tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 23, 2018 11:35pm-12:35am PDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> this summer, set your doomsday clock to love. one was a crazy dictator with a wild hairdo. the other was pretty much the same thing. they couldn't stand each other! >> rocket man should have been handled a long time ago. >> kim called the president a dotarred and mentally deranged. >> until the threat of nuclear war finally brought them together. it turns out the one zone they can demilitarize is their hearts. now the only question is, "will they or won't they?" ♪ cruel to be crime in the right measure ♪ cruel to be kind it's the very design ♪ cruel to be kind means that i love you ♪ .
>> the sumility. find out june 12 if there is one. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight spygate gate. plus, stephen welcomes jason bateman stephen king and musical guest jim james featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: woooo! hey! how are you? >> stephen: thank you, sir! thank you very much! please, sit down, everybody! thank you very much. welcome, in here out there, all the ships at sea.
welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, can you feel the greatness in the air tonight? because right now, as we tape the show, president trump is in new york city having dinner with supporters. well, it's new york, so supporter. ( laughter ) bon appetit, sean hannity. ( laughter ) mwah! of course, we all know the big story today-- last two days. trump is calling the one informant that the f.b.i. used to find out if the trump campaign was colluding with the russians, "a nest of spies." and the reviews are in on this thriller. "new york magazine" raves, "trump's f.b.i. spy theory is completely insane." cnn says, "donald trump turned a rumor into a full-blown government conspiracy in just five days," and "the new jersey star ledger" adds, "trump stands in middle of 5th ave., shoots american justice."
>> jon: wow! that's messed up! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank god she was blindfolded. ( laughter ) but today, trump gave his conspiracy a nickname. >> a lot of bad things have happened. we now call it "spygate." you're calling it spygate! >> stephen: no, we're not. ( laughter ) "a," a criminal investigation is not spying. it should be "investigate-gate." and "b," spygate has already been used-- twice: once to describe the "public identification of valerie plame as a c.i.a. officer," and for "the new england patriots videotaping of new york jets coaches' signals." well, as long as we're just stealing other scandals' names, from now on, "watergate" is the fact that trump can't drink one-handed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪
of course, trump also tweeted about his made-up spy thing, "look how things have turned around on the criminal deep state. they go after phony collusion with russia, a made-up scam, and end up getting caught in a major spy scandal, the likes of which this country may never have seen before! what goes around, comes around!" donald trump, you, for one, should not be talking about "what goes around, comes around." you are living proof karma doesn't exist. i'm sorry. namaste! i am sorry! ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry to break it to you, hindus. it's a lawless universe devoid of hope. the stars blindly run. the leash is off. let's all go baby-slapping. ( laughter )
late last night-- last night? trump blew the lid off the deep state's plan, tweeting, "if the person placed very early into my campaign wasn't a spy put there by the previous administration for political purposes, how come such a seemingly massive amount of money was paid for services rendered-- many times higher than normal-- dot, dot, dot." dot, dot, dot-- follow the money! the spy was there early in the campaign, and yet never reported collusion with russia, because there was no collusion. he was only there to spy for political reasons and to help crooked hillary win." yes, follow trump down the rabbit hole here, okay. they embedded a spy early on and paid him massive sums of money to sabotage the trump campaign with false claims of russian collusion in the press to help hillary clinton win. and then-- and here's the insidious part-- they didn't tell the press and hillary clinton lost, so when trump
revealed this plot, he'd seem like a desperate criminal spinning conspiracy theories to stop the walls from closing in. nice try, deep state. nice try. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: nice try. nice try. get it out! >> stephen: but trump is confident it will all be resolved tomorrow when republican congressmen trey gowdy and republican congressman devin nunes go to the f.b.i. to look at the evidence that launched the investigation. >> they'll all be in the room tomorrow. we'll see what happens. what i want is i want total transparency. wait, you have to have transparency. >> reporter: and democrats? >> even they probably want transparency, because this issue supersedes a party. this supersedes republicans and democrats. so what i want from rod, from
the f.b.i., from everybody, we want transparency. >> stephen: "yes, we want total transparency, like releasing tax returns-- except not that! i'll tell you what, you know, you know-- look, look, note, wait, this is important, wait, wait. you know those one-way mirrors on cop shows where the cops can see the criminal but the criminal can't see the cops? we want the opposite of that." "and listen, believe-- believe-- believe me, this is above party, but i'm only letting republicans in, okay? that may not be transparent, but those guys are so white, they're at least translucent. okay. look, look, i just-- i just-- look. i--" i give him this: we are getting transparency because it is easy to see through that (bleep). i can say that right? ( cheers and applause ) i can't say that?
now, some of you may not have seen trump's tweets blowing the lid off of what we're calling "stupidgate." you're calling it stupidgate. because many of you, it turns out, are blocked by trump on twitter. but all that's over, because this afternoon, a federal judge ruled that "trump can't block people on twitter." ( cheers and applause ) yes, yes. freedom of speech! freedom of speech! so for those of you who can once again read donald trump's tweets: congratulations, and i am so sorry. so from now on, if trump wants to send messages exclusively to his supporters, he'll have to do that on his etsy page. ( laughter ) here's the deal, here's the deal-- this is why they ruled this way. the court ruled that the comment section of trump's personal twitter account is a public forum, so blocking users is unconstitutional. well, you can't blame trump for not knowing that. the constitution is basically america's user agreement.
nobody reads the whole thing. just read "we the people" and click "accept." weirdly-- weirdly-- ( applause ) this decision only applies to future blocking, because the judge declined to issue an order forcing trump to unblock any users, saying her ruling should be sufficient to force a change in behavior. you're adorable. ( laughter ) i just-- you can't teach an old dog new tricks, especially when he's an old dog who pays for tricks. ( laughter ) ( applause ) dog lovers. a lot of dog lovers. >> jon: they love a dog. who let the dog up on the, woof. >> stephen: of course, most shocking of all, we just found out that "trump's staff ghostwrites some of his tweets." so even his lies are lies? is there nothing left to believe
in? are the housewives even real? ( laughter ) and to fool us into thinking the most powerful man in the world authored these tweets, the aides "purposely-- purposely add typos." and these aides are good. the white house only hires the smartest cats to walk across the president's keyboard. ( applause ) but i can't help but feel personally betrayed, sir, because every time trump tweets something with random punctuation and capitalization, i have to figure out how to read it in a trump voice. and now i've got to ask myself, was the president really "sad!" was he truly feeling, "dot, dot, dot, dot"? it's so dishonest. i mean, i would never come out here and read a bunch of words i didn't write myself! "act outraged." "pause for effect."
( cheers and applause ) "hold for applause." of course, these tweets might also not even be coming from trump's staff. they might be coming from hackers, "because trump uses a white house cellphone that isn't equipped with sophisticated security features that potentially exposes him to hacking or surveillance." this is incredibly dangerous. for pete's sake, to host this show, i have to let cbs install an app on my cell phone to secure my work email. and the biggest secret i have access to is young sheldon's real age. ( laughter ) ( whispering ) he's 47. it's sad. ( laughter ) and unlike previous presidents, the phone that trump uses to make calls has a camera and microphone, which creates a risk that hackers could use it tossim
but trump has declined, saying it's "too inconvenient." how? all you have to do is sit there and have a new phone handed to you. the rest of us have to go to verizon, track down a roaming staff member, and then spend half a day trying to correctly apply the screen protector until we give up and say, "well, i guess that hair is in there forever now. it looks like a crack! we've got a great show for you tonight. jason bateman is here. but when we return, there's a hole at the white house, dear liza, dear liza. stick around. "you can't choose our ge your neighbors, with a but you can choose your premium finish." ooooh you got the black stainless. sleek. -thanks. i need your help with the backsplash. there are lots of ladies at miss bennet's. that's nice sweetie. maybe something stone or... three pizza guys just showed up. now the pizza guys just took off their shirts.
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there, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) oh, my goodness. >> jon: what's happening. >> stephen: i got a little tickle. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: i got a little tickle in thigh throat. i have a little springtime allergy, i think. >> jon: when did that come up. >> stephen: seconds ago. midmonologue pure professional to get through it. >> jon: you're a warrior, baby. >> stephen: i'm professional to the core. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: you can take a core sample. you can take a coal sample of stephen colbert and count the levels of professionalism right there. now, this just in from the department of obvious metaphors: a sinkhole has appeared on the white house lawn. it's true. it finally happened: the earth is fighting back. ( cheers and applause ) good for you, momma earth. good for you! the white house is addressing the problem by throwing a green-painted board over it. let's see.
what board? i just see grass. you know what they say, "it's never the sinkhole. it's always the cover-up." a california geologist and volcanologist explained that sinkholes form as a result of "fluids interacting with solids and gravity taking effect," not the gates of hell opening. are we sure about that? ( laughter ) there's only one way to find out. joining us now from hell, live via satellite, the devil. give it up for the devil, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) now, pruns of darkness, thank you for joining us. >> no problem, stephen. what up, amigo? >> stephen: you can talk to us about this sinkhole? >> sure, i have a couple of minutes for you between broiling stall and i know coming up with a new plot for the "transformers." >> stephen: so is this
sinkhole you're doing? >> oh, here, no. i don't want to get mixed up with donald trump. have you seen thatwhat they did to michael cohen. i don't need mueller on my ass. i run a legitimate business. >> stephen: i guess that's settled. >> while i have you here, did you hear yanny or laurel. >> stephen: i heard laurel. >> haha! you fool! i'll see you down here, soon. >> stephen: satan, everybody. we'll be right back with jason bateman. ♪ i like it, i love it,
marshall tuck will change that. in california, 3 million kids can't read at grade level. tuck turned around struggling schools, raising graduation rates over 60%. marshall tuck for state superintendent. marshall tuck. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest from the "horrible bosses" movies and "ozark." and next week, he returns for the fifth season of "arrested development." >> you don't happen to know the
license plate of the car he drives, do you? >> his license plate number? no, i don't. i barely know my own license plate-- tasus-tart. >> a new start. >> if you saw it written out-- i don't think-- let me try this one-- analrap-- well, it doesn't matter. listen, i gotta go. >> stephen: please welcome jason bateman! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: the lovely and talented jason bateman. nice to see you. how you been? >> that is day-making nice. thank you. >> stephen: their response is day-making nice?
>> their response is day-making nice. it's a day-making level. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like to say i work with the nicest people in show business, these people out here. >> he says that every night. >> stephen:a yeah. it's true every night, though. now, listen-- ( laughter ) listen, i understand you have something to answer for. last night, you were in a taxi fender-bender, with will arnett. it's all over-- it's over the t.m.z. >> lady will arnett. >> stephen: the way it is described is a taxi fender-bender with will arnett. was he driving the taxi or was he in the taxi with you? >> canadians don't know how to drive. no, no! >> stephen: how many canadians tonight? ( cheers and applause ) this is not the night. this is not the night. >> you gotta let me finish. >> stephen: go ahead. >> says will arnett. the guy grew up there and he said, "thank god i'm an american
citizen now." he has dual citizenship. "these people don't know how to drive up here." >> stephen: you threw arnett under the bobsled. how did this happen? you're in a cab with him? >> so we're in a cab. we're on our way to have dinner. >> stephen: why are you in a cab? two big stars like you, why aren't you in a town car? why aren't you in an escalade? why aren't you scriplining across manhattan? why in a taxi. >> we were keeping it real, yo. i think that's what the kids were saying. >> stephen: is that canadian. >> yoeh? so we're on our way to dinner. will is in the back seat with my wife-- haha. and his buddy. and they throw -- >> stephen: you're in the front seat. >> they throw me up front. they're nice people. so i'm up there with-- with my pal, who is driving-- i forget his name. >> stephen: roger. >> uh-huh. that wasn't it.
( laughter ) and-- and his phone starts ringing. and it rings again. and it rings again. and i'm thinking, "how does this guy not have vibrate? or why doesn't he have the thing on the apple phone which doesn't alert when you you're driving for safety reasons? and i'm thinking, "i hope this guy hits the vibrate or answers it or something." but he goes down, i guess, to answer it after the fourth ring, and of course the moment he looks down, kids, the car in front stops. and i'm in front, and i see that car stop. i see that he's fumbling for the phone, discovering the vibrate button, i guess. and i said, "hey, hey, hey, hey, hey" and the moment he looks up is a little too late, he hits the brakes, we lock up, and it slides in, kind of elegantly, into the back of an undercover cop. >> audience: oooh! >> so the air bags go off. >> stephen: no! that hard? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. the air bags go off.
>> stephen: are you okay? >> thank you, good. >> stephen: it took me a while to get there. >> yeah, but the air bags go off, and dame arnett in the back-- there was an "oooo"n"" or something. >> stephen: they don't have air bags. >> it was not my wife. >> notice, they don't. and i hear immediately, "jason, jason, come oget out, get out, get out, get out." as they're getting out. i think these guys are on their feet. we have to get another cab. we're late for dinner. we can't help this guy. he has 20 minutes ahead of him in a police report. mind you, five miles an hour. the air bags did go off. it was nothing. he's saying, "get out, get out, get out," because he thinks it's on fire. it's just of the dust from the air bags, or whatever. she needed all night to get-- to get okay. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i'm not talking about my wife. ( laughter ). >> stephen: easily rattled, mr. arnett? >> i guess. all day today he's rubbing his
neck. taking shots of the license place plait, probably trying to get a free jacket out of it, i'm sure. >> stephen: can you get a jacket from a cab company? >> i think you can get a lot more than that. ask mr. cohen. see what i did there. >> stephen: i see what you did there. you hopped lanes. >> i watch my msnbc. >> stephen: well, i'm glad to hear you're okay. >> thank you. >> stephen: well, i'm-- i'm excited, like many people are, season five of "arrested development" coming around. >> me, too, me, too ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: how long-- okay, season 5, but how many years has this been? >> it's been 15 years. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow! >> yeah. >> >> stephen: wow! >> yeah -- >> stephen: that's pacing. >> we are deliberate. >> stephen: yeah. >> we don't want to rush things. >> stephen: you make rornlg r. martin seem like a speed demon. so what can we expect from 155? it's a real estate family with a very questionable father fig
uand some very unscrupulous but attractive children. >> yup. >> stephen: it remind me of someone. >> something... >> stephen: yes. >> yeah. that does sound like it's been done. >> stephen: and henry wifngler looks a lot like michael cohen, as we know. >> he sure does, doesn't me he? like it's crazy. all of this is beautifully coincidental. we're just trying -- >> stephen: i hate to think you planned it. >> what is interesting is there were some storylines that started back in the early 2000s, like the wall between mexico and the united states was a, you know, dumb-dumb bluth family idea that is of course now tragically real. there is-- and on and on and on. but we have to finish these story threads. but some-- some people are thinking like we're kind of jumping on the trump bandwagon and bashing him. >> stephen: they jumped on
yours. >> well, whatever-- we were after bush. we got after him quite a bit. and then, crazy enough, a lot of same storylines did dovetail nicely. >> stephen: which trump is most like your character? >> barron. ( laughter ) it's got to be barron, right. >> stephen: because he's essentially innocent. >> he's essentially innocent and has that ever-present look of, "how am i going to get out of here?" right? it's just-- just this beautiful look of defeated "who made this horrible, horrible mistake? the suit is uncomfortable but looks all right." >> stephen: and he's really the character you're pulling for. >> and he's the character you're pulling for. >> stephen: you're going, "i feel for that guy." >> you hope he makes it. there's a crazy dad, a crazy
mom, and-- and a lot of moral bankruptcy. >> stephen: you have met him? have you met donald trump? >> no. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, that's not what i-- >> it sounds like there's a qualifier. >> stephen: that's not what i heard. i thought-- i-- that's surprising to me. i think we have a clip of you meeting him. >> did you get the clip. i did mention snog your friends. >> stephen: we have the clip and you meet him in this clip. >> ish. i'll explain. one of my longest, dearest friends is the daughter of robert wagner, natasha wagner. and "hart to hart" is a great show they did for means year. they did "movie of the week." >> stephen: stephanie powers. >> and natasha wagner and i played a part on one of those "hart to hart" movies of the week. >> stephen: what year? this is '95, i think. there was a very special cameo by a guy who looks a lot like donald trump. >> stephen: can we show the
clip? we'll show the clip. this is what happened. >> hello, maureen. ♪ ♪ >> hello! >> excuse me, hello, uncle don. >> you must be stewart. >> yes! >> are you as nervous as i am? >> we've got a lot of catching up to do. let's get into the car. >> this is-- my girl-- fiance tiby. >> hi, tiby. >> hello, mr. trump! >> okay... inside. all right! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i don't know how i worked another day after that. was that just about the worst
performance you've ever seen in your life. >> stephen: i thought it was a good performance. you looked just as comfortable as a man should letting their fiance get in a car with donald trump. ( laughter ) but you met him. ♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> no. actually -- >> stephen: what are you talking about! you just did a scene with him. >> whose even weirder is we were not in the scene together. he would not fly to san francisco-- some sort of tolerance issues, or whatever it is. boy-- more air bags. and so i was in san francisco. he was in new york. and we had to cut all that together. so i never actually met him. but the miracle of editing made it look like we were. >> stephen: so he's-- so he's shake your hand in new york, and you're shaking his hand in san francisco? >> he's got -- >> stephen: none of you were there together. >> we were not. they say he's got short fingers but they're very long. they go across the country. ( laughter ). >> stephen: jim, can we see just the handshake then? can we see just the handshake?
>> uncle don! >> you must be stewart. >> stephen: i like you're shaking his hand before he's shaking yours. >> yeah. the editing is just as bad as the acting. ( lahter ) ( ♪ ) cefa w theor fas aace tore be ckedonit wh. bonlyot®oxme costi c f isdapp arove ttoraempori mlymoake deterato serevowe frn nelis, cr o''ets fe and heforeadin looes lk bett.er 'it's qua 10ick mutin e etcosmicre tntatme gin ve dby aoctor toed rthuce oslie thisere oy nl onebo ®tox cmeos foask r bitmey na. te feefofcts boxotos® cmec,ti
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