tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 13, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
( laughter ) ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, boeing in the towel. plus, stephen welcomes patricia arquette ian mcshane and musical guest strand of oaks with jason isbell and amanda shires. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome.
beautiful. good to see you! welcome! welcome, ladies and gentlemen, one and all, in here, out there, all around the world, to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now, let me ask you something-- personal question. anyone here afraid to fly? you ain't crazy. there have been some real there have been some real problems with theboeing 737 max 8. two of them have gone down since october, one just this past sunday. here's the problem, according to one pilot. "boeing jet's autopilot appears to cause the aircraft to tilt down suddenly." that's not good. ( laughter ) i don't even like it when the seat in front of me tilts down suddenly. "sir, i just want to watch 'infinity war.' i don't want to lick it." not only that, "pilots repeatedly voiced safety concerns to federal authorities,
with one captain calling the flight manual "inadequate and almost criminally insufficient." turns out, the flight manual is just a copy of "departures" magazine. ( as pilot ) "i don't want to read about three perfect days in sante fe. the autopilot is trying to kill us." ( laughter ) i would like to read about three perfect days in santa fe, by the way. and boeing's solution won't give you much comfort. the current plan is for "boeing to issue a software update to fix the nosedive problem." (as captain) "this is your captain speaking. the plane is presently flying at the ground, but not to worry-- i'm going to try to unplug it and plug it back in again." install a new flashplayer." dozens of countries grounded boeing's 737 max 8, including china, the european union, and canada. the canadians really put their foot down. official) "oh, hi, sore-y, eh. would you mind keepin' those jets on the ground just for now?
also, please stop making fun of the way we talk? because we don't all talk this way. and for the last time, we don't have pet beavers cuz they would frighten our pet moose. okay, you're gonna keep doing it? no matter what we say aboot it? okay. sore-y." ( cheers and applause ) the only people not grounding the max 8s were us. but late this afternoon, donald trump made this announcement: >> we are going to be issuing an emergency order of prohibition to ground all flights of the 737 max 8 and the 737 max 9 and planes associated with that line. any plane currently in the air will go to its destination and thereafter be grounded until further notice. "they will be grounded until further notice-- no tv, no xbox,
no driving the car. come on, you're a plane." the president explained why he decided to make the call. >> i didn't want to take any chances. we didn't have to make this decision today. we could have delayed it. we maybe didn't have to make it at all. but i felt-- i felt it was important, both psychologically, and a lot of other ways. (as trump) "yes, psychologically, it was important that we ground those giant metal penises. i mean, metal daddies. i mean, tiny metal penises. what was the question?" ( laughter ) it's important to realize that we all make mistakes. we criticize our government which is our right as citizens, but we all make mistakes. but rarely as many as former trump campaign chairman and star of the new superhero comic book, "guilty man," paul manafort. a lot of people were shocked last thursday when, despite a
sentencing range of 19-24 years, manafort got 47 months in prison. it was the most unexpectedly light sentence since leatherface got community service. ( laughter ) but today was round two for manafort in front of federal judge amy berman jackson. manafort had already been found guilty of two counts of conspiracy, each of which carry a maximum five-year sentence. and the question coming into the day was would judge jackson let manafort serve that second sentence concurrently with his first one or consecutively. now, it might sound impossible to serve two sentences at the same time, but i think manafort's up to it. because he served two countries at the same time. ( cheers and applause ) wasn't sure where we were going there. wasn't sure. now, manafort has been doing everything he can to garner sympathy. in previous court hearings, we've seen manafort with a cane. then last time he showed up in a wheelchair. today, i was expecting a brain in a jar. ( laughter )
actually, it was a wheelchair again. but when judge amy berman jackson entered the courtroom, manafort stood up from his wheelchair on his own power. it's a miracle! your honor, you can't sentence this man. he has been touched by an angel! hallelujah! ♪ ♪ a little late with the choir over there. ( laughter ) always got to be ready with the choir then judge jackson handed down the sentence: 60 months on count one, 30 of them served concurrently with his previous sentence. and 13 months on count two, to run consecutive to his other sentences. let's see... 60 months.. 60 months.. minus 30... plus 30... and 13 month... let's see what's going on here. annnnd... ( laughter )
yeah, he's screwed. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the calculator did all the action. all told, combined with the 47 months from his last trial, manafort's facing a total of seven and a half years in prison. so, someday, manafort's going to have to walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and say, "mr. president, can i have a pardon?" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and, literally, minutes after manafort was sentenced today, manhattan's district attorney said, "hold my beer," because new york state issued an indictment charging manafort with 16 crimes. well, that's just-- ( cheers and applause ) i mean, come on! come on! that's just adding insult to
incarceration. now, keep in mind, this is important-- while the president can pardon manafort for federal crimes, he can't do that in new york. ♪ even if trump pardons paul there they can still arrest him here ♪ it's up to you, new york, okay. didn't quite make it. didn't quite-- ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i liked the kick, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: i wasn't ready for the key change. but earlier today, trump said he's not even thinking about a pardon. >> will you pardon paul manafort? >> i have not even given it a thought as of this moment. it's not something that's right now on my mind. i do feel badly for paul manafort. (as trump) >> stephen: i feel badly. he's-- he's a good kid. he just got in over his head. by the way, over his head is
where the (bleep)-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) by the way, over his head is where the plastic bag will go if he ever turns states' evidence. manafort's trials are just the warm-up to the mueller report-- which, come on already, bob. it's been two years. even george r.r. martin is like, "wrap it up." ( laughter ) and nowhere are people more anxious for the report to drop than in our nation's capital. as "the new york times" reported yesterday, "the mueller report has washington spinning," which may explain why steve mnuchin always looks so nauseous. now, the "times" reporter describes the mood like this:
"washington-- jittery, full of rumor, like a becalmed ship in the dead air before a coming storm." "and one reporter, bored out of his mind, assigned a non-story about how there might be a story, toils away, like a forgotten lighthouse surrounded by fog so dense, no light can penetrate. 'i love you,' she cried." ( laughter ) this report-- this reporter writing this thing can't hide his frustration with how little information he has to go on. he writes, "it may or may not be the report of the century. it may or may not be ready soon. and it may be only a few pages long." ( laughter ) "but one thing, and one thing alone is for sure-- i have to hit 500 words,' 500 words,' she whispered, her silken robe
sliding to the floor as the morning sun hit her form. this is getting sexy. even people in the white house don't know what to do. "there is no war room preparing to deal with mr. mueller's findings. and the president's advisers are simply flying blind," said one person directly involved in the planning, who was not authorized to discuss it. ( laughter ) not authorized to discuss what? the nothing that no one is doing? "i cant say much, but... i've already said too much." ( laughter ) shhhh! he whispered as his breast heaved. >> jon: oh, my. >> stephen: i want to know how this story ends. i really want to know if they get it on. trump has had a lot of tweets going outside today,
starting with whatever was on "fox & friends." this time, it was the friends deliberately taking a jay leno quote out of context. and trump took their out-of-context quote out of context, tweeting: "jay leno points out that comedy-- on the very boring late-night shows-- is totally one-sided. it's tough when there's only one topic," @fox and friends. okay, let me stop right there. the comedy i do isn't one-sided. i can make fun of the president. from... every... angle. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ the tweet continued, "actually, the one-sided hatred on these shows is incredible, and for me, unwatchable.
but remember, we are number one-- president! " okay, okay. ( applause ) just a little correction. actually, we are number one-- "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! and i don't hate the president. i just don't trust him. like, i don't hate the 737 max 8. but i'm not getting on board. then, trump tweeted into hyper-speed, fingerscreaming: "make america great again!" followed 27 seconds later by "keep america great!" which means, obviously, that in
between those two tweets was the exact moment when america became great. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's just science! that's just math, jon. >> jon: it's an announcement. >> stephen: that's just math. >> jon: yeah, proclamation. >> stephen: so the question is what did trump see on fox news at 7:17 a.m.? well, we looked, and this is true: it was an arby's commercial. ( cheers and applause ) ( jon laughing ) "my god, look at those sandwiches. this is finally the america our founders envisioned. now it is our sacred duty to keep america as great as a jalapeno roast beef slider with horsey sauce. america...
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody, right there. come on now! >> stephen: jon, how you doing? >> jon: i'll good, good, how you doing. >> stephen: i'm great. we have patricia arquette here tonight. she'll be out in just a moment. brilliant actress.
have you seen "escape to dannemora." amazing performance. we're going to talk about it. folks, there's another new white house tell-all book coming out. at this point, there are so many tell-alls, we should start calling them "tell-somes." this one focuses on jared and ivanka, and it's called "kushner inc." "inc.," of course, short for "incompetent." ( laughter ) the book was written by reporter vicki ward. she is going to be my guest right over here on monday. and ward says jared and ivanka wanted to use all the privileges against a restriction on using air force planes. apparently, ivanka found a work-around by inviting cabinet-level officials on their trips, often including treasury secretary steve mnuchin. ooh, i feel for mnuchin here. he's like that weird kid you
befriend just because he has a pool. (as steve mnuchin) "too bad summer's over. we're still gonna hang out, though, right, jared, right ivanka? you guys are the best friends i've ever had. where you going?" i'll stay with my friends. the money. the book also reveals how ivanka defended her father after he sided with neo-nazis who marched in charlottesville, chanting, "jews will not replace us." ivanka said, "my dad's not a racist. he didn't mean any of it," adding, "that's not what he said." thing her father said on tape. i guess the tim apple doesn't fall far from the tree. but maybe-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ but maybe the biggest bombshell in this book is that at one point, trump wanted to fire both ivanka and jared. according to the book, right
after trump hired john kelly, he gave him this assignment: "get rid of my kids. get them back to new york," to which everyone in new york said, "quick! turn off the lights and pretend we're not home!" are they-- are they-- are they gone?" but, apparently, kelly said it would be too hard to fire them. instead, he and the president agreed that they would make life difficult enough to force the pair to offer their resignations, a plan that was actually successful at removing john kelly. we'll be right back with patricia arquette. stick around!
beautiful, beautiful. thank you, jon. folks, my first guest is an academy award winner you know from "boyhood," "medium," and "escape at dannemora." she now stars in the hulu series, "the act." >> wash all that stuff off of your face. >> she just did my makeup. >> hey, you are far too young for all of that paint, pretty girl. it's too grown-up for you. now scrub. scrub. >> girls wear makeup, mom. >> you're not like other girls. oh, sweet 53, i know sometimes you want to be like everybody else. but you know what? i like you special.
>> stephen: please welcome patricia arquette! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hi, y'all. ( cheers and applause ) hey! ( cheers ) >> stephen: hi. >> hello. >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> stephen: i never had a chance to interview you before. and i don't believe we've even-- even met before. >> well, i did give you the stink eye once. i have to say. it was years ago, when you had "the colbert report." >> stephen: i remember that. >> and i had only seen a little bit of it, but i believed your character. i believed -- >> stephen: i'm flattered. you thought i was that guy. >> i am a little vul-- gullible. but i did think you were that guy, and i happened to be at this th place and jon stewart was in front of me, some awards
thing, and he was like, "oh, stephen." and i was like, "oh, no, no." and he was like, "yeah, he's great." and i was like, "oh, no." "do you know who you're talking about?" >> stephen: did he correct you? >> he just looked at me like, "yeah, he's kidding. >> stephen: show-- show business. >> joking, comedy, like your grandfather. >> stephen: you're from a family of performers. by the way, how old were you when you first started performing? where do you fall in the family? >> i'm in the middle. when we were little kids we grew up in this hippie commune, and did little plays and stuff like that. >> stephen: excuse me, a hippie commune. >> yes. >> stephen: like long hair and tie dye, and free love. >> there really wasn't a lot of free love. it was a lot of married couples and kids. but it was still very hippie. when we were there, my brother started working with my grandfather's 16-millimeter
camera. so my first film was "james west." and i was five or six. it was a jewelry theft kind of movie. >> stephen: who were you? >> i was the lady, the wealthy woman, the five-year-old wealthy woman. ( laughter ) >> stephen: who has her jewelry store. >> at the resurant. i had my necklace snatched off of me. >> stephen: does this footage still exist? >> no, we can't find it. somewhere it exist s. >> stephen: have you looked on youtube? well, the new limited series on hulu is called "the act," as i was saying before. you've said that this is your year of playing complicated monster women. escape to dannemora," of course, is a complicated monster woman. but who is this woman? >> this woman-- it's based on this real story of jipsy and dee dee blanchard, and dee dee had munchausen by proxy which is
this very strange syndrome where you fake ill innocence your child and get procedures done on them for attention and to raise money and... >> stephen: for yourself. the parent will do it to get the attention for themselves. >> yeah. >> stephen: and that's-- that's-- this child that we're seeing-- is not actually ill that we saw in the clip just now. >> right. and it's really a fascinating story, this story. not only is it munchausen by proxy, which i always thought was an interesting strange phenomena, and it also it takes all these twists and turns in a real story and is constantly evolving in strange ways. >> stephen: while she manipulated her own daughter, dee dee is your character. do you-- do you see any of dee dee in yourself, like, as an actress, do you have to find some aspect of this mother's behavior in your own behavior towards your own children? >> yeah, i mean, as a moral-ish person. i mean, i think-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: i like the "ish." i like the "ish." i realize there are morals, ish.
>> i understand that's very shocking to me. it's against my morals. but i happen to get this part right when my daughter was going away to school. and i was like, "oh, my god, this lady flips out if her daughter leaves the room, is out of her eyesight. so i'm just going to take all of my missing my daughter and wishing she was here, and put it on to this part times 100,000." >> stephen: do you-- do you find as a parent to even be a good parent you have to manipulate your child a little bit? because as a parent i've thought-- because sometimes to get them to do the right thing-- i mean for good reasons, not for bad reasons. >> yeah. >> stephen: to get them to do the right thing you have to make them think it's their idea. >> well, i, to get them to eat vegetables i had to pretend that they were rabbit s. >> stephen: that your children were rabbits? >> yeah, and i was falling asleep." if you see a little rabbit around here don't let them eat my carrots rot. i'm going to take a quick nap but if you see mopsy around
here, wake me up." and they'd climb under the table and eat car rots. and i'd wake up, "that little rabbit was here." >> stephen: that's fantastic. and how old were the children in this scenario? >> i mean, i guess it stopped working around four. "enough, mom. i'm not eeght the carrot, no matter what you say." >> stephen: that's excellent manipulation. >> i thought it was pretty good. it worked. >> stephen: you have gotten some renown for-- "a," you have been honored with a lot of-- a lot of gold statues. >> you know. >> stephen: you have some good hardware. congratulations for that. >> thank you. >> stephen: just recently for escape to dannemora." congratulations for that. >> thank you. >> stephen: but you also have gotten some renown for the speeches you give. people remember them and recently for "escape to dannemora," you thanks robert mueller. >> as we all should. >> stephen: knock wood.
please-- >> ahhhhh! >> stephen: in fact, you actually have-- you actually have a robert mueller devotional candle. >> yes, i do. as we all this shhh. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i like-- yeah. >> apparently, a single mom created that. >> stephen: whether he's a saint or whether he's an extraterrestrial. >> it might take that to save us. >> stephen: yeah. also, you advocated famously in 2015, when you won the oscar for pay equity. >> and the e.r.a. let's not forget that. ( applause ) >> stephen:yes. >> stephen: that went over big, big in the room. that was actually-- that actually became a people-- meryl streep's reaction, that became a meme. her going like that. what has been the general response? do people talk to you about that? >> in general, it's been great. california senator hannah beth jackson said, "i call that my
overnight success. i have been working on that legislation and presenting it for 35 years. but you gave that speech and i passed unanimously the next week because you got the conversation going." >> stephen: that's beautiful, that's beautiful. >> and she said there have been 41 other laws, sister laws like that that passed across the country. we still have a long way to go. but i have had woman come up to me and say, "i love you." it's very effusive. and it's like, "no, my boss gave me thousands of dollars! i've been missing tens of thousands of dollars in my life. thank you! i love you." ( cheers and applause ) so lovely to meet you. we have to do this more often. "the act" premieres next wednesday on hulu. patricia arquette, everybody! we'll be right back with ian mcshane. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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( applause ) >> hello. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for asking me. >> stephen: you know, i don't think i-- we've never-- i've never interviewed you. >> no, we met the boring white house correspondents' dinner, the year before you did your blistering attack. >> stephen: oh, 2005. >> yeah. >> stephen: i was jake tapper's date. he was at abc at the time. >> and that was part of your bloomberg asked you along, and you meant to be at a table with a few politicians. and i was going to ask alan greenspan who was at the table about trickle-down economics theory but he was asleep before the soup hit the table. it was -- >> stephen: it's hard to know when alan greenspan is asleep. >> ask andrea, i guess. >> stephen: you were there for "deadwood" is probably what were you starting. and they bring the actors into that thing is like it's-- it's
like a petting zoo. they bring the actors in to be, like, sparkly. and you guys are unicorns, you know, the hollywood people are brought in to be attractive. >> yeah, but all they think we're idiots, the politicians. they all sit around-- but it's a good charity. it's a shame it's been canceled. it does that as well, doesn't it. that's what it's for. >> stephen: scholarships. >> but the person we must not talk about is not doing it anymore. >> stephen: must not be re-elected. ( cheers and applause ) >> in my case-- i can't really comment with what's going on in my country, you know. she who must not be re-elected. >> stephen: sure. >> wow, she made -- >> stephen: that is a cluster munch. >> brexit. unbelievable. it's all about ireland, you see. if ireland-- that's the problem. ireland sees customs borders going up again, you're back to the bad old days. don't do that. >> stephen: right, because there's an open border between the north and south-- absolutely. and the political backstop will be like a free agreement.
of course the breckisteers are all the rich english. "we'll manage now." the british think it's 1945 again after world war ii. but everybodiments to go back to the 50s. it's very weird, when everything is so wonderful. >> stephen: a small group of people-- >> i don't remember it being wonderful. >> stephen: you could go back to the 50s because you've been a leading man since 1952. we have a photo right here. is this from "the wild and the willing." this is you and one of my favorite actors, jon hurt. >> and samantha egger. right there. ( applause ) >> stephen: were you-- did you guys-- i understand you guys lived together? >> john and i had a flat together. he was leaving drama school that year. i had another term to go. and they couldn't find anybody to play this aggressive 19-year-old north country student to play the part. and john said, "i have somebody who is a friend of mine."
so i begged off the school. they asked me to go and audition. so i took a bus-- i took a bus to audition for a movie in those days. say, "hello, i've just come in my pine wood on the green bus for audition." "go that way" makeup. i got the part. and the next day i went to the drama school and said i lied. i did not go to the dentist. i went to an audition. and they said we might not get you a certificate. >> stephen: because you cut a class? >> they were being a little weird about it. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. he had already graduated and you were about to graduate. >> i left the term early. >> stephen: why does he look 12 and you look 35? >> do i? let's have a look. >> stephen: like you-- >> i was a very mature 19-year-old. >> stephen: you were. >> johnny and i remained friends until his untimely passing a couple of years ago. a great actor. >> stephen: what was he like even-- >> we did a lot of that
together, you know? >> stephen: waving? >> ahh-ha-ha. a lot of that. >> stephen: could you say to each other at the time, "we're going. we'll make it." >> we were put up in the white horse hotel in lincoln. and john said i'm called in the morning, first scene. and he came back-- i was having a coffee. he came back and said, "they sent me back. they can't see my eyes." >> stephen: season two of "american gods," premiered this sunday on starz. we have a clip here coming up. do you know what's on this clip? you're all in a car together. >> it's the follow-up to the last episode of last season when i declare-- by the way, mr. wednesday. it's my day today. lucky number. mr. wednesday, and he has just declared himself to shadow, who is this guy he's hooked up with and hired as his chauffeur. but he is actually oden, god of
all gods, the one eye-- whatever. he thinks he's got shadow to himself, shadow finally believes. up pops the dead wife who says, "excuse me. i'd like a word with my husband." this picks upon, literally, later when they're in the car going to the house, and the relationship is like, "i'm going to throw this wife out because she's dead and she smells a bit, you know." >> stephen: jim. >> isn't this fun? i still don't understand how such a sweet old man could have so many enemies. >> oh, it's perfectly simple mierk dear, jealousy. pure, unmitigated jealousy. they all want what i have-- a good time wherever i go. >> the original good time had by all. >> and i get to ride along with you. i must be the luckiest girl in the world. >> you are. it's my bloody luck you're feeding on, dead wife.
>> (bleep)! ( applause ) matt sweeneyy the tallest leprechaun in the world. >> stephen: ian, it was lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. >> it was a pleasure, stephen. good to see you. "american gods" airs sundays on starz. ian mcshane, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by strand of oaks featuring jason isbell and amanda shires. stick around. i can't believe it. that we're playing "four on four" with a barbershop quartet? [quartet singing] bum bum bum bum... pass the ball... pass the rock..
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♪ ♪ ♪ gold mellow days when the lights ♪ strips the haze a little distraction ♪ from your worries and ruby was your eyes ♪ ruby what a nice surprise if you wanna dream ♪ then dream with me put down your mind ♪ light up and shine reach out of me and feel it ♪ gonna make your move and act like a fool ♪ quit holding back and waiting for the ending ♪ my mind was erased
blame it all on your fate ♪ if you wanna live then live with me ♪ and we can choose to make lover or lose ♪ if you're not done dreaming then dream with me ♪ put down your mind light up and shine ♪ reach out of me and feel it gonna make your move ♪ and act like a fool quit holding back and waiting ♪ for the ending to begin ruby, won't you slow it down ♪ it's happening so fast ruby, won't you pull me back
♪ i'm living in the past ruby, won't you slow it down ♪ it's happening so fast ruby, won't you pull me back ♪ i'm living in the past ruby, won't you slow it down ♪ it's happening so fast ruby, won't you pull me back ♪ i'm living in the past i said ruby won't you ♪ slow it down it's happening so fast ♪ ruby, won't you pull me back i'm living in the past ♪ i said all that you give me
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