tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 14, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
we'll have the very latest tomorrow morning beginning at 4:30. >> we'll see you then. have a great night. captioning sponsored by cbs in closed door testimony you proked an email which he proves trump dangled a pardon to keep him kie et, it reads sleep well tonight, you have friends in high places, however the attorney who wrote the email says it was merely a reference to the garth brooks songk even though that song is titled friends in low places. >> fears of obstruction of justice, now there is a collection of garth brook songs you can use as a legal excuse. introducing now that's what i call an alibi. the greatest cover songs to cover your ass. you will get all of grart
brook's misquoted hits like ain't going down so keep your mouth shut. we know where your father-in-law lives. and of course, friends in high places. >> cuz you got friends in high places. ♪ you committed crimes. ♪ ♪ you can do but keep your mouth shut. ♪ cuz you got friends in high places. ♪ now that's what i call an alibi. call today, no emails or text, we don't want a paper trail. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. -- .
plus we welcome christine baranski and adam kinzinger. and stay human, and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert plaws. >> stephen: whooo! hello. how are you? (applause). >> stephen: welcome, to the late show, i'm your host, stephen colbert. thank you, thank you. thank you for joining us on day 28 of donald trump's national emergency. we tha we are calling press one for english. press two por muerto.
national emergency emergency edition. today sarah held up a magazine an spanked trump in the oval office. under the national emergency law after the president declares a national emergency congress can vote to disapprove it. and many republicans announced they were going to vote against it like kentucky senator and man who just saw his hair in the mirror, rand paul. he thought there was a forest animal on his head. rand paul said congress should declare a war on congress, should spend the money, those are two bed rock constitutional principles that has nothing to do with the president t has to do with the constitution. sure but still, has to feel pretty good to vote against the guy that said this about about you. >> i never attacked him on his looks and believe me there is plenty of sunt matter right
there. talk about the pot calling the kettle plenty of subject matter. wow. >> jon: cold, cold. >> stephen: trump pulled out all the stops to change their minds tweeting senators have a very easy vote this week. it's all about border security and the wall. not constitutionality of president is an 08% positive issue, the dems are 100 percent united as usual, on a 20% issue, open borders and crimes, get tough. r's. (applause) arrr, trump channeling his inner pirate. arrr, shiver me timbers, if you don't fall in line, i will make
you walk the plank and you can't be mad at me for saying that, it is just daveee jones locker room talk. arrr. and grab them by the polly wants a cracker. yesterday, yesterday, yesterday in the white house tweeted this scare video. (laughter) okay, okay, pretty scary stuff. but i with point out you can't:do that with anything, so we did. (laughter)
good afternoon, the senate rejected the border emergency he declaration, 59 to 41. yeah. i mean the last time trump lost a vote that badly he was elected president. (laughter) thank you. but trump should be proud of one thing, he made history here. because congress has now voted to block a presidential emergency declaration for the first time. congratulations, mr. president. another thing, and another thing to add to the list of your presidential firsts along with siding with nazis and misspelling hamburgers. trump had a long promised to veto this bill. sure enough just minutes after the reallieds came in, he tweeted veto! if trump carries out this tweet, he will be the first veto of his
presidency. though not the first time he didn't take no for an answer. now under the law-- sor hee, true story. now under the law the president can declare an emergency then congress can say it's not really an emergency. and the president can veto that. the president established in the landmark case nuh-uh v yeah huh. and here is the thing, it is constitutional policy here 6789 trump took away the power of the purse from congress. they said you can't do that. trump is going to say yes, i can. doesn't seem like there is any check or balance here and one constitutional scholar is thot taking this well. >> i'm just a bill snroat yes i'm only a bill. ♪ and i'm sitting here on-- ah, screw it! aahhhh. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, actual footage. we didn't make that up. yeah, story.
i'm sorry that is how you found out. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: americans also have yet to vote on whether to oppose donald trump as the election in the next two years how long are we out, year and a half, two years, something like that. who knows, at some point we get to vote. and today another democrat entered the 2020 presidential race. i will tell you all about it in tonight's doing it dngy style. donkey style. (applause) it seems like every day a new democrat jumps in the 2020 race. here's from "the new york times," we didn't make thup, everyone who "the new york times" says is running or might run t is way too many to process. you know how i know how? because i put voldemort in there and you didn't even notice. right down there.
so obviously that is a joke, voldemort is libertarian. (laughter) this time first jumping in is former texas congressman-- (cheers and applause) and what john kerry sees in the mirror, beto o'rourke. beto formally announced his campaign today with a video on twitter. >> amy and i are happy to share with you that i am running to serve you as the next president of the united states of america. the only way for us to live up to the promise of america is to give it our all and to give it for all of us. we are truly now more than ever the last great hope of earth. >> jon: that's huge. >> stephen: that's soaring rhetoric right there. reminded me of the end of independence day. >> we're going to live on. we're going to survive.
today we celebrate-- . >> >> stephen: every time, every time. he seems like a nice guy. the announcement video was accompanied by a profile in "vanity fair" where he made it clear he is just a humble ordinary man preordained to be president saying i want to be in it, man, i'm just born to be it in. it this is america, sir, nobody is born to be the presidency, just ask grornlg w bush, john quincy adams or timmy van burin. he gushed about his speech writing ability, i got in there, and i don't know if it is speech or not but it felt a paizing because every word was pulled out of me like some, some greater force, which was just the people. there everything that i said, i was like watching myself being
like, how am i saying this stuff. where is this coming from. adding also i've never dieted. i just decide sto lose weight and it falls off, i mean i could eat ice cream and hamburgers also i picked up a guitar and i could just play. right after the announcement, beto went to iowa where he spoke to voters in a coffee shop. >> in texas we have a problem with broadband in rural communities. people cannot start businesses in their hometowns or finish their education after high school because they can't get online. they can't go to tinder and find a dated tonight, to find that special person that can make the difference in their lives. i want to make sure every american has that opportunity. >> stephen: when i'm in the white house i want to make sure every american has the ability to swipe right for a late night hookup. so they can smash with a stone cold hottie. maybe i will be on there. who knows. (applause)
we didn't get a lot of spefngs but we got a sneak back at his renewable energy plan, the wind given off by his hand gesture, he has active hands, is he always giving a big speech, it caught the eye of the president without weighed in from the oval office. >> he's got a lot of hand movement. i have never seen so much hand movement. is it crazy or is that just the way he acts. so i have never seen hand movement. >> stephen: beto's hand movements are crazy. why, why, why. i don't know why. for the last few days the president has gotten up early and complained about the late night talk shows. today was no exception. he tweeted very weak and
untalented late night hosts are fighting over table scraps, i don't know what they are going to do it in 2020 when is he no longer president, will be wacky in the unemployment line. >> stephen: first of all, sir, three very weak and untalented wait night hosts t is not just 11:30 on network, james corden, seth miers, sam bee, conan, deesus, mero, are just as weak and untalented as me and the devil jimmy jim. i mean for pete sake, for pete's sake, john oliver is so weak he has to wear a hidden wailbone strut in his jacket just to hold up his giant british noggin. and what do you mean what are we going to do when are you not president 6789 well, first there's the parade. (laughter)
then-- then there is the national orgy. (laughter) and then i'm thinking maybe a sandwich and a nap. wait a minute, wacky in the unemployment line? first, thank you for mentioning my favorite three stooges shorts. but there were late night shows before were you president, there will be late night shows after are you gone. just watch and see. if the ward earn gives you tv privileges. we have a great show four tonight. place (applause) the late show with stephen colbert sponsored by:
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. >> stephen: standing over there, and i was-- in its today news, sometimes i like to take the left over frosting and put it in a pastry bag and pipe that into the news cannoli that is my segment. meanwhile, meanwhile, people, the people they jones for it.
>> yes, yes. >> stephen: they do meanwhile, in 2020 election news democrats have picked milwaukee to host their 2020 national convention but some are concerned milwaukee hotel room inventory can't handle the convention which could draw 50,000 visitors, if they do run out of rooms, congratulations to whatever milwaukee residentses to get to have bernie sanders crash on their couch. excuse me, don't want that 2% milk, also a also ate 100 percent of your pop tarts. when meanwhile, meanwhile fedex is about to launch a new delivery robot, there it is. right here. boom. pretty cool. they said they will test the robot in mem sis-- memphis this summer where teenagers definitely will not kick it
over. (laughter) they add the top speed of 10 miles per hour and can car hee about a hundred pounds which will remain consistent since teenagers will definitely not ride it like a gal app goes tortoise while spray painting pictures of penises on it and it can handle sand, graph el and shallow water but it does not need to because teenagers definitely will not throw this thing down a storm drain. (laughter) meanwhile, meanwhile, it will be missed. meanwhile in sporting news, los angeles dodgers pitcher joe kelly injured himself last week because of his back which stifned after he spent five hours on his feet preparing a crawfish boil for a team dinner. good news, good news, kelly has made a full recovery, even better news, i am in better
shape than a pinch-- pitcher from the dodgers. meanwhile-- meanwhile in just terrible idea news, a british company introduced a wearable pennist cam-- pins camera, there it is-- penis camera, there st. good god i assume to record nothing because once you reveal you are are wearing a penis camera, you are definitely not having sex. it comes with high-tech features with built in night vision is day or night you can capture the exact moment your loved one picked up the phone and called their lawyer. mean while, a town in vermont just elected a female goat named lincoln as its honorary mayer seen here in her office, see how
excited lincoln is, she is going to the theater tonight. lincoln-- . >> jon: wow, wow, oh. >> stephen: too soon. no. lincoln was sworn in just this past week and at the ceremony she committed her first official act as mayer by defecate on the floor. now i would love to say that poops on the floor of a government building is a historic first but i can't. (laughter) really, that's too far, really. meanwhile, a koala named rogue is known as the world's sexiest koala becoming a viral sensation and here's why. hello! that is the sweet marsupial,
tear me off a piece of that pouch. cheesier plawses g'day, its name's rogue what do you say we visit the land down under. and you put the lips back in eucalyptus. maybe we can go out back and you can bloom my onion. i think the impression is is there. nice to see the koala get some attention us as the species is in trouble duece to the massive threat that this koala's chlamydia poses to the animals, well, i think we found our culprit. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: hello. >> hello. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> st lovely to sigh, i love doing your show. >> stephen: i love having you on the show because you are a mieses tro. >> a mace troa. >> stephen: like are you a total pro. just on stage and screen, there is not a wasted movement with you. >> not a wasted movement, okay. >> stephen: and i am not the only one who noticed am are you just, are you absolutely just dripping with awards. and you just got a really great one. there is a picture of you receiving your place in the theater hall of fame. (applause) >> yeah, i have to say, that is me trying to speak through tears because i was so moved by that award because you don't get a theatre hall of fame award or recognition unless you have spent a good deal of time on the
board, it is not for one performance, it is for years of work in the theater. you know, most of my career was the theater, i didn't start doing television until i was in in my 40s working for cbs. >> stephen: do you have early memories of wanting to be on stage, like walking in and saying i want to be up there. >> would you believe my grandparents were actors in the-- theater in buffalo. >> stephen: i did not know that buffalo had a hot theater stage. >> well, they did back then there was a really strong polish-american theatre community and they had, theater was in poicial. they did plays in polish and musicals and my grandparents were actual actors. i didn't know my grandmother passed away before i was born but my grandmother lived with us. i shared a bedroom with my nana and she was like an anti-maim type, just color clothes and-- colorful clothes, darling.
she actually wrote her own comedy show on polish radio. so-- . >> stephen: a regular comedy show on polish radio. >> yes. real polish jokes. >> stephen: did she teach you jokes. >> unfortunately polish jokes aren't, you know, not those kind of polish joke, not the light bulb kind of jokes, no, because i didn't speak polish, although we had a by ling yal household. >> stephen: did she tell you the jokes and you would laugh just to make her feel good. >> i was fairly little, but i remember her so pondly. the theater hall of fame, i wish hi mentionerred nana because she had a great influence on my life. >> stephen: this is your tenth year playing diane lockhart. >> st. the good fight, the good fight, and people that followed this show and you over to cbs all access. i mean this is, i think this is
the biggest hit on cbs all access. >> it was the first show that was done cbs all access because this is a new way of watching television, cbs decided to jump on board and do a streaming service. and we were the first show. and it premiers tonight. >> stephen: get it now. >> get it now. >> stephen: and the show is a hit, like all the end of the year, i loved this past year. >> we were called the best show on television by entertainment weekly just last week. >> stephen: boom there it is. >> it was a wonderful segue because you know, i played this character for seven years on the good wife. and she's intelligent, well dressed, accomplished lawyer. she was the woman who was like in the room where it happens. she knew how to wield power and now she's in the good fight and it is a moment in time where women are actually like, that
kind of woman is moving into positions of power. we have how many, six women running in the presidential race and decided to run for president, we have ruth bader ginsburg and nancy pelosi. it is a good time. it is a good time to be a strong lady of a certain age. get out of here, we're taking over, cleaning up. >> stephen: well, are you great at playing a powerful woman because you are a powerful woman yourself, what is the key to protecting power? >> do nothing thrk is something i had to learn playing dianne because you think you have to work hard at projecting your strength and your power. but if you think about it, a king, right, king or queen, they just sit there, right. everybody has to come to them. >> stephen: everybody else moves. >> when are you clint eastwood, you don't move, the camera comes
to us. all have i to do is-- say make my day. boom. (applause) the longer i'm on this show, the faster i talk, by season 15 the sort offer i talk by season 15 you won't hear me. >> stephen: we have a clip here. >> okay,. >> stephen: michael sheen you probably already know this, but you know that michael sheen had a name for his penis. and you know this story. >> do i know this story? it follows me everywhere. >> stephen: i just-- i did not know, do you want to tell the people. >> you tell them please. >> stephen: he called his penis the great countries stin-- christine baranski. >> okay, this needs clarification. >> stephen: it sure does.
>> michael sheen told me the first, and it was its first thing we played together in the middle of shooting in between takes, he said you know about that line, he said i had nothing to do with that, his then girl sphrend sarah silverman who is extremely white and smart, but she put that on twitter, whatever. and it went viral. she said hi nothing to do with it. >> stephen: oh. i wouldn't say a viral pennist not a good idea. >> but let me say this, he is a marvelous actor and we had him for one season, he plays the this roger stone type and he is larger-than-life. and he comes in like a benevolent gale force wind. he infects the firl in a way that trump-- that it is part of our show and a force to be dealt with. so anyway this is a cliep and is
he marvelous. >> stephen: jim. >> you have managed to stick your fangs into most of my colleagues and that gives you a high because you are a-- . >> you are you are pathological. i guarantee tu is not going to work. >> because you are the light that drives out the darkness. >> no, because your tactics will work and i'm happy to become you. and now just get the [bleep] out of my way. plaws plaws this is (applause) >> this is why we are not on network television any more. >> stephen: i forgot you get to say the bad words. >> we do. we don't use it often but it is wonderful when are you so lady like and every so often you drop that word. it has real impact.
>> stephen: you not only lady like but your intellect, are you studying at oxford again. what courses are you taking. >> okay, this summer i'm taking a course on the duke of wellington. >> stephen. >> waterloo, and a course on the meaning of life. >> stephen: will you pleas come back and tell us what it is. >> well, i will. i thought it was a good time to take a course on the meank of life and just puta and stop watching cable news and just get reflective and figure it all out. and i will, i will tell you. >> stephen: please, season 3 of the good fight premiers today and new episodes thursday on cbs all access, christine baranski, everybody. we'll be right back. with adam kinzinger. ♪
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>> is that part of the definition of not an emergency to me. >> i went down there. and first i will say this, it was just an immigration issue. i done think it would rise to a national emergency. but what i saw in terms of drugs, in terms of human trafficking, really, the car tell in mexico make money on two product, trafficking humans and trafficking drugs and those are the biggest things we have to fight and that is coming across over the border. so i look at that and say when you have coyotes who are these guides from the car tell bringing people and abandoning them in the middle of the desert if they here a chopper blade and motor and leaving people out, there are 200 people found dead in the deserts ef-- every year, that is not compassion, compassion is shaiferg a secure board earn and saying let's work together to have a generous immigration that is welcoming and open to people and let's make the people that are here illegally, we're not going to deport them. let's be straight up so let's get a pathway to legalization so they can become americans
themselves. >> stephen: that is not the most popular opinion in your party, that gets people in trouble for saying that. >> i will tell you, i think honestly if we did this, 80% of the american people would support it. we just can't get past our corners. everybody is in the corners. we can't give the other side a win, that is the problem with politics. >> stephen: politics is, shocking for power and often shocking to maintain your power. how do you think you can get to some sort of centrist behavior? are there centrists-- are you a centrist. >> i would consider myself yeah, i'm a could be conservative but i'm willing to work with everybody. >> stephen: you voted with the president 93% of the time. it seems like are you-- i'm just curious s that centrist? that it is not 100 percent. >> i consider myself a conservative but i think, when i look at center, people that are willing to work together to govern.
now-- . >> stephen: you know, you think of-- actually this is i secret in washington, we all actually get along really well. unfortunately we don't show that to the cameras, because whenever we are on the cameras trk is a debate. there are some people i don't like. but that is just personal. >> stephen: does it rhyme with fed cruise. >> we have to take a break. please stay, we will be right back because when we come back i'm going to grill him over something, i don't know. come on back. the ross spring dress event is here-finally!
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>> i have gotten to know the presidentment i have met with the president a number of times in the oval office. and i've gotten to see his heart. i mean after syria, when the president made the decision to pull all the troops out of syria, i talked to him about that. i said that is the wrong decision. i saw in his eyes, i really felt the weight he was about to do and he reversed his decision on it. >> stephen: what is the status now of u.s. troops in syria. >> i mean who knows. we are keeping a couple hundred troops in there. >> well, we change every day, you know that. leaving syria, we are staying in. >> why do you trust him if you can't know what he means. >> it's not him. >> he's commander in chief. >> you're hearing it every different day. it sounds like we're staying in, that is the final thing, getting
intelligence to find out and block iran's position. >> would you know better than i because you are still reserve in the military. my understanding is that the military, the pentagon was not informed at all. so it sounds to me like the indecision or the doubt comes from the president's decision not the pentagon's position. >> yeah, he just came out one day and tweeted. it surprised me. i twitted that too. >> trust worthy leadership to you. >> the president can make that decision as commander in chief. >> it is someone's responsible to pushback. >> are you at all confused by people's confusion, quite seriously. are you confused by people's confusion at republicans behavior in response to the president. because he seems to break a lot
of long time worn rep an rules. >> right. >> makes you understand this is i's republican position, personal mrallity, family values, might be a hearing for the constitution, not having too much executive overreach, deferring to the decisions of the general. >> i don't trust him because i don't understand. and what we don't understand, we fear. >> all i can say tor for me, i got elected by 700,000 people which is every time i think of it ising, a middle class kid whose dad ran a homeless shelter and sand said all i do every day best can i is say i will do what is right. if that means calling the president on something like i did with president obama, then have i to, if it means have i to support the president with something like i did with president obama too, sometimes that cost me in eye own party, just dot right thing because ultimately i'm not going to be in congress the rest of my life. >> stephen: you don't like the job. >> to be quite honest, anybody
that tells you they love the job is either crazy or lying to you, but you believe in it. you really believe in what you are doing, but it is hard, you know. i went from a job as a military pilot where 95% of americans love you to one where 95% of americans des pies you and think are you always not telling the truth. >> stephen: so a congressman says they love the josh they are crazy or lying. >> the president says he loves his job, is he crazy or lying. >> good one. >> stephen: congressman kinzinger, everybody. we'll be right bac
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be donnie wahlberg and playwright heidi schreck. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show