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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 2, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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tomorrow morning at 4:30 am bright and early. we will see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs >> reporter: a rat fell out of the ceiling at the white house today and landed inside the press pool. >> that's right-- a rat has fallen from the press briefing room ceiling. but the white house has assured us that this is not a sinking ship, no matter how many rats are leaving. also, it's been reported in the oval office, marbles have been lost, and there are multiple screws loose. in addition, in the china room, a floating turd has been found in the punch bowl. and out back, the white house dumpster is on fire. finally, in the situation room, itsse confirmed that a fat lady is singin >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, fight to the ni to the.
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plus, stephen welcomes rami malek jill soloway and comedian leah bonnema featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi there! look at you! thank you very much! you're very wind. welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, donald trump is clearly losing it, and he did not have a
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surplus of "it" to begin with. the impeachment vultures are circling, and he's worried, because he knows there's a lot of meat on that bone and it's getting gamey. i'll give you the latest in our ongoing segment: >> "don and the giant impeach." >> you can't impeach somebody for doing the best job of anybody in the history of our country. >> stephen: in response to impeachment, trump hasn't formulated much of a plan yet, unless you count freaking out on twitter: "as i learn more and more each day, i am coming to the conclusion that what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a coup, intended to take away the power of the-- dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot-- people, their vote, their freedoms, their second amendment, religion, military, border wall, and their god-given rights as a citizen of the united states of america!" ( applause )
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"yes, that's right, that's right, believe me. they're coming for your religion, our beloved jeebus and all 12 of his apossibles. ( laughter ) you got peter, paul, almond joy, dancer, prancer, kili, fili, dori, nori, ori, curly, grumpy, and johnny storm the human torch." what does he mean-- ( cheers and applause ) what does he mean-- the human torch! what does he mean, "take away your guns and religion"? does he not know if trump is removed from office, mike pence becomes president? or is he trying to tell us that pence is way different behind closed doors? (as pence) "it's all been an elaborate ruse, mother, so that i can take away their ak-47s and give them to my sweet lord satan.
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also, you are no longer mother. your name is sugarshorts. now, back up that badonkadonk like a tonka truck." beep! beep! beep! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: trump-- trump-- thank you. trump continued to froth in a joint appearance this afternoon with the president of finland. i'll tell you all about it in today's installment of... >> "chair chat" >> stephen: trump was clearly in a bit of a mood. and if you had to sum it up in one photo from today, it would be this one. he looks like an old cat when you bring home a new cat. ( cat hiss ) ( cheers and applause )
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trump got feisty right off the beam when he was asked about adam schiff. >> call him shifty schiff. we don't call him "shifty schiff" for nothing. he's a shifty, dishonest guy-- who, by the way, was critical of one of the great secretaries of state, graduated number one in his class at west point, graduated top-- one of the top in his class at harvard law school, the most honorable person, mike pompeo. and this guy was negative on mike pompeo. he can't-- you know, there's an expression: he couldn't carry his blank strap. i won't say it, because they'll say it was so terrible to say, but that guy couldn't carry his blank strap. do you understand that? >> stephen: (as trump) "do you understand that? ( laughter ) no? no one understands that? blank strap, i'm talking about a wang pouch. how about that that banana
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hammock? anyone?" then trump got to the heart of the impeachment issue. >> the whistleblower was wrong. the only thing that matters is the transcript of the actual conversation that i had with the president of ukraine. >> stephen: yes! all that matters is the transcript, the transcript where the president of ukraine asks for missiles, and you say, "i would like you to do us a favor, though." ( laughter ) it's like a scooby-doo villain saying, "i would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for me releasing this signed confession. here, i'll rip off my own mask! i'm old man mcginty!" ( laughter ) then, about an hour later, trump held a joint press conference with the finnish president. he began by ins asking the ukiaon joeiden. >> the call was perfect, the real call, the call i made. many people were on the line. i knew that because usually when i speak to foreign country leaders-- you can name any one of them-- but when i speak on the phone, i know that we have
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many people listening from various intelligence agencies. >> stephen: (as trump) "from various intelligence agencies-- the saudis, i think, are on there, i believe the chinese have me bugged pretty good, but not russia. i just forward them the transcripts directly." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, wow! >> stephen: there you go. and he kept insisting that his phone call was perfect, and that the document that proves he's guilty doesn't say what we all see that it says. >> i had a transcript done by very, very talented people, word for word. comma for comma. done by people that do it for a living. we had an exact transcript. >> stephen: okay, let's take a look at this exact transcript and see what the talented people wrote. right on the first page it says, "not a verbatim transcript of
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the discussion." ( cheers and applause ) that's right-- it's right there. it says that right on the first page. mr. president, is it possible that you can't read? ( laughter ) because i've got bad news for you: the american people can. though, it would explain why your signature looks like a lie detector test. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that you failed. trump talked about how hard this impeachment inquiry has been on him as a president, the most powerful victim in the world. >> we had the mueller collusion delusion, okay. that went on for years. and that's finally done. now, i get three days of peace. and i'm walking about the united nations, going to meet with the biggest leaders in the world, and i hear about the word "impeachment." i said, "what did i do now?" >> stephen: well, it's good to know-- ( laughter ) it's good to know even you can't keep track of your crimes. but-- ( cheers and applause )
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why-- way ahead of me. way ahead of me. way ahead of me. but here's my problem, here's my problem with what he just said-- why did you get three days of peace? that's not fair. i haven't had a good night's sleep since you were elected! now trump-- is this the same thing. in the same press conference, trump came down hard on nancy pelosi for subpoenaing trump's staff. >> nancy pelosi hands out subpoenas like-- you know, she has to approve it. she hands out subpoenas like they're cookies. you want a subpoena? here you go, take 'em. like they're cookies. >> stephen: yes. they are like cookies, because that's the way your presidency crumbles. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> jon: that's a crumble up. >> stephen: unbelievable. it's unbelievable.
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then things got extra spicy when a reporter dared to do his job. >> reporter: the question, sir, was what did you want president zelensky to do about vice president biden and his son hunter? >> are you talking to me? ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow. wow! yeah. yeah. uh-huh. uh-huh. looks like that was-- that is-- look like that reporter caught president travis bickle by surprise. (as trump) "are you talking to me? are you talking to me? well, i'm the only one being impeached, so you must be talking to me."wow. that was pre good, good "taxi driver." can we get robert de niro's review of trump's performance? >> ( bleep) him. ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause )
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>> jon: whoa! wooo! robbie "d." ♪ oh, robbie "b" >> stephen: bobby d. thank you, tough gay. anyway, trump was refusing to answer a question. >> are you talking to me? >> yeah. it was a follow-up of what i just asked you, sir. >> are you ready? we have the president of finland. ask him a question. >> i have one for him. i just wanted to follow up on what i asked you. >> did you hear me? did you hear me? >> di. >> i've given you a long answer. ask this gentleman a question. don't be rude. >> no, sir. i don't want to be rude. i just wanted you to have the chance to answer the question i asked. >> i've answered everything. ask the president of finland a question, please. >> stephen: (as trump) "and here's the question: got any dirt on joe biden?" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) anything? a little something-something? no?" earlier today, nancy pelosi and adam schiff held their own press
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conference, and the speaker reminded us that this impeachment inquiry is about the constitution. >> we just have to look at the facts and the constitution. any other objections people may have to the president have no place in this discussion in terms of is he too cowardly to protect children from gun violence? is he too cruel to protect dreamers? is he too in denial to understand climate change? the list goes on. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. okay. >> jon: wooo! >> stephen: i see-- i see what you're doing there, madame speaker. (as pelosi) "this inquiry is about the constitution. it has nothing to do with the fact that the president doesn't know how to work an umbrella or that he got his hair from a pet cemetery, or that he's so dumb that he thinks that checks and balances are breakfast cereals!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) the president was clearly watching their press conference,
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and he did not like what he saw. so he issued a rare presidential swear-word tweet: "the do nothing democrats should be focused on building up our country, not wasting everyone's time and energy on (bleep), which is what they have been doing ever since i got overwhelmingly elected in 2016, 223-306. get a better candidate this time. you'll need it!" wow, using the potty-talk. okay, grandpa, don't get your blank strap in a bunch. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. rami malek is here. but when we come back, wall 'gators! wall 'gators! [school bell]
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon, tonight, in just a few minutes here we have the lovely, the talented, the dynamic rami malek out here. >> jon: rami malek. in the flesh, coming out. >> stephen: oscar winner. going to be a big night. so there was some scary health news for bernie sanders today. before we get into it, i want you to know, he's all right and in good spirits. which is great, considering he was hospitalized for treatment of an artery blockage. of course, this was always a risk-- it's what happens when people want a president who has a heart. ( laughter ) now, we can't help-- ( cheers and applause )
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yup. we can't help but feel somewhat responsible here at "the late show," because last week, when senator sanders was here, i asked him if being 78 years old should be a concern when running for president, and here's what he said: >> i think you look at the totality of a candidate. thank god-- this is wood, i hope whatever it is-- >> stephen: somewhere in there. >> something. all right. i'm in good health. >> stephen: apparently, that knocking on wood did not take. ( laughter ) that's the last time i shop for desks at big al's cursed furniture emporium. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: come on! >> stephen: senator, get well soon. we're keeping the couch warm for you. ( cheers and applause ) come on back. ( applause ) now, with all the insane things that trump is saying and doing about impeachment, it's easy to forget all the insane things he's saying and doing about everything else.
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but thanks to a new book, we've learned that, back in march, trump suggested that soldiers on our southern border shoot migrants in the legs to slow them down. we have never had a crueler, more twisted man in the oval office, not even founding father president jigsaw. ( laughter ) and when his staff told him his plans were impractical and illegal, he got angry, yelling, "you are making me look like an idiot!" i think you've got that one covered. but the piece-de-dumb of trump's lunatic border agenda was his idea to fortify the border wall with a water-filled trench stocked with snakes or alligators, prompting aides to seek a cost estimate. who do call? where do you shop for 2,000 miles of moat 'gator?
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"hi, hi, hi, is this petco? yeah, asking for a friend-- can i order alligators in bulk? no? what can i buy in bulk? hamsters? okay. how aggressive are we talking here? because we're going to put them in a pit with snakes. hello?" trump took to twitter today to refute the snake-moat story. "now the press is trying to sell the fact that i wanted a 'moot' stuffed with alligators and snakes with an electrified fence and sharp spikes on top, at our southern border. i may be tough on border security, but not that tough. the press has gone crazy. fake news!" (as trump) "they say i wanted a moot with snarks and ooligators. ( laughter ) ( applause ) fake news! i just ordered our troops to short them in their logs!" not only is trump's 'gator plan
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insane. it's also plagiarized. and you'll never guess who he stole the idea from. >> all the stuff they've asked for, we've done. you know, they said we needed to triple the border patrol. now they're now going to say we need to quadruple the border patrol, or they'll want a higher fence-- maybe they will need a moat. maybe they'll want alligators in the moat. >> jon: come on 44! come on, 44! >> stephen: ah, remember back in 2011 when a president talking about alligator moats was a joke and the most embarrassing thing about kevin spacey was "k-pax." it was a simpler time. but i have a bone to pick with obama, because he also plagiarized that joke from this guy i used to know who played a conservative pundit on a comedy
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show. >> stephen: we need a moat. we need it filled with fire, maybe some fire-proof crocodiles in there. i want a 20-foot-high wall, 2,000 miles long that you can see from space. there's a moat full of fire with fireproof crocodiles. i say wall, moat filled with flames, fireproof alligators. a moat with some alligators in it. >> stephen: trump is stealing all my bits! ( cheers and applause ) what gives? what's going on, man? before we know it, he's going his e uo "which brings us to tonight's werd: moot. we'll be right back with rami malek. ♪ oooooooooo...i'll show you something neeeeeeewwww. ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is fun. this is one that makes the show fun. folks, my first guest tonight is an academy award-winning actor you know from "bohemian rhapsody" and "mr. robot." please welcome back to "the late show" rami malek! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> oh, wow!
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that's so kind of you. that's extraordinary. >> stephen: hello. nice to see you again. >> it's a pressure and a privilege, my man. >> stephen: for me, for me it is, too, because since the last time you were here, you won the oscar playing freddie mercury. and congratulations. incredible performance. , a beautiful performance. ( applause ) we actually talked-- i think we talked at a christmas party or something. you were having a party on one side of the building, and we were having a show party, and we met in the hall bay, a breezeway, and i asked, "what's it like to play freddie?" "it's a challenge." >> it was. one of the greatest challenges of my life, and absolutely one >> stephen: well, i'm veryell. happy for you. ( applause ). >> stop! stop! stop! no, go! >> stephen: get it while you can, baby. >> all right. >> stephen: do you still keep in touch with the guys from queen? >> yes, very much so, actually. i was with-- we were together,
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jon batiste. were we not? >> jon: we were, we were. >> stephen: where was this? >> at the global citizen fest. >> stephen: this weekend in central park. >> and i got to open up for them. and i was backstage in their dressing room, and they said, "hey, rami, how about you walk out with us backstage." so i did the walk -- >> stephen: that's nice. >> ...that freddie would do in the past that i studied for-- for a year over and over. i saw him do it so many times with them. it was the greatest honor and privilege to do that with them and be a part of their lives. ( applause ) yeah. >> stephen: well you-- >> you were extraordinary, by the way. >> stephen: oh, they killed it. they absolutely killed it. ( applause ) >> stephen: you have got a really interesting job you're doing right now. i don't think i'm giving anything away when i say that you are the villain in the new james bond movie opposite-- ( applause ) mr. daniel craig. >> yes. >> stephen: i think you would
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be a good villain. >> i hope so, yeah. >> stephen: and i like you. i like you. >> yes... >> stephen: but as "esquire" called you, "all hail rami malek, overlord of darkness." ( laughter ). >> i just saw this. i just saw this. i mean -- >> stephen: do you like that "bringer of shadows," they call you. >> it's good. look, you wear leather pants, and suddenly you're satan. ( laughter ) >> stephen: can you-- can you-- can you tell us anything-- what's it like doing scenes with daniel craig? had you worked with him before? >> no, and i was very much looking forward to it. he's my favorite bond, if i can say that without -- >> stephen: sure, why not? >> yeah, why not? ( applause ) we had this scene that was a very complicated scene, and we were rehearsing for it with our terrific director, and we were sitting at a table over hours just batting about ideas back and forth. and we finally cracked this really challenging scene. and, you know, he grabbed me,
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picked me up, and i can't tell who initiated the next moment, if it was him or i, but... ( laughter ) a kiss transpired between the two of us. ( laughter ) and i'm going to say that daniel initiated it. ( laughter ) and i was very taken axe back. >> stephen: sure. was it welcome? >> yes, very much so. >> stephen: i just want to make sure. i just want to make sure. >> and i took a moment, caught my breath, and i looked out and said, "so does this make me a bond girl?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: congratulations! congratulations! >> the villain... >> stephen: never happened before. >> no. >> stephen: never happened before. >> no, double duty. >> stephen: so we're in the final season of "mr. robot now." >> yes. >> stephen: what did you think when you got this job how many years ago? five years ago. extraordinary. i think it's a completely different type of television show than ever came along
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before. you are in t mind of a-- sort of a disaffected, detached, very introverted character most of the time. and we are your character's confidant for most of it. >> yeah. >> stephen: what has this been like to play this character for you? >> it was revolutionary for me in a number of ways. but i think revolutionary for the world. i-- for as much as-- every-- every time i got to travel for "bohemian rhapsody," and i think i circled the earth-- my miles said about three or four times last year-- everywhere i stopped there, would be so many young kids that were as appreciative of the story of freddie as they are of elliot-- disaffected, disenfranchised, wanting a voice, complicated human beings who wanted to speak out, have their voices heard, and dough something incredibly powerful that they knew they had within themselves. so to be a part of these
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movements, by playing these characters is absolutely extraordinary. and it is something that will last my entire life. i'm incredibly proud. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we have a clip here-- we have a clip here. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you know what's going on in this clip? >> well, i do know. >> stephen: do you want to tell us? >> yes, i do. you know, i didn't get to share as many scenes as i would have loved to last year with christian slater, and we are back at it fiercely in a showdown with our archnemesis, white rose. without furgs ado. >> you're letting your feelings cloud your judgment. >> my feel sntion see what's going on out there? people are already forgetting about five-nine, the cyber bombings. they're buying their e-coin
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discounted stocking stuffers and christmas hams, and they're going to forget. and i don't blame them. they're exhausted. i'm exhausted. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a real feeling. >> yeah, i think it might-- yeah. it's up there with anything they could-- i loved our first season. i think for me that was my favorite season. and i think this is equal to it or better. so it's a great way to end it. it's bittersweet. but, yeah. >> stephen: yeah. that feeling that your character is describing there, the sense of being exhausted, you know. that really is kind of a real feeling in the world right now. that's the odd thing about the show, it's so heightened in some way, easterly corp and it feels real on a lot of levels. does it ever worry-- does the
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show ever worry you how true to life the emotional life the r rld is now?e given how crazy >> yeah, it did exceptionally so. when i first started i actually woul u show's creator and say i don't think this is possible. i really think this is a stretch. and after the first couple of seasons, i said,," listen, man, let it rip, because are you proclaiming what the future might end up being." and it does feel that way. >> stephen: you directed him. >> i'm exhausted. you're exhausted. we're all a bit exhausted. but we have the power to fight back, and we can continue to and we will. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, rami. >> thank you. >> stephen: good to see you. the final season of "mr. robot" premieres this sunday. rami malek, everybody! we'll be right back with the creator of "transparent," jill soloway. m your cat. ever since you brought me home, that day.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the emmy award winning creator of "transparent" and "i love dick." please welcome, jill soloway! ( applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> i unbuttonaise sit. that's how it works, right. >> stephen: i do them both. it depends how i'm feeling about my stomach. >> yeah. >> stephen: now, your show "transparent," this is its fifth season. >> yes. >> stephen: and for the fifth season you did a feature-length musical for it. >> yyes. >> stephen: what was it that for sort of this final season that you wanted to do it as a musical? sort of change the style so much. >> called the "musicale finale." or the "muse kale finale." we wanted to reset the map, redraw the lines. we'd been through a lot and we wanted to go out on our own terms. my sister faith -- >> stephen: the musical director at second city. >> an amazing musician, and songwriter, and she wrote a bunch of songs and we went to amazon and said, "can we make a musical?" and they said okay.
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>> stephen: that's nice. that's nice. i know that you were one of the first people in the original meetings for "time's up." >> ythis is true. >> stephen: and at the same time that you were in those meetings, you were dealing with the allegations of sexual harassment and abuse on your own set. >> right. it was like-- there was, i think, one day where in the morning, i was at a "time's up" meeting and we had like a wish list, "what do we want to do?" and i was posting on the wish list "unlock all n.d.a.s." >> stephen: nondisclosure agreements. the contract that says here's your money but don't tell anybody. >> and i said what would happen if we just told anybody and just talked. and that same afternoon is when i found out we had allegations on our show as well. big day. >> stephen: what was that like, sort of the tension between those two moments? >> yeah, i feel, in many ways,
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that... that-- i just felt like it was my destiny to be there, in some ways, that i had to be able to do both. i had to be able to stand up for "time's up" and the feminist movement and toppling the patriarchy, even if it meant being-- ( applause ) yeah. ( cheers ) it-- i think -- >> stephen: even being what? >> even being cross gender the toppling. i was laying underneath the toppling of our own show, and had to, yeah, find my way out and find a way to do it with dignity. >> stephen: so this fifth season is the de-toppling. the reconstructing, the new way? >> yes, rising from the ashes, singing, dancing, leading with our heart with light, just making it fun. >> stephen: we've got a clip right here. >> great. >> stephen: let's hear some of the music you spoke about. what's happening in this clip? >> this is i think ari's
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bart-mitzvah. >> it's a bat and a bar. >> all at once. yeah, i think that's what we're going to look at. >> stephen: jim, let's do it. ♪ run from your father's house there's a land that i will show you ♪ i will honor all who honor you curse all who curse you ♪ and all of the families of the earth shall bless themselves by you ♪ and when you get home you won't be alone ♪ i promise to not look away ( applause ) >> stephen: that's lovely. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's lovely. does that actually get said in a bar mitzvah or bart mitzvah. >> faith wrong an english-language song based on the same thing that would be written in hebrew, which is go from your father's house.
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faith reinterpreted it. >> stephen: during making "transparent," you had your own discovery and you comev come out as nonbinary. >> yes. >> stephen: i want to ask you a question and mean this curiously and out of respect. >> yes. >> stephen: a lot of people focus on the pronouns. and i understand you prefer "they" or "them" rather than he or she. >> i say she is fine and they is like frosting. ( laughter ). >> stephen: what about-- >> it just excite meas when people say "they," because they get it. >> stephen: i'm happy to say "they." whatever people want to be referred to as i want to treat them with dignity and respect, and that's no skin off my rosy nose. ( applause ) i-- but there is something about "they" that is a little bit confusing because of the plural nature of it. >> yes. >> stephen: have you thought about or any people you have aba different word, i heard zey or zem. >> they is used in the english language for singular a lot.
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if somebody said, "steve, your assistant is waiting outside," you would say, tell them i will be out there in a minute." it's not that i'm two people. it's just that you don't know my gender. >> stephen: gotcha. >> thank you. >> stephen: gotcha. i understand. no, i get it. yeah. but i-- i grew up in the south. i grew up in the south. what about y'all? >> that's fine, too. i like that one. well, thank you so much for being here. so nice to see you again. the "transparent musicale finale" is streaming on amazon now. jill soloway, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian leah bonnema.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. folks, my next guest is a stand-up comedian making her network television debut. please welcome, leah bonnema! ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> thank you! thank you! thank you! oh, thank you! thank you! oh!
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oh! this is so great. i'm having such an exciting week. i went to the gym. i didn't stay, but i walked in. ( laughter ) when i was at the gym, i was wearing a steeler's jersey. a man walked up to me, pointed at my shirt, and he goes, "steelers? did you know that's a football team?" ive so taken back i thought i missed the question. i was like, "i'm sorry, did you just ask me if i understand my own clothes?" ( laughter ) but that's when it hit me. i was like, "oh, women need to kill more people." ( laughter ) ( applause ) word would spread, and people would be like, "oh, shoot. did you hear that chicks are killing people now? maybe we should keep our opinions to ourselves." ( applause ) thank you. thanks. are you great. are you great.
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c just pay them the same. it doesn't seem worth it anymore. you know what, we let them have their birth control. restricting women's access to birth control blows my mind for many reasons. one of the reasons being we don't have a hormonal birth control equivalent for men. right. we tried to get one on the market. it was 96% effective, and it was being given to a closed study of men-- because you just can't give men birth control and be like, "get out there." we had to watch them. right? ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know. you know, guys. so we had to keep them in a coral. and then men started abandoning the study because they didn't like the side effects. i don't want men to have bad side effects, but i don't want women to have bad side effects, either. siefngs for women on birth control include heart attack, stroke, death. ( gasps ) tough day! side effects for men on birth
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control were mood swings. ( laughter ) when i read that my eyes bled. ( laughter ) this is a quote from the study. one guy said, "look, i just don't want to feel sad for no reason." and the pharmaceutical company was like, "shut didit down! james is sad!" ( applause ) ( laughter ) i got an i.u.d. it's birth control, interuterine device. looks like a little antenna. it's also a free wifi hot spot. ( laughter ) when i got it, i told my boyfriend that it had to count towards our couple shared responsibility. like if you count everything a couple does together-- cooking, cleaning-- you you've got to throw birth control in there and then you divide it up evenly. so i'm on birth control, and
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then he does everything else. ( applause ) women are with me! i really love my boyfriend. i've been with him 11 years. ( applause ) thank you, thank you! thank you! it's 11 years in new york. 11 new york city years is like 975 regular human years. ( laughter ) our bed touches three out of the four walls in our bedroom. ( laughter ) it's tight. i think we're a great couple because we're complementary damaged. right, like everybody's a little messed up, so you have to find somebody who is messed up in opposite ways as you, and then you have nothing to fight about. for example, my boyfriend is a very bad detail listener. i don't care. it's not a thing that bothers me. but, like, he has no idea where i am right now. ( laughter )
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ause ) for sure. we discussed it. we were so excited. i was like, "i'm doing colbert." i saw the words go into his face. ( laughter ) but i guarantee when i get home later, he's going to look at me and be like, "babe, where you been?" ( laughter ) and you want to say, "where did the words go?" right, but he's not doing it on purpose. there's no point in making him feel bad. so i'm just going to tell him again, and we'll get excited twice. ( laughter ) ( applause ) right? you guys, thank you so much. i'm leah bonnema! >> stephen: her podcast is called "were you raised by wolves?" and is available on itunes. leah bonnema, everybody! we'll be right b k.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be carrie underwood, kevin smith, and jason mewes. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen,


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