tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 28, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PST
>> the late show is next. >> tomorrow manager at 4:30, our next newscast. we'll update youtions.ok goodnighkend. captioning sponsored by cbs >> the state of the union is uncertain. new questions this morning about how the president will deliver it and where. >> its location is still to be determined. >> the big question is, where? >> the speech is being written. the expectation is it will be delivered, we just don't know where. >> are you looking for a place to hold your state of the union address? then look no further... >> ...than frank's banquet hall... >> in paramus. >> frank's is the perfect place to address a worried nation and enjoy a full buffet! you may not get your funding for your border wall, but you will have access to our accordion wall. ( laughter ) perfect for keeping out the bar
mitzvah in the adjacent space. and even nancy pelosi won't be able to say no to our deluxe coffee station. need a sergeant of arms? what about our nephew, keith? he's also available to deejay. so enjoy your state of the union, and then your steak of the onions. >> come to frank's banquet hall. >> where the state of the union is delicious! >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, the state of confusion. plus, stephen welcomes... matthew mcconaughey. and musical guest, better oblivion community center. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: come on! wooo!
that's good! there here we go! here we go! wooo! ladies and gentlemen, what a lovely crowd. welcome, welcome, one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and i come before you tonight to declare that the state of our union is "i-unno." ( laughter ) because nobody, nobody knows if we're going to have a state of the union address. the situation is chaotic and bitter and confusing-- which is actually the state of our union. ( laughter ) you see, here's how we got here: last week, speaker pelosi sent a very polite letter to the president telling him to stay away because he smells bad and his mother dresses him funny. ( laughter ) subtext. uh, she actually cited security concerns.
well, today, the president lettered back, saying he'd checked with the secret service, and, "there are no security concerns. therefore, i will be fulfilling my constitutional duty to deliver important information to the people and the congress of the united states of america regarding the state of our union." ( laughter ) i'm-- ( cheers and applause ) i'm not sure if he's hearing pelosi. it's like this guy doesn't understand that "no" means "no." he went on, "it would be so very sad for our country if the state of the union were not delivered on time, on schedule, and very importantly, on location!" ( laughter ) yes, very sad, very sad. almost-- almost as sad as having a president who doesn't realize that "on time" and "on schedule" mean the same thing.
( laughter ) but i will say this. i will give him this much: it is good that he'll be doing it on location, because a lot of presidents save money and just shoot the whole thing in vancouver. ( laughter ) and you're like, "does washington, d.c. have mountains? i don't remember mountains in washington, d.c." now, this is not the first sign that trump was pushing ahead. over the weekend, the white house asked for-- but was denied-- a walk-through by the house of representatives' sergeant at arms to prepare for the speech. in other words, after pelosi nixed the speech, they tried a time-honored tactic used by kids everywhere. "mom, can i have a state of the union? no? dad, can i have a state of the union?" ( laughter ) "what does your mother say?" ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) trump really wants to state this
union, because according to one white house spokesperson, "the president has an incredible story to tell." really? what's it going to be? ( as trump ): "i want to tell you about an incredible journey, where a dog, a cat, and another dog travel many miles and fight a huge bear, and eventually find their way home... to capitol hill." ( laughter ) but it looks like trump's state of the union may have to wait until there's a union for him to state, because according to the rules, "a resolution needs to be agreed to by both chambers specifying the date and time for receiving an address from the president." he can't enter unless they invite him in. congress works on vampire rules. ( laughter ) yeah, which is appropriate. yeah. ( applause ) it's appropriate, because this is sucking the blood out of this country.
and this afternoon, pelosi wrote back that, "the house of representatives will not consider a concurrent resolution authorizing the president's state of the union address in the house chamber until the government has opened." man-- ( cheers and applause ) man. she-- "uh-uh. no. no." she-- she just spanked him with a co-equal branch. ( laughter ) careful, he likes that. ( laughter ) now, pelosi ended her letter very politely, writing, "i look forward to welcoming you to the house on a mutually agreeable date for this address when the government has been opened." adding-- ( cheers and applause ) yes. adding, in a personal note, "at which point, we will cordially invite you to attend and select one of three entrees: humble pie, crow, or my juicy ass." ( laughter ) after--
( applause ) after pelosi released her letter, trump convened the reporters for a shout-at. >> the state of the union speech has been cancelled by nancy pelosi, because she doesn't want to hear the truth. she doesn't want the american public to hear what's going on, and she's afraid of the truth. >> stephen: she's not saying you can't give a speech. she's just saying you can't do it in her house. you know, it's bartender rules: you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. but-- >> jon: ♪ closing time >> stephen: but he doesn't understand that. ( applause ) doesn't drink. he doesn't drink. he doesn't know that. he doesn't know that. he did debut a new nickname. because he's got these fancy nicknames. he loves nicknames. lyin' ted, you know, cryin' chuck. he has these great biting nicknames. he has a new one for nancy pelosi. >> it's called the state of the union.
it's in the constitution. we're supposed to be doing it, and now nancy pelosi-- or nancy, as i call her. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, man. >> stephen: i don't quite-- your nickname for nancy pelosi is "nancy"? ( laughter ) ( as trump ): "i've got a great burn. okay, i've got a great burn. get ready: hey, nancy! that's it. let me know if she zings me back." in addition, he wanted us to know things are bad. >> it's always good to be part of history, but this is a very negative part of history. this is where people are afraid to open up and say what's going on. so it's a very, very negative part of history. >> stephen: he's right. and we'll have to teach our children about it with: "donald trump and the very, very negative part of history." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wow.
that is a good book. >> stephen: that is a good book. we should do that book. trump made sure to continue to warn us about the dangers of immigrants. >> i won't soon forget the man that was interviewed where he wanted some kind of pardon-- or whatever-- when he came into the country, and the network person said, "well, what did you do?" and he said, "murder," or something to that effect. and he goes, "whoa, murder." >> stephen: i love when the president talks to the press to hazily recall things he saw on tv. ( as trump ): "one time, i sawes writing something. what she was writing was murder, and i go, 'whoa, murder ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wow, wow. >> stephen: makes as much sense. makes as much sense. maybe-- i'm just going to say
maybe a little hint, maybe don't start a sentence with something you can't remember with the phrase, "i won't soon forget." ( laughter ) so it's pretty obvious trump's going to do something. the white house is actually preparing two versions of the state of the union-- one that could be delivered in washington and another that could be delivered anywhere else in the country. yeah, but it has to be a location befitting this president's dignity, so maybe a ball pit at mcdonald's, or a sand trap. oh, i know-- red square! the president-- ( cheers and applause ) beautiful backdrop. beautiful-- ( laughter and applause ) >> jon: oooohhhh! >> stephen: you okay? you okay over there? you going to be >> stephen: the president hasn't yet said exactly, what he's going to do, but reports say that trump might deliver his state of the union address at a rally. it turns out, they've already made an ad for that rally. check it out. >> next tuesday, tuesday,
tuesday. in accordance with article two of the constitution-tution- tution. it's the state of the union address! brought to you by the maga maniac himself, president trump. in association with the russian government. featuring hillary in a cage. plus rudy giuliani driving his own grave digger. and don't miss an appearance by the next secretary of defense, truck-asaurus. and kids get your picture taken with slatty the steel barrier. the government may be shut down, but donald trump will not be shut up. be there government workers, because you don't have a job! ( explosion ) >> stephen: now, i'm watching-- ( cheers and applause ) are we live that night? we're live that night, jon. come hell or high water, we are live that night. unless we're not.
( laughter ) trump's polls are, they're crumbling, right? they're tanking right now. and he's got his back against the lack-of-wall, this morning, trump unveiled his plan to win everyone back: a rhyming couplet: "build a wall and crime will fall! this is the new theme for two years, until the wall is finished-- under construction now-- of the republican party. use it and pray!" that is not an inspiring slogan. you wouldn't buy condoms if their tagline was, "trojan: use it and pray!" ( laughter and applause ) and-- namaste. and when did trump start rhyming? if he ever does have a state of the union, he'll turn his hair sideways and go, "my name is donald trump, and i'm here to say, this was written with my friend kanye. ( laughter )
a-wiki, wiki-a-wiki, wiki, i love the wiki-wikileaks." ( laughter ) turns out-- so sorry, i'm so sorry. even joking. ( cheers and applause ) even joking that is terrible. even joking. thank you very much. turns out, trump's tweet is just the first line of a looooong poem. it's just the first couple of lines of a much longer poem. matter of fact, we have an exclusive copy of the whole thing, here in donald trump's poetry notebook. "my tremendous poems: warning, sharks keep out." "build a wall and crime will fall, yelled the loneliest man of all. ( laughter ) until i get my slats of steel, i'll feed you uninspected veal. and tell you tales of latin killers i heard about from stephen miller. to stop the scary murderers who
want to steal my hamberders. ( laughter ) i will not let the shutdown end, 'til i get my demand: one friend." >> audience: oooh! >> jon: wow! >> stephen: really, really? at the end there-- at the end there-- heartbreaking. >> jon: that thing got dark. >> stephen: right at the end there. ( cheers and applause ) oh! it gets ya. right. >> jon: it hit me. >> stephen: that's-- that's-- you care about him. that's very nice of you. that's very sweet. that's upsettingly sweet of you. one federal agency that can't wait for the shutdown to end is the f.b.i. things are so tough that one bureau employee said, "we have a robust food bank going." that's a good thing, otherwise it would be: "freeze! f.b.i.! put the sandwich on the ground and walk away! leave the chips, too! leave the chips!
( laughter ) salt and vinegar? you can take them. you can take the salt and vinegar. ( laughter ) do you have barbecue?" ( laughter and applause ) ( piano riff ) thank you, jon. >> jon: i like salt and vinegar. >> stephen: i'm really an actor. i'm really a mime. >> jon: where you at, pringles? >> stephen: the shutdown is also affecting the bureau's ability to do their job. one agent reported that they "are unable to do undercover operations that require using government funds to purchase narcotics or firearms from gang members." so now they've got to act like real drug addicts. "hey, man, i don't have your money. i'll just give you my watch and this gun and this badge. don't ask where i got them." ( laughter ) even-- even agents fighting sex traffickers are having a hard time. as one agent said, until funding comes through, "i have had to put my pervs on standby." ( laughter ) putting a perv on standby also describes what pelosi just did to trump. ( laughter )
( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. matthew mcconaughey is here. stick around! ( band playing ) ♪ charmin ultra soft! it's softer than ever. charmin ultra soft is softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. enjoy the go! with charmin! [georgia] three years ago, my hubut then, i saw him. 19. i'm out here looking for someone. he's in kisima. what are you thinking about? my daughter. she died. i need answers.
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we get into it. you toy with the problems of the universe. you're a deep guy. everybody knows i'm a pretty deep guy. in fact, i often ask myself big questions like, "why am i here?" "what does this all mean?" "how many hemsworth brothers are there?" sometimes i need to express these thoughts, thoughts that can only be understood by another very deep a-list celebrity. it's time for: "big questions with even bigger stars." ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow. the stars are so beautiful, but so far away. >> some stars are closer than
you think, stephen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, matthew mcconaughey! >> hey, hey, stephen colbert! >> stephen: you like to come up here and be profound, too? >> ah, absolutely. it's one of my top 37 places to be masculine, yet poetic. hey, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, matthew? >> where do you think we go when we die? >> stephen: us? celebrity heaven. ( laughter ) it's like regular heaven, but there's gift baskets. ( laughter ) hey, matt? >> yeah, steve? >> stephen: do you think god cares who wins the super bowl? >> no. and if he did, then the saints would have won. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that ref is going to hell.
( laughter ) >> check out george jetson. >> stephen: oh, beautiful. hey, mr. mcconaughey? >> what's up, dr. colbert? >> stephen: do you think time is subjective? >> like, for example, do i think i get older, but high school girls stay the same age? ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. >> nah, sounds creepy. >> stephen: hey, matty mc-c.? >> yo, stevie col-b.? >> stephen: how do we know if we've made the right choices in life? >> that's a good one. you know, i say human potential is like an empty road at night. you don't know if you're on the right path until you drive down it a bit. >> stephen: that's deep. >> it's actually a line from my next lincoln commercial. ( laughter )
( applause ) what were we talking about again? >> stephen: i have no idea. >> hey, steve-arino? >> stephen: yeah, this-little- matt-of-mine? >> what do you want your last words to be? >> stephen: "i bet i can eat all that spaghetti." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> hey, s.c.t.v.? >> stephen: yes, m&m's? >> if you could tell people from 100 years ago one fact, one fact about the modern world, what would it be? >> stephen: i think i'd tell them that in the future, there will be machines that dispense money on every corner. and they should call them "a.t.m.s" not "a.t.m.-machines." the "m" already stands for "machine." ( laughter ) you don't need to say it.
( applause ) >> good point. >> stephen: hey, matter-of-fact? >> yeah, steve-of-destruction? >> stephen: what's your personal mantra? >> oh, j.k.l. that stands for "just keep living." what's yours? >> stephen: j.k.s. >> what's that stand for? >> stephen: j.k. simmons. ( laughter ) >> huh, words to live by. hey, steve-asaurus? >> stephen: yeah, matt-stodon? >> what do you... want to be remembered for? >> stephen: oh, that's easy. i want to be remembered as the guy who says, "all right, all right, all right." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> that's cool. but i'm the guy who says, "all right, all right, all right." ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: not if my obituary comes out first. ( laughter ) >> hey, stephen cold-beer? >> stephen: yeah, st. matthew's passion? >> what do you think the future holds, man? >> stephen: that's hard to say. it's a big question. >> mm, it sure is. >> stephen: but, i'm guessing about five or six commercials, then an interview with matthew mcconaughey. >> all right, all right, all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with matthew mcconaughey. ( cheers and applause ) oh, right there! ( band playing ) it's taking over.♪ ♪there's no escape... ♪...you better get moving. ready or not♪ ♪...it's about to go down here it comes now♪ ♪...get ready (oh oh oh oh), get ready♪
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! great, great songs tonight. great songs tonight! hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. my first guest is a smooth- talkin', lincoln- drivin', oscar-winnin' actor you know from "dazed and confused," "magic mike," and "dallas buyers club." his new film is called, "serenity." >> mr. dill. please, just decide to catch the fish. don't kill that man. >> what? >> i really shouldn't drink. i can't say anymore. i have to go. >> who the ( bleep ) are you? you're going to tell me what you know about tomorrow, and if you don't, you're not going to see it. >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," matthew mcconaughey! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ if you ever cha about leavin', leavin' me behind
♪ bring it to me bring your sweet lovin' ♪ bring it on home to me yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> yes, sir. >> stephen: please. no, no, please. so nice to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: there are a lot of things i like about you, matthew mcconaughey, but one of the things i like the most about you-- and this is what makes a star, in my opinion-- is thate . some people are like, "i wonder what that guy is like?" and you meet them and you're like, "that is nothing like what i thought." we know matthew mcconaughey. and if you want that matthew mcconaughey feeling, you go to the source, matthew mcconaughey. you are the national reserve of mcconaughey. ( laughter )
we all need that feeling every so often. how have you been? >> i've been pretty mcconaughey, man. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the mcconaughey levels are high? >> life has been good. i'm very well. we just got finished working over in london, got back to austin, texas, to our home, two days before christmas, moved into the house we have been renovating. >> stephen: that's nice. >> stayed there with the family, kept it tight, and here we are starting off the new year. >> stephen: this film, "serenity," you shot it in-- >> mauritius. >> stephen: i never-- where is mauritius? >> 1,500 miles off the eastern coast of south africa, 1,500 miles east of capetown in the indian ocean. >> stephen: that is in the middle of nowhere. >> nowhere. it kind of fits for why we shot there in the film. but yeah, it's hindu, it's creole, it's protestant, it's muslim. it was only inhabited 400 years ago, so it's quite a mystical place. >> stephen: what was there before people?, as far as i know. um, it's got a volcano in the middle of it. it's got a lot of sugar cane.
they make great rum in mauritius, sir. >> stephen: they do. we don't have any rum, i'm afraid tonight. >> but we do have things, other brown liquors. >> stephen: you brought me a gift tonight. this is-- what is this i'm about to pour into these glasses? >> this is a beautiful sip of bourbon called long branch. i worked on for two years with master distiller eddie russell of wild turkey, and one night after 88 samples over two years, i sipped this, and i said "that's the best bourbon on the planet." and this is what we have. >> stephen: here you go. ( cheers ) >> salud. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's lovely. that's lovely. yeah. >> that is lovely. >> stephen: yeah. i'm in the middle of a dry pretend that this is a rerun >> we're ha er >> stephen: that's delicious. >> thank you. >> stephen: now, you are-- and, i mean, it's not important.
you're an actor. everybody does this every so often. you are buck naked in this movie. >> that's what i keep hearing! ( laughter ) and i say-- i'm going to the premiere tonight, and i have to see if there's a new edit or a new cut of this film that i haven't seen. i know there was topless. and i got people coming up going, "it's great to see you full frontal." and i'm like, "what?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: will that be the first time you find out whether you're cut? ( laughter ) >> you know what i mean? speaking of bourbons, and you and i love them, it will be the fimeoc lonnch. ( ughter )en: th'temember- - they don't know savage cock. >> they don't know savage cock? this has context >> stephen: that's my bourbon. >> that's his bourbon. >> stephen: my bourbon is savage cock. his is longbranch. >> did i go too deep? >> stephen: nope! just deep enough. you went longbranch, is what you went. but i have to tell you-- i have to tell you-- the reason i asked, is because one of my producers, one of my researchers
actually saw the film and said, "no, no, no, there's a-- you can see." >> that's what i'm told! >> stephen: exactly, and i'm here to tell you, if you're not nude, you should have that checked out because you got something-- ( laughter ) something's wrong. but you are. that's you, right? >> yeah, that's me. >> stephen: here's one shot we can show on cbs. this is you jumping off a cliff buck-ass naked there. >> no, i'm pretty sure i have got a nude-colored thing that's keeping bits from dangling-- you don't want to be jumping into the water with things that are not-- >> stephen: i don't think so. i see crack right now. ( laughter ) >> the crack is fine. >> stephen: i see the liberty bell right there. e a co cey!) >> stephen: here's the thing, this looks dangerous, man, even just-- how high is this cliff? feet. >> stephen: oh, 60 feet. just a six-story building. were you-- did you do this jump yourself? >> i did do that jump once. >> stephen: do-- that looks painful.
>> well, it is kind of painful. there are a few tricks you have to learn. one is definitely have whatever- - if you do have dangly bits, have them very secure. ( laughter ) so i'm telling you, i'm not just flapping in the wind in that shot. ( laughter ) because i would be injured right now if i was. the other one-- the other thing you need to do is just when you think, okay, the rest of my entire body is straight up and down. >> stephen: sure, sure, yeah. >> you don't want to put your palms out like that. pop, break your hands. the other thing is once you go under, as soon as your head is under water, you have to kick your legs up so you swoop up. you don't want to go straight to the bottom and burst your eardrums. >> stephen: wow. here's another thing i heard you should do: have a stuntman. ( laughter ) that's another trick. you never heard of that one? you, you, growing up in texas with some brothers, did you-- ( applause ) >> hey-hey. >> stephen: did you-- did you do crazy stuff like this as a kid?
did you-- did you do this kind of dangerous stuff that you like didn't want to tell your parents about? >> yeah, but actually, my parents were pretty much, like, if it had to do with-- my parents were the ones that would go like, "go, jump it, do it." they were very much-- if it was anything that had to do with natural products they would be like, "go for it." if it had to do with mother nature it was lie, go for it. they really liked us to test our, our mettle. so i have two older brothers, and we'd go-- there's a great river, spring-fed river in south texas and we'd go floating on it. and it would have cliffs like this and we'd jump off. >> stephen: sure. are you going to tell your children that you did this? >> they know i did that. >> stephen: they do. >> they were-- >> stephen: my wife has told me not to tell my children the th ti did was aenagecausejumpef bridges. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: we jumped off, like, channel towers and stuff like that and you were not to tell them you did that. >> you have got tell them a little bit of that. >> stephen: i told them anyway. >> yeah! ( laughter ) she wasn't there? >> stephen: exactly. i've actually said to my sons, "go get in trouble.
do something." >> "you're not taking enough risks." >> stephen: exactly. >> you're a colbert. >> stephen: we don't take you to the hospital enough. ( laughter ) >> come on! >> stephen: what scars are you going to show? >> need a little chaos. little chaos, you have life in too much order. shake it up for me. >> stephen: we have to take a break. but don't go around, we'll be right back with more matthew mcconaughey. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) [man] seemed like you had a good time. [woman] i had a really good time. [man] i got a great shot of you. [woman] awww... [woman] aw look, there's alejandro. [man] who's alejandro? [woman] alejandro from work. [woman] i told you about him. [woman] he's so funny. [woman laughs] [man] that's better. [woman] hm? [man] hm? [woman] what? [man] nothing. [man and woman laughing]
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> signed it. >> stephen: signed, wow. hey, everybody, welcome back. we're here with our friend matthew mcconaughey. matthew. >> yes. >> stephen: let me ask you a question. you also have a job now as-- i don't know what to describe you- - for the longhorns, right? >> well, it's for the arena. minister of culture. >> stephen: for the university of texas. >> yes. >> stephen: what is the minister of culture? >> thank you for asking. ( laughter ) minister of culture, m.o.c. >> stephen: that sounds very highfalutin. >> looking for some s.r.o. >> stephen: what's s.r.o.? >> standing room only. that's what i'm looking for in our arena for our men's and women's basketball. >> stephen: oh, you're trying to pump up the enthusiasm? >> not pump up the enthusiasm. we're building an arena down there. myself and oakview and live nation. we've partnered with the university of texas. >> stephen: to build the arena? >> to build a brand-new arena that does not exist, where the men's and women's basketball teams for the university of texas will play.
and we'll also host some of the greatest bands in the world there in austin. so, really, my goal, my purpose as the minister of culture is to have that arena be the last place any visiting basketball team wants to play, and the first place that any world-class large band act does want to play. and that goes through engineering, the core design, and ergonomics of the entire joint. >> stephen: we have a clip here of you on the floor with players at a u.t. basketball game. >> u.t. versus oklahoma. >> stephen: what are you saying to these people? first of all, that suit. >> how do you like that suit? >> stephen: that's extraordinary. >> custom cut. >> stephen: of course. ( laughter ) >> you see the colors, three- piece. >> stephen: sure, fantastic. not a lot of places you can wear that. >> ooooho-ho, but you can. >> stephen: maybe at a party in key west. very few places. >> it's very, very sharp. >> stephen: so what are you yelling at those guys? >> we can beep some of this out, right? >> stephen: sure. >> so, i believe what i'm saying
there is, "come on, guys. let's get this ( bleep ) thing going." it was a very tight game. the crowd was getting into it. and i saw a couple of people on the bench, they were sitting down. i was like, "let's get the ( bleep ) thing going, man. get everybody up." and we actually ended up winning by three, 75-72. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so that was your-- that was the minister of culture's state of the union speech-- >> it most-- >> stephen: "get this ( bleep ) thing going." that i would watch. >> you like that state of the union speech? >> stephen: that's short. all the way up to the podium. >> okay, just that. >> stephen: and out. boom. >> standing ovation. hey, america, let's get this ( bleep ) thing going, eh? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: 2020. >> let's get it going. >> stephen: mcconaughey, 2020 right there. i know-- i know that you always go by matthew, but do your brothers call you matt? did they have a nickname? >> they don't call me matt. no one ever called me matt. mom would not allow that. but they did have other
nicknames. you have brothers? >> stephen: i've got seven brothers. >> seven? >> stephen: yeah. >> jeez, okay. i've got two older. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's not a contest. but i'm winning. ( laughter ) >> you're way up. okay. but my brother, i don't know-- this term i don't think it's used as much anymore. do you remember the term "job." not for like, work, occupation, but, like, for number two? i have to go do a job. do you have to go number one or number two? do you have to pee or do a job? is that a generational thing? >> stephen: i think that's a texas thing. >> no, it's more than a texas thing. it's more than a texas thing. >> stephen: i'm not familiar. >> "i gotta do the job." >> stephen: i know i have to see a man about a mule. >> man about a mule. so, anyway, "i have to do a job," it was a pseudonym for number two. my brother would always call me, "hey, job." and i would get mad at him, but he was my older brother and my hero and i'd be at the other end of the house and i'd hear, he'd go, "matthew, matthew!"
call me by my real name. "come here! you have to see this!" one, i'm happy he's calling me by my first name. i'd run all the way to the end of the house and show up and he'd be standing there in the bathroom over the toilet and he'd go, "look at that." and i'd look in there. and he had just done his number two. and he'd reach over and flush it and go, "there you go." ( laughter ) >> stephen: matthew, on that high note, "serenity" is in theaters this friday. matthew mcconaughey, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by better oblivion community center. ( cheers and applause ) was ahead of its time.
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♪ ♪ ♪ it was quite early one morning it hit me without warning ♪ i went to hear the general speak ♪ i was standing for the anthem banners all around him ♪ confetti made it hard to see put my footsteps on the pavement ♪ starved for entertainment four seasons, a revolving door ♪ so sick of being honest i'll die like dylan thomas ♪ a seizure on the barroom floor ♪ i'm getting greedy with this private hell ♪ i'll go it alone but that's just as well ♪ these cats are
scared and feral ♪ with flag pins on their lapels the truth is anybody's guess ♪ these talking heads are saying the king is only playing ♪ a game of four dimensional chess ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ there's flowers in the rubble the weeds are gonna tumble ♪ i'm lucid but i still can't think ♪ i'm strapped into a corset climbed in to your corvette ♪ i'm thirsty for another drink ♪ if it's advertised i'll try it and buy some peace and quiet ♪ and shut up at the silent retreat ♪ they say you got to fake it at least until you make it ♪ that ghost is just a kid in a sheet
♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ i been feeling it since 1966, now ♪ ♪ might be over now, but i feel it still ♪ ♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ let me kick it like it's 1986, now ♪ ♪ might be over now, but i feel it still ♪ ♪ might've had your fill, but you feel it still, ooh woo ♪
>> stephen: stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside a leotard, give it up for your