tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS July 25, 2018 11:35pm-12:35am PDT
ing jon batiste and stay human. d w, live tape om ed sullivan ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how are you? ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much, joseph. hello! thanks, folks. please! have a seat, everybody. welcome, welcome, one and all to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) and unlike donald trump, i know i'm being recorded right now ( laughter ) because, folks, there's a tape! ( cheers and applause ) not that tape. but still... and i'm going to tell you all
about it in tonight's "stormy watch." karen mcdougal edition." long-time viewers of "stormy watch" will recall that karen mcdougal is the "playboy" playmate who claims she had a ten-month affair with donald trump. mcdougal's story was hushed up after she sold the rights to it to the "national enquirer" for $150,000. that's $20,000 more than stormy daniels. ( laughter ) karen must have spanked him with two magazines. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) ♪ ♪ now, trump denies the affair and any knowledge of that payment, but last night, cnn obtained one
of the 12 secret trump-cohen tapes, this one from september 2016. you can tell it's from 2016 because they're both making a lot of harambe jokes. ( laughter ) and despite his denials, the audio confirms that trump knew about the payments during the presidential campaign. donald trump lied. so now they have to reset the sign on the white house lawn. >> audience: boo! ( applause ) yeah. shocking. ( cheers ) it's shocking. got to. the tape, it starts off with trump on the phone talking about some controversy that trump's embroiled in. >> stephen: "the charleston thing"?
( laughter ) in i'm from charleston. which charleston thing? the food and wine fest gospel brunch? the u.s.s. "yorktown" ghost tour? oh, i know-- it's probably the aquarium. the sea turtle hospital has an observation window. the tape continues with cohen telling the president that "the new york times" is looking into his divorce from ivana trump. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "get me a coke, please!" i mean, that is great product placement. i mean, that reminds me of nixon on the watergate tapes.
>> stephen: then we get into the heat of the meat, with cohen detailing for trump how they're going to pay for karen mcdougal's story. the. >> stephen: a little explanation here-- "our friend david" is "national enquirer" owner and man whose name is sexual harassment. david pecker. the pecker-- ( cheers and applause ) the pecker, as no he already has the rights to mcdougal's story at this point, and trump and cohen want to buy those rights from him asap because you never know what might happen.
>> stephen: yeah, getting hit by a truck is a real risk. have you seen the idiots they let drive those things? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i can't believe that's an accurate impression of the president i just did. ( laughter ) but the juiciest part of the tape, and the most difficult to hear, is this section where they discuss exactly how they're going to pay pecker. >> stephen: it's hard to hear because the only thing that michael cohen is worse at than lawyering is sound recording.
( laughter ) in fact, we have an exclusive preview of the next trump tape to be released. >> stephen: both sides-- they're an endangered species. it was very nice of michael cohen. ( applause ) stop it. both sides are rushing to put theiroin spin on this tape, especially trump attorney and snake preparing to eat a whole antelope, rudy giuliani. now, cohen's legal team says that on the tape trump suggests paying off mcdougal with cash, but giuliani called into fox news last night to disagree.
>> the tape is a little bit hard to hear. but i assure you we listened to it numerous, numerous times. and the transcript makes it quite clear at the end that president trump says "don't pay with cash." >> stephen: okay, okay, that's important, because that changes everything, okay. ( laughter ) "hey melania, good news. when i cheated on you, i paid by check. so now we can declare my penis my business expense." but i'm up for an audit. i'm getting audited. who wants to audit me." giuliani says there's a simple reason trump would suggest--. ia who, wouldn't, who the (bleep) knows at this point. ( laughter ) ( applause ) giuliani says there's a simple reason trump wouldn't have suggested cash.
>> there's no way the president is going to be talking about setting up a corporation and then using cash unless you are a complete idiot. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: okay, so he use cashed. ( laughter ) and even though he's on tape talking about payments, giuliani claims trump didn't know about the payment. >> it sounds like he knew that something that was being set up to perhaps buy the rights to this mcdougal story. correct? >> no. if you go back a little further on the transcript-- i don't know if you have the whole thing-- cohen says that "we need financing," and the president says, "wait a second. what financing?" then he has to explain it. the president did not know about
this before this conversation. >> stephen: of course. the president had no idea before this conversation. "wait a second. who's this david you're talking about? i never heard of him. giuliani almost had an answer. >> today, someone was leaking from, i'm sure their side. i can't be ours-- there are 12 tapes with cohen and the president. may have been avenatti, someone else. don't quote me on that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: don't quote you on that? you're on live tv! ( laughter ) does anyone on trump's team know they're being recorded? but on the other side, we also heard from cohen's lawyer and hottest guy on the assisted living website, lanny davis. ( laughter ) and davis claims this tape totally incriminates the president. >> everybody heard just now donald trump say the word
"cash"-- "cash"-- after michael cohen mentioned financing. there's no way that mr. giuliani-- who knows from being u.s. attorney the only people who use cash aredeers and mobsters. >> stephen: it's a good point. remember, when your grandma sends you $5, she's just laundering money for el chapo. ( laughter ) oh, yes. she's up to her neck in it. she's got blood on her hands! but regardless of what the tape proves, trump and cohen's lawyers aren't debating whether they're paying hush money to hide his affair. they're debating whether he wanted to use cash or check! the currency doesn't matter. for pete's sake, it could have been a barter system: "look, in exchange for their si i oxen, a jug of mead, a bolt of
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ladies and gentlemen, as you might know, trump has plunged the world into a trade war. but some people are still trying desperately to stop it, like european commission president and man not impressed by his grandson's magic trick, jean-claude juncker. juncker met with trump at the white house today to try to talk trump out of his trade war with the e.u. and in anticipation of this visit, yesterday trump tweeted, "the european union is coming to washington tomorrow to negotiate a deal on trade. i have an idea for them. both the u.s. and the e.u. drop all tariffs, barriers, and subsidies! that would finally be called free market and fair trade! hope they do it, we are ready-- but they won't!" ( laughter ) well, not with that attitude. ( laughter ) that's like if your psychiatrist said, "it would be great if we could figure out your issues with your mother. but ain't no way that's happening, mama's boy. uh-oh, here come the
waterworks. go ahead and squirt them." and juncker is ready to go to the mattresses here. responding to trump's threats of steel and aluminum tariffs, juncker said, "so now we will also impose import tariffs. this is basically a stupid process, the fact that we have to do this. but we have to do it. we will now impose tariffs on motorcycles, harley-davidson; on blue jeans, levis; on bourbon. we can also do stupid." ( laughter ). ( cheers ) oh. oh. oh, we know europeans can do stupid. i've met piers morgan. ( laughter ) but, hold on, juncker. do you really think you're going to out-stupid this guy? >> bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing, bing. you know what that is, right? (star spangled banner)
god bless the united shtates. >> stephen: so, yeah, yeah, good luck out-dumbing that. he's like the bobby fischer of being a moron-- he's always three moves ahead, and he's groping the queen. but trump just wants everyone to get off his case, tweeting, "when you have people snipping at your heels during a negotiation, it will only take longer to make a deal, and the deal will never be as good as it could have been with unity. negotiations are going really well, be cool. the end result will be worth it!" "be cool"? >> jon: be cool! >> stephen: be cool. >> jon: be cool, daddy. >> stephen: that's what you say when you're negotiating for a bag of weed, not plunging the world into an economic crisis.
"it's just a few hundred billion dollars worth of tariffs. chillax, bro-sef." ( laughter ) this afternoona this afternoon, this just happened? this afternoon, trump and juncker agreed that europe would agree to import more liquefied natural gas and soybeans while negotiations continued. and that's a good thing, because the people getting hurt the most by all this are farmers. first, trump slapped a tariff on chinese solar panels. then china came back and hit us with a tariff right in the soybeans. now trump's hitting back with a tariff on seafood and cosmetic products. so it's about to get a lot more expensive to put mascara on your goldfish. ( laughter ) these-- these are trump's people, and he is ruining their livelihoods. china is by far the biggest consumer of american soybeans, and now u.s. soybean prices have plunged to a ten-year low. oh, no... is what i would say if i knew how much soybeans used to cost. ( laughter ) so trump is scrambling to
appease his farmer base, tweeting things like, "china is targeting our farmers, who they know i love and respect, as a way of getting me to continue allowing them to take advantage of the u.s. they are being vicious in what will be their failed attempt. we were being nice-- until now!" "yes, i love all my farmers. the old mcdonalds, the one in the dell, the insurance guys-- ♪ i love farmers dum, dum" ♪m, da, dum but trump is-- ( applause ) are they a sponsor? are they a sponsor? they're a sponsor! and trump is putting our money where his stupid mouth is because yesterday, he announced plans to send $12 billion to farmers hurt by retaliatory tariffs. that's a good deal. normally, trump only pays 130 grand to people he's screwed. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
so it looks like-- nothing? nothing? too late! so it looks like it's moving forward. and in order to implement it, the department of agriculture announced it will utilize a great depression-era law to send payments to producers of dairy, hogs, and certain crops. and you know things are going awesome when your solution is, "hey, what did we do during the great depression?" we'll be right back with "cbs this morning"'s john dickerson. ♪ ♪ itomes wa tye entertait options. hey, uh.. what' t w and only with at&t, you can get unlimited data, 30+ channels of live tv, and your choice of things like hbo or pandora premium.
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a co-anchor of "cbs this morning." he's been reporting on washington since 1995, and nobody's better at making sense of it. please welcome, john dickerson! ♪ ♪ ♪ soldiers, keep on warring >> stephen: hey, how you been? >> i've been well. >> stephen: summer's-- summer's going-- is opening before you like a plosom? >> well, it's almost half over. so i hate to -- >> stephen: shut up. shut up. i don't want to hear that. no one wants to think about that, john. >> one thing is happening after another. >> stephen: you had your birthday on july 5. you turned 50. >> i turned 50, yeah ( applause ). >> stephen: congratulations. you wear it-- you wear it well. you wear 50 well. and i didn't get the invitation to the party. what-- >> well we had it-- but you've thrown one for me tonight. it's so sweet. you brought all these people here. ( applause ).
>> stephen: let's talk about what's happening in the world right now. okay, this cohen a that-- we-- we knew the recordings existed, but we didn'them. we heard this recording. guiliani says this is good for the president. in what is it good for the president to be going along with a scheme to pay off his mistress? or the people who own the story about his mistress? to be caught in a lie? >> right, not our world. and the lie-- here's the thing-- you cannot say you don't know about something and then be on tape orchestrating the arrangement of the thing you previously said you didn't know about. that's not-- you-- that's not -- >> stephen: he's that good. ( laughter ) >> but that-- that's what this is. >> stephen: i agree. this is aegednshi at t place ago. tnkple can mse,t make, about things in the past. this is behavior right before an
election, and then, obviously, things were said as president about his knowledge. this. so it's quite a serious deal in terms of, you know, we should still think that our president should tell us the truth about things. and when they don't, whether it's bill clinton or donald trump or anybody else, we should say that's a big deal. so it's not good, i should say. >> stephen: well, you are a journalist and you are a newsman and you are admirably even-handed in reporting things. but it seems like we no longer look to donald trump-- no one really looks to donald trump to say like, "oh, well i expect him to be truthful." we're grading lies on a scale, whether this is a lie that is it's "oh, it's crime. it's him lying about having an affair 10 years before right after his child was born." >> right and -- >> stephen: it's not betraying our country to a hostil foreign power. >> right, right. >> stephen: that's the scale. >> and remember the scale they changed for bill clinton. when bill clinton was caught lying, they said, "look, he was
just lying about an affair. people do that all the time. it's not a big deal." >> stephen: sure. >> but what people rightly said at the time is we think about our presidency, it has always been founded around the idea of honesty. we called him "honest abe." the first story we tell about our first president is george washington cutting down the tree and saying i cannot tell a lie, which turns out to not be true. >> stephen: so the first story of honesty is a lie. >> yes. ( applause ). >> right, no, no. it's quite true. but it tells us something about what we want to believe about our presidents. >> stephen: sure. >> that we embed this in our for us president and have ever sense. now, obviously, presidents have told lies here and there in a variety of different ways, and as you quite rightly point out this is not about a national security untruth. but it is a big deal. we should still think it's a big deal when the president says something and it turns out not to be the case. and back to your original question, when you're heard on tape saying-- arranging this deal, that should be-- that
should be a problem -- >> stephen: should. do you think it will be? prognosticate. do you think this will stick? >> well, it depends what you mean by "stick," right? >> stephen: have any effect on his support among his base? because there's very little middle ground at this point, right? >> well-- >> stephen: is there middle ground? people are like, "i'm not sure about him. i haven't made up my mind yet about donald trump. i need to know more." do you meet these people? "i'm not entirely sure? trump? trump?" >> actually, i do think there are some people like that who say, "look, i don't like the way he behaves for reason a., b., c., but i like lower regulations the fact that he's made progress in north korea." that go down the list and say nobody is perfect. >> stephen: those people have made up their mind. they've done the calculus and go, "all right, a., b., and c.are bad, but and
f.outweigh them. >> when i have conversations with them, for example, after the press conference with vladimir putin, you can see and hear their balance reshifting. and they say well that was a performance that they didn't like for reasons x., y., and z., and it outweighs other things they like-- supreme court, tax s. >> stephen: has there been a measurable shift in support because of what has been widely described as the most disastrous meeting between an american president and a foreign leader in american history? >> i think probe not a big one, but it is a little bit noticeable, and here's onl way i notice it. in the cbs poll, 86% of republicans give him an approval rating, just overall. and then on the economy and th th korea, it's even higher onaning putin, it's a 70. now, 70 is still pretty good, right, but in our tribal times where erybody is on your team no matter what, to be at 70 and not in the high 80s, suggests there's some group of republicans who think it wasn't-- and don't have
confidence in his performance. so that's a pretty small little sliver, but it does show something that's different than in other instances -- >> stephen: it had an impact of some kind. >> a little bit of an impact. but will it stick? no. >> stephen: trump has said yesterday-- i think yesterday he tweeted he is concerned about russians meddling in our elections because they're probably going to help the democrats this time and that that would be a shame, you know. where does he get that idea? can you ask-- i mean, it's possible. i'll start by saying entirely possible. that's the big danger here of not really-- of calling it a witch hunt is because if you don't investigate, then you're not prepared for whoever gets the benefit next time. >> so i guess i would say a couple things. one, the facts -- we know the facts. when you look at them the mueller indictment of the 12 russian spies, the fact that struck me, here you are, the democrats are about to have their convention, and the russian hacker gets on the phone with wikileaks and says, "would you drop some stuff because we want to create a sanders-clinton fight." i mean, they were really right
in the thick, in the middle of the democratic process. only mayoral daley in 1968 caused more trouble at a convention. since then, when donald trump says, "well, the democrats might be the ones the russians favor," he is trying to, obviously, change the subject. he wants somebody to have this conversation to say it's equally plausible. you had a republican. you had a democrat. but you could imagine-- and i think this might be where you're anything-- if russia's goal is only to sow chaos and clot things up and make people go-- to have democrats in control of the house, investigating the president, stopping his agenda fully, that would be glorious for many democrats. they would believe that, but for the russians who want to see chaos, that would probably abe result they might like, better than a house of republicans who are going to do just what donald trump says, which is kind of would be a smoother situation for america. now, the only other thing that goes against that point is that the democrats would potentially have more sanctions against russia. >> stephen: that's what i was
going to say is that right now putin gets everything he wants, and the republicans merely lubricate the slope. ( laughter ) the slope. the slope. the slippery slope. get your mind out of the drugstore! we've got to go here. but we found out just moments before the show started that europe has agreed to lower industrial tariffs and import more u.s. soybeans and liquid natural gas. did donald trump out-stupid the european union? >> using their-- using their definition. >> stephen: their definition. >> the critics would sayy d sn e ok place. them back and so -- >> stephen: yes, i set a fire, but i also called the fire department. >> that's exactly right, right, right. that's what the critics would say. what the supporters of the president would say, look, this is-- what hes does does-- we have talked about this before-- he throws a hand grenade into the room, everything blows up,
and he rushes in and can control the situation. so, yeah, it's chaotic. yeah, relations with the e.u.-- remember, the e.u. was his first answer when he was asked about foes of the united states, and he said the e.u. and that's an extraordinarily thing for an american president to say. but his supporters would say well he now, in negotiations, has some leverage because he created this chaos. he got them to come to him. and even though the agreement itself is not that weighty, he, nevertheless, has nigh leverage independent negotiation gltz leverage is he set fire to the house and he's saying, "i'm on the phone. i've dialed 9-1... you want that last 1, you gotta negotia me." >> maybe, or i think there might be another fire part of that metaphor which is 2 again with cars. you know i can set fires because these he's threatening -- >> stephen: what if i drove a car into the house. >> or a durigible. >> stephen: sure. thank you, jon.
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you can watch a cooking show, a murder documentary or "the crown." and they're bringing all those elements together in their new show "royal blood feast: meet the queenibal." but turns out we might love netflix a little too much because a recent study shows netflix is killing couple's sex lives. luckily, netflix takes this problem seriously, and they've started a new campaign with some of their stars to fight the problem. jim. >> i'm mike holter. >> we each have two shows. >> we're here to deliver a very important message to all americans. >> you can totally do it and watch netflix. >> there's plenty of time in the day to watch netflix and get your boink on. >> look, we know it's hard to find the time, but that's why netflix gives you that five seconds between the one episode ending and the next one beginning. >> i know what you're saying. can't it wait a biti haven't fiy
blinders yet. i'm saying before you start that next episode take some time to get your own blinders a little peeky, if you know what i mean. >> i definitely don't. >> talk about altering your own carbon, if you catch my drift. >> no. >> a little lemony. grace your own frankie. >> please, don't. >> hi, i'm stephen colbert from "the late show" with stephen colbert." i just want to say you can also have sex and watch "the late show." >> that's what we're say, take a break from watching us to get it on. >> stephen: look, i'm on broadcast. i can't risk these people won't unpause. so i'm encouraging you all to watch my show while you're doing it. >> oh,hainact you don't even need to watch. just turn on "the late show"" and go to town in each other's bathing suit areas. >> is this a thing you get off on? >> stephen: yes. "the late show" with stephen
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." folks, my next guest is a very . ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> oh, thank you very much. >> stephen: welcome back. >> oh, thanks for having me back. >> stephen: i understand you've been in europe? where were you? which one? which of the europes? >> i went to the one-- i went to a place--imented to see a society that functioned really
well. ( laughter ) so i went to norway. >> stephen: oh, i hear that things run smooth and stead thre. i've never been. >> very, yes. i mean, some things are archaic, like things we used to do but don't do anymore, like customer service. ( laughter ) >> stephen: where you can go ask for help and they give it to you? >> they do, yeah. they're happy to do it, which is weird. >> stephen: that's weird. >> i know. >> stephen: that's suspicious. >> that's what i said. >> stephen: do you speak norwegian at all. did you learn-- >> oh, that would be so great. no. does anybody? >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. >> it's really strange because in norway, when-- everybody there speaks a version of english. but there's no norwegian accent. do you know what i mean? like in french they have an accent and you know you're in france but they're speaking english. that was really good. >> stephen: that was really good. really good. like watching ratatouille.
okay. >> but in norway, it was just very funny because you would think somebody was just american. because there's no accent. but then their vocabulary is very limited. so you're like, "where's the bathroom." and they say, "the bathroom is just there down the... oh! i'm so sorry. down the... it's just down the..." and i go "hall?" and they go, "yeah, hall." and you go okay. >> stephen: so it kind of makes you worried about them because they're having like a mini-stroke while you're talking to them. >> yeah, and it's confusing because there's no indication that this is english as a second i need to know what to do on my summer break coming up in august. >> are you going? you should go. >> stephen: what did do you? >> we went on a bike tour. >> stephen: oh! that sounds like a lot of effort. i don't want to-- i don't want
to travel with that much talcum powder. there's a lot of chafing. and the shorts. the shorts with the little pad. ( applause ) did you have the pad? >> which my husband and i tried to get me that pad because i was like, "i don't need the shorts with the pad. that's weird." and the second day i was like, "we've got to get those shorts with the pad! you get me those shorts with the pad!" and -- >> stephen: i like how your pride hurt you. "ah, i think my crotch can take it." >> exactly. >> stephen: "look, i'm from new york." >> yeah. and so he walked into this, you know, climbing store and he asked if they had bike shorts, and they were just like in perfect, without-an-accent english, like "i don't know. i don't use those." so they're very. >> stephen: "why don't you try down the... down the." >> exactly. >> stephen: are you a good traveler? are you an easier traveler? >> in some respects i'm a great
traveler. in some respect i'm the worst traveler. i'm low maintenance in that way, and i'm adaptable. flying has never been my jam, just never has. i tried to do hypnosis. i tried to do all these things. and then finally, someone gave me a sleeping pill, and i was like, "oh, i missed the flight. i mean i got on the flight and i slept through the flight. that's-- this is great." >> stephen: sure. >> but-- but nobody should takeh dy shod-- nobody -- >> stephen: you do things. people get up and drive cars and stuff. >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! >> stephen: did you drive a car on the airplane? what did do you? because you can't do that. you're not allowed to drive a car on the airplane. >> what i did on the airplane was so bad that i wish i drove a car on the airplane. >> stephen: what did you do michaela watkins? >> i thought i got on the plane, ate my meal, watched half of "dead pool," and then fell asleep is what i thought i did.
what i did, apparently, when i arrived at my destination and i opened up my lap top and connected to the internet and heard emails being sent. i wrote a coworker a nine-paragraph email... ( laughter ) ...telling them that i'm out of toilet paper. ( laughter ) i need to buy cat food. ( laughter ) okay, so, i didn't understand-- because i got there and i looked at my email and i was like i sent some email. i didn't send any email. but when i saw this one to one-- mind you, this is a guest star on "casual," who wrote to say, "congratulations ec seasoour of 'casu" ani w back that i was o of et paper andha and artrfiftgraphown, he's
kicker, i said, "you and your wife should come visit us at our house"-- all caps-- "we promise you a very good time." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: and it was "the sleeping pill." >> it was 100%-- i mean, it happened once before where i wrote my producer. i got off a plane and i saw a text from her, and she wrote, "i love you." and i thought oh, my god. my producer loves me. and then i scrolled up and i saw they wrote, "you need to wear more denim. go big or go home." ( laughter ) list. well, congratulations on season four of "casual." >> thank you so you. >> stephen: so nice to see you again.
the fourth and final season of "casual" premieres this tuesday on hulu. michaela watkins, everybody. we'll be right back. you know when you're at ross shopping for backpacks... ...and mom also gets a back-to-school bag? that's yes for less. tndw and it feels even better when you find them for less. at ross. yes for less.
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