tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 13, 2019 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
on the bay bridge. but, you better be careful out captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump delivered an early christmas gift for anyone planning to buy electronics during the upcoming holiday shopping season. the administration delayed a 10% tariff on about $300 billion of chinese goods to december 15. >> we're doing this for christmas season. ♪ ♪ >> ho-ho-ho. the tariffs are delayed! president trump saved christmas! ( laughter ) >> um, wasn't this tariff thing a problem of his own making? >> you liberals are never happy. >> but he promised the tariffs wouldn't hurt americans. so why is he backing off? >> i don't know. i voted for him so we could say merry christmas. >> we could always say merry christmas. >> didn't he also say a trade war would be easy to win? none of this adds up.
>> fine! let's throw our support behind the abominable bernie. >> health care, in my view, is a human right. ( laughter ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, holy dow! plus, stephen welcomes curtis "50 cent" jackson. jillian bell. and musical guest tori kelly. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thank you, my friends. thank you, my friends-- and you are my friends.
welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. if you-- ( cheers and applause ) what time is it now? if you haven't seen the news, a bit of a rough day on wall street. the dow jones industrial average fell over 800 points. my condolences to the entire jones family. ( laughter ) >> jon: mrs. jones. >> stephen: our economy will be missed. ( laughter ) it's been a tumultuous week. on monday, the dow lost 391 points, then gained 382 on tuesday, only to plunge again today. when reached for comment, the market said this: ♪ i get knocked down but i get up again ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: experts advise that worried investors drink a whiskey drink, then a vodka drink, then a lager drink, then a cider drink. ( laughter ) so why the sudden panic? apparently, "the bond market, for the first time in over a decade, flashed a warning signal that has an eerily accurate track record for predicting recessions." that's right.
we're facing an inverted yield curve! do you have any idea what that means? if so, please tell me. ( laughter ) because i've been watching tv all day long, and i'm still not getting it. they keep showing us these charts and graphs, and they are not pretty, folks. it is very-- ( applause ) do something about that, chris. >> jon: oh, my. >> stephen: do something about that. now, one thing that is definitely not helping the world economy is trump's trade war with china. but we may be getting some relief, because yesterday, the white house announced that the president's latest tariffs on china will be delayed until december 15, effectively ensuring retailers can import goods for the holidays before the tariffs take effect. ( as trump )"i'm savg christ all you other holidays, you're on your own. ( laughter ) looking at you, chan-uh-kuh." ( laughter )
>> jon: oh, wow! >> stephen: "ra-shu-shuna." it's odd that trump would back down to protect american consumers, because he's been clear about one thing all along: >> the tariffs are not being paid for by our people. it's being paid for by china. you are not paying for those tariffs. china is paying for those tariffs. our people are not paying for it. they're paying for it. our people are not paying for it. china is paying for it, not our people. >> stephen: sounds good. never paid for it in my life. but then, yesterday, while explaining his reasons for the delay, trump said, yeah, we kind of do. >> we're doing this for christmas season, just in case some of the tariffs would have an impact on u.s. customers, which, so far, they've had virtually none. just in case they might have an impact on people, what we've done is we've delayed it so that they won't be relevant to the christmas shopping season. >> stephen: ( as trump ) "so, again, they don't hurt christmas shopping, but i'm delaying them so they won't hurt christmas shopping.
and i already know what i'm getting you this christmas. i'm getting you this big, fat lie that i'm telling right now. and i know its the same thing-- ( cheers and applause ) i know-- ( piano riff ) i know it's the same thing i got you last year, but i buy them in bulk from china." ( laughter ) the items spared until christmas include ice hockey gloves, human hair fashioned into wigs or false beards, and prepared or preserved frog meat. you know, stocking stuffers. ( laughter ) i still remember those magical christmas mornings, running downstairs and seeing mom wearing her ice hockey gloves and her fake beard, ladling out the frog nog. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, my gosh. >> stephen: one product that has been dropped from trump's tariff list permanently is bibles. wait a second! hold the wha!
>> jon: huh? >> stephen: our bibles come from china? no wonder jesus is always talking about sharing everything with the poor. they're selling us commie jesus! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i've had it. i've had it! we don't need no commie jesus! lucky american jesus wants me to win the lotto. ( laughter ) whispers numbers into my ear when i'm driving. that's why the kids have got to stay quiet. but the race to replace trump keeps heating up, and i'll tell you all about it in tonight's "doin' it donkey style." >> nevertheless, she persisted! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: first up on the "d" style is former colorado governor john hickenlooper, seen here ia ckenlooper has str t gain tractn and issibi ente thefor 's republican-held senate seat.
bravo! bravo! ( cheers and applause ) good for you! i like that. you see, finally, a man willing to put aside his ego and do what is good for the country. that guy should run for president. ( cheers and applause ) and the numbers back up his decision. on sunday, "the denver post" published a poll saying hickenlooper would lead other democrats in the colorado senate race by 51 percentage points, which shocked hickenlooper. ( laughter ) he did not know that poll numbers could have two digits. ( laughter ) and he's put a lot of thought into this. and he's taking the idea of dropping out seriously. in fact, last weekend, hickenlooper hopped into senator michael bennet's car to discuss his impending decision. bennet listened to hickenlooper carefully, then thoughtfully replied, "who are you?" ( laughter ) but other democratic candidates -- ( applause )
thank you. other democratic candidates are still going strong, like south bend mayor and photo on the inside flap-- ( cheers and applause ) south bend mayor and photo on the inside flap of a self- published poetry book, mayor pete buttigieg. ( laughter ) mayor pete was at the iowa state fair yesterday, and he showed that he's willing to put his body on the line to be president. here he is diving into some deep fried oreos. >> you want some? i mean, i'm not going to eat all six. >> stephen: well, then you're not going to be president, pete! ( laughter ) "i'm not going to eat all six." ( applause ) oh, someone's too good for cardiac arrest. don't you know gorging yourself in public is how american knows) chester a. arthur got the job by winning a pie-eating contest. ( laughter ) they didn't even bother holding an election! they just hosed him off and inaugud
but, of course, it wasn't all fried fun and games, because mayor pete's day took a bit of a darker turn when he talked to this veteran iowa fair-goer. >> i shook robert kennedy's hand. >> all right, so you're good luck? >> no! it was a month before he got shot! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: ( as old woman ) "i shake every candidate's hand to see if it was just me! ( laughter ) that ancient fortune teller said all i touch would wither to dust. you are doomed! you going to finish those oreos?" ( laughter ) there's also news about vermont senator and sentient dryer lint, bernie sanders. ( laughter ) for years, the bern has been critical of corporate america, especially amazon c.e.o. and super-cool penis, jeff bezos. ( laughter ) ( applause )
>>on: whoa! >> stephen: hey, ladies. look, but don't touch. at a recent event in new hampshire, bernie went after bezos again. >> you know, if you look at "the washington post"-- which is owned by the wealthiest guy in this country, a guy named jeff bezos-- amazon made $10 billion in profit last year. you know how much they paid in taxes? you got it! zero! any wonder why "the washington post" is not one of my great supporters? i wonder why. >> stephen: wait, is that-- he's stealing trump's thing. ( as bernie ) "yes, the jeff bezos 'the washington post' is-- i think, and i am coining this phrase-- fake news! sad! it's a witch hunt! a witch... hunt! god bless the united stush." ( cheers and applause ) bernie went on to explain why
he's worried about corporate media, saying "large corporations own the media in america, by and large, and i think there is a framework, about how the corporate media focuses on politics." okay, bernie, that's ridiculous. i, stephen colbert, work for a major corporate media. but i'm free from corporate influence and i can say whatever i want. which reminds me: all hail the glorious merger of viacom and cbs! ( cheers and applause ) may it forever bolster our premium content portfolio and position us to span all content categories and demographics, creating eternal value for shareholders! viacom-cbs: stronger together! ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. curtis "50 cent" jackson is here. but when we return, i send one of my writers to iowa! stick around. -guys, i want you to meet someone.
this is jamie. you're going to be seeing a lot more of him now. -i'm not calling him "dad." -oh, n-no. -look, [sighs] i get it. some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle ansave with progressive, but hey, we're all in this together. right, champ? -i'm getting more nuggets. -how about some carrots? you don't want to ruin your dinner. -you're not my dad! -that's fair. overstepped. -that's fair. did you know you can save money
by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes? try dawn ultra. dawn is for more than just dishes. with 3x more grease cleaning power per drop, it tackles tough grease on a variety of surfaces. try dawn ultra. seventh generation gets the laundry detergent from plants, not petroleum. and this stuff beets stains. its kind of a big dill. it squashes sixty of your toughest stains. seventh generation. powered by plants
of certain cancers clater in life.k from an infection, human papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. i knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. i knew there was a vaccine available that could help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. i knew. so i talked to my child's doctor. now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, don't wait. talk to your child's doctor today.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, jon batiste and stay human, everybody! that's the band right there. i'm not the band. that's the band right there. ( cheers and applause ) you know who is coming up, jon, is our friend half-dollar jackson. ( laughter ) curtis "50 cent" jackson. >> jon: 50 cent. fitty cent. yeah. >> stephen: always fun-- always fun to talk with him. always gives me good advice. >> jon: oh, yeah, he's great. >> stephen: now folks, as i said a little earlier, all the candidates are in iowa now. in fact, this week, 22 different democratic candidates made stops
at the iowa state fair, giving voters a chance to watch them deliver stump speeches, flip pork chops, and finally find out if anyone can tell the difference between john delaney and a corn dog. ( laughter ) nope, i don't see it. i don't see it. there are so many candidates in the race, that i don't think people know who they all are. in fact, last week, we had our writer brian stack walk around new york pretending to be a made-up presidential candidate named gregory whytman. ( laughter ) and a lot of people bought it. excited to meet him. so we wanted to know if our fake candidate could appeal to the real people of iowa. jim? before gregory whytman campaigned at the iowa state fair, he needed advice from a professional. so he met with real-life presidential candidate and governor of the great state of montana, steve bullock, at a popular iowa campaign stop. >> h >> great meeting you. >> stephen: bullock was the
perfect candidate for gregory to talk to, since he and whytman (alaughter ) governor bullock had some simple advice: >> i would just be yourself. >> be myself. >> be yourself. >> that's tough because i don't like myself. ( laughter ) hi there. you know, believe it or not, one of us is governor steve bullock who is running for president. can you guess which one? >> is it you? >> i'm steve bullock, the governor of montana. >> nice to meet you. >> what's your name? >> sue scott. >> oh, hi, i'm gregory whytman. i'm also running for president. >> nice to meet you. >> can i ask you real quick which of the two of us you were most impressed with in the last debate? >> oh, what a great question. i think it w t. ( laughter ) >> that's very kind of you. >> stephen: it was time to hit the state fair and give iowa voters whytman's campaign message-- whatever that is. >> what is your main reason why i should vote for you for president?
>> you know, if i'm really honest, my driving force is to make... denise dibilbus, who wouldn't go to senior prom with me, regret that decision. >> okay, that doesn't make me want to vote for you. >> well, if i'm president, she's going to regret that decision, don't you think? >> but that doesn't make me want to vote for you. >> oh, you're right, i need more. you don't even know denise dibilbus. >> no. >> thank you for agreeing to ride this thing with me. you know, it's a tough decision, but have you given any thought who you're going to vote for? >> trump. ♪ ♪ >> okay. >> so did i see you out in the debates and i can't remember? >> a lot of people didn't really notice me in the debates because i was way over on the side by de blasio. >> i heard about that kind of a thing. >> yeah, i was way out on the side. they didn't cut to me much. and sometimes i would stick my head in real fast like, "hey, good point." >> we can't let them get away with that. >> hey, good point! ( laughter )
♪ ♪ >> hey, you know, i just wanted to let you know, you know, a lot of candidates are backed by big oil or big tobacco. and i'm actually backed by big corn. >> okay. >> yeah, that's actually my brother-in-law, jeff. he needs the work. >> very nice. >> hey, i know there's a lot of candidates to choose from, and it's kind of hard to get any traction in the polls, so i was thinking, since beto o'rourke got a little boost and attention from swearing, i was wondering if i could try a little of that out and see if it might boost my poll numbers. you ready? >> all right, all right >> ( bleep ) environment ( bleep ). >> okay... ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: if he really was going to win over fair-goers, whytman would have to hit the same requisite stops of the other candidates.
>> wow, a cow made of butter. a creature made out of one of its byproducts. you know, it's appropriate that i'm flipping pork chops, because if i become president i'm going to "chop" pork barrel spending. >> very clever. >> wow! what a perfect metaphor for my poll numbers! ( laughter ) >> stephen: on his way to eat a corn dog, whytman bumped into a real presidential candidate. also, andrew yang. >> i know you're offering $1,000 a month to people. i was wondering if i could maybe get mine now. would that be possible? ( laughter ) >> i have got to win this thing in 2020, and then starting in 2021, the freedom dividends can go to you and every other american. >> oh, okay, because i have some veterinary bills. my dog swallowed a golf ball. >> that's terrible. >> secretary castro. >> good to be with you. >> thank you for talking with me. so, can you tell me what you'd like to achieve most if you were president? >> well, i mean, the number one thing that we need to do is combat climate change because
it's an existential threat to our country and our world. >> wow, okay, i'm in. castro 2020. i made a big mistake running. i don't know what i was thinking. >> stephen: of course, no candidate can leave the iowa state fair without giving a speech on their famous soapbox stage. >> so i'm not going to give up. i want to represent the forgotten americans, folks like jay inslee, michael bennett, john delaney, and four or five others. i forgot them, and that's my point. but i ask you to believe in me, gregory whytman, a believable choice. and together, with your support, we can build a better future. and, also, hopefully impress my wife. we're going through a bit of a rough patch. she's out canvassing for elizabeth warren. ( laughter ) whytman 2020! secretary castro, it was an honor to meet you, and thank you for talking to me. and i hope you'll have a great
presidential campaign. thank you, sir. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, gregory. we'll be right back with curtis "50 cent" jackson. i'm your cat. ever since you brought me home, that day. i've been plotting to destroy you. sizing you up... calculating your every move. you think this is love? this is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce. and if you have the wrong home insurance coverage, you could be coughing up the cash for this. so get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, like me-ow. and take an extra 15 or 20% off! so get allstate and be better protected from mayhem, introducing nine west - now at kohl's men's dress shirts are $18.69 n e evenhase plus - get kohl's cash!
ke akohl ♪ don't stop, i can't feel the heat ♪ ♪ yet don't let it catch you whoa! ♪ i can't feel the heat ...used almost everywherezema, euon almost everybody. like the back of a bodyguard. for ages 2 and up. eucrisa works at... ...and below the surface of the skin. it blocks overactive pde4 enzymes... ...which is believed to reduce inflammation. and it's steroid-free. do not use if you are allergic to eucrisa or its ingredients. allergic reactions may occur at or near the application site. the most common side effect is application site pain. ask your doctor about eucrisa. d thco at gto (cyml crasguinss world records title holder for longest-lasting aa battery.
hashtag vacay. sonoma? i want wine with lunch... it's 11am, cindy. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. [upbeat♪action music] (pilot) we're going to be on the tarmac for another 45 minutes or so.
the ross fall fashion event has all the looks for way less... ...so your new outfit... whoa! ...can just keep getting better. yes! oh, yeah, you're getting that. or you can find that one dress... - yes! - yesss. ...that's perfect for you... ...or that jacket that says, "check me out," at a price that makes you say... check this out! that's yes for less. get the brands you love and save 20 to 60% off department store prices. at the ross fall fashion event. on now. at tto the wait did frowe just win-ners. prouders everyone uses their phone differently. that's why xfinity mobile let's you design your own data. now you can share it between lines. mix with unlimited, and switch it up at anytime
so you only pay for what you need. it's a different kind of wireless network designed to save you money. save up to $400 a year on your wireless bill. plus get $250 back when you buy a new samsung note. click, call or visit a store today. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! hey, there, mister. welcome back to "the late show." folks, my first guest is a grammy award winner, actor, and business tycoon. he's also the executive producee show," curtis "50 cent" jackson! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
>> hey! >> stephen: thank you very much. good to see you. i'll take another. i'll take another. welcome back. >> oh, i'm happy to be back. >> stephen: always fun talking to you. >> it is. >> stephen: i always learn a lot. now, i learned something about you. you had a very busy time since the last time you were here at the beginning of the year. you are getting your own star on the hollywood walk of fame. ( cheers and applause ) congratulations. >> i'm excited about that. i didn't expect that. that came out of nowhere. i was like, "i get that?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you know where it's going to be or who you're going to be around? >> no, i wanted to move it. i wanted to move it to my neighborhood. ( laughter ) but i'm going to have to just keep it wherever it lands, it will be good. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> hopefully people will go take pictures next to it. ( cheers and applause ) take a selfie where you can see my name. >> stephen: sure. you've got, as i said, you got the music career. you've got the grammys.
you're-- you've got the hollywood walk of fame. you're a successful businessman. is there a holy grail? is there something that curtis "50 cent" jackson has not achieved yet? >> there are a few other trophies they didn't give me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you have an emmy? do you have an emmy? >> i don't have an emmy. i'll take an oscar. >> stephen: i'll take an oscar, too. i'll take an oscar, too. nobel peace prize. >> why not? >> stephen: yeah. >> i'll take them, put them in nice places. >> stephen: next to your star on the hollywood walk of fame. well, you have-- you have a luxurious lifestyle. you know, you have the beautiful suits. i particularly like this one, this is sort of understated for you. >> yeah, because it's, like, paisley, and then it stops. >> stephen: yes. and then you've got the-- you've got the watch right there. >> yeah, that's the rapper, like everybody is watching, the kids. they don't see nothing shiny. >> stephen: and you don't-- you don't really ever take that watch off, because here is-- speaking of luxurious-- this is you in a bubble bath.
you posted this photo right there. ( laughter ) >> that's a different version of this watch. >> stephen: it's a different version? it's not the same watch? >> no, see, that one don't have the circles in it. you have to have the one with the circles in it. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) i have a question-- jim, can we see this again? i have a question about this. have i been taking bubble baths wrong? because i thought they were to relax. you don't seem relaxed in this photo. you seem angry. >> that was photograph number 10. when you're using a timer, you're like... ( laughter ) you're like, wait-- you're like... ( applause ) >> stephen: wow. so a man of your level of success doesn't have his own bathroom photographer? ( laughter ) >> yeah, yeah, if you had a bathroom photographer, you would probably-- you probably out of touch, you know? ( laughter ) >> stephen: you can borrow mine. you can borrow mine. you can borrow mine. ( laughter ) you also have another example here of your luxurious lifestyle.
again, which is, a certain part of me totally gets this. you have-- this is you-- w >> yeah. >> stephen: this is you on your custom lamborghini with matching-- matching t-shirt and shoes. do they come with the car or do you have to have them custom made? >> i had to get them to make the car versace, they wrapped it, put all the stuff on it. >> stephen: okay. >> i have to be finding things to do, to be honest with you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is just-- this is just "make" work? this is just busy work? >> what am i going to do now? like, 'cause other people got the car, so you have to create a separation between you and the other people that are actually going to drive the car. i'm going to wear this car when i wear these shoes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you have-- do you have other outfits that match other cars? >> yes, i do. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: i-- i'm in the wrong business, evidently. ( laughter ) so-- >> i just don't have a lot of time because i'm moving around a lot. so i put that there and next time i go out and am actually going to be seen driving the car, i'm going to drive this car with the shoes that match that car. >> stephen: okay. because you don't have a lot of time so that has to be a fast car wherever you go. >> has to be nice. >> stephen: i understand there was a little bit of a problem with this car. this car went missing for a little while. what happened there? >> yeah. i was performing at the barclays, and snoop was there, snoop dogg, and he was like-- he said, "if you need me to come on i'll come on." because we have done a song together, a p.i.m.p. remix. when we went on it was, like, it was fun. i had a good time. it was a surprise that he came out. and then i had more to do. so he left and i continued to perform. when i came off i was wet so i wiped off everything and got dressed. and i came out, and the car was gone. he went, walked by the car, saw the car, and he was like-- i don't know if it was jealous feelings or something. ( laughter )
but he-- he actually got-- went to the car and got in the car, because the keys are in there, because you park inside the barclay's. and the guy who was supposed to valet park. i said, "where did the car go?" and he said, "snoop took the car." ( laughter ) i said, "what? how do you just let him take my car?" he was like, he came, he walked around it. because snoop-- a lot. ( laughter ) i'm like-- i think he-- i think he thought that was his car for a minute. but later he made a tape saying i owe him for the performance because he feel like "you got me performing for free and you got cars like this out here in the middle of"-- he thought i tricked him into a performance. but he offered to perform. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that was your-- so this is your car. i apologize, because i was driving around with snoop. i did not know this was your car. ( laughter ) folks, what we learned is that mr. jackson here keeps the keys
to his car underneath the mat. ( laughter ) just-- ( applause ) >> in the parking lot. >> stephen: you're on your honor, you're on your honor not to steal his car. okay, so you're-- you're-- you're a successful businessman. people love 50 cent. have you considered entering politics yourself? >> you know what? i never really thought about entering politics at all. but you really have, like, a really likable person. you have this conservative... ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: me? >> yes. tephen: you think i should run? >> i think you should. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen. you see that? i'm telling you. me, it would look like there are already things wrong. ( laughter ) immediately-- >> stephen: like what? why wouldn't you want a president-- like that? okay? get air force one all tricked out with this stuff. >> "where is he at?"
i just saw the president at the strip club. ( laughter ) >> stephen: who called in that air strike? it wasn't me. it was snoop dogg. ( laughter ) snoop dogg called in the air strike. you are an artist and executive producer and former star of "power" over on starz. here's the thing-- i think the last time you were here, you were still on it. you killed yourself off last season. >> yeah. >> stephen: what-- why-- why would an executive producer kill themselves off of their own show? why not give yourself-- if you don't like it, give yourself a better part. you're the executive producer. ( laughter ) >> it was one of those things where like, if i kill myself off, then i become a director. >> stephen: oh, are you directing now?irecd epis603. dis season. ( applause ) >> stephen: how did you like-- that's a different-- that's a different thing. >> yeah, so it's like-- it's like, "you die. now you're great." ( laughter ) it was not a bad thing.
like, i watched some of the actors when they find out that they're dead, their character has died in the table read, and they get emotional. and it's not because they're not talented actors. it's because they're not sure they're going to be doing something they want to do their next gig. >> stephen: sure. well, they're unemployed. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's their unemployment notice. >> this is, "okay, i need a job." >> stephen: did you enjoy directing? like are you-- are you-- what do you-- what do you wear-- what do you wear when you're directing? do you have a special outfit that you wear? >> you wear buttons, but you wear everything else like you forgot you was wearing buttons, pants and sneakers at the bottom like "i've been up all day." you're the first person on the set, last person to leave. it's cool. >> stephen: okay, so you want to look like you're working hard. >> right. ( laughter ) like, "look, i've been up all night, okay." like, you know, "i have zero tolerance today." >> stephen: are you tough on the actors? like, do you give line readings? or how do you-- imagine i'm an actor, how would you coach me
into an emotional moment? >> look, stephen, you have to get this right now, right. ( laughter ) you're going to make us look like..." ( laughter ) >> stephen: totally motivated. ( cheers and applause ) sign me up. sign me up. ( piano riff ) season six of "power" premieres august 25 on starz. curtis "50 cent" the director jackson, everybody. we'll be right back with jillian bell. his? it's my special friend, antonio. his luxurious fur calms my nerves when i'm worried about moving into our new apartment. why don't we just ask geico for help with renters insurance? i didn't know geico helps with renters insurance. yeah, and we could save a bunch too. antonio! fetch computer! antonio? i'll get it. get to know geico and see how much you could save on renters insurance.
♪ p♪ touched down in thehoes land of the delta blues ♪ ♪ ♪ in the middle of the pouring rain ♪ ♪ then i'm walking in memphis ♪ walking with my feet ten feet off of beale ♪ ♪ then i'm walking in memphis ♪ ♪ walking in memphis ♪ but, do i really feel the way i feel? ♪ ♪ and reverend green, glad to see you ♪ ♪ when you haven't got a prayer ♪ ♪ you've got a prayer in memphis ♪ memphis! ♪ then i'm walking in memphis ♪ ♪ walking in memphis ♪
but one blows them all out of the water. hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back... neutrogena® and for body... hydro boost body gel cream. so it bounces back... ♪ charmin ultra soft! it's softer than ever. charmin ultra soft is softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. enjoy the go! with charmin! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> stephen: welcome back to "the late show." ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an actor and comedian you know from "22 jump street" and "workaholics." she now stars in "brittany runs a marathon." >> we have a bunch of membership options to fit all your fitness needs with rates as low as $129 a month. >> i'm sorry, i thought you said "as low" and then "$129 per month." >> yeah, that's a starting rate. $129 a month, and for that you get access to everything in the gym except half of it. >> so every person we've walked by has $129 to just give to you? is there a sliding scale for people in debt up to their ( bleep )? >> uh... >> okay. you do know that people can go outside, though, and just be outside, and, like, do things.l!
♪ you can ring my bell ring my bell ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> hi! oh, wow. >> stephen: hello. >> hello, how are you? >> stephen: welcome aboard. welcome aboard. your new movie is "brittany runs a marathon." this is your first dramatic and starring role. >> yes. >> stephen: how dramatic? and how much running did you do? ( laughter ) >> very dramatic. no, i'm just joking. it's not that serious. it's a comedy as well. >> stephen: yes. >> but i did a lot of running. i did a lot of running. >> stephen: are you a runner? >> no, no. not naturally. >> stephen: did they know this before you were cast? >> they asked if i could, and i go, "oh, yeah, running." ( laughter ) >> stephen: one foot in front of the other. >> "i do it all the time." >> stephen: sure, exactly. for the bus.
>> for the bus, and that's all i listed, "for the bus, to get to the bus, again." >> stephen: but this is "brittany runs a marathon." >> yes. >> stephen: have you ever run a marathon? >> no. >> stephen: do you run a marathon in the course of this movie? >> we'll see. ( laughter ) you've got to go see it. you've got to go see it. no, but i was-- i was running a lot. i-- i actually i started training on my own, and i decided i wanted to do the physical journey of the character. >> stephen: sure. >> so i committed, on my own, to losing 40 pounds, because that's what the character goes through in the film. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow. >> thank you! for applauding the work. it's a lot of work. >> stephen: wow. >> but, yeah, so i decided to do it, like, you know daniel day lewis would do it. i looked it up on pinterest. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? how do-- >> and i found out you can do a thing that's from couch to 5k, and it helps you slowly train. >> stephen: what's the first
step? if you're on the couch, what's the first step? >> get up. >> stephen: get off the couch. >> get up off the couch and then move a little bit. that's the first day. >> stephen: did doing the movie make you want to run a marathon? >> no. ( laughter ) no, i-- i respect people that do. i think they have superhero abilities. >> stephen: sure. >> i think it's amazing. for me, that's not my obsession is learning to get to that point. >> stephen: what is your obsession? >> um, escape rooms. i enjoy an escape room. have you done one? >> stephen: what is the cardiovascular component of an escape room? i have never done one. >> you've never done one? do you know what happens in them? >> stephen: you get locked in a room and you get 45 minutes and you die or something like that. >> you've got 60 minutes. >> stephen: 60 minutes and then what happens? >> they kill you. no, no, someone walks in and goes, "you didn't make it." ( laughter ) but it's-- >> stephen: have you ever not made it out? >> yeah. there's times, those are-- those
are the low days. >> stephen: how many have you done? how obsessed are you? >> oh, i love it. i go all the time. i actually went one time, and my friend tried to set me up with someone, so brought them into the group. >> stephen: how many people might be in the group? >> you know, if you're doing it right? >> stephen: yeah. >> six to eight. >> stephen: six to eight. >> six to eight. >> stephen: so six to eight people. one of them is someone this person thinks you should be dating. >> they thought i should be dating, and after watching him in an escape room, i said no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: can you explain to me what this is? >> yes. >> stephen: i was given this thing right here. >> so this is a passport to an escape hotel in hollywood. >> stephen: what is an escape hotel? that sounds weird. >> well, it's got a lot of rooms in it, and, you know, there's the circus room, the daycare room. they're all creepy. ( laughter ) as daycares happen to be. but i took this with me to mexico on mistake, because i thought-- ( laughter )
>> stephen: you meant to take your passport. >> i thought this was my passport. >> stephen: so you get to customs-- >> and i want you to see-- is there a camera that can close- up... of this woman, they opened up and saw... this woman who is terrified for her life, but also a little excited in the eyes, like this. >> stephen: and all across the bottom it says, "escape, escape, escape." ( laughter ) no, i'm not running from the law, officer. >> no! let me in. >> stephen: i want to find out something from you. i understand you also have a fashion line here. >> my sister and i created a company called neon witch. >> stephen: neon witch? >> yes. >> stephen: i like the mixed messages here. this one says "anxiety." ( laughter ) >> with the calming image of the ocean. >> stephen: and this one says "depression." >> yes! >> stephen: where did you get the idea for these? >> well, not to get too heavy or serious, but some of those run in my family. and we just thought it would be cool to own it.
>> stephen: oh, wow. are we related? >> oh! >> stephen: oh, depression? anxiety? yeah. >> good to see you again. no, but it's a fun way to-- >> stephen: where can you get these shirts. >> neonwitch.com. >> stephen: neonwitch.com. so nice to meet you. >> thank you. >> stephen: "brittany runs a marathon" is out next friday. jillian bell, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by tori kelly. join us. i knew my son could be at risk of certain cancers later in life. from an infection, human papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. i knew his risk increases as he gets older. i knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. i knew so i talked to my child's doctor. now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, don't wait. talk to your child's doctor today. i was looking for a companion
and we-we had a connection corny as it sounds, it was love at first sight it was kismet. adopt love at our national adoption event. this weekend at your local petsmart®. into our subaru forester. we fit a lot of life (dad) it's good to be back. (mom) it sure is. (mom vo) over the years, we trusted it to carry and protect the things that were most important to us. we always knew we had a lot of life ahead of us. (mom) remember this? (mom vo) that's why we chose a car that we knew would be there for us through it all. (male vo) welcome to the all-new 2019 subaru forester. the longest-lasting, most trusted forester ever. but we were made to move. so move more! live more! ♪ degree motionsense made to move.
♪ ♪ that's why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. it's specially-designed with the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. cascade platinum's unique actionpacs dissolve quickly... ...to remove stuck-on food. . . for sparkling-clean dishes, the first time. choose the detergent that lets your dishwasher do the dishes! cascade platinum. the number one recommended brand in north america.
whatever you're craving... and whenever you're craving it... doordash has the restaurants you want. delivered to your door. wherever your door happens to be. download doordash. the most restaurants across america. first order, $0 delivery fee. ever since you brought me home, that day. i've been plotting to destroy you. sizing you up... calculating your every move. you think this is love? this is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce.
>> stephen: her new album "inspired by true events" came out friday. performing "sorry would go a long way," ladies and gentlemen, tori kelly! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ don't seem to wanna hold me like you did before ♪ we don't go out to dinner ain't no flowers at my door ♪ you do a lot of talkin'
there's a word you never say ♪ sorry would go a long way ♪ i stayed up all night waitin' and you forgot to call ♪ oh, i feel so lonely it's like you don't care at all ♪ maybe it's your ego or just your foolish pride ♪ it's like i'm not on your mind ♪ you never tell me that you love me ♪ oh, what a mess of me you've made ♪ it won't make it all better won't make it okay ♪ but sorry would go
a long way ♪ i feel the times are changin' and maybe you are too ♪ i'm the same old me but you're a different you ♪ so be a man about it and admit you've done me wrong ♪ i just wanted you all along ♪ ooh, you never tell me that you love me ♪ oh, what a mess of me you've made ♪ it won't make it all better won't make it okay ♪ but sorry would go a long way
and we are well past the honeymoon phase. oooh lufa. ocupado tom. at&t, what's this i hear about you advertising a 100% fiber network? only like a fraction of my customers can get that. that's it?!? you have such a glass half-empty attitude. the glass is more than half-empty! you need to relax tom. oww! tom, you need a little tom time. a little tt. stop living with at&t. xfinity delivers gig speeds to more homes than anyone. ♪ new sichuan hot chicken.
>> stephen: stay tuned for james corden. good night. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from where you last