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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 8, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump tweeting about the border first thing this morning. here it is: "the wall is being built and is well under construction. big impact will be made. many additional contracts are close to being signed. far ahead of schedule despite all the democrat obstruction and fake news!" >> walls work. walls work. walls work. walls work. walls work. they do work. >> and now a rebuttal: ♪ oh yeah! here comes kool-aid ♪ here comes kool-aid >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight attention: deficit
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disorder. plus, stephen welcomes cory booker matt ingebretson. jake weisman featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: happy friday. happy friday. happy friday! welcome. thank you, citizens. welcome, one and all, in here, out there, all around the world, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. first of all,-- ( cheers and applause ) you know what that is, jon? >> jon: yes. >> stephen: you know what that is? >> jon: what's that? what's that? >> stephen: that's a friday audience right there.
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that's the real deal. that's the real deal. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: yeah. how are you? happy friday, everybody. on friday, i like to take a step back and get some perspective. you know, because sometimes we get so caught up with all the investigations into donald trump, we forget to notice what a bad job he's doing, because when you look at the trump presidency-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you. because when you look at the trump presidency-- in a mirror, like the medusa-- he hasn't really accomplished much. take his signature issue: racism. i'm sorry, i mispronounced that. i'm sorry, immigration. he promised to reduce illegal immigration, and yet, in the last several months, unauthorized border crossings have spiked to the highest pace
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in 12 years. of course they're rushing in now. america is in it's final season, everyone wants to be a guest star. trump tried-- ( applause ) all the best. all best. trump tried to claim that the surge in border crossings is both a victory and a disaster, tweeting: "'wall street journal': 'more migrant families crossing into the u.s. illegally have been arrested in the first five months of the federal fiscal year than in any prior full year.' we are doing a great job at the border, but this is a national emergency!" okay. you're either doing a great job keeping people out, or border crossing is a national emergency. you can't have it both ways. "mr. johnson, sit down. the test came back, and they're all positive. your tumor is doing great!" ( applause ) trump is also-- trump's also not
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doing well on his second biggest issue: china. last year, he started a trade war with china, declaring "i am a tariff man." ♪ come mr. tariff man tariff me bananas ♪ daylight come and me wanna play golf ♪ ( cheers and applause ) experts said the tariffs would explode the trade deficit, but trump promised the tariffs would actually bring down the trade deficit. and, surprise! this week, the commerce department said that the nation's trade deficit is at a record high, in part due to punitive tariffs trump imposed. this is what you get when you elect a guy whose central philosophy is that big numbers are good. (as trump): "look at that huge deficit. almost as impressive as my giant, beautiful cholesterol." ( laughter )
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( applause ) "my heart-- my heart pumps light, sweet crude." and it's not just trade. on tuesday, the treasury department announced the budget deficit hit $310 billion, a 77% increase over the previous year. ( audience booing ) i can't wait for his next state of the union. (as trump): "ask not what your country can do for you. ask this scratch-off if it can help. treasure chest... treasure chest... squid! damn. thanks, obama. but trump knows -- ( applause ) obama fans. obama fans. but trump knows nothing is as distracting as a good, old-fashioned distraction. that's why he recently proposed a whole new holiday. >> on the fourth of july, we are having, in washington, d.c., a
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great tribute to america. i hope you can all come. fourth of july. keep it open. the fourth of july. a salute to america. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, we're all going to be saluting america on... sorry, what was that date again? >> fourth of july. keep it open. >> stephen: right. fourth of july. keep it open. maybe take the day off, get out of the house, have a barbecue. ( cheers and applause ) something. (as trump): "i've decided washington is going to have a party on the fourth of july. there will be big parades with floats, using a new invention of mine: wheels." ( laughter ) but here's the thing, here's the thing-- washington, d.c., already hosts an annual concert and fireworks on the mall. so the only thing that's
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different is now we have to listen to you give a speech. it's like that cousin who stands up before christmas dinner and goes, "before we eat, i've written a short prayer. 'and lo, the levite amiziah. son of hilkiah, the descendant of ethan the merarite...' someone wake up gramma. she needs to hear this." ( laughter ) well, give me a second. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yes, fantastic! >> stephen: if trump wants to announce a brand-new, pre-existing holiday, two can play that game. tonight, i would like to officially announce a specia event we're going to have right here in times square, this december 31-- keep it open-- which i'm calling "a salute to time!"
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( cheers and applause ) yes! we're going to be celebrating! >> jon: i like that. >> stephen: we're going to be celebrating time. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: we're going to be celebrating time. maybe not in the day, maybe in the eve. we'll be doing it in the eve. i will be giving a speech. there'll be a ball-drop. we'll count up-- no, down!-- to midnight. and we will toast with something i'm calling "cold bubble wine." ( cheers and applause ) and we'll all shout, "happy time-observance!" ( cheers and applause ) of course, on my new holiday, the president will probably be down at mar-a-lago, surrounded by his closest family and paid members. ( laughter ) and when he's down there, he's always getting schmoozed by his golf pals. this week, it came out that one of trump's mar-a-lago buddies wrote him a policy pitch for the department of veterans affairs, to which trump responded, "affairs? i'm in.
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in fact, i'm a veteran." ( laughter ) ( applause ) but the proposal-- the proposal came from a man named albert hazzouri, who is a cosmetic dentist in scranton, pennsylvania. come on, scranton, why do you need cosmetic dentistry? you're beautiful the way you are. who are you trying to impress... harrisburg? the plan was to overhaul how the v.a. does dental care. and the scrawled little idea said in part: "let's set up a meeting with the american dental association and create an oversight committee. i can save your administration $250 million a year." the dentist also said that, if trump cooperates, afterwards he gets to take something from the prize chest. ( laughter ) and it gets weirder, because the note started with, "dear king." don't give him any ideas! ( laughter )
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(as trump): "ooh, king. also a very good policy proposal." now, obviously, the president isn't going to change v.a. policy based on some scrawled note from a yahoo dentist he met in the mara-lago steam room. and trump wrote, "send to david shulkin at the v.a." okay, okay, but that's probably just trump humoring a mar-a-lago buddy. i doubt he even saw the note. and it's stamped, "the president has seen." ( laughter ) that's a stamp he uses both for documents and to verify he spent quality time with eric and don jr. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now-- very handy. come here. unh! now, in case you thought the news needed more rich white- collar criminals, we've got an update about disgraced pharma c.e.o. and book you can judge by its cover-- ( audience booing )
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martin shkreli. you might remember shkreli for raising the price of life-saving drugs 5,000%. right now, he's serving a seven-year sentence for securities fraud. and it turns out he's even breaking the rules in jail, beause shkreli is steering his old company from prison with a contraband cellphone. he smuggled in a cellphone? but with that face, how could he tell which end to shove it into? ( cheers and applause ) evidently-- >> jon: whoa! whoa! >> stephen: there's a new campus controversy going on right now. rider university in new jersey recently surveyed students about what restaurant they'd like to see on campus. the fried chicken franchise chick-fil-a won handily. however, the school decided against the chain because of its opposition to the l.g.b.t. community. ( applause ) now, unlike-- yeah, they oppose-- they oppose gay marriage and gay rights, unlike the far more tolerant fried
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chicken chain: "chet and jerry's same-sex cluck bucket." delicious, delicious. finger-lickin' good. well, that did not sit well with one of the deans, who is a big fan of chick-fil-a. she says that when she heard the news, she felt "punched in the stomach." although, as a fan of chick-fil-a, she should be used to feeling punched in the stomach. it's delicious, just not an everyday food. the dean was so upset that she decided to resign explaining: "i am a committed follower of jesus christ. as such, i endeavor every day to do exactly what chick-fil-a puts forward." it may sound odd, but i git it. being a committed christian is a big part of my snack choices. it's why i'm religiously opposed to fruit-flavored candy. it's adam and eve, not mike and ike! ( laughter ) ( applause ) the dean understands-- thank you, thank you, fellow religious
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snackers. we've got a great show for you tonight. senator cory booker is here! but when we return, "meanwhile"! -guys, i want you to meet someone. this is jamie. you're going to be seeing a lot more of him now. -i'm not calling him "dad." -oh, n-no. -look, [sighs] i get it. some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, we're all in this together. right, champ? -i'm getting more nuggets. -how about some carrots? you don't want to ruin your dinner. -you're not my dad! -that's fair. overstepped. rewards me basicallyaptain everywhere i stay.bvious and so why am i stomping grapes with aerobics enthusiasts near this b&b?
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or doing goat yoga at this mountain resort? or treating a destination wedding to the sweet sound of pug bongos? because lets me do me. where my dogs at? oh, here they are. you do you and get rewarded. take it away henry. and stack the savings... with an extra 20% off! save on men's dress shirts - just $19.99... nike shoes for the family... and samsonite luggage. plus - take $10 off your $50 or more men's style event purchase... plus - get kohl's cash! right now... at kohl's.
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♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ let me kick it like it's 1986, now ♪ ♪ might be over now, but i feel it still ♪ ♪ might've had your fill, but you feel it still, ooh woo ♪ ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human right there. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) jon, we've got-- what was that? >> jon: yes. >> stephen: we've got-- have a seat, everybody. thank you so much. jon, we've got a great show
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tonight. first of all, happy friday, happy friday. >> jon: happy friday. friday is lit. >> stephen: one of the things that's going to help us get through thissed from right now is in a minute we're going to have senator cory booker out here. he's running for president. he's running for president. it's fun tow say that again after all these years that this guy is running for president, or this woman is running for president out here tonight. we're really in it now, and we're still two years away. yeah, pace yourself. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: stay hydrated. lots of lip balm. >> jon: definitely, absolutely. >> stephen: you don't want to get election chap. >> jon: my goodness, no, no. >> stephen: no. ( laughter ) i don't know what that means, but you don't want it. you know, breaking news is like breaking glass-- i get so focused on gathering up all the big chunks, and i think i'm done. but then i cut my foot and it gets worked in there and unfected. then, i got to get out the
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vacuum cleaner and suck up all the tiny little news shards i missed and sweep them into the garbage can that is my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile. meanwhile is the great-- it sustains this nation. meanwhile, goldman sachs announced this week that it will be implementing a new "flexible dress code." well, that's nice. it'll go with their flexible ethics code. meanwhile, some airline passengers got a surprise when they were diverted and the "air canada pilot ordered 23 pizzas for passengers stuck on the grounded plane." "uh, attention, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. one question for you: what do you want on your tombstone? pizza! tombstone pizza! ( laughter ) meanwhile, walmart has announced "it is eliminating its trademark greeters." oh, no! now how will i know that i have arrived at walmart? ( laughter )
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this is yet another blow to walmart's greeter program. they already just lost one of their best greeters when bernie sanders quit to apply for some other job. (as bernie): "welcome to walmart, with thousands of rollbacks on already low prices. though nothing like the corporate tax rollback passed by the republican congress, which i vow to overturn. household and pet supplies are in aisle two." ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, the "f.d.a. says it has found asbestos in makeup at claire's." it kind of shakes the trust i place in the organize that does unregulated ear punching on 12-year-olds at the mall. meanwhile, it's time for a rare "meanwhile" update. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) on tuesday, i brought you news of jeremy taylor and his dog, ally, who got stranded in the snow in his car for five days
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and somehow survived on nothing but taco bell sauce packets. well, it was all worth it, because "taco bell is rewarding him with a year of free food." ( cheers and applause ) so now he's definitely going to die. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( laughter ) meanwhile, we're just a few days into the 2019 iditarod, the daytona 500 of kibble-fueled racing! the iditarod, of course, is an alaskan dog-sledding race over 1,000 miles long. 52 teams compete to see "who's a good boy? or a good girl? because in dogsledding, women and men compete side by side, there's no difference. no, there isn't!" this year, there was some extra excitement because a stray dog jumped in to join the 2019 sled race.
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that is flagrant disregard of the iditarod qualifiers. did this dog even place in the copper basin 300? the kobuk 440? the two rivers chata-nika challenge? i do not think so-- or know what i just said. it all started when "two racers came up to the finger lake checkpoint, where the dog lives," and "he decided to jump right in, running 30 miles overnight." tell that to your dog next time she plops down in the middle of her walk around the block. "get up! you sleep all day anyway!" meanwhile, in invertebrate ass news, scientists have discovered "a jellyfish-like creature whose anus forms only when it needs to defecate, then disappears.. ( cheers and applause ) without a trace."
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( laughter ) until now, science knew of only one other butthole that could disappear so quickly. ( cheers and applause ) hey, mooch! the scientist who discovered the jellyfish was amazed by this vamoosing caboose, saying, "it is not visible when the animal is not pooping." he would have discovered it sooner, but the jellyfish said it's really hard to go when you know somebody's watching. ( laughter ) the ephemeral evacuation hole has a name, too. scientists call it "transient anus," which my researcher herer insists is the only reason why "transient anus" shows up in his search history. we'll be right back with senator cory booker. searching for a way to help stop your cold sore? only abreva can get rid of it in... little as 2 1/2 days when used at the first sign. abreva starts to work immediately
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a former mayor of newark, current u.s. senator, and a democratic candidate for president of these united states. please welme back to "the late show," senator corey booker. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> i love that tune. >> stephen: that's for you. >> i love the jersey seal on the ceiling. >> stephen: we just wanted to make you feel comfortable. >> i'm very grateful for that. >> stephen: welcome back. >> thank you. >> stephen: i have had the opportunity, the pleasure of interviewing you many times between the old show and the new show this year but this is the first time i have spoken to as an announced candidate for
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president of the united states. congratulations on making that leap. it must be-- i called it, by the way. you remember that i called it. >> i think you knew before i did. and my mom did, which is probably one of the more important helpers in my life, in terms of big decisions. >> stephen: i actually have a clip here of me calling if you want to go to that, jim. are you running in 2020? >> i am -- >> stephen: let me-- actually let me let you off the hook. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: i will let you off the hook and you know that you are running in 2020. >> uhm-- >> stephen: this is-- tell me about the moment of the decision. because a lot of thought goes into this. what is that moment of decision like when you say, "i'm going to make the leap? i'm going to do it." >> it's a hard decision. people think it's inevitable and easy and we have quite a few candidates running this time and i give them credit because to put yourself there for a grueling year, two-year journey.
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as soon as i started looking at my hesitations and reasons i was using, they were more coming from fear than faith. and i'm a big believer that you should live life with courage and pursue your dreams and aspirations. and i realized my dreams for this country were far bigger than the fears i had about myself. and i come from a history-- we both come from a history where people put it all on the line for this nation, and why should i worry about my fears. those are small. the ambitions i have for the united states are large and and good willing get a chance to show some leadership during this campaign trail, as well as in the end. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you put out a beautiful video when you first launched-- you announced your campaign, you first launched. and it's very hopeful. you talk a lot about love. >> yes. >> stephen: love of your country, love of your fellow man pup said very specifically you don't have hate in your heart.
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you even said you love donald trump. >> well, my mom taught sunday school, and she taught me love your neighbor, no exception exrkz never let someone pull you so low you hate them. so i'm not going to let donald trump contort my soul. i believe in this election, more than ever, we need a's vival of grace in this country. and what's happening in our politics, what's happening in our politics right now is undermining our ability to get big things done. we have people who believe the forces tearing us apart are stronger than the forces binding us together. i think patriotism means love of country. you can't love your country unless you love your fellow countrymen and women. now, we don't always have to agree. we may-- we don't always have to agree. we may have days where we don't like each other, but we have come to the point in america where the biggest aspiration is tolerance. the reality is what love says is that you and i share a common destiny, that we need each
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other. that if your kids don't go to a great public school or have health care, then my kids are the lesser for it. we are a nation that was founded-- written, literally, by our imperfect geniuses who wrote this country. because we're not a theocracy. we're not all of the same race. we founded our nation on ideals, and our founders new exwoou that was a tough way to found a country. as big as these ideals are, we have to have have a connection to each other. that's with the declaration says at the end if we're going to make this nation work we must mutual lepledge, pledge to each other, our arms and our fortunes. you turn on tv or you watch our politics trash talking, twitter trolling, where is the sacred more than nrn that? most americans, democrat or republican, believe that everybody should have access to health care. most americans -- democrat and republican-- believe kids should have great public schools. we have so much common ground, and so much common pain, but we've lost a sense of common purpose to seize that common ground and deal with that common
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pain. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you-- >> so you may-- i may love the people, but i don't want donald trump to be my president. i'm going to work very hard to make sure he's out of the office. >> stephen: because of the other people you love. >> in the name of love. >> stephen: what about the other people who are trying to get the nomination for the democratic party? you've got a lot of friends, a lot of colleagues -- >> are you mad i cannot announce on this show. i have seen others, my dear friend kirsten jillen brand. kirsten is like a sister to me and there will be sibling rivalry. >> stephen: let's hear it. let's hear why you're a better choice than kirsten gillibrand, why are you a better chance than the 54 other people running. there has to be a reason why
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your message is better than the other people and what is it? >> the 2020 race stands for, that's how many people are running, 2,020 people. look, i have spent my life running at the most difficult problems this country had, from the time i moved into an inner city low-income neighborhood, they still live in, taking on battles people stayed couldn't be done. i remember people literally laugh at me as i would go around as the mayor of the city of new york talking about the greatness of newark and now our city is going through the biggest economic revival since 1960. when i got to washington, people were cynical. they told me we couldn't make big change. and one of my biggest issues for going to washington was justice, reforming our broken criminal justice system. i got down to the senate floor, and the eventual chairman of the judicially committee was speaking against what i wanted to do, which was lowering sentences and ending mandatory min minimums. i sat down with him and we put
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together a piece of legislation that is now the law of the land. >> stephen: the criminal justice reform act that was signed by the president about a month ago? >> yes. it's something i worked five years on, and we got it done with a republican president and a so-called divided congress. ( applause ) and so -- >> stephen: the president takes a lot of credit for that. the president takes a lot of credit for that criminal justice reform. could it have gotten done with a democratic president in there or would the republicans not have come along at all unless a republican president got credit for it. >> the question of could it have gotten done-- american history is the perpetual testimony to the achievement of the impossible. we can get anything done we want to. we've proven that. but somehow we've had-- our dreams have gotten a lot smaller in terms of of what we're capable of. we should be a country where health care is a right. where our schools and the determination of a kid's success doesn't determine what zip code you live in, but every child has great schools. these are things we should be dreaming big about again. and if we're letting our nation,
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lettingly our politics somehow undermine our ability and faith in each other other then our politics is savagely broken and needs to be fixed. that's why i'm running for profit united states. because i believe in us. i believe in what we can achieve together and i want to start expanding people's vision for what's possible in our country again. >> stephen: we have to take a commercial break. please don't go anywhere. we'll be back with more senator cory booker. he's running for president, everybody. everybody. ( applause ) we make technology we dthat moves peoplers... this is the 2019 nissan rogue featuring tech like propilot assist it helps keep you centered in your lane and in control this is how nissan intelligent mobility is reinventing driving- for everyone.
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we're back with new jersey senator and democratic presidential campaign hopeful cory booker. let's talk about some specific policies that have been thrown out by the new democrats in congress and by some of the people-- >> i can just say one thing because this news came out about paul manafort, and i'm really ticked off about this. >> stephen: yesterday, thursday. >> yes, yesterday came out-- well, one of my friends says we have a criminal justice system that treats you better if you're rich and guilty than if you're poor and innocent. and there are people from neighborhoods like mine in america who get convictions for doing things that two of the last three presidents admitted to doing. we are a nation right now that churns into our criminal justice system the most vulnerable people. you can tell a lot about a country by who they incarcerate. in turkey, they're incarcerating the media. be careful when you travel there, sir. but in our country, we prey upon the most vulnerable citizens in our nation-- poor folks,
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mentally ill folks, addicted folks, and overwhelmingly brack blackand brown folks? >> stephen: you were shocked that he got only four years. >> no, criminal justice can't shock me anymore. >> stephen: even though the mueller team said, 19-24, they said he was irredeemable. >> i don't believe in irredeemable -- >> stephen: they said a high risk of recidivism. that he is a harden criminal. >> yes, and he is somebody that done dthings that undermined this investigation. so everybody-- that's so delegitimizes our criminal justice system. there are people in prison right new-- i had a guy that went with me to the state of the union address, the legislation i worked on with other senators, liberated, who was in jail for life for being in possession of crack cocaine that weighed less than a baseball air, life sentence. and here is a guy that betrayed our nation, that the prosecutors said-- that the sentences guidelines said over 19 years, and he's getting out with a slap
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on the wrist. what does that say to people in the communities like mine that, this is the kind of injustice. we say the we're the land of the three, but one out of every three incarcerated women on the planet earth are here in the united states of america. which women? the most vulnerable. survivors of sexual aassault. low-income folks. overwhelmingly the majority of women we incarcerate are low income. this is a cancer on the soul of our country. what happened yesterday to me is just yet another example of the work we have to do. we swear-- i have thing, before you tell me about your religion, first show it to me in how you treat other people. people. ( applause ) we have a civic gospel. we have a civic gospel that we all swear an oath to in this country. we swear an oath that we will be a nation of liberty and justice for all. that is not true. and we need to change that in this country. and that's why i introduced legislation this week to say, okay, we did the first step act, which is a good progress.
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but now it's time we do the next step act. because just think about the problems we talk about. you talk about other issues. what's happening with our children, what's happening with our infrastructure. we are building a new prison in this country every 10 days from the time i was in law school to the time i was mayor of the city of newark, while our infrastructure was crumb blirng we were building out the biggest infrastructure on the planet earth for incarcerating people. think about this-- once you get an indictment or a conviction for doing things that now senators admit to doing-- "oh, i smoked marijuana"-- there were more marijuana possession arrests in 2017 than all the violent crimes. and those people can't get a job, can't get a business license. in some states they can't vote. they have their citizen rights ripped away from them. this is a system if america's in-careration rate was the same as other countries we would have 20% less poverty. these are the kind of self-inflicted wounds by having a health care system that treats
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people after they get sick as opposed to preventsive care and wellness and early intervention. we seem to be a society that wants to save so much taxpayer dollars after people are broken instead of making smart, strategic investments to empower our country to succeed. again, that's another reason i'm fighting to lead this nation. >> jon: senator, thank you for being here. senator cory booker, everybody. we'll be right back with the stars of comedy central's "corporate," matt ingebretson and jake weisman. ♪
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♪ ♪
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♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ i been feeling it since 1966, now ♪ ♪ might be over now, but i feel it still ♪ ♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ ooh woo, i'm a rebel just for kicks, now ♪ ♪ let me kick it like it's 1986, now ♪ ♪ might be over now, but i feel it still ♪ ♪ might've had your fill, but you feel it still, ooh woo ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. my next guests are the creators and stars of the critically-acclaimed comedy central show "corporate." >> listen to this email and tell me if it sounds okay without exclamation points: >> you just used periods? >> yeah. >> should be fine.
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>> i attached the docs you asked for. i sent them last week! i get they got lost in your in box! anyway, let me know if there's anything else you need help with! thanks! >> did you get matt's email? >> this is an attack. ( laughter ) >> stephen: please welcome matt ingebretson and jake weisman! >> stephen: hello. nice to meet you. ( applause ) >> stephen: matt, jake. >> this is crazy. i think we all wore the exact same color suit. also, we mawch these chairs exactly. this was a huge mistake. >> stephen: you're just floating heads right now. >> your producer should be fired for allowing this to happen. >> stephen: how is everything over there at comedy central? i haven't been over there for a while. >> it's fine. >> stephen: fantastic.
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well, this is your second season, right? >> yes. >> stephen: second season of "corporate." it's a-- it can be dark, certainly different view of corporate culture. are you anticorporate? >> no! listen, we're anticorporate on the show because that's what the kids want. you know what i mean? and that's what democratic socialists want. we want with the cool kids. but secretly, we love corporations. >> we love cbs. thank you so much cbs. >> we love viacom. viacom pays for our show. thank you so much. >> they treat people terribly but they get us products and two-day shipping. you can't beat that. >> and eventually they pay for the tv shows, and when the world ends-- which we all know is come ago we're going to be in burningers and we're going to need tv shows to watch so we're thankful. >> stephen: but you're famous now. >> yeah, we're famous. >> we get recognized all the time now that we're in season two. people come up to us all the time in diernz, and say, "oh, my
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gosh, there's jonah hill eating with tom greene. ( laughter ) is there i---- i-- i-- get it. i totally get it. has that gotten you anything. like disowbts? >> no, everybody just wants me to quote, "freddie got fingered." which i've never seen. >> stephen: wow, that is a deep cut. you have never seen "freddie got fingered?" >> no. >> stephen: you lucky man. >> is it good? >> stephen: lucky man. you have taken anything from your real life it use as material? like, did you guys ever work in a corporate environment, other than working for a corporation now. >> di. >> stephen: did you ever do admin work or something like na? >> i got a business degree and an english degree. >> stephen: whoa! a business degree and an english degree. >> two degrees, not to brag. >> stephen: what did you think you were going to do with your business degree? >> business? that was my problem is i got the
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business degree -- >> stephen: quite a plan. >> i was like "i don't know what this is." so i came out here. i came out to l.a. and got jobs, like copyrighting and doing marketing and stuff, and it felt like i was ruining my life and we based the show on that. >> stephen: do you have a corporate background, jake? >> no, not at all. i'm making up everything. i have no idea what i'm talking about and you're the first person who has kind of exposed me. ( laughter ). >> jake worked in a chandelier store fair year. >> i sold chandeliers to really rich people who didn't need the chandelier s. >> stephen: i don't need a chandelier. sale me one-- how would you sell a chandelier? "i need a light for my living room." >> oh, so you like light? ( laughter ) that's good. do you like expensive light? >> stephen: i like nice things. i like nice things. >> well, then you should buy a chandelier. it seems obvious. >> >> stephen: that's a soft sell. were you a good assess man? >> no, i was one of the worst
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salesmen of all time. i actually, i got in trouble all the time. i didn't care about selling chandeliers. you can't get amped up to sell lights. if you ever walk into a chandelier store, know everyone there is unhappy. >> stephen: i sold if you tons when i first got out of college. >> sell me a if you ton. >> stephen: i can't. you know the good thing about if you ton-- what kind of bed do you have right now? >> king size. >> stephen: king side what, what kind? coil, water bed, what have you got? >> memory foam mattress. >> stephen: you don't want a memory foam mattress because it will inform on the authorities on everything you've done on that bed. it's got a memory of everything you've done! >> see, i want the authorities to know what i've done in that bed. >> stephen: oh, really. >> what? ( laughter ) >> stephen: sometimes i like to just be silent with guests. i like to be quiet with guests.
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do you guys want to be quiet for a second. >> yeah. >> stephen: let's just be quiet. ( laughter ) are ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen:
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>> stephen: the season finale of "corporate" airs tuesday on comedy central. matt ingebretson and jake weisman, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) clb
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." join us next week for idris elba, christine baranski, and representative tulsi gabbard. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs
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captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show


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