tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 26, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
>> we'll have you updated at 4:30 on the weather involve a good night. >> we haven't seen the mueller report, so this really is coverage of a letter that bill barr wrote, the four-page letter from the attorney general describing and interpreting what he read in the mueller report. >> are you curious about classic texts but don't have access to the material, wish there was an easier way? now there is. introducing barr notes. barr notes provide extremely brief summaries of complex ideas so you can move on! you will get barr's takes on all classics, like romeo and juliet, the play where two people fell in love and drank poisons.
there was no evidence there was conspiring in the poisoning or stabbing. little women, a coming of age tale. the book does not draw conclusion on character size or gender. even moby dick, the author lays out the facts to have the de-legging by the whale without reach anything legal conclusions, leaving it to me to decide whether the conduct of the whale constitutes a crime. i have concluded that the evidence does not establish such guilt by the whale. total exoneration! so pick up barr notes today, and get just enough information to leave you confused and angry! ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, let go. plus stephen welcomes keri russell and martha stewart, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: please, have a seat! whoo! that's nice! that feels good. welcome. welcome one and all to "the late show." i am your host stephen colbert. well, i think we all know that the number one story in america is and will be for the foreseeable future the mueller report, and just like the mueller report, we are wrong about that because this morning, we learned that, for some reason, "charges have been dropped against 'empire' actor jussie smollett." ( booing ) >> jon: yeah.
>> stephen: man, bill barr has been busy. ( laughter ) for those of you who haven't been following this story, let me catch you up -- i dunno. ( laughter ) i dunno what's going on. doesn't make any sense. ( applause ) there's one thing, another thing, another thing again. but here's the deal -- first, smollett told police he had been the victim of a hate crime in which two white men had attacked him and shouted racist and homophobic slurs. but it turned out, his actual assailants were two nigerian brothers who say smollett hired them to carry out the attack, paying them by check. ( laughter ) so embarrassing, especially since d signer checks with a picture of mickey paying goofy to hit him with a 2-by-4. ( laughter ) a couple of bucks.
but even after the check, and video evidence, and conflicting witness statements-- no one is exactly sure what happened, or why it happened. he said it was a hate crime, and i believe it. because i hate talking about this story. ( laughter ) smollett has maintained that he is a victim, and said that today's decision vindicates him. but other people aren't so sure. for instance, chicago police superintendent eddie johnson -- >> so, listen, i'm sure we all know what occurred this morning. my personal opinion is that you all know where i stand on this. do i think justice was served? no. what do i think justice is? i think this city is still owed an apology. >> stephen: really? that's all you want? ( laughter ) i didn't know the chicago police were so forgiving. ( laughter ) (chicago accent) "look, say what you want about al capone, but after the valentine's day massacre, he sent the station a nice edible arrangement.
little stuffed bear and everything. total class. al capone, he'd pick you up at the airport. good guy." ( laughter ) chicago mayor rahm emmanuel also is not happy. >> this is, without a doubt, a whitewash of justice, and sends a clear message that if you're in a position of influence and power, you'll get treated one way. other people will be treated another way. there is no accountability, then, in the system. it is wrong, full stop. >> stephen: yes, it's wrong. but on the other hand, isn't this a hopeful sign for america, that regardless of race or sexual orientation, all rich, famous people get off easy? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it's hopeful. it's hopeful, jon. >> jon: there's a message of hope, i guess, yes. >> stephen: i believe it was martin luther king who said, "i have a dream that one day, the
sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave-owners will hire the very best publicists to leverage their social media profile, escape charges, and then make a big comeback on 'the masked singer!'" ( cheers and applause ) different speech. totally different speech. >> jon: i didn't recognize that. >> stephen: yeah. now, smollett says he's totally innocent, but the prosecutor just came out and said, "the fact that smollett feels that we have exonerated him-- we have not. i can't make it any clearer than that." ( laughter ) but smollett's spokesman was defiant. >> it was a complete and total exoneration. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: total! total! >> stephen: of course, trump's been on his own high ever since we got the barr report on the mueller report, that said, "there's nothing to report." it's like a weird game of telephone, where you don't know what the first guy said, but the
last guy stabs you in the ear. ( laughter ) he's been going on what everyone is calling his "victory lap." although, he's a 72-year-old man. it's less of a victory lap, and more of a "winning shamble." ( laughter ) and i've got to say, being told you've not been indicted for betraying your country is a pretty low bar for a victory lap. if i don't run anyone over in my car tomorrow, i'm celebrating with an ice cream cake. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) yes, fudgy the whale. fudgy. and, yes, carvel, i'm asking for a free ice cream cake. ( laughter ) today, trump cyber-bullied, "the mainstream media is under fire and being scorned all over the world as being corrupt and fake. for two years, they pushed the russian collusion delusion when they always knew there was no collusion."
well, you can understand our -- ( cheers and applause ) well, you can understand our confusion on the collusion delusion, since your whole thing is rootin' for putin'. darn-tootin'. ( cheers and applause ) darn tootin'! >> jon: darn tootin'! ( applause ) >> stephen: and trump wasn't all talk. yesterday, the "trump campaign sent a memo to television producers warning about 'credibility' of six trump critics who it says spread false claims about collusion." that's ignoring that people thought trump was guilty because he acted super guilty! i mean, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then how were they to know it was a deeply strange squirrel who strapped on a beak, some wings, and yelled, "quack quack-- what makes you think i'm a duck, you traitor?" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
>> jon: how about you get that out there?! ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you! the memo -- the memo was addressed "to television producers." ( laughter ) now, i've worked in tv a long time. here's a little insider scoop -- all tv producers don't share the same mailbox. ( laughter ) this is like if trump got mad about "captain marvel" and wrote a scathing memo, starting: (as trump) "dear movies." "dear movies, captains are girls. i don't know how to type ." ( cheers and applause )
( applause )ñr here's who the memo says shouldn't be on tv -- senator richard blumenthal, representative adam schiff, representative jerrold nadler, representative eric swalwell, d.n.c. chair tom perez, and former c.i.a. director john brennan. that's right. tv's biggest reality stars. ( laughter ) without those hunks on screen, how will hannah b. ever find true love? the memo ends with a quick tip for tv producers, saying they should ask themselves, "does this guest warrant further appearances in our programming, given the outrageous and unsupported claims made in the past?" yes, i think cable news should ban appearances by everyone who has ever made an outrageous or unsupported claim. mr. president, you will be missed. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) that's some balls. that's some huevos.
that's some big old swingers right there. >> jon: hickory dickry dock. >> stephen: it's actually a compliment, i think. ( laughter ) from now on, you're going to have to lie door-to-door. (as trump) "knock, knock. excuse me, are you gloria larson of sioux falls, south dakota? you are? good. i had the largest inauguration. crowd of all time. thank you and good day." it's not just trump. ( cheers and applause ) it's not just trump. if you ban everyone who lies for trump on tv, fox news would just be a test pattern. la( laughter ) there wouldn't even be commercials. i'm pretty sure that "my pillow" guy didn't invent the pillow! ( laughter ) i'm not even sure that's his
pillow. it looks just like my pillow. you know, in that it is a pillow. speaking of liars, we also heard from trump's lawyer, rudy giuliani, seen here listing how many times he's been correct on tv. ( laughter ) he went on fox news to taunt mueller for not being able to make the decision on whether or not trump obstructed justice. >> the guy got paid somewhere upwards of $30 million, but he couldn't make the key decision. his hands were shaking. >> stephen: first of all, mueller didn't get paid $30 million-- he got paid about $160,000. is rudy just guessing how much money you make if you're actually good at your job?çó ( laughter ) (as rudy) "the president pays me in steak chunks and old cigars-- i bet a good lawyer makes like a billion an hour!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) does that sound anything like rudy? ( cheers and applause )
( laughter ) and rudy had harsh words for his friends at fake news cnn. >> you guys, on this network-- >> what have i done? >> --have tortured this man for two years with collusion, and nobody has apologized. your network should apologize. >> stephen: yes, cnn should apologize. why do they keep putting rudy giuliani on the air? ( cheers and applause ) people could be eating! for the love of pete! but it's not just trump who's gloating right now. we're also dealing with white house press secretary and woman who brought lemon squares to the book burning, sarah huckabee sanders. last night, huck-a-buck tweeted out this "new york post" graphic: "mueller madness! which of the angry and hysterical @realdonaldtrump haters got it most embarrassingly wrong? hashtag-you decide." that hashtag you decide is also the hashtag robert mueller used regarding the
obstruction charges.çó ( laughter ) now, as soon as i saw this jokey bracket full of media personalities huckabee wants to smear in the wake of the mueller report, i knew it wasn't worth my time... until i saw that i made the big dance! ( cheers and applause ) whoo! whoo! ( piano riff ) i'm a conference champ, baby! ( cheers and applause ) you see that? >> jon: yeah, i see that! >> stephen: thank you very much! ( audience chanting stephen ) exactly! ladies and gentlemen, if you watch the show, you know if i'm in, i'm in it to win it! okay? ( cheers and applause ) i'm the ultimate cinderella story, i'm an enchanting ballroom dancer and many of my interns are mice. ( laughter ) right next to my photo on this mueller madness bracket is a quote: "'no collusion' is trump's 'aloha'. it means both "hello!" and 'i'm guilty!'" ( laughter )
( applause ) you've got to admit, up until about 48 hours ago, that was a pretty solid joke. ( laughter ) and in the first round, i'm up against nbc's ken dilanian, who's quoted as saying, "the trump tower meeting revelations present the first evidence of collusion." okay, i'm definitely going to win-- his joke doesn't even make sense! ( laughter ) of course, once i knock out dilanian, i could end up going against a big challenger from the cable region: my good friend john oliver, who's listed as a four-seed, while i'm a three-seed. audienceeacts )n. looks like i'm ranked higher in a fake "new york post" bracket. ( laughter ) i guess you'll have to be content with all those emmys, sucker. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. keri russell is here, but when we return, more monologue. stick around!
so how are you enjoying your it's just lovely.ament? i'm here to let all these folks know how easy it is to save money on their car insurance with geico- oi oi oi set the pick! kick it outside!! shoot the three! shoot the three!! yessssssss!!!!!! are you...ok? no, no i'm not. i think i pulled a hammy. could we get some ice? just one cube of ice? geico®. proud partner of ncaa march madness®.
( cheers and applause ) ( band%&aying )ñió >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band right there! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! good to see you, jon. >> jon: yeah! you're right in the spot! >> stephen: right here! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's one of those nights. there's just too much going on. we have a double-stuff monologue, so let's get to the
double stuff here. ( cheers and applause ) i'm still over here. now, before the break, i was telling you about donald trump's victory lap, and it's already having huge consequences for americans. because, yesterday, the trump administration announced that the entire affordable care act should be struck down, including protections for people with pre-existing conditions. ( booing ) yes, now that he's free of the mueller investigation, trump can focus on his enemies -- the living. ( laughter ) this is in response to yet another case last year where republican states joined to challenge the a.c.a. the g.o.p. has been trying to kill obamacare over and over, but it keeps coming back. it's like freddie krueger, if instead of killing you, he entered your dreams to perform an emergency appendectomy. ( laughter ) a federal judge in texas struck down the law. now, trump's justice department says they won't defend it, indicating, "the entire statute must fall, from coverage for pre-existing conditions to the medicaid expansion and
everything in between." and when it comes to healthcare, there is a lot of in-between. my doctor checks my in-between very thoroughly. ( laughter ) he says, this year, i have to have a camera stuck up there. ( laughter ) this is a crazy move going into an election year, because people really love parts of the affordable care act. in fact, in a poll last year, 90% of americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. 90%! ( cheers and applause ) that's huge! nothing's that. ninety%! >> jon: that means everybody. >> stephen: the only thing with a higher approval rating is tom hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is "cupcakes and orgasms!" ( cheers and applause ) sadly -- my doctor says i can no longer have one of those. ( laughter )
this is particularly problematic for donald trump, who suffers from the pre-existing condition of previously pretending to care about it. >> i will always fight for and always protect patients with pre-existing conditions. we will always protect patients with pre-existing conditions, always, always. we're going to protect pre-existing conditions. we have to take care of pre-existing conditions because its just the way life is, folks. >> stephen: (as trump) "yes, it's just the way life is. until i change my mind-- then, it's just the way life was." ( laughter ) past tense. and i -- i -- you know -- i -- i -- i -- i -- today, trump was asked what he plans to do about the repeal of obamacare, and he said this -- >> the republican party will
soon be known as the party of healthcare. you watch. >> stephen: (as trump) "yes, just watch. unless you've got cataracts, in which case, good luck. it's a pre-existing condition. maybe listen real hard." ( applause ) they've talked about repeal and replace for years now, but trump has never announced a plan to replace obamacare with anything. so, get ready for the republican party's new healthcare mascot, deathy, the friendly tombstone! (as deathy) "ha-ha, hey, everybody! we are but dust in the hands of a cruel and indifferent universe. let the fates prevail! i come for you all." ( laughter ) ( applause ) my pal wormy. ( laughter ) trump has to feel very certain about his base to yank away
their health care right before an election. it explains all those new yard signs, "if i were still alive, i'd vote for trump." ( laughter ) when we come back, i'll be over there, explaining how the u.k. will be saved by psychic power. plus, keri russell. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) [ "werk it" by mama haze ] ♪ werk it now ♪ woo, werk it now, woo, werk it now ♪ ♪ baby watch me werk it like ♪ ♪ werk it now, woo. werk it now ♪ ♪ baby, baby, baby ♪ baby watch me werk it now
(thunderclap) if your day doesn't unfold as predicted. unfold this. new neutrogena® makeup remover single. and remove 99% of makeup. 100% rain or shine. neutrogena®. 100% rain or shine. what would i say to somebody keep being you.? keep lovg. keep aspiring. keep striving. and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for hiv in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable.
that means the amount of virus is so low it can't be measured in lab tests. so keep pushing. keep creating. and keep pouring your soul into everything you do. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're hiv-positive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. ♪
and there's nothing standard about that. with 10 resorts less than an hour from salt lake international airport, mountain time means more time on more resorts on the greatest snow on earth. it means more time with the kids and more time away from the kids. ski more, shred more, chill more, cheers more
because mountain time is a state of mind that can only be found in one place. utah. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: oh, hello, everybody! welcome back to "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) please have a seat! thank you so much! have you all been following brexit as much as i don't? ( laughter ) it's been a brutal process for british prime minister and
author photo from a book about matchmaking for dressage horses, theresa may. she's already failed twice to get a brexit deal through parliament, and now the whole thing could get overturned, because "a petition to scrap brexit altogether has garnered a record-breaking five million-plus signatures," and on saturday, over a million people protested to reverse the brexit vote. it looks like brexit is headed for... the exit. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> jon: yeah, yeah! >> stephen: i think this show's been off the air for ten years, but i still enjoy that. so, at this point, predicting the doom of brexit doesn't exactly take a psychic. but that didn't stop tv psychic and alien pretending he knows how to eat cereal, uri geller. for those who don't know, uri
geller was a global superstar in the '70s for using his supposed psychic powers to bend spoons. you know, like what you would do if you had psychic powers. ( laughter ) "sure, i could defuse bombs with my mind and remove bullets without surgery, but isn't it more impressive that i made it slightly harder to eat soup?" ( laughter ) well, on friday, geller wrote an open letter to theresa may, where he promised to stop brexit using telepathy, saying "i feel psychically and very strongly that most british people do not want brexit." amazing. to have that kind of insight into the minds of the british people, he must have psychic power. or a television. ( laught ( applause ) ( piano riff ) geller reached out to may directly, because they share a deep bond. in the letter, he writes, "my dear theresa-- three years
before you became prime minister, i predicted your victory, when i showed you winston churchill's spoon on my cadillac, which i asked you to touch." ( laughter ) man, england has taken a real step down from the "sword in the stone." (as old wise man) "legend tells that she who touches the spoon upon the car shall rule england with her knights of the lazy susan!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) also, uri, why do you have winston churchill's spoon? ( laughter ) get a new thing! it's been 40 years. bend a fork! ( laughter ) but then, geller took it up a notch, promising to put a stop to theresa may's biggest challenger, labour party leader and homeless man you bathed and bought a suit, but you know it's only going to last a week, jeremy corbyn. corbyn is the odds-on favorite to be the next prime minister, but geller has a foolproof plan to stop him, pledging "jeremy corbyn will never get the keys
to number 10 downing street," because "i will ensure that they bend out of all proportion to ensure that he never takes up residence there." brilliant! ( cheers and applause ) i can't believe! why! i can't believe i won the election-- oh, no! the key doesn't work! guess, i'm not prime minister. at least i have this delicious soup to take solace in. oh, no!" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) isn't it nice to know they're dumb, too? well, i am duly impressed by uri geller's courage to use his psychic powers to make the british people do the thing that millions of them are screaming they want to do. in fact, i feel a responsibility to use my own psychic powers to influence the future! hear me now!
spirits, beginning today, i will make the weather gradually improve over the next several months, until people are like "ugh, this is too hot," and then i will turn it back. you doubt my powers? observe as i bend this spoon using only my hands, which i control... with my mind! oh! i sense a commercial coming on! we'll be back with keri russell! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) look, it's floating! it's floating! -guys, i want you to meet someone.
this is jamie. you're going to be seeing a lot more of him now. -i'm not calling him "dad." -oh, n-no. -look, [sighs] i get it. some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, we're all in this together. right, champ? -i'm getting more nuggets. -how about some carrots? you don't want to ruin your dinner. -you're not my dad! -that's fair. overstepped. ♪ ♪ ( ♪ ) man: you can do this! grab those command picture hanging strips and let's make it work. they're tool free and they hold strong. oh, rustic chic!
an arrow angled to point at rustic chic. hmm, may i be honest here? let's take that down, damage free, with a stretch, remove... and look: no marks, no mess. like a pro. command. do. no harm. like a pro. brushing only reaches 25% of your mouth. listerine® cleans virtually 100%. helping to prevent gum disease and bad breath. never settle for 25%. always go for 100.
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show"! already into the second hour. ( cheers and applause ) we're going all night. it's a marathon tonight. it's a telethon. call the number on your screen. first, i'm so excited, my first guest is a golden globe winner you know from "felicity" and "the americans." please welcome back to the "late show," keri russell! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
>> stephen: nice to see you! nice to see you! >> stephen: how you been? okay. >> stephen: yeah? okay. >> stephen: what's that mean? something else? thereby hangs a tale. not okay but you're going to put a brave face on it? >> putting a brave face on. >> stephen: positivity is the key. >> always in life. >> stephen: last time i saw you, you and matthew were on together, weren't you? >> that's right, we were. >> stephen: that was before the finale of "the americans," an amazing show. i have not caught up with the finale yet. ( cheers and applause ) i've gone back to the beginning to have the series and my wife -- the beginning of the series, my wife and i are streaming it. did you guys win? no spoilers, but did the russians win? >> russians won. >> stephen: it does seem like that sometimes. >> doesn't it? >> stephen: it does, a little bit. now, this is exciting because you are making your broadway
debut at the hudson theater right there. ( cheers and applause ) right there. and, so, first time on broadway, not first time on stage in new york. >> first time on broadway. >> stephen: i know it's a classic. is it just the two of you? >> four of us. >> stephen: and are you the star? >> well, no. well, in my mind, adam, because he has this great showy part, i always thought it was adam's play, and we started rehearsing and i thought, i'm in this a lot more than i thawvment i thought i would stand behind adam. no, i'm in a lot more than i thought. >> stephen: you could stand behind him because he's large. >> he's a large person. >> stephen: and you're small. i'm small. >> stephen: yeah. he's a large guy. >> stephen: yeah. he was a marine.
>> he was a marine. i feel like i am kind of a mom of three. >> stephen: that takes grit. it does. >> stephen: how old is your eldest child? >> eleven. >> stephen: 11. well, okay, that takes me to a very important subject is adam driver, of course, is kyla wren in the "star wars" movies, and i don't think i'm telling any tales out of school here that you are in episode 9 to be named later. does episode 9 have a name yet, or "star wars"? does it have a name yet? >> i don't even know. >> stephen: you do know. you literally almost told me and caught yourself before you said anything. is your 11-year-old impressed that you're in one to hav of thr wars" movies? >> i'm not kidding, i can't impress that kid to save my life. i tell him all the time i'm so
cool. but this, when j.j. abrams who is directing this one talked to me about doing this, i got off the phone and i was, like, ha ha! river, my 11-year-old, you can't tell any of your friends, but i'm doing a really cool project. what? "star wars." hmm. that is cool. that's it! >> stephen: that was all you got? >> that's it. >> stephen: all gone 24 hours later, all burned out. >> and it is cool. >> stephen: did he get to visit the set? >> he didn't because we were shooting in london in pinewood where they shoot the original, but i do have the coolest costume, i will say that. >> stephen: what is it? i can't tell you. >> stephen: j.j.'s a friend of mine. he wouldn't mind if you told me. we're all friends of j.j.'s here. >> i'm not falling for that! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, here's what i want to do.
you can't tell me any secrets but i want to get a reaction. i've got guesses about secrets from "star wars." what i want to do is try to hide your reaction. these are my guesses, what happens in episode 9. if we get a single, please, on keri, close so we can read her expression. right down the pipe. >> stephen: that'.i got it. >> stephen: your character is yoda's exwife rachel. you run a profitable business. you and yoda met on okay cupid and he said he was 6'2". your character is pretending to be a member of the first order but sacksly a russian spy with a lot of wigs. ( laughter ) >> very close, dangerously close. >> stephen: your character isn't integral to the plot. you just keep walking into random scenes asking if you left your keys there.
>> that's it. >> stephen: that's it? that's it. >> stephen: this is my big guess. ( cheers and applause ) this is my final guess. >> go. >> stephen: this is based partly on the length and color of your hair. ( laughter ) your character is chewbacca's step sister, chewbecky. ( laughter ) i know you can't tell me. >> matthew always tells everyone i'm playing chewbacca. >> stephen: do you have a chewbacca impression? >> no, but he does a great one. he does the actual sound. it's so good. >> stephen: bring him next time. >> i will. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. >> so nice to see you, too. >> stephen: "burn this" is in previews now, and opens april 16 at the hudson theater. keri russell, everybody! chewbecky! we'll be right back with martha stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) breathe right strips open your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone.
(deep breath) breathe better, sleep better. breathe right. breathe better, sleep better. don't make her drink water pet, ysmelling of chlorine! give her culligan water, it can be positively proven! delicious for dogs! and delicious for humans! and with filtered culligan water of course it... means maureen can drink it straight from the faucet! but i'm more than a number. when i'm not teaching, i'm taking steep grades and tight corners. my essilor lenses offer more than vision correction with three innovative technologies for my ultimate in vision clarity and protection together in a single lens: the essilor ultimate lens package. so, i can do more of what i love!
billion-dollar media empire, has written 94 books, and today she's here to grill with us. please welcome martha stewart! ( cheers and applause ) good to see you. good to see you. now then, martha. >> yeah. >> stephen: what are we doing today? >> we're grilling. >> stephen: you've got a new book. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's called, very simple, "martha stewart's grilling." >> i've never written a grilling book before. >> stephen: why not? well, because i don't really like to grill, or at least i thought i didn't like to grill. >> stephen: why don't you like grilling? >> i don't like smoke and i don't like the guys who stand out there pressing the food. are you one of those? >> stephen: i don't finish your insulting description and i'll tell you. ( laughter ) >> they're out there squeezing out all the juices out of the hamburgers. >> stephen: but it's a ritual. but you don't have to do that to it. >> stephen: not everybody does that. >> and then they burn everything. that's what really bothered me
about grilling. >> stephen: what do you mean by "they"? >> those guys. >> stephen: you're lumping us all together, martha. >> so i decided to write a book about grilling the right way. i like the right way to do things. >> stephen: let me guess, the right way to do things is your way? ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> could be. >> stephen: just a guess. three courses, a roseé sangria, fish tacos with cabbage, and grilled stone fruit fool. >> yes, stone fruit. so sangria, you have to start with a drink. if you're going to grill standing in front of the hot fire, those are frozen roseé wie with somberies in them. >> stephen: froze balls. that's what happen when you grill in the winter. ( laughter ) >> there's a nice roseé in here, already. and look at all the nice fruits.
>> stephen: you put that in first? >> no, you pour the sparkling wine in here. >> stephen: oh, put the -- yeah. ( laughter ) and you have limes and blood oranges and you can do berries, raspberries, strawberries, but i like the blood oranges and the combination of the sparkling white wine and the roseé. >> stephen: that's lovely. quick side note while we're pouring this, you went to jail for obstruction of justice. ( cheers and applause ) is this true? >> um -- >> stephen: you went to jail for among other things obstruction of justice. >> i thought we were grilling. >> stephen: we are. i just wanted to know how your weekend was when you found out somebody else wasn't going to go to jail for obstruction of justice. >> as i said, i like this kind of grilling a lot better than backyard grilling, ( aff ) >> sen: oh, ts good!d.
i gave up alcohol for lent. >> stephen: oh, no! are you catholic? >> yes, i'm lapsed, but -- >> stephen: you're a lapsed catholic? good. then drink up. ( laughter ) >> i would love to drink, but -- so let's get to the fish. >> stephen: how do we do this? i like to cook whole fishes because i like all the flavor. >> stephen: and you see the head and you know you've killed something. >> yes, and the nice tail and -- >> stephen: sure. do take off the scales and do take off all the dorsal fins. >> stephen: okay, good. and this, you can just score so it cooks faster and helps cook it faster. >> stephen: i did not know this, you're the expert. >> so score nicely on one side. >> stephen: okay. and then the rub, here's the rub. it's all about the rub. >> stephen: what's in the rub? cumin, oregano, chili powder and salt. mix it with a little virgin olive oil. >> stephen: oh, damn, girl... ( laughter )
that is really good. >> and cilantro. >> stephen: how early is too early to start grilling in the year? >> no, no, really, i just went to a party saturday night and we grilled. >> stephen: this? yes, rub that all over. >> stephen: that was actually a trick question, it is never too early to grill, because even in the dead of winter, you are with the heat source. >> that's right. it's beautiful. >> stephen: you can just lean over the burgers. >> save that for the other side. >> stephen: okay, good. you can do the head, too. >> stephen: we're not eating the head, are we? >> cheeks are good. >> stephen: what? those little cheeks. >> stephen: seems like a lot of work to eat a cheek. there you go. do i have to flip it over? >> no, that will go on the grill. we already have one. >> stephen: fantastic. it's nice. we've smelled the fish cooking through the entire show before you came out herele. >> the minute i walked in, i knew we were here. >> stephen: you know about cooking fish in the workplace,
right? >> oh, my gosh. >> stephen: can i grab with my hands? >> yes, take a little piece. perfectly cooked. >> stephen: and perfect for lent. >> it is. so we have tacos. we put a little bit of crema on here, pickled vegetables. put hot fish on there and cabbage. this is just salted cabbage. do you like cilantro? >> stephen: for tv, yes. all right, we need to move on here. >> okay. >> stephen: we've had our drink and fish taco. >> and then you grill fruit. >> stephen: grill fruit? hot fruit? >> i love grilling fruit. >> stephen: okay. you can brush it a little bit of melted butter. but just grill them till they're all beautifully soft.
how does it taste? good, right? >> stephen: like a fish taco. so good, so delicious. >> cut up your fruit. >> stephen: okay. once it's grilled. >> stephen: what's a fool. a layered dessert. it's sort of like leftover stuff and you fool your guests that you spent a lot of time making something. >> stephen: okay. thanks so much for being here. you wrote 94. you can stop at 100. it's martha stewart,
yoooh, hello yellow! at ross and you find... yes! that's yes for less. spring forward with the latest brand-name styles at 20 to 60 percent off department store prices. at ross. yes for less. i can customize each line for soeach family member?e yup. and since it comes with your internet, you can switch wireless carriers, and save hundreds of dollars a year. are you pullin' my leg? nope.
you sure you're not pullin' my leg? i think it's your dog. oh it's him. good call. customize each line and choose to pay by the gig or getunlimited. do you guys sell other dogs? now that's simple, easy, awesome. and since xfinity mobile comes with xfinity internet, you can save hundreds a year. get $250 back when you buy a new samsung galaxy. click, call, or visit a store today. ...you realize you can totally eat out more? that's yes for less. get the latest spring trends for your home at 20 to 60 percent off specialty store prices.
at ross. yes for less. >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," folks. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be charles barkley and tig notaro. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know ( mumbling ) okay. >> yeah. ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from