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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 12, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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tomorrow morning at 4-30. michelle griego and ke l the news you late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump, thank you for sitting down with me in singapore pop now, let's get to it, sir. what was it like meeting kim jong-un? >> i've met him. i've spoken with him. >> stephen: but have you spoken with him? >> i have spoken with him. >> stephen: it sounds like you two met. what was your takeaway after meeghtd him? >> his country does love him. you see the people. they have a great fervor. >> stephen: yes, they cheer for him as if their life depends on it. moving on, with some summit, kim jong-un got respect on the world stage, an end to military exer sizes between the united states and south korea. no timeline to give up nuclear weapons or stop human rights
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abuses. did you get anything in return? ( laughter ) it is nice. so, how would you describe the deal that you signed? >> i don't think a deal could be softer. >> stephen: i see. and what of fthis deal emboldens kim jong-uee a mistake. that's always possible. >> stephen: ultimately, sir, if this meeting with kim blows up in your face and you have been played by an evil dictator, whose fault is that? >> the prime minister of canada. it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes tonight, the handshake heard around the world. plus stephen welcomes is ed helms michael k. williams and tom papa. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the
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ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! very nice. beautiful. thank you very much. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stehen colbert. today we all woke up in a different world, because late last night-- yesterday morning-- long-awaited summit with north korean dictator and stuffed animal of himself, kim jong-un. and from the beginning, donald trump signaled he was serious about peace, because he didn't greet kim with his normal alpha male hand battle. instead, he disarmed his handshake. look at that! come ogive him the nobel peace prize now.
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after a brief one-on-one meeting, the two leaders got down to the most important item on the agenda-- lunch ( laughter ) including, "korean stuffed cucumber." well, there's your head: "trump ate eye vegetable." they said it couldn't be done. they scoffed! by the way, korean stuffed cucumber is stuffed with koreans. kim is a monster. before the meal, trump gave pool photographers some direction: >> getting a good picture everybody? so we look nice and handsome and thin? perfect. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that-- that is the face of a n really hoping the translator got that wrong. ( laughter ) "what? did he just...?"
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the two leaders got along great. trump even showed kim the inside of his cadillac. "what's it going to take to talk you out of your nukes and into this cadillac? okay, look, my manager's gonna kill me, but so would your nukes, so..." then the moment came that the world was waiting for: the signing of the histor-ish agreement. so that's it. the agreement's signed. bring home the aircraft carriers, boys, then go to times square and kiss a nurse. but ask first. a lot has changed since world war ii. and the reviews are in: >> we did not get a whole lot. >> we have nothing concrete. >> we got nothing in return. >> it's difficult to determine what of a concrete nature has occurred. >> he did not get what even he said that he wanted. >> stephen: yeah, you know, he ordered a hamburger, and they gave him a cucumber. ( laughter ) now, here's the deal, okay:
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kim got u.s. security guarantees. but in exchange, he agreed to work toward denuclearization of the korean peninsula, but that was just reaffirming an earlier agreement he already had with south korea. it's like trump saw north and south korea getting together and was like, "that looks good, who's up for a three-way? i'm a selfish lover." ( laughter ) you have to promise more-- kim gave us so little-- you have to promise more than kid did when you sign the itunes user agreement. and i'm not making that up. "gizmodo" pointed out, apple makes you agree to "not use these products for any purposes prohibited by united states law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of missiles or nuclear, chemical or biological weapons." that-- that is unbelievable! >> jon: wow ( cheers and applause )
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did you ever rthat thi? >> stephen: it's just incredible that someone read the itunes user agreement. ( laughter ) and the two countries also "committed to hold follow-on negotiations." so, the result of this meeting was to agree to another meeting. it's not exactly a nothing burger. it's more like a bun that says, "we agree bilaterally to the potential future placement of meat somewhere in the toasted zone." trump downplayed what america gave up. >> only a person that dislikes donald trump would say that i've agreed to make a big commitment. >> stephen: fun fact: that line is straight from his wedding vows. ( cheers and applause ) it's a love story. it's a love story. and trump explained how he was in the right state of mind for these delicate negotiations. >> i haven't slept in 25 hours.
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>> stephen: he was going to sleep on the plane plane, but they had "boz baby." of course, there is the small detail that trump is entering into a deal with a homicidal boy-king. but trump is just working with what he's got. >> kim is a brutal dictator. he runs a police state, forced starvation, labor camps. he's assassinated members of his own family. how do you trust a killer like that? >> george, i'm given what i'm given, okay? >> stephen: he's given what he's given, okay? kim kills his own people, but it's not like he kneeled during the national anthem. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- be fair. be fair. >> jon: not colin kaepernick, you know,. >> stephen: didn't happen, didn't happen. but trump managed to look on the murderous dictator's bright side. >> well, he is very talented. anybody that takes over a situation like he did at 26 years of age and is able to run it, and run it tough-- i don't
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say he was nice, or i don't say anything about it. he ran it. and very few people at that age-- you can take one out of 10,000 probably couldn't do it. >> stephen: you don't give dictators points for being young! that's like saying "you know, vlad the impaler became ruler at age 20. nobody talks about that. everyone gets all hung up on the impaling part, okay, not how young he was. he was the mozart of sticking wood through people." and, ultimately, trump was confident that kim would follow through on their agreement. unless he doesn't. >> honestly, i think he's gonna do these things. i may be wrong. i mean, i may stand before you in six months and say "hey, i was wrong." i don't know that i will ever admit that, but i will find some sudybecome self-aware? "if i'm wrong, i'll make up an excuse. then i'll start to believe the excuse. then i'll attack anyone who
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remembers what i used to say, because it was all obama's idea." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "and that guy-- why? why did he say that?" and trump's already seeing ways to make money off this deal. >> they have great beaches. you see that whenever they're exploding their cannons into the oceans. i said, "boy, look at that view. wouldn't that make a great condo behind that?" and i explained, i said, "you know, instead of doing that, you could have the best hotels in the world right there. think of it from a real estate perspective." >> stephen: how about think of it from a presidential perspective? because i don't remember churchill saying this: >> stephen: that sounds good. that sounds good. ( cheers and applause ) that's what happened.
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he just never said it. >> stephen: well, north korea is way ahead of trump. and tonight "late show" has an exclusive look at their tourism ad. >> visit beautiful north korea for rest, relaxation, and radiation. you'll be blown away by our beaches and artillery. and enjoy television with options like state tv or off. and you won't believe the all-you-can-eat buffet. it's just the photo. that's why you can't believe it. beautiful north korea the people's paradise. says please send back our gnome. we're worried." >> stephen: so there's your deal. ( applause ) mission accomplished. anyway, the point is trump's a statesman now, headed to the nobel prize. clearly, this is the start of a new president trump, who approaches his job with purpose and dignity.
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( laughter ) i'm just kidding. laugh because on his flight home he tweeted this: "robert de niro, a very low-i.q. individual, has received to--" misspelled "--many shots to the head by real boxers in movies. i watched him last night and truly believe he may be 'punch-drunk.' i guess he doesn't dot-dot-dot-dot... dot-dot-dot, realize the economy is the best it's ever been with employment being at an all-time high, and many companies pouring back into our country. wake up, punchy!" sir, it's good to have you back. we've got a great show for you ed helms ihere. but when we return, i'll show you donald trump's secret summit weapon: visual aids. stick around!
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( applause ). >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! jon batiste and stay human right there! jon good to be out here. thanks, everybody. you know, before the break, evidence out here, and we've been talking night about donald trump's histor-ish summit with kim jong-un, and the president didn't just talk the talk. he showed kim a video that, for some reason, they made it look like a movie trailer.
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>> destiny pictures presents a story of opportunity, a new story. a new beginning. one of peace. two men. two leaders. one destiny. there can only be two results: one of moving back, or one of moving forward. a new world can begin today, one of friendship, respect, and good will. what if? >> stephen: that's right, to symbolize moving forward, they showed missiles going backwards, wild horses in the surf, and a
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cameo from sylvester stallone. that makes sense because the only video more over the top than this is "over the top." and the video that they showed him-- and they actually made this exproo showed it to him, okay. the video shows kim that peace brings all of the incredible riches that stock footage can provide: delicious food, drone delivery, slides, speedboat races, unlimited babies, and monster jams. that, of course, was to appeal to kim's famous love of basketball and his favorite team, the generic city stock footages! and just like any good movie trailer, it had the stars. >> which half will be chosen. featuring president donald trump and chairman kim jong-un in a meeting to remake history. >> stephen: ugh, so many remakes
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these days. ( laughter ) do we really need to remake history? or "tomb raider?" and this video really could have used an editor, because they repeated themselves a lot. it had four different bridges to the future; two people wearing v.r. headsets; the destiny pictures logo twice; and not one, not two, not three, not four, but five different sunrises. ( laughter ) that's right. yeah, give it up for the sun! ( cheers and applause ) the source of all our power! trump put five different suns in there. and, no surprise, none of them were eric. ♪ ♪ thru, thank you. what an honor. but i'm worried this video isn't quite enough to convince kim jong-un. so i've had my best editors go through the finest stock footage
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and huff the best ether available to create an even more compelling trailer. >> earth, where history happens, and history is always moving forward. because that's how time works. ( laughter ) and what if we wrote in korean? definitely pictures presents the story of a man who dared to dream, to wave, to laugh at lube. we're talking about you, right there. two paths lay before you. >> one, two. >> will you choose a better future? prosperity, innovation, water slides. so much food you won't know what to do with it. of or will you choose... can two powerful men forge the bond that brings world peace? and lose their virginity before
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prom? ♪ hey now, you're an all star >> this summer, love goes nuclear! will you shake the hand of peace? will you massage the ankles of history? will you slam dunk the ball of destiny? and how many sunrises... will... it take? >> star kim jong-un and donald trump. with a special appearance by dolf lundgren. >> i must break you. >> in "the summit of all fears: mission kimpossible ii, singapore drift." >> stephen: we'll be right back with ed helms. ( cheers and applause )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! ladies and gentlemen welcome back to "the late show," "already in progress. folks, my first guest tonight has starred in the"hangover" movies, "the office," and something called "the daily show." starting friday, you can see him in "tag." >> what i like about freedom atlantic is we're not like other insurance companies. we're big, but small. we are, uh, global. >> yet local. >> that's exactly right. sorry, one second. hey, could you maybe come back at another time? we're just right in the middle of something. sir? >> i'm afraid not, bob!>> hoagig here? >> how did you get past security? >> i didn't. i work here.
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>> you got a job at my company so you could try to tag me? >> come on, bob. it's over. >> you don't think i can escape from my own conference room? >> where are you going to go? >> well, guess what? watch now. this is happening! >> stephen: please welcome, ed helms! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> wow. >> stephen: hey. >> howdie. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> always great to see you. >>aise said in the intro you used to work for can the the daily show." but you know, "the office" did you watch add "the office" as long as can the the daily show" or longer? >> longer. >> stephen: wow.
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what a fantastic thing to have been a part of, you know? >> yeah! >> stephen: that is a show you can watch again after the first time you watch it. whereas, topical humor, basically, you watch it once and you're done. >> that's true, right. >> stephen: this is just the kindling of entertainment. >> no one is binge watching the glower days of "the daily show" when we were on it, right? >> stephen: i am, i am. no, but people are binge watching "the office." >> it's crazy. >> stephen: they watch it over and over again. a whole new generation is discovering it now. >> yeah, it's kind of ridiculous. young kids who weren't alive when it started come up to me in airports and they're like, "ri-da-da-do! and i'm like right on. >> stephen: it was my honor to be brockry rob. >> that's right. >> stephen: i was your nemesis. thank you so much. >> it was an honor to have you. >> stephen: i get compliments on that and i never even got to be in the same room with you when we did it, because it was all done via remote. >> oh, that's right. you've achieved a lot in your
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career, and i am extremely proud of you. but i think it's fair to say-- ( cheers and applause ) right. >> stephen: my sense is this isn't going to end well. >> but broccoli rob is your crowning achievement you. >> stephen: can't watch this twice. i want to talk about your career. you're from the south and i'm from the south. southern men are considered to be gentlemen, and you're a young man from georgia. you're and he canned to be polite from the south. to a fault, almost. >> sure. >> stephen: that's how we lost the civil war, just too polite about it. >> go ahead, you guys -- >> stephen: burn atlanta. that's fine, you go, you go. you've been in some things that require not politeness. "the hangover" movies are not polite. >> no. >> stephen: being a correspondent for "the daily show"-- >> downright rude. >> stephen: how do you reconcile that-- that career and
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the politeness required from your youth? >> that's a great ye. >> stephen: thank you. >> as a-- i mean, we're both genteel, right, sophisticated southerners, which i think is another way of saying we're both, like, super repressed. >> stephen: yes. and not good at sports. ( laughter ). >> and so, and maybe even bullied a little as kids. all of that repression, i think, just needed an outlet, which is how "the hangover" came about. >> stephen: oh, so basically your career is just expression of repressed rage. >> yes, that's exactly right, yes. >> stephen: ditto, my friend. >> although there are-- there are some good things that came of it, too. the root-a-do-ta-do, that andy said in office. a lot of people asked me where that came from. it started as a thing that these bullies at my school would, like, after they gave you a wedgy or pushed you down or, you
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know, humiliated you, they'd go root-a-do-did a-do. at an expression of dominance. like i owned you. >> stephen: their expression of dominance was root-a-do-do-do. >> that's what made it more terrifying. it's just one of those irrational expressions. so i took that and made something positive. it became a-- it became an andy bernard's expression of joy. >> stephen: sure. well, now you've got the new movi." okay, this is based on a true story, i understand. >> it is. yeah. it's very cool, actually. these-- these guys in spokane, washington, they really do this. they-- spokane! ( applause ) somebody. all right. they-- this group of 10 guys, they've been playing the same game of tag for, like, 40 years. >> stephen: and still doing it? >> they still do it.
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it started when they were in grade school, and now as adults, one month out of the year, they-- it's open season. and they just go berserk. and they travel around the country. they hunt each other down, like, you know, like hunting an animal for sport. >> stephen: and until they're back together again, one guy is it? >> yeah, one guy is "it" for the whole year. and that month, tag is on. and it's insane, right. >> stephen: do they get hurt or do they-- because that sounds like-- adult men chasing each other around trying to tag each other sounds like at least tearing an a.c.l. has got to happen at some point. >> yeah, yeah, i think-- yeah, i mean, certainly reenacting it, we hurt ourselves. i have to say the fact that it's real is the only reason i think you can make that movie because the premise is so absurd. i mean, if you-- if you-- if you showed me a script about adults who play tag, i'd be like, "get out of my office.
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you're a crazy person." and the fact that it's real, it's like that's a cool adventure. i want to be a part of that. >> stephen: what if the guy who is "it" dies? ( laughter ). >> boy. let's-- ( laughter ) let's-- let's go down this-- let's go down this road. >> stephen: let's do it. >> this is going to be great. >> stephen: i'm serious, let's say the guy's name is bob. bob is "it" during the 11 months when they're not tagging each other. it's, "tag, you're it, bob." and during that period of time, he has a bungee jumping accident. >> okay. >> stephen: and bob is gone. what happens now? is the game over? >> no, i think somebody probably at the wake or something just, like, touches him and then-- ( laughter ) i'm not-- it would probably be inappropriate -- >> stephen: it's not in his consciousness. it's in his corpus. it's in the body itself. i didn't realize what the rules were. >> by the way, i'm guessing. i don't know. that didn't happen. >> stephen: i heard jeremy renner broke both his arms. >> yeah!
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jeremy renner broke both arms. >> stephen: how did he break both of his arms? >> here's what's crazy. jeremy renner, action star, hawkeye, he is an "avenger." he was jason bourne. he's "mission impossible." he's in this photo right here. what is happening here? >> we crashed a wedding. that's sort-- that's the cast of "tag." and we were doing a-- some press in miami last week. and we barged in on a wedding. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did they know who you guys were immediately? >> so, it-- we were-- we were kind of having dinner next to this wedding. and we were talking like, "should we-- would it be cool or fun tow kind of just jump in and say hi?" we were really back and north. "i don't know." jeremy renner, god bless him, was like, "i'll do it." and he just walks right in there, and right away somebody is like, "it's hawkeye!" and that's when we felt like, okay this, going to be fine. and we all went in there.
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>> stephen: that's why he wasn't in "infinite war." he's at her wedding. >> he's crashing wed gltion how did he break his arms? >> he fell. >> stephen: okay. ed helms, everybody. thank you so much for being here. "tag" is in theaters this friday. we'll be right back with michael k. williams. ( cheers and applause ) sweat. water break. uh-huh. nobody drinks, 'till this guy sweats. gotta see some sweat. degree advanced protection works up to 125 degrees. but be careful, it won't let you down.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show." you know my next guest from "the wire," "boardwalk empire," and "the night of." he now stars in "superfly." >> leave money on the table so we don't get caught. >> if you see an opportunity, you have to take it. >> sometimes the opportunity ain't where you're looking. if it's too good to be true, it probably is. >> maybe we're just that good. >> you ain't that good. and the answer's no. >> stephen: please welcome, michael k. williams.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, good to have you back. >> good to be bark man, good to be back. >> stephen: everybody admires you as an actor. but i just found out you're actually-- you're an amateur chef. you really enjoy cooking. >> oh, man. >> stephen: what's it do for you? >> you know what? cooking gives me a chance to be with the people i love, my friends and family, and i get to stuff them with good food, which i love and see them-- you know what i mean? i love to bring people together. >> stephen: is it complicated food? is it fancy or is it comfort food? >> it's simple-- comfort food, definitely. i love to prep. my go-to multicaribbean dishes. curry chicken. i i got a really special spa gety and matte ball s. >> stephen: my comfort, when my family needs it, we shrimp and grits. >> my father is american from
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the south. >> stephen: where in the south? >> cowght carolina. >> stephen: greenville. >> greeleyville. >> stephen: sure, sure, i know that area. >> but my mother's side, we do some amazing things with grits. there's a dish called grits peas and r but you replthor grits, and pigeon peas for lima beans, and it's called grits below. it's a dinner side dish. it's really amazing. >> stephen: you actually-- you did something that i would love to have done. i was able to-- i had the pleasure of interviewing anthony bourdain a few times, but did you "no reservations." and you took him around brooklyn. what was that day like? what was it like to shoot a show with him? >> it was really awesome. i was nervous. i got a call from anthony bourdain. i was like what is this? and they were like, "he wants you to show him brooklyn." and i was like, "i'm from the
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'hood. is he okay with that? i'm not taking him to bougie williamsburg where i live now. we were walking in the projects on the block where i literally was raised on. you know, the kids start running up behind us. and i'm like, "excuse me, anthony. yes, kids." and they were like... they wanted anthony! and i was like, wait. >> stephen: the kids from your old neighborhood. >> i swear to you. they ran up. and i thought they wanted to speak to me and they wanted anthony. they were hitting me and i was like you little... you little. i squeaks. you're too young to watch "the wire." he turned around, man, and he just was so gracious. he spoke to all of them, took pictures and everything. and i took him to a restaurant in crown heights called gloria's, a caribbean spot. i said, "how good you know food. if you know how to eat ox tails you're my kind of guy." he knew how to eat ox tails mean
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eat it with your hands. go you go around and get in the crevice s. >> stephen: so fork and knife. >> no fork and knife for wthe ox tails. that's as bad as eating fried chicken with a fork and knife. that's not possible. >> stephen: or pizza with a fork and knife,. >> nothing happening. >> stephen: speak of "the wire." the new movie is called "superfly," which is based on a 1972 blaxploitation film that had the movement of curtis mayfield in it. you said you listen to music before getting into character. what music did you listen to for omar? >> i listened to lauryn hill, a beautiful record. >> stephen: how about chalky white for "boardwalk empire." >> chalky white was a lot of naus. >> stephen: freddie knight. >> mary j. blige and biggie? >> >> stephen: what about your experience pooerns on this show? what did you listen to before?
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( laughter ). >> leon bridge s. >> stephen: oh, yeah, sure. >> i like that kid. a little janelle monae. >> stephen: what should i listen to before i come out here? >> the go-to, if you really want to get your swag up, aretha franklin. "rock steady." can't go wrong. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: michael thank you so much for being here. "superfly" is in theaters tomorrow. michael k. williams, everybody! we'll be right back with tom papa. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) i'm captain obvious and rewards me basically everywhere. so why am i doing goat yoga at this mountain resort? because lets me do me. ahhh. the smell of goat. you do you and get rewarded. for 25% off the hottest athletic brands for dad! like nike golf polos - $33.75 under armour shoes - from $48.75
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infection, which can be serious. pml, a rare, serious, potentially fatal braininfes may be possible. this condition has not been reported with entyvio. tell your doctor if you have an infection, experience frequent infections or have flu-like symptoms or sores. liver problems can occur with entyvio. if your uc or crohn's treatment isn't working for you, ask your gastroenterologist about entyvio. entyvio. relief and remission within reach.
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...prepare to be moved...r!... prepare to be awed... prepare to make a mad dash...ce incredicoaster... ...pixar pal-a-round... ...and a bunch of your favorite pixar characters... it's going to be pretty incredible. pixar pier, opening june 23rd. only at disney california adventure park. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." folks, my next guest i a std-upedian whjust publd his first bo"your daole my rake." please welcome, tom papa!
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>> stephen: aren't you the timely one. father's day is this sunday? >> yes. >> stephen: and your new book is "your dad stole my rake." what a perfect gift for dad. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're a dad now. you speak from a position of experience. you have how many kids, two? >> i've got two, two daughter s. >> stephen: yes. >> and they are beautiful! they are beautiful! and i haven't seen them in weeks. ( laughter ) but-- i got books to sell. >> stephen: right. >> but i'll go home on father's day and we'll hang out. >> stephen: is it a big thing in your house? >> i don't really know. it's not really up to me. they're in charge. i have no authority in my home. ( laughter ) >> stephen: just on father's day-- >> no, pretty much every day. >> stephen: okay. >> i spoil them. not like my father. my father was tough and he was a hard-- he didn't do anything what kidsmented to do. he just did what old men wanted to do. and that is not how it works in my house. i could take my kids for ice cream three times a week.
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yeah. you should see want entitlement. i've spoiled them. i've made them into monsters. with the samples-- 12-year-old girls and their friends with no. no. college kid sweating his ass off back there. no! my father took us out for ice cream once. he said, "everyone gets one scoop of vanilla. no cone. put outer your hands." ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow. do you want something for father's day? what-- like, what are you hoping-- because if you say it now, if you say now what you want, they've got-- they've got a great hint and you might get it. >> i don't want anything. i don't want anything. you don't want anything. no father wants anything. no father wants anything. what camera i can look in? no fatherments anything. ( laughter ) no more presents for dad. my book could be "the last present for dad." that's it. that's my guest to you. a father does not need presents. there's no-- don't-- your dad
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does not want you running around the mall buying mini helicopters, shirts he's not going to wear. dad is there. he wants to see your face, and that's it. he has everything he needs. think of your dad like a clam. ( laughter ) he's there. you wouldn't buy a clam a sweater. ( laughter ) he won't wear it. neither will your father. ( laughter ) #r. >> stephen: father's day's a tough time to get a sweater, too. it's in june. >> yeah, that would be a horrible gift but you run out of other ideas for him. this is a man who-- he's like the couch. it is our job to be there and be consistent. mom changes, changes her hair, changing all the time. kids change, they grow, they're changing. dad stays the same. walks into the kitchen in the same shirt, little hair sticking up in the back, makes a goofy joke-- yaay. that's it. imagine, stephen if you came
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into the kitchen one morning with black lipstick and told everyone you're going goth. >> stephen: freak out. >> the whole corporation would crumble. >> stephen: summertime, are the kids in schools? are they the kinds who have the summer off at this point? are they pretty young? >> they're the kind of children who have off. >> stephen: when they grow up they don't. they have to work. >> that's true. >> stephen: when they're around, that's fun. do you go on vacation? >> yes, yes. it's time for family vacations. >> stephen: yes. >> it is a horrible thing. it is-- ( laughter ) it is a-- it is gut-wrenching, soul-crushing sticky affair but you have to go. you have to do it. >> stephen: and "sticky" because? >> because you're going to-- you're going to buy things that you don't want to buy. you're going to stand in line for things you do not like. you're going to buy food for people who do not peept ( laughter ) you're going to stand in theme parks and eat things on a stick. you're going to wear a bathing
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suit all day long in public. ( laughter ) you're going to swim next to people who normally you would cross the street to avoid. ( laughter ) that's why you're sticky. but you have to go. >> stephen: true. right. >> you have to go. >> stephen: you're a bad parent if you don't take your kids, right? >> you have gloog after it's over you're exhausted, right? >> yup. >> stephen: you need a vacation from the vacation. >> well yes, of course. it's more upsetting for the children than us at first. think of-- you don't know your parents that well when you're a little kid. now you're in a hotel room really close to them. ( laughter ) it's very-- i remember sitting on the hotel bed waiting for my father to come out of the bathroom thinking, "what is he doing in there? why is he taking so long? what are those noises? it sounded like a polar bear rummaging through a dumpster filled with balloons." ( laughter )
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and then ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: true. >> that's what it sounds like. >> stephen: that's true. that's what ist sounds like. >> and then he comes out and gives that dad line, "i wouldn't go there if i were you." but you're a child, you have nowhere else to go. i remember standing in the bathroom trying to brush my teeth and hold my breath at the same time. but you have to take them. you have to go. but you're right, at the end, i do feel a little exhausted. and i think that's when you have to circle back and go with your wife or husband and you have to leave. the two of you-- it's seriousue have to go out and do things on your own. >> stephen: after the vacation you have to be alone together. >> yes, at some point, because u're the people who started this whole thing. and you forget -- >> stephen: you might have second thoughts. you might have second thoughts after you spend time with your children. thas rit. you're like, "what have we done? this is a horrible thing we did." >> stephen: how do you repair the damage from the vacation? >> anything, anything works.
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just get out of the house house the two of you alone. once the two of us got in the minivan and we were tired. we didn't want to go anywhere. we didn't want to go to dinner, we literally-- i'm not kidding, opened the garage door, crept back in with the minivan, shut the door and hung out there. >> stephen: you turned the car off, right? ( laughter ) >> i have no way of knowing that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, tom, thanks for being here. the book is "your dad stole my rake." it's perfect for father's day. tom papa, everybody. we'll be right back.
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i'm april kennedy and i'm an arborist with pg&e in the sierras. since the onset of the drought, more than 129 million trees have died in california. pg&e prunes and removes over a million trees every year to ensure that hazardous trees can't impact power lines. and since the onset of the drought we've doubled our efforts. i grew up in the forests out in this area and honestly it's heartbreaking to see all these trees dying. what guides me is ensuring that the public is going to be safer and that these forests can be sustained and enjoyed by the community in the future.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be anthony scaramucci and michael avenatti, betty gilpin, and musical guest, chromeo, featuring drahm. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh


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