) "nevertheless," truly a fantastic book. and more importantly, you're just one of my favorite actors. ( cheers and applause ) >> i feel-- you know what's funny. i feel the same way about you, stephen? >> stephen: really, you really feel that way? >> even if i didn't, you'd never be able to tell. that's how great an actor i am. >> stephen: bravo, bravo.
we do have to go. it's too bad we only had time for an interview. i'd love to act at you sometimes. >> act at me. >> stephen: yeah, that's how hard i act. yeah, yeah. >> why not right now? >> stephen: now? >> this is a broadway stage. >> stephen: it is a broadway stage. thank you for insisting but i don't think we have time to put on a whole play. >> but we could do the final climactic scene from a never- before-seen stage drama. >> stephen: and to make sure that it makes sense to the audience, we can cram all the characters' backstory into the dialogue. >> let's do it! >> stephen: okay! it's time for the "late show's" "too much exposition theatre." ♪ ♪ >> the "late show" presents, too much exposition theatre.
>> stephen: how enchanting it is to be here alone in my solitude in the fiefdom of my mad uncle who died suddenly of the plague when i pushed him from a window. and now i, balthasar, his only living heir, stand unopposed to inherit castle lancastwinshire. ( cheers and applause ) >> good afternoon, my lord! and since i am tardy-- good morning. >> stephen: can it really be you? >> yes, it is i, your cousin, manvolio, son of your mad uncle, the duke of lancastwinshire, and his rightful heir. i see you're filled with disbelief, for you have not laid eyes upon me since we were mere beardless youths competing for the affections of the fair lady eleanor. >> ah, fair eleanor.
>> stephen: but, cous, me thought you drowned whilst lawfully apprehended to a one- eyed silversmith who lost the crown jewels of the empire in a game of "chance" on board a galley off the coast of sardinia! >> nay, cous! nay, cous, for at the time i went overboard, the vessel was passing the port town of catania. >> stephen: catania? between calabro and policoro? >> no, no. look at this map. you see, we passed north- northeasterly past palermo. >> stephen: ah, yes, near reggio, home of cousin giovanni. >> no, here. look at the family tree. you're thinking of ruggierio, son of drunk uncle nencio. >> stephen: uh...
>> locked in an iron mask in the deepest dungeon of the highest tower of the farthest kingdom? >> stephen: right, the mask guy. yeah, yeah. >> exactly. and now here i stand, having washed ashore on an island where monkeys roamed like sheep and ruled like gods. and only by disguising myself as my own sister was i able to seduce the captain of a passing naval frigate to surprise you here! >> stephen: oh, cous, 'tis no surprise, for, you see, shortly after your disappearance, i was traipsing in the woods-- ( laughter ) looking for sweet crabapple when i was surrounded by three witches. >> the sexy kind? >> stephen: is there any other? ( laughter ) and these wishes three they warned me that one day you'd return to claim what is rightfully yours. but all you will claim is this dagger! >> whoa, whoa, whoa! dagger?
dear cousin, you mistake me. i have no interest in the castle. i was just stopping by to pick up my, ah, my, ah, basketball pump. i left it here before the whole monkey island thing. >> stephen: basketball pump that worries? i was wondering who this belonged to! >> thank you. now basketball pump, do your ill deed! >> stephen: no! no! don't pump it! no! ( cheers and applause ) no! no! alec baldwin, everyone! his book "nevertheless" is available now. we'll be right back with charlamagne tha god! ( cheers and applause ) yes! hey allergy muddlers are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®.
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>> stephen: all right, good to see you again. >> thank you for having me again. >> stephen: this is a slightly happier occasion. the last time we were together was on the live election night show-- >> don't remind me. >> stephen: well, there's a reminder at 1600 pennsylvania avenue every day. >> yes, it is, yes, it is. >> stephen: and the last time on election show-- which was a bit of a shocker. >> yeah. >> stephen: didn't know what to expect. a little bit-- didn't know what to say, but you said this, "well, congratulations, america. you ( bleep ) this one up." ( laughter ) ( applause ) in retrospect. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: in retrospect-- >> yeah. >> stephen: do you think you might have over-reacted in the moment? >> no, i think-- i think i was right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what i see happening now is what i was afraid was
going to happen the night of the election. >> absolutely. i think we're at a point right now in the country where it's not even about, you know, conservative and liberal or right and left. i just think it's about right and wrong, good and evil, god and satan, and you have to ask yourself what side of history do you want to be on? ( applause ) >> stephen: um, well, you've got a new book. >> yes, i do. my first book, ever! ( cheers and applause ) yes. thank you. >> stephen: it's a book about your experience and your view of the world. it's called "black privilege." >> "opportunity comes to those who create it." >> stephen: what is black privilege? >> first of all, i think it's a privilege to be black. i think when you're talking about black privilege, you're talking about something spiritual. when you talk about while the privilege you talk about something systemic and think we have a divine system that enables us to prosper in this country in spite of everything we've been through.
but i simply feel like this is a privilege to be alive, period. i feel like whatever you are, whatever god made you, whatever he put you here as, you should find privilege in that, and you should find to empower you. ( applause ) >> stephen: i believe that. that-- no matter what happens in your life, there's only one response, and that's gratitude to be here. >> always, to be here. i think we take it for granted. when you think about it, when your father has sex with your mother it's 400 million sperm cells that come out, and only one allows us to be where we are. >> stephen: yeah. >> so that's a lot of privilege in that sperm. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah. >> stephen: i, for the record, do not believe my parents had sex. >> really. >> stephen: no, just a firm handshake. >> okay. >> stephen: firm handshake at bedtime and "see you in the morning, darling." that's the image i have in my mind for the record. now, what is south carolina privilege. you're from south carolina, i'm from south carolina. not that far away. moncks corner. >> moncks corner.
>> stephen: what's south carolina privilege? >> me being here four times in the past year. >> stephen: that's right. we love having you on. >> when my book came out, other late night shows were like, "we want you on. can you do us before colbert?" i said, "no, i can't. he's from south carolina. i've been on three times already." >> stephen: palmetto state, got to represent. >> palmetto state got to stick together. >> stephen: we have to hang up on the in south carolina. >> we have to go half on a school or something or half on a scholarship. >> stephen: i work with my friends at "donors choose" in south carolina. do you mix up with them? >> no, but i'd like to. let them know i don't have the money you do. >> stephen: this is a sweet book money. >> hopefully i could get into that tax bracket but i would love to do something in south carolina, like, just for the schools. >> stephen: if you got into my tax bracket, you might like trump more. >> no, no, because i'm the type of guy that will always choose morals over money, you know.
( applause ) >> stephen: spoken-- spoken like a man who doesn't have the money yet. ( laughter ) does this book reveal anything embarrassing about you-- don't ask. hey, do not tempt the lord thy god. he might give it to you. that's right. any embarrassing revelations in addition here? >> i mean, i talk about my penis size. like -- >> stephen: is that embarrassing, charlamagne? >> it depends i'm seven inches, three-fourth in the winter, eight in the summer. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i think we might have to call time-out right now. i might have-- i'm sorry, i might have to-- might have to throw a flag on that. >> i do tell a story about my-- my-- she's now my wife. at the time she was my girlfriend. and, you know, we-- you know, she was-- in college, in college you go through your phase, and she was a cheerleader and she had slept with another guy.
and she told me his penis was bigger than mine and that was really traumatizing. so i ordered pills called magna r.x., that was suppose to make your penis bigger and i was doing exercises to stretch my penis and take the pills. >> stephen: but, again, anything embarrassing in the book? >> oh, yeah, not really. ( laughter ) >> stephen: great to you have back, man. nice to see you. the book is "black privilege." it's out today! that is charlamagne tha god. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ,,,,,,,,,,