tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS June 14, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
it is friday. you finally played it. see you tomorrow house and a mule's making a bunted cake. the world cup in russia is underway. >> putin spoke at the opening ceremony. let's take a listen. >> russia will win -- or else. he seems confident in. the first big matchup today, russia had an unexpected win against saudi arabia. the saudis were clearly hampered earlier in the game when the team fell out of a hotel window. >> that's gotta sting! brazil vs. ukraine. was looking good till ukraine was annexed by russia and the brazilian team fell out a hotel window. >> lot of that going around. will russia go away? i don't see it, russia is talented with a weak offense,
leaky defense and -- hold on. oh, we have been invited to go look out the window. let's check it out! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. today donald trump blows out the candles. plus stephen welcomes natalie portman, marc maron and musical guest alt-j with special guests pusha t and twin shadow. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: hey! hey! come on! hello! thank you very much! welcome, everybody! please, have a seat. you're too kind. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert.
( cheers and applause ) you know, folks -- donald trump was born 72 years ago today. and i just want say, sir, i wish you a very... birthday. ( laughter ) fun fact, trump's birthday is also flag day. and we know how much he loves the flag. ( laughter ) someone give that flag michael avenatti's card. although i criticize president trump, i did get him a gift. sir, i hope you enjoy these cufflinks. just let me know. ( cheering ) if you have trouble getting them on. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) of course, the gift he wanted was the inspector general's report on the department of justice's handling of the hillary clinton email probe.
which was released today, so it's time for another installment of our long-running segment: hillary clinton: impeachment watch! ( laughter ) we're gonna get cha! we're gonna get cha! this report is about how the clinton e-mail scandal was investigated by former f.b.i. director and slim fast paul bunyan, james comey. ( laughter ) trump and his allies were hoping that the report would prove that there was an elaborate "deep state" working against his campaign. and there is proof of a huge conspiracy working to stop trump from being elected. a shadowy group known as, "the popular vote." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) now, the report is out, and it is critical of comey regarding his closing the email investigation in july of 2016,
but condemning hillary clinton while he closed it, and then reopening the investigation days before the election. the report says, "comey erred in his decision not to coordinate with his superiors." oh! he "erred"? yeah. i'd say he erred things up good. ( laughter ) he really erred that election right where the sun don't shine ( laughter ) democracy's still walkin' funny. ( laughter ) so, comey wasn't a secret double agent for the clinton regime, but what about the other collaborators involved in the conspiracy? like f.b.i. agents and secret lovers peter struck and lisa page. the bombshell is this exchange, when page wrote to struck, "trump's not ever going to become president right? right?!" and strzok replied, "no. no he's not. we'll stop it."
that's not good. any way you slice it. two f.b.i. agents in a conspiracy to stop donald trump from being president. and then, just to cover their tracks, they don't stop him ( laughter ) that's how deep this goes! ( laughter ) but overall, the investigation concluded that during the 2016 election, comey was not motivated by political bias. so, good news, the head of the f.b.i. wasn't corrupt, just dumb. ( laughter ) is what they want you to believe. ( piano riff ) because a group of g.o.p. congresspeople released a letter to the i.g., saying they're concerned that during the review process, people may have changed the report in a way that obfuscates your findings. so, clearly, we need an investigation into this investigation of that investigation! then, we'll need an investigation about that investigation! and appoint a special prosecutor to look into the inspector general's look at the director of the f.b.i.!
whatever it takes to get hillary clinton out of the white house! what? she's not there? she's on the run! after her! she went that a way! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the concept being she lost. she didn't win. e.u. right. >> stephen: meanwhile, trump is still basking in the glow of his successful play-date with. north korean leader and previously undiscovered shape, kim jong un. ( laughter ) but it's been shocking to hear all the nice things trump's said about one of the most vicious dictators alive. >> his country does love him. his people, you see, the fervor, they have a great fervor. i do trust him, yeah. obviously, he's a pretty smart cookie. he's a very smart guy. he was a strong guy. he has got a very good personality, he's funny and he's very, very smart. really, he's got a great
personality. he's a, you know, funny guy. >> stephen: funny?! mr. president, when they talk about how much kim jong un kills, they're not talking about his new comedy central special "kim jong un-censored." ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! ( piano riff ) ( applause ) and just yesterday, trump went on fox news to re-sing un's praises to bret baier. >> you call people sometimes killers. he, you know, he is a killer. he's clearly executing people. >> he's a tough guy. hey, when you take over a country, tough country, tough people and you take it over from your father, i don't care who you are, what you are, how much of an advantage you have. if you can do that at 27-years-old, you-- i mean, that's one in 10,000 that could do that. >> stephen: one in 10,000. he is -- he's amazing.
he was the number one draft choice in my fantasy dictator league." and it's not just their leader he respects. today, north korean television broadcast behind-the-scenes footage of trump meeting north korean officials and wait for it, and there! he salutes a north korean general! our commander in chief saluted our enemy. either that or he was just confused. "i am a huge fan of your chicken, general tso." "i love the peanuts, i like it with brown rice." ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, my... >> stephen: now, the summit didn't produce many tangible results. we agreed to stop running military drills in south korea and they... agreed to let us do that. but trump did get one good promise. he won a pledge from kim to return the remains of those americans killed in the korean war. finally, these soldiers' families will get some closure.
well done, mr. president. but then he had to lie about it: >> so many people asked when i was on the campaign and i said, "wait a minute, i don't have any relationship," but they said, "when you can, president, we'd love our son to be brought back home." >> stephen: so many "parents" asked him. the korean war ended in 1953 ( laughter ) that's 65 years ago. the youngest a soldier could've been was 18, let's say they're parents were 18 when they were born, which would make their parents at least 101. ( laughter ) he is saying, so many 101-year-old couples asked him for this. trump isn't bending the truth anymore, he's bending the fabric of space/time. ( laughter ) ( applause )
my father-in-law served in the korean war. if his parents were alive, they would be 127. or, as we call them here at cbs: the target demo! welcome! welcome! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) only cbs. we have some russia news, the world cup kicked off in russia today. but they're not being that welcoming. in fact, one russian politician. "warned the country's women not to sleep with foreign men visiting the nation for the world cup." that's right, eastern european women, you don't want to sleep with any foreign men, or you might wind up the first lady. -- the first lady of the united states. ( applause ) now, you've got to be careful. you can't be too -- they have done one nice thing.
remember, those vuvuzelas from south africa? oh, that's a catchy so i have the album: "now that's what i call shoving my head in a bee hive." ( laughter ) well, good news. russia's getting rid of the vuvuzelas and replacing them with spoons. so get ready for the song of the summer. ( spoons clattering ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) here you go. ( spoons clatterring ) ( cheering ) >> jon: the ham bone! ha ha! ( applause ) >> stephen: they're also introducing something totally new to russia: happiness. in fact, russian workers are undergoing training to learn how to smile ahead of the world cup. (russian accent)... "rule number one: when someone say something happy, you make smile.
if really happy, you make laugh. laugh is like scream, but short. ah! ah! or as they say on internet lol lol lol. here we have training video." >> ♪ tro-lo-lo-lo-lo oh ho ho ho ♪ ♪ tro-lo-lo-lo-lo oh ho ho ho ♪ >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. natalie portman is here. ( cheers and applause ) but when we return, i address a troubling situation on our border, just in time for father's day! stick around. do not mistake serenity for weakness. do not misjudge quiet tranquility for the power of 335 turbo-charged horses.
>> stephen: give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right there! hello, jon! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, everybody, to the show already in progress. of course, father's day is this sunday, and it's not easy to get dad a gift. i'm impossible to shop for, 'cause i either buy whatever i need myself or i get it for free by mentioning it on tv. but not just any tv, a samsung 43" l.e.d. 4k u.h.d. "the frame" smart h.d.t.v. with a picture so sharp you'll feel like you're standing right next to the all new 2018 chevrolet corvette z-06. >> jon: yeah! ( laughter ) face it, the only things dads really want for father's day is to be with their kids. which is why what's been happening on our southern border is so shocking. usually, for me to talk about a news story on this show,
especially a tragic one, it has to be something everyone's already talking about. that's my job: to give my take on the conversation that everyone's already having. with any luck, my take is funnier than yours, or i would be watching you. ( laughter ) but this story is different. because it's the conversation everyone should be having. attorney general and man daydreaming about legally changing his name to "jim crow," jeff sessions, has instituted a new policy to separate immigrant kids from their parents. at the border. so far 1,358 children have reportedly been ripped from their families at the u.s. border. if it sounds evil, then good news, your ears are working. here's the bad news: the united states is you and me. who are putting up with our government saying to immigrants "if you come to the u.s., the worst thing imaginable will happen to you. we will take your children away
with no guarantee you'll see them again." that's using cruelty as a deterrent. that's not my interpretation-- that's our stated intention. three government officials said part of the reason for the proposal is to deter mothers from migrating to the united states with their children. the other part is just recreational racism. and listen how we're doing it. public defenders in the area say federal officials are telling parents they're taking their children away for baths only to never return with them. clo h beingeacts ) could defend that, so jeff sessions did. ( laughter ) in fact, he said that separating kids from their families is the lord's work.ntthe united states icrime. it should be, it must be. i would cite you to the apostle paul and his clear and wise
command in romans 13 too bay the laws of the government because god has ordained the government for his purposes. >> stephen: don't bring god into this! first of all, god did not pick you because i don't worship vladimir putin. and the only thing in the bible close to this is a king threatening to cut a baby in two. and he was joking. but i'll give him this: that is what romans 13-1 says, got to have laws. but if he just read a little bit further to romans 13-10, it says "love your neighbor as yourself. love does no harm to a neighbor. therefore love is the fulfillment of the law." ( cheers and applause ) but i'm not surprised sessions didn't read the whole thing. after all, jesus said, "suffer the children to come unto me." but i'm pretty sure that all
sessions saw was the words "children" and "suffer" and said, "i'm on it." ( laughter ) now, these kids have to go somewhere, so the trump administration is talking about erecting the tent cities on military bases, they've got an abandoned walmart they're stacking these kids in like cord wood. but it wouldn't matter if you took them to the finest hotels in america. or even a trump hotel. we'd still be the only country in the world doing it because it's just plain wrong. so, for father's day, call your elected representatives and demand they do something. ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah! >> stephen: i sincerely believe that it doesn't matter who you voted for, if we let this happen in our name we are a feckless country. we'll be right back with natalie portman. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show," ladies and gentlemen! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress you know from "black swan" and "jackie," please welcome natalie portman! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> hello! >> stephen: hello. how nice to finally talk to you. >> i am so glad to finally be here. >> stephen: i've wanted to interview you for such a long time. >> i've wanted to be on the show for a long time. >> stephen: we're both sitting
in high cotton now. how are you? >> i'm good. thank you. >> stephen: i'm glad to hear it. your birthday was on june 9. >> that is correct. >> stephen: this past saturday. >> that's correct. >> stephen: a, happy birthday, congratulations. ( applause ) mark hamill marked your birthday by sending out this -- fun fact, i've never met this woman. ( laughter ) but you're his mom! >> stephen: i know. >> stephen: you've never met him? how is this possible? >> i'd love to meet him. mark? where are you, i would love to meet you. come over. did he say happy birthday? >> stephen: no. ( laughter ) so maybe you don't want the meet him. ( laughter ) i've spent more time with marc k hammel than you and more time with you than mark has, so it seems i'm the center of the "star wars" universe.
>> could be. >> stephen: happy birthday. good the see you. >> thank you. >> stephen: now, you're an oscar-winning actress, everybody loves yous a performer. >> thank you. >> stephen: but you have a recurring theme to a lot of your performances, you're very smart. >> that's nice, thank you. >> stephen: yes. you've played a biologist, scientist, m.i.t.-educated doctor, a lawyer and even in the popcorn movie thor you're an astrophysicist. >> i played those characters. >> stephen: but you went to harvard. you're a smarty pants. >> well... i guess. >> stephen: you're saying they let dummies in harvard's? you graduated the same class as jared kushner, didn't you? >> that is correct. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you appreciate you get seen as an intent person or is it a burden? do you want to play somebody dumb as a bag of hammers? >> yeah, that would be fun.
you're also seen as a very intelligent, brainiac. >> stephen: fooled them again.( stave good memory. but i played one to have the dumbest people i know for ten years. proudly. proudly. ( laughter ) can i ask you something about kushner. at harvard, do you have memories of him? >> sure, yeah. >> stephen: did you guys hang out? >> we were friendly. >> stephen: okay. i heard he wasn't that great of a student. >> that is -- true. ( laughter ) yes. >> stephen: would you care to elaborate? >> yeah, um -- hmm -- what can i say on tv? >> stephen: anything you want. ( laughter ) it's a free country. ( laughter ) >> yes, i mean, the last days of, maybe, right? >> stephen: mm-hmm. i don't know, unfortunately, it's not very -- there's not a lot funny to say about someone you were friends with becoming a
supervillain. so it's not funny. >> stephen: i would watch that movie, though. >> he said in some interview that the friends he's lost because of politics it's, like, exfoliating. >> stephen: okay. i like the spa metaphors. >> stephen: so you're a dead skin cell. >> proudly. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's why he glows. >> glows. beautiful baby soft skin. >> stephen: that's exactly right. so you have a documentary now. >> yes. >> stephen: called "eating animals." >> yes, which is coming out in new york this week and rolling out into different cities across america in the next few weeks. >> stephen: my understanding is you do not eat animals. >> i do not eat animals. and i understand that you had a period of your life where you also did not eat animals. >> stephen: i, for seven months, starting around now last year, for seven months, i had
nothing that had eyes passed my lips. so nothing with a hoof, nothing with feathers, nothing with scales, no milk, no dairy or anything like that for seven months. i lost a bet. ( laughter ) i did. and my wife is so nice that she joined me, and she's still doing it. seven months in, there was only so much roasted cauliflower one man can take. so now i'll do the fish or something like that. how long have you been off the meat? >> vegetarian since nine and vegan more recently, i started seven years ago being vegan. >> stephen: health reasons or the morality of how we treat animals? >> both. the movie goes into factory farming which is 99% of how all animals and dairy, eggs included, are raised, is in really awful conditions, but also it's like the number one source of pollution, more than cars, anything else. >> stephen: how so?
is this the cow farts i've heard so much about? >> yes, and their feces and all that goes into our water supply, into our soil. that's why we have e coli on vegetables is from sick animals, you know. it's not nice. so, yeah, so it was really -- the movie really focuses on the good farmers who are doing it right, but who aren't able to work within the system because it's kind of corporate. >> stephen: so we have a clip here. i believe this is one of the good farmers. do you know what we're about to see here? >> i don't know which one. >> stephen: it's a chicken farmer. >> frank with the turkeys? >> stephen: i didn't meet him. i'm being told it's frank with the turkeys. jim, let's meet frank. >> i have done everything to bring those birds into existence. i have their parents, their grandparents. i gather the eggs, set the eggs, i wash the eggs.
i spend hours and days taking care of them as babies and months being with them in the pasture. some of the lines i have here, this truly is the last of them on earth. >> stephen: so that's a guy who raises chickens and turkeys in what you would consider a humane way or more humane way. >> yes. >> stephen: so the film is not, like, don't eat anything at all, but if you're going to, try to do it in a way that's more sustainable and not cruel to the animals? >> right, and it's really a small percentage that are doing it right, so how can we as consumers demand that there's more of that and less of the factory farm stuff, because i think everyone, when you see it, it's not possible to eat the same way. >> stephen: how can we, as consumers, demand more? >> well, people going go into their grocery store, it's like
wal-mart started selling organic food because consumers asked for it. there wasn't organic stuff at wal-mart. so it's the same kind of thing, if consumers demand it. also being conscious that once a day or once a week think about not eating it, if you're not going to make a complete lifestyle change, just being more conscious, if everyone did it, would be a lot better. >> stephen: i don't eat anything with a hoof now is my thing. >> i like these rules. >> stephen: nothing with a hoof. i have a friend paul who says he won't eat anything that's cuter than him. and it's everything on land, is what he says. ( laughter ) so i'll still eat a fish at this point. if i eat a fish, do you judge me? >> no, i don't judge anybody for their choices. tephenyou don't? i don't like people when they're, like, what if a carrot has feelings, natalie? i'm, like, just let me eat what i want. >> stephen: but what if, natalie? wouldn't it be terrifying if
carrots had feelings? that would be bad. yeah. ( laughter ) so what would you eat? dirt? i guess dirt. you would have to photosynthesize at that point. you would be screwed! ( laughter ) >> yeah. no, i don't want to judge anyone. it's just, when you see it, it really feels like, you know, if we look back 100 years from now and say what were we doing inhumanely now the way we can look back now at different points in history i think this is the big thing. this is really the way animals are being raised. >> stephen: and once we start treating animals better, maybe we'll start treating each other better. >> yes, we can only hope. we can only hope. >> stephen: and vote. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for being here. >> so good to be here. >> stephen: "eating animals" is in select theaters tomorrow. natalie portman, everybody! we'll be right back with marc maron. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i'm to your bumper, cause....
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from "glow" on netflix, please welcome marc maron! ( cheers and applause ) >> all right. >> stephen: you clean up real nice. you look lovely! >> i bought a suit! >> stephen: did you not have a suit before this? >> no, i thought it was high time. i'm 54, maybe i should have a suit. i wish i were kidding. i don't have many, and it got to the point where i would make appearances on things like this or perhaps getting photographed doing a promotion for the show, and i literally have two shirts that i like to wear for those things, and i would do three or four of them and i thought it was only a matter of time when someone said what the hell is wrong with m maron doesn't he he
a shirt? so i bought a suit. so maybe they'll shut up. >> stephen: there aren't many of them here but lord they're loud. >> i actually have many. >> stephen: sure, sure. how's your garage? >> is there any place to do a podcast besides a garage? i got a new house, a bigger garage than the old garage, there's a bathroom in this garage for celebrity types to use the bathroom, they don't have to go in my house and make a mess. celebrities are filthy. >> stephen: people are always cleaning up for them. >> exactly, they have no manage. no, it's a nice change. it's a bigger and nicer garage, and i'm happy, it's a step up, but it never dawned on me to do the podcast elsey. >> stephen: it's a short
commute. >> my walk to work is very easy. i get up, i say, i'm going to work. i step outside and if i want i can use the bathroom in the garage if i want. >> stephen:ates detached garage. >> it stands alone. >> stephen: are they rakes or gardening equipments or a car or anything like that in there? >> all that's in there, stephen. no -- >> stephen: a car makes a nice sound booth. >> that would be interesting to do the po podcast in the garaged people walk in and there's a car there and they say where are we doing this? and i say, in the car. >> stephen: if the podcast isn'going west start t d thean lar a rush josh. >> stephen: can't, we have to get to the second half of infinity car. >> sorry.
i'll call him. >> stephen: what happens with the house. >> you sell the house. >> stephen: that's an historic location. president obama was in that garage. >> he was in that garage. he came by. it was a big day. my realtor said we should use that. >> stephen: did you? ure, we put the picture up. we showed the house. there's a picture of obama in the garage. >> stephen: put a plaque up? it was a tiny house, less than 1,000 square feet, one bathroom, which was the problem, and a detached garage which is very old. i said, yeah, let's promote it by saying the president's there. the guy that bought the garage could care lthe enwas the.not tt rs to pay more than he would have if the president had not been there. >> stephen: some people don't care about podcasts. i listen to them constantly. on the morning i listen to one. i listen to one on the drive in.
i go to sleep listening to podcasts. >> yeah, nice. >> stephen: what did we do before there were podcasts? >> i don't know what we did. like, there was a time, man, before wi-fi, before the cell phone, where all of us, we had to do things like wait. ( laughter ) and then if you were actually waiting, that's all you could do, just stand there. ( laughter ) that's all you could do! >> stephen: i remember. and i don't know, now, i don't know how we turned our entire brain over to the machines, the phones, the computers. we're just gleefully enabling the sing later. bring it on! it's a dense joke. only for a couple of people. ( laughter ) but the thing is, if you lose your phone, you're two hours away from wandering the streets going, what's my name?! where do i live?! what are my children doing?!
where do they live?! do you need help, sir? no! i need my phone! i'm not sick! ( laughter ) so there's a time you would be driving to work, listening to radio, that was all that was available, maybe you're eating trail mix, maybe chewing on a peanut and your brain goes, who discovered peanut oil? peanut guy! we learned about him in elementary school and damn it, what's his name? and that's the start of your day. ( laughter ) you would go to work and stuff but every couple of hours, aaahhh! peanut guy! i can't remember his name! you ask a dude at work, invented peanut oil, three names, do you remember who he is? the guy says, i don't know, why are you worked up? because i i can't remember! and then you go to work, eat a
sandwich, what other people eat a sandwich, reflect on the sad teed yum of self-awareness. you go back to work, you sit down at your desk, oh, peanut guy! you call a friend, dude, it's me -- that's the other thing, you had to wait to check your messages at the end of the day. remember the machines? you call a friend, hey, dude, it's me, peanut guy, he invented peanuts. peanut oil, peanut butter, three names. if you're there, pick up. i'm okay. call me back. then hang up. then maybe you finish work, drive home, go to a video store -- right, remember video stores? it was a better world then because there was still shame in porn. >> stephen: the curtain. if you wanted to watch porn you had to rent it from someone you knew so you had to make a decision. oh, it's that girl, i'm not going to go in the back and rent
filth from her. you check yourself. not like today, home alone tumbling down an endless hole of filth, no moral compass, no tethers. so you get home from work, look at the machine, there's one right, beeping, i got a message! so exciting! you hit the play button, like, george washington carver, man! are you okay? it's george washington carver! man, you sounded weird and i didn't have anything to do so i went to the library -- ( cheers and applause ) so i'm still here, pick up if you need me to look up anything d that h y did arc t )>> sen: wethe ne show -- ( laughter ) the new season of "glow" returns to netflix june 29.
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you gotta go to ross. >> stephen: my next guests released a new collaboration tonight of their song "in cold blood" with special guests pusha t and twin shadow. ladies and gentlemen alt-j! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ 0-1-1-1-0-0-1-1 crying zeros and ♪ i'm hearing 1-1-1s ♪ 0-1-1-1-0-0-1-1 crying zeros and ♪ i'm hearing 1-1-1s ♪ ♪ ♪ pool, pool summer ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ yacht parties ♪ jet skis ♪ got to do the s.c. ♪ got to watch the ring side ♪ all we know is ring side ♪ all we do is celebrate ♪ 0-1-1-1-0-0-1-1 crying zeros and ♪ i'm hearing 1-1-1s ♪ and my backflip pool, summer, summer ♪ pool, pool summer ♪ 0-1-1-1-0-0-1-1 crying zeros and ♪ i'm hearing 1-1-1s cut my somersaults ♪ and my backflip pool, summer, summer ♪ pool, pool summer
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