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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 22, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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colbert is next. >> should be a good one. eat a lot of turkey, have a safe and happy thanksgiving. have a good night. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> i'm life coach and man giant tony robbins. you know, we all rof thanksgiving, the family, the food. the fights over the difference between yams and sweet potatoes. for the last time, aunt carol, there is no damn difference! now, the holidays are a certain time to focus on what's important to you. that's why i'm proud to introduce my new book "awaken the turkey within: how to stuff yourself with fulfillment this thanksgiving." it's filled with advice on how to hurdle obstacles and make the perfect cranberry sauce. two words: open can. you'll learn great lessons, like, first, if you get the big half of the win bone wish for a luxury sports car but tell everybody you wished for world
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peace. if you get the small half, stab the the guy with the big half. if you can still hear your heart beating you're not eeght enough. raise your standards, for god's sake. and finally, if you're alone on thanksgiving, dress up your turkey and seat it at the table. then instead of feeling bad about being alone, you can feel bad about eating your only friend. and so many other life boosters. so order "awaken the turkey within" today. grab that drum stick of possibility and dunk it in the gravy of achievement. pluts it makes for great stuffing. mmm! that's going to be moist tomorrow. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump ends charity. , plus stephen welcomes: john leguizamo, and musical guest elton john. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome, welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. tomorrow is thanksgiving! and i'm so excited to reunite with all my loved ones: pumpkin pie, stuffing, sweatpants. ( laughter ) it's time for family. but even in the best of years, political differences can make things tense. and this is not the best of years. so, if you're concerned about conflicts over the dinner table, watch how much you have to drink. ( laughter ) i recommend either no drinks or all of the drinks. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's really-- karate yes or
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karate no. it's really that two-and-a-half- drink middle ground where uncle fred starts asking, "well, why don't we have a white history month?" ( laughter ) to celebrate-- see you tomorrow, uncle fred. to celebrate thanksgiving, president trump has returned to mar-a-lago, so i know what the white house staff is thankful for this year. mar-a-lago members are, apparently, looking forward to imagine a plump, overcooked turkey waiting in line for thanksgiving dinner. while trump is down there, he may have some papers to sign because we have just learned that donald trump is shutting down his charitable foundation. so sad. they had almost reached their goal of helping anyone. ( laughter ) but the trump foundation is not going away completely, because
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the new york attorney general is investigating the foundation, and it cannot legally dissolve until the investigation is complete, same way the trump administration can not be dissolved until mueller's investigation is complete. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and recent filings shed light on a sketchy incident involving the trump foundation. see, back in 2010, trump's golf club in westchester, new york, held a charity tournament with a $1 million prize for a hole in one on the 13th hole. a man named martin greenberg aced the hole. then, after a celebration, he was told he couldn't claim the prize because the rules said the hole had to be a certain length, and trump's club had made it too short. wow. i feel terrible for the guy. can you imagine actually
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winning, then finding out you lost on a technicality? hillary clinton can. ( laughter ) ( applause ) she doesn't play golf, right? she doesn't play golf? that's not the only controversy trump is dealing with right now. there's been a lot of confusion ever since his administration announced that it would lift the ban on elephant trophies being imported from africa, then suddenly that you reversed course on that. the ban was put in place by the obama administration, and as we know, undoing all of obama's achievements is donald trump's only achievement. i think he paved over michelle's vegetable garden and put up an arby's. ( laughter ) trump's confusion might be because he didn't even know about his administration's decision to lift the trophy ban until learning it from the news media. so let me get this straight: trump's learning about his own decisions from watching tv? in that case, mr. president,
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guess what? you resigned. ( cheers and applause ) everybody loves you now. you lost weight! children are named after you. but then trump pumped the brakes on lifting the ban after a huge public outcry because as one environmentalist put it, "there's something about elephants that just crosses party lines. they get to people." yes, everybody loves elephants. they're like the pandas of the animal world. ( laughter ) by now-- now, i don't think i'm giving away any secrets here to say i'm not the biggest trump fan in the world. but there are plenty of people who will back the president, no matter what he does, like this trump supporter. >> if jesus christ gets down off the cross and told me trump is with russia, i would tell him, "hold on a second. i need to check with the president if it's true." >> stephen: first of all,"first of all, jesus is
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never going to get down off the cross to say that, because he's not on the cross. spoiler alert: easter. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) haven't got to that part-- don't want to give away the end of the story. but if he did, i'm sure the president would tweet, "jesus 'crust'-- flake-y-- was lying as usual. fake messiah, turning water into 'whine.' #whatwouldmedo?" i think he would say that. i've got no proof. i've got no proof. now, before the thanksgiving break, there was one final daily briefing from white house press secretary and mom who leaves the thanksgiving pageant after her kid is done singing, sarah huckabee sanders. and in keeping with the spirit of thanksgiving, she made everyone in the room extremely uncomfortable. >> i want to share a few things that i'm thankful for, and i think it would be nice for you guys to do so, as well, before asking your questions.
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if you want to ask a question, i think it's only fair, since i've shared what i'm thankful for, that you start off with what you're thankful for. >> stephen: ooh, i'm thankful for robert mueller! ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is-- what is-- this is a little heavy-handed. what's next? is jeff sessions going to testify before congress dressed as an elf? ( laughter ) "what's the true meaning of christmas? i do not recall." ( laughter ) now, if your family's coming over this thanksgiving and you're not ready, don't worry. there's still time to worry. and one website out there is ready to answer all your turkey day questions. it's ivankatrump.com, which has lots of lifestyle advice, like "five ways to make great small talk." "my dad's the president. i have an office in the white house; yet, i'm not complicit. did you make these potatoes?" and to get ready for
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thanksgiving, the brand tweeted out an idea for a fun and easy last-minute table centerpiece. "have no idea how to decorate your thanksgiving table? problem solved." all your problems are solved because ivanka's website suggests that you zazz up your thanksgiving table with a giant trash clam. ( laughter ) that's a shell from a giant saltwater clam. and according to ivankatrump.com "they're everywhere right now in home decor." you know where they aren't everywhere? the ocean. because giant saltwater clams are endangered. "oh, my god. i love your centered piece. it's one of a kind 'cause they don't exist anymore!" at least the clam is reusable. according to the article, for christmas last year, they "filled the entire clam shell with tiny pink and turquoise ornaments." ivankatrump.com really is your number-one source for ideas on how to humiliate clams. ( laughter )
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but they also have non-clam-related decorating tips. if you take a look at the photo, each-of-the-guests' plates there's a tiny white pumpkin. it combines the look of something unappealing with the practicality of something you can't eat. ( laughter ) but this website doesn't just cater to heiresses and socialites. also working women, which is why they advise you to "aim for affordable." yeah, there's no need to spend $3,000 for your giant clam shell. you're a working mom. just grab one for $1,300. "sorry, kids. we don't have turkey for thanksgiving. it all went into the clam budget. but it's an investment. next year, you can fill it with pink and turquoise ornaments." ( laughter ) and you can snag place settings just like the ones on ivankatrump.com for a thrifty "$350 per guest." wow, for $350, i want that clam to sing all of "hamilton," and i want to be called "clamilton." we've got a great show for you
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tonight. john leguizamo is here. but when come back, i'll give you the latest holiday proclamations from a big furry hat. can i get a glass of white wine and a michelob ultra? (cracking) (rumbling) michelob ultra. 55% fewer carbs than a glass of white wine. mic♪elob ultra. fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c
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your old magic set? and this wrestling ticket... which you still owe me for. seriously? $25 i didn't even want to go. ahhh, your diary. "mom says it is totally natural..." $25 is nothing. abracadabra, bro. the bank of america mobile banking app. the fast, secure and simple way to send money. the volkswagen atlas. with available pedestrian monitoring. life's as big as you make it.
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jack: this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere? jack: to invite all my friends in the industry to try this.
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jack: fast food's first ever ribeye burger. jack: made with 100% ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. jack: ahh, here comes the competition now. jack: and of course, since they work for my competitors, i've obscured their identities jack: except for this guy. jack: he is so screwed. jack: try my new havarti & grilled onion and all-american ribeye burgers. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody, right over there. give it up for the band. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: happy thanksgiving! >> stephen: jon, jon, my friend, so it's wednesday night. tomorrow is thanksgiving, turkey day. do you have any plans for thanksgiving. >> jon: yes, indeed, i'm going to crash your house. >> stephen: oh, that's right, you're coming to dinner at my house. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: with your girlfriends and your parents. >> jon: yes, it's going to be
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a good time. every year we have a singalong. >> stephen: we do. the poor guy, he comes to my house for thanksgiving-- we don't make you play the piano. you enjoy it. >> jon: at first i play for myself -- >> stephen: you get up and leave the table and start playing in the other room and we all migrate towards to like moths to a flame. a. they go, "do you know this?"" and if i say no, they play six seconds of it. >> stephen: and the instruments come out from nowhere. >> jon: basements, stairs, everywhere. >> stephen: drums come out, guitars, haps cords. we sing along. >> jon: yeah, it's fun. i'm looking forward to it. >> stephen: any food allergies i need to know about? >> jon: i eat everything so just bring all of it. >> stephen: all right, just in a bucket, just put it in a bucket. >> jon: i eat all of it. >> stephen: but you don't drink. >> jon: oh, no, i don't drink. >> stephen: you don't even have wine with thanksgiving dinner or anything like that. >> jon: no, that's not me. >> stephen: i saw you drink a
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glass of wine once. >> jon: you know who handed may that's glass. >> stephen: my wife handed you that glass of wine. that's one of her talents. handing-- handing nervous men glass of wine. >> jon: yeah, "take this." >> stephen: "take this, you'll feel better." all right, folks-- i hope you can join us for thanksgiving as well. please, come on out. as a late-night host, it's no secret i wield tremendous power, as much as history hey most ruthless tirants. genghis khan, kim jong-un, and cher. we all have two things in common: we look amazing for 71, and we all have a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: now that this hat is upon mine head, any and all proclamations i make are now and forever law. let us begin. ( laughter ) this thanksgiving, any grownup who says we should investigate uranium one has to sit at the kids' table. ( laughter ) and the first kid who remembers pilgrims were immigrants gets to sit at the adult table. ( applause ) henceforth, if you forgot to purchase crutouns for the turkey stuffing, it is acceptable to substitute xanax. ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you!
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i take your clapping! from this day on, all elevators shall come installed with a trap door in case someone decides to answer their cell phone. ( laughter ) heed my words: kevin, i can't make your holiday party next saturday. this was the easiest way to tell you. ( laughter ) let it be written-- marvel shall introduce a new superhero whose power is appearing at the beginning of the movie to recap all the other marvel movies i need to have seen to understand this movie. he shall be called "recap-tain america." ( laughter ) ( applause ) weddings shall no longer hire bands. i want to hear beyonce doing "single ladies," not a middle-aged man named derek who sells aluminum siding during the week. ( laughter )
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i hereby decree the apple store will stop calling its people geniuses. there is no nobel prize in syncing my calendars. ( laughter ) henceforth: wolf blitzer shall stop saying "i'm wolf blitzer. you're in the situation room." no, wolf, you're in the situation room. i'm in my underwear. the hat has spoken. we'll be right back with john leguizamo! ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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foks, my first guest is an emmy award-winning actor currently on broadway in his one-man show "latin history for morons." please welcome john leguizamo! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> wow. you've got a lot of people here, man. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, it's a packed house for leguizamo night. >> sold out, baby! yeah! nice! >> stephen: well, we're neighbors now because for the people of home who don't know this, we're right on 53rd street here, between 53rd and 54th-- >> we share the same air conditioning because it's as cold in my theater as it is here. >> stephen: it's 50 degrees. the audience is like celery-- you have to keep them crisp. you're in studio 54 right next door here. >> yeah! >> stephen: now, is that an old haunt for you. obviously, that was a famous club, were you there with bianca
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and halston. >> i was in there trying to get in there so bad because of all the good stuff happening in that club. >> stephen: did you really? >> dude, i would get my mom's mascara, paint over my pathetic mustache, stuff my shoes -- >> stephen: why did you stuff your shoes? >> so i could be taller. big feet. >> stephen: big feet, you know what they say. exactly. stuff your shoes! wow. >> that too! that too! is there you see the arches on that guy! so anyway-- >> i would come out with these two models, like latin models, gina and laurie, and they're next to me, and i'm standing there with my fake i.d., that i got in times square. and i the guy goes, "her and her." and i said, "what about me?" and they flat leave me-- that means left me. and they go inside and i'm like, gina, laurie!" they don't even turn back. "i brought you here! yet. >> stephen: where are they now? they went in and had fun, the orgies and drugs. i didn't get any of that.
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i got on the subway and wiped my mascara away. that's what i got. >> stephen: orgies are over-rated my friend? >> are they. >> stephen: they are. >> are they. >> stephen: totally over-rated. totally over-rated. i always decline. >> oh, good. >> stephen: it's chicken or fish or orgy, i go, "i'll take the fish." >> with a nice tv show. >> stephen: when you were last year was in october of 2016. remember that? >> oh! great times, man. oh! >> stephen: it was a live show. and it was the vice presidential debate night. we were on right after the presidential debate. >> right. >> stephen: and at the time you were like, "kind of boring, two old white guys talking to each other." is it still boring? >> no, now it's frightening. it's terrifying, man, being a latin man in this administration is terrifying. luckily for me trump has a positive side to him. he's like-- he's like the enema of this country who is going to release all the misogyny and homophob jaanthony anderson and
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racism out of the anus of america. ( cheers and applause ) yes. no on orgy s. >> stephen: no on orgies. no on-- no on that, too. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: what's happening is very unpleasant, but afterwards -- >> the clensing. it will be all clean. >> stephen: unbelievable. unbelievable. they're trying to figure out how much of this to cut out over there-- orgies, enemas. welcome to cbs. home of the "mary tyler moore show." oh, my god! so, where are you from, originally? where were you born? >> imcolombian puerto rican. >> stephen: do you still have family in puerto rico? >> yes. >> stephen: how are they doing? >> they're doing all right. they're doing fine. the water comes in intermittently, and the power comes in intermittently. we're trying to raise a lot of funding and money. we sent 5,000 solar lights. >> stephen: sure. >> so kids can read at dismiet
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do their homework. so we've been doing that. i do a collection. >> stephen: growing up here-- was it queens? >> jack sob heights. >> stephen: growing up in queens, as a kid, were you always, being a latino in the united states, were you always in touch with your heritage? were you, like, proud of your latinlatino heritage? >> you know-- i'm doing doing "latin history for morons" for helped me bridge this-- we're all morons. >> stephen: you have a new show at studio 54 called "latin history for morons." >> right. >> stephen: were you a moron about this? >> absolutely! i mean, i grew up in queens. there was a lot of white flight-- that's white people leaving-- we were moving in. so it was like reverse gentrification. ( laughter ) and we were moving in and, you know, you're playing stoop ball with your friends, playing off the wall, and you beat them, and all of a sudden they say, "get out of my country" you know, this and that. and i didn't know what to say
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back, you know. but doing the research and history of "latin history for morons," i felt like i am an american. i'm so american it hurts. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: like, what are some aspects -- if you don't mind me, i don't want to give exwaig exwg away from the show-- is there some aspect of latino history in the united states that we may not know about that would surprise us? >> dude, it was shocking. we had people who fought in every single war this country has ever had, and we're the most decorated minority in each and every single one of those wars. how incredible is that? >> stephen: all of them? all of them. >> civil war, american revolution, war of 1812 -- >> stephen: come on. 1812? >> we were there. nobody cares, we were there. korean war, world war i, world war ii. nobody can tell me i'm less american. not thom tillis of north carolina. senator thom tillis of north carolina who said hispanics and blacks are not traditional
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americans. and steve king of iowa, a congressman, said all great things in civilization have only been done by white christians. >> stephen: well, i'm not going to sit here and defend them to you, john. >> i dare you! >> stephen: i know you're looking for a fight. that was my old show. >> i'm a people man. >> stephen: when we say "latin history," what does that encompass? because people often say, "well, you know, the hispanic race--" there is no hispanic race. there is a culture. >> right. >> stephen: there is a culture, so what does latin history-- are we going all the way back to ferdinand and isabella, the inc. an empire and our contribution to american-- in the self-war, we had 40,000 people fought in the north and south-- they go where were-- i'm not going to stand here and defend that, either. >> stephen: so, so, there were latin soldiers fighting for both the confederacy and the union. >> yes. >> stephen: are there any statues of latino confederates
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anywhere in the country that you would like to call to be pulled down right now? >> how about statues to the losers? you can't have statues to the losers? i mean, the american revolution-- we don't have stat use of king gorge. he's lost! he's out. world waworld war i, the peopleo lost. we don't have stat use. otherwise, the mets would have a statue every year. ( applause ) >> stephen: he said it not me. >> they turned on me. >> stephen: they turn ow. they don't turn on me. >> i'm a mets fan! i hurt inside. some day we'll win! >> stephen: now, you do impressions in this show. you do your wife. you do your therapist. >> yeah, my therapist. >> stephen: you do your daughter. you have always done impressions? >> since i was little, man, it got me out of trouble. the bullies would try to beat me up and i'd go, "did you watch the jerry lewis show." how nice, ladies. hello, dean! "yeah, dude, do something else?" how about ricky ricardo. you love "i love lucy."
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"lucy don't do that to me." the only problem is then they don't let you leave. like, yo, man, i gotta go. my mom's waiting. she's got dinner." "do another one." what about brando. "i could have been somebody." >> stephen: i learned the same thing in high school. i learned while you're making them laugh they don't actively punch you. >> and then they forget. >> stephen: yeah. >> because they're not that bright. "i was going to do something to you, but i can't remember what it is. it will come to me. but you stay right there." >> stephen: one of the things they am most jealous-- i'm jealous of many things about you-- your talent. but one of the thingses that make meas most jealous, the greatest caricatures of my lifetime, al hershfelled, i did not get famous fast enough to get a hershfelled done for me. >> i beat you. >> stephen: look at these beautiful-- these are you captured by the great herschfelled. >> this was one of the great
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honors. he did arthur miller -- >> stephen: where is the nina? he would hide nina somewhere in the drawings. do you know where the nina is here? >> i didn't get a nina because mine are unpublished. he passed away before mine were published. i got two but they were unpublished. >> stephen: so there's no ninas in those? >> no, there's no 19 as in those. >> stephen: well... >> don't look down on them! >> stephen: no, i feel better. no, i feel better, thank you. no, no-- >> no, there's no ninas, but they're still hot. i'm still proud of them. i don't care. >> stephen: you should be. >> he ruined the great thing i had. >> stephen: i didn't ruin the great thing! i didn't ruin the great thing. i'm still jealous. >> sort of. not as jealous. "latin history for morons" is on broadway at studio 54 now. john leguizamo, everybody!
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( applause ). >> stephen: welcome back to "the late show." now, folks, it is just two days before thanksgiving, and i know a lot of you are stressed about making the meal for the family. that's why it's so important to get accurate information on turkey preparation. all right? you could try youtube, lots of how-to videos there about how to give your turkey a smoky eye. ( laughter ) but, of course, the gold standard-- everybody knows-- is the butterball turkey talk line. it is a toll-free number-- fans here tonight-- toll-free number. you can call to speak to an expert who really knows what they're talking about. or this year, you could talk to me because last weekend, i flew to the heartland of america to help butterball out. >> "the late show"" presents
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"stephen colbert's turkey tips." i headed to the butterball center in napierville, illinois, where i met carol. >> welcome. >> stephen: happy thanksgiving. you, too. carol? >> that's correct. >> stephen: what makes a get butterball hot liner? what are you looking for. >> someone who has a food background. >> i've eaten a lot. >> you have to be a good listener because they're telling you a story. they're telling you what's happening in their house. >> stephen: i'm sorry, i didn't catch that. what's the last part? >> they're telling you what's happening in their house. you have to be a good detective sometimes. >> stephen: because they might have murdered someone. >> no, no, you have to ask about, get more clues -- >> stephen: you have to find out if they murdered somebody. i don't get the detective part. >> you need more clues to be able to answer their questions. >> stephen: what are is craziest question? >> sometimes they call to ask where they can rent a turkey
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suit. >> stephen: why do they need a turkey suit. >suit. >> i don't ask. >> stephen: role playing, maybe? do you have a secret handshake? >> i don't. i should. >> stephen: like this. you come at me like this and then our thumbs hook from behind. ( gobbling ). >> stephen: what kind of voice should i be using? what's the-- what's the-- the phone manner like? is it like, "hi, this is steve!" >> yes, yes. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: how about like, "welcome to the butter bad ball hot line." >> no, first one, thank you. okay, when you're done talking and you've made them happy and you say gone, you might want to say, "happy thanksgiving." >> >> stephen: is it more important to have a happy beginning of the phone call, or should i give them a happy ending? >> all the way through. >> stephen: all the way through. okay. >> keep it-- keep it happy -- >> stephen: all the way through. >> inforpative. >> stephen: all the way through. >> when you're done, see the black button here? that will get released and you will get another call. >> stephen: the release is right there. >> right. >> stephen: so after the-- after the happy ending, i hit
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the black button for the phone release. >> that's right. >> stephen: thank you. ( laughter ) thank you, carol. >> all right, thanks. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> good luck. >> stephen: all right. butterball hot line. let's butter your balls. >> i like it well done. how would you suggest i cook it? >> stephen: a long time, cook it a long time. hi, this is carol. welcome to the turkey talk line. >> hi, carol, i'm cooking my bit butterball turkey breast with wings, and i put it in at 325. >> stephen: oh, boy. >> but if after two hours, i put aluminum foil on it. >> stephen: uh-huh. overall of it or just the thighs? >> there were no thigh s. >> stephen: there were no thyself? >> no. >> stephen: what happened to the bird? why are there no thighs? >> the way it was sold was the breast and the wings. >> stephen: you got ripped off. >> that's the way they sold it. >> stephen: you got ripped off. birds usually come with thighs. i apologize.
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can i get your number. we'll send you out a fresh turk wethighs. that's not right. >> what do you mean? how do you do that? >> stephen: just give me an address and we'll send you another turkey. it should have come from thyself. most of them are grown with them. >> oh, really? it's in the oven and it's an hour less than the required cook time. >> stephen: yeah, that happens a lot. >> and the meat thermometer is saying it's at 188. >> stephen: 188! >> yes. >> stephen: get out of there. it's going to blow. 188? there's no way you want a turkey that hot. >> that's what i'm saying! because i followed the time on the instruction s. >> stephen: what's your name? >> so-- why are you asking me my name? >> stephen: i'm trying to calm you down. you seem like you're in a panic. >> you said you were a turkey expert. when they answer the phone, you're described as a turkey expert. >> stephen: well, that's mostly marketing. i apologize. again, i apologize for the entire company. butterball turkey talk line. this is steve. how can i help you? >> oh, i hope you can.
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this is really a question about stuffing if i -- >> stephen: okay, do you call it stuffing or dressing? >> i call it stuffing. >> stephen: okay, wrong answer, bye-bye. ( laughter ). >> stephen: delta 3 pane-er, this is chicago o'hare tower, i need you to go to 2700 feet and level on approach. please stay in a holding pattern. we will advise. >> hello. >> stephen: is this dealty 359-er. >> no, i'm calling the butterball turkey hot line. >> stephen: you have reached o'hare tower. could you please put the pilot on? >> what? >> stephen: can you please put the pilot of the plane on. we need to talk to the pilot of plane. are you on approach, final approach to runway delta five-- >> no, i'm not -- >> stephen: ma'am, it is a federal offense to interrupt with avionics or aviation. please put the pilot on right now. are you delta 359-er on approach to o'hare. i have planes stacked up over
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o'hare like cordwood now, all right. can i have your name please? >> no absolutely nop. >> stephen: okay, i'm going to have to hand this over to homeland security if you don't give me your name. >> well, you do that -- >> stephen: delta 359-er, you are cleared to land. >> i am going to call the police, all right. >> stephen: well, i'm going to call the army? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: happy thanksgiving, everybody. we'll be right back. whoa! the mercedes-benz winter event is back and you won't want to stop for anything else. [ barks ] ho! lease the gla 250 for $349 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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behold the power of energizer® ultimate lithium™. ♪ music the #1 longest-lasting battery.
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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: he, welcome back, everybody! welcome back to the show already in progress. you know, folks, of course, one of the great things about thanksgiving are all the annual traditions. i just love them but sometimes our thanksgiving traditions can get a little stale. that's why we here "the late show"" hasv made a helpful, instructional video. >> ahhh, thanksgiving, a time for the whole family to get together and find out who grandpa is afraid of this year. but why not put a fresh spin on the classic holiday meal? here are some quick tips to spice things up, just like we have been trying to do in the bedroom, roger. no thanksgiving is complete without a festive cornucopia. which is native american for
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pilgrim shofar, if you can't find an authentic cornucopia, simply substitute a traffic cone. then just throw some grapes in tor whatever. wonderful. , of course, no thanksgiving is complete without the sides. toppings give your sides an extra kick. try sweet potatoes with marshmallows, green beans with crispy onions, and cranberry sauce with the synthetic drug g.r.z.. you'll be tripping balls. toss it in the potatoes and green beans, too. of course, no thanksgiving table is complete without the stuffing. there are so many fun ways to serve it-- from a dish, out of the turkey, that old vcr you have been holding on to, or why not entertain the kids with a traditional stuffing-iata. don't forget the gravy! of course, no thanksgiving is complete without the turkey. remember, a 20-pound turkey can take up to an hour to fry and five hours to roast. but if you've got six weeks, why
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not consider sun cooking this year. don't forget to lotion every 20 minutes. and vegetarians don't have to miss out on the turkey fun. just adopt a live one. this is lorenzo. he bites when sexually aroused, just like i'm asking you to do, roger. of course, no thanksgiving is complete without the dessert. how do you spice up the traditional pumpkin pie? you don't! it's an american classic and it's perfect! you don't need the sprinkles! (bleep). there you have it. now, you can put the fun back in thanks-fun-giving. happy holidays. >> stephen: we'll be right back. elton john is coming up in a minute. don't go away. make kohl's black friday your first stop! with incredible black friday doorbusters! stores open thursday at 5pm. plus, get more bang for your buck with $15 kohl's cash for every $50 spent!
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jets." please welcome back to the show, elton john! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hey kids, shake it loose together ♪ the spotlight's hitting something ♪ that's been known to change the weather ♪ we'll kill the fatted calf tonight ♪ so stick around you're gonna hear electric music ♪ solid walls of sound say, candy and ronnie, have you ♪ seen them yet uh but they're so spaced out, b- ♪ b-b-bennie and the jets oh but they're weird and they're ♪ wonderful oh bennie she's really keen ♪ she's got electric boots a mohair suit
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♪ you know i read it in a magazine ♪ b-b-b-bennie and the jets ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hey kids, plug into the ♪ faithless maybe they're blinded ♪ but bennie makes them ageless we shall survive, let us take ♪ ourselves along where we fight our parents out ♪ in the streets to find who's right and who's wrong ♪ oh candy and ronnie, have you seen them yet ♪ oh but they're so spaced out, bennie and the jets ♪ oh but they're weird and they're wonderful ♪ oh bennie she's really keen
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she's got electric boots a ♪ mohair suit ♪ you know i read it in a magazine, oh ♪ b-b-b-bennie and the jets ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ oh candy and ronnie, have you ♪ ♪ ♪ seen them yet oh but they're so spaced out, ♪ bennie and the jets
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♪ oh but they're weird and they're wonderful ♪ oh bennie she's really keen she's got electric boots a mohair suit ♪ you know i read it in a magazine, oh ♪ b-b-b-bennie and the jets ♪ ♪ bennie, bennie and the jets ♪ bennie, bennie, bennie, ♪ ♪
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♪ b-b-b-bennie and the jets >> stephen: thank you! elton john, everybody! >> stephen: woooo! thanks again,
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. now, stick around for james corden and his guests, krysten ritter and josh hutcherson. have a great thanksgiving. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> are you ready to have some fun? don't you worry about where unified school district come from, feel all right, it's the "late late show with james corden"

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