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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 27, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> steve bannon, shannon, is predicting that president trump is going to go full animal-- that's a direct quote from an interview just out on yahoo! news, now that his presidency is no longer under the shadow of a special counsel. ♪ ♪ >> donald trump: wealthy, fit, human-like. but when he becomes angry at journalists -- which is all the time-- >> that's enough. >> ...he becomes... "manimal," starring president trump. when provoked, he can transform into any animal: an enraged
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sloth, a lumbering sea lion, whatever this is, along with his sidekick, mitch mcconnell. he will seek vengeance against the haters. and losers. this spring, donald trump is "manimal." tuesdays, right after "the trumps of hazard." only cbs. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, health don't care. plus, stephen welcomes charles barkley and tig naturo featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello!
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( cheers ) >> stephen:hey! how are you? good to see you, jon. what's up? >> jon: what's happening. >> stephen: good. you good, chris? please, have a seat, everybody. thank you much. thanks, everybody. in here, out there, all around the world. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) donald trump has been living it up since the barr report on the mueller report totally cleared him of half the charges. and that is a huge boost, and you can see it in his approval ratings. on march 23, the day before the mueller report was delivered, trump was at 41.9%. but today, with the collusion cloud lifted, that number has
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soared to 41.9%. ( cheers and applause ) which is a difference of... let me see. 41 point... ( laughter ) ah, nothing matters anymore. barr's report on the mueller report changed nobody's mind about donald trump, which is surprising. i tuned into msnbc last night fully expecting to see "the rachel maga show." ( laughter ) "okay, it was 1982 in new york. a young donald trump was plowing supermodels and, in turn, making each of them great again." ( laughter ) voters were also asked if they had a more or less favorable view of trump after mueller's findings. 39% said more favorable, while
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43% said less favorable. so what-- let me get this straight. after finding out that he didn't collude, people liked him less. ( laughter ) ( applause ) wait, wait, i don't-- what? wait. >> jon: don't make no sense? >> stephen: no collusion? wait a second, i was hoping he was controlled by putin. because that guy knows what he's doing, unlike president numbnuts over here." still, bill win for trump. i mean, he hsd been rope-a-doping on this mueller thing for two years. and now he finally has a chance to get on america's good side. step one: take away everyone's healthcare, because trump is trying to kill obamacare, again. >> audience: boo! (announcer) : "mr. trump, you've just been cleared of collusion. what are you going to do now?" (as trump) : "i'm going to roll a diabetic off a cliff."
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( laughter ) come on. come on, sweetness. let's go." how dumb is this guy? in the midterms, he got his ass kicked because health care was the top issue for voters. (as trump) : "ow! ow! that stove is hot. let's try that again with something else." ( cheers and applause ) it's a metaphor! it's just a metaphor, jon. nobody thinks killing obamacare is a good idea. as one g.o.p. strategist put it, "they are completely tone deaf. w.t.f. is wrong with them?" what's wrong with them? where t.f. do you start? ( laughter ) trump taking away your healthcare is even being opposed by the two people who now have to take away your
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healthcare: health and human services secretary and man who changed his mind midway through the hair transplant, alex azar, and attorney general and owl who won't tell you how many licks it takes to get to the center of the russia investigation, william barr. okay, first of all, barr-- barr-- the attorney general-- new attorney general barr, he clears trump of obstruction of justice. and now he's got to be the guy who takes away everyone's healthcare? it explains why trump introduced him like this: >> i want to wish our new attorney general great luck and speed and enjoy your life. bill, good luck. >> stephen: (as trump) "yes, good luck. you're gonna need it, because you take away people's healthcare, they're going to be pissed and with nothing to lose. i'd have someone else start your car for a while." ( laughter ) so why is he doing it? why is he doing this? according to senior advisers, trump "campaigned on repealing
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the health law. his base of voters would love it. besides, they argued, democrats have been campaigning successfully on health care, and republicans should try to take it over themselves." which means having a plan, which might be a problem, because for the last nine years they've been trying to repeal obamacare, their replacement has been "heaven seems nice." ( laughter ) "don't you want to meet jesus?" and so far, so far, the trump administration has provided no indication it had any specifics for what would take obamacare's place. in fact, marco rubio said of trump, "he didn't offer a plan." (as trump) : "listen, marco, if i planned, i wouldn't have had eric." ( laughter ). >> jon: oh! >> stephen: "okay? think about that? think? think." true story. but it's not just health care. yesterday, in his meeting with republicans, trump said he
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opposes further disaster aid for battered puerto rico. (as trump) : "look, what more do they need? those paper towels i threw at them can be used as food, shelter, and in a pinch, the cardboard tubes make very generous lovers." and-- i'm glad you liked that one. >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: i'm glawd liked that one. i was on the fence, but now i'm sold! okay. ( laughter ) okay, okay, okay! that's bad! that's bad! all of that stuff is bad-- the health care, the puerto rico, that's bad. but it's not cartoon villain bad. if you want cartoon villain bad, look no further than secretary of education and woman-- ( booing ) woman appalled that you christened your yacht with domestic champagne, betsy devos. devos went before congress yesterday to defend at least $7 billion in proposed cuts to education programs.
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yeah! now, now, now, now! these kids have had it too good for too long. crayons and colored pencils? what's next, markers?! i say we shod go back to the old days where every child quarries their own slate; they are issued a single piece of chalk, and when it runs out, you're done with school! back to the textile mill! change some bobbins! you're too good for bobbins? but it gets worse. they're proposing millions of dollars in cuts to programs for students who are blind and eliminating all federal funding for the special olympics. >> audience: no! >> stephen: now, obviously, it would be easy to say that that's evil. but it would also be accurate. then, then-- ( applause ) what have we got? health care, disaster relief, children.
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then, there's global warming. trump opposes the democrats' green new deal, which proposes cutting greenhouse gas emissions to net zero by 2050. that's ambitious. now, the plan says nothing about getting rid of cars or airplanes or cattle. or as donald trump put it: >> i really don't like their policy of taking away your car, of taking away your airplane flight. you're not allowed to own cars anymore. >> stephen: (as trump) "no airplane flights, no cows, not to mention flying cows. how are they going to jump over the moon now? that's why i'm calling for space cow force. all right? it's time to return to the mooooon! >> jon: hey diddle, diddle. the cat and the fiddle. >> stephen: but trump is not the only republican speaking out
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against the green new deal. so is utah senator and driver's ed teacher who's about to become your stepdad, mike lee. yesterday, during a debate on the green new deal, lee offered a novel solution to global warming. >> mr. president, this is the real solution to climate change: babies. the solution to so many of our problems at all times and in all places is to fall in love, get married, and have some kids. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i like babies. i like babies. i've made babies. some of my bit of friends were once babies. but getting married and making baby says solution to all our problems at all times and in all places? (as car mechanic) : "well, i'll tell you what's going on here, mr. jones, your transmission is shot. it's going to cost you $800 for me to fix it, or you could make
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an honest woman out of bethany. she looks fertile. yeah, yeah, i'd do it." ( applause ) ( cheers ) i do like babies. i love babies. but lee's justification for his baby theory made much more sense... to no one. >> problems of human imagination are not solved by more laws. they're solved by more humans. more babies will mean more forward-looking adults, the sort we need to tackle long-term, large-scale problems. >> stephen: yes, we can't do anything now to solve the long-scale problems our kids will be facing later. first, we have to have the kids so there will be someone to do something about those problems. and, yes, yes, yes, we're kicking the can down the road, which is technically litter, but litter is a problem they'll have to solve. point is, get it on, and i mean
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raw dog, because we're not doing jack. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know what that means. i don't know what that means. i have no idea what that means. lee continued: >> american babies, in particular, are likely going to be wealthier, better educated. >> stephen: really? i'm not so sure they're better educated. have you seen former american baby mike lee? ( cheers and applause ) lee's speech was inspiring in one way. alexandria ocasio-cortez tweeted about lee, "if this guy can be senator, you can do anything." ( cheers and applause ) yeah! damn. damn! maybe it's good that sea levels are rising, because mike lee's gonna need some water for that
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burn. ( laughter ) but that baby picture wasn't lee's only tool of taxpayer-funded prop comedy. >> this is, of course, a picture of former president ronald reagan naturally firing a machine gun while riding on the back of a dinosaur. in a future without air travel, how are we supposed to get around the vast expanses of, say, alaska during the winter? well, i'll tell you how: tauntauns, mr. president. all residents of hawaii would be left with is this. >> stephen: a very innovative use of visual aids from pop culture and science fiction. in fact, it's inspired me. bring it on out.
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( cheers and applause ) senator lee, you're the most embarrassing part of a storied american institution. you, sir, are the senate jar-jar sphinx of the senate. ( cheers and applause ) when i hear you talk, i can only say "mama mia 2, here we go again." and finally, sir, of course, mr. back of a giant sloth. why? why, you ask? because my graphics team got high. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. charles barkley is here. but when we return, "meanwhile! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody, jon batiste and stay human! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my goodness. oh, my goodness, jon. you guys sound good tonight. jon, you know we have a lovely guest tonight we enjoy having on the show. charles barky is here tonight. >> jon: hall of famer. >> stephen: lovely, lovely man. you know, jon, just a moment ago you saw me over there. >> jon: yeah, yeah, right there. >> stephen: unpacking an oversized roller bag of big news
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stories. but sometimes, when i travel over here to my desk, i like to bring a little carry-on of news stories that are three ounces or less and i stow them in the overhead bin that is my segment... "meanwhile." ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile! it gives hope. meanwhile gives hope to a troubled nation. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: meanwhile, in spac news, nasa has canceled its first-ever all-female spacewalk "citing the lack of a spacesuit in the right size." so, apparently, we pick our female astronauts the same way we pick our rockettes. (as producer) : "look, toots, if you want to walk in space, you got to fit the costume. what do you want?" according to nasa, both women would need a size medium, "but only one is readily available." shouldn't nasa's sizing be more specialized than a box of free t-shirts? "uh, this is houston.
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we don't have any mediums left, but we do have an xxl. you could sleep in it." ( laughter ) meanwhile, in arnold schwarzenegger chasing a mini pony while riding a bicycle to tobey keith's "shoulda been a cowboy" news... ♪ i should have been a cowboy i should have learned to rope and ride ♪ >> come here little horse i want to ride your back. i laugh so hard that you are running away from me on my bicycle. and you are small pony that was bred as a distorted vision of what a horse should be. and you looking so scared as i chase you makes me laugh. hasta la vista, pony." meanwhile, "batman versus superman" director zach snyder has a response for critics who didn't like that the heroes in his movie killed people.
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in short: "batman kills. superman kills. get over it." someone says to me: batman killed a guy. i'm like, wake the (bleep) up.'" (bleep) zach, these are beloved children's characters. (as zach) : "aqua man sells opiates, and the flash is a human trafficker. walk it off! the whole justice league is addicted to snuff porn. grow up!" ( laughter ) >> jon: wow! >> stephen: meanwhile, "china has censored the gay scenes from 'bohemian rhapsody.'" "a scene of two men kissing, the word 'gay,' and a clip of the main character dressed in women's clothing were removed." that is terrible. but you should see the chinese government's version of "call me by your name." >> hey, there, oliver. >> how you doing? >> nice to meet you. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> stephen: meanwhile, a verizon employee rescued a cat who had been stuck on top of a telephone pole for roughly 12 hours. that's a long time. but then, the verizon guy did say he'd be there between 8:00 a.m. and midnight. ( laughter ) here is the employee in question. i think we can all agree that this man is a hero. sadly, his employer did not. after verizon found out, the worker was suspended fo ( booing ) violating safety protocols. sounds back, but makes sense given verizon's slogan, "verizon: let the cat die." we'll be right back with charles barkley. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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folks, oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is always a treat. my first guest is an n.b.a. hall of famer and host of "inside the nba." he currently serves as a studio analyst for the n.c.a.a. tournament right here on cbs and tbs. please welcome back to "the late show," charles barkley! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to see you again. thanks for being here. >> thank you. i'm glad to be here. >> stephen: always, always nice to talk to you. >> i'm glad to be here. >> stephen: happy to have you. everybody who has a talk show knows you want charles barkley on because the man knows how to talk. he's not afraid to talk. >> we could make a good living like that. >> stephen: we can. you sit in a chair, you talk, they write you a check. >> you talk to people. i just get to watch basketball and talk about it. but you gotta -- >> stephen: to people, though. >> yeah, but you meet some
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interesting people. >> stephen:y i do, yeah, charles barkley is one of the interesting people i meet. i want to talk about march mad innocence just a minute. you have made some weighs on weigh in on the jussie smollett controversy. >> yeah. >> stephen: you had some advice. >> when you commit a crime, don't write a check. do not write a check. >> stephen: that's sound. that's sound. >> that's sound advise. >> stephen: sound wisdom. now, what do you make of the charges being dropped? >> i think that we all lose. i think my black friend, my gay black friends, i think they lose, because there are all repercussions when you are a minority. there's always a double standard. you have to understand that and accept that. for every black, gay person out there, we lost. and it's unfortunate. i don't know that kid. i wish him nothing but the best. but you have to understand, you have to always look at the big picture. like, you know, there's a lot of gay kids out there who are
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struggling. they're getting beat up. they're getting bullied, and things like that. and that's not good. and then you see, there's this tenuous relationship between the black community and the cops. and we made the cops look really bad in this scenario. and there's probably going to be some resentment. so the bottom line is everybody lost in this scenario. yeah. it's not good. ( applause ). >> stephen: no. well, thanks not only for being here, but for being on cbs tomorrow night. >> yeah. >> stephen: that means that i don't have to work for the next two nights. because we're preempted by march madness. so thank you for just, you know, carrying the weight. >> you know, this is the best time of the year for me. because there's nothing like march madness. nothing can screw up march madness. they're pretty good, oregon is. march madness is so good, even kenny and shaq can't screw it
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up. it's just unbeatable. >> stephen: you and i have a little bit of a gambling history in sports. >> yes. >> stephen: we bet on golden state versus cavaliers twice. >> yes. >> stephen: you won first year. i won the second year. >> yeah, we need another bet. >> stephen: we're even so-- >> you actually didn't pay me the first time, though. ( laughter ). >> stephen: we went double or nothing. we went double or nothing the next year. >> best way to be friends, if you pay me the first time, you can't just keep saying, "let's make another bet until you get even." ( laughter ). >> stephen: see, i'm learning from you. i'm not-- i'm not-- i'm new to sports gambling. >> best way-- like, if you borrowed money from smsh best way to remain friends with them is to actually pay them back. ( laughter ). >> stephen: write that down. >> yeah. >> stephen: but not request wa check. >> no, not with a check. >> stephen: cash, cash. who's your team this year? >> well, my team, i pick virginia to win the whole thing. >> stephen: yeah. . >> but i'm very proud, my auburn
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tigers win the sweet 16. >> stephen: you're not-- you're not shy about that. this is you hiding your allegiances right there. that's you right over here. >> hey, listen. ( laughter ). >> stephen: with auburn, okay. >> i'm proud of my school. you know, i call them "my kids," because they're 18, 19, 21, 22. i'm so proud of my college. i cannot wait till friday night. >> stephen: okay, who are they playing? >> the north carolina tarheels. >> stephen: okay, tarheels, all right. jon you pull for the tarheels, don't you? i like the tar heels. >> stephen: do you want to bet again? >> of course,. >> stephen: jon you have to help me with this. as a south carolinian i am not allowed to pull for the tar heels. we together will pull for the tar heels. you pull for auburn. >> yes. >> stephen: i'll make you a bet that if-- if-- here is the lugliest tie we could find. and if i win, you have to wear
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this tie on the air. ( laughter ) and if you win, i have to wear this tied on the air. ( cheers and applause ) >> i'll tell you what. depending on what happens friday night. >> stephen: yup. >> i'll even-- i'll either wear it sunday or you wear it monday. >> stephen: it's a deal. >> we have a deal. >> stephen: it's a deal. >> jon: oh, yeah. i'm with it. i'm with it. i like that! >> i'm going to have to go deep, deep, deep in my closet to try to find something to match that. >> stephen: i'll mail this to you. i'll mail this to you. >> i'm in new york! >> stephen: what? >> i'm here. >> stephen: i'll walk it over. >> you walk it over. >> stephen: we should watch the game together. >> if you came by the studio, the guys would go crazy. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: i'm known as a big sport fan. >> come by the studio. >> stephen: where is the studio? >> it's somewhere here in new york. i don't know exactly where it's at. >> stephen: i've got plans. i'm sorry. i've got plans. now, here's the deal. we had our friend matthew mcconaughey over here, and he
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pumps up the team down at u.t., down in texas. we have a camera right here pointed at you. do you want to pump up your own. >> which one am i looking at? okay, aaron! listen to me! when you were growing up as a little kid, you know the big programs -- north carolina, duke, kansas, michigan state, u.c.l.a. we are auburn! we're a family. you get a chance to play against north carolina, one of the best colleges in the history of college basketball and march madness! let's shock the world! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, let's try update n.c. >> jon: that was good. >> stephen: listen up, right over here! listen up, u.n.c.! listen up tar heels. i have no idea what that mascot name means, but it doesn't matter! you've got tar on your heels! that's good in some way! and i'm from south carolina, and i forgive you for your barbecue! ( laughter )
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you can do it! dig deep! find that extra gear. put the round thing in the thing and put it through! i don't want to wear that tie! please! ( cheers and applause ) shock the world! okay. let's talk about this. now, you've got to know, here is-- here is-- what is this? what is this? the 64? >> the 68. >> stephen: 68 right there. and you've got to know something about all these teams, right? you have all of this up in the old noggin up there. >> a lot of stuff up there. >> stephen: i'm going to quiz you. i'm going to throw a dart at one of these teams. >> okay. >> stephen: and you tell me something about them. ready? what are your thoughts on-- what are your thoughts on buffalo? what do you think of buffalo this year? >> well, buffalo's had a good couple of years. they have a coach, nate oats, he's done a fantastic job. they're a good-sized team. they're great yonsively. they're stingy defensively.
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you're going to have to play well to beat this team. >> stephen: that's nice. quiz me. and i can do that. i could do that. hit me. yeah. >> u.c.f. >> stephen: u.c.f.? >> yes. >> stephen: what i admire about that team is they are so strong on the fundamentals, okay. they're not flashy, but that game-- who are they playing again? >> they just lost to duke. >> stephen: they just lost to duke, and you know why? they really cons traipted too much on the fundamentals. they have-- they have been a little flashier. they should have been a little flashier. that's their problem. that's their problem right there. >> that's all you've got to do. but you always tell people, 90% of the people at home don't know what the hell is going on, either. ( laughter ) they're going to believe whatever you say. i>> stephen: you should go into politics. ( cheers and applause ) i would vote for you! i would vote for you! hey, 2020, man!
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i would vote for you. who would vote for charles barkley? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: think about it. >> hey, we need somebody. hey. we need somebody. >> stephen: we have to take a break. please don't go anywhere. we'll be right back with more charles barkley. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( ♪ ) only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®. for fast pain relief. so you don't have to stash antacids here.... here... or here. kick your antacid habit with prilosec otc. one pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. [ "werk it" by mama haze ] ♪ werk it now ♪ woo, werk it now, woo, werk it now ♪ ♪ baby watch me werk it like ♪ ♪ werk it now, woo. werk it now ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: he, everybody, we're back here with charles barkley. one of the joys of march madness, you spike lee, you do the capital one commercials. this is you in the chuck-cedo, right there. looking your best for the big dance right there. >> you have to be able to style at the final four. >> stephen: sure. >> it's an honor and a privilege. jim nantz, is in that ad. let me tell you something, spike and sam-- sam is great. i know he has been on here 100 times. he is so helpful when you're doing commercials. he'll give you subtle clues. but it's an honor-- i love capital one, number one. but working with sam and spike, it's awesome. we have so much fun, as you see. i mean, we have fun. >> stephen: but not all commercial endorsements this rthat fun. >> no, no. >> stephen: and you've done a lot over the years. you've done a lot over the
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years. what is the worst commercial endorsement you've ever done. >> anything revolving around food sucks. >> stephen: why? why? >> because you have to eat the food. ( laughter ) yeah. >> stephen: you don't like food. >> first of all, i love food. you can't get this fat. so, you know, when you do a commercial, like-- i remember i did one actually here in new york. i was eating a candy bar, and you know, you take about tent to 20 to 30 takes. so you know, you take a bite, and you have to smile and chew for, like, 30 to 45 secondses. then you spit in this nasty (bleep) bowl. and every time you look down, it's just like a big old bucket of candy bars that are all mangled. and i've done one with hamburgers before. and you chew-- because you have to hold it to get the shop. so you comiew the hamburgers for about 45 seconds. you're smiling, and then you spit it in a bucket. and then, like, every commercial, you look down, and you're like, "oh, my god." and, like, so, i told my agent--
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i almost fired him. i said, "if you ever get me another food commercial, i'm going to fire your ass." yeah. >> stephen: now, who is more shameless with endorsements? because you have a lot of endorsements. they're all fantastic. >> thank you. >> stephen: i like your food endorsements the best. but... ( laughter ) who is more shameless in endorsements, you or shaq? >> oh, shaq got no shame. zero! let me tell you something -- >> stephen: no shame game. >> listen, every time i look at tv, there's no doubt in my mind he's going to do tampons any day. it's just a matter of time. it's just a matter of time. >> stephen: good for him. >> no. >> stephen:ed if governor him! >> no. no. it's -- >> stephen: the new context, shaq pack. >> let me tell you something. it's a matter of time before he does tampons or depends. it's a matter of time. >> stephen: the n.c.a.a. tournament airs on cbs and tbs. the man is charles barky. we'll be right back with tig notaro. good boy!
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>> stephen: folks, my next guest is a delightful stand-up comedian who now stars in "star trek: discovery." please welcome tig notaro! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: the last time we were together was not on the show. we had-- we had a surprise meeting. >> we did. i-- well, i took a train from d.c. i was going to new york. >> stephen: me, too. >> yes. ( laughter ) should we end there? >> stephen: it would be daring. >> well, when i got on the train, i got into that car, the woman working, she said, you
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know, sit wherever you want. we're pretty light tonight." >> stephen: there was no one else on the car but you. >> right. and then i heard one other person shuffle in. and then i saw out of the corner of my eye, that they were going to sit across the aisle from me. and i was like oh, my god. this whole car is empty. must-- must you sit right next there? ( laughter ) and-- and then i looked over, and... ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) we were-- we were the only two people on the car. >> stephen: then we sat there and we talked for, like, two hours and 45 minutes. it was just delightful >> i know. i told people that you and i were the two-- only ones on that ride. and they were like, "that must
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have been insane!" and we just showed each other videos of our children. >> stephen: that's exactly right. how is your family, speaking of kids and family? >> they're great. yup, my sons will be three in june. and -- >> stephen: oh, that's-- so you've still got the 2s. we're still on the 2s right now. >> yes, and i thought you thought maybe i got rid of one. ( laughter ) i-- i-- i still have the 2. >> stephen: you still have the 2, really? >> yeah. yup, i kept them. >> stephen: because do you believe in the terrible 2 thing? >> i refuse to say it. i refuse to say it. we do have some tough times. but i refuse to say "terrible twos." >> stephen: "tough time twos." >> tough time twos. >> stephen: my people who say terrible twos have never had a three-year-old. because attitude neal, they're the same, but they're stronger. ( laughter ) >> or a 16-year-old. i would imagine it gets
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difficult. >> stephen: i still have teenagers. so legally i'm not allowed to say anything. ( laughter ) >> uh-huh. >> well, my wife and i, we work together, and we usually leave the house when we go to work. and then we come back together. and one day, we were working separately, and the alarm on our house upon say, "front door open," or "side door open." and i campaign hope alone one day. and when i walked in the side door it said, "side door open." and the boys were both yelling-- they call stephanie "mommy." and they were saying, "moment's home! moment's home! yeah, moment's home." and i came around the corner, and my son fin looked back at me and then he turned to max and he said, "it's just her." ( laughter )
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so maybe it is terrible 2s. >> stephen: wow, wow. >> i laughed so hard. >> stephen: that's really good. differentiating who they like at that age is very advanced. >> yeah. >> stephen: very advanced. you should feel good about that. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're now in "star trek: discovery." >> i am ( applause ). >> stephen: which is something i'm a little jealous of, a little jealous of. i'm a big fan of the whole universe. did you grow up as a big fan of the "star trek" continuum? i was into it when i was in elementary school and i had all the action figures i carried in my briefcase to school. >> stephen: briefcase? uh-huh. your attache? >> yeah. i remember i wanted my stepfather's briefcase when he was getting rid of it. and i was like, "this is going to be great, expwts put all my action figures in and went to school. had no idea i wasn't cool.
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( laughter ) but, but, yeah, it's-- it's-- it's a good time being on the show. i-- i never-- i didn't imagine my stand-up would, you know, send me to outer space. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, you're an engineer. you're an engineer. >> on the show. >> stephen: on the show. >> yeah. >> stephen: right. >> far from one in real life. >> stephen: uh-huh. we have a clip here. it's you, you're in the sick bay. do you want to set this up in any way? >> yeah, sure. i'm in the sick bay. ( laughter ) >> stephen: professional. ( applause ) that's a professional right there. jim? >> i need medical attention. >> commander. you have a, uh... hang nail. >> it hurts like a bitch and it's one of two things currently impeding my work.
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>> and what is the second thing? >> an idiot. he came bam backfrom the dead and his name rhyme with poo. i'm a engineer, not a poet. >> really? >> ow! what the hell was that? >> medical attention. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i really believed you had a hang nail. i really believed you had eye hang nail. you really sold that. >> yeah, i'm quite the actor. >> stephen: tig, it was good to you. thanks so much. "star trek: discovery" is on cbs all access. tig notaro, everybody! narrator: in utah, you're livin' on mountain time
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late sw

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