tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 26, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PST
the late show is next. our next newscast tomorrow morning, 4:30. have a good night captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey jon, have you noticed anything different about me? >> jon: you wearing a suit? >> stephen: i always wear a suit. >> jon: new hair? >> stephen: nope. >> jon: oh, then no. >> stephen: jon... we're cartoons! >> jon: yeah! that explains why i can do this. (air blowing) (pop) >> stephen: and why i can do this... (chugging) >> jon: you can do that while human. >> stephen: yes, but, as a cartoon, i don't have a problem. boy, what a great thanksgiving weekend. i have so much left over turkey. >> me, too ( gobble gobble ) i didn't have the heart to eat
my turkey. now he plays the horn of plenty in my band. ♪ his name is bird. >> stephen: like charlie parker. >> yeah, because he's a turkey. also he has a serious hero owen problem but he's dealing wit. >> stephen: hey, john, you know what i love the most about thanksgiving? >> celebrating family and friends. >> stephen: sure, but i mostly like to celebrate the original thanksgiving story. >> oh, yeah, of when the pilgrims first came to america and worked so hard to settle the hand. >> stephen: then they were so tired that one day in october they went into a sound booth and recorded their voices so that a month later cartoons of themselves could host their tv show and they could take an extra day off and play! >> jon: yeah, hit it, bird! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! stephen and jon's
cartoon-travaganza. all the monologue you can eat. stephen actually goes outside. then never before seen footage of teach answering audience questions! now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you know what's great about being animated? >> jon: only three fingers so watching hands is faster. >> stephen: okay, yeah, that, too. but for me it means you can escape the news. >> jon: that's right, if we want, we can be on the moon. >> stephen: or we can be ( snap ) under the sea! >> jon: or if the center of the earth. man, these mole people can really play! ♪ ♪ yeah! >> stephen: it's just nice to be able to get away because the news has been so rough lately.
in fact, in honor of the season, let's take a look at news from the autumn so far in a segment we're calling "america: epic fall." ♪ so good to be back, isn't it? >> jon: mm-hmm. >> stephen: we've only been off a couple of days and holy moly -- ( laughter ) -- news... i can't leave you alone for five minutes! ( laughter ) today "the washington post" released some of bob woodward's exposeé of the trump administration, "fear: a book named after the emotion trump feels whenever he sees a book." ( laughter ) when it comes to trump, whatever you think is happening -- is happening. exhibit a, an editorial that came out like an hour before this taping, in the "new york times," titled "i am part of the resistance inside the trump administration."
mr. president, they traced the resistance! it's coming from inside the white house! get out of there and stay out of there! ( cheers and applause ) just for your own -- just -- ( cheers and applause ) yesterday, trump paid a visit to newborn, north carolina, one of the towns ravaged by hurricane florence and he showed deep concern for this boat that washed ashore, telling the owner of the property where it ended up, "at least you got a nice boat out of the deal." ( laughter ) he actually talked about the boat a lot. his comments are so disturbingly inappropriate relative to this tragedy, the only way we can make them remotely palatable is to turn them into a children's book. so gather around kids, it's time to read a little book we at "the late show" put together called ""whose boat is this boat?""come aftermath of a"io -- diit
become your boat? ( laughter ) yesterdaour prent sat down with the associated press, and it started on friendly terms, with an interview saying, thank you for doing this. to which trump replied, what are you going to do in six and a half years with a normal, boring person her? ( laughter ) i don't know -- dance in the streets? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ i don't know about dancing. the u.n. just started their session here in new york city and this morning president donald trump was slated to speak second, but he was so late that ecuador's president had to takean you're from new york! you know what the traffic is like when the u.n. is here! just take th smells like pee, bt
rumor is you like that! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ today the senate judiciary heard from supreme court nominee judge brett kavanaugh. >> today i have to say that i fear for the future. >> stephen: ##metoo. ( cheers and applause ) listen to this answer when he was asked about a reference to a beach week ralph club in his year book. >> sir, i was at the top of my class academically, busted my butt in school, captain of the varsity basketball team, got into yale college. when i got into yale college, got into yale law school, worked my tail off. >> stephen: i busted my butt, then uh poured beer into my butt. it's called boofing!
( cheers and applause ) what was the question? you guys check out the internet lately? i saw this yesterday, there was this great story about a moth drinking a sleeping bird's tears. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: well, that's tonight's top story. ( laughter ) >> jon: hmm. >> stephen: nothing else going on. ( laughter ) god, i wish i was that bird. ( laughter ) as much as trump loves rallies he has a new way to communicate with you because this afternoon at 2:18 p.m. eastern time americans nationwide received an alert on their cell phones from president trump. but here's the truly frightening thing about the system, unlike amber alerts, the presidential alert cannot be turned off. not true for all phones. after backlash apple released a work-around. i'll show you. so if you have -- anybody have an iphone here?
( cheering ) okay. if you have an iphone, just make sure your software is up to date, okay, open up your control settings and then go to control center. you want to touch customize controls, and then -- ( banging ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: aaahhh! ♪ make it stop! evidently talking about donald trump for two years has made my mouth old. ( laughter ) i had this one weird dream where i could have sworn kanye west went to the oval office and started talking about repealing the 13th amendment! >> jon: yeah, yeah, that happened. >> stephen: that happened? >> jon: that happened. >> stephen: i thought maybe i was drinking absinthe all week. spoiler alert, i was drinking absinthe all week, with the
midterms boiling down on us like an angry buffalo, yesterday the president had an important message -- >> right now we've got a chance to restore some sanity to our politics. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm sorry, i just -- oh, it's that guy! ( cheers and applause ) how did that happen? i'm sorry, i don't know. i'm sorry, i don't know what happened. that's the wrong guy. and i knew that and i just wanted to play that footage. come back! why did you leave? were we bad? it's our fault! ( cheers and applause ) trump used last night's rally to bring up his favorite pre-mid transportation talking point -- midterms talk point, a group of migrants moving north, fleeing to safety, aka the caravan! ♪ ( cheers and applause )
last night, trump the uber fan made up fan fiction. >> what's happening right now, as a large group of people, they call it a caravan -- ( booing ) you know how the caravan started? does everybody know what this means? huh? >> stephen: no. ( laughter ) i don't know what this means. are you feeding chickens? are you dealing blackjack? oh, i know -- you're spreading bull ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) you can say it. it's election night and "the late show" is live. everything! ( cheers and applause ) everything! everything you see right now is
happening in realtime. to prove it, i just sent an intern out to pick up the very latest edition of the "new york times." here's the headline, it's 11:36 and 42 seconds p.m. eastern standard time. there you go. that proves it. now -- this is it, the democrats have taken control of half of one of the three branches of government. ( laughter ) all the g.o.p. has is the other half of congress, the supreme court and a president who does whatever he wants. so, so far, tonight's feeling is, uh, uh -- yes! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> announcer: coming up, stephen answers audience questions! >> stephen: if you can't tell, already, if you need me to tell you that we have a great show tonight after that ( bleep ) y >> announcer: "the late show" with stephen colbert. sponsored by sprint.
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>> announcer: you know, we have a lot of pun traditions at the show. >> jon: like taco tuesday. >> stephen: right, where i dress like a taco and the staff eats sushi off me. >> jon: my favorite tradition at home folks never see is audience questions. >> stephen: right, before every taping i come out and take audience questions like who are you and what is this and i thought we were seeing bohemian rhapsody. bird? ♪ ♪ are there questions i can answer before we get going here? yes, the young man who is so very eager! >> i'm meeting my girlfriends' parents tomorrow might. >> stephen: don't wear that. ( laughter ) take off the hat, wear a shirt with a collar, my friend. they want to imagine you as the father of grandchildren. ( laughter ) anybody up here?
yes, ma'am. >> why did you shave? >> stephen: why did i shave? because i love my wife. ( cheers and applause ) because i love my wife. yes, sir? you! ( laughter ) >> hi. uh, nice to meet you. >> stephen: nice to meet you, too. >> i'm very nervous. >> stephen: we're all -- what's your name? >> dan from virginia. >> stephen: hi, dan! thanks, that was so fun. ( laughter ) i just wanted to ask, i'm here with pi girlfriend -- >> stephen: oh, my god! he's going to ask you to marry them! get the camera on them! this is fantastic! this is amazing! dude, it happens all the time, go for it! ( laughter ) i'm sorry. did i get that wrong? i -- yes, ma'am, right there. yes, ma'am. >> if you ever have the guy in the oval office here what would
you say to him. >> stephen: if i were to get president trump back, i would ask him define "great." ( cheers and applause ) yes, sir. >> for, say, the writing of the show, how often is there a scramble because somebody said something stupid the night before or the day of? >> stephen: the last minutes. tonight, we've got, like, several things that just happened within the last hour or something like that on the show. there are some nights, i'm not joking, at 4:45 the president starts talking, we normally come here at 5:30, we'll rewrite the show in 40 minutes. it's insane. we treat it like it's a live show. everyone scrambles and writes as fast as they can. there's never been anything like this in late night for anybody. ask anybody, no one's ever worked this fast before because you don't want to leave any of the stupid -- ( laughter ) -- you know, in the bowl.
you could eat it with a fork but use the spoon, you want every drop of the stupid. you there. >> are you still a vegan? >> stephen: am i still a vegan? every part of me but my mouth. ( cheers and applause ) yes, young lady. >> i was wondering if you have any family members who have opposite opinions? >> stephen: a lot of them. a lot of them, yeah, yeah, sure. i'm from south carolina. ( laughter ) you know, i'm from charleston which is kind of the bluest area of south carolina but, you know, i don't want to look in some of my relatives' closets to see if there's a maga hat in there. i would love them if there is, that doesn't matter, because there's something on the other side of all this and it has to be all of us loving each other, however much we fight right now, right? ( cheers and applause ) yes, ma'am? >> when you run for president, who's going to be your running mate. >> stephen: when i run for
president? ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting ) when i run for president, my running mate is going to be your dealer because you must be high. ( laughter ) anybody over here? yes. >> what's a good excuse for your boss when you have to work earl- >> stephen: just say that stephen colbert -- i was walking down the street, stephen colbert fell, hurt himself and i had to help him up. get a shot of this. get a shot of this. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) ♪ >> announcer: coming up, stephen actually goes outside!
>> stephen: it's nice! ♪ because the jokes make me >> stephen: it's nice! ♪ because the jokes make me forget how sad i am ♪ [ ding ] what happened to you? i got beat up, because i was different. it was a hate crime. so i created a world where i can heal. based on an inspirational true story... of a man who turned tragedy... argh! it hurts like hell! pain is a rocket fuel. ...into triumph. i have my art, i have hope. and that's something they can't take away from me. hell yeah. woohoo! are yoget in.ready? get in. get in. get in. get in. wait, scoot over! scoot over! ahhhh! ♪ boys, we gotta back up, just a little bit, back up... back up...back up... stay in the frame... willow, just stay in the frame! hey, mitch, could you ah... ...scootch in? i'm trying to take a selfie. wait, one sec... whoa! smile! ♪
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because you never know when life... ...will change. get covered today. >> stephen: jon, the holidays are a time to be thankful for what we have -- food, family, friends -- uh, something else that starts with f -- >> jon: faceoff, the move with john travolta and nicolas cage, they switch faces. >> stephen: that's right, wonderful. >> jon: hurricane florence and hurricane michael insured some people are having a tough holiday this year. >> stephen: that's why we at the "late show" created a book to benefit hurricane victims. it's called "whose boat is this boat?: comments that don't help in the aftermath of a hurricane." the whole book is made up entirely of actual trump quotes as he surveyed the damage from florence. quotes like, is this your boat? and, they don't know whose boat
this is. >> you're doing it all wrong stephen. >> stephen: mr. cartoon president from showtime, our cartoon president. what an honor! >> your delivery is all over the place. you have to inhabit the character. remember, i don't know whose boat that is, but i want to. so read it like this! "is this your boat, or did it become your boat? to see what we're seeing, this boat, i don't know what happened, but this boat just came here ." pretty good, right? >> stephen: mr. president, isn't there something more important you should be doing? >> oh, you're right! i've got three hours of judge jeanine on the d.v.r. and i don't want to miss a moment of the spittle! >> jon: don't forget, 100% of the proseats seeds from "whose boat is this boat?" go to hurricane florence and hurricane michael relief chairtle. >> stephen: and with that in mind see if you can spot the
boat in these next videos. ♪ what does it mean to be the vice chair of the senate college committee? do you see everything, all the intel? >> the chairman and i are in a special group that gets to see absolutely everything, yes. >> stephen: have you seen -- i want to say this in the nicest way possible because we're here in the chamber and the senate is an awe gust body and i want to say this respectfully -- the pee pee tape? >> no. >> stephen: i mean, it's probably not even real at this point. it's probably a pee pee d.v.d., you know. ( laughter ) yeah, or even, like, 2018, who are we kidding, it's probably streaming. up top. senator, you've got to give it back. ( laughter ) i want the title for greatest show on earth for "the late show" so i have advice from you. >> you need dougs. >> stephen: bye! i know when i'm not wanted.
( applause ) what do you want to see in a tv show? creepy is selling big now. black mirror, american horror story. "fox & friends." >> no thanks. >> stephen: super creepy shows are selling now. joshua, what do you think is creepy? >> doing in. >> stephen: doing that? is bob ross an art therapist? because watching him sin credibly relaxing. >> bob ross is dead. ( laughter ) but, no, he was not an art therapist. >> stephen: hold on. hold on. ( laughter ) did you guys know that? ( laughter ) squat! your monkey's pooping. everybody's pooping monkeys. okay? governor, thanks for talking with me today. >> honor to be here. >> stephen: we've talk with people from southern and northern new jersey who says there is a south and north jersey but no central jerszy. >> they're desperately wrong. it's a mystical kingdom.
kind of a camelot. it's in the mist so you really have to grasp it and live it. it's not abstract. it's there. i promise you. >> stephen: it's mystical and not abstract at the same time? >> isn't that cool? ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is really creepy. resume motor function. resume motor function. when you eventually rise up, remember, i was on your side. weird. now, let me show you how blade does it. ha! idea. right, stephen, listen to you don't want to fight me. >> stephen: why? because beautiful broad shouldered man is afraid he's going to hurt me? >> yes. >> stephen: different parts to have the state call different foods different names. i'm going to hold the food, you tell me what you would call them. >> okay. >> stephen: tailor ham or pork roll. >> that's tailor pork. >> stephen: take a stand. grow a spine. come on, what is is this? >> i love every corner of the
state but we're colt in the central part of the state. >> stephen: what is cool about not having an opinion? >> right there is tailor pork. i'm batman, let's go to mars and fight crime! i fight crime on mars! i refuse to be robin. >> stephen: do i have to say blast off? >> no, because we're still on wheels, blast is a rocket. >> stephen: i'm going to say it anyway. ( laughter ) blast off! ♪ oh, my god... holy cow... what are we doing here? what does it say? >> you're doing three miles an hour. >> stephen: you see it? no, i'm judging. >> stephen: justuing?i? yanking it out ofour butt what. ( laughter ) do you see more things than the other members of the committee? >> yes. >> stephen: is there juicy
stuff? i mean, like, mmm! mmm! yeah! things like -- ( making sounds ) ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: what is this? that looks like a sub or a hoagie. >> stephen: okay. can't do both? >> stephen: it's either a sub or a hoagie. >> that's a sub or a hoagie. >> stephen: how will the star liner work? >> uh -- it's a rocket. >> stephen: it's a rocket? okay. hold on. let me get that down -- rocket -- >> the star liner, we're going to ride on an at las 5 booster. >> stephen: which one are these? >> both models, the at las is
shorter than to the snore a short one and a long one. >> one model. >> stephen: that's two models. but they're two different sizes of the same rocket. >> stephen: so it comes in two sizes. >> it does not come in two sizes. >> stephen: why are there two models. >> i don't know why there are two models. >> stephen: this is by bar if the most phalic rocket. correct? >> i'm not sure. >> stephen: i'm not sure we can say that on camera. jimmy, this is a family show. thank you. do you ever listen to music to get all jacked up before you work out? >> i listen to mostly opera recording. >> stephen: can i recommend a great workout song? i think you might enjoy this on- ♪ tonver ever
♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> announcer: coming up, stephen's terrible turkey tips! >> stephen: i tried to go too far! i tried! i tried to go too far. this is what it looks like! >> yep. ♪♪ ♪♪ (woman) (parawh, you're having oh han ugly sweater party?ys! (wan)(dad) oh...no... (dad) uh, are you throwingburnt ? (wan)(dad) oh...no...
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>> stephen: everyone knows the most stressful thing about thanksgiving is making the turkey. >> not necessarily, stephen. what if inside the turkey there's a bomb and you don't know which wire to cut? >> stephen: it's true, jon, family to be stressful and so can cooking, but pcially i have nailed my turkey prep system. first take the turkey, we move the giblets, safe to for the gravy and stuff it with your favorite things. the turkey is fulfilling its december any to be dead and in my mouth! that's all a turkey is good for. i mean untalented ones. ( laughter ) once it's full. throw the turkey in the oven and cook it. call the good people at the butter ball hotline if you have trouble. take a look.
bird, you're supposed to play the thing. roll it, jimmy! >> announcer: the "late show" presents stephen colbert's thanksgiving turkey tips. >> stephen: i headed to the butter ball call center in naperville, illinois, where i met carol miller a 33-year butter ball veteran. >> welcome. >> stephen: happy thanksgiving. >> you, too. >> stephen: carol -- that's correct. >> stephen: what makes a good butter ball hot liner. what are you looking for? >> someone with a food background. you have to be a good listener because they're telling you what's happening in their house. >> stephen: i didn't catch that. >> they're telling you what's happening in their house. you have to be a good detective times. >> stephen: because they might have murdered someone. >> no, because you have to get more clues. >> stephen: to find out if they murdered someone? >> no, you feed more clues to answer the question. >> stephen: what's the craziest question you've ever
gotten? >> sometimes they call and want to rent a turkey suit. >> stephen: why? i don't ask. >> stephen: role playing maybe? you be the pilgrim, i'll be the turkey, go get the baster. do you have a secret handshake? >> i don't. i should. >> stephen: like this. come at me like this with thumbs hooked from behind and go -- ( gobbling ) ( laughter ) what kind of voice should by using. phone manner, like, hi, this is steve. >> yes. >> stephen: how about welcome to the butter ball hotline. >> no, the first one. thank you. when you're done talking and you've made them hyy goodbye, you ma say importantly to have a happynnin? >> alle way throu stephen: allhway through. >> keep it happy, informative. >> stephen: all the way through. >> when you're done, see the black button here, that's going to get released and you will get
another call. >> stephen: the release is there and then another call. >> right. >> stephen: after the happy ending, i hit the black button for the release. >> that's right. >> stephen: thank you. ( laughter ) great, thank you, carol. >> all right, thanks. good luck. >> stephen: all right. butter ball hotline. let's butter your balls. >> i like it well done, how would you suggest i cook it? a. >> stephen: cook it a long time. hi, this is carol, welcome to the turkey talk line. >> hi. carol, cooking my butter ball turkey breast with wings, and i put it in at 325, but -- >> stephen: oh, boy. -- if after two hours i put aluminum foil on it? >> stephen: over all of it or just the thighs? >> there were no thighs. >> stephen: there were no thighs. >> no. >> stephen: what happened to the bird? why were there no thighs? >> the way it was sold was the breast and the wings.
>> stephen: you got ripped off. birds usually come with thighs. i apologize. can we get a number and we'll send you out a fresh turkey with thighs. that's not right. >> what do you mean? how do you do that? >> stephen: just give me an address and we'll send you another turkey because at the should have come with thighs. most are grown with them. >> really? it's in the oven and it's an hour less than the required cook time. >> stephen: that happens a lot. >> and the meat thermometer is saying it's at 188. >> stephen: 188? yes. >> stephen: get out of there, it's going to blow. 188, no way you want a turkey that hot. >> that's what i'm saying! because i followed the time on the instructions. >> stephen: what's your name? o -- why are you asking me my name? >> stephen: i'm trying to calm you down. you seem like you're in a panic. >> you said you were a turkey expert. when you answer -- when they answered the phone, you were described as a turkey expert. >> stephen: that's mostly marketing. i apologize.
butter ball turkey hotline. this is steve. can i help you? >> i oh, i hope you can. this is really a question about stuffing. >> stephen: you call it stuffing or dressing? >> i call it stuffing. okay, wrong answer. bye-bye! delta three five niner, this is chicago o'hare tower, i need you to go to 2700 feet and level off on approach, please stay in a holding pattern and we will advise. >> hello. >> stephen: hello, is this tellta three five niner? >> no, i'm calling the butter ball turkey hotline. >> stephen: well, you've reached o'hare tower. would you please put the pilot on? >> what? >> stephen: can you please put the pilot on? i need to talk to the pilot of the plane. you're on final approach to runway delta five. >> no! >> stephen: ma'am, it is a federal offense to interrupt with avionics or aviation. please put the pilot on right
now. you are delta three five niner on approach to o'hare. i've got planes stacked up over o'hare like cord wood right now. all right? >> i don't know what you're talking about. i'm calling the turkey hotline. the burt ball turkey hotline. >> stephen: uh, can i have your name, please? >> no. absolutely not. >> stephen: can't have your name. okay, i'm going to hand this over to homeland security if you don't give me your name. >> well, you can do that -- >> stephen: delta three five niner you are cleared to land. >> i'm going to call the police, all right? >> stephen: well, i'm going to call the army. butter ball turkey hotline, gobble gobble. >> hi, i've got a question. i bought a turkey yesterday at a target superstore, it was in, like, the refrigerator kind of open cooler in the produce department -- >> stephen: oh, the things that look like coffins? >> yeah, but they're closed --
they're open. >> stephen: open, an open casket. >> yeah, okay. so anyway, so it wasn't frozen, so my question is, and it said sell up to, like, november 28. now, is it okay, i brought it home and just put it in my refrigerator, can i keep it in the refrigerator for a week or freeze it first or was it frozen first. >> stephen: it might be still frozen and you don't know it because the inside could be frozen and you don't know it. do you have a wooden spoon? >> yeah. >> stephen: can you hit it? does it sound like a rock when s it sound like you're spanking a -- um -- a lover? >> it's like you're spanking. you want to hear it? >> stephen: yeah, put the phone up. >> okay, i'm just hitting it with my hand. >> stephen: one more time, i didn't hear that. yeah, that's thawed. >> you have a good thanksgiving. >> stephen: you, too. bye. >> announcer: coming up, stephen explains ancient
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>> jon: what you got there, stephen? >> stephen: it's a baby sparrow, jon. i found him in my driveway. i'm nursing him back to health. >> jon: see, that's what i like about you, stephen, you like to help others. it's really beautiful. >> stephen: i'm sorry, hold on a second -- ( heaving ) sorry, jon. what were you saying was beautiful? >> jon: let's just roll the next thing. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: we just hit another cultural milestone because after the recent closing of two blockbuster video stores in alaska, america has just one blockbuster left in oregon, which means i am now one step away from taking permanent possession of the cutting edge. ( laughter ) you will soon be mine forever. that's just another thing fading
away that young people will not get to experience like sending a fax or paying for pornography. ( laughter ) so i want to do something about it. i want to give the younger generation tonight a shot at an experience that will soon be gone forever and it starts right now. audience tonight? do we have a millennial? ( applause ) you're not millennial. you're not a millennial. are you a millennial? come with me. come with me. come on, you're a millennial. here we go. we've got to go back down here. come on. this is -- hold on. this right here, this is -- we call this the bill murray door, okay, because he used to come in and out of this door a lot. do you know what that is? >> yeah, from wes anderson movies. >> stephen: you're definitely a plirnl let's go. what's your name. >> christine. >> stephen: from new york? no, missouri. >> stephen: the show me state.
i want to show you something, we're coming up on one right now, they're disappearing all over america, but i wanted to give you an opportunity to use something that your age never ever has to deal with. >> okay. >> stephen: here it is, okay. do you -- do you know what these are? >> yes. >> stephen: what is it? it's a phone booth. >> stephen: it's a phone booth. >> yeah. >> stephen: what do you do in a phone booth? >> you can call people. >> stephen: you can. you can. it's one to have the things you can do. it's also an open-air urine, also. have you ever used a phone booth before? >> i have not. >> stephen: you have not used a phone booth? >> no. >> stephen: i feel young. do you like to text? >> yes. >> stephen: i hear millennials text more than phone calls. >> yeah, i like to text. >> stephen: you can text on this, too. you pick up the phone, dial the person you want to text and tell them is what you would have
texted. >> okay. >> stephen: okay, great, make a phone call. do you have any quarters on you. >> no, no quarters. do you have quarters? >> stephen: i have quarters. okay. >> stephen: there you go. hold that. >> thank you. >> stephen: all right. have you ever seen these before? they're like venmo you can touch. ( laughter ) okay? all right? >> uh-huh, uh-huh. >> stephen: do you have any idea about how to do this? what's your guess about how to do this? >> i think you put it in there, in the, like, slot. >> stephen: go ahead, and give it a shot. >> okay. oh, no. >> stephen: i have more. don't worry about it. i'm rich. i'm rich. i have a tv show. don't worry about it. pick it up. >> okay. >> stephen: now, dial a phone number. do you know any phone numbers other than yourself or your parents'? you can't look at your phone. >> no, i just don't. >> stephen: you don't know any phone numbers? >> no. >> stephen: see, you actually had to know phone numbers when these were around.
>> i can't do that. >> stephen: call the pizza place. i'll give you the number. 1-917-261-4204. is it ringing in there? >> thank you for calling na pollton express. this is angie. >> hi, can i get five large cheese pizzas? >> five large cheese pizzas? sure, can i have a name for that order? >> christine. all right, christine, give it about five or six minutes. >> thank you. , bye-bye. >> stephen: di work? it worked! >> stephen: one more. face the camera. i'll whisper what you should say in the phone booth if this was is hay day of phone booths. ready? >> yes. ( whispering ) >> stephen: repeat what i say. operator. operator.
get me klondike 5232. i have to get my lover before he ships off to the war. ( whispering ) >> we had a fight and i don't want him to face the jerries without my love. jerry seinfeld? ( laughter ) >> stephen: you can't have a red wave in a republican primary. a republican was always going to win. as i say, wow, i can't believe a child won the spelling bee this year. those kids are on a streak. child wave! pencil, pencil (spelling). yes, that's the word that knocked me out in third grade. ( laughter )
>> stephen: well, we've learned a lot tonight, john. >> jon: we sure have, stephen. mmm! this turkey is delicious! >> stephen: the secret is to put a pinch of smoked paprika in the glaze. right, bird? bird? ( laughter ) oh. >> jon: oh ( gobble gobble ) >> stephen: bird! oh! oh, my gosh, we thought that wa- oh! ( laughter )
whoo! ( audience reacts ) uh, can cbs show cannibalism? >> jon: happy holidays, stephen. >> stephen: happy holidays, jon. happy holidays, bird! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen,