tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 11, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> the president and first lady visited a baptist church in opelika, alabama, on friday, where they raised eyebrows by signing bibles for the residents that came out to see them. ( heavenly choir ) ( laughter ) ( heavenly choir ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight wonder budget. plus stephen welcomes damian lewis, congresswoman tulsi
gabbard, and musical guest ellie goulding, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome! thanks, everybody! over there, up there, down there. hey, chris! welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. i forgot to say this friday but happy march, everybody. we made it through february. it was such an accomplishment to make it through february. >> jon: a tough month. >> stephen: also happy budget
day. the president released his 2020 spending plan, which he's calling "a budget for a better america: promises kept. taxpayers first." okay, pick a slogan. ( laughter ) just one. that title's got a little junk in the trunk. but he overdoes everything. it's always too much. originally, trump wanted to call it: "a budget for a better america: finger lickin' good. we are farmers. bum bah dum dah bum bah da bah bah bah. i'm lovin' it." ( laughter ) and the reviews are already in. house democrats rave, "dead on arrival," "no chance of passing," and "divorced from reality.'" ( laughter ) is there anything he won't divorce? ( laughter ) ♪ whoa, now >> stephen: democrats have a very good reason for opposing this budget: it includes a request for at least $8.6 billion more in funding for a wall. ( audience reacts )
>> stephen: you were a little late, but thank you very much. we've been her before. you know the old saying, "fool me once-- wait a sec, you didn't fool me the first time, you're already trying it again!?" ( laughter ) but trump's budget isn't supposed to appeal to democrats. it's for his base in the run up to 2020. to that end, trump has launched a massive reelection effort, led by 2020 campaign manager and time-traveling medieval monk, brad parscale. he brags, "we are creating the largest campaign operation in american history, an unstoppable apparatus that will follow and implement president trump's strategy to great effect." yes, you know you're the good guys when you boast about having: "the unstoppable apparatus. ( laughter ) ♪ every citizen will come under its omnipotent sway, once we implement: protocol omega. we will get out the vote, without mercy.
thanks to the unstoppable apparatus." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) did i black out? of course, before it can crush us under its iron wheels of destiny, the apparatus must be fed. trump's already raking money. on friday night, he spoke to republican donors at mar-a-lago, and things got a little weird. you'll remember, last week, when trump met with apple ceo tim cook, and he did this: >> we appreciate it very much, tim-apple. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, very much. >> jon: that's not his name. >> stephen: yeah, tim apple. ( laughter ) one of the three famous apple boys, tim, pine and cran. ( laughter )
( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) let it sink in. let it sink in. okay, so it was funny he did this. ha ha. we certainly made our jokes. tim cook, changed his twitter handle to tim apple. all in good fun! >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: and it was over. but now, it has blossomed into an on-going national scandal that we're calling "applegate." not christina. ( laughter ) she's a national treasure. at this self-same, aforementioned fundraiser, of which i was just speaking of, trump resurrected the controversy by telling the donors that he actually said "tim cook apple" really fast, and the "cook" part of the sentence was soft. but all you heard from the "fake news was "tim apple."
( laughter ) mr. president, words don't just disappear from the middle of sentences. unless it's cbs bleeping me when i say excuses like this are ( bleep ) insane. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) ( applause ) did i say "apple-ing insane"? we'll never know. maybe i'm wrong. maybe he's not appled in the head. ( laughter ) let's slow that clip way down and boost the volume so we can hear the middle part. >> we appreciate it very much, tim -- >> cook, the c.e.o. of -- -- apple. >> stephen: checks out. >> jon: i heard it that time.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we were wrong. damn you, fake news. that checks out. even trump's own donors, who had to donate at least six figures to get into this event, knew the story was nuts. one told reporters, "i just thought, why would you lie about that. it doesn't even matter!" ( laughter ) "yes, i was there at the donor event, and i turned to my wife and said, this man will lie about literally anything! ( laughter ) hand me my checkbook. trump 2020!" ( laughter ) big check. big check. ( piano riff ) no one believed his lie, so trump has already released lie 2.0. this morning he tweeted, "at a recent round table meeting of business executives, and long after formally introducing tim cook of apple, i quickly referred to tim "plus" apple as tim "slash" apple as an easy way
to save time and words. the fake news was disparagingly all over this, and it became yet another bad trump story!" so, after no one believed that he secretly whispered his name and title, trump claimed he was shortening it to save time. time he could be spending with his kids. ( laughter ) because, on their death bed, everyone says the same thing. "i have only one regret, that i wasted so much of my life on saying last names instead of occupations. ( laughter ) don't make the same mistakes i did, little johnny paper route." ( laughter ) ( piano riff )
( cheers and applause ) very deeply into character there for just a moment. at the fundraiser, trump also rolled out some brand new opponent nicknames. he called biden "the dummy." ballsy, considering his running mate is a mannequin. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) mother. mother. trump's also doing some thoughtful rebranding, revealing that instead of "crazy bernie." he now calls sanders "the nutty professor." ( laughter ) nice. topical. really going after the youth vote with his 50 year old reference. and he's right. bernie sanders looks exactly like jerry lewis.
"hey lady, the 1% control 90% of the wealth. oh, dean, tuition should be free for everyone! healthcare is a hoiden!" with the hay and the nice and the love. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ trump also was a little bummed out about elizabeth warren, saying his attacks on her "took her out really early" and that as a result, he wanted to save his most withering lines about other democrats for later in the primary. "timing is everything. i'm waiting until i address the u.n. general assembly to call the former governor of colorado 'john licks-hispooper.'. oops-- broke it out too early. just can't turn off this thing." ( laughter ) on his way to mar a lago, trump stopped in alabama to tour the tornado damage there and he caught some heat for signing
something for his supporters: bibles. it's a real collector's item. not everyone has a bible signed president "aaaaaaaaaahhh!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) aaahhh! that's just the sound he made when he touched the holy book. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) speaking of scandals, there are new developments in the arrest of one of trump's personal friends: new england patriots owner and man at nursing home confirming he went, robert kraft. kraft was in a florida massage parlor, where he was caught on camera getting a, let's say, hand employment. ( laughter ) so, once again, the patriots are embroiled in a scandal involving deflated balls. ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) ( applause ) we shouldn't be surprised.
there's a reason they call it palm beach. ( laughter ) >> jon: whoa... >> stephen: there's going to be a lot of these so get ready. ( laughter ) kraft has pleaded not guilty, and this weekend we learned that he has assembled a legal dream team, consisting of multiple high-profile florida criminal defense attorneys. multiple? how many people does he need to get him off? ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( applause ) but the story got even seamier, when it came out that the founder of the massage parlor company, cindy yang, attended trump's super bowl party at mar-alago. well, of course, she went to trump's super bowl party. we know she was pulling for bob kraft. ( laughter ) now, to be fair, cindy yang no longer owns the "orchids of asia day spa". because now she's running a more profitable business that sold
chinese business executives access to president trump at mar a-lago. and she seems to have influence. because just listen to trump touting the services at her day spas. >> jobs, jobs, jobs. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now -- told ya. don't you dare shake your head at me! ( applause ) now, there are lots of people trying to make a quick buck promising access to the president. there's no way cindy yang actually managed to get close to-- and there are multiple pictures of them together. ( laughter ) she also has photos posing with don junior, and eric. proving she has experience dealing with little ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) okay over there? putting food on your children's table right now.
( laughter ) but this isn't just a salacious story, national security experts say that yang could pose a threat, presenting opportunities for espionage or blackmail targeting the president's inner circle. targeting your inner circle, also available at her massage parlors. ( laughter ) small up-fee. (bell ringing) oh my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, you know what that means: we just did eight consecutive massage parlor jokes! ( cheers and applause ) a new world record, so this sordid story really does have a happy ending. ( ringing bell ) nine! we've got a great show for you tonight, damian lewis is here. but when we come back, tucker carlson. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for th the band! give it up for the brass! ( cheers and applause ) ow! ow! ow! ow! ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: ow! ow! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, jon, how are you? happy monday, man. >> jon: happy monday. >> stephen: you know, we've got from the showtime show
"billions" damian lewis is here tonight. and presidential candidate tulsi gabbard from hawaii is here tonight. >> jon: oh, yeah. she surfs. >> stephen: she surfs. i'm going to ask her a lot about surfing. >> jon: you sure? >> stephen: yeah. i don't know anything about surfing so i was going to ask her to teach me. do you know how to surf, john? >> jon: i've tried one time and i don't think i know how to surf yet. >> stephen: may take more than one try. >> jon: i know. >> stephen: that's one of the things i'm going to ask her. i don't know what else but that's definitely going to be on the list. ( laughter ) you know, we have a lot of fun talking about some of the horrible things the president says on camera. but it's not fair to single him out. a lot people say terrible things. and by a lot of people, i mean, tucker carlson. ( laughter ) he's been saying horrible stuff for years. in fact, between 2006 and 2011, tucker spent an hour a week
calling in to a shock-jock radio show hosted by a gentleman named "bubba the love sponge." by the way, love sponge, the least effective method of contraception. the most effective? tucker carlson. ( laughter ) yep. ( piano riff ) anyway, media matters went through all of tuck's appearances with mr. sponge, and he is none too kind to the ladies. for instance, here's one from 2010 where tucker's talking about then-supreme court nominee elena kagan: >> but i do feel sorry for her in that way. i feel sorry for unattractive women. >> yeah, well she can certainly, i mean, shape it up a little bit. i mean-- i mean, lose 10 or 15 pounds, get a tan, fix those teeth. i mean-- >> no, it's just absolutely fundamental. physically, the problems here-- >> i mean this woman-- >> with her are fundamental. she's never going to be an attractive woman. ( audience reacts )
>> stephen: harsh words from the next double-o seven here. "the name's breather, mouth breather." ( laughter ) but he's got a point. we have to protect the supreme court's high standards of physical beauty. ( laughter ) mmm, justice breyer? break me off a piece of that. or just wait a bit, something will fall off. ( laughter ) but the most incredibly tucker thing carlson said was about former cult leader, warren jeffs, who was convicted of sexually assaulting minors: >> well, actually, he's not in prison for that. he didn't-- warren jeffs didn't marry underage girls, actually. >> he's in prison for facilitation of child rape. >> whatever the hell that means. >> that means that-- >> he's in prison because he's weird and unpopular and he has a different lifestyle that other people find creepy. >> no, he is an accessory to the rape of children. that is a felony and a serious
one at that. >> stephen: wow, tucker just got schooled by bubba "the voice of reason" sponge. that's not a good sign. but tucker forged ahead with his idea of an argument: >> what do you mean he's an accessory? he's got like some weird religious cult where he thinks it's ok to, you know, marry underage girls, but he didn't do it. the rapist, in this case, has made a lifelong commitment to live and take care of the person. so it is a little different. i mean, let's be honest. >> stephen: yes, let's be honest. you're awful on so many levels ( laughter ) on a positive note, i think r. kelly just got a character witness. ( laughter ) ( applause ) tucker also shared his thoughts on women in general: >> i love women, but they're extremely primitive, they're basic, they're not that hard to understand. >> stephen: sure, women are primitive. in that right now, many of them want to throw tucker carlson into a volcano. ( laughter )
( cheers and applause ) predictably, the president of the warren jeffs fan club has refused to apologize, and instead, released this statement: "media matters caught me saying something naughty on a radio show more than a decade ago. "naughty"? tucker, when you defend child brides, you don't go on the naughty list. you go on the list where you have to go door to door and tell everyone you just moved into their neighborhood. we'll be right back with damian lewis. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i'm captain obvious and hotels.com
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representative from hawaii who my next guest is an award winning actor, damian lewis! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. please have a seat. >> you like a drink. >> stephen: i do. let me just see if there's anything behind there. >> stephen: what is this? this is -- >> this is good. >> stephen: kentucky straight bourbon whiskey. thank you very much. >> you're going to enjoy that. >> stephen: do you enjoy a cocktail? >> i like a little bourbon,
yeah. >> stephen: i keep a little bar back here. >> really? >> stephen: i do keep a little bar back here because i have this full right here just in case somebody wants a drink. >> oh, my god are you drunk now? >> stephen: i'm not. this is fantastic. >> stephen: unless this is a rerun, i'm not. there you go. so is bourbon your drink of choice? >> it really -- it really -- this is -- you can go home. it's fine. we're just going to sit and drink. >> stephen: this isn't cable, buddy. this is network. we have nice stuff there. >> look at this! i'm very excited. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back to the show. >> the whole of the groton row is dribbling. >> stephen: cheers to you. yucky da, as we say in wales. that's my only welsh. >> stephen: to tom jones. yeah, there you go. >> stephen: mmm, mmm, yeah,
that's nice. that's nice. welcome back to the show, nice to have you at the ed sullivan theater, though this obviously is not your first time on broadway. you made your broadway debut in '95? >> correct. >> stephen: in "hamlet." if you're going to be in a play, "hamlet' is the one, i find. this is you with lairtes. ( applause ) there you go. >> i'm trying to be tough. >> stephen: you're about to do the big sword fight at the end there. >> yeah. >> stephen: was he a good coaster on stage? >> rafe's fantastic. but you have to concentrate because he changes everything each night. he's very free on stage. >> stephen: you can't change the sword twilightfight. >> there's the story about the sword fight. we'd been in london, came on broadway, you know, it's 25 young british on broadway, seemed like one shouldn't go to
bed much before 6:00 a.m. in the morning, you know, but we didn't too often. so we -- >> stephen: you're playing the play impaired, is what you're saying? >> partially impaired. one night, the thing is going quicker and quicker and quicker, and it had been amazingly choreographed by bill hobbs who had done the themus cay tiers. this thing was going quicker and quicker and quicker, and one night we're in like this, i pari across like this, and something goes wrong and i get this what can right above my eye. and i'm just saying that does not feel good. in fact, that feels bad. and it's just attend of the fight, and i turn one way as lairtes upstage and rafe turns the other way so he can't see what happens. so i go to my knees the way i'm
supposed to and i said that didn't feel good at all. suddenly it's like someone struck oil in my forehead and blood is gushing out of my face, and rafe hasn't seen anything yet because he's facing the other way giving hamlet monologues because he's hamlet so he gets to do that. i turn around and, by the time i turn around and he turns around, the whole half of my face is covered in blood. it's like a geyser. it's like this thing is just pumping blood. and he looks at me. and you know rafe's eyes, he has incredible blue eyes and they go crazier than they normally are, and he gets closer and closer still doing his monologue and whispers, are you all right? ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow. and all i can feel is blood andt ow, you t me. >> stephen: that' s
stephen: if a guy who can see your face says, are you all right? >> and i get rushed to the hospital and i have nine stitches. my eyebrow doesn't join up. makeup artists curse my right eyebrow because they can't make it match. there's a gap. i have quite a bit on now. >> stephen: they joined it up. you look perfectly fine. >> thank you. >> stephen: billions on show time season 4 is starting. we have a clip here in a second of you and paul giamatti. giamatti is a lot of fun to interview but i've never dean a scene opposite him. do you have exercises you do? >> we have a quite deep and involved process. it's very, very serious, and we tend to just do this quite a
lot. ( sound ) >> oh, so sorry. and then i go -- and then like this -- and the director will say action, and we'll go straight into it. >> stephen: loosens you up. we find the best way to prepare is just to make fart noises and make each other laugh. how are other actors preparing? i just assumed everyone was doing it. >> stephen: i think that's the substancstanislovski method. ( laughter ) can you tell me the clip we're about to see? >> let's hope we have the right clip. i believe this is not with paul. >> stephen: it's not. thank you. >> stephen: i'm quizzing you right now. >> sorry. i've got to remember what the people told me backstage. axe is being very axe-y and is
about to fire somebody. >> stephen: how many scenes could you describe like that? you just guessed. you have no idea what we're about to see. axe is being very axe-y. ( laughter ) >> we're going to see axe, he's angry, he's in control, go. >> stephen: jim. do you know why all these scores so much? because baxtrum shares the puck. >> yeah, but when he does, obi goes bar down. this lame lose a puck between his legs or air mails it into the damn glass. >> i fire him and he never ( bleep ) up again, right, ru? >> right. you signed your noncompete didn't you? >> of course. good. rudy, you're fired. >> stephen: very axe-y. you did not lie. very axe-y. >> that was very axe-y. >> stephen: damian, good to see you again.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: now, for those of you who don't know you, who are you? >> my name is tulsi gabbard. >> stephen: mm-hmm. i grew up in hawaii, and i represent hawaii now in congress for over six years. i'm a soldier. i serve in the army national guard, currently a major. deployed twice to the middle east. in congress, serve in the armed services foreign affairs and armed services committee throughout the time i have been there. from a young age, i grew to understand how important service is. understanding that, as long as we try to live our lives in a way that has a positive impact
on other people, then we can really be happy, so that's what i've tried to do throughout my life. ( applause ) >> stephen: and how long have you been a congresswoman? >> i was first elected in 2012 to the united states congress. i ran for state house of representatives in hawaii when i was 21 years old, just a few years ago. >> stephen: and you were elected. >> i was elected. >> stephen: the youngest state representative in hawaii. >> yeah. >> stephen: what was your motivation? why do you want to be president of the united states? >> because as a soldier, i know the cost of war. and the most important job that the president has is to be commander-in-chief. >> stephen: do you think the iraq war was worth it? >> no ( applause ) >> stephen: do you think that our involvement in syria has been worth it? >> no. ( applause ) >> stephen: do you believe that i.s.i.s. could have been defeated without our involvement and our support of the local troops there?
>> there are two things we need to address in syria -- one is a regime change war first launched by the united states in 2011 covertly led by the c.i.a., that is a regime change where it has continued over the years that has increased the suffering of the syrian people and strengthened terrorist groups like al quaida and i.s.i.s. because the c.i.a. was using american taxpayer dollars to provide arms and training equipment to these terrorist groups to get them to overthrow the government. so that is a regime change war that we should not have been waging. >> stephen: but if it's somebody like bashar al-assad who gases his own people or engages in war crimes against his own people, should the united states not be involved? >> the united states should not be intervening to overthrow these dictators and regimes that we don't like, like assad, like saddam hussein, like gadhafi, and like kim jong un. there are badpl d, b histo shown us
that every time the united states goes in and topples these dictators we don't like, trying to act like the world's police, we end up increasing the suffering of the people in these countries, we end up causing loss of lives, both american and people in these countries, we end up undermining our own security, to speak of the trillions of dollars of tax money spent on these wars that we need to be using right here at home. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i would agree even from my limited knowledge of this that american interventionism has unintended blowback often both for the united states and for the people who we're trying to help. but you got heat for meeting with bashar al-assad. do you not consider him a war criminal? why did you meet with that man? >> in the pursuit of peace and security. if we are not willing to meet with adversaries, potential
adversaries in the pursuit of peace and security, the only alternative is more war. that's why it took that meeting with assad, in pursuit of peace and security. >> stephen: do you believe he gassed his own people or committed atrocities against his own people? >> yes, reports have shown that's a fact. >> stephen: so you believe in those intelligence reports. because i heard you didn't. >> no, that's not true. but that's not really the point here. we know the reports have shown chemical weapons attacks have been used by both the syrian government as well as by the terrorist groups who are fighting in syria. the real question here that is important for us the american people and our government is how destructive these regime change wars are on the people in the countries where we are supposedly trying to help them, as well as how destructive they are to us, the american people here at home both from a security perspective, and the fact that we don't have enough money to pay for health care for
everyone, we don't have enough money to pay for education, to rebuild our infrastructure, the ururgent needs our people need t home. >> stephen: i don't know if america should be the policeman at home. >> it is my opinion we should not be. >> stephen: if we are not, nature abhors a vacuum, and if we are not involved in international conflicts or trying to quell international conflicts, certainly the russians and the chinese will fill that vacuum and we will step away from the stage in a significant way that might destabilize the world because the united states, however flawed, is a force for good in the world, in my opinion. would you agree with that? >> i do agree with that. my point is that -- ( applause ) -- in order to be a force for good, we must actually do good. the consequences of these regime change war policies has been horrible. it has been completely the opposite of that intention, of
that good that the united states should be standing for. so i don't advocate for ice isolationism. i'm talking about making sure we have relationships with other countries based on cooperation, not conflicts and that we're thinking through and exercising foresight on the decisions that we're making and understanding what those consequences are. >> stephen: you've gotten some fans in the trump supporter world, david duke, steve bannon and matt gates. what do you make of how much they like you? >> you should ask them. look, i have denounced strongly time and again the white nationalist views of david duke and racist and bigoted views of people who are spewing hatred and even violence. this is unacceptable and something we should all stand up and condemn. >> stephen: last question because we've got to go here,
how many lessons will it take john podestjon andi to learn to? >> have you ever been before? >> stephen: i have never surfed. >> i think the first day we can do it. >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much. >> stephen: congresswoman tulsi gabbard, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by ellie goulding. the audience arrives. ( ♪ ) courage. we have a fragrance for that. new glade plugins scented oil. sc johnson. -jamie, this is your house? -i know, it's not much, but it's home. right, kids? -kids? -papa, papa! -[ laughs ] -you didn't tell me your friends were coming. -oh, yeah. -this one is tiny like a child. -yeah, she is. oh, but seriously, it's good to be surrounded by what matters most -- a home and auto bundle from progressive. -oh, sweetie, please, play for us.
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>> stephen: and now, performing her hit single "close to me" with jon batiste and stay human, please welcome, ellie goulding! >> ♪ even though we both know we're liars and we start ♪ each other's fires we just know that we'll ♪ be all right even though we're kicked out ♪ the party 'cause we both hate everybody ♪ we're the ones they wanna be like ♪ so don't let me down keep me in trouble ♪ born to be wild out in the jungle ♪ and i don't wanna be somebody
without your body close to me ♪ and if it wasn't you, i wouldn't want anybody ♪ close to me yeah, yeah ♪ 'cause i'm an animal, animal- al, like animal, like you ♪ and i don't wanna be somebody without your body ♪ close to me whoo you can never come too ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ keep me in trouble ♪ born to be wild out in the jungle ♪ and i don't wanna be somebody without your body close to me
♪ and if it wasn't you, i wouldn't want anybody ♪ close to me ♪ 'cause i'm an animal, animal- al, like animal, like you ♪ and i don't wanna be somebody without your body ♪ close to me whoo ♪ close to me oooh ♪ close to me oooh because i'm an animal, animal- ♪ al, like animal, like you and i don't wanna be somebody ♪ without your body close to me whoo ♪ and if it wasn't you, i wouldn't want anybody close to ♪ me yeah, yeah because i'm an animal, animal- ♪ al, like animal, like you and i don't wanna be somebody
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especially to children. protect your family. visit tobaccofreeca.com. >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be john turturro, andrew rannels, and musical guest, robyn. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show