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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 1, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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tomorrow morning at 4-30. d kenny choi late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. have a great night. >> israel prime minister netanyahu documenting iran's past nuclear program, and claiming iran remains a nuclear threat, and to go it in english for an audience of one-- president trump. >> well, tonight i'm here to tell you iran lied. big time. let me further break this down for any american president watching. lying equals bad. now, i've been talking for nine seconds. let's stay focused. watch this porn woman on this golf course eating a taco bowl. ( band playing )
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kevin smith and musical guest paramore featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! hey, how are you? >> stephen: lovely! hey, how are you! wow! oh, my gosh. thank you, thank you for chanting my name. you know what i wanted for my birthday. thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, i don't know about you, but i've got a lot of things i'd ask donald trump, and now i know
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robert mueller does, too. because the succeedin' "new york times" got their hands on all the questions that robert mueller wants to ask president trump. oh, come on! don't print them. if trump sees the questions in advance, he'll cheat! "did i collude with the russians? well, obviously, i... did not." ( laughter ) is that what we're looking for?" apparently, in the beginning of march, mueller's team called trump's lawyers to give them a preview of the questions. the lawyers took notes, and then somehow those notes wound up at "the new york times." trump wants to pin the blame on mueller, but mueller's former assistant says grammatical errors in the document prove that the leaked questions came from the trump white house. the yeah, they weren't quite right. >> jon: they can't spell. ( applause ). >> stephen: there's something-- something about the way-- something about the way the questions were written that seems suspicious. one hint was question five, which said, "is trump be colluder?
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also this melania, please help!" ( laughter ) but trump is furious about this leak. this morning, he tweeted, "so disgraceful that the questions concerning the russian witch hunt were leaked to the media. no questions on collusion. oh, i see... you have a made-up, phony crime-- collusion-- that never existed, and an investigation begun with illegally leaked classified information. nice!" ( laughter ) did the president just use the word "nice" sarcastically? smart. ( laughter ) but he didn't stop there. he tweeted: yes, sir, it would seem hard, but you make it look easy. ( cheers and applause ) now, i've read the 49 questions
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that mueller has for trump, and they barely scratch the surface of what i want to know. so i'd like to submit some additional questions for mueller to ask the president. ( cheers and applause ) question 50: did you do it? ( laughter ) question 51: but, really, though, did you? question 52: would you rather fight one robert mueller-sized horse or 100 duck-sized robert muellers? and question 53: michael has 130,000 apples, and stormy has zero apples. if michael gives stormy 130,000 apples, why would he do that if you hadn't had sex with her? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) another guy i'm guessing mueller
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has questions for is trump's personal attorney and man with resting-indicted-face, michael cohen. given everything cohen knows about trump, it's no surprise that the president's supporters are worried he's going to flip. so i was shocked to see this week's front page of the trump-supporting "national enquirer": "trump fixer's secrets and lies!" what? are you telling me someone who works for donald trump lies? that is the most shocking "enquirer" headline since "bear craps in woods, pays taxes, then dies." here's the thing. here's the thing: the "enquirer" is owned by trump supporter and man whose mustache matches the drapes, david pecker. and sources say that pecker would not have allowed the publication of the story without the president's blessing. yes, the "national enquirer" is now an arm of the trump administration. but this isn't the first time a president has used a tabloid to get out of trouble. we all remember the famous weekly world news headline:
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"batboy breaks into watergate hotel. nixon proven innocent." ( laughter ) of course the other big news today is about iran. it's 11 days until trump has to decide if he's pulling out of the nuclear arms deal. so far, trump has been coy about what he's going to do. >> we'll see what happens. i'm not telling you what i'm doing, but a lot of people think they know. >> stephen: "but i'm not one of those people. ( laughter ) because i have no idea what i'm doing. no spoilers, please. don't tell me how the world ends. wait, do i turn out to be thanos?" people-- it's a very popular movie. people on both sides of the issue are trying to sway the president. and yesterday, we heard from israeli prime minister and guy at the home definitely sleeping with your grandma, benjamin netanyahu. netanyahu went on israeli tv--
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yesterday? yesterday. went on israeli tv to talk directly to donald trump and said that iran lied about their nuclear program and israel has proof. >> a few weeks ago, in a great intelligence achievement, israel obtained half a ton of the material inside these vaults. and here's what we got: 55,000 pages, another 55,000 files on 183 cds. >> stephen: that is the worst showcase showdown ever. ( laughter ) come on, bibi, throw in a jet ski or something! but here's the thing: none of this is new information. "most of what netanyahu said was already well known. the nuclear weapons research program he was discussing ended about 15 years ago." oh, so he did a big blockbuster reveal of information from 2003.
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i assume he also blew the lid off of "finding nemo," and the shocking report that "limp bizkit rulez." ( laughter ) -- there are three limp bizkit fans here tonight. and the administration doesn't deny that this is old news, according to white house press secretary and "wonderful woman, is that okay, maggie haberman?" sarah huckabee sanders. yesterday, she said, "these facts are consistent with what the united states has long known: iran has a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program." holy cow! iran has a nuclear weapons program! well, then, definitely get out of the deal. as soon as-- wait, i'm told that the white house has changed the word "has" to "had." oh, that's kind of different, like the difference between "has" chlamydia and "had" chlamydia. ( laughter )
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( applause ) something-- yes. a big difference. something to be careful about when you're typing up your tinder profile. the media has been unearthing a lot of stories that paint a bleak picture of the white house. but trump wants everybody to know that everything in the white house is going just fine. "the white house is running very smoothly, despite phony witch hunts, et cetera. there is great energy and unending stamina, both necessary to get things done." coincidentally, "great energy" and "unending stamina" are the names of the pills dr. ronny was passing out. ( laughter ) code names! allegedly. allegedly. >> jon: watch it, ronnie. >> stephen: and trump has unending stamina. just look at his schedule today. at 11:00 a.m., he had his intelligence briefing. 12:00 p.m., he's giving a trophy
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to a military academy football team. at 1:45 p.m., he's greeting the folks from the southwest airlines flight that had an emergency landing. and he's done around 2:00. it's like dolly parton says: ♪ workin' 11:00 to 2:00 what a way to run a nation ♪ just three things to do then it's basically vacation ♪ write a tweet or two just to add to the confusion ♪ and pray that they don't convict you of collusion ♪ ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. helen hunt is here. but when we return, another trump doctor bites the dust. stick around.
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rewards me basicallyaptain everywhere.obvious and so why am i stomping grapes with aerobics enthusiasts near this b&b? because lets me do me. mmm. foot juice. you do you and get rewarded. kyle, we talked about this. there's no monsters. but you said they'd be watching us all the time. no, no. no, honey, we meant that progressive would be protecting us 24/7. we just bundled home and auto and saved money. that's nothing to be afraid of. -but -- -good night, kyle. [ switch clicks, door closes ] ♪ i told you i was just checking the wiring in here, kyle. he's never like this. i think something's going on at school. -[ sighs ] -he's not engaging. i think something's going on at school. (music) [glass squeaking]
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brought both parties together to balance the state budget with record investments in public schools... and new career training programs. as mayor of la, he brought police and residents together to get illegal guns off the streets and keep kids out of gangs, and on the right path. that's antonio villaraigosa. a governor for all of california.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. that's the band! ( cheers and applause ) jon. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: you know i'm pretted excited about tonight's guest. we have helen hunt, who i'm a huge fan of. >> jon: i'm looking forward to that. good conversation. >> stephen: i'm also excited tomorrow-- is this tomorrow night-- we have stormy daniels' lawyer, michael avenatti is going to be here. yeah. stormy is here tonight. one person clapping. and he's tenacious. he's tenacious. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: he's never going to stop. he's never going to stop at all. >> jon: you ready for him? you read ready for him? >> stephen: i'm ready. i have no skill tons in my closet. are you ready for him, jon? >> jon: oh, i'm clean as the board of health, baby ( applause ).
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>> stephen: good, i believe you. i absolutely believe you. >> jon:, you know,. >> stephen: you're a good man. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: foiks, let's go on with the show. over the last week, we've talked a lot about trump's former nominee to head the v.a., dr. ronny jackson. after allegations that dr. johnson or jackson-- is it johnson or jackson? jackson? he's laeg soon. it doesn't matter how i pronounce his name. dr. jackson-- it's short for johnson-- was passing out bills at the white house, he withdrew from the nomination, and he won't return to his old job as trump's physician. he wants to spend more time with his family, lying about how much they weigh. but there's an obvious candidate ready to step in. trump's long-time personal physician-- hello! and stolen stereo equipment dealer, harold bornstein. bornstein-- bornstein!
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became famous after he wrote a one-page letter vouching for trump's fitness that stated, "if elected, mr. trump, i can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." i don't think donald trump is even the healthiest individual named donald trump! ( laughter ) after that, bornstein told "the new york times" that trump takes propecia, a drug often prescribed to stimulate hair growth in men. now, taking hair-growth drugs is not something trump should be embarrassed about. he should be angry that they do not work. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, we all-- we all had fun with the story, and we assumed that trump did, too, until today, when bornstein announced that two days after he talked about the propecia, trump's bodyguard and lawyer raided his office and took the president's medical files. wait-- they muscled their way into trump's doctor's office to steal evidence that donald trump
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is going bald? they know we can see, right? ( laughter ) are they also going to take away wind? ( laughter ) goons took everything, including the original and only copy of trump's charts, including lab reports under trump's name, as well as under the pseudonyms his office used for trump. yes they got the files under all pseudonyms: john barron. david dennison. horny daniels. and bornstein told reporters he didn't understand why trump did it. >> they must have been here for 25 or 30 minutes. it created a lot of chaos. i couldn't believe anybody was making a big deal about a drug that's to grow-- to grow his hair, which seemed to be so important. and it certainly is not a breach of medical trust to tell
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somebody they take propecia to grow their hair. what's the matter with that? >> stephen: "yeah, what's the big deal about revealing somebody's personal medical data? you would think he'd be much more chill, what with all the xanax he's been popping." but perhaps the saddest detail of this story is when trump's thugs saw this photo of bornstein and trump in the waiting room, and they asked him to take it off the wall. damn-- when trump breaks up with a friend, he goes full middle school girl! "i'm taking back that picture of us at six flags. i don't want britney seeing it and thinking i'm a loser like you, okay. we call you pizza face." at her press conference today, sarah huck-a-sanders insisted this wasn't a big deal. but "bornstein said he was not given a form authorizing the release of the records and signed by the president, which is a violation of patient privacy law." telling another reporter: "sweetheart, this is watergate. goodbye!" watergate?
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forget propecia. when he says, that i feel like bornstein just prescribed me viagra. we'll be right back with helen hunt. ♪ it's your thing ♪ ♪ do what you want to do (whoosh, explosion) rocket mortgage by quicken loans makes the complex simple... (high-pitched whir) you super hero levels of confidence. (explosion)
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(baby crying) ♪ fly ♪ me to the moon (elegant music) ♪ and let me play (bell rings)
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welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an oscar and emmy award-winning actress you know from "as good as it gets" and "mad about you." please welcome helen hunt. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, thanks for coming on. >> i'm very excited to be here. i watch you every night.
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>> stephen: oh, that's nice. >> i watched you every night before. i'll watch youive -- >> stephen: before i had a tv show? >> no, on your other tv show. >> stephen: okay. >> i just want to say i love your show. and i onlection night, i had my daughter and friends, and it was going to be a big high-five, and then it went a different way. and you had a nervous breakdown, sort of. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) alcohol-fueled-- >> was it really? >> stephen: alcohol-fueled existential crisis. >> well, i appreciated it. there's that saying, "an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal." >> stephen: oh, sure. >> that's what i felt was happening, and it helped me. maybe i released some of the my breakdown out to you. i'm only half kidding. i really appreciated it. >> stephen: i'm glad. >> and i continue to appreciate that you're sort of on fire, because it's the appropriate-- ( cheers and applause ) reaction. >> stephen: yeah. >> i thank you. >> stephen: thank you! thanks for watching.
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thanks for watching. >> please don't-- please don't calm down. >> stephen: i won't. >> okay, good. >> stephen: here's the thing is, i think we're all on fire. >> i'm on fire. >> stephen: and part of my job is to look at my arms and go, "oh, yeah, flames." >> i appreciate it. >> stephen: the feelings. i want to thank you because i got married in 1993, and-- >> you're welcome. >> stephen: yes. that was "mad about you." "mad about you," that was the big breakout year. and my wife and i, as a young married couple, like, we were eat ago what did you have back then? the snackwells, fat-free cookies? remember those? they were everywhere. >> cookie? fat-free. >> stephen: we would watch "mad about you," and eat our fat-free cookies, and you guys on screen, you and paul risener, we were like, "that's us! >> i'm so glad to hear that. >> stephen: another big show from the 90s "roseanne" has made a comeback. what about "mad about you"? i think it's time. ( applause ).
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>> it would be very fun. paul riser is one of my dearest friends. we have lunch once every few months, anyway, and now if we could find the right home that would want to do it the way we want to do tit would be great fun. i hope it happens. i'm not being coy. people say, "they're being coy." i don't know if anybody wants it. >> stephen: do it here on cbs. >> could you make some calls i could come back and promote "mad about you," which would be great. >> stephen: that would be wonderful. i would love it. maybe i could do a guest star. >> now oouf said it. so now you have to do it. >> stephen: oh, i would do it in a minute. >> okay, good. >> stephen: can my wife come, too. >> yes! >> stephen: my wife could come, too, and that's it. our marriage would be full circle and we would start over again. there's something i just find out about you that endears you to me in ways that i didn't think were possible to increase is that you're a science fiction fans. >> "star wars" fan. >> stephen: "a star wars" fan.
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here you are with a blind daerkt or something like that. there you go. >> i briefly dated a storm trooper. it didn't work out. but whatever. it's okay. >> stephen: how would you raise the kids? >> christmas and hanukkah. okay, so i'm a crazyue don't even understand-- i wanted to get a rebel alliance tattoo, but my daughter said, no. >> stephen: why? your daughter-- >> she said no. >> stephen: why did your daughter say no. did you draw it on first? >> no, i had it henna tattooed on. >> stephen: you were gog make this permanent. >> yeah, i wanted to. but she said, "exwwhen i'm 18, u can do what you want." she actually said that. >> stephen: so your daughter is raising you well. >> a little bit. she's shooe has a very level head, and it's usually right, so i'm doing what she says. >> stephen: does she have a tattoo? you don't have to answer that. >> no. what if she did. that would be weird.
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no, she doesn't, and i don't, either, because she won't let me. >> stephen: are you-- are you a lifelong-- >> you seem like you don't believe i'm a real fan. but i'm a super geek fan. >> stephen: i don't-- i don't disbelieve, but i want to know when this started. like were you-- >> the day "star wars" opened i was there. >> stephen: the very first one? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: in 1977. >> i paid my money 10 times. and my 16th birthday was waiting in line all day to see "the empire strikes back." >> stephen: when were you when i was in high school? >> where were you when i was in high school. >> stephen: i went with roy and hatchel and i would love to have gone with helen hunt. there were no girls. there were no girls to go with me in the time. >> well, i was there. so on my 16th birthday, we were waiting in line, all day. and -- >> stephen: for which one? >> "empire strikes back." >> stephen: okay, sorry. >> and some jerk drove by who had just come out of the theater and ideal, "darth vader is you
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know whowho knows what" in case there are young people watching. >> stephen: 30 years is too late. >> i'm not going to be the one to wreck it. he wrecked the whole thing. i heard it and my parents did but i knew. what jerk was that, do you think? >> stephen: it wasn't me. i took a date. that was one of the first girls i ever asked out was to see that. i asked weezy condor out. you know weezy. >> that's a great name. >> stephen: isn't it a great name? it was a good date. >> how did it go? >> stephen: good. we went to burger king afterwards. i first knew of your work at a very young age because i was a huge fan of abc after-school specials. >> yes. >> stephen: and you were in one that really changed my life. >> i can only imagine. >> stephen: it was called "desperate lives." and it was one of your most significant roles. and it was the about the
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dairchlers of angel dust. ( laughter ) serious business, folks. let's take a look right here. >> are you sure it's okay? >> trust me. just call it an experiment. ( sniffs ). >> awesome. ( screaming ) >> stephen: what i like about that clip-- ( cheers and applause ) you're fine! you hit the ground! you're fine? >> you must have your version of "desperate lives" somewhere. aren't there embarrassing credits? >> stephen: none. what i love is how convincing that is. did you do an angel dust ride-along. how did you-- you're very method. >> the script said, "she jumps out a window," so i went. >> stephen: what i like about
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it is you're blond when you take the angel dust and it turns your head brunette when you jump out the window, and it's blond when you hit the ground again. >> it's probably a guy in a wig. i don't remember. i was on angel dust. i don't remember. >> stephen: you've got a new movie. it's out on netflix. it's called "candy jar." >> yes. >> stephen: again it's about high school. >> yes. >> stephen: you're a counselor who counsels. >> you see it, did you? >> stephen: i have not seen it yet. i'm saving it for after i see the rest of the "star wars" movie. what is it about? >> it's a beautiful movie about two very smart high school juniors who arementing to get into ivy league schools and so stressed about it, they can barely function. which is an epidemic. stevteen stress. it's don't forget to enjoy your life. and even if you don't get into the place you want, your life might take a turn you don't expect. >> stephen: jim.
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>> when i started working here, that wall was empty. that bookcase was empty. and the kids like you left. and they got into their dream school. or they didn't. but all of them went on to do stuff, make stuff, and so they sent me stuff. and i'm not sure, but i think that's a life. >> stephen: that's a nice counselor. i wish i had a counselor like that. >> me, too ( applause ) >> stephen: you know, i was wondering, like, that counselor character, what would she say to a troubled student like this? ( screaming ) everything's just going to work out? >> yeah. >> stephen: everything is just going to be fine? >> yeah, it will all be fine in
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the end. >> stephen: well, good luck getting to the next "star wars" movie. and please "mad about you." please "mad about you." >> thank you so much. >> stephen: because i'm mad about you. thank you so much, helen. thank you for being here. "candy jar" is out now on netflix. helen hunt, everybody! we'll be right back with kevin smith. join us, won't you? that blows them all out of the water. hydro boost water gel from neutrogena®. with hyaluronic acid it goes beneath the surface to plump skin cells from within and lock in hydration leaving skin so supple, it actually bounces back. the results will blow you away! hydro boost and our gentle exfoliating cleanser from neutrogena®
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as a meteor headsnderway toward the metro area. go, go, go, go, go! we can fit more! there's still more room! we gotta go. juicer! we don't have a juicer! the volkswagen tiguan. it fits everything you need, and everything you don't.
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nto hp more californians get ahead. that's why antonio villaraigosa brought both parties together
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to balance the state budget with record investments in public schools... and new career training programs. as mayor of la, he brought police and residents together to get illegal guns off the streets and keep kids out of gangs, and on the right path. that's antonio villaraigosa. a governor for all of california. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, boyses and girls my next guest is a one-man entertainment industry who created "clerks," "mallrats," and "jay and silent bob strike back." please welcome back to the show, kevin smith! ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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>> i can't speak to the rest of the world but i know there's one happy person watching the show tonight. my mother texted me and said, "where are you tiger." i said, "i'm about to be on "the colbert' show. and she said make sure they say your name right. it's very easy, because it's kevin smith. a the lot of people call me kevin james. i have fans come up, "kevin james!" >> stephen: that's a compliment. he's "the king of queens." >> did i tell you i had a heart attack. i had a heart attack. >> stephen: i was going to say you're looking fit and trim. but that's because you had a heart attack. don't applaud the heart attack, please. >> you can applaud the heart attack. it was the greatest thing that happened to me. >> stephen: it was in the middle of a stand-up set. >> we were shooting two shows -- >> stephen: and it's called by
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the way "silent but deadly." >> which was the name of the show before the heart attack. but after the heart attack i was like, "we gotta keep it now." and "kevin can wait" was taken by the other guy. so i did the show. it was supposed to be an hour, wound up being two hours. and after the show i started feeling unwell, and i chased people out of my dressing room. jason's wife runs our company, and i chased her out. and emily, wait for it, who does my hair, was there as well. >> stephen: she does that. >> you can believe it? she does this part. i was like, "hey, man, can you guys get out? i don't feel that well." when i'm sick i i want to go out into the woods like an animal and die. i laid down on the floor. won't up throwing up. i like to tell the story not because it's juicy but because i didn't know what a heart attack symptom was. i was a child of the 70sand grew up on "sanford and son." i had the sweats, and breathing
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heavy -- >> stephen: did you get the classic pain down the arm? >> none of that. none of the things you look for. that's why i like to tell the story. everybody looks for the arm going out. essentially, i sweated more. i sweat when i breathe so that didn't seem like a symptom. at one point, they kept asking me to cancel the next show, and i said, "i just need to lay down." and i felt worse and i said, "maybe we should cancel the show." and they said, we did the." and i said, "don't cancel the show. it will make me look weak." and they said, "you are weak. we called the ambulance." six brawny firemen come in, and four of them were young, so they were look at me like, "is that "silent bob?" and i was sitting there holding up my hands because i thought that would help. i couldn't breathe. they were like, "is silent bob scoring a goal?" and the paramedics came in, they're cute, the bobbsey twins a guy and a girl.
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they said, "we're going to take your blood pressure." and the woman with the fishing tackle box said we're gog put these wires on you. and i was sitting in the chair like this, this was 32 pounds ago. i don't like sitting up because if this shirt came off all the rolls come out. and she said, "i have to put the leads on you." and i said, okay. and all of a sudden she yanks up my shirt and i said "whoa!" there are a lot of people in this room including my best friend's wife, and she's never seen my breasts. she said i have to get these wires on. i said i'll reach under it and you can use my nipples as a guide post. and the guy said we're going to take you to the hospital. just to be sure. it's so close. and he said, "you have ever been to the hospital before?" i had visited people. and i said, "to be honest, no." and he said, "you're going to have a good time." he started selling is it. and i got excited.
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they have these chairs in ambulances-- i have never been in one. they turn into a bed. it's i transformer. he said we want to you get in this chair. six brawny firemen came and picked me up and they put me in the chair. and it was the most fun i've had in yiers. ( laughter ) because, like, i'm a big person. nobody tries to pick me up. but when you get picked up, it's fun, man. so when they got me in the chair, i was like, "one more time!" but they had no time. so they brought me to the hospital and wheel me into the emergency room. the whole time i'm chill. the guy said, the medic, the paramedic, said, "you're being real calm." that will get you through is w.e your life." and i was like what does that mine. and we got to the e.r., and the dude saves my life. -- i hadn't met him until that point and now i want to marry him. he was like, "how are you?" i said, "i can't catch my breath." and he says, "that's because you're having a massive heart
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attack." and i said no. doc, honestly, i just smoked too much weed this morning. that's what this is. >> stephen: did you really think you were too high? >> i honestly thought i was too high. i smoked a bunch of weed and smoked a joint right before the show and got off the stage and i had a heart attack. and i asked my doctor, i hate to ask this question, "i did have a heart attack because of the weed because i smoked a joint before the show." he said, "no, qiept the opposite. that weed saved your life." "do tell, man. what do you mean?" ( cheers and applause ) he goes-- he goes, "that joint--" he said, "you kept calm. they told you you were having a massive heart attack and you remained calm the whole time. so that joint saved your life." and i was like, ei'm putting that on a t-shirt. i'm in the emergency room. and they said, "we're going to send you upstairs to the o.r., because we have to go up through the groin to look at your femoral artery. >> stephen: right away. >> right away.
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"i can't take any chances." i was chatting. and he said, "you're very chatty." this dude comes in with a bucket and it has a schaeffer in it and stuff. and he said the doctor needs to go to work and we have to take you to the o.r., and i have to shave your groin. i took my jorts off and left my underwear on. my number one fear, i was terrified of dying, like everybody, that's my number one fear. my second fear right behind that one is people seeing my (bleep). at that point, when you're in the hospital, exponentially increases the chances of both of those things glaepg sure, maybe at the same time. >> exactly! so the guy goes-- he looks at me and goes, "you have to take your underwear off." i said i'm not taking my underwear off. and he said, "i have to shave your groin." i said, "what is the groin to you?" he said it's there. and i said, "i'll pull the underwear over and give you a landing stp and you can get to
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work." he said, "i don't have time for this." i said, "they just toild me i am having a heart attack and you make me take my underwear off in front of these people i'll have a second one." the doctor said, "why is he in his underwear." and the guy who just saifd me said, "he won't take them off." i said, "i have body shame issues and my junk is small." he said, "we don't have time for this." and he takes my underwear off of me like we're in a 70s porno. and i said, "you have your will of me." >> stephen: did the music start playing? >> totally. it was hot. i was wearing my jersey, like a hockey jersey, as always. even though they were pumping me full of drugs, i had the presence of mind to tell them a lie. i didn't want to lose all my clothes. i was afraid of being naked. the last time i was fully naked was when i was in an emergency room. he said, "take that shirt off." and i said, you can't, doc. this is my lucky hockey jirsy."
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and somebody should have pointed out, "you had a heart attack in this lurky jersey." and he said, "cut it off of him." the man update me-- which sounded dirtier than i meant it. he said you're 100% blocked. 100% occluded. let me tell you, something, you're a comic book guy. i said, year, i like comics. this is while i was on the table. the artery that's blowngd, the l.a.d., they call it a widow maker. in 8% of the cases of 100% blockage, people die. but you're going to be in the 20% because i'm good at what i do. and then he disappeared into my crotch, and he saved my life, man! so-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you. so i just honestly, like, i give him all the credit. , but like, there was a little fight in me because i was at peace. i was actually, like, if this is the end. this is the end.
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i had a great life. i wasn't trying to bargain with god or something like that. i'm sure god would be like, "you made dogma. go to hell." for me i laid there and thought about what a great life i had and stuff. the only-- i'll be honest with you it's only reason i struggled, the reason i sat there on the table and did everything he said and willed myself back to life was because i was like, "i have to be on 'colbert' in two months, man." and here i am today. >> stephen: we could not be happier. i'm sorry i didn't have time to get to a question. >> no worry s. >> stephen: but please come again, and i will ask you something. >> stephen: "silent but deadly" premieres may 11 on showtime. kevin smith, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by paramore. ♪you've got a friend in me
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celebrate friendship and beyond at the first ever pixar fest with all new fireworks and your favorite park parades. only at disneyland resort. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: now performing "rose-colored boy" from their album, "after laughter," ladies and gentlemen, paramore! ( cheers and applause ) five-four-three-two-one ♪ ♪ ng with me and my weather
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♪ ♪ ♪ low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather ♪ rose-colored boy i hear you making all that noise ♪ about the world you want to see ♪ and oh, i'm so annoyed 'cause i just killed off what was left of ♪ the optimist in me ♪ oo, but hearts are breaking and wars are raging on ♪ and i have taken my glasses off ♪ you got me nervous i'm right at the end of my rope ♪ a half empty girl don't make me laugh, ♪ i'll choke ♪ just let me cry a little bit longer ♪ i ain't gon' smile if i don't want to ♪ hey man, we all can't be like you ♪ i wish we were all rose- colored, too
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♪ my rose-colored boy ♪ low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather ♪ i want you to stop insisting that i'm not ♪ a lost cause 'cause i've been through a lot ♪ really all i've got is just to stay pissed off ♪ if it's all right by you ♪ but hearts are breaking the wars are raging on ♪ and i have taken my glasses off ♪ you got me nervous and you're turning it into a joke ♪ a half empty girl don't make me laugh, i'll... ♪ just let me cry a little bit longer ♪ i ain't gon' smile if i don't want to ♪ hey, man we all can't be like you ♪ i wish we were all rose- colored, too ♪ my rose-colored boy
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ leave me here a little bit longer ♪ i think i wanna stay in the car ♪ i don't want anybody seeing me cry now ♪ you say "we gotta look on the bright side" ♪ i say "well, maybe if you wanna go blind" ♪ you say my eyes are getting too dark now ♪ but boy, you ain't ever seen my mind ♪ just let me cry a little bit longer ♪ i ain't gon' smile if i don't want to ♪ hey, man we all can't be like you ♪ i wish we were all rose- colored, too ♪ my rose-colored boy ♪ just let me cry a little bit longer ♪ i ain't gon' smile if i don't want to ♪ i know we all can't be like you ♪ i wish we were all rose- colored, too
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♪ my rose-colored boy ♪ low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather ♪ low-key, no pressure, just hang with me and my weather ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you can catch paramore on their live nation summer tour! we'll be right back. paramore, everybody! ( cheers and applause )
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we can now use a blood sample toh care, target lung cancer more precisely. if we can do that, imagine what we can do for asthma. and if we can stop seizures in epilepsy patients with a small pacemaker for the brain, imagine what we can do for multiple sclerosis, even migraines. if we can use patients' genes to predict heart disease in their families, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. imagine what we can do for you.
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>> stephen: well that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jim gaffigan, michael avenatti, andavid chang. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh


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