tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 26, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
a murder in oakland and a murder and san francisco has been apprehended in nevada. "the late show with ephen captioning sponsored by cbs >> kirstjen nielsen is out as homeland security secretary, reportedly forced to resign by president trump, who has become increasingly frustrated by the surge of migrants crossing the border. >> looking for the perfect way to say goodbye to kirstjen nielsen? let hallmark help. introducing the kirstjen nielsen farewell card collectjion. you'll find sentimental cards like, "we've lost track of all the good times... and over 1,500 migrant children." "i'm not crying because you're leaving... i'm crying because you shot tear gas at me as i was seeking asylum." "everyone wants to say thank you... at least, that's what i think those people in the restaurant were yelling."
and finally, "don't think of this as goodbye... think of it as see you later, at the war crimes tribunal." ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, kirstjen fjired. plus, stephen welcomes: zach galifianakis. congressman eric swalwell. and musical guest ellie goulding. with special appearances by players from the final four. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome, one and all! thank you very much! please, have a seat, everybody!
thank you very much! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. welcome. ( cheers and applause ) welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now, you may have noticed... ( cheers and applause ) you may have noticed, we are on a little later than usual tonight, because we're following the n.c.a.a. men's basketball championship. and i just want to say right off the bat, congratulations to my favorite team: the ones who were the winners. ( laughter ) i believed in you! i believed in you! ( applause ) whole way, you know that. i've always said that. one person who's not feeling like a champion right now is secretary of homeland security, kirstjen nielsen, seen here as happy as she'll ever be again. because, last night, nielsen resigned as trump's homeland security secretary.
( cheers and applause ) i believe she's leaving to spend more time separating her family. ( laughter ) now, even though... ( laughter ) even though nielsen officially wasn't "fired," reportedly, she "did not resign willingly." ( laughter ) not fired, but not willingly. that sounds like splitting hairs. "no, sarah did not dump me. she begged me to dump her." ( laughter ) now, nielsen's departure is not a total shock. reportedly, for weeks, nielsen has felt "in limbo." limbo is the right word here, because we've all been watching just how low she can go. last fall-- ( cheers and applause ) last fall, trump told aides he
wanted to fire nielsen because she wasn't tough enough on... ♪ the caravan! ( band playing ) ( cheering ) ( clapping in time to music ) ( laughter ) two spins too many on that one. ( laughter ) now, sure, she put kids in cages, but trump was upset because "nielsen hasn't enacted stricter immigration rules." so, he just needs someone who can be crueler to children than kirstjen nielsen. get ready for secretary of homeland security pennywise. ( laughter ) and, of course, she will be taking his place. ( laughter ) trump didn't like nielsen, and she was so clearly miserable. why didn't she resign sooner? well, according to people close to her, "she was aware of how
awful life would be for her on the outside after defending his policies." yes, it is going to be-- it's true, it is going to be rough for her on the outside. we actually, yeah, i'm being told we have footage of her after she resigned, on her way to applebees. >> crowd: boo! >> shame! shame! >> stephen: i like the new haircut, though. ( cheers and applause ) i like the new-- it's very french. >> jon: very low cut. >> stephen: i like the pixie cut. it's very nice. a lot of people say the man behind nielsen's outing is white house senior advisor... ( audience booing ) ...and man who haunts freddy krueger's nightmares, stephen miller. apparently, miller and neilsen butted heads a lot. according to insiders, it was so bad that "the two could barely be in the same room without making other top officials uncomfortable." and now that she's out, stephen miller can go back to making people uncomfortable all by himself. ( laughter ) accord o
"neilsen thought miller was an egomaniacal lunatic who hated brown people." and miller thought that was a compliment. ( laughter ) now-- now-- ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) i can't fight that. you think i want to fight that? >> jon: i mean, right. >> stephen: now that nielsen's gone, miller may get his way on other issues, too. because "in a recent oval office meeting, trump told miller he would be in charge of handling all immigration and border affairs." ( booing ) that includes what happens to refugee children, and trump just made their babysitter this guy. ( audience reacts ) "kids, let's finish the bedtime story. luckily, the witch caught hansel and gretel and ate them before they invaded her sovereign territory. ( laughter ) okay, time to feed my snake."
( laughter ) ( piano riff ) hard to get that dead-eye voice. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know. i don't know, jon. and this is just the beginning, because reportedly, more top homeland security officials are about to be fired as part of what the "new york times" called the "trump purge." it's funny, i know when i think about trump, i feel like purging. and, trump's purge... ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) purging. purging. >> jon: purge. the urge to purge. >> stephen: trump's purge has also led to a flood of leaks. it turns out, one thing he and nielsen clashed about was how reinstate broader family separation policies." ( as trump ) "listen, kirstjen, i know it's not popular, but will you at least take away my kids? ( cheers and applause ) just do me a solid, just, just
take care of it." ( applause ) the purge is well underway, because a few hours ago, we learned that trump is removing secret service director, randolph "tex" alice. ( as trump ) "he claimed his name was tex, but he never once whipped out a rattlesnake and used it to lasso a mexican. total con job." ( laughter ) according to sources-- according to sources, alice was told something might happen two weeks ago, but it still had to come as a shock, especially considering "secret service officials have been caught by surprise with the news and are only finding out through cnn." ( audience reacts ) i think we just found out how mick mulvaney fires people. "hey, tex, mind if i turn on 'wolf blitzer?' yeah, they're covering a story you might be interested in." ( laughter ) now, trump's upset with homeland security, but his real problem,
as usual, is with the law. because the law says anyone facing persecution in central american countries, including children, who makes it to u.s. border, can go to officials and request asylum, will be granted asylum. but here's the thing. the more trump complains about illegal immigrants, the worse the problem gets. because some experts say that "migrants are choosing to make the crossing now because they fear that trump's tough policies will make it harder to get across later." that is classical psychological manipulation. tell them they can't come, and it just makes them want it more. just like those silica gel packets that say "do not eat." ( laughter ) nice try. nice try, silica gel packets. ( cheers and applause ) oh, so delicious. so delicious. you get very thirsty afterwards. ( laughter ) now, last night, trump tweeted a stern warning to, well,
everybody: "more apprehensions-- captures-- at the southern border than in many years. border patrol amazing! country is full! system has been broken for many years. democrats in congress must agree to fix loopholes-- no open borders-- crimes and drugs. will close southern border if necessary dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. mexico must apprehend all illegals and not let them make the long march up to the united states, or we will have no other choice than to close the border and/or institute tariffs. our country is full!" ( cheers and applause ) okay.okay ( cheers and applause ) first off, i don't think our country is fmean, diu see his inauguration crowd? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
look at all that! it's clearly-- it's not-- >> jon: ♪ not full ♪ yeah, yeah >> stephen: look at all that empty space! you could fit, like, three mexicos in there. ( laughter ) and he's saying this full thing a lot. on saturday, he gave a speech to the republican jewish coalition in mega-donor sheldon adelson's casino. adelson was there, here he is listening to trump. here's how old adelson is -- that's the "front" of his head. ( laughter ) now, trump explained-- true story, it's true. >> jon: oh, that's cold. >> stephen: absolutely true. trump explained why he wants to turn away desperate migrants fleeing for their lives. . can't come d c our country is full.
can't come in, i'm sorry. it's very simple. ( applause ) >> stephen: again, that's the republican jewish coalition applauding turning away immigrants fleeing persecution. hashtag always forget. ( audience reacts ) now trump is saying-- ( cheers and applause ) is that the hashtag? that was the hashtag. i don't know. ( applause ) trump's saying this full thing over and over again. it's the new "lock her up" or "build the wall." you know, eventually, it's going to end up as a call and response. ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) ♪ migrants come from mexico land ♪ ♪ no, our country's full ♪ they want to form a caravan
♪ no, our country's full ♪ so why don't you go down miller ♪ ♪ build that wall on the border land ♪ ♪ tell old pedro, no, our country's full ♪ ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight! zach galifianakis is here. but when we return, my staff has questions for the final four teams. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ his is the oldest registered distillery
in the united states. from a place where the water is cool, clean, and iron-free. perfect for making tennessee whiskey. charcoal mellowed drop by drop for smooth sipping. ♪ which is the not the easy way... ♪ ...but it's his way. ♪ kohl's lowest prices of the season! prices so low - no coupons needed! kids' tops - $5.99... girl's sandals - $16.99... outdoor table top - 60% off... plus - get kohl's cash! it's the lowest prices of the season wednesday through sunday - at kohl's. i am totally blind. and non-24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. talk to your doctor, and call 844-214-2424.
-keith used to be great to road-trip with. but since he bought his house... are you going 45? -uh, yes. 55 is a suggestion. -...it's kind of like driving with his dad. -what a sign, huh? terry, can you take a selfie of me? -take a selfie of you? -yeah. can you make it look like i'm holding it? -he did show us how to bundle home and auto at progressive.com and save a bunch of money. -oh, a plaque. "he later navigated northward, leaving... progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents. but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. but we can protect your home and auto try dove go fresh... something fresh? with the classic, crisp scent of cucumber & green tea... ... 48 hour protection... ...and signature freshness. now available in new deodorant wipes. keep it fresh!
what sore muscles? what with advpounding head? .. advil is... relief that's fast. strength that lasts. you'll ask... what pain? with advil. featuring three new dishes that are planked-to-perfection. feast on new cedar-plank lobster & shrimp. or new colossal shrimp & salmon with a citrusy drizzle. tender, smoky, and together on one plank... ...but not for long- so hurry in!
yoooh, hello yellow! at ross and you find... yes! that's yes for less. spring forward with the latest brand-name styles at 20 to 60 percent off department store prices. at ross. yes for less. ...you realize you can totally eat out more? that's yes for less. get the latest spring trends for your home at 20 to 60 percent off specialty store prices. at ross. yes for less.
( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! jon, you know, zach galifianakis is going to be out here in a little while. >> jon: yes, indeed, zach galifianakis! >> stephen: very funny man. he's got a-- does he still have the beard? i haven't seen him in a while. does he still have the beard? >> jon: yeah, nice beard. >> stephen: yeah. >> jon: his beard is named shelly. he named his beard shelly. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the beard has a name? >> jon: yep. >> stephen: i did not know that. >> jon: the beard has a name. >> stephen: how did you though this? do you know mr. galifianakis? >> jon: i don't know him, but i heard it somewhere in passing, so i believe it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're very trusting, jon. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i'll ask him when he
comes out here. >> jon: i want it to be true so badly. >> stephen: you know what, so do i, i want it to be true, too. ( laughter ) i hope we're not disappointed. that would be heartbreaking. >> jon: it would really be a tragedy. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) you know folks, as i mentioned, tonight was the n.c.a.a. championship game. it marks the end of the "final four weekend" when all four teams converged in minneapolis. it's been so exciting to watch these college athletes make it to the end of this huge tournament. everyone here at "the late show" wishes they could ask some of these final four teams just one question. so this weekend we sent our crew up to minneapolis to talk to the final four teams, and three of them said yes. ( laughter ) this is the late show's "just one question: march madness edition." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> what does playing in the
n.c.a.a. championship mean to you? >> it means everything to me. you grew up as a kid dreaming it would come true and you worked everyday to get to this point and now that you're here you just have to make the most of it. >> your coach tom izzo has been to eight final fours. what's it like to play for someone like that? >> it's cool, but his first one was 20 years ago. i'm beginning to think he's not in college anymore. >> what's the worst call you've ever seen? >> probably when "green book" won best picture. ( applause ) >> who's your biggest rivalry? >> definitely the person on ebay who that keeps outbidding me on robocop figurines. i'm going to find you robo-lover 44! >> basketball is all about awareness, so are you always ready to catch a pass? >> always. >> think fast! >> aaahhh! oooh! >> what do you listen to before the game to get fired up? >> i don't listen to music before games. i play music.
( sour music ) >> so when you're in the finals, i imagine it's important to clear your head and stay focused only on the game, right? >> oh, absolutely. >> cool. so what is string theory? >> it's a unifying physics theory that reconciles the difference between quantum theory and theory of relativity with a theoretical framework in which the point like particles of particle physics are replaced by one dimensional objects called strings. >> hey, i have a question for you. what's wrong with my basketball? >> that's a football. >> okay, fine, then, what's wrong with my football? >> or any force, that matter, can be broken down into atoms which in turn can be broken down into electrons and quarks. and even those-- >> do you have any pre-game superstitions? >> yeah, before every game i put on basketball shoes. >> i've always wondered, what kind of tech do you make at texas tech? >> we make all the robot cowboys for "westworld." ( laughter ) >> however, by simply modifying
the equation to include representation of loops of string, boom, the equation works. got it? >> thanks, man. do you ever give your players a big locker room speech like gene hackman in hoosiers? >> well no, not exactly, but sometimes i do bill pullman's speech from "independence day." we will not go quietly into the night. we will not vanish without a fight. we are going to live on. we are going to survive. today we celebrate our independence day! ( cheers and applause ) withach gafianakis. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job.
what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. so get allstate... and be better protected from mayhem... like me. ♪ at your fingertips. ♪ download doordash. first order, $0 delivery fee. download doordash. what would i say to somebody keep being you.? and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for hiv in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. that means the amount of virus is so low it can't be measured in lab tests. serious side effects can occur,
including kidney problems, and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're hiv-positive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. with secret slim pockets. high-rise rockstar slimming panels for your best shape, in any size. starting saturday, hurry in to get jeans up to 50% off. with jeans on sale from just fifteen bucks. starts this saturday, at old navy.
>> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmy award winning comedian you know from the "hangover" movies, "between two ferns," and "baskets." please welcome to "the late show," zach galifianakis! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: hi. >> hi. >> stephen: hi, nice to have you on. >> nice to be here, stephen. thank you very much. >> stephen: i have a couple of questions right off the bean here. >> just two? good. >> stephen: yeah, before we get to any of the other questions, one just occurred to me because jon was saying before -- what did you hear, jon?
jon, zach, jon. zach plays the piano, too. >> a little bit. >> stephen: you heard a story about his face. >> jon: yes, i heard it's named shelly. >> stephen: your beard. >> it's sheila. >> jon: oh! sheila. ( applause ) >> stephen: wow. >> but i did name it. it's very close to shelly, but it's sheila. i also have a merkin if you want to ask about that. you know what a merkin is? >> stephen: sure, i know what a merkin is, i'm an adult. >> are you proud to be an a- merkin? ( laughter ) >> stephen: what is your merkin called? >> chuck. >> stephen: now is this beard called sheila and if you shaved it off, will you have a different name for a different beard? >> this will always be sheila. >> stephen: always be sheila, okay. okay, you got a standing ovation when you came out here, people love zach galiafinakis, you've done stand up, tv, movies, web series. where do most people know you from when they stop you on the street or yelling at you going down the sidewalk.
what is the thing-- >> usually i just hear, hey, sheila! ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you go, i'm here, too? >> the other day, i was in venice, i was walking around -- not really walking, i was just standing there, and this guy walks up to me and he goes, hey, anybody ever tell you you look like the guy from "hangover 3"? ( laughter ) i said, yeah, i get that all the time. he just walked away. that was the extent of the conversation. >> stephen: three? >> three. so then, last week, i was at work and i had this -- i kind of had a hair extension on the back of my hair and i was at a convenience store during my lunch break. >> stephen: this is for "baskets"? >> yes, i was on the outskirts of l.a. in line to buy something and the cashier goes, you look familiar.
and the guy behind me goes, it's chuck norris! it's chuck norris! ( laughter ) and then i hear the cashier go, he's trying to figure it out, i think he's in "hangover 3." no, he didn't say that. i can't believe i got mistaken for chuck norris. >> stephen: you could have been walker texas ranger. >> i love that, that would be-- >> stephen: do you know any martial arts of any kind? >> do i look like i do? >> stephen: you look just like chuck norris. ( laughter ) >> no, i don't know any of the martial arts. >> stephen: we have something in common, you're from north carolina and i'm from south carolina. people mix up towns like, oh, yeah, south carolina, i have a friend from charlotte. go to hell. okay, they're very different states. are you a proud tar heel? >> i'm more proud of being fro be for being from south carolina. ( audience reacts ) ooh!
>> stephen: wow, wow! wow! wow. >> yeah, this is some inner carolina fighting now. >> stephen: the funny thing is they think we're joking. >> we're not. you really have a bias against people from north carolina? >> stephen: no, i only have something against your barbecue. >> those are fighting words. >> stephen: i know. these are the things, we received a letter from the governor of the state saying come down here and taste our barbecue and then i'll punch you in the face. ( laughter ) they're really mad at me in north carolina. i love everything about north carolina, i love the mountains, the outer banks, i love everything about north carolina other than that damn vinegar stuff that you put on the barbecue. perfectly fine dry rub smoked barbecue, then you come there and just ( bleep ) all over it with vinegar! what are you doing? what are you doing?enthere's a f different barbecue sauces, but the characteristic of south carolina is mustard based. >> mustard based, right.
we're vinegar based. we can be different, stephen. we don't have to build a wall between us. >> stephen: that's south of the border is what that is. >> oh, my god. >> stephen: oh, my god. because you -- because, you know, you're from north carolina, my friend, are you from the raleigh area? >> i'm from the foothills, the mountains. >> stephen: my friend amy sedaris grew up in raleigh. and her congressman was your uncle was congressman nick galifianakis. >> yes. >> stephen: do you know the campaign song of your uncle nick? >> i only know it because old people like you have -- ( laughter ) i'ly five years younger than >>'ve d peoping itot i' never he heard people, but i don't know
the original or anything like that. so he had my last name, i have his last name, which is very long. >> stephen: yes. >> so they came up with a song so people would remember the name, i guess. >> stephen: right, but it was really the nick part that people -- ♪ n is for nick, nick galifianakis ♪ ♪ i. is for his integrity ♪ c. is for congress ♪ k is for keep him there ♪ we need nick in washington, d.c. ♪ ♪ nick galifianakis ( cheers and applause ) >> how did you know it though? >> stephen: because amy sedaris loved that song so much that she used to sing that song. >> that is so cool. >> stephen: yeah. >> growing up, we had -- my mom taught us a song, funky cold medina -- ( laughter ) no. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> so we would learn our own last name and sesame street would have a song they would sing the 12. ♪ one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ♪ ♪ off we go to the lady bug's picnic ♪
>> stephen: yeah, sure. >> my name has 12, so -- ( laughter ) i just heard somebody yawn. >> stephen: no, that was a gasp of joy -- is he going to sing it?! ( laughter ) >> so now i don't want to sing it because i buried the lead. but it's (spelling galifianakis) off we go -- >> stephen: to the lady bug's picnic. >> yeah. it's a terrible story. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's a fine story. it's an absolutely fine story. ( cheers and applause ) okay, here we. go so now you've got a movie. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's an animated movie called "missing link." tell us what it's about. >> "missing link" is a stop motion -- you know what stop motion is. >> stephen: right, like claymation when we were kids and better now. >> yeah. it's about sasquatch who is
living in the northwest and he's lonely so he wants to see if there's any other sasquatches in the world so he writes a letter to a guy to help him find his ilk. so it's a road trip movie through the world with me and zoe saldana and jack human-- hugh jackman in it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, and i think we have a scene here with you and hugh. >> i personally brought the clip. >> stephen: yes. and this clip is -- you're supposed to know what it is. >> stephen: you don't know what it is? you're trying to get over a wall. >> it's animated. that's all you need to know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: jim. ♪ >> here, now, throw this rope over the wall. what did you just do? >> uh, what do you mean? i threw the rope over the wall. >> i didn't mean all of it.
well, you didn't say that. i'm very literal. >> you don't say. >> no, i do say. i just said it right then. aren't you listening? >> what are we going to do? >> you said throw the rope over, so i did. >> why didn't you just throw this over as well? >> okay. oh... >> rrrrr! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: say something. >> this is a great movie for kids, and i just want to tell you this thing, i was in a restaurant with my two-year-old the other day, and i, you know, it was quiet, and he just yelled out, "call the police, i farted!" have a good night! >> stephen: "missing link" is in theaters this friday. zach galifianakis, everybody! we'll be right back with california congressman eric swalwell who has something he's very excited to tell you. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
♪ recruits, we need your help. each of you has what it takes to be a hero. alone, our powers are great. but when we work together, we can save the universe. calling all heroes. team up with the avengers with every happy meal. report for duty at your nearest mcdonald's. marvel studios avengers:endgame. now in theaters.
and tripadvisor named us the best airline in the u.s. because we do everything differently... on purpose, for one purpose: you. you're the reason we fly to 100 destinations. and why we don't charge you fees to change your flight or check two bags. you. you. over 134 million of you chose to fly southwest last year. that's what matters most to us. [clap,clap,ding]
do you battery sound. want a charge? that's what matters most to us. yeah battery charging. ♪ ♪ thank you so much. battery charging. ♪ look limu. a civilian buying a new car.ug let's go. limu's right. liberty mutual can save you money by customizing your car insurance, so you only pay for what you need. oh... yeah, i've been a customer for years. huh... only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪
spending a lot of time in iowa. please welcome to the late show, congressman eric swalwell! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: congressman, good to have you here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: now, you serve on the house judiciary committee which oversees the president's immigration policies. how significant is the departure of kirstjen nielsen from the department of homeland security? >> well, it's a good thing for the kids who have been separated, but -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's next, though? >> so this is someone who separated moms from babies, put babies in cages. some of the kids died on her watch, and she's not cruel enough for this president. so i don't want to let the person who put these policies in
place off the hook. donald trump is malicious, but he's incompetent. ( cheers and applause ) so the only way he becomes effective is if people are willing to carry out his orders. we just need to make sure the next person is not willing to carry out an unlawful order. >> stephen: you've been very critical of donald trump as you have been tonight, in the past, you've called donald trump a wrecking ball, a russian agent. you're a congressman. >> yeah. >> stephen: what can you do to try to fix what you see is wrong with this country? >> i've already done a lot, but i can do more. i have been in congress six years, i've defended our country from the intelligence committee while democracy has been on the ropes. i took a group of young members of congress and we've gone all over the country to listen to and stand up for the next generation of americans. i see a country in quicksand, unable to solve problems and threats from abroad, unable to make life better for people at home. nothing gets done. i talk to teachers, truckers,
nurses, and they just feel like they're running in place and it's not adding up to anything. i talk to people just like me who are the first in their family to go to college, a lot of student debt, can't buy a home or start a business. i talk to kids in classes that are afraid they will be the victim of the next gun violence. and they see washington doing nothing about it after the moments of silence. they see lawmakers who love guns more than kids. none of that will change until we get a leader who is willing to go big to take on the issues, bold in the solutions we offer, and do good in the way we govern. i'm ready to solve these problems, i'm running for president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's official? is c. boy, did it feel good to say that. >> stephen: now it's official. congratulations. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it must feel good to say that because a lot of planning has to go into this moment. >> yeah. >> stephen: but now you get to
tell the rest of the world. >> we have been planning for a while and getting across the country and listening because you don't want to just jump into this thing and work backwards. >> stephen: to honor you announcing on our show, i'm giving you a very coveted "i announced on "the late show" with stephen colbert," very limited edition. >> yes, the colbert primary. >> stephen: yes. fewer of those are given out every year than the nobel prize. that's a rarity there. you're originally from iowa. >> yes. >> stephen: you've come from -- you've got republican parents, they've got a trump-pence magnet on their fridge, they watch fox news. >> yeah. >> stephen: and they're good people. mom and dads can watch fox news. are mom and dad going to vote for you? do you have that guarantee? >> whoo... ( laughter ) i would like at least to be in the voting booth to make sure. >> stephen: you have your phone with you? >> i have my phone with me.
>> stephen: let's call your mom. let's find out. ( cheers and applause ) >> boy -- battery's low, no service in here -- >> stephen: come on, call your mom. let's find out. put it on speaker. there you go. ( ringing ) may i first? >> yeah. >> hello. >> stephen: ms. swalwell? >> yes. >> stephen: ma'am, your son says he's running for president of the united states. are you going to vote for him? >> well, as long as none of his other brothers are running against him, i'll vote for him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> mom, i'm all in. thank you and dad for putting me in a position to be able to do something like this, you worked hard to make that happen. i love you guys. thank you. >> we love you. >> thank you, mom. >> stephen: bye! ( cheers and applause ) >> i think that's a yes?
>> stephen: okay. you better make sure your brothers don't run. ( laughter ) you have been very outspoken about trump and russia, but you're running on gun reform. you've partnered with parkland students, you're doing a town hall when? >> tomorrow we're launching the campaign from parkland at the b.b. & t. center down there. it's going to be a town hall. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: congressman, why is gun reform your issue? >> too many kids are dying and nobody in washington is doing enough about it. i'm bringing my wife, our son nelson and daughter cricket, and we're going down there to talk to these kids. they've already figured out the solutions are: background checks, investing in gang violence and prevention programs and banning and buying back all 15 million assault weapons out there. we have to do that first. ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you for announcing on our show.
and i don't want you to leave empty handed. we want to give you a parting gift. we've made you some lawn signs. >> huh-oh. >> stephen: we have swalwell, easier to say than buttigieg. >> just slightly. ( applause ) >> stephen: there's one for you right there. and swalwell, one of your top 20 choices. >> hoping to lower that, yes. top ten. >> stephen: well, congressman, thank you so much. good luck with the campaign. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: congressman eric swalwell, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by ellie goulding. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) breyers natural vanilla. milk, fresh cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. it's made with fresh cream, sugar and milk. breyers the good vanilla. we proudly partner with american farmers for grade a milk and cream. mmm!
[ pop ] [ pop ] [ electric sizzle ]ng ] [ ding ] [ dong ] [ whizzing whistle ] [ rubber duck squeaks ] ♪ [ firework explosions ] ♪ [ ding, ding, ding ] ohh. [ electric buzzing ] gasp... oww! [ electric buzzing ] is it to late to... ummm... [ electric buzzing ] [ electric buzzing ] never mind, it's fine. [ ding ] [ electric buzzing ] [ pop ] [ ding ] [ ding ] with advil liqui-gels, what stiff joints? what bad back? advil is... relief that's fast. strength that lasts. you'll ask... what pain? with advil liqui-gels.
with peak season berries, uniqcreamy avocado. and a dressing fit for a goddess. come taste what a salad should be. and with panera catering, there's more to go around. panera. food as it should be. ♪ his is the oldest registered distillery in the united states. from a place where the water is cool, clean, and iron-free. perfect for making tennessee whiskey. charcoal mellowed drop by drop for smooth sipping. ♪ which is the not the easy way... ♪ ...but it's his way. ♪
and you find the same style you knoyou saw there... ross ...here? that's yes for less. yes! say yes to those spring trends you love, at 20 to 60 percent off specialty store prices, every day. at ross. yes for less. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) introducing the high-rise rockstar with secret slim pockets. slimming panels for your best shape, in any size. starting saturday, hurry in to get jeans up to 50% off. with jeans on sale from just fifteen bucks. starts this saturday, at old navy. at your fingertips. ♪ download doordash.
first order, $0 delivery fee. ( ♪ ) only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®. for fast pain relief. so, you're open all day, that's what 24/7 means, sugar. kind of like how you get 24/7 access to licensed agents with geico. hmm? yeah, you just go online, or give them a call anytime. you don't say. yep. now what will it take to get 24/7 access to that lemon meringue pie? pie! pie's coming! that's what it takes, baby. geico®. great service from licensed agents, 24/7. i am totally blind. and non-24 can make me show up too early... or too late. or make me feel like i'm not really "there." talk to your doctor, and call 844-234-2424.
(vo) ♪ i know what you're thinking. electric, it's not for you. and, you're probably right. electric just doesn't have enough range. chargitations?r survive good luck finding one of those. so, maybe an electric car isn't for you after all. or, is it? ♪ >> stephen: performing her song, "flux" please welcome back to the late show, ellie goulding! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ remember me in a simple way ♪ not what i did or said when i think of you now ♪ i just think of the day we met don't forget me
♪ like i didn't care 'cause i stole from myself ♪ just to make you complete flux, flux ♪ i don't think you have the patience ♪ i don't think you know the difference ♪ flux, flux and i don't want ♪ cute imitations i know you wanted ♪ to save me and i'm still in love ♪ with the idea of loving you ♪ it's a state of flux but it's not enough ♪ and i'm still in love with the idea ♪ of loving you it's a state of flux ♪ i just keep holding on would you be taking me higher ♪ would we be living as liars i wanna know ♪ i wanna know
when the memories ♪ pack up and leave it will set me free ♪ all those days on the beach will be washing away from me ♪ i will keep you secretly just to keep the peace ♪ keep steering this ship through the dark ♪ and the stormy seas flux, flux ♪ i should be counting my blessings ♪ staying safe in confusion flux, flux ♪ and maybe i'm learning my lesson ♪ i know you wanted to save me ♪ i'm still in love with the idea ♪ of loving you it's a state of flux ♪ but it's not enough and i'm still in love ♪ with the idea of loving you ♪ it's a state of flux i just
keep holding on ♪ would you be taking me higher would we be living as liars ♪ i wanna know i wanna know ♪ would we be living in camden getting a ticket to your band ♪ i wanna know i wanna know ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ♪ oh, i'm still in love with the idea ♪ of loving you oh, with the idea ♪ it's a state of flux it's a state of ♪ but it's not enough it's not enough ♪ i'm still in love with the idea ♪ of loving you it's a state of flux
♪ i just keep holding on oh, i just keep holding on ♪ i'm still in love with the idea ♪ of loving you it's a state of flux ♪ but it's not enough oh, i'm still in love ♪ i'm still in love with the idea ♪ of loving you it's a state of flux ♪ i just keep holding on ( cheers and applause ) living joyfully.
>> stephen: now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from studio 56 in los angeles, california, united states, give it up for your