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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 1, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> confirmation this morning that north korean leader kim jong-un made a surprise visit to china. he traveled by train, meeting in beijing with president xi jinping. ( laughter )
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( laughter ) >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump's gofundme page. plus, stephen welcomes: dana carvey. and simon pegg. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: wo! how are you? ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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thank you, jon! thank you, everybody! sit down! thank you very much. lovely, lovely. welcome, welcome. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you, the darned stormy daniels scandal just will not go away for donald trump, no matter how many times he clears his browser history. ( laughter ) i have the latest, salacious legal motions in tonight's "stormy watch." ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) huge developments yesterday, when stormy daniels' eternial-- eternal? ( laughter ) >> jon: terminal. >> stephen: stormy daniels'
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internal attorney, michael avanetti, filed a motion seeking to depose president donald trump and his lawyer michael cohen. that means trump is going to have to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions under oath like, "did you have an affair with stormy daniels?" and, "is this now or has it ever been your penis?" ( laughter ) now, avenatti says, avenatti says that he "intends to prove that the hush agreement did not have a lawful object or purpose." oh, how dare you? of course this agreement has a lawful purpose. it has given anderson cooper hundreds of hours of stormy daniels' raw cleavage footage. ( cheers and applause ) and, wolf blitzer is even working on his stormy daniels impression. >> "technically, i didn't sleep with the potus 12 years ago. there was no sleeping. ha, ha." ( laughter ) >> stephen: "there was no
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sleeping-- ha, ha-- but it appears she and the president took the express train to bone town. ( laughter ) anderson, this is our life now." ( laughter ) the odd thing-- the odd thing is that trump has not made any public comments. he hasn't even tweeted about it. one friend says that the president is "not in a punch- back mode." yes, trump only has a few settings. there's "punch back," there's "lie," there's "self-promote," and "popcorn." ( laughter ) yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: no trash with that popcorn. >> stephen: the package-- the packaging says, "don't use the popcorn setting." but i do. instead of tweeting about stormy, yesterday, trump re- tweeted himself from last weekend after he signed the government budget. "because of the $700 and $716
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billion gotten to rebuild our military, many jobs are created and our military is again rich. building a great border wall, with drugs-- poison-- and enemy combatants pouring into our country is all about national defense. build wall through m!" what does-- what does that mean? ( cheers and applause ) what does that-- i don't-- what does "m" stand for? ( laughter ) build wall through mexico? they're not going to like that. build wall through money? through melania's room? ( laughter ) because i'm pretty sure-- i'm pretty sure she'd pay for that at this point. ( cheers and applause ) well, the great "m" mystery-- or mmmmystery-- ( laughter ) has been solved. turns out, it stands for military, because the president wants to take this money out of
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the pentagon budget. the pentagon? mexico is supposed to pay for this. it should come out of the "cinco-gon." ( laughter ) but-- but-- ( applause ) thank you. people love spanish jokes. people-- ( applause ) but if the military won't pay for it, people close to the president have suggested-- and i am not making this up-- creating a gofundme campaign. ( laughter ) >> jon: how they going to do that? >> stephen: yes, yes! a kickstarter, yes. our national sovereignty will be secured with the same urgency that funded the "veronica mars" movie. ( laughter ) for as founding father nathan hale said, "i regret i have but $15 to find out if she ended up with logan. #totesadorable." ( cheers and applause ) now-- he invented!
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patrick henry-- now, if you're not familiar with gofundme, let me use a real, active gofundme campaign to explain how this would work. this is the actual gofundme page raising money for flaw's new touring vehicle. flaw is a band. i don't know what kind. i'm going to guess either death metal, grindcore, or deathgrind. ( laughter ) so in this scenario, donald trump is the band flaw, and the wall is flaw's new van. flaw needs a new van to make it to their upcoming concert at spicoli's in waterloo, iowa. ( laughter ) and donald trump needs his wall to stop mexicans from all rushing in to america-- i assume to catch flaw at spicoli's in waterloo, iowa. ( laughter ) and if none of that works, trump can just ask flaw to patrol the border. because from their photo, it looks like they're there already-- or at least until
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april 3 at 6:00 p.m., when they're going to be at spicoli's rockade, at 3555 university ave., waterloo, iowa. ( cheers and applause ) flaw! flaw! i'm a huge flaw fan. >> jon: oh, you like flaw? you like flaw? >> stephen: that's where it's happening! meanwhile-- good luck, fellas. ( laughter ) meanwhile, new documents show that former trump deputy campaign chairman, rick gates, communicated with a former russian spy before the election, who "has ties to a russian intelligence service and had such ties in 2016." and i'm guessing this spy is still on putin's good side because, as of show time, no one had served him a nerve gas burrito. ( laughter ) and, his description matches the russian manager of paul manafort's lobbying office in kiev, named konstantin kilimnik.
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really? "kill-'em-nik"? if you're a russian operative, you might want to go by something less suspicious. maybe try "sergey murderov." ( laughter ) so-- ( applause ) this is sergey murderov. da! flaw! ♪ ♪ thank you. thank you. so my question is, is it collusion yet? is this collusion at this point? gates was trump's deputy campaign chairman, who stayed on through the inauguration, knowingly met with a russian spy in the months leading up the election. what more evidence do we need, donald trump in a t-shirt saying, "i colluded with the russians, and all i got was this lousy t-shirt, and the presidency"? ( cheers and applause ) i would like that. i would like that t-shirt. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: i'd like a copy of that. >> jon: i'd wear that.en: all c, all cotton.
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gotta breathe. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: so, the president almost definitely colluded with russia, but there's equally important news out there. tiffany haddish said someone bit beyonce. ( laughter ) yeah, yeah, this is serious. this is serious. here's what went down. tiffany haddish was at a party in l.a. that beyonceé and jay-z attended. "according to haddish, the actor-- whom she refused to name-- was at the party 'doing the mostest' before biting beyonceé in the face." now, i had to look up "doing the mostest," because i'm the white- stest. ( laughter ) and-- legally, i'm the white- stest. and apparently it means "trying too hard to impress people and embarrassing yourself." i also had to look up "biting beyonceé in the face." turns out, it means, "biting beyonceé in the face." ( laughter )
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simpler than i thought. now, haddish explained to "gq," "i said to beyonceé, 'did she really bite you?' she was like, 'yeah.' i was like, 'she's going to get her ass beat tonight.' she was like, 'tiffany, no. don't do that. that bitch is on drugs. she not like that all the time. just chill.'" wow! i mean that-- that's-- on a certain level that's admirable, you know. beyonceé got bit on the face, ad turned the other cheek. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) but don't do that! don't turn the other cheek! she'll bite that, too. don't-- beyonceé! don't-- don't-- don't turn the other cheek. she'll bite that, too! that bitch is on drugs! ( laughter ) this is a huge mystery at this point. we still don't know, right? as of show time, we still don't know. this is the "who shot j.r." for a generation too young to understand that reference. ask your grandparents. so far, all sorts of celebrities have denied being the biter, including lena dunham, jennifer
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aniston, sanaa lathan, frances mcdormand, even shirley maclaine, whose spokesperson said, "no, shirley did not bite anything. she's 83 years old, for god's sake." ( laughter ) not a good alibi, shirley. i get bit by 83-year-olds all the time. because i like to start fights with old people, because i want to win. ( laughter ) the fact is, beyonceé's biter remains at large, and it's extremely important to me we figure this out, because america needs to know: what does beyonée taste like? ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. dana carvey is here! simon pegg is here! intew mbassar johnclusive bolt stick around ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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overselling his achievements. making false claims. as lieutenant governor, he skipped many of his duties, saying the job was "so dull," he only shows up to work at the state capitol "like one day a week, tops." the same gavin who, as mayor, "split town" during a massive oil spill and "jetted hawaii." gavin's... not gonna work... as governor. not gonna work... ithe race for governort. has turned into a scam. gavin news'slect a republican who was endorsed by trump. and villaraigosa's being bankrolled by a handful of billionaires. it's everything that's wrong with politics. and none of it is helping struggling families. here's my pledge to you. i'll keep our budget balanced. invest in affordable housing. fight for universal healthcare. and stand up to donald trump. as governor, you can trust me to do what's right- because i always have.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! right over there! give it up for the band, over there! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, my goodness. oh, my goodness. i am-- jon, i'm so excited. i'm so excited. ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. i am super excited. tonight is a very special night for me because my old friend dana carver is going to be out here. >> jon: oh, yeah, dana carvey! >> stephen: of the "dana carvey show." and simon pegg. he gave me my first break on a network television show. "dana carvey show." folks, this week, we're hearing a lot about trump's new national security advisor and dentist realizing he just killed his patient, john bolton. ( laughter ) bolton is a well-known war hawk. he's called for war with iran and made the case for a
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preemptive attack on north korea. he can be just as aggressive in his personal behavior, evidently. in 2005, a republican congress refused to confirm him as u.n. ambassador because of reports he would "bully government analysts" and had "a history of berating and undermining anyone who attempted to challenge him." and keep in mind, this was before that was considered presidential. ( laughter ) and even worse, even worse, when a federal contractor criticized a deal bolton was working on, she said "bolton threw a tape dispenser at her, shouted threats, chased her down a moscow hotel hallway, pounded on her door, and 'generally behaved like a madman.'" which is easily the second-worst thing a member of this administration has done in a russian hotel. ( laughter ) allegedly. ( applause ) allegedly. so, this is very unnerving. our incoming national security advisor, john bolton, is being
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portrayed as an unstable warmonger. here to refute that image is ambassador john bolton. ambassador bolton, sir-- ( cheers and applause ) ambassador bolton, thank you for joining us. >> oh, my pleasure, stephen. it's very important to me that nobody thinks president trump has handed the keys to the war machine to some sort of hair- trigger lunatic. >> stephen: well, that's very reassuring, sir. >> because if i heard someone say that, i'd blow them up quick! ( laughter ) trump's giving me the nukes! bladda-boom. bup-bup-bup-bup-bam! ( applause ) wo! >> stephen: sir, i just want to be clear: i am not the one saying those things about you. >> good, because if you did, i'd chase you through a hotel flinging mini shampoos and staplers at you. come on! come on, colbert! ( cheers and applause )
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ahh! you're next, saddam! ( laughter ) >> stephen: so, sir, you're saying there's no truth to the stories of you being an unhinged bully? >> stephen, those stories are only hogwash and poppycock, they're also poppywash and hogcock. ( laughter ) i'm as soft and tame as general snowball. >> stephen: i'm sorry. who's general snowball? >> that's the name of my mustache. ( laughter ) he's my closest advisor and a brilliant tactician. ( laughs ) >> stephen: well, sir, i can-- i can see that he's served you well. now, mr. bolton, you have called for the use of military force against north korea and iran,
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but is that really the best option? when you think about it, what about sanctions? ( laughter ) >> you know what they say: sanctions-schmanctions, mandy patanktions. i'm going to send some big fat tanks in! slappity-boom! haa-pooft! boom-boppity blim blam! ( applause ) >> stephen: well put. well put, sir. well put. i-- i feel like i do have to ask-- is your mustache getting larger? ( laughter ) >> oh, yeah. don't worry about that. general snowball here just gets a bit engorged when he smells a war coming on. ( audience reacts ) you want action, don't you, boy? ( purring ) ( laughter ) easy, fella! ( purring )
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here, have some shampoo. there you go. time for daddy. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: okay, okay. sir. ( laht ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sir, okay, this is exactly-- exactly what people are worried about. you seem eager for war, and now you have the president's ear. >> who told you that? lies!th is nos ea( laught once again, the fake news media is portraying me as some sort of deranged nutball. makes me want to go boom, boom, skiddily-diddly-boom-kaboom!
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>> stephen: please, please, calm down, sir! >> this is me calm, colbert! now you've gone and upset general snowball! ( mustache growls ) calm down. ( barking ) no, boy. stephen, friend. stephen, small, little, feminine man. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you. sir, do we or do we not need to worry about you advocating for preemptive strikes? >> stephen, i'm a rational man, and reason dictates that whether it's an ayatollah, some rogue king of denmark, or the person taking too long in line at the airport sbarro, you hit them first! biggity-boop-bing-bong-bop-bam! ( laughter )
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>> stephen: sorry, ambassador bolton, i just want to make sure i understand what you're saying. are you saying, sir, that you, while you were trying to get lunch, punched a total stranger at-- and i want to make this clear-- you were at an airport sbarro's waiting for your pizza? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> no, stephen. that would make me look like a crazy person. i took his ear! lunch time, general snowball! here we go. >> stephen: all right, all right, mr. bolton. after talking to you-- and i can't believe i'm saying these words-- i think you might be more unstable than donald trump. >> oh, come on, stephen. i'm not the madman the media and my words and behavior make me out to be. ( laughter ) i'm a very gentle and nurturing
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man. and to prove it, i'm going to breastfeed a puppy. ( audience reacts ) come on! come on, nuzzle up, sugar buns. here we go. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i'll feed the world! >> stephen: john bolton, everybody! we'll be right back with dana carvey! ( band playing ) to most people, i look like... most people. but on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i'm glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. for some, lyrica delivers effective relief from fibromyalgia pain... and improves function.
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gentlemen, you are so lucky to be here tonight. because-- ( cheers and applause ) thanks everybody. my first guest is one of the funniest people i've ever had the pleasure to call my boss. please welcome dana carvey! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> thank you! >> stephen: hey! >> good, gosh. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> i'm so happy to be here. i'm still talking in that other voice. ( laughter ) i got john boltoned.m,an. >> ♪ bolton, bolton, bolton ♪ keep the doggy rolling i'm just feeding from the energy before. >> stephen: i like it. >> stephen! >> stephen: when you see somebody like john bolton appear on the national scene, do you go, "oh, what a lovely character?" like, "let me at him!"
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( laughter ) >> well, you know, we took some liberties. >> stephen: no, that was-- >> the mustache was great. but mostly when he's on he's got the news talk, and he says crazy things, but he acts very calm. "i believe it's a wonderful thing when a nuclear weapon gets out of its tight silo and has a throbbing, aggressive trajectory toward another country." and you're like, "whaaat!" ( audience reacts ) you know, "i think there are many countries we have to be worried about in terms of threats-- canada, france, norway, hawaii." "hawaii?" "well, they could become a nation state and develop nukes." what i'm always looking for is the exaggeration point. >> stephen: sure. >> you're going from that and then you're kind of the little "hahaha," like that, like an animal. >> stephen: that's what you said to me when i worked for you on the "dana carvey show." you said, "don't worry if it doesn't sound like the person. >> no, never worry, and you always find your hook. can you do your angry gregory peck for the people over 50? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sure, i'll try. >> we threw so many things at
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stephen. you came in as a sketch player and a writer. >> stephen: yeah. >> but you didn't fancy yourself as an impressionist. >> stephen: i did not do impressions. >> but you nailed geraldo riviera. >> stephen: oh! it's funny you should bring that up. because i remember, i remember-- >> yes.>> stephen: it was durine o.j. trial this was going on. >> yes, i did cato kalin. >> stephen: you did cato kalin. ( laughter ) and the funny thing was is that- - so the "dana carvey show" was in winter into spring of 1996. >> basically, it was a show that went pheew, and was gone. ( laughter ) and then there were cactus. >> stephen: but kind of a legend-- it was a murderer's row. it was you and robert smiegel, it was louie c.k., it was steve carell, it was me. >> stephen colbert. >> stephen: charlie kaufman, dino stamatopolous, robert carlock, who created "30 rock" with tina fey, amazing group of op >> yeah, freaky. >> stephen: and so we're-- the carvey-- the what-you-ma-call it, the o.j. trial it going on.
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and i find out, the night before, "dana can't find a hook for geraldo. you do it." ( laughter ) >> well, i thought i was doing cato, which was basically garth, with a little bit more energy. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so here's me as geraldo. and you as cato kalin. "cato, my friend--" >> "i heard a thump, thump. and then o.j. was sweatin'." that's what i remember. you handled it well. >> stephen: well, thank you. but i have to-- i have to thank you for hiring me for that show. because i can draw a direct line from you hiring me for that show, and being right here. >> wow. >> stephen: because all the jobs i got-- ( cheers and applause ) all work-- it's absolutely true. >> i like to think that's true. i don't fancy myself a talent scout. but we did look at 300 people and pretty soon, over time, we kept looking at the two steves. i think i nicknamed you, even though it was stephen colbert and steven carell.
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>> stephen: you did. >> steve carell and stephen colbert, when you guys were really unknown. i mean, nobodies-- >> stephen: no, we could not-- we could not get arrested. honest to god. >> but with outsized talent, crazy talent. >> stephen: that's me and carell on your show. >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this was "waiters who were nauseated by food." >> right, we did a lot of presentational comedy. so the chyron would come up and say, "and now presenting waiters who are nauseated by food." >> stephen: "germans who say nice things." >> "germans who say nice things." >> stephen: "skinheads from maine." >> do you remember "skinheads from maine"? it can't air, and we can't even really talk about it any further, but use your imagination. it's the pepperidge farm voice, because i used to go around doing the pepperidge farm flaky fresh things, and i thought it would be funny to have that guy be a skinhead. >> stephen: exactly. ( laughter ) >> you came in with this crazy, weird, "to kill a mockingbird" vibe.
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you would look at the ceiling and go, "yeah." what was your hook? >> stephen: yeah! >> that was it. >> stephen: "carving a hate stick to beat spaniards." ( laughter ) you, you see? why-- why were we canceled, dana? >> why? >> stephen: why on earth! >> why? i don't get it! ( cheers and applause ) i knew-- i knew when they weren't trying to rein us in it didn't seem right. i said, "you want us to--" >> stephen: didn't they say-- >> no! you know when a show has lost faith. they're like, "should we do anything different, tame it down?" "oh, no, do whatever you want." ( laughter ) >> stephen: this was-- abc had bought disney not that long before, right? >> right. we were an insane late-night show in prime time after "home improvement." >> stephen: which was the friendliest-- >> family. >> stephen: softest. >> like a puppy, sweet. >> stephen: a puppy filled with marshmallows. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: and the very first-- just for people who have forgotten, because it's legendary at this point. >> the very first sketch we had
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bill clinton breast-feeding these puppies. ( laughter ) and-- >> stephen: and, of course, if you're going to have bill clinton with multiple teats down his chest, it's very important that they-- what? >> well, that they lactate. >> stephen: yes, actual milk. >> right. >> stephen: there were puppeteers behind you with bulbs of milk. >> yes, right. we just didn't know. we banked the sketch a month before. and then it was a big, like, should we start with that or oliver stone covers the revolutionary war, where i played bandaras-- michael played al pacino as george washington. "oh, yeah, we got to get some british soldiers." ( laughter ) you know-- we almost led with that. we did clinton teats, and then they showed the analytics and we were at 16 million viewers. three minutes later, we were at 800,000. ( laughter ) but we made history, man. >> stephen: we sure did.
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>> we thumbed our nose at the powers that be. noble failures goin' broke. yeah! ( laughter ) >> stephen: we've get to take a break. stick around, i want to show some of our favorite sketches from "the dana carvey show." never broadcast. ( band playing ) and can experie. you don't have to with always my fit try the next size up and get up to 20% better coverage day or night. because better coverage means better protection always ♪ je plonge à l'envers ♪attiré par l'extase ♪ ♪ un tourbillon vert illumine les sirènes ♪ ♪ ♪ oh la fête fo', fo' ♪ ♪ ♪ oui l'endorphine s'est envolée ♪ ♪ ♪ d'une fête foraine devenue noire ♪
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ithe race for governort. has turned into a scam. gavin newsom's trying to elect a republican who was endorsed by trump. and villaraigosa's being bankrolled by a handful of billionaires. it's everything that's wrong with politics. and none of it is helping struggling families. here's my pledge to you. i'll keep our budget balanced. invest in affordable housing. fight for universal healthcare. and stand up to donald trump. as governor, you can trust me to do what's right- because i always have. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with the great one, dana carvey. i just want to go over a couple of sketches that we did. >> yes. >> stephen: these two sketches you can find on hulu now, but they were never broadcast. >> right, yeah, we banked some-- >> stephen: we shot them, and then they canceled us. >> yes. >> stephen: this was one-- this was-- this was "this week with david brinkley." >> right. >> stephen: on the great american scream machine, which we shot out at great america here in new jersey. >> yes, comedy acting on a roller coaster. >> stephen: one take with a camera on the front, no cuts. >> subfreezing, in which roller coaster tracks can get "sticky," which i knew, and i didn't tell you guys. who was the scared guy? was it carell oreg >>tephen: carell. and the morning-- early morning on a saturday before they let the crowds in, something like that. >> and you were going upside down. >> stephen: you're george will, i'm david brinkley, and here we go. >> with me, as usual are george
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will, sam donaldson, and cokie roberts. george, with the japanese making economic comeback, is there pressure to put the protectionism of buchanan on the platform? >> david, i think it's unfair to criticize the message because you don't like the messenger. this is not unlike a first baseman not liking-- oh, my god! aaarrrrggghhhh! oh, knock it off, george! >> but look at brinkley. ( cheers and applause ) what we do for comedy! >> stephen: never broadcast. >> never aired. >> stephen: never made it to air. now, my favorite sketch that we did on your show-- >> which you -- >> stephen: on the "dana carvey show"-- >> which you wrote i'm going to say. >> stephen: i saw this, the story behind this is, i saw-- we were in the cbs broadcast center, even though it was an abc show. >> yes. >> stephen: which is a whole other story. and i was watching, i thought, the news, but in fact it was just the feed from the cbs news desk where dan rather was still the host-- the anchor of the desk. and he was-- he starts doing
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ronald reagan's obituary. >> yes. >> stephen: and so i run into the writers' room where you guys are working, and i said, "hey, reagan died." and you guys went, "oh, okay thanks." and you went back to your sketch. ( laughter ) because you guys were busy. >> we were busy. okay. >> stephen: you were busy. so then i go back to his office. oh, god i have to find out how he died. and rather is still there, and he goes like-- ( clears throat ) alright-- >> practicing different scenarios. >> stephen: let me try it again. and he's doing it with a slightly different tone. he's wearing seasonal neutral. >> in case it's in spring or fall. >> stephen: he's just banking the obituary for ronald reagan. so, i said to robert what if we did-- what if he had to do every scenario? inead of being generalat if it was incredibly specific and had to do every possible way. ( laughter ) a man could die. >> to be covered >> stephen: exactly. >> yeah, exactly. >> stephen: so this is tom brokaw saying how gerald ford died in the most specific ways because he has to say all of them. jim.
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>> gerald ford dead today from an overdose of crack cocaine. ( laughter ) >> good, good. next. >> all right. stunning news from michigan as former president gerald ford was chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane. ( laughter ) >> very good, one take. >> all right, we got it? >> no, we got eaten by wolves. >> what? no, come on. >> just read it, please, tom. >> gerald ford isn't going to be eaten by wolves. >> taft was. >> really? taft? ( laughter ) >> uh, yeah. >> all right. tragedy today as former president gerald ford was eaten by wolves. he was delicious. ( laughter ) >> oh, wow. ( cheers and applause )as o sketches. one of your best. >> stephen: thank you for this job. thank you for show business. >> you would have made it anyway. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, the man is funny with
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the sound-off. >> stephen colbert! >> stephen: "too funny to fail" is on hulu. dana carvey, everybody. we'll be right back with simon pegg. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ how do you like me now ♪ now that i'm on my way ♪ do you still think i'm crazy standing here today ♪ ♪ i couldn't make you love me e. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. [ drum roll ] ...emily lapier from ames, iowa.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show. ladies and gentlemen, you know my next guest from classics such as "shaun of the dead" and "hot fuzz," and from slightly bigger- budget cult classics like "star trek" and "mission impossible." he now stars in "ready player one." >> people don't live inside an asteroid's arcade cabinet. >> i know that.
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>> yup. people are living inside the arcade we built. >> i built. >> well... well, i guess you can say whatever you want. >> i don't really want to talk about it. >> of course, you don't want to talk about it. >> closer. >> you're forcing me out! invention comes with responsibilities you didn't ask for. all right, if you make something people want or need, then it's up to you to set the limits. you have to make some rules. >> i don't want to make any more rules. >> i don't want to make any more rules. >> i'm a dreamer. >> i'm a dreamer. i build worlds. >> stephen: please welcome simon pegg! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> wow! >> stephen: hello. >> how lovely to be here. >> stephen: you've been in some amazing movies. people call them "nerd classics." "star wars," "star trek," "dr. who." even the "mission impossible" movies. "end of the world."
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( applause ) now, are you-- is "nerd" a term that you grew up with in england? >> yeah, but it's kind of been reclaimed, you know. it's been taken back and it's being used in a positive way. it's been reversed and de-- you know. >> stephen: right. which i don't like. >> no. >> stephen: i believe nerd should have its negative connotation. ( laughter ) no, because i was a deep, deep nerd. >> what are we supposed to call those guys? >> stephen: i was a deep nerd, and nerd was used as a weapon against us. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i had to suffer through being a nerd. today's nerds, it's just-- it's all so easy for them. >> they don't even have boredom, today's nerds, do they? >> stephen: no, they don't understand anything. >> no. >> stephen: but were you a nerd? >> yeah. well, i grew up on-- i'm a kid of the '70s and so i grew up on "star wars" and "star trek," and those things i eventually got to be in, which is strange. it makes me a pain on set. >> stephen: does it? >> yeah, i'm like, "no, no, no, no." ( laughter ) i think you'll find the warp drive, it's a bubble of subspace which the 'enterprise'"-- >> stephen: is dragged along with it.
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>> it doesn't go fast. it's space time being warped. ( laughter ) so, yes, i'm a pain on set. >> stephen: have you-- have you- - have you made suggestions to, like-- things that weren't in a script. >> yes. >> stephen: you said, "could we do this?" because i've been nearly kicked off the set. >> really. >> stephen: i was-- i got to be a spy in lake town in "the hobbit," i'm a huge tolkien fan, and they said "that's enough. we understand it's called eskarof, but we're calling it long lake. you can go." >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: have you annoyed people enough to get an idea in the show? >> yeah, when we did "the force awakens" i played this big fat junk dealer guy named unkar plutt, who is this big sort of blob-fish looking-- >> stephen: that's you? >> that's me, yeah. >> stephen: i am not-- ( cheers and applause ) i-- i kid thee not. i've been trying to figure out who's voice that was. >> it's mine! >> stephen: are you credited or is it non-credited? >> yes, but we transposed it lower so it sounds a bit
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more guttaral. so, unkar plutt, at that point in the film he's the owner of the millennium falcon. now, as a "star wars" fan growing up the idea that i would be the owner of the millennium falcon doesn't make me tongue tied in any way. but i was extremely excited. i shot my scenes on the planet jakku, which is the sort of the desert planet. >> stephen: sure. >> and then i emailed j.j. abrams and said, "look, the millenium falcon, in the original 'star wars,' the empire put a homing beacon on the falcon and traced it to yavin iv, the rebel base at the end. what if the homing beacon was still on aboard, and unkar activated it and used it to track rey to masa's palace and then he could catch up with him there and have another scene? and, uh--" ( laughter ) and j.j. was like, "okay. so we shot the scene in the film where unkar catches up to rey, and chewbacca pulls his arm off and, like, throws it across the room. it wasn't in the film at the end because j.j. realized it was pointless. ( laughter ) but, i was like, "i don't care. it happened." chewbacca pulled my arm off.
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end of story. fantastic. >> stephen: the new movie is "ready player one." >> yeah. >> stephen: people call it a sci-fi movie. you call it a "future fact." what does that mean? >> yeah, someone said this the other day because it's basically about a virtual reality world. it's 2044. this world has been created. everybody kind of goes there because it's more interesting and more fantastic than the real world is. it's a little bit of a social media allegory, really. it's a place where you can project your own truths, create yourself in your own way. you know the kind of thing people do on social media these days. >> stephen: sure, uh-huh. ( laughter ) >> can i just-- having-- having watched the monologue-- just as a brief diversion. it must be so fun to be a comedy writer in america at the moment. surely you guys turn up to work really late, just read the paper and transcribe it and say it on air, right? ( laughter ) that's pretty much what you do. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i can tell you this, i-- i will-- i promise you i
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will no way upset my writers to say it just writes itself, simon. ( laughter ) you know, it's like medicine, though. you have to-- you have to write the stuff or else what are you going to do with the feelings inside? >> absolutely. as we in the rest of the world cower in terror, it's a real refreshing thing to watch you every day. >> stephen: thank you! >> feeling okay with it. >> stephen: we don't feel okay with it. ( laughter ) show business! >> yes, anyway, no. >> stephen: i'm looking forward to "ready player one." >> future fact. it's a very likely future for us. it's a virtual reality. it's already kind of there. >> stephen: keep it light. i mean, it's not a happy future. >> no, but i think we could get-- like "blade runner," the original was set a year from now, and we're not there yet, are we? but with this in 2044, i think we could be in a place where you go into a virtual world. >> stephen: have you done virtual reality? >> yeah, it's amazing. except people get sick because their brain thinks they have been poisoned. i learned this, because-- if you feel movement and your body is
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stationary, your inner ear, your brain thinks you've been poisoned and makes you throw up because it thinks there's something toxic is inside you. that's what travel sickness is. right, isn't that a great fact? so people doing v.r. at the moment, there is a lot of spewing. let's get that sorted and we can live in the fake world. >> stephen: wow. well, if this one doesn't get sorted i might go into the fake world. simon, thank you so much for being here. >> quite a pleasure, thank you. >> stephen: "ready player one" is in theaters now. simon pegg, everybody! we'll be right back. in the face of senseless violence, we need hope.
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i'm jeff bleich. preventing violence has long been my cause. after columbine, i led president clinton's youth violence commission. i joined joe biden to reduce domestic violence, helping boys become men. i beat the nra in court, defending gun laws that save lives. today, a new generation is rising, and this is our moment. in the streets and in the capitol, i'll stand with them. jeff bleich. democrat for lieutenant governor.
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only marshall tuck will change that. year after year, policians fail to improve public schools. tuck turned around failing schools, raising graduation rates 60%. marshall tuck for state superintendent. marshall tuck. i support the affordable care act, and voted against all trump's attempts to repeal it. but we need to do more. i believe in universal health care. in a public health option to compete with private insurance companies. and expanding medicare to everyone over 55. and i believe medicare must be empowered to negotiate the price of drugs. california values senator dianne feinstein
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody. stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it will be all right ♪ it's the late late show


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