tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 4, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PST
captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> are you physically attracted to flags? ( laughter ) just can't keep your hands off? then call today. 1-555-hot-filf. where the naughtiest flags are waiting to talk to you. no matter what you're into. old glories, young glories, or just imagine this big 'ol gal waving from your pole. so for a grand old time, call today, and star spangle your nnhtong. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert.
tonight red, white and blue. stephen welcomes julianne moore, thomas lennon and musical guest bebe rexha, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: beautiful! beautiful! thank you! please, have a seat, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) whoo! thank you very much! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. it's good to be back. i miss these good penal. i miss you all. we've been off.
trum week so great becau oooh, oooh, the news cycle road him hard and put him away wet. ugly. ( laughter ) here's the thing: i kind of unplugged from the news cycle, then i kind of like take little sips a couple of days before i come back in just to reacclimate myself, couple sips of poison so it doesn't kill you on the day back. and the first indication i had that the orange man was feeling blue was the historically-long and epically-weird speech he gave saturday at the conservative political action conference or d-bag. ( laughter ) is that what it is? it's an acronym for that.
( applause ) the crazy began before trump even started talking. ♪ i gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today ♪ ( cheers and applause ) he is dry humping old glory! that's the first time a flag has ever volunteered to be burned. just full kevorkian, just put me out of my -- ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) it went over big in the room. except with don junior, who shouted, "i hate the new baby!" ( laughter ) then trump began speaking, and speaking, and speaking. he talked for two hours and two minutes, making it the longest presidential oration in american history. which is impressive because some of obama's pauses lasted an hour.
the president explained why it was so easy for him to keep talking. >> i'm in love and you're in love. we're all in love together. there's so much love in this room. it's easy to talk. you can talk your heart out. you really-- there's love in this room. ( cheers and applause ) you can talk your heart out. it's easy. >> stephen: (as trump) "it's so easy. this room is full of so much love. in fact, clothes off everybody. this is happening." ( laughter ) ( applause ) no? ( piano riff ) then trump attacked the mueller investigation. now, if there are any children watching, please warn them that the president is about to speak. >> this phony thing that now looks like it's dying so they don't have anything with russia. these people are sick. all of a sudden, they're trying to take you out with bull ( bleep ). okay? with bull ( bleep ).
>> stephen: very presidential. i'm reminded of abraham lincoln's famous declaration: "hey, robert e. lee! ( bleep ) you!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: i don't remember that part! >> stephen: it's toward the end. ( laughter ) it's toward the end of the gettysburg address. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: trump also tried to explain away his 2016 live, on-camera plea for russia to hack hillary's emails. he was just kidding. >> if you tell a joke, if you're sarcastic, if you say something like, "russia please if you can get us hillary clinton's e-mails. please. russia. please. please get us the emails. please!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i thought i had a bad trump impression. ( laughter ) you don't sound like you at all. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: never sounded like
that. >> stephen: what is this? what is this? sir, you got to get the hands. he explained his joke was just too hip for the room. >> so everybody's having a good time, i'm laughing, we're all having fun. and then that fake cnn and others say, "he asked russia to go get the emails. horrible." >> stephen: you weren't joking ( laughter ) you were even asked about it. >> do you have any qualms about asking a foreign government, russia, china, anybody, to interfere, to hack into a system of anybody's in this country? >> you said "i welcome them to find those 30,000 emails. >> well, they probably have them. i'd like to have them released. >> does that not give you pause? >> no. no pause. if they have them they have them. if russia, or china, or any other country has those emails, i mean to be honest with you, i'd love to see 'em. >> stephen: now, that's pretty damning video. that's why it's part of the new collection: "donald trump's campaign bloopers and practical treason."
( laughter ) pl kids love it. >> jon: great video. great stuff. >> stephen: trump also did something presidents rarely do -- spontaneous product placement. >> i heard you made an incredible speech and statement today. mark levin. i heard it was incredible. and i was on the way. but i'll see it later. i guarantee i'll be watching it later. i have one of the great inventions in history. it's called tivo. ( laughter ) i think it's actually better than television, because television is practically useless without tivo, right? >> stephen: tivo has been around for 20 years! ( laughter ) i know, because i've still got 30 unwatched episodes of "n.y.p.d. blue." ( laughter ) boy, i hope sipowicz is okay!he democrats pushing for the green new deal plan. >> this is the craziest plan and yet i see senators that are
there for 20 years, white hair -- see i don't have white hair. >> stephen: you don't have human hair. what are you talking about? come on! ( laughter ) today brought the president a new reason to freak out, when. house judiciary chairman jerry nadler announced a sweeping investigation into president donald trump's campaign businesses, transition, and administration. campaign, businesses, transition, and administration. so they've narrowed the problem to things he's done. ( laughter ) and the house democrats aren't messing around. they've sent document requests to 81 people and entities, including the trump campaign, the trump foundation, the trump organization, the trump transition, and something called
the donald j. trump revocable trust. well, i think it's safe to say: trust revoked. ( laughter ) trump's bad week really got into gear with the house oversight committee's hearing for former trump lawyer and kid being told by his parents that the divorce is his fault, michael cohen. ( laughter ) >> jon: wow. really sad. >> stephen: he's sad. he's very sad. he's so sad. cohen testified that not only did trump reimburse him for the stormy daniels pay-off while in office, he brought a copy of the check. take a look: from donald trump, to michael cohen, totaling $35,000, from capital one bank. which makes sense, because their slogan is "capital one: what's in your wallet?" "oh, damning evidence of campaign finance fraud? yikes." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) etteit's true.
so not only was cohen responsible for transferring the money to stormy, he was also the in-family messenger: >> he asked me to pay off an adult film star with whom he had an affair and lie to his wife about it, which i did. i lied to the first lady. when the president called me, i was sitting in a car with a friend of mine and he had me speak to her and explain to the first lady. >> stephen: that's always the sign of a healthy relationship. ( as trump ) "babe, i never cheated on you. now, i'd prefer if any further questions about my affection and loyalty go to my lawyer, who has prepared a signed affidavit attesting that i love you." ( laughter ) the democrats pushed cohen to reveal as much as he could. representative ocasio-cortez asked him who might know about the alleged secret trove of trump documents owned by "the national enquirer."
>> so you would say the person who knows the whereabouts of these documents would be david pecker? >> david pecker, barry levine or dylan howard. >> who else knows that the president did this? >> alan weisselberg, ron lieberman, and matthew calamari. >> stephen: "sir, i'm running out of time, so if you could please implicate as many new people as possible and please save the silliest name for the very end. something borderline anti-italian, like betty spaghetti or luigi casseroli, or matthew calamari." ( laughter ) on the other side of the aisle, republicans didn't even bother asking cohen a single substantive question. instead, they just called him a liar. >> the first announced witness for the 116th congress is a guy going to prison in two months for lying to congress. >> i don't know a juror in america that would believe anything mr. cohen says given his past actions and lies. >> that's why it's important for you to look up here, and look at
the old adage our moms taught us. liar, liar, pants on fire. >> stephen: you learned "liar, liar, pants on fire" from your mom? ( laughter ) "honey, if you're ever in an argument with somebody, remember to take the high road and call them a big dumb doody-face." ( laughter ) saying we shouldn't believe cohen because he lied in the past isn't a good argument. that's why trump hired him in the first place, to lie about his affairs and crimes. he wanted a dirtbag lawyer, he he wanted a dirtbag lawyer, he didn't want atticus finch! ( as atticus ) "ladies and gentlemen, this porn star has not produced one iota of evidence that the affair donald trump is charged with ever took place. so i'm warning you, tread very ( bleep ) lightly, because what i'm going to do to you is going to be ( bleep ) disgusting.
you understand me? in the name of god, do your duty and take this check for $130,000 and shut your mouth, sir! ( cheers and applause ) of course, trump fired back against the testimony on twitter. "virtually everything failed lawyer michael cohen said in his sworn testimony last week is totally contradicted in his just released manuscript for a book about me. it's a total new love letter to 'trump'." ( laughter ) wait, why did he put "trump" in quotes? does he not know that's him? "i'm really worried about this 'trump' guy.
he's done a lot of bad stuff no, really. i've tried talking to him every morning in the mirror, but he keeps interrupting me. i don't think he's right in the head." ( laughter ) but cohen's book probably doesn't even exist. turns out, cohen wrote a brief proposal last year for a book tentatively titled, "trump revolution: from the tower to the white house understanding donald j. trump." "chapter one: you can't." ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. julianne moore is here. ( cheers and applause ) but when we return, i'll be right here doing more monologue. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) when you find yourself in a strange land... discover your inner hero.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) jon batiste and "stay human" right there! welcome back! very excited. still over here. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: please sit down, everybody! thank you very much! still over here right now because there was too much monologue to fit in the first segment. julianne moore is here tonight. ( cheers and applause ) of course, eventually, the trump presidency will end. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) people cheering for democracy out there. and democrats are lining up for a chance to replace him. i'll tell you all about the
latest contenders in tonight's "doin' it donkey-style." ( laughter ) here are all the democrats "the new york times" says are either running or might run. >> jon: wow. whoo! cory smells fantastic. amazing. smells like freedom. ( laughter ) this is everybody the "new york times" says are running or thinking about running. that's almost as many contestants as they have on "the bachelor." ( laughter ) and like "the bachelor," not everyone is here for the right reason. we just had three more democrats formally announce. washington governor jay inslee, former colorado governor, john hickenlooper, and former new mexico governor steve pachinko. one of those guys is made up. the current frontrunner is vermont senator and man who would have gotten you healthcare if it wasn't for those meddling kids, bernie sanders. this weekend, sanders held two big rallies. on saturday, he was in brooklyn
and, unlike the last time he ran, bernie made the rally personal. >> i know where i came from! ( cheers and applause ) and that is something i will never forget. >> stephen: (as bernie) "however, i have forgotten where i put my keys. can everyone just take a minute, and check under their chair? i am locked out of my house and it is very cold." he went on: >> i did not have a father who gave me millions of dollars to build luxury skyscrapers, casinos, and country clubs. i did not come from a family that gave me a $200,000 allowance every year beginninga. ( cheering ) as i recall, my allowance was 25 cents a week.
>> stephen: if you're trying to get elected as the oldest president ever, maybe don't talk about what your allowance was in the 1940s. ( as bernie ) "in my day, we got 25 cents for allowance, and we didn't have your fancy subways with the electric engines. we had to stick our legs out of the subway car, and flintstone it. doodily-doodily-doo. laugh ( applause ) no, listen! 25 cents would get you into yankee stadium to see abner doubleday and honus wagner play a game of rounders. then we had enough left over for rent, and see that new hit movie, 'train entering a station'." ( laughter ) but massachusetts senator elizabeth warren is fighting back on the campaign trail using her new secret weapon, the golden retriever she got in july, bailey. ( audience reacts ) "who makes elizabeth warren seem relatable? you almost do! yes, you almost do! " in fact, according to politico,
bailey has quickly emerged as the senator's top surrogate. he's got a lot in common with senator warren. it makes sense. his papers say golden retriever, but he told his vet that he's 1/16 apachedoodle. ( laughter ) bailey is so popular that at a campaign stop in new hampshire supporters began chanting: "bailey! bailey!" which is cute, although it doesn't bode well for 2020 if warren's supporters are enthusiastic about a big dumb animal with golden hair. we'll be right back with julianne moore. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) our first house, sweetie? yeah, i thought doing some hibachi grilling would help take
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oh, ladies and gentlemen. very exciting tonight. look who's over there. ( cheers and applause ) folks, you're in luck! folks, my first guest is an academy award winning actress you know from "the kids are alright," "the hours," and "still alice." >> how could you be so rude. what? i was introducing you to my family, i brought you to my son's birthday party and you had the serve to -- >> you would have done the same thing. >> really? i searched for your eyes again and again. i didn't exist. we were in love. how many times did he have to say that? it made me sick! i threw up! i don't know how you could do something like that to me. and the girlsd, so --
>> grow a pair.ee a) ( cheers and applause ) >> hi! >> stephen: that's very nice. ( cheering ) >> thank you! >> stephen: isn't that pleasant? >> yeah, that was really nice. thank you. >> stephen: how have you been? well, thanks. how are you? >> stephen: well. putting the new snorkel back on and getting back into the daily fifth of it. >> it's all good. >> stephen: i'll be fine. we just saw you and your co-star
john toturo. an amazing performer. i assumed you both worked together because you were both in the big l lebowski. >> was it jesus he paid? >> stephen: the jesus. we never did intersect. we're in the same movies. i adore him. he's awesome. >> stephen: i would not want you to look at me as a man and tell me to grow a pair. ( laughter ) it was absolutely chilling. >> we have more fun in this movie. we dance a lot and john is an actual salsa dancer. >> stephen: that's one of the things i understand is your character in this movie finds happiness on the dance floor. >> that's right. >> stephen: were you a trained dancer yourself? >> i don't dance. i'm the dancer in the grocery store dancer because that's really embarrassing. >> stephen: you dance in front
of your children in the grocery store? >> just like -- and they're, like, stop it, mom! stop it! stop it! >> stephen: do you enjoy embarrassing your children? >> yeah, of course. >> stephen: i do, too! yeah, sure. i think it's important as a performer to keep the embarrassment going. >> keep that spark alive. that's what you're doing. >> stephen: you have to do embarrassing things in public so that you can do anything on camera or on stage. >> that is correct and that's what i say to them. i'm just rehearsing for my life on stage. >> stephen: right. i do this thing, i haven't done it in a while to my kids, but i pretend like i'm a squirrel walk across the street and the squirrel is pooping while crossing the street. >> do you make yourself small? >> stephen: no, you just have to crouch like this and walk like that. >> that's good, that's good! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, yeah! >> stephen: healthy for them.
that's right. and as long as you're making a shape while you're doing it, an aggressive shape. >> stephen: mm-hmm. as a man, i wouldn't want you to tell me to grow a pair because you actually make a very good man. >> thank you. >> stephen: was this on instagram or twitter? >> no, instagram. >> stephen: on instagram, you put this up. that's you right there with a message, yes, it's me -- i can't get over -- can you put that back up -- i can't get over how much you look like benedict cumberbatch there! >> who knew that's who i was as a man! i thought so, it! sd it! tephenthis was just for fun? >> it was messing around on snapchat. look at me! that looks good! i'll put that on instagram. >> stephen: is that a filter?
yes. that's the way i communicate with me children on snapchat. so when i'm not dancing in the grocery store, i'm sending them filtered images on snapchat. hi, it's mom! >> stephen: did you have to take dance lessons for this movie? >> yeah, because i'm not a natural dancer. i don't know salsa, so i had a dance teacher come over and john would come over and we would do a little disco and salsa. >> stephen: is he good? he's a great dancer and he loves to dance, too. >> stephen: so what is salsa? i had co cotillion as a why wou. >> no. >> stephen: you can't? i can't. ( cheering ) i don't remember. >> stephen: fit doesn't work, we'll cut it out. >> no, i don't think i do! ( cheering ) i don't think i remember! >> stephen: what do i do?
( salsa music playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) you can salsa! i am so stiff. salsa people are always, like, no, move a little bit more. i'm always, like, yeee! >> stephen: i have the hips for salsa. >> yes. >> stephen: i have child bearing hips. thank you very much. >> you said it, i didn't. >> stephen: i know. your next film is after the wedding. >> yeah. >> stephen: with your lovely husband bart. >> he wrote and directed it.
>> stephen: and your daughter is working on it as well? >> she was a p.a. with us last summer. there i am relaxing with my husband and beautiful daughter. >> stephen: is it nice to have a family affair? >> you never get a minute. he's, like, i got eyes on gunnel. she's ten'1'. i said, don't tell them i'm going to the bathroom, i have to mom, it's my job. >> stephen: so she's embarrassing you. >> give me one minute. >> stephen: in 2015 you founded teff ritown creative council that advocates for gun safety. there was actually gun regulation passed. >> the background checks ( cheers and applause ) does that give you some --
>> yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: as long as you try to do something, does that give you hope? >> the majority of americans are for common sense a gift measures, the majority of our population. so we've installed if congress because of republicans, obviously. this just passed to the house, will go to the senate, and obviously there will be difficulty in the senate, but i think certainly the work people have been doing in the last four years, what moms demand has done where they show up -- ( applause ) -- yeah, if you know what moms demand action is, they're an incredible organization of volunteers who show up and lobby for common sense gun safety measures. so i feel heartn't by it. so many people are vocal about f we can't keep ourselves and children safe, we're not responsible citizens unless we do something about this and i think a lot of people are.
so -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "gloria bell" is in theaters this friday. julianne moore, everybody! we'll be right back with thomas lennon. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) oh! ♪ ozempic®! ♪ (announcer) people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of once-weekly ozempic®. in a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than seven and maintained it. oh! under seven? and you may lose weight. in the same one-year study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. oh! up to 12 pounds? a two-year study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. oh! no increased risk? ♪ oh, oh, oh, ozempic®! ♪ ozempic® should not be the first medicine for treating diabetes, or for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. do not share needles or pens. don't reuse needles. do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or family history of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2,
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and the writer of the "night at the museum" movies. his first novel comes out tomorrow. please welcome, thomas lennon! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: please, no! don't get up for me! you're the guest, sit! good to see you. >> good to see you, sir. >> stephen: you're is writer of the "night at the museum." >> couple of them. >> stephen: you've written or been a script doctor. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: what is a script doctor? >> sometimes they'll start making a movie and they don't know it's already terrible. >> stephen: they're actually shooting it. >> they're shooting it, yes. >> stephen: going this is not good. >> this is not working. sometimes my partner that i write films with ben grant, there was a martin lawrence movie erng a rewrite
for called "rebound," thank you -- ( applause ) -- thank you. >> stephen: yep. and because they were already shooting, they said, just don't change any of the exterior scene headings. so just leave it like exterior gym, interior gym and then change anything else you want. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's how he won the oscar. the doctor came in and fixed everything! >> when you write the kind of films i write, you consider award seasons just ski season. >> stephen: some people say they write because they have to write. is it compulsive. >> absolutely. the shining -- >> stephen: sure, sure, hilarious script, the shining. >> one to have the funniest scripts you will ever seen. >> stephen: what's compulsive. i certainly has some ocds and knock on wood. i got hypnotized to stop
smoking. >> stephen: what do they do? it was a woman in vancouver. i went in, an hour and 45 minutes later, i don't know what she said, i have no recollection, but i literally walked out and never smoked a cigarette again. ( applause ) >> stephen: really? now, there's a slight chance i'm a sleeper cell, you know, i'm a vancouver candidate and one day i'll snap if you show me the queen of hearts, or something. >> stephen: i look forward to it. >> thanks. >> stephen: be a good movie. vancouverian candidate? >> stephen: yeah. ure. >> stephen: you have your first novel. >> i wrote a novel. >> stephen: what drove you to write a novel? >> i wanted to write a novel for a long time, but i had an idea i thought would sustain a novel. i'm a big douglas adams fan,
hitchhiker guide. it's a fantasy book. >> stephen: takes place in ireland, has leprechauns. >> it does. >> stephen: it's called "ronan boil and the bridge of riddles." what is it about? >> as a young intern -- i think we have a clip. s it is a book but we have a clip. >> stephen: what's that mean? it's a book. >> did mys send -- i don'ow w t clip but it's probably one of the more important scenes from the book. ( laughter ) i guess should we watch the clip and it will explain everything, maybe?
( singing ) >> did you hear whiskey ruins your short-term memory? >> who's maloney? i don't know! happy mardi gras! ( singing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: that was terrible. there's no way that's a scene in your look. >> it's not word for word what's actually in the book. >> stephen: i don't believe you. that's total nonsense. it's just two irish guys dressed like leprechauns singing making fart sounds and getting hit in the nuts. ( laughter ) i do not believe you. >> fine. i'm sure we have another clip that this one will make it make more sense.
>> stephen: that's out of context. >> this will make it make a little more sense. if you see this, it will explain that scene. i didn't get the julianne moore clip either. ( laughter ) it's out of context. so can we see this other -- do we have another clip? ( singing ) >> maloney, did you hear about the unicorn who was a knee lift? >> no. he was skeptical life had meaning. >> i don't ( singing ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: that was even
worse. you've helped write multiple blockbuster movies, right? >> that scene is, like, one of the pivotal scenes, like the second book is based on that scene that you just saw. i'm a little bit bummed because it feels like we've given away almost the whole plot of the book. >> stephen: what plot? your character doesn't seem to know he's even maloney. >> if we're going to do this, if we're just going to give everything away in spoilertown, is there any other clip from the book? maybe finally. >> stephen: was this the ending? what are we about to see? >> this could be -- i think this is basically the climax of ronan boyle and the bridge of riddles. >> maloney, i just realized -- i'm maloney! ( laughter )
( singing ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, i apologize. i apologize. >> thank you. >> stephen: that actually does make sense now, i understand the structure there. it's a lot of callbacks. >> i read a book called save the cat. i read it. it works. >> stephen: please come again. ( laughter ) i can't wait to see. >> maybe more clips. >> stephen: i hope so. absolutely. >> stephen: ronan boyle and the bridge of riddles is in stores tomorrow. back with a performance by bebe rexha! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪...you better get moving. ready or not♪ ♪...it's about to go down here it comes now♪ ♪...get ready (oh oh oh oh), get ready♪
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♪ just sayin', yeah farewell tequila ♪ so long margarita and lady sativa ♪ i hate to leave ya don't want the pressure ♪ i don't need a lecture no, thank you ♪ honey, god bless ya i know i've ♪ said it all before but it won't hurt ♪ to do it all once more this is my last hurrah ♪ once i start i ain't gon' stop ♪ 'til i go too far last hurrah and it's okay ♪ maybe tomorrow i won't feel this pain ♪ last hurrah last hurrah ♪ i'm done with the heartache i'm done with the demons ♪ can't wait to be normal right after this weekend ♪ i'm done with the drama i'm fixing my karma ♪ one more night up your nirvana ♪ i know i've
said it all before ♪ but it won't hurt to do it all once more ♪ this is my last hurrah once i start ♪ i ain't gon' stop 'til i go too far ♪ last hurrah and it's okay maybe tomorrow ♪ i won't feel this pain last hurrah ♪ last hurrah maybe i'll never change ♪ but i'm still glad i came try again another day ♪ but for now this is my last hurrah ♪ once i start i ain't gon' stop ♪ 'til i go too far last hurrah and it's okay ♪ maybe tomorrow i won't feel this pain ♪ last hurrah last hurrah ♪
late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kit harington, amber tamblyn, and musical guest, hozier. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> i have no southern accent. this is alabama 1933. ( laughter ) why don't i have a southern accent? ( bleep ). damn it! ( laughter ) >> so i'm going to be signing a national emergency. >> california source of romaine lettuce. >> the government is in chaos. >> sea levels have risen about nine inches. >> 35 confirmed cases