tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 5, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PST
>> stephen: i love it! i love it! you gotta love it live! ( cheers and applause ) live! live! >> dickerson: stephen! steve stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hi, chris. how are you? ( cheers and applause ) hey, paul! what's up? hey everybody, up there, down here, please, sit down! sit down! thank you very much! welcome, welcome o to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) everybody's excited because tonight, trump gave his state of the union, and we are live, if what you call what we just watched "live." it was pretty raucous on the republican side, i'll tell you
that much. pretty quiet on the democracy side because it wasinancy's house. she showed great restraint. she did not stick on out her tongue once. this wasn't a particularly good speech, but what it lacked in quality, it made up in length. ( laughter ) it was-- it was like-- ( applause ) this speech was like watching paint lie. ( laughter ) now, leading up to the big speech the president refused to give any spoilers. >> you'll hear the state of the union and then you'll see what happens right after the state of the union. >> stephen: okay, yes. that is how time works. thank you very much. throughout the speech, trump stuck to his teleprompter most of the night. his staff tried to keep him focused on the prompter by adding a bouncy cheeseburger.
( laughter ) snap in! snap in! what, what, what, what! no surprise, the democrats who have announced their 2020 campaigns, already really tried to make a splash with their guests. elizabeth warren brought an employee of the u.s. department of housing and urban development furloughed during the government shutdown. kamala harris brought an air traffic controller who went without a paycheck during the shutdown and lost her home in a wildfire. not to be outdone, senator cory booker brought a hero from his hometown of newark: a flaming parked car. ( laughter ) stay strok, flaming parked car! had high hopes.n the i haigh hopes. especially when cnn teased us with this graphic: "trumpvesoon come on! come on! ( cheers and applause ) you can't-- you can't tease us. that's not cool!
cnn, uncool, cnn. "this just in: president trump has officially stepped down... the front stairs to get in his car." ( laughter ) everybody was there, including don jr., who apparently arrived with police. kind of how it is for him now. cops hang out near him with cuffs open and ready. ( laughter ) trump started the night by choosing energy secretary rick perry as the designated survivor. so that's in case, if something-- god forbid-- happened at the capitol tonight-- a meteor took out all our leadership, rick perry would be our own hope. and an expert on rick perry has this reaction to that choice: >> oops. >> stephen: oops, indeed. oops, indeed. state of the union, always a big
night. always a big night. everybody who was anybody who was not indicted was there. let's see, democratic women wore white to commemorate the suffragettes. ( cheers and applause ) beautiful. beautiful. >> stephen: >> jon: yeah, that's amazing. i love that. >> stephen: beautiful. ( applause ) so, so the democratic side was a sea of white, and the republican side also a sea of white. ( applause ) now, as he entered, he did the normal handshaking, shaking the hand of the people who will eventually decide if he can be indicted. it was a wide-ranging speech. trump honored some wonderful children, some world war ii veterans, some former prisoners who were freed by clemency or the new prison reform. i think he declared himself president of venezuela at one point. when the speech began, one of the first things trump did was introduce his wife.
>> madam speaker, mr. vice president, members of congress, the first lady of the united states. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: that's a really smart move: say who she is, then wait for her to stawnd before acknowledging her. ( laughter ) that is the "hey, champ" of forgetting who you are currently married to. he started-- he started the evening-- "what's up, b bipartisanship: >> the agenda i will lay out this evening is not a republican agenda or a democrat agenda. it's the agenda of the american people.
>> stephen: "can somebody please tell them these were their ideas? because i'm getting killed in the polls right now." and he took a moment to tout american greatness. >> america saved freedom, transformed science, redefined the middle class, and when you get down to it, there's nothing anywhere in the world that can compete with america. >> stephen: (as trump): "home of the whopper, undefeated heavyweight champion of the world. america: it's everywhere you wanna be. ba-da-ba-ba-ba, i'm loving it." m lon.'s a le late for that. i am not messing with that. >> stephen: and he presented a stark choice: >> we must choose between greatness or gridlock, results or resistance, vision or vengeance, incredible progress or pointless destruction.
>> stephen: (as trump): "soup or salad, paper or plastic, ross and rachel, alien v. predator... whoever wins, we lose." ( laughter ) and, of course-- ( applause ) predator fans. alien versus predator. of course, he bragged more about the economy: >> and we are considered, far and away, the hottest economy anywhere in the world. >> stephen: (as trump): "it is so hot, if it wasn't my economy, perhaps i'd be dating >> jon: oh, no! oh, no! >> stephen: "jon, i'm telling you, jon, you know, i love a hot economy." the evening went on... and on. ( laughter )
g.o.p. lawmakers stood up and sat down so many times, it sounded like they were making popcorn with their kneecaps. ( laughter ) he made a not-so-subtle threat to house democrats. >> an economic miracle is taking place in the united states, and the only thing that can stop it are foolish wars, politics, or ridiculous partisan investigations. >> stephen: "you heard me, you get the truth or a functioning economy, okay. keep in mind, i turned this sucker off for a month over a wall. you think i won't burn this place to the ground to stay out of jail? okay. i'm just saying nice country you got here, shame-- shame if something happened to it." ( applause ) in that same vain, he kept going in what he clearly thought was a line that would get a standing ovation.
>> if there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation. it just doesn't work that way! ( single clap ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: even-- even the republicans were like-- hey! did he... what? what-- nice try on that argument." "you can't have legislation and investigation. whoever heard of law and order? come on. ( applause ) you can't have both. you have to choose. you have to choose. jon, you have to choose. you have to give me that one. you have to give me that one." ( applause ) and trump talked the talk on immigration. >> now is the time for congress to show the world that america is committed to ending illegal immigration and putting the ruthless coyotes, cartels, drug dealers, and human traffickers out of business.
>> stephen: and no one knows how to put something out of business like donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) you can take that to the bank! because they are repossessing it in the chapter 11! now, trump knows-- trump knows immigrants are taking american jobs. >> working class americans are left to pay the price for mass illegal immigration: reduced jobs. >> stephen: but he also knows this: >> more people are working now ofur country.ime inst >> stephen: the both of those things are true, if you don't think about it too hard. i don't. i don't think about it at all. okay. yes and no." and he laid out a strong argument against illegal immigration. >> tolerance for illegal
immigration is not compassiona compassionate. it is actually very cruel. >> stephen: "i mean, not kids in cages cruel, but, still, pretty bad." the point is-- and this is my point ultimately-- tolerance is cruelty. war is peace. freedom of slavery, and i weigh 239 pounds. ( laughter ) ( applause ) trump-- trump-- trump was bravely willing to take credit for any good thing that happened in the country. >> no one has benefited more from a thriving economy than women who have filled 58% of the newly created jobs last year. ( applause ) >> stephen: they're way ahead of you, don. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wooooo!
woooo! >> stephen: most of those jobs were new democratic women in congress. and trump supported their celebration with this: >> you weren't supposed to do that. >> stephen: donald trump trying to tell women what to do is why they won. ( cheers and applause ) but-- but-- but-- but come on, trump rolled with it. >> don't sit yet. you're going to like this. >> stephen: "i resign." ( cheers and applause ) is that not what he said? is that not what he said? >> jon: that's not what he said. >> stephen: and he rolled out some policy proposals to appeal to working parents. >> i am also proud to be the first president to include in my budget a plan for nationwide paid family leave so that every new parent has the chance to bond with their newborn child. >> stephen: "because, you
know, some people are too busy to bond with their wife and newborn child. unstead, they're forced to go to a vodka launch party and tag a porn star. i'm sorry. not on my watch! no, no, i'm sorry. i meant to say not while anyone is watching me." trump also made-- gets you. it gets you-- gets you right there, chris. truch also made a big announcement about his buddy, kim jong-un. >> chairman kim and i will meet again on february 27 and 28 in vietnam. >> stephen: "unless my bone spurs act up. in which case, i'm sending eric, okay? strap on. strap on, eric." ( applause ) trump made sure to insist that this government will strictly enforce its small-government stance. >> we are alarmed by the new
calls to adopt socialism in our country. ( booing ) america was founded on liberty and independence and not government coercion, domination, and control. we are born free and we will stay free. ( applause ) >> stephen: jimmy, hold on. i believe we had a mic on bernie sandersinar. can we-- can we go back and turn that up? >> we are born free and we will stay free. ( applause ) ( "curb your enthusiasm theme." >> then he ramped up for his big finish. >> together we represent the most extraordinary nation in all of history.
what will we do with this moment? how will we be remembered? >> stephen: "how many years will we serve, and will we get time off for good behavior?" ( cheers and applause ) and-- and-- and he ended his speech with some lofty words. >> this is the time to search for the tallest summit and set our sights on the brightest star. >> stephen: that i believe, because i actually remember seeing trump set his sights on the brightest star. ( applause ) and that-- that he brought it allom he brought it all home with a simple plea. >> i asking you to choose greatness. no matter the trials we face. >> stephen: well, in that case, sir, i choose you face a
trial because that will be great. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a fantastic show fur tonight. the team from "cbs this morning" is here. spike lee is here. stick around. we've just begun. and it's live! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) stop fearing your alarm clock... with zzzquil pure zzzs. a drug-free blend of botanicals with melatonin that supports your natural sleep cycle so you can seize the morning. zzzquil pure zzzs.
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>> stephen: well, folks, welcome back to our live show following the state of the union by donald trump. please have a seat, everybody. i'm so glad they're here. my first guests tonight host the best morning show on tv. from "cbs this morning," please john dickerson norah o'donnell, and bianna golodryga and gayle king. ♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> stephen: please, have a seat. there you go. come on down. come on down. first of all,-- >> this feels like a big couch, stephen. >> stephen: we cut out the big couch for you guys. i don't think we've ever had this many people at once. thank you so much for being here. i know that you guys work real
jobs and have to get up in the morning. thanks for coming to our little reindeer games tonight. >> we're just thinking sleep is overrated. and if you're going to stay up late on a school night, shouldn't you be with stephen colbert? ( applause ) >> stephen: okay, let's get right to it. we've got a lot to cover and very little time, and we're live! okay, so, how did he do? how-- gayle, how do you think he did? >> well, we kept hearing-- all after we kept hearing it's going to be unity, unity, unity. then an hour before i heard it's going to be very aggressive, very caustic, and very acrimonious. i actually thought it was very-- i thought it was pretty tame. there were a couple of moments where you went "huh," you cocked your head. i thought he tried to extend the olive branch. >> stephen: when was that-- >> when he gave the shoutout to the women. when he gave the shoutout to the women all wearing white. >> stephen: that's true, that's true. >> that's what i was saying. >> stephen: that was really a lovely moment that they had
before he could name it. you know? i think they knew it was coming, and they said, "we're not going to let you congratulate us." >> they all rose-- >> he was trying to take credit for the fact so many women-- we have a record number of women in the workforce now. 74 million women. but some of the women in congress took men's jobs. >> and he has every right to take credit for that because they won in large part because they ran against him. >> stephen: where's the thank you? at long last, where is the thank you 124. >> but it got the biggest applause line. >> he was also happy they were standing up. you had democrats standing up and applauding the president. how often does that happen? >> stephen: he can think they were applauding him. that's very sweet. it was very beautiful, though, to see all of that white pup got an immediate-- it was a great effect. i think all the women on the democratic side wore white. you saw the impact of the checkin the congress immediately. that in some ways was-- we'll
get to the democratic response in a moment-- but in ways, that was sort of a preresponse to anything the president was going to say was the diversity of the democratic side. >> you couldn't help but notice it with nancy pelosi standing right behind him. >> and wearing white in honor of the suffragettes, in honor of women getting to vote. >> i notice all the guys got together, too, and wore navy suits. >> stephen: jon, thank you for the solidarity. >> it turns out-- we sleep in these. this is actually what i wear to bed normally. >> stephen: so what do you think-- tomorrow morning, you know, when-- when we get up, what are you guys going to be talking about? what do you think the takeaway from the speech is going to be? >> well, i did learn, if it wasn't for him, we would be at war with north korea. that was a moment where i go -- >> stephen: that's aled thre th's a veiled threat. that's like, "if you don't re-elect me, i'll start a war five minutes before i leave, "by the way, when you say, "when we get up," that cuts a little
close for us because it's in about two hours. >> stephen: when you all get up. i'm sleeping in tomorrow. >> we'll call you. >> in the morning, fing you're a trump supporter or you're a republican there was a lot in that speech to like. he talked about the economy at length. i bet there were a lot of republicans who thought why didn't he do this all the time during the 2018 election, talk about the economy and criminal justice reform, which was a bipartisan effort. but i think state of the unions evaporate pretty quickly after they've been given based on the context of what's happening outside. and what's happening outside that building now, there are mueller investigations, there are other federal investigations. we are in the snooze bar period between one government shutdown and a potential other government shutdown. you have democrats having won the house feeling energized because they fought him. that's the context and everything he says will probably evaporate. and we have donald trump the tweeter different from donald trump the teleprompter who will-- who will-- ( applause ).
>> stephen: right. norah? >> well, i think there's a key line. he threatened congress as well. he said if there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation. that was a threat. he called them these ridiculous investigations. >> and how many investigations are there? >> there are 17 current known investigations against trump by-- including mueller, by the southern district of new york, in the district of columbia, by the eastern district of new york. so those are outside of congress, those investigations that are-- >> smoky the bear. >> inspector clu so. >> there's also a difference talking about a healthy economy and the hottest economy in history. it is just not the case. ghana's economy is growing faster than the united states. >> stephen: make america ghana again. >> even china. it's slowing but growing at a faster rate than the u.s. economy. a lot to be
100 straight months of job growth. but we have seen stronger economic growth in years past. >> he does deserve some credit for the economy, him and the previous administration ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> and i think republicans wish he would focus on that. i always find it disturbing, though, steve when he talks about the wall, and you would think there are marauding immigrants and migrant workers who are coming into this country who are going to murder us while we're sleeping in our beds. i was at texas at the border, and when you see these people and you talk to these people,hay to come to a country where you're not welcomed but you still think it's better to be here than there. they're fleeing for their lives. they're trying to support their families. they're trying to really save their lives. i met a woman whose daughter had been raped several times. and she said, "i've got to go. the another guy who was a member of a gang he didn't want to be and his father brought him.
you're separating these children from their parents. they are coming because they want a better life. they are trying to live. sure, there are some outliars but that is not the majority of the people and that bothers me. >> stephen: that leads to my next question, john, you were saying the state of the union speeches are kind of like emotional cotton candy. as soon as they hit water, they evaporate. what does he get out of this for the most important thing right now, which is to fulfill the campaign perhaps to build that wall. he's up against-- are we 10 days away, five days-- i forgot-- 30 seconds? >> 10. >> stephen: from the 15th. will this move the noodle. >> no, it won't move the needle, but it sliddifies his support. and where was that weakening? we saw from the polls he was losing support during the shutdown. when he talks about declaring an emergency for, this a lot of republicans stood up when mike pence went to meet with him two weeks ago and said, "don't do that. we yltd yld and screamed when
barack obama did similar things, this is unconstitutional." if he's making the case looking like he was extending an olive branch-- although, i'm with you, i didn't see any particular olive branches-- it shores up his troops and that's good for one speech for one night. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break and-- >> do you want us to stay? >> stephen: yes, please stay. i'll be back with the hosts of "cbs this morning." please do. so nice. i'm missing out on our family outings because i can't find a bladder leakage product that fits. everything was too loose. but depend® fit-flex feels tailored to me. with a range of sizes for all body types. depend® fit-flex underwear is guaranteed to be your best fit.
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( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everything, welcome back! we're here with our-- ( cheers and applause ) our kind and generous friends from "cbs this morning." now, before we go on, a couple of things i want to talk about, the other people in the room. let's talk about what the president did not say in this speech. were there things that you
expected him to touch on, policies or subjects-- >> the furloughed workers. >> stephen: to say something about the possible who lost-- >> stacey abrams touched on it. >> stephen: in the democratic response. >> yes. when you think about the people who have been living paycheck to paycheck, who had missed one paycheck, and many missed a second paycheck, how that totally upends your lives, i thought he was going to say something about that, nothing. >> stephen: he made a big show during the shutdown of saying, "they agree with me. they want this." >> and there were no inroads made with the china negotiations. march 1 are the tariff deadlines. he said we're making progress. and there are no specifics and this is something that could really destabilize the economy if we don't see progress before the deadline. >> one thing i thought he could have done that was symbolic, george bush, in his state of the union, started the speech by saying, "it is my great honor to... and turned to madam speaker, turned to nancy pelosi, and took that moment to acknowledge that she was there and that the election had happened. it was a gimme.
which is to say, talk about an olive branch, it's a gimme to say, "i acknowledge you, your power." and everybody would have loved it, and everybody would have said, "he really showed he is putting something behind the claims of unity and bipartisanship." he just went into it. >> do you think he forgot or do you think it was a bit of a-- ( laughter ). >> seriously, seriously. do you think he forgot to do that or didn't know to do that or it was a bit of a dig? >> i don't know. they chose not to do-- not to acknowledge that -- >> stephen: i think he remembered to be rude. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i don't know. i don't know. >> stephen: okay, we've got it keep moving here. >> i don't know. >> stephen: the power has shifted, okay. so that's one example. do you think that he feels it? is this in any way different? is this a different trump than a year ago when he addressed that chamber? >> absolutely. it was clear he knew he was going into a divided government. there is those routine calls for unity, but there seemed to be an abundance of it tonight in that
speech. he did seem to be trying to reach across the aisle, at the same time, threatening them to end the investigations. ( laughter ) but make no mistake, just like we saw it on tv, he saw the sea of white out there. he saw a different congress looking back at him, and he thought to himself, probably, "dang, i had a whole republican congress for two years. i should have done more that first two years." >> you think he said "dang?" think about this. his nickname for nancy pelosi is nancy. so he knows -- >> stephen: it's a real zinger. >> and you could see the power that she held in that room. there's been a lot of concern about discontent went democratic party as well, and you would see moment where's it looked like maybe some of the newly elected democrats would speak out or boo and you saw nancy just say this... >> stephen: she was giving the-- >> there will be decorum in the house. and she sort of set that tone from the very beginning. >> her face did not look like he was sparking joy with her. >> no, she's looking at the speech. >> stephen: i think she'd like
to marie condo him out of her house. >> she's looking at the speech, "how many more pages are there." >> stephen: she's sitting there next to pence. what do you think that's like to be sitting next to mike pence for that entire thing? >> well, he's going to be on tomorrow. we can ask him. >> thoors on "cbs this morning." >> i'm going to say stephen colbert wants to know. >> stephen: say i didn't think you were allowed to spend that much time with a woman who is not his wife. >> his wifes of there, though. she was keeping an eye on him. >> stephen: so all is fine. how about, how about-- how about norms? the state of the union is one of the great repeated ceremonies of the presidency. it's full of norms and ceremony. i-- i. >> -- i've only watched it on tv. you have all been down in washington, d.c. has he kept up the norms of the state of the union? >> largely. >> largely, me tnk since woodrow wilson he started delivering
them in person to the whole joint congress. it's become much more of a political speech. he seems to be going a lot longer, though, than some of our previous president s. >> stephen: it was clintonnesque. >> he was really kind of stretching it out. >> stephen: kind of the republicans' fault, because they were applauding-- they were giving standing ovation between syllables of word. >> the bar is low. >> it was an oddible reminder of just how locked in the party is to that president and that's not an insignificant thing as he faces investigations and faces all of these roiling trouble s. >> stephen: if he goes down, it's going to be very hard for them to abandon ship. >> it would be impossible. they have stood by him -- >> stephen: it will be hard. >> i predict much of what we heard tonight will be forgotten by the end of the week or next week. >> stephen: i don't know what you're talking about. "cbs this morning" airs weekdays at 7:00 a.m. the "cbs this morning" team, everybody! we'll be right back with spike lee snp. come on! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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directed films like "do the right thing," "inside man," and "malcom x." his latest, "black klansman," is nominated for xix oscars, including best director. please welcome back to "the late show," spike lee! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. nice to see you again. >> glad to be here. glad to be here. >> stephen: now, did you get a chance to watch any of the state of the union? >> some of it. >> stephen: some of it. some of it. >> my thing is deeds, not words. ( applause ) >> stephen: sure. >> you can talk all you want, but if you don't follow up what you're saying, then something's wrong. so i'm seeing him giving-- bringing up people who survived the holocaust, from
concentration camps, people who landed in normandy with the allies to fight the nazis. but something happened in charlottesville. ( applause ) that guy had a chance to denounce the alt-right, to denounce the klan, to denounce neo-nazis. there's a disconnect. ( applause ) there's a disconnect. ( applause ) hate is hate. and i don't know how you say we should all come together when you demonize people. ( applause ) you say mexicans are murderers, rapists, and drug dealers. we have to build a wall. then, what really broke my heart
is seeing infants, babies snatched from their mother's arms. how many-- what is the number where children have still been not connected with their parents? and when they put that stuff in place, they had no mechanism to keep track of the families. and for me -- >> stephen: nowf they've said-- now they've said it's too hard to return them. we don't know how to do it. >> you have to put something in place so families -- and for me, i thought of slavery rightmin so this guy-- ( applause ) >> stephen: i notice you're not saying the president's name. you don't say his name. >> no. >> stephen: do you have a nickname for him? >> agent orange. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i want to get to this "blackkklansman," six oscar nominations. yes.
congratulations. ( applause ) we've got to take a commercial break in a minute, so i don't want to go to the clip just right now, but i do want to ask you one thing, david duke features in this film. >> yeah. >> stephen: prominently. >> both ways. >> stephen: both ways. he was worried that he wasn't going to be portrayed well in this film. and so he called the main character-- >> well, you shouldn't wear a robe and a hood. >> stephen: he called the main character, ron stallworth, in real life, and said, you know, "i'm worried how i'm going to be portrayed here. i have always respected spike lee." how does it-- how does it make you feel? i will say, this i never thought david duke and i would agree on something. i have also always respected spike lee. >> he said "malcolm "x"" is his
favorite film. >> stephen: did he say why? >> i wasn't there. >> stephen: he's a big denzel fan. >> i don't know what it is. >> stephen: i want to get into it, and i want to show a fantastic clip of the movie in just a moment. we have to take a break and we'll be back with more spike lee. what bad back? advil is... relief that's fast. strength that lasts. you'll ask... what pain? with advil liqui-gels. i'll take is pepsi ok? is pepsi, ok? is pepsi, ok!? [laughter] are puppies, ok? is a shooting star, ok? is the laughter of a small child, ok? pepsi's more than, ok! it's okayyyy okurrrr ♪ i like it okay, what have we learned today? you want a pepsi? i want a pepsi. there you go. okurrr. aaahh. i've got to come up with my own catch phrase. okayyy
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word. >> i'll give the six-word pitch. >> stephen: six words. there it is. you were nominated for best director. >this is your first nomination. >> first time. >> stephen: first nomination of best director. >> and best picture, too. first time. >> stephen: do you think that you're-- you've done some very powerful films. do you think that you're a better filmmaker, or do you think the academy has gotten
better about recognizing-- >> the academy has become diversified. ( applause ) the oscars so white was not a good look for them. and with the african american woman, who went to the board of governors and said, look, we've got to-- this organization to reflect what america looks like." i would not have been nominated and many other people of color if not for the diversity that came to the the voting body. >> stephen: you think it's a significant change. >> oh, big, big, big. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: the movie itself, the movie itself resonates with our own time. there are actually references to the president-- the present and the president-- in your movie. especially with people like governor northam in virginia. do you wish it didn't resonate so much for our present time?
>> you make a wish you know, but, you know, we live where we live. but the guy to say it was him, the next day it wasn't him. "it wasn't me." what's the name of that song? "it wasn't me." ♪ ♪ so it's luny tunes now. it's luny tunes. >> stephen: he did admit he had done a michael jackson impression. >> and he put shoe polish on his face. >> stephen: but he said only a little, spike lee. >> not buying it. >> stephen: not buying it? >> not buying it. >> stephen: me, neither. >> it's crazy. i want to say, though, what you do 0 very important because you're getet the worth outside. ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you, and thank you for your art, sharing it with us. very nice of you to say. >> you call b.s. on this stuff, man. come on. ( applause ). >> stephen: you're my favorite guest!