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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 20, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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colbert is next. >> our next newscast tomorrow morning at 30. have captioning sponsored by cbs >> welcome to cbs sports. i'm larry boberry. >> and i'm gary nanafanafoferry. >> well, grandma's got a mouse cornered, and the cat's making oatmeal. democratic presidential march madness is under way. in the north, we have elizabeth warren, the former okie fighting for people who are brokey, versus bernie sanders, the 1% crusher and infrequent hair brusher who do you like? >> warren is a student of the game, and from what i understand, she has one heck of a tomahawk dunk, if you know what i mean. >> i do not. >> in the west, we have former colorado governor john hickenlooper versus a bucket of vowels. >> anybody who's anybody is running, which is why i'm announcing my candidacy for president. >> me, too!
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>> can't wait to gut you like a fish during the debate. >> and i approve of this message. you suck! >> ha-ha, that i do! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, mueller mia. plus, stephen welcomes paul giamatti senator doug jones and comedian, aparna nancherla plus a special appearance by alexandria ocasio-cortez featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how are you? welcome, everybody. please! hello, you lovely people. hello, you lovely people.
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welcome one and all, in here, out there, all around the planet. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. happy wednesday! or as some call it, "thursday's friday." everyone is breathlessly waiting for the mueller report to come out. and there have been signs today that it might, maybe, possibly, definitely, or not be released soon, because we just learned that one of mueller's prosecutors "has concluded her detail," making her the third senior member of mueller's team whose plans have been confirmed in recent weeks to leave. you know what that means. probably something. ( laughter ) one imagines. >> jon: it has to mean something. >> stephen: it can't mean nothing. >> jon: everything happens for a reason.
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>> stephen: as politico put it, "neither mueller nor his justice department supervisors have said anything official about the conclusion of the special counsel's investigation. but the clues continue to pile up that at least the most high-profile parts of mueller's work are done." it's like we're three-quarters of the way through a "scooby-doo" episode. ( laughter ) just pull the mask off the monster, okay. we know it's old man trump! (as trump) "i would've gotten away with it, too, if i wasn't totally guilty!" but some of the clues-- ( cheers and applause ) ru-ro! but some of the clues are pointing to the investigation not being over. for instance, yesterday, the justice department made an announcement about the future of deputy attorney general and guy whos 23andme came back 100% don knotts, rod rosenstein. rosenstein has indicated that he's not leaving his post until the mueller report is delivered,
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and we just found out that rosenstein is staying on at the justice "a little longer" than anticipated. a little longer? we've been anticipating a long time. it's like we've been watching a porno for two years, and they're still ordering the pizza. ( laughter ) "um, actually, i'm not sure i need extra sausage. yeah. and i'm paying cash. make sure the driver brings change, okay. i don't want to pay for this in any other way. thank you. ooh, garlic knots." ( laughter ) now, we've been on high mueller alert since cnn made this stunning revelation on february 21: >> a big shout out has to go to our amazing stakeout team who is out in front of the special counsel's office, literally every single day, rain and snow. and they saw last week that in an unusual move, they were carting out boxes from the office, something that they
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hadn't seen before. >> stephen: yes, cnn is stalking robert mueller, especially wolf blitzer. (as blitzer) "in your eyes, the light. the heat. anderson?" ( applause ) the media has to look for whatever signs they can find, because the mueller team has been completely silent. it's like trying to divine messages from the great volcano god. which, come to think of it, is exactly what mueller looks like. mueller better drop his report soon, okay. the media is going to go crazy looking for signs. "we staked out robert mueller's kitchen garbage. he had bran flakes for breakfast. possibly a sign he wants to get things moving. ( laughter ) but then a flock of crows flew over his house. a sign of darkness. that, and the great mueller demands a sacrifice.
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so tonight, don lemon will be tossing himself into the volcano." but even when mueller's report is finished, we might not see it. first, it goes to attorney general and frog who ate john goodman, william barr. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's-- it's-- it's his decision from there as to what he wants to make public. but now, white house lawyers are saying they plan to review whatever version of the report barr submits to congress before it reaches lawmakers and the public-- you know, the way we let criminals edit their own indictment. "let's see here, manslaughter? arson? i think he died of a flaming misunderstanding." ( laughter ) the lawyers also plan to request redactions based on claims of executive privilege. by the time they're done with it, the report will look like this: only two words: which, hunt.
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( cheers and applause ) why was the word "hunt in the report?" you know how time works. every day we get closer to the 2020 election, and the democrats have narrowed their choices down to everyone. ( laughter ) right here. right here. these, my friends, are the democrats that "the new york times" says are running or thinking of running. if you see your face in here, i'm sorry you had to find out this way. ( laughter ) mmm! mmm! bernie sanders, talcum powder and smoked whitefish. ( applause ) as always, i'll break down the hot dem-on-dem action in tonight's installment of "doin' it donkey style." with so many people in the race,
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democrats are already peacocking in order to stand out. i mean, just look at bernie's beautiful plumage. ( laughter ) puff it up. but candidates without a signature hairstyle have been experimenting with signature issues. for example, massachusetts senator and friend's mom who even comes to your graduation, elizabeth warren. warren held a town hall this week in the quaint little town of "cnn," where she proposed apolicy that was a real crowd pleaser. >> my view is that every vote matters. we can have national voting, and that means get rid of the electoral college and everybody-- ( applause ) yup. everybody! >> stephen: sure, they liked it, but come on. if you get rid of the electoral college, you turn the election
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into some kind of popularity contest. ( laughter ) but-- it's a chin stroker. it's a stroker. now, when it comes to the democrats, of course, the 400-pound donkey in the room is former vice president and grandpa about to score with the denny's waitress, joe biden. even though he's leading in the polls, biden still needs something to stand out. one option he's reportedly considering is actually running for president. another is selecting a running mate early. it is adorable that joe biden thinks the thing everyone really cares about is who the vice president is going to be. (as biden) "new v.p., pretty exciting, huh, guys? i mean, that's what all we remember from the last presidency, am i right? barack who?"
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( applause ) one candidate really struggling to stand out is tech entrepreneur and business casual bro, andrew yang. yang has already made a name for himself by supporting a universal basic income, which means he proposes a set of guaranteed payments of $1,000 per month to all u.s. citizens over the age of 18. $1,000 a month could change a lot of people's lives. for one thing, i'd finally get paid $12,000 a year for my poetry. ( laughter ) but, recently, yang picked up another signature issue that's on the tip of everyone's... well, you'll see. because on twitter, he was asked, "do you have an opinion on routine infant circumcision?" to which yang replied, "negative on it." to which @jellyfishrave replied, "just to be clear, is that a negative, as in you're against the practice-- which i'm assuming-- or negative as in you have no opinion? thanks!" and yang specified, "against the practice."
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that is some real journalistic due diligence from @jellyfishrave. so, yang has taken a public stand that he wants to keep male genitals intact. i can see the yard signs now: "andrew yang for a better wang!" ( cheers and applause ) that was a long walk. but 100% worth it. long walk to the wang. and yang thinks this is an important voting bloc for him, saying of the anti-circumcision movement, "i'm highly aligned with the intactivists," not to be confused with the tti isere!ring movement: thesh y bufit, i a some tions to alexandria ocasio-cortez.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: don't worry about a thing. i love it. i love it. welcome back, everybody. give it up for the band right there. come on, that's the becht band on tuesday. happy wednesday, right. happy wednesday, jon. happy-- happy wednesday. >> jon: happy wednesday. >> stephen: happy hump day, my friend. our dear friend, one of my favorite people to interview, my-- my-- my brother from another science fiction mother, paul giamatti is here tonight. he's fantastic in the show the "billions"? just "billions." on showtime. very excited about that.
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as you know, right now, one of the biggest names in politics is congresswoman alexandria ocasio-cortez. ( cheers and applause ) there you have it. that proves it right there. that tears it. there she is, right there. also, it's one of the longest names in politics. ever since she took office in january, she's been making headlines by doing everything from spearheading the green new deal to leading the fight against amazon's plan for a new york headquarters-- amazon's most dramatic pull-out not described in a jeff bezos text. ( laughter ) this young, progressive democratic socialist has really energized her fan base: anchors trying to scare people on fox news. >> it's o-scary-o cortez trying to scare and frighten. the world is ending. >> she wants to get rid of children, airplanes, and cows >> and health insurance! >> is it okay to still have children? well, i don't know, alexandria. can we? you're the boss now. if you say we can't reproduce the species, of course we won't. it's your call!
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>> stephen: i think i speak for everyone when i say, "tucker, please don't reproduce." ( cheers and applause ) so, we're good. we're goods. so with "a.o.c"-- as i call her to save time-- raising so many questions, i thought it was time to let members of my staff ask her questions of their own. which means it's time for another edition of "the late show's" "just one question." >> what's the most surprising thing about washington? >> hmmm... i think it might actually be how little it takes to shake things up a lot. >> if you could change one thing about washington, what would it be? >> i think i'd make everyone relax a little bit more. >> how does it feel to be the youngest member of congress?
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>> a little lonely, actually. no one here knows who drake is. >> how would medicare for all even work? >> well, you know, medicare? >> yeah... >> extend it to everybody. >> okay. we're cool. >> do you consider yourself the new face of the democratic party? >> i don't know about that. but i am proud to say i'm the new face of cap'"n" crunch. >> molly ring would here. i saw this video of you dancing in college, and i was just wondering, where did you learn those cool moves. >> i saw it in oldovierest club" it's pretty old. i'm kind of surprised it was in color. >> okay. thanks. >> do you have anything in common with mitch mcconnell? >> yeah, we both have an awkward relationship with mitch mcconnell. ( laughter )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with paul giamatti! that's when i knew i had to quit. for real this time. that's why i'm using nicorette. only nicorette gum has patented dual-coated technology for great taste. plus intense craving relief. every great why, needs a great how. [indistinct conversation] [friend] i've never seen that before. ♪ ♪ i have... ♪ [whistle] ♪ hold up! nelson, you smell great.
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♪ might be over now, but i feel it still ♪ ♪ might've had your fill, but you feel it still, ooh woo ♪ ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an emmy-award winning actor who stars in the critically acclaimed series "billions." please welcome paul giamatti! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> oh! wow! that's exciting. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> yes, thank you very much. >> stephen: always a pleasure to have you on the show. >> it's my pleasure.
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thank you. >> stephen: fourth season-- fourth season of the "billions." >> correct. >> stephen: on the showtime. longer role of your career, indeed? >> for sure. it's definitely the thing i've done for the longest, yes, yes. >> stephen: now is it-- is it-- >> i generally get fired before every four years. >> stephen: or just nailed it on the first episode. >> exactly. >> stephen: is doing it for this long, does that make it harder or easier? >> both. you know, i mean, you get really accustommedly to the role. you get real comfortable with it. >it. >> stephen: sure. >> and you get too accustomed to the role. you lose sense of what's going on. basically in this show where there is so much crap happening all the time. >> stephen: there's inteague and double-crossing. >> triple crossing, quadruple crossing. they constantly have to tell me what's going on. >> stephen: before you go on stage, "where am i saying this?" >> "why is chuck rhodes going
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out here?" and the constant memorization of lines is really weird. i spend pretty much-- you'll find me any day of the week sitting alone in my living room just learning lines, just talking to myself. and i i've now acquired the habit of talking to myself all the time. my son-- i'm talking to myself all the time. my son, if he didn't think i was insane before, he's convinced i'm completely out of my (bleep) mind all the time. i'm sorry. >> stephen: this? showtime. >> that's right. it's not after hours. i'm so sorry. see, that's exactly it. see, i'm so comfortable with the role. >> stephen: you've gotten too close-- >> i've gotten to comfortable. >> stephen: is it a lot of it jargon? you have legal jargon. you have wall street jargon. >> the language itself is almost like it's jargon. these people talk in an incredibly elevated way-- my guy does. i have some legal stuff. i have some financial stuff. i don't have the burden that
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damien lewis or some of the other guys have to do. that would really drive me out of my mind. i would be much worse if i had to do that. >> stephen: we have a clip from next week's episode. can you explain what we're about to see? >> i don't even i remember. >> stephen: i can tell you who's in it. you're in it. >> i'm in it. >> stephen: and damien lewis is in tand you guys seem to be plotting something. >> perfect. that's show the. you just encapsulated the entire show. >> stephen: there has to be more. what are you plotting? >> i'm talking to him about trying to take somebody out, like a crooked cop, or raul, this character who is a crooked cop. and he and i are sort of buddies now. >> stephen: like the riddler and the joker. >> i'd rather be the riddler. >> stephen: oh, i thought maybe you'd want to be batman. aren't you the cop? >> you flatter me. >> stephen: aren't you the one who is the legal one? >> i am the legal one, but i'm
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the weirder, sicker, twisted one. >> stephen: that's true. james, please. >> what happens to you if i take down raul gomez? >> i prefer that didn't happen. and i appreciate the gesture of you coming here to ask. >> but we can't just leave it there. because as i said-- >> you've been tasked. >> i have. >> is there some other way to satisfy your task mast or this? >> he seems to feel raul is using the pension fund the way chris stapleton uses tennessee whiskey-- to schick his thirst. >> he's not. not in the way your man thinks he is if the solution presents, yes? >> oh. ninetanyahnefarious. nefarious. a deal is being cut. a deal is being made. >> stephen: the first time i had you on this to talk about the first season, i told you how
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embarrassed i was to watch the first episode, the opening scene, with my wife and children because you were-- >> hog tied. >> stephen: hog tied on the floor and getting your ass kicked for sexual pleasure. >> and getting urinated on. >> stephen: that was the part that was most enjoyable to watch. thank you very much. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: well, what i did not know was that it was a-- it was a hint of things to come in american political life. ( laughter ) >> prescient, prescient. >> stephen: is there more of that? have you branched out? are there other forms of s& l? >> yes tcontinue s. >> stephen: it continues, good. >> he goes down some strange things on his own and he sort of starts self-harming at a cerin point, which is a whole thing, i gather, that these people do-- i wouldn't know. but definitely it's a thing they do. i had to do a kind of self-harming thing to myself. and it was very weird to do.
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i had to actually do this thing to myself because otherwise it wouldn't work on camera. >> stephen: what was the thing? do you mind if i ask? >> i suppose i can say it. evidently, some of these people when they want to give themselves a thrill during the day wear tight rubber bands on their thigh, so they can reach down-- you could be right here-- and reach under and go like that. i had to do that. so i had to really pull them up and snap them down. and it hurt like a mother (bleep). ( laughter ). >> stephen: it doesn't help if you whisper! we're not-- it-- wisp irg doesn't help! do you understand? >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: any other word-- >> it was the only appropriate word. >> stephen: sure! >> and it hurt so much. >> stephen: sure. >> and i really went for it because that's the kind of actor i am! exactly. i really went for it, and it hurt. and i had to do it over and over again. and the director kept going, "really, pleasure, really take
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more pleasure." i was like, what, are you kidding me?" >> stephen: now, you and i are both big sci-fi fans. we've talked about that before. as an actor, is there a science fiction story you would like it see made that you would like to be in? >> i'd like to be in any number of things. i've always wanted to be in a science fiction thing -- >> stephen: you have never been in science fiction? >> a few. i was in the "truman show." my dearest wish in the world as a child to this moment is play a klingon. i would love to play a klingon, or something. but i never, i never-- for some reason those jobs don't come to me. >me. >> stephen: you don't seem-- seem-- >> what? >> stephen: i don't know. dangerous? you don't seem dangerous enough. a klingon has to be dangerous. >> i guess.ca one ofhe silly ble guys.
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i don't care what it is. >> stephen: silly blue guys, that is racist. not all the blue guys are silly! >> no, that's true. you're right. >> stephen: you're also executive producer of a great show called "lodge 49." >> that is correct. >> stephen: it's on all kinds of "best of" lists. >> it's a wonderful show in its second season. >> stephen: on amc. you'll be starring with it. >> i won't be starring in it but showtime allowed me to be in it a little bit. i will be on three times. >> stephen: it's on showtime? >> no amc. >> stephen: oh, showtime will let you out, take you off the leash. you're a free-range giamatti. >> spread my spore all over the place. >> stephen: fantastic. >> absolutely. just lay my spore. >> stephen: as executive producer, did you have to clear casting you with anybody? or do you just have to go like, "do you know who would be great for this?
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paul giamatti." >> that's pretty much what happened. >> he will be absolutely perfect. >> exactly. >> stephen: do you have a part fair klingon in thissening thing? >> exactly. that's pretty much what happened. so they had to say yes. i'm going to do a little thing in that. >> stephen: good luck. >> thanks a lot. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: "billions" airs sundays on showtime. paul giamatti, everybody! we'll be right back with senator doug jones. of a.o.l (mom) i pay too much
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! folks, my next guest is a former u.s. attorney and current senator from alabama. please welcome senator doug jones! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: senator, welcome to "the late show." >> awesome to be here. thank you. >> stephen: before we get started, i know there have been some terrible tornadoes this past month down in alabama. >> yes. >> stephen: how is your home stdoreoi well. this is not uncommon for us. we have a lot of these disasters, whether it's
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hurricanes or tornadoes. we lost 24 people, but i think people are rebuilding. by the time i got down there, things are going good. >> stephen: how is the disaster relief? >> i think the disaster relief has been amazing, the volunteers-- people have been coming from all over the country. thank you for asking. i think it's going well. i'm going to go back down there in a couple of weeks to check on it. thank you. ( applause ). >> stephen: fema is responding well? >> yes, the government, the state, all first responders. >> stephen: after you were sworn in a year ago as the first democratic senator-- >> i'm going to stop you. i have to tell you something. it's a confession. we didn't prep this. it's a family confession. i have to tell you you're a big show in my family. my wife every night-- who is up here somewhere in the audience-- my running mate in my campaign, she goes to bet bedwith you every night. ( laughter ) it's true, stephen. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> there she is.
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every night. so i'm just saying okay. >> stephen: just sayin'. >> just sayin' is there keep that in mind. >> where do you want to go? >> stephen: i'm not sure where i want to go now. ( laughter ) i'm going to go back to the car. since you were sworn in a year ago, you're now on the banking and housing-- banking, housing and urban affairs commit pep the health education labor and pension. homeland security, government affairs. and a special committee on aging. >> yes. i'm an exhibit on that commit rather than a senator. yes. >> stephen: that's exciting. >> yeah, it's really special. >> stephen: well, who's-- did you literally get jeff sessions' office? >> i literally got jeff sessions' office in the russell building. i saw you right outside that office when you were floating through d.c. >> stephen: yes. >> i think my colleague debbie staibnow caught you going into the men's room and had an interesting discussion. yes, that was jeff's office.
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>> stephen: did you have to pring in an exorcist? >> no, it was difficult. but seniority has caught up with me after the election. so appropriately, senator cotton will be taking that office and i will be moving over to the hart building. >> stephen: 2020 you'll be one of only two democrats running in senate who are from states that donald trump won in 2016. >> right. >> stephen: is there a pressure, being a senator in that state, to sort of bank down your democratic bona fides, to be a little less democrat and a little more republican. >> well, i think there's always a pressure that way. but i don't succumb to that pressure. i get hit from the right. i get hit from the i'm asked if i'm a moderate, conservative, democrat or whatever. i saw i'm a dug democrat because i'm going to do what i do. >> stephen: you wouldn't say you're left or right? >> i'm as close to in the middle as i can possibly get.
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as a party in the south, that's where the democrats are? >> so you're extremely medium. >> i'm extremely eye call it-- i call it the radical middle. la( laughter ). >> stephen: it's dwindling. you're an endangered species. >> yes. >> stephen: you should be in an captive breeding program. there are rumors that sessions might run as a republican against you. >> i don't know whether he will run or not. there's been talk about it. there has been talk about a lot of people pain lot of republicans in alabama just have stars in their eyes after the race in 2017, which was an amazing run for us. we'll see. i'm not focused on anybody who may or may not run. >> stephen: if you did run against sessions, which of you would feel about donald trump trump? >> a lot of those tweets about jeff would probably be seen on billboards around the state of alabama during the campaign.
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>> stephen: somebody might pay for that to happen? >> somebody might pay for that to happen. ( applause ). >> stephen: now, you have a new book called "bending toward justice." and it's-- it's the-- you tell the story of the 2001 inform 2002, as a prosecutor you got the convictions of the last two birmingham bombers. why is this a story you wanted to tell? >> well, there are a ciewm of reasons. the 16th street baptist church bombing that killed four girls, four innocent children, all because of the color of their skin can. and it was a story that needed to be told, i believe bwhat happened in birping ham, what happened in the civil rights era. but then as the south and as birmingham changed, it was a stfer some redemption, some healing. 37, 38 years later we were able to convict two guys for doing that bombing for murdering those girls. so-- ( applause ) thank you. thank you.
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and so, i believe the story needs to be told. put i also think it's really relevant today because we're still fighting civil rights battles. it's not just black and whoit anymore. it involves religion. it involves race. it involves gender. you name it, there are all manner of civil rights battles that we're willing to fight. and we've got to stand up. only look what happened in the last few days in new zealand and the hate and the rhetoric that we see. part of this story is that the klan felt empowered because politicians like george wallace and bull connor gave them that power. they gave them the green light to do things. wallace or conner did not condone that violence, but they gave them what could be called like a dog whistle type signal to say it's okay and you can do it and get away with that. we're still seeing such hate in this country. and it seems like we seem to be exporting it?
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>> stephen: many are saying while the president himself does not cob of condone violence, he doesn't denounce white nationalist and of or white supremacy, and that gives a tacit platform to these views that can lead to violence. >> absolutely. i was watching chris hayes last night and chris said the same thing. he's absolutely right. there's a part of his base that is very active and very engaged with him, but he needs to do more. the flip side of that is the president has such a following, he has such a base, he could really landlord us into a better place, and not worry about those spewing this hate and this chinatown supremacy. lead us to a better place if this country. we have the opportunity if he would take it. >> stephen: senator, thank you. >> thank you >> stephen: the book, "bending toward justice," is available now. senator doug jones, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian aparna nancherla. you could take the treatment of your ulcerative colitis
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( cheers and applause )
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gloots beautiful. it's beautiful. welcome back, everybody. my next is a stand-up comedian who also stars in comedy central's "corporate." please welcome the very funny aparna nancherla! ( applause ) >> hi! thank you. it's so nice to be here. so, i am on my phone too much. i don't think i am the only one, but i had a rock-bottom moment with it the other day. i was walking on the street. i was deep into my phone. i thought i was about to talk a sip of coffee with my other hand, but instead just put one of my earbuds in my mouth. ( laughter ) and i don't have a takeaway for that. i've merely been sharing it with people as a way to remain accountable. ( laughter ) to myself, to my community, and
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just to let you know where i'm at spiritually as well. ( laughter ) yeah, now iphones have that screen time feature. it tells you how long you've been on your phone that day, how little you've lived. ( laughter ) and... i think social media is my main vice. though i did have a great development with instagram. i discovered the mute button and went wild with power. i turned into someone i didn't know, but i'm glade met her. i tried to start out conservative. i picked out a few people and i thought i'll work back up to not being thrented by her level of success, you know. but then before i knew it, even puppies were being silenced. i was just like, "oh, they're just getting younger and younger." you know it didn't-- it didn't even make sense why accounts were getting cut. and then before i knew it, i had just muted everyone. and now i just open up the app to see the "no new posts" sign
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and i thought i can finally begin to heal, you know. it's just become a national monument for moo. maim go there to reflect. ( laughter ) a little delay... i've been trying meditate using an app off my phone, which feels like the wrong source to go to for enlightenment. it feels like asking your drug dealer, "hey, you got any tips on getting clean? it's not-- ( applause ) it's not what they're there for. i've been trying to use this meendfulness app, like the idea is to be in the present, live in the moment. living in the moment say little advanced for me, so i've been living in the very recent past. two to three seconds ago is where i can thrive where i can just think about my last breath and be like, "oh, you really
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killed it. it was one of your bests. like, you went in. you went out. no one can deny it." yeah, i think i've been trying to work on my brain on my own. i found out my therapist is raising her rates. yes. so i guess i'm cured. ( laughter ) very exciting. ( applause ) thank you. sometimes you don't realize how close are you to a breakthrough, and then there it is. ( laughter ) growth works in mysterious ways. i go to therapy for, among other things, anxiety and depression. or in millennial terms it's sometimes my brain is extra a.f., and then other times it can't even. so the range emotionally for me. ( applause ) i actually recently started a new medication. my old one stopped working. they unionized so i'm happy for them but... law laug
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( laughter ) i'm glad the new ones work because i was turning into someone who is a bit much. like, i was sieg a lot in public. i realize sieg is sort of the emotional equivalent of a sneelz. it changes the tone of the environment you're in. it feels like it should be addressed in some way afterwards. like, i sighed heavily recently in a crowded waiting room and everyone just looked at me like, "great. i remember death, too." it just felt-- it felt very rude. yeah, i live here in new york most of the time, and i do think my therapist has been trying dump me for months. i just haven't been reading the room well. one of our last appointments, she asked if we could meet at 7:00 a.m. i was like, "7:00 a.m.? that's not a therapy appointment. that's a dare." "i feel fliek you show up, that's on you." she's like, "let's talk about why you're here." we're outside. the building is locked ( laughter ) and the main thing you hit on at
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7:00 a.m., is everyone is broken at 7:00 a.m. she had as much to unpack as i did. we kept talking over each other. it wasn't productive. i was in l.a. for work most of last year and i tried to find a therapist short term out there. mental health tip, if you need one, "psychology today" the magazine has a director, you put in your zip code and it pulls up willing and horny therapists in your area. whoever is closest. i narrowed it down to a few that appealed to me. one of them was this hip noe notherapist, and he had a goatee, and i realized that's not the right facial hair to wake up to from a trance you know. that's not the kind where you're like, "oh, i'm safe." and then i found this other therapist who specialized in adults and babies. "babies? i would pay just to sit in on her and a swegz a baby because how would this even go you know?
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would the baby be like, waah." and the therapist would go, "yeah, object permanence. that's hard." but... ( applause ) you know, it's just a phase. and then she's like, "oh, you know what? we're out of time." and she just covers her face. laugh and speaking of which, that is my time. thank you guys so much. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you can see her at the amphibian theatre in fort worth, texas, on april 2 through 6. aparna nancherla, everybody! we'll be right back. >> i a
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♪ the home depot. more saving. more doing. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way

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