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tv   KPIX 5 News at 11PM  CBS  March 30, 2019 2:07am-2:37am PDT

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how does she do that? i cannot sleep in a public place. would you look at her? monica: how was it with your friends? ( screaming ) she's so peaceful. ( screams ) okay, how would you like some tiki death punch? what? what? hi. it's okay, you know. what's that? well, it's rum and... you just nodded off again. what's going on? okay. i got no sleep last night. my grandmother has this new boyfriend we thought we'd have kind of a slumber party thing. and they're both kind of insecure in bed. we got some trashy magazines we got cookie dough, we got "twister"... ( phone ringing ) and deaf. oh, and i brought "operation" they're constantly reassuring each other but i lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. that they're having a good time. but we can prep the guy. you have no idea how loud they are. rach, it's the visa card people. thanks. oh, god, ask them what they want.
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...95, 96, 97. see, i told you. less than 100 steps from our place to here. could you please tell me eren to? what thi yes... they thers been some unuy you got too much free time. on your account. but i haven't used my card in weeks. hey, there's the birthday boy. ross, check it out. that is the unusual activity. hockey tickets, rangers-penguins look, they just want to see if you're okay. and we're taking you. happy birthday. they want to know if i'm okay. we love you, man. okay, they want to know if i'm okay. that's funny. okay, let's see... my birthday was seven months ago. well, the fica guys took all my money. so? everyone i know is either getting married so, i'm guessing you had an extra ticket or getting pregnant or getting promoted and couldn't decide who got to bring a date. and i'm getting coffee, and it's not even for me. aren't we mr. the-glass-is-half-empty? so if that sounds like i'm okay oh, my god. then you can tell them i'm okay. okay? oh. is today the 20th, october 20th? i was hoping you wouldn't remember. uh, rachel has left the building. ( groans ) what's with the 20th? 11 days before halloween-- can you call back? all the good costumes are gone? all right, come on... today's the day carol and i first... let's play "twister." consummated our... physical relationship. with sex. sorry... sorry... sorry. uh-oh.
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you know what? i'd better pass on the game. what? i think i'll go home and think about my ex-wife there was ice there that night with carol? plastic seats? and her lesbian lover. to hell with hockey. let's all do that. 4,000 angry pittsburgh fans? no, actually, i was just saying looks like we're not sitting together. come on, ross. you, me, joey but now that you mention it, there was ice there that night. ice, guys night out. what do you say, big guy? huh? it was the first frost. huh? huh? what are you doing? we were... i have no idea. come on, ross. sit, sit... sit down, sit. all right. you should feel great. maybe it will take my mind off it. you're doing this amazing independent thing. will you buy me a big foam finger? monica, what is so amazing? you got it. look. look. look. i gave up, like, everything. my first paycheck. ( cheering ) and for what? look. there's my name. you are just like jack. hi, me. jack from downstairs? i remember the day no, jack and the beanstalk. i got my first paycheck. there was a cave-in in the mines. ah, the other jack. eight people were killed. yeah, right. see, he gave up something wow. you worked in a mine? but then he got those magic beans no. i worked at a dairy queen. why? and then he woke up and there was this big plant outside of his window oh! isn't this exciting? full of possibilities and stuff i earned this. and he lived in a village, and you live in the village... i wiped tables for it. i steamed milk for it. okay, but, pheebs, pheebs...
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jack gave up a cow. who's "fica"? why's he getting all my money? i gave up an orthodontist. i know i didn't love him. i mean, what..? see, jack did love the cow. chandler, look at that. but, see, it was a plan. oh. this is not that bad. it was clear. oh. you're fine for a first job. everything was figured out and now everything's kind of like... ross: you can totally totally live on this. floopy? yeah. phoebe: yeah. you're not the only one. hey, by the way, great service today. half the time, we don't know where we're going. all: yeah. at some point, it's all going to come together and it's just going to be... un-floopy. all: hockey! like that's a word. but, monica, what if it doesn't come together? pheebs? well, 'cause you just like... i don't like this question. guys: hockey! okay, see, see, you guys-- rachel? what if we don't get magic beans? ( gasps ): oh, my god! ( screaming ) what if all we've got are... beans? i've seen birds do this ross: get him. on wild kingdom. get him, get him. what are you guys doing here? yes! you're not laughing now
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well, we were in the city shopping are you, pal? that's all y nee- and your mom said you work here wellpass it! and it's true! look at you. you look like you're in a play. ey ohh... god, look at you. hey, look, we're on that tv thing. you are so big. i can't believe it. i know. i know. hey, look at that, hey! i'm a duplex. so what's going on with you? well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? ( screaming ) and while we're on the subject of news... ( screaming ) look. look. i have elbows. ( screaming ) passes to leech leech spots messier in the crease. here's the pass... we'll take a time out while messier stops to look at women's shoes. carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we... we first, you know... in fact, she, uh, never took them off. ( laughs )
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sorry. n' ( groans ) what? peach pit. yes, bunny? peach pit. that night we, uh, we had... peaches? actually, nectarines. but, basically... could have been a peach. then we, uh... then we got dressed and i walked her to the... the bus stop. ( sighs ) i'm fine. hey, that woman's got an ass like carol's. excuse me. it says to call this number what? if you're not completely satisfied i thought we were trying to find stuff. with this candy bar. all right, let's talk reality for a second. when are you coming home? well, i'm not completely satisfied. what... i'm not. listen, it's kind of an emergency. come on, this is us. well, i guess you'd know that or we'd be in the predicament room. i'm not. ( laughing ) this is what i'm doing now. i've got this job... hold on. fill these out. sit over there. waitressing? i'm not just waitressing.
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look, i don't want to make any trouble i mean... i, um... but i'm in a lot of pain. my face is dented. i write the specials on the specials board you'll have to wait your turn. how long do you think and i... i, uh... it'll be? any minute now. i take the dead flowers out of the vase oh, and sometimes arturo hey, miss... lets me put the chocolate blobbies on the cookies. uh... well, your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies. and because redfin.com is america's #1 brokerage site oh... i'm so sorry, you guys. our agents get more eyes on your home i didn't mean to bring you down. so you sell for thousands more no, you were right-- i don't have a plan. than the one next door. don't get stuck in the past. sell with a redfin agent. ( knocking at door ) pizza guy! oh, thank god. food! phoebe? what? do you have a plan? i don't even have a "pla." hi. one mushroom, green pepper and onion? no, no... no, that's not what we ordered! we ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese!
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wait. you're not g. stephanopoulos? man, my dad's going to kill me! wait! did you say g. stephanopoulos? yeah. this one goes across the street. i must have given him yours. bonehead! bonehead! was this a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks? yeah. that sounds about right. was he... was he wearing a stunning blue suit? and a power tie? no. pretty much just a towel. oh, god. so you guys want me to take this back? what? are you nuts? we've got george stephanopoulos' pizza! here. uh, pheebs... who is george snuffleupagus? that's big bird's friend. i see pizza! i want to see! let me see!
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hello? who are we spying on? you know the white house advisor? clinton's campaign guy with great hair, sexy smile... really cute butt? oh, him! the little guy! , i loim! uh, wait.im! the little guy! wait. i see a woman. tell me it's his mother. it's definitely not his mother. oh, no... wait. she's walking across the floor. she's walking... she's walking... she's going for the pizza... hey, that's not for you, bitch! excuse me. we've been here over an hour and people less sick than my friend have gone in. i mean, that guy with the toe thing? who's he sleeping with? i know we both said some things we...
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didn't mean, but... that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. you know, i... i feel like i've lost her. bah! yeah. well, maybe they're napping. oh, please. they're having sex. both: shut up! so... what do you think george is like? i think he's shy. yeah? i think you have to draw him out, and then... when you do, he's a preppy animal. i remember the moonlight coming in through the open window. faad the most incredible glow. yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling. you did this part. could i get some painkillers over here, please? he's right.
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enough already. what is the big deal about today? so you slept with her for the first time-- so what? you slept with her for seven years after that. it's just a little more complicated. is it that she left you, that she likes women that she left you for another woman that likes women? a little louder, okay? there's a man on the 12th floor in a coma who didn't quite hear you. then what? my first time with carol was... ( mumbling ): my first time. what? ( louder ): it was my first... time. with carol? oh... so in your whole life you've only been with one... oh. whoa, boy, hockey was a big mistake. there's a whole bunch of stuff we could have done tonight.
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okay, i got one. do you remember that vegetarian pate that i made that you loved so much? (uc well, unless goose is a vegetable... much? oh! oh! okay, fine, fine. now i don't feel so bad about sleeping with jason hurley. what?! you slept with jason? you'd already broken up. how long? just a couple hours. well, that's nice. okay, okay, i got one. anyway, the valentine tommy rollerson left in your locker was really from me! excuse me? oh, hello? like he was really going to send you one. she was a big girl. really? well, at least big girls don't pee in their pants in seventh grade.
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i was laughing! you made me laugh! ( both arguing ) there he is! where? right where we've been looking all night. oh, he's so cute. oh, george, baby, drop the towel! drop the towel. drop the towel. wow! wow! wow! man, can you believe he's only had sex with one woman? i think it's great. you know, it's sweet, it's romantic... really? nah. you kidding? the guy's a freak. hey! hey, buddy! huh? huh? oh... that's attractive. oh, i thought you were great in the silence of the lambs. oh, come on, admit it-- you had fun tonight.
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fun? where was the fun? tell me specifically which part was the fun part? where's my puck? oh, the kid has it. the kid? excuse me. that's... that's my puck. i found it. finders keepers, losers weepers. you got to do it, man. oh, yeah? well, i'm rubber, you're glue. whatever you... i can't do it. listen, uh... give me back my puck. no. yes. how about? no! no! give me my puck... hey! no roughhousing in my e.r.! give me my puck! now, that was fun.
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okay, monica, "right foot red." we could have played monopoly, but no... ( knock at door ) thanks. okay, pheebs, "right hand blue."
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good. ( phone rings ) hello? oh, uh, rachel, it's the visa card people. will you tak my place? hello? oh, yeah, i know. i haven't been using it much. oh! well, thanks, but i'm okay, really. to the gray, to the gray. i've got magic beans. no, no, never... never mind. ( all yelling ) i'm fine. [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]
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where now i can retire when i'm ready.
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