tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 19, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
morning at 4-30. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> the white house is putting out a different time line of rex tillerson's firing. chief of staff john kelly told reporters he called tillerson to give him a heads up and mentioned bizarrely that tillerson was in the bathroom during the call. ( humming ) ♪ deep in the heart of texas. ( phone ringer ) >> hello, rex tillerson here. general kelly, can you call back later? i'm involved in some... u, tough negotiations with a hostile internal enemy. all right. go ahead. what do you mean the president may tweet about me? ( laughter ) hold on. i have to drop am ambassador off at the pool. so what's he gonna tweet is this
just tell me if it's gonna be in all caps. no? okay. well, whatever it is, i trust it will be respectful of a man in my high office and will not denigrate the dignity of the nation's top diplomat ( flush ) >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." student, mueller in the crosshairs. plus stephen welcomes drew levinson, adam devine, moby, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
>> stephen: hey, everybody! thanks very much! welcome, welcome, welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) are you guys enjoying march madness? ( cheering ) speaking of madness, donald trump. we're on the brink of another crisis because it really feels like trump is gearing up to fire special counsel and guy wondering how much he'll get for his book deal, robert mueller. this saturday, trump's attorney and shaved peter pettigrew, john dowd, called for "the immediate shutdown of the special counsel probe into russian interference in the 2016 election." dowd made the demand in a email
sent to a reporter that was written in purple comic sans. ( laughter ) really! sounds inappropriate until you remember that the declaration of independence was originally written in wingdings. ( laughter ) yeah. really worries us, folks, is that the next day, trump tweeted -- "why does the mueller team have 13 hardened democrats, some big crooked hillary supporters, and zero republicans? another dem recently added... does anyone think this is fair? and yet, there is no collusion!" yes, "hardened democrats." you don't want to mess with them. they'll walk right up to an old lady and then stick her with a social security check. all right? "you stay down or i'll give you some health care!" ( laughter ) because you look like you need it! >> jon: i need a little bit of
health care! ( applause ) >> stephen: that was my democrat. >> jon: nice. >> stephen: by the way, mr. president, every time mueller announces indictments, many democrats are hardened. ( laughter ) that's based on a true story. ( laughter ) and this is significant because until now, trump had never attacked mueller by name in a tweet. which is a moment so significant it deserves it's own film "call muell by your name." i hear there's a hot im-"peach"-ment scene. ( laughter ) ask someone who's seen it. ( laughter ) republican senators have implied that firing ueller would be a mistake, like south carolina senator lindsay graham: >> are you worried that the president is preparing to order
the firing of mueller? it sure looks that way from his tweets. >> well, as i said before, if he tried to do that, that would be the beginning of the end of his presidency. >> stephen: wait-- it's not even the beginning of the end of his presidency? i thought we were at the middle of the beginning of the end! i should've gone to the bathroom when reince priebus left! now, i've got to hold it to the midterms. and we know trump is in a firing mood, because this weekend former f.b.i. deputy director and extra from "apollo 13", andrew mccabe was fired just two days before his retirement! what? no! no! no! no! wrong! if you want to get rid of a cop two days before his retirement, you don't fire him. you send him out on one last job with a rookie. ( laughter ) "sharon's already waiting for me up at the cabin. two more days and i'll finally get to be the husband i always promised to be. that woman is a saint. she's already up at the lake with the grandkids. they call me pee-pop.
anyway, i'm gonna go look behind those suspicious shipping containers. you stay here, kid." ( cheers and applause ) and, because he was fired two days before his retirement, mccabe loses his $60,000 a year pension. $60,000. that's like half a porn star payment. ( laughter ) oh, well. ( piano riff ) oh! oh! here's the thing -- the reason mccabe was going to be fully vested in his pension on sunday is because it was his 50th birthday! in fact, trump sent him this card. "happy 50th birthday.
you're not getting older... you're getting fired." ( applause ) nice. thanks very much. now, this could all be perfectly innocent. mccabe had been under investigation by the inspector general of the f.b.i. so to avoid looking like he's trying to shut down the russia investigation, all trump had to do was not dance on mccabe's grave. so he tweeted: "andrew mccabe fired, a great day for the hard-working men and women of the f.b.i. a great day for democracy. sanctimonious james comey was his boss and made mccabe look like a choirboy. he knew all about the lies and corruption going on at the highest levels of the f.b.i.!" and mr. trump knows a lot about choir boys. everyone who works for him is going to sing. ( cheering )
( piano riff ) maybe not manafort. let that sink in for a second. this is a sitting president gloating about firing a respected, career f.b.i. official, and smearing another whose firing led to the appointment of the special counsel. and none of that shocks me as much as the fact that he spelled "sanctimonious" correctly. ( laughter ) not an easy word. i think he was trying to spell "saxophone." and he wasn't done: "the fake news is beside themselves that mccabe was caught, called out and fired. how many hundreds of thousands of dollars was given to wife's campaign by crooked h, friend, terry m, who was also under investigation? how many lies? how many leaks?
comey knew it all, and much more!" that's a damning allegation. also a great blurb for comey's new book. "comey knew it all, and much more!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) he's coming on here. comby's coming on here to talk about the book. yeah. and comey wasn't the only one to write things down. because right after he was fired, we learned mccabe kept notes about conversations with trump and gave them to mueller. and if you think the notes are incriminating, wait until you see the doodles. ( laughter ) the president heard about these notes, and launched a cunning legal argument: "nuh-uh." ( laughter ) "spent very little time with andrew mccabe, but he never took notes when he was with me. i don't believe he made memos except to help his own agenda, probably at a later date. same with lying james comey. can we call them fake memos?"
( laughter ) you can call them whatever you want, but mueller's going to call them "evidence." ( applause ) ( laughter ) ( cheering ) big news on facebook, your cousin had a baby and she's naming it milo! also, free will is an illusion. because there's more news in the story of trump campaign consulting firm cambridge analytica -- a classy name -- not to be confused with their competitor: oxford think-em-ups. they're a big data firm and it just came out that in 2014, when cambridge analytica was run by bannon, they exploited the facebook data of millions by using personal information taken without authorization and used
them to build "psychographic profiles" to help them figure out whether a particular voter was, say, a neurotic introvert, a religious extrovert, a fair-minded liberal, or a fan of the occult. ( laughter ) i consider myself a neurotic introvert and a fan of the occult, which means i often summon satan but then i'm too shy to talk to him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) "i don't know, i don't know, what have you been doing? i don't know my soul would be worth anything. you can just have it ." ( laughter ) the only reason we know about any of this is because of cambridge analytica founder and punk rock cabbage patch kid, christopher wylie. wylie said the company "exploited facebook to harvest
-- had been harvested at an unprecedented scale but failed to alert users. really! the one time it would have wanted a facebook alert. perhaps that could have replaced one of the four messages i get a day about my ex-roommate's college girlfriend's one woman show. i'm a "maybe" sarah! that means no! cambridge analytica is defending itself on twitter saying, "reality check: we don't use or hold any facebook data, and advertising is not coercive; people are smarter than that." yes, advertising isn't meant to "coerce" people, it's just a public service to distribute free short films about amphibians who enjoy car insurance. ( laughter ) cambridge analytica is saying advertising can't change your behavior literally on the same page it says, "data-driven behavior change."
( applause ) the same breath! yeah. it's like me tweeting out, "i couldn't have burned down my house for the insurance money," while my twitter banner image is flamey the cartoon flame saying, "it worked again!" ( laughter ) but that's not the only bombshell. britain's channel 4 sent an undercover reporter posing as a representative of a rich candidate, interested in hiring cambridge analytica. here's what mark turnbull, the company's managing director, had to say about how they target voters. >> it's no good fighting an election campaign on the facts because actually it's all about emotion. the two fundamental human drivers are hopes and fears, and many of those are unspoken and even unconscious. you didn't know that was a fear until you saw something that just evoked that reaction from you.
>> stephen: he's right. until i saw that footage, i didn't know i was terrified of cambridge analytica! ( laughter ) and cambridge analytica c.e.o., alexander nix, says they're not above a little good, old-fashioned entrapment. >> send some girls around to the candidate's house, we have lots of history of things. just saying we could bring some ukrainians in on holiday with us, you know. you know what i'm saying. >> they are very beautiful, ukrainian girls. >> they are beautiful, and i find that works very well. >> stephen: well, we don't have to worry about them blackmailing our leaders, as long as no one in washington is attracted to eastern european women... oh, my god! ( laughter ) ( applause )
now, you might think it was unfair of this reporter to pretend to offer somebody business, just so you can secretly record them being corrupt. but luckily, alexander nix disagrees. >> equally effective can be just to go and speak to the incumbents and to offer them a deal that's too good to be true and make sure that's video recorded. these sorts of tactics are very effective, instantly having video evidence of corruption putting it on the internet. >> stephen: smile alexander nix, you're on candid corruption! ( applause ) you know what? i tell ya, i bet this is something you didn't even know you feared until you saw it. we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) drew barrymore is here, but when we return, i'll be right here with more monologue. stick around! mercedes-benz glc...
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love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. (avo) get 0% apr financing on all new 2018 subaru forester models. now through april 2nd. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) welcome back to the show! jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band there! ( cheers and applause ) jon, let me ask you this, it's that time of the year. are you following the march madness? >> jon: no, i'm not following it this year. but i'm going to watch the finals though. >> stephen: that's fair weather, stick around for the finals but didn't do the work leading up to the finals. >> jon: l.s.u., we didn't get in. >> stephen: uva, my wife's alma mater, got knocked out, they were number one seed.
charleston, my hometown, got knocked out. prejudiced against teams that don't play well. >> jon: i think it's rigged. >> stephen: that's right. ( laughter ) well, i just want to take a minute here to give a shout out to friend of the show, vladimir putin. ( laughter ) yesterday, putin won re-election with 76% of the vote. ( booing ) >> stephen: no, ladies and gentlemen, you've got to give it up. congratulations to president putin... for making up a realistic-sounding number. 77 is too much. 75, that's two three-quarters-y. 76, that's about right. ( laughter ) this is putin's highest margin of victory yet. it's really impressive. though, i'm starting to think he might have had help from the russians. ( laughter ) of course, my condolences to putin's opponents, viktor straw-man-ski and nerve gas patient 5421. ( laughter )
( audience reacts ) ( piano riff ) too soon? >> jon: that's cold-blooded. >> stephen: folks, i don't want to disappoint you. now, brace yourself, there have been reports of potential voter fraud in the russian election. in one case, "a group of wrestlers appeared to make a commotion in order to distract people from the ballot box while a man slipped in extra voting slips." ( laughter ) that's bad. that would never happen to trump. he would appoint those wrestlers to the supreme court. ( laughter ) and take a look at this footage from a security camera that was supposed to be monitoring russian election workers. they're counting the ballots on camera. that woman is walking away off camera and... balloons! ( laughter ) yes! that is bold and disturbing to see this kind of blatant election fraud coming from putin, a murderous strong man
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! folks, my first guest tonight is an actor you've loved for decades. she now literally eats your heart in "santa clarita diet." >> you go talk to ed and if he's undead we know it's the clams. if he's feral, we go back together and make him regular dead and in the meantime i'm going to talk to karl.
>> you shouldn't talk to karl by yourself. >> don't worry. i have a plan. i'm going to act like old sheila who's demure and chipper and never had an orgasm while eating a man's liver. mmm... >> stephen: please welcome, drew barrymore! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hello. ( cheering ) hey. >> hi! >> stephen: so nice to see you. >> it's so nice to see you, too. >> stephen: i have not seen you since i interviewed you in character on the old show, and back then i couldn't actually appreciate being with you to the degree that you deserve because i was a jerk. >> no, you weren't, but i tend to overdo it with people i love,
and i love you so much and i've watched every single episode of your show ever! ( cheering ) like ever! if i would travel and come back two months later, i would go through every episode because i just wouldn't have missed it, and my children's father and i would watch it together and i never missed one episode because i would always learn something from everything, even if it was past news, it was a completely different perspective. >> stephen: well, we aim to educate is primarily what we want to do. i am an educator. >> i do like news, i like it satirically, but i feel like satirical news is covering stuff even newspapers aren't and you have to dig so deep and you just make the world a more smarter, educated place. ( applause ) while making it palatable. because a lot of the stuff we're
learning -- >> stephen: it's got a bitter after taste. little spoons full of sugar in there. >> if you can serve it up in a delightful way, you've accomplished god's work. >> stephen: oh, thank you very much. thank you very much. >> yeah. >> stephen: so you're a bit of a news fan? >> i am. >> stephen: you keep up on things. what about talk shows? as i say before, you have been entertaining us almost four decades. you have been on talk shows since you were five or six. >> i did johnny carson in 1982. >> stephen: wow! and i tripped on the step and really, really ate it. i think they, like, cut to a different angle in the camera because i was, like, splayed. >> stephen: physical comedy. i was, like, this is a lesson in humiliation. it's the tonight "late show -- e "tonight show" and you're seven and you complete si lihave eaten
it. i was on his show eight times. i started bringing him gag gifts. he was on his allot divorce and i brought him a set of dishes with his name on it and i said, whatever woman you divorce won't want these because they say "johnny"! >> stephen: wow. i was a real card, or i don't know why i have hat sense of humor but i loved joking with him. in this particular theater i did something particularly with mr. letterman. >> stephen: you famously pulled a little bourbon street on him. >> i sometimes think it doesn't feel like me. it's like a distant memory that just doesn't seem like me, but it is me, an that's kind of cool. ( laughter ) i'm still down with that. i'm like a mother of two, i'm completely, like, you know -- i don't know, i'm such a different person now that it doesn't feel
like me but i'm, like, still into it. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: you like that feeling. >> i'm a changed woman. >> stephen: you were one of the first famous women in hollywood to create her own production company in 95, right? >> yes, flower films. >> stephen: flower films. that was really ahead of the curve. now we're in a moment of female empowerment in hollywood. >> yes. >> stephen: talk about diversity and inclusion. >> yes. >> stephen: what do you think about this present moment we're in right now? >> i think it's phenomenal and overdue and wonderful. the only thing i ever have a personal thing about is tone. i don't want anything to have tone of anger. i know people say anger is healthy. i have a dark side that's completely, you know, a huge
qasem, but i've never -- chasm. i've never been an angry person or expected people to hand things to me. i hope people won't do it weather and expectation because you have to prove that you are capable and what this important time is about is those doors opening for those people. so when i -- >> stephen: and once you walk through the door, it's up to you. >> absolutely, i think it is. when i was a woman or a girl, at 19 i knew walking in these rooms the guys were like who is this woman in a jansport backpack -- it's the best on the planet especially with kids -- but we walked in and presented ourselves with capable girls. it was in h the era of the hollywood power suit woman, women were becoming heads of
studios but they were almost trying to be men about it and we're, like, we're just girls but here's how we would make charlie angels and we would show and make clip reels and prove ourselves so we would leave no doubts or favors to be asked, and i think it's important for women to work hard at their dreams and to do it without anger, and i know this is a taboo thing to say in this time because it is ignited by anger, so i guess maybe there's a healthy and unhealthy anger, but i can assure you that if you have the abilities and you stay positive and you don't expect things to be handed to you but you really work towards them, all the greatness will come because i was never treated like a little girl who couldn't do it. ( applause ) maybe i had to earn it, but earning is okay. >> stephen: great to hear. that's great to hear. >> i say take the positive and capable approach and be tireless
about it, never ever ever stop working. i'm, like, a crazy worker. >> stephen: now you've got the "santa clarita diet" on netflix next season in which you play a suburban mom who is also a zombie. and which of those is more of a stretch for you? ( laughter ) >> when i was seven years old and did "fire starter," it was the first time i got an insight into what it would be like to blow people up, and i liked it. ( laughter ) i did. i know i just said do things without anger, but there are some people on the planet where i was just, like, i wish i could shoot a fire ball at you right now. >> stephen: how often do you come home coated in blood? >> almost every night. i will have to take a shower at the studio but i'll miss parts and my children will go, what is that red? i will say we painted at work, kind of an art thing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you are a
bohemian, you're a free spirit. >> i guess so. >> stephen: you actually brought poetry for us to read. >> i always try to think on shows, like, how we could make it personal or do something, and, so, i just started putting together a huge list of poems for you. >> stephen: you sent a long list, i love poetry. this is one of the ones you chose. >> sure. >> stephen: i'll read it. also a little poetry at night is nice. >> stephen: wonderful, yes. it's called "so now." the words have come and gone, i sit ill. the phone rings, the cats sleep, linda vacuums. i am waiting to live, waiting to die. i wish i could wring in some bravery, it's a lousy fix, but the tree outside doesn't know. i watch it moving with the wind in the late afternoon sun. there's nothing to declare here, just a waiting. each one faces it alone.
oh, i was once young. oh, i was once unbelievably young. >> stephen: that's beautiful. that's beautiful. ( applause ) >> stephen: my baloney has a first name ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's o-s-c-a-r. my baloney has a second name, m-a-y-e-r. oh, i love to eat it every day. and if you ask me why, i will say, because oscar mayer has a way with b-o-l-g-n-a. beautiful. ( applause ) "santa clarita diet" returns friday on netflix. back with adam devine! stick around!
♪ next chapter ♪ "...there's only one catch..." car of your choice." "...this is the last car you're ever going to get in your life..." "...you would baby that car..."" "...well, you don't just get one car in your life..." "...you get one mind and one body..." "and, it's what you do today that determines how your mind and body operates, years from now." i like yours too.hair. can i have some?
>> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! you know my next guest from "workaholics," and "pitch perfect." please welcome adam devine! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) nicely done. you've got to give the people what they want. >> yeah, they want that. was it too subtle? >> stephen: no. that was the right amount of excitement? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, it was both desperate and flexible at the same time. >> that's my whole career. please love me! please! >> stephen: these people first got to know you in "workaholics" over that comedy central. we used to be co-workers at
comedy central. >> yeah. >> stephen: they kept us on separate coasts. how old were you when you got that gig? >> i was a young boy at 25. ( laughter ) that's not funny. i was young. >> stephen: because you created that show, right? >> yeah, it was weird. i've never been the boss of anything. they wouldn't allow me to be, like, a cash register -- they wouldn't allow me to work the cash register. >> stephen: because they didn't trust you. >> right. and at 25 they're, like, you've got it. run the show. >> stephen: did you know how? no, i would read books on it. i would come in and go, you got this, guys. we have a problem, by the end of it, figure it out. >> stephen: wow. tart with drinking on the roof. i think we'll get there. ( laughter ) >> stephen: every comedian usually has something in their past that sort of is the turning point for them and this is why they become a comedian.
>> mm-hmm. >> stephen: i understand you had something fairly terrible but survivable that happened when you were a child. >> yeah, i was hit by a cement truck. >> stephen: wow. i want to remind everybody that he survived. >> i did survive. >> stephen: how did this happen and how old were you? >> i was 11 years old and fully mangled. >> stephen: how did this happen? >> my friend was across the street and he yells "come on" and he was trying to murder me. ( laughter ) yeah, he took an insurance policy out on me at 11. he's very crafty. he says come on and i took it as coast is clear. so i just walked out and -- >> stephen: how long were you in the hospital? >> almost a month and a half. i couldn't walk for two years. >> stephen: not walk at all? in a wheelchair. i would get up to, like,
crutches and i would need another surgery and back in the wheelchair. to pass time i would, like, do voices and characters, and i would call into to radio station all the time. that was my first bit into comedy. i would call into the radio station and do different characters when i was 1, 13. >> stephen: like who? chris farley. he was, like, yeah. so it would just be him asking to hear a long. it would be like, you know what i need to hear?! a little margie's playground, sex and candy! my two favorite things, sex -- and candy! i was better before any voice -- before my testicles dropped. >> stephen: weren't we all? ( laughter ) you grew up in omaha, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: tell me about these omaha steaks.
>> they're good. i used to sell them over the phone. >> stephen: do you cold call people? >> well, yeah, there's a list, but steaks are actually fairly easy to sell because you're just, like, hey, you know steaks? they're delicious, right? yeah. all right. where's your credit card? ( laughter ) >> stephen: was there a better time of a year? >> lunchtime is the best time. >> stephen: everybody is hungry. >> at 11:30 they're buying. i'm going to take this. >> stephen: sure. i would take a piece of paper and this is my telemarketing technique and i would go, what's that? hang on for a second. oh, no, we can't sell them for that cheap. ( laughter ) and then i'd go, well, believe it or not, this just came in from upstairs. it's a single floor building. we're, like, well, we're basically giving away the filets. >> stephen: just for talking about this we should probably get steaks. >> after this, let's go out for
some. >> stephen: the new show is a movie? >> a movie. it's a big act called "game over, man." it's we're hotel maids. >> stephen: you're hotel maids. >> yeah. let me pitch it, steve. >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) >> it gets taken over by terrorists, the hotel. >> stephen: okay. do we save the day? yeah, we do. ( applause ) comes out next friday on netflix. >> stephen: and how do you save the day? does this get violent? >> it gets very wild and violent. it's a very r-rated movie. my parents -- i'm nude in it. it's going to be a lot. >> stephen: i got to get fit nude or ha, ha, look at me nude? >> look at my male anatomy nude.
three minutes, fighting a man, just like -- ( laughter ) it doesn't stlapt hard. i admit that. you will see it. you will see it. >> stephen: adam, lovely to see you. "game over, man" is on netflix this friday. adam devine, everybody! back with a performance by moby! that's right, moby! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) breathe freely fast with vicks sinex. my congestion's gone. i can breathe again! i can breathe again! vicks sinex... breathe on.
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for just 10 bucks. steak included. ♪ chili's is back, baby, back, baby, back ♪ try to read me like a book. but i leave em all shook. because you can't judge a book by its cover. this campaign and this project is all about us not wanting to be boxed in. to let people know that you cant just place labels without learning who they are as a person first. and i am a senior public safety my namspecialist for pg&e. my job is to help educate our first responders on how to deal with natural gas and electric emergencies.
everyday when we go to work we want everyone to work safely and come home safely. i live right here in auburn, i absolutely love this community. once i moved here i didn't want to live anywhere else. i love that people in this community are willing to come together to make a difference for other people's lives. together, we're building a better california. >> stephen: and now, performing "this wild darkness" from his album, "everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt," ladies and gentlemen, moby! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ooh, in this darkness ♪ please light my way light my way ♪ ooh, in this darkness please light my way ♪ light my way
ooh, in this darkness ♪ please light my way light my way ♪ ooh, in this darkness please light my way ♪ light my way ♪ apportioned like madness in season ♪ bracing all like a breaking of reason ♪ with every night lost and every day torn ♪ with a drama feeling calmer and it's a comma in the storm ♪ speakers are crying like a forest in the rain ♪ i was so alone with my thoughts and my pain ♪ and the darkness closed like a mouth on a wire ♪ and i'll never be free ooh, in this darkness ♪ please light my way light my way
♪ ooh, in this darkness please light my way ♪ light my way i can't stand ♪ on my own anymore i can't stand in the stain ♪ of the broken and poor i can't break what i held ♪ and it never was true in the mirror what i said ♪ was a lie to you and me and everything i see ♪ and everything i could tried so hard to be good ♪ for myself, for you for the hidden and divine ♪ for everything but i can fail ♪ just so many times ooh, in this darkness ♪ please light my way light my way ♪ ooh, in this darkness please light my way
you gotta go to ross. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be hilary swank, thomas middleditch, and comedian, rory albanese. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies anden