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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 5, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> tonight, on "in search of," the first lady. the statuesque slovenian who goes by many names-- melania, third wife, melanie, sasquatch, was said to have roamed the east wing of the white house. but for almost a month, there has been no definitive sighting of this elusive being. but all that may have changed yesterday when a local resident captured this startling footage. >> i was just sitting in the back there, you know, filming the event. i didn't think i had anything interesting. but when i got home and checked the footage, i couldn't believe my eyes! there she was in broad daylight! i mean, it was inside, but
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still... >> but not all agree. >> science can prove this away. it could have been a lot of things-- swamp gas, venus reflect off a pond. a lot of times it turns out to be fur on a tree. people see what they want to see. it could have been a shape-shifting meal yoid trying avoid detection. simple as that. >> does this foodage prove melania exists or simply as the doctor sailed a trick of the eye. we may never know. tune in next week when we go in search of steve mnuchin's neck. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." plus, stephen welcomes president bill clinton and james patterson and tig notaro featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the
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ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, everybody! how are you? please, have a seat. sit down. please! welcome, welcome-- ( cheers and applause ) welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( applause ) you know, if you're a sports fan, there's a tradition that when you win the super bowl, you go to the white house, a few months later, once the swelling's gone down. well, the super bowl champion philadelphia eagles were
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supposed to be at the white house today, but last night, the white house press office issued a statement from the president that said the eagles were disinvited because, "they disagree with their president because he insists that they proudly stand for the national anthem, hand on heart, in honor of the great men and women of our military and the people of our country." but here's the thing: no eagles players took a knee or stayed in the locker room during the anthem last season. so donald trump is blaming a group of black guys for something they didn't do. they'll have to rename the eagles the "central park 53." ( applause ). >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: >> stephen: but fox news never lets the truth get in the way of a good story, so they ran a segment last night on the disinvitation, alongside images of the players taking a knee. eagle's tight end zach ertz pointed out on twitter that was actually footage of him "praying before games with his teammates, well before the anthem." come on, look, look. it's an honest-- it's an honest
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mistake. fox news also thought this picture was jesus calling a touchdown! woooo! wooo! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: touchdown dance! >> stephen: faced with the fact that he got this wrong, trump doubled down on twitter and attacked the n.f.l.'s new compromise of letting players stay in the locker room before the anthem. "staying in the locker room for the playing of our national anthem is as disrespectful to our country as kneeling. sorry!" and, "n.f.l., no escaping to locker rooms!" oh, yes, there is no escaping the national anthem. it's a heat-seeking hymn! you tried to hide, but... ♪ the flag was still there ( applause ) yes, hand on heart. bright eyes, full hearts-- i don't know. so, if eagledidn't protest
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the anthem, then why did trump cancel this event? i'm guessing, possibly, because the only people planning to attend from the team were two or three players, the owner, and the mascot. oh, the mascot was coming? well, that's why he canceled. we know donald trump's afraid of eagles. >> jon: barbiturate watch out joe walsh, don henley. >> stephen: so it's crazy. but here's the extra-crazy sauce: when trump disinvited the eagles, he didn't cancel the event, announcing he would be holding "a different type of ceremony-- one that will honor our great country, pay tribute to the heroes who fight to protect it, and loudly and proudly play the national anthem." yes, forget the eagles! we're going to celebrate the symbols of our country, like... eagles. ( laughter )
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and since there would be no eagles there, the white house was forced to rebrand today's festivities as "a celebration of america." now, there's an idea-- a celebration of america and all it stands for, right in the middle of the summer. i think this could work. let's get some fireworks, maybe a big parade. call it "the fifth of june!" ( cheers and applause ) i'm playing my flute. >> jon: oh, yeah! ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i don't-- that turned into a jig. and this afternoon, he did it-- the biggest, patriot-est, flag-a-bration ever. how much how much does he-- blah! how much does he love america? he knew mostthe wos of "the star-spangled banner" and a couple of the words to "god bless america." ♪ god bless america
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land that i love ♪ stand beside her and guide her ♪ through the night with the light from above ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: he's got to rest. >> jon: he's got to rest. >> stephen: he's got to rest. he's singing so hard, he's got to rest. it's kind of hard to hear what the president is not really singing. luckily, cbs news has acquired an exclusive? an exclusive version of the president's isolated mic. jim? ♪ god bless america let's eat a dove ♪ and be a tiger ( humming ) ♪ to the prairies ( humming )
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♪ trucks big and powerful my oatmeal's cold ♪ i miss melania i'm old and alone ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: beautiful, beautiful. right on key. >> jon: right on pitch. >> stephen: right on there. right on there. >> jon: amazing. but philly isn't taking this lying down, because the only time a philly fan is lying down is in his own vomit after winning the super bowl. ( applause ) the mayor-- the mayor of philly-- ( cheers and applause ) don't encourage them. don't encourage them! the mayor of philadelphia released an official statement, saying, "disinviting the eagles from the white house only proves that our president is not a true patriot, but a fragile egomaniac
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obsessed with crowd size and afraid of the embarrassment of throwing a party to which no one wants to attend." ( cheers and applause ) and-- and-- and-- listen to this-- the the mayor's chief of staff tweeted out a photo of philly's super bowl celebration crowd next to trump's inauguration crowd, saying, "our party was bigger than yours." (whistle) that's a personal foul. totally necessary roughness. first down. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. you know, they fill these with potpourri. you know who else is never going to be invited to the white house any time soon? former trump campaign manager
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and the entire rat pack smushed together minus sammy, paul manafort. manaforts house arre on 23 counts of fra a conspiracy in two different states, which is why he has to wear two g.p.s. tracking bracelets. one was not enough. you got to strap one on each ankle in case he goes coyote and chews off a leg. ( laughter ) and now, there's more legal trouble for manafort, because most of the charges are for illegal lobbying on behalf of a pro-putin group in ukraine. now, his legal team claims he's innocent because he never did any lobbying on behalf of that group in the united states. but mueller caught manafort trying to secretly get his accomplices to get their stories straight by contacting them through an unidentified intermediary who sent the message, "p. wants to give him a quick summary that he says to everybody-- which is true-- that our friends never lobbied in the u.s." brilliant code! ( laughter ) i wonder who this "p" could be. ( laughter ) i'll give you a hint: it starts
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with a "paul" and ends with a judge sayingilty ( cheers and applause ) manafort-- guilty. manafort used an encrypted messaging app to contact one of them saying, "we should talk." okay, no good conversation has ever started with "we should talk." he should've just gone with a classic: "u up? for lying to robert mueller?" ( laughter ) and the plan-- the plan would have worked, exipt for one tuny flaw. "the witnesses immediately gave the texts to the f.b.i. " d'oh. d'oh. note to self: do not give evidence of your crimes to the witness. and text. d'oh. we've got a great show for you
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tonight. president bill clinton is here, but when we come back, as always, donald trump has been lying to you. stick around! so, aunt katy, did you do anything for your birthday? well...best...birthday...ever!! not much. just stopped paying too much at verizon and switched to sprint's unlimited 55+ (vo) the new unlimited 55+ from sprint. for people with hearing loss, two lines for only $35 per month per line. visit sprintrelay.com we just switched to geico and got more. more? they've been saving folks money for over 75 years. a company you can trust. geico even helped us with homeowners insurance. more sounds great. gotta love more... right, honey? yeah! geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more.
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♪ for the latest styles where you'll spend less. ♪ spring dress. ♪ ♪ you gotta go to ross. if you want to save big on dresses for every occasion, you gotta go to ross. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and stay human right over there. there's the band. oh, my goodness. jon, you know what i'm excited about? >> jon: what's that. >> stephen: president william jefferson clinton is going to sit in that chair in five minutes. right there. >> jon: i love it. that's exciting. >> stephen: yeah. >> jon: that's going to be the best ever. >> stephen: did you see. >> -- did you see that interview on "the today" show yesterday. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: we might talk
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about it a little bit. are we over here? we're here. all right. hey, remember that trump tower meeting attended by don jr., jared kushner, and paul manafort-- also known as huey, duey, and colludy? ( laughter ) well, before the election, after being promised dirt on hillary clinton, they met with kremlin lawyer natalia veselnitskaya. ( laughter ) once the news of this meeting became public, don jr. released a statement saying the meeting was about adoptions. they were hoping to find a loving family for eric. call now. trump clearly wrote that statement for his son. you knew as soon as you read it. but if that were true, that would be obstruction of justice, so the president has repeatedly denied having anything to do with it. but it turns out trump's lawyers admitted in a letter to mueller
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that "the president dictated a response to 'the new york times' article on behalf of his son donald trump jr." of course he did! that letter could not have been more donald trump if it had been written in bronzer on the back -- of of a csk bucket, because-- and here's the thing you can't forget-- everything you think happened with donald trump is always what happened. anyone who's surprised to find out he was lying probably still watches "titanic" going, "i hope the boat's going to be okay." so this letter admits some guilt but it stresses that the president is not required to answer to the office of the special counsel, or anyone else, for his private affairs with his children. yes, this is a sacred father-son bonding moment. we all remember when dad would take you down to the old fishin' hole and say, "son, that's where i'm going to hide your body if you admit we colluded with the russians. don't tell your mother. which one was she again?" ( laughter ) ( applause )
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and-- and-- ( cheers ) and trump wasn't the only one lying to the american people. so were the liars who work for this liar. take trump lawyer and stock photo of businessman enjoying microphone," jay sekulow. he wrote the letter admitting trump drafted don jr.'s statement, but that's not what he said on "meet the press." >> the president was not, did not draft the response. the response came from donald trump jr. the president was not involved in the drafting of the statement and did not issue the statement. it came from donald trump jr. >> stephen: wow, he is good. but there is a very subtle tell when a president's lawyer is lying. see if you can spot it. right here! where he appears on tv. now it's possible that sekulow just got bum information from trump. so either he was lying to us, or
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the president was lying to him. though, to be fair, it was probably both. and sekulow's not alone. sarah huck-a-sanders also denied it last year. >> he certainly didn't dictate, but, you know, he-- like i said, he weighed in and offered suggestions like any father would do. >> stephen: yes, advice on hiding your crimes from the feds is what any father would do. i'm sorry. that's what any godfather would do. the point is-- the point is-- the point is, they've lied to us for a year, but now they've come clean and admitted that he dictated it. that i can believe. he does seem like a dictator. we'll be right back with james patterson and president bill clinton. join us. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) how do you become america's best-selling brand? surprise people with how much they can get in a small suv.
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' ( band playing ) ( a >> stephen: that's right hey, everybody. welcome back to "the late show." ladies and gentlemen, my first guests tonight are a bright young writing team with loads of potential. please welcome james patterson and president bill clinton! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers )
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stephen: pleasesir-- sirs. please, sirs. welcome, welcome to the ed sullivan theater.i'm ur host, s. >> oh, that's who you are! >> stephen: nice to meet you, mr. patterson. first time we've spoken. mr. president, we've talked many times before. always good to have aounjoy it? >> i do. i think you have a real future in this. >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you very much. i think you do, too. ( laughter ) now, you guys have been on the book tour-- how long have you been doing the book tour so far? >> second day. >> stephen: second day. well, it's been an eventful two days so far. i noticed-- i watch you on "the today" show yesterday morning. i noticed you didn't enjoy the entire interview. i want you to enjoy this one. but i do want to ask you something which is, when i got home last night, on the cnn-- they had a lower-third banner that said something about "william clinton's tone-deaf response to the question from
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"the today show." my question is, would you like a do-over on that answer? do you-- do you understand why some people thought that was a tone-deaf response-- >> absolutely. >> stephen: ...to his questions about the me, too movement and how you might reflect on your behavior 20 years ago, and how that reflection may change based on what you've learned through the me, too, movement. >> you know, when i saw the interview, i thought that because they had to, you know, distill it, and it looked like i was saying i didn't apologize and i had no intention to. and i was mad at me. >> stephen: well, you said in the interview you did apologize. you said you apologized in the interview. >> i did. and they showed a film clip finally. but what-- here's what i want to say. it wasn't my finest hour, but the important thing is, that was a very painful thing that
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happened 20 years ago. and i apologized to my family, to monica lewinsky and her family, to the american people. i meant it then. i meant it now. i've had to live with the consequences every day since. and i still believe this me too, movement is long overdue, necessary, and should be supported. and we should all-- ( cheers and applause ) and i'd like to think that we're all getting better as we go along. >> here's the other thing. president clinton.now with and i went in liking him. but in that year, i found he's just a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful human being. and he spent-- he spent his whole life trying to do good things for this country. and since he's been out of the presidency with the foundation, he's done incredible things for all-- all around the world. >> stephen: well, i would agree-- i would agree with you. ( applause ) if i could-- i would think some of the reason why people saw
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that interview and thought that it was tone deaf-- or whatever word they wanted to use-- is that you seemed surprised that that question would come up, that somehow this had all been adjudicateadjudicatedadjudicated there's no reason to talk about it again. where it seems like the spirit of the me too, movement it doesn't matter how long ago it happened. examples of men who were not held accountable for their behavior-- especially men in power with younger women or people who worked for them-- is worthy of being readjudicated or adjudicated for the first time, no matter how long ago it happened. it seemed tone deaf to me because you seemed offended to be asked about this thing when, in all due respect, sir, your behavior was the most famous example of a powerful man sexually misbehaving in the workplace of my lifetime. tow it doesn't seem surprising that the question was asked. why were you surprised. >> the question had been asked. >> stephen: by him? >> no other people in this
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context. >> stephen: in the me, too, context. >> and i didn't mind at all. but i didn't like this one because it started with an assertion that basically i had never apologized faz i had never tried to come to grips with it, and as if there had been no attempt to hold me accountable, which anybody who lived through that and knew the fact exwiewz it wasn't so. nonetheless, i realized, hey, there are a lot of people that don't have any memory of that, and all they saw was me mad, and i seemed to be tone deaf, to put it mildly. so last night when i was at my event-- we did an event in harlem with walter mosley-- i asked to say something about it, because i think it's important. people need to know i apologized. i meant it then. i mean it now. i've lived with the consequences. and i still support me, too. and i think we all need to keep trying to be doing better. and i-- i would never dispute that. >> stephen: "the new york times" reported that the democrats are not reaching out to you in 2018 to run because of
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the taint of your past experience with monica lewinsky in the light of the me, too, movement. is that true? and are you frustrateed by it? >> if it is, i don't know, because normally i don't do anything in primaries. i try to stay out of primaries because i'd be greatful to stay out of the primaries. but, look, i think it's amazing how the question is asked. i've been out of the white house for 18 years. i've had -- >> stephen: but you're a big gun. i mean, they send you out there like the cavalry at times. >> it is but i'll just see. i don't know. a lot of people have called and asked if i would do something when i can. but on the other hand, when i was a governor, i never had anybody come in for me. so-- and never wanted it. so everything's different now. and we'll just see what happens. i just want them-- what i want to say is these midterm elections are important, and the only people that really matter
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is not me, it's you. ( applause ) and one of the main reasons-- let me-- one of the main reasons this country is as polarized as it is is that ever since the gingrich revolution, right, which started -- >> stephen: 94. >> '94. and we started having republicans move hard to the right, and then redistricting, everybody worries more about the primary. the penalty for democrats voting more in presidential elections and midterms has gone way up, because most of the governors, most of the legislatures, the people who run the elections, thes secretaries of state, all the members of the house of representatives, and a third of the senate are elected in every midterm. and president obama, i think -- i think he did a really good job, but i think he could have done even more if all of us who voted in 2008-- and 2012 for him had also voted in 2010 and 2014.
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( cheers and applause ) and i think that-- >> stephen: and 2016. >> yeah. 2016, they had vladimir in there measing with it a little bit, too. ( laughter ) but i think the -- >> stephen: i never heard anybody call him "vladimir" before. don't make him sound friendly. don't make him sound friendly. >> but remember that, folks. don't-- don't let any of these articles take the election away from you. the only thing that really matters is you. keep in mind, the virginia elected a transgender democrat to a republican seat in the state legislature because-- ( cheers and applause ) because she said, "i don't want you to vote for me because i'm transgender. i don't want you to vote against me because i'm transgender. i want you to vote for me because you can't get to and from work, my opponent won't do anything about it, and i'll help you get to work on time and get
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home to see your kids. that's what we need to be doing. >> stephen: we have to take a little bit of a break. we'll be right back with more bill clinton and james patterson. stick around, everybody.
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we're back with president bill clinton and author james patterson, authors of "the president is missing." both of you are bestselling awght orlz. why do you need each other? ( laughter ) what did this man provide that
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you just couldn't imagine, james patterson. >> i think what separates this book from books that i've read and what most of you have read is the authenticity. there are a lot of thrillers out there. my goal, was to try to do the best thriller about a president that had been written. there isn't an attack in the united states in this country, if it happened, a devastating attack, it would happen something like this. the president disappears in this book. if it happened, it would happen-- it could happen something like this. >> stephen: what did you give him about the presidency, what details did you provide this man that he couldn't have imagined himself? what were the tidbits? launch codes? >> first of all, we started talking about this-- >> the launch code, yes. >> no, i didn't give him the launch codes. ( laughter ) relax -- >> stephen: it's just your birthday twice. >> i don't have them anymore. but we started talking about this in 2016. so the definition of whether
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this book is authentic or not has sort of changed in the last year and a half in terms of what really happened. ( laughter ) ( applause ) really, but it was everything from... the physical realities of how would you get the president out of the white house if that were going to happen? how would the president disappear for -- >> stephen: how? >> read the book. >> read the book. >> stephen: did you-- did you-- can i ask you-- did you give that subject a lot of thought around 1998? >> i thought about it all the time. i used to joke they could never tell whether the white house was the most beautiful public building in washington or the crown jewel of the federal prison system. because, you know, you're always kind of hemmed up. >> stephen: oh, right, right. >> but it was-- it was a joke. one of the things this book is,
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also a pretty strong endorsement of the secret service that has gotten some bad publicity over the years and i think it's been overdone the compared to the way they risk their lives to keep the president and the president's family safe and you will see that here. >> if you're interested in know what it's like to be president, this is a really good-- you really get a feeling for what it's like. and even more so than in a lot of good memoirs. because in the memoirs, they really can't talk about a lot of things. >> stephen: reading this gives you a good idea of what it is like to be president? >> yes. >> stephen: can we send this to donald trump so he has a standard-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen:-- a standard by which to judge his behavior. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! >> look, there is-- >> we know president trump isn't missing because we get tweets every morning you. >morning. >> stephen: we get tweet from melania and we don't know where she is jiervetion glad to see that picture of her. i like her.
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it made me feel good that she was all right. >> stephen: everybody likes her. you're a president, as a president, do you think you could pardon yourself? >> no. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: did anybody-- because the president's impeachment lawyer, emmet flood, was your impeachment lawyer. did he bring it up? >> no-- well, he worked, on the team. >> stephen: he worked on the team. >> yeah. >> stephen: sure. i've never met this mr. flood. >> none of us-- none of us ever considered that. one of the things that-- if you look at the way the book opens and you look at the questions you just asked me. >> stephen: yes. >> one of the things that every president has to do, if you're going into a hearing, you're going into a news conference, you do what i didn't do before i did that interview that will i groat youn as my finest hour. call "a murder board." your own staff sits there and
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asks you middle eastern questions than colbert would. >> stephen: i'm the nicest guy on television. ( laughter ). >> and so you will see that in the paper-- in-- and the president will go along, and he'll be just fine. and finally, they just hit his hot button, and he gives the answer that his heart wants to give. and he's all hot up, and they say, "okay, that's answer "a." let's go to plan "b" here. give the answer you know you should." you should want that to happen. a lot of these matters involve national security. they're not always just an attack on the president. >> stephen: as a writer, mr. patterson, do you think donald trump is a believable character? ( laughter ). >> i, you know -- >> stephen: are we living-- ( cheers and applause ). >> well, it makes it -- >> stephen: are we living-- are we living in a cheap novel right now? >> some of the things that are going on-- there just was a thing today, just recently, about him possibly bringing rodman to singapore. as a fiction writer, it's hard to keep up with-- i mean, that's
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tough competition. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you met-- sir, you went over to help free some hostages on behalf of the obama administration. you went over there to free-- you met kim jon-il. what can mr. trump expect when he sits down with the leader of north korea, brief? >> stephen: briefly, he can expect to meet a guy who is reluctant to give up his nuclear weapons, because they think when they give them up they're more likely to be overthrown. he wants to stay in power. but he can already expect a person who has told his own people he will make a better life for them. so the key to this whole thing is the president of south korea, who has been brilliant in bringing north korea into the olympics. brilliant in understanding how the psychology of president trump and president kim jong-un. and so if we-- we should all want president trump to succeed
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here. >> stephen: i agree. >> every one of us should. ( applause ) and we should-- we should measure success not by the guy saying, "oh, i was a bad boy for throwing them away."ns and but if he comes out of this thing reducing the likelihood of a nuclear exchange or the nuclear materials being given away, stolen, or sold to terrorist groups, in return for something that the south korean president and the chinese will support to make them slightly more prosperous, that's progress. you should want something that makes us safer, our neighbors, south korea, safer, and them a little better off. ( applause ). >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here, sir. >> thank you. >> stephen: mr. patterson. a pleasure to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: "the president is missing" is in stores now. bill clinton and james patterson, everybody! we'll be right back with tig notaro. thank you, sir. discover magnum double caramel...
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welcome back to "the late show." >> stephen: my next guest is a very funny comedian whose new special is called "happy to be here." we're happy to have her. please welcome, tig notaro! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome, welcome. >> thank you, thank you. un, i always mean to tell you this when i come here, but this theater has such a great vibe. ( cheers ) i know. it's -- >> stephen: well, thanks, thanks. >> no, thank you. it's like a roomful of pleasant subspace particles wrapped in a tachyon field of good vibes. >> stephen: that's-- thank you, thank you. >> i have no idea what i'm saying on that show? >> stephen: people may not know this, you are actually a cast member of the new season of
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"star trek discovery." >> all joking aside, all joking aside -- >> stephen: i love-- there's nothing i love more when i hear a comedian say, "all joking aside." then i go, "now it's going to get good." >> no, i say that before i say anything. i'm that kind of comedian. >> stephen: uh-huh... >> yeah. a lot of times people have a hard time recognizing my comedy, and that's fine. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how did you-- were you always a "star trek" fan? how did one get a part? because i'm jealous. i would love to be on "star trek." >> you should come with me. >> stephen: but i have-- ( applause ) i'll do it! i've got this gig. how did you get this gig? were you always a fan? >> well, you don't just get gigs because you're a fan. >> stephen: how about-- >> it's like, "oh, she's a fan? let's give her a ring-a-ding." >> stephen: but you might try for the gig if you're a fan. >> no, i didn't try, i just-- they just asked ifimented to do it. >> stephen: they thought you would fit into the "star trek"
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universe. are you a human? >> i am a human, yes. i'm a commander. >> stephen: oh! commander...? >> jet reno. expwhand i actually got to name because basis i was like, "oh, there are jets and stuff." >> stephen: is that in honor of janet reno? >> yeah. sure. >> stephen: you're lying? >> i am. >> stephen: you're a liar. >> i am lying, all joking aside. ( laughter ). >> stephen: if you-- if you-- if you have trouble saying that little monologue you did, where you didn't understand anything you were saying, how do you the lines? because it's all that, right? >> >> don't. it's so embarrassing. there's no-- i can't even picture what i'm talking about, you know. when i'm learning lines in other shows or movies or something, i can kind of visualize what i'm talking about. on "star trek" i'm just like, "okay, i have to just remember these words." ( laughter ). >> stephen: it's just sound
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jazz. mouth jazz with tig notaro, in space! >> yeah you. >> stephen: have a cool outfit or anything? >> well, yeah. >> stephen: or anything like that? >> it's a "star trek" uniform, so it's cool. i was just in mississippi visiting my cousin, and i told him i was on "star trek" this, new season, and he was like, "oh, wow, tig. you know you've made it when you're in outer space." ( laughter ) >> stephen: i feel the same way, though. because i'm a science fiction junky, i totally feel the same way. i would really-- could we do our show from space? no. call elon musk. you also-- you just wrote a movie with your wife, stephanie about a female president. >> yes. >> stephen: who is played by jennifer aniston. >> that's glect exphu correct. >> stephen: and you are the first lady. did you model yourself on anybody. melania, bill? >> bill was never the first.
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>> stephen: no, but he was going to be the first lady's man if she ever got in, or the firs. and you know it, speak of bill, and then not to speak about bill. i just want to say about monica lewinsky. >> stephen: okay. >> i know her-- not well-- but i want to remind people that to get a job at a young age as an intern in the white house you have to be an exceptional human being. and she is. and i just want to remind people of that. ( cheers and applause ) that's all i want to say. >> stephen: that's nice. >> and i want to get back to my friend jen aniston. >> stephen: also an exceptional person. >> she's going to be the president of the united states. >> stephen: is she a friend? did you write this with her in mind? >> she is a friend. i have to say that on national television. she's absolutely a friend. very good friend. ( laughter ) we text. >> stephen: oh, you do. >> actually.
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>> stephen: oh, that's a sure sign. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. either your friend or drug dealer. >> i was actually surprised because she's such a kind of chill person, and her texts are, like, big rainbows and sparkles and bang-bang pops. >> stephen: the balloons dropping, the confetti and all that. >> i was like, "whoa! didn't see this coming." >> stephen: the text you would get from your mother. >> yeah. if she were alive. >> audience: oooh. >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for, tig. >> stephen: okay, you have an upcoming movie. you've got the-- you've got the special on netflix, "happy to be here." >> "happy to be here." >> stephen: are you happy to be here? >> i'm thrilled. >> stephen: because you play your happy cards pretty close to your chest. >> ste: ohyou smste: yeah >> i-- i am.
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it's-- you know, my special "happy to be here," i see it as, like, the third piece to a trilogy. i had an album called "live," they put out when i had cancer. i had a follow-up album called "boyish girl interrupted," where i was kind of crawling out of everything that i was going through. and then this special is just my personal joy of happy to be on this planet and happy to be doing comedy, and i am-- i am a happy person. >> stephen: good, good. ( applause ) >> stephen: "happy to be here" is on netflix now. tig notaro, everybody! we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be mandy moore, sara bareilles and josh groban, and musical guest, meghan trainor. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

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