tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 29, 2018 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> have a great night. advisor john bolton have said some pretty scary things but we found them far less scary when sung by michael bolton. ♪ they argue action is not justified. ♪ because pyongyang does not constitute an imminent threat ♪ ♪ they are wrong ♪ the threat is imminent ♪ the inescapable conclusion is that iran will not negotiate away its nuclear program ♪ ♪ time is terribly short
♪ but a strike can still succeed ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ my walrus mustache can kill on command ♪ ♪ he never said that, but i bet it's true ♪ ♪ i bet it's true >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight it's infrastructure week. stephen welcomes emily blunt, from showtime's "the circus" john heilemann and alex wagner, and kacey musgraves, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert!
captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hello, everybody! please have a seat, everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) today, the president was in ohio talking about infrastructure. check your calendars. it's always infrastructure week. and talking about construction brought back happy memories. >> that is what i do, is, i build. i was always very good at building. it was always my best thing. i think, better than being president! >> stephen: oh, don't sell yourself short, sir. you suck at both. ( cheers and applause )
( piano riff ) infrastructure... and trump reminisced about his favorite part of building. >> i love the smell of a construction site. right? there's just something about it! >> stephen: "i love it. it's the smell of loans from dad and looming bankruptcy." ( laughter ) aaahhh! ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but, again, this was an infrastructure rally, so he talked about "roseanne." >> even look at roseanne, i called her yesterday. look at her ratings. look at her ratings! i got a call from mark burnett, he did "the apprentice," he's a great guy. he said, donald, i called just to say hello, and to tell you, did you see "roseanne's" ratings? i said, mark, how big were they? "they were unbelievable, over 18 million people, and it was about us."
>> stephen: wait, "roseanne" is about the trumps? well, i can't wait for the episode where john goodman blows their vacation money paying off a porn star. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! >> stephen: is that episode two? three. episode three. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: episode two, he has sex with her. episode three, he pays her off. okay. ( laughter ) the reason why trump crowed about the ratings is that on the show, roseanne agrees with trump. it's been called refreshing. well, i'd like 18 million people to watch my show, so let me serve some refreshment: i agree with donald trump about something. cnn lies. okay? hear me out. last night, we had my old friend dana carvey on the show, and he did a great impression of the new national security advisor, john bolton. check it out. >> you know what they say --
sanctions-schmanctions, mandy patanktions, i'm going to send some big fat tanks in! babbity-boo, slabbity-boo, raddle-diddle-diddlediddle- dit, haaaaa! waaaaaccch, poof! >> stephen: a very subtle, nuanced portrayal. ( laughter ) well, this morning, cnn had an article about it, which was nice, but the headline was "look who's playing john bolton on s.n.l." fake news! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i take everything back. uh apologize! donald trump is a great president. come on! come on, cnn, this isn't "s.n.l." unless you think "s.n.l." stands for "stephen's nightly laughs." ( laughter ) ( applause ) here's how you can tell that clip wasn't "saturday night live:" it was a wednesday, we tape during the day, and it's not live.
laugh you got three things wrong in three letters! still, it's nice just to be recognized. so, thank you, msnbc. ( laughter ) trump also bragged about the changes he's made in the veteran's affairs administration. >> i had passed the v.a. accountability-- accountable -- the accountability act, and, now, when they are bad to our vets or they are not working for our vets, we say "hey, jim, you're fired! get out of here, jim! get out. get out. that was a big deal. >> stephen: yes, if his name was jim! it's not.
it's david! david shulkin. you fired him yesterday! ( laughter ) how long does it take you to forget someone's name? "i tell you, she only left this morning, but i already miss my old communications director, harpie hoops." shulkin's being replaced by presidential doctor and guy who eats white strips for breakfast, ronny jackson. now, one of the reasons shulkin lost the job is, he abused his travel privileges and was accused of lying about it. and at least no one's ever accused doctor jackson of lying. >> with president trump's consent i released the following health information. height: 75 inches. weight: 239 pounds. >> stephen: i stand corrected. now, while i'm sure he's a good
doctor -- he was obama's doctor, too, right? the v.a. is the second largest agency in our government, serving 22 million veterans, and jackson is just some guy he met wearing a paper robe. evidently, trump just hires people he sees around. we were one delivery away from having defense secretary domino's guy. ( laughter ) remember the farmer bro, martin schrelli? remember that guy? not many people do. that's food. well, earlier this month, shkreli was sentenced to seven years in jail, partly for defrauding investors, but mostly for making this face. in addition to the jail time, the court ordered shkreli to forfeit more than $7.3 million in assets-- assets which include the only existing copy of the wu-tang clan album "once upon a time in shaolin", which shkreli purchased for $2 million.
not only that -- if he didn't send in the cancellation postcard, the record club kept sending him $2 million records every month. that's how they get you. ( laughter ) ask your parents what the columbia record tape club was. i promise you, they'll explain it to you and then i'll laugh and send me a postcard and say i enjoyed the joke and send it to me. ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) so, shkreli had to give up his one-of-a-kind wu-tang record. which begs the question -- who has it? well, apparently, the album is now in attorney general jeff sessions' hands. ( laughter ) >> jon: what is he gonna do with that? has heard thisr but now, "the late show" is pleased to preseftip'$exclusive review of "once upon a time in shaolin," by jeff sessions. ( laughter ) good evening, ladies and
gentlemen. it is i, the old dirty attorney general, the killah, the thrillah, the jail cell fillah, jefferson beauregard raekwon sessions. after listening to the only existing copy of "once upon a time in shaolin", i am happy to report that it is an instant killa bees classic, with rhymes as crisp as an iced tea being longed for by an alabama chain gang. take it from me, a 71-year-old government employee, (bleep)! ( laughter ) ( piano riff )
help, secret service! ( laughter ) the wu tang's coming for me! ( laughter ) let me just end by saying, this album claps. ( laughter ) of course, i've always been a big supporter of the klan. also wu-tang. and poof, i'm gone. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. emily blunt is here. but when we return, i have the hottest cards for easter. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ race in to old navy! right now get up to fifty percent off the entire store. plus, get women's dresses from twelve dollars and girls' dresses from eight dollars, at old navy.
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my name is jamir dixon and i'm a locafor pg&e.rk fieldman most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg&e. my truck is something new... it's an 811 truck. when you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you don't hit them when you're digging. 811 is a free service. i'm passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. they're the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then i'll drive it every day of the week. together, we're building a better california. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, yes! >> stephen: welcome back,
everybody. jon, i know easter's coming because you've got the easter suit on right there. >> jon: you've got to have the easter vibes ready, you know what i'm saying? i'm feeling good. >> stephen: i like the springtime colors. you've got to let the easter bunny know where to find you. >> jon: that's right. easter is this sunday, when we christians celebrate our new birth into a living hope through christ's resurrection, by buying greeting cards at c.v.s. but even the best easter cards had to start somewhere, and the people who write them don't always nail it on the first try. which is why tonight we're taking a look at some early efforts in our segment, "first drafts!" >> no, no, stupid! ♪ >> stephen: all right! ( cheers and applause ) now the first thing, obviously, i need for first drafts is i need a helper. i need someone to come on stage with me. young lady, come up on the
stage. let's. go please have a seat. hold on one second. what is your name? >> jean jacobson. >> stephen: say hi to jean, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi. >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: we're celebrating easter. can i offer you a mimosa from our little buffet over here? >> sure. >> stephen: and how about an easter basket for you. you get to keep that. would you like that? >> it's my birthday on east snore it is? happy birthday. cheers and happy easter. >> thank you. ( applause ) >> stephen: slow down, jean. i'm a little hot. >> stephen: you're a little hot? >> yeah. >> stephen: well, what are you doing? new york? >> visiting. >> stephen: who are you visiting? >> first i went to iceland with my boyfriend. >> stephen: went to iceland
with your boyfriend? that sounds like a serious relationship. >> it is. >> stephen: it is? is he here? ( applause ) how long have you guys been going out? >> two. >> stephen: two years? two years. >> stephen: he's taking it more seriously than you are. >> two years. >> stephen: two years. okay. >> well, now that tv and everyone else knows. >> stephen: this is how you're announcing your relationship? >> yeah, to some people. >> stephen: to some people? ( laughter ) you don't have another boyfriend someplace, do you, jean? >> no. >> stephen: jean, have you ever seen first drafts? >> yes? >> stephen: i'll read a card and then we'll read the first draft. let me see the first card, please, jean.
this is cute, has the classic yellow peeps and says "happy easter to one of my peeps" and the other has the yellow peep on front but reads you're awfully soft and i think you have jaundice. ( laughter ) what's your name? >> jerry. >> stephen: jerry and jean? mm-hmm. >> stephen: you have to get married now. >> we've got the towels. >> stephen: you've got the towels? >> yeah. >> stephen: how messy does it get, jean? you need towels? keep it clean. all right. this year, easter actually falls on april fools day, so we have this card: the easter bunny saying "happy april fools, and easter!"
which is kind of cool. doing double duty. but the first draft was actually jesus saying "thought i was dead? april fools!" ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( applause ) got another one here? >> i do. >> stephen: have you seen the movie frozen? >> i have. >> stephen: did you like it? yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: why are you afraid to tell me that you liked it? >> i do like it. i just had a flashback of my friend's daughter singing "let it go" and tap dancing in the bathtub five hours. >> stephen: they eventually got her some help? >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. this one says, "happy easter from anna, elsa, and olaf!" but the first draft read, "you thought disney wouldn't put 'frozen' on an easter card? you are sadly mistaken!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) did you like it?
>> yes. >> stephen: where are you from? >> olympia, washington. >> stephen: i've never been. i hear it's so beautiful. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it always raining and wet there? >> no. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) that's all right, you don't have to yell. here's a nice one. it says, "may your spring be full of excitement and surprises!" all right. but the first draft read, "we have to go to the hospital, billy ate the plastic grass." >> oh. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're not allergic to candies or nuts or anything like that, are you? >> no. >> stephen: you're not? no. >> stephen: what do you mean? no. >> stephen: are you kidding? yeah. >> stephen: what are you doing going,çóñh -- you are so hot. ( applause )
you are a very attractive woman. don't be down on yourself, girlfriend. >> okay. >> stephen: she's a beauty. all right. >> okay. >> stephen: how strong is this relationship with this guy out here? ( laughter ) let's do the next car, shall we? are you having a good time? >> i'm having a wonderful time. >> stephen: i'm so glad you're hear. thank you for doing this. >> you've made my birthday. ( applause ) >> stephen: here's one that says, i hope the easter bunny brings you something sweet." very nice. but the first draft said, "diabetes is no laughing matter, karen." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> just two left. >> stephen: one, really. okay. >> stephen: one's a setup and one's the punch line. >> all right. we have one card left, stephen. >> stephen: thank you.
thank you! may i have the top card, please? our final card. here's a card that says spring is here, but the first draft said this was originally a pagan fertility special, wanna do it? ( laughter ) ( applause ) you give this to him. you give this to him. jean, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much! we'll be right back with emily blunt. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ come to my window ♪ ohh ♪ crawl inside ♪ wait by the light of the moon ♪ ♪ come to my window ♪ i'll be home soon ♪ ♪ i'll be home, i'll be home ♪ ♪ i'm coming home ♪ ♪ come to my window
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movie "a quiet place." please welcome emily blunt! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> very nice. >> stephen: well, we want to make it nice for you. >> right at home just then. >> stephen: how have you been? o good. >> stephen: you're a delightful person. >> well, that's nice. >> stephen: and you and your lovely husband john krasinski -- he's okay. you're really the draw, let's face it. we know you from "the devil wears prada," girl on the train, now you've got a quiet place and of course mary poppins. >> yes, down there. >> stephen: down here.
( applause ) >> slightly glittery eyes. >> stephen: a little glittery eye. >> a bit sinister. >> stephen: i always thought mary poppins seemed a little sinister to me. >> she's creepy. >> stephen: she is. she comes unannounced. she takes over the house. >> yeah. >> stephen: she supplants the father figure. >> absolutely. >> stephen: boom! she's out of there. >> she doesn't even say thank you and she's gone. >> stephen: yeah. but i loved doing it. it really was awesome. >> stephen: the disney lawyers are walking in behind you now. >> i'm about to get blow darted by them, yeah. >> stephen: some people who saw you in edge of tomorrow said i didn't know she did ac action movies. off long history of training for action movies because as a child, is this true, you did something called hamster
rescues. >> yes. >> stephen: what is a hamster rescue? a british thing we don't know about or -- >> one thing, you have to be really jacked for a hamster rescue. >> stephen: how old are we talking? >> eight. i was jacked at eight. i enjoyed dramatic role play games that my friends say that sounds lame. i had a lovely hamster called tellinger who probably died before he should have because of what i put him true. we would hide him under a sofa cushion and we would pretend the roof was coming in. get tigger, the roof is falling in! i would dive and rescue tigger and tigger would be just, like -- it was awful. >> stephen: were there adults watching you do this at the time? >> my mom had four kids. >> stephen: okay. he was, like, they sound like they're okay. >> stephen: because torturing
animals is one of the signs of a sociopath. generally we get those kids medication now. >> i know. >> stephen: well, i totally get that. >> you get it. >> stephen: and your friends did or did not like this? >> they kind of went along with it but i think they thought it was strange. >> stephen: okay. which you do as well. it's okay. >> stephen: no, anything you do sounds charming. ( laughter ) >> good. >> stephen: you're working with your husband. he wrote and directed a movie called "a quiet place" which is a horror film about a vaguely future place where there are -- >> species. >> stephen: -- species, monsters that are just snatching people who make any sound. >> yeah, they are highly acutely attracted to sound, so if you make noise, you're dead, basically. >> stephen: uh-huh, uh-huh. and are you good with horror? >> i mean, i don't particularly love horror movies, but i love this one because john wrote it,
number one, and it is amazing. >> stephen: yeah. and it was -- >> stephen: did he write it with you in mind? >> no, because when he pitched me the one-liner of it, because he had been offered it as an actor, and i thought that was an amazing idea, you should direct that movie, that's amazing, and then he wrote it, and then i previously suggested a friend of mine for the film, and then i read his script and i was, like, you need to fire her now. you need to call her and fire her. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we have a clip where you're being silent in a bathtub and why? >> because i'm in labor and i can't make a sound because there's some kind of hideous creature coming. >> stephen: outside and if you make a sound they will snatch you out of the bathtub and your newborn baby. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. jim? ( labored breathing )
( stairs creaking ) ( whimpering ) >> stephen: that -- that is -- no epidural or anything. >> nothing! >> stephen: wow. this is an apocalyptic world we're in. >> stephen: on the plus side you didn't have to learn any lines. >> isn't that great? yeah. >> stephen: you were cold on day one. >> that scene was funny because crew members were slightly disturbed by it and they were, like, male crew members who said this is not something i need to see and women were crossing their legs. >> stephen: are you going to allow your kids to see this? how old are they? >> four and almost two. >> stephen: the four -- he's ready for it, right?
( laughter ) >> stephen: totally. the things they learn in kindergarten now. is she off at school now? >> she's at school. talk about not being able to protect your kids like we do in "a quiet place," forget it. >> stephen: they go off. just when they're toilet trained and great company, schools go, we'll take them now. >> exactly. i was, like, she's so delightful. it was sitting with her and having a chat and i was, like, it's a nice older child time, some bonding time. we were talking about ponies and sweet things and she just looked at me and said, i'm going to smash your face in. and i went, what? and i won't say who taught her it. let's just say his name is bobby. >> stephen: observe. that's what bobby says, dad. well, bobby clearly has not
learned any manners and he makes bad decisions. but it was so sweet. >> stephen: if she starts abusing the hamster just get help. >> yeah, she's on that. she's on that. ( applause ) >> stephen: were you allowed to see scary things or inappropriate movies as a kid? >> my dad was always -- he was sent off to the video store and would come back with the most inappropriate films. >> stephen: the movies he wanted to see. >> and he would come home with "jaws" and "pretty woman." i was 9 or 10. it was so inappropriate. >> stephen: what did you think of it? >> i accepted it as that's how people interact. and the scene where she offers him the condoms, you know, when there are so many different colors and flavors, and i was, like, why -- oh, that's so cool, she's, like, giving him sweets to choose from.
and my dad would be like, yeah, yeah, absolutely. sweets. and he can choose which one he wanted. >> stephen: so he wasn't going to explain what donned ms are but he was fine with you watching a movie about a prostitute who's bought for the weekend by a billionaire. >> totally fine with it. he was explaining it to my mom, it will go over their heads. i was disturbed when i watched it later on in life and, oh, the condoms! >> stephen: yeah. it's an odd movie. it's not as strange as -- >> it's so good. >> stephen: it's so wonderful. it's so good. big mistake. huge, love it. the best. the best. ( applause ) so good. >> stephen: yes, yes. well, this is the part we'll edit out. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) we won't? we won't edit it out? that's also a disney movie.
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>> stephen: john, good to see you again, alex, nice to meet you. i was saying backstage, i can't believe all the years i have been making jokes about politics and going to political things i haven't met you. >> i have been hiding in the shadows waiting for this moment. >> stephen: that's usually where i hang out. let's geto the elephant in the room. the last time you were here, you were a guy. you were mark halperin who lost all his jobs because he was accused of sexual harassment. you were identified as being the show. >> donald trump's the president, right? >> stephen: that's what they tell me. >> i thought there was some question about whether in 2018 anything would be allowed on television aside from hannity and the fox morning show, that everything else would be banned. but you can't predict the future at this point. i thought the show, the strength
of it is the show. "the circus" is a unique way of covering politics. we did this realtime documentary every week. start monday, shoot for a week, put it on air sunday. the show and its approach to politics are bigger than any individuals on it. i believe that strongly. given the level of interest in politics right now, given the stakes the country is facing, i hope showtime would be willing to stick with the show and they were. >> stephen: realtime documentary, we used to call that tv news, a realtime documentary because that is what tv news is every day. >> it's all real. >> stephen: it's all real every day. how do you respond to what's going on in the news right now because we are not news but every day we talk about what's happening in the national conversation and 4:00 we have to change everything for that night's show, you guys are creating a documentary every week. what happens monday, by sunday night -- >> sunday night at 8:00 p.m. >> stephen: on sunday night, you're, like, wait, who can
remember what happened observe monday? >> that's exactly the point of "the circus." there are mental breakdowns on the part of the former trump administration officials that happen through the week. there are people who are hired, fired, hired and fired again. you need something at the end to have the week that distills what the hell just happened and puts it all into perspective. >> stephen: i have something distilled at the end of the week, it's bourbon. that puts everything in perspective for me. >> that's largely what fuels us in the saturday night edit of everything that's happened. >> stephen: do you think it's going to be all trump or is there any other big story many washington or has he swallowed every other story? >> in the 30 years i have been doing this, he has swallowed everything. he permeates all of our popular culture. everybody in the country is obsessed with donald trump whether they love or hate him. so is there another story? yeah, bob mueller, the other urn likely person, not elected official, but a guy who
bestrides the political world like a colossus because he is the person who could end donald trump. i cover a lot of special prosecutors. i never thought we would have one where people buy mueller-time t-shirts on amazon. ( laughter ) so he's become another pop culture. then there's the democratic resistance, so a lot to cover. >> stephen: how about stormy daniels? does that story matter? >> well, yeah, i think it matters in the sense that, you know, she has done something no one else has ever done before which is shut up donald trump. when someone attacks donald trump, he is a counterpuncher. >> stephen: ten times as hard. ten times ahard. apart from legal machinations, he's not talked about her on twitter or anything. he is clearly worried about what might happen if this case goes
to court and he gets deposed. it matters in the sense of political stakes. i also think it's captivating to people because we all find the private lives of these public officials incredibly fascinating and, in donald trump's case, the notion that he's sleeping with a porn star and telling her that she reminds him of his daughter, that's kind of a car crash quality to it you can't look away from. >> yeah. it is shakespearean-level drama. i think there is an act in hamlet where hamlet is asked whether he use add condom or not, right? >> stephen: i think it is. that is facetious, everyone. that is not actually part of "hamlet." just wanted to put a fine point on that. >> stephen: it's whether to cap the d or not cap the d. ( laughter ) 2018 midterms, people talking about a blue wave.
is there overblown or a real thing? >> we'll be looking on surf boards to see what color the wave is for this fall. >> i think it's interesting paul ryan, speaker of the house of representatives, raises more money than anyone, third in line for presidency, march 29th, the election is six away, the speaker of the house has not announced whether he's seeking reelection or not. that's unusual. he's the guy who's supposed to be running the house of representatives after republicans take control in republican theory, i think there are a lot of people in washington saying that guy is not running for reelection because he knows the republicans will lose the house of representatives and he doesn't want to be in the minority. >> stephen: he doesn't want to hand over the gavel in person. >> and you say i think paul ryan is seeing a blue wave coming and it might be coming.
>> everybody get the life raft. and a surfboard. >> stephen: when's the first episode of "the circus"? >> april 15, sunday night, 8:00 p.m. >> tax day! > we timed it perfectly. >> stephen: thanks so much for being here. season 3 of "the circus" premieres sunday april 15. alex's new book, "futureface" is out that same week! john heilemann and alex wagner, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by kacey musgraves. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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for a fraction of what you'd pay elsewhere. step one: get to ross. step two: walk out with top brands at big savings... ...at the ross spring shoe event. >> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be bryan cranston and president jimmy carter. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> welcome to "cbs this evening." >> james: it's the evening. it's cbs. it's "cbs this evening." >> good evening, everyone. the search continues. >> james: that's right, it's been nearly five days since this story was first reported. and with every additional day that passes, this is quickly becoming one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of our time. >> indeed. at this point, there are only