tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 29, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> for weeks, the impeachment inquiry into president donald trump has been happening almost entirely behind closed doors. that is all about to change. the impeachment inquiry will soon be coming to television, with one house democrat even saying, "do it in prime time so that the majority of americans can be home watching it." >> this fall on cbs: "impeachment primetime." first, president trump asks for a favor from the ukraine. now he and his personal lawyer are digging for biden dirt-- on waikiki. "hawaii quid-pro-quo." ( laughter ) then, follow the hilarious exploits of a group of g.o.p. congressmen as they squirm through various closed doors for
no apparent reason: "the big barge theory." ( laughter ) then, one is a seasoned tough- as-nails investigator. the other is adam schiff. together, with one other guy, they are "pelosi, schiff and macgyver." ( laughter ) finally, a sitcom about a president raising his two half- witted sons while violating the constitution. "two and a half brains." ( laughter and applause ) it's all happening right here on cbs-- and local ukranian affiliates. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: ukraine wreck. plus, stephen welcomes: jennifer aniston. and thomas middleditch. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: come on!
hey! how are you? how are you? ( cheers and applause ) perfect! hey! thanks, everybody. delightful. thank you much. please, have a seat. you're too kind. thank you very much. welcome, one and all to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. regardless-- folks, regardless of the endless roadblocks, the president and his axis of allies are trying to throw in front of it, the impeachment inquiry keeps moving forward. and the republicans keep sinking lower. they hit rock bottom a while ago, but in the last 24 hours, they've gotten out the blasting caps, and they are fracking america's moral bedrock. ( laughter ) i'll tell you all about it in tonight's installment of "don and the giant impeach." ( cheers and applause ) >> the impeachment of your president is a scam. >> stephen: trump-- trump has constantly complained that all
the evidence about his ukrainian phone call was hearsay. but today, the house heard testimony from a firsthand witness: director of european affairs at the national security council, and "military john hodgman," colonel alexander vindman. ( laughter ) now, during trump's ukrainian phone call, vindman was listening in from the situation room, so it wasn't hearsay. vindman could actually hear the bad stuff trump say. ( laughter ) vindman explained, "i listened in on the call in the situation room with colleagues from the n.s.c. and the office of the vice president. as the transcript is in the public record, we are all aware of what was said." yes, we all are. ukraine said they were ready for more military aid. then trump said, "i want you to do us a favor, though," and then asked for dirt on the bidens and the d.n.c. pretty bald. it's like if "the sixth sense" were called "bruce willis
doesn't know he's dead." ( laughter ) >> jon: spoiler alert there. >> stephen: spoiler alert. ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: now, vindman's testimony directly contradicts that of ambassador to the e.u. and "jean-douche picard," gordon sondland. ( laughter ) ambassador sondland told house investigators that no one had raised concerns about the president's actions. yes, vindman did not raise concerns. all he did was "convey certain concerns," "share his concerns," "reported his concerns," and "again reported his concerns." ( laughter ) it's a classic case of "he said, he said, he said, he said." ( laughter ) vindman complained at least-- twice? twice, to the national security council lawyer. once, he even went in person to speak with him, accompanied by his identical twin brother, yevgeny, who is a lawyer on the national security council. wait the wha?!
he has a twin brother who also serves on the n.s.c.? let's check him out. aww! it's so cute when twins dress alike. ( laughter ) their dramatic story is chronicled in the new kid's movie, "the president trap." ( laughter ) vindman's record is sterling. according to his opening statement, "for more than two decades, it has been my honor to serve as an officer in the united states army. i served multiple overseas tours in iraq. i was wounded in an i.e.d. attack and awarded the purple heart. the privilege of serving my country is not only rooted in my military service but also in my personal history. i sit here as a lieutenant colonel in the united states army, an immigrant." wow, that last part-- ( cheers and applause ) crazy. that last part must have come as a huge shock to donald trump. ( as trump ) "what do you mean, he's an immigrant? ( laughter ) i didn't know those came in white!
you know what, he must be-- ( audience boos ) you know what? it must be some sort of "man- lania.'" ( laughter ) now, i think it's fair to say that, unlike donald trump, vindman's character is unimpeachable. but that didn't stop all the president's toadies from questioning his loyalty. >> he is from the soviet union. he emigrated here and has an affinity to the ukranian people. >> mr. vindman, he's an adviser to the president. um, he is a former ukrainian. >> he has an affinity, i think, for the ukraine. he speaks ukrainian. he came from the country. >> i'm of irish descent. i still love the irish. um, and he has an affinity probably for his homeland. >> stephen: yes, my family are all from ireland, too. i've always had a great affinity for the irish, until i found out this ass--( bleep ) was one. i wonder... i wonder-- ( applause )
i wonder if the scots will take me. today's hearings were secret, but pretty soon, we're going to know everything, because last night speaker nancy pelosi sent a letter to house democrats announcing that the house will vote to formalize the procedures in the ongoing impeachment inquiry of president trump. she even sent out postcards: "save the date, and our democracy." ( laughter ) pelosi-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't know what to wear. i don't know what to wear, jon! >> jon: oh, man! you got to find something! >> stephen: pelosi insists that no formal vote is necessary to impeach a president, but says that trump and his supporters "argue that, because the house has not taken a vote, they may simply pretend the impeachment inquiry does not exist." yes, trump's strategy on a lot of things is just to pretend it doesn't exist. uh, the popular vote, the constitution, salad. ( laughter ) eric. ( laughter )
now, pelosi promises that the resolution creates hearings that are open to the american people. that means live televised hearings. it's going be the highest ratings for c-span since watergate, when congress heard testimony from the fonz. ( laughter ) "mr. fonzarelli, do you wear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" ( as fonz ) "ayyyyyy! ( laughter ) ( applause ) whoa. ayyyyyy." trump reacted on twitter to the looming impeachment vote: "nervous nancy pelosi is doing everything possible to destroy the republican party. our polls show that it is going to be just the oppidite." ( laughter ) yes. ( cheers and applause ) the oppidite. the oppidite, my friends. well, mr. president, you are clearly the oppidite of
innocent, and will likely be imbeefed. ( laughter ) the vote to formalize the impeachment inquiry will be held on thursday, and that very night, my guest will be nancy pelosi. ( cheers and applause ) yes. boom! come on! fancy nancy. that night, that night, of course, is also halloween. so we're calling it "nancy pe-ghosty's haunted house scream-peachment sin-quiry into the president's quid pro crow with boo-kraine!" ( cheers and applause ) we should call it that. we should really call it that. vindman is not the only veteran coming forward with harrowing stories from the white house, because we just got some new dish from former white house chief of staff and man embodying
the phrase "what the hell?" general john kelly. ( laughter ) kelly left the white house in january of... i'm going to guess 1852. ( laughter ) at an event, just last weekend? last weekend, he revealed a warning he gave trump while he was looking for a new chief of staff. >> we were still in the process of trying to find someone to take my place. i said, "whatever you do, don't- - don't hire a 'yes man,' someone that's going to tell you-- won't tell you the truth. don't do that. because if you do, i believe you will be impeached." >> stephen: yes, john kelly has psychic powers. ( laughter ) he can foretell the obvious. he's nostra-dumbass. ( laughter ) trump responded to kelly's criticism in a statement saying, "john kelly never said that. he never said anything like that.
if he would have said that, i would have thrown him out of the office. he just wants to come back into the action like everybody else does." oh, yeah. oh, yeah. kelly just misses the action! i mean, just look at how much fun! he! had! ( laughter ) trump wasn't the only one-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah, like gum in my mouth. of all the nights. trump wasn't the only one who had harsh words for kelly. so did white house press secretary and stepford spokesman, stephanie grisham, who said, "i worked with john kelly, and he was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great president." >> audience: boo! >> stephen: yeah, yeah. that was a slow build. ( laughter ) now, sounds like trump's buddy, kim jong-un, has really rubbed off on him. matter of fact, north korea's news leader has also been reporting this story.
( laughter ) >> stephen: that's a good deal. they've got great deals going on. ( applause ) fantastic deals going on. now, last night, the president and the first lady hosted their third halloween at the white house. it's kind of cute. in keeping with tradition, trump welcomed children of military families, as well as local elementary school students, for trick-or-treating. what a spooky experience for
those children! ( as kid ) "it's that big, creepy house on the end of the block. they say the old man who lives there wears hair made from dead people!" ( laughter ) so-- "he looks like he's wearing somebody else's skin!" ( laughter ) to kick things off, the president and the first lady walked out to "the addams family" theme song. take a look. ( "addams family" theme plays ) that's nice. that's nice. also makes sense. the trumps are creepy, kooky, and have their own uncle fester. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. jennifer aniston is here. but when we return, "meanwhile!" the deals keep coming at petsmart
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human right there! ( cheers and applause ) very nice. very nice. jon, i'm very excited. i'm lit. i'm lit. ( applause ) thank you very much! i'm just as excited as you guys are, because, jon, jennifer aniston is going to be out here in just a moment. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: jennifer aniston. one of the friends! >> stephen: i've got good news to share with all of you. it turns out-- and i did not know this-- you are extremely kind and generous. because, yesterday, i reminded
you about chef jose andres and his organization, world central kitchen, handing out over a million and a half meals to hurricane victims down in the bahamas. ( applause ) still in big trouble down there. we at "the late show" are pitching in with proceeds from our book made up of dumb stuff trump said, "whose boat is this boat?" and today, thanks to you, our book has rocketed to number three on amazon! ( cheers and applause ) you did it! all proceeds-- all proceeds of this book will go to hurricane relief. keep it going. you can go to www.wck.org, that's world central kitchen, and give generously, or you can just go buy the book. with your help, i know we can get to number one. we're already at the top of the charts in atmospheric sciences! take that, "clouds!" ( laughter ) sorry. "clouds." ( applause )
folks, you know i spend a lot of time over there, knitting the fine mongolian wool of the big news stories into the luxurious cashmere scarf that is my monologue. but sometimes i like to swing by jo-ann's, grab a fistful of felt, some pipe cleaners, macaroni, and glitter and glue, and toss back an entire box of wine, and slap together the confusing holiday sweater of news that is my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) there it is. meanwhile, according to new research, "implanting false memories in a bird's brain changes its tune." okay. ( laughter ) what are we doing? honestly, at long last, have we no decency? i look forward to these same scientists giving us headlines like "koalas make brand-new facial expressions when you threaten their children in front
of them," and "if you hook up a car battery to a rainbow's nipples, it turns all red." yes. rainbows have nipples. some day, they found the rainbow connection. really? that's where you draw the line? at the idea of rainbows having nipples? shame on you! ( laughter ) meanwhile, it's halloween, which means, just for tonight, "meanwhile" is dressing up as "halloween-while." ( spooky music ) halloween-while, in spooky fast- food news, burger king is selling a "ghost whopper" for halloween, because, as we know, the spirits of murdered whoppers never rest. halloween-while, in other scary food news: taco bell. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
oh. oh, there's more? okay. "taco bell has recalled 2.3 million pounds of beef for containing metal shavings." yes, they discovered the metal shavings the first time a sober person ate taco bell. ( laughter ) ( applause ) halloween-while, a giant pumpkin weighing 2,175 pounds has set a california record and was grown by leonardo urena of napa, who says he enjoys the pumpkin- growing community. or, as they call it, "the lifestyle." ( laughter ) we'll be right back with jennifer aniston. ♪
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, folks... this is a treat for you. our next guest is a treat for me. you know my first guest from "friends," "office space," "horrible bosses" and "cake." her new series is "the morning show." >> it's just an event. >> really, just an event? only with the worst timing ever. i'd rather stick daggers into my eyeballs. >> alex. >> what!? >> how about you pretend to have food poisoning and just don't go? >> i cannot do that! everyone in there will know that i'm lying, know that i'm uncomfortable and afraid, that i'm afraid of what's going to happen to me on the show in the wake of mitch. everyone in there is press. they think they know everything. half of them hate me because i'm too successful, and the other half hate me, i don't know, because their hearts are at home
( bleep ) in a jar! oh, god! oh, i can't cry! >> stephen: please welcome, jennifer aniston! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: lovely. ( cheers and applause ) >> hi! >> stephen: so nice to see you. >> it's so nice to see you! oh, i'm so happy to be here. hi! >> stephen: i'm so happy to meet you. as i was telling you backstage, i can't believe we haven't met before. >> i can't believe it, either. >> stephen: i can't believe it's taken so long for your first appearance on the show. >> what kept us apart for so long. >> stephen: you live in los
angeles. we have a great mutual friend, david schwimmer. we went to college and you worked with him for a few years. >> a couple. i vaguely remember that. he's a great guy. but i actually was on the show once, but i got bumped, and-- >> stephen: i would remember bumping jennifer aniston. i promise. we want to thank jennifer aniston for stopping by. >> well it wasn't-- i wasn't actually on. our other mutual friend tig notaro was on. >> stephen: i think i know what you're talking about. >> she texted me. >> stephen: she said she was a friend of yours. and she is. and i said, do you have your number on your phone? and she is. and she is. >> and you said, "let's text her now." and i said, "did i make it?" and she said, "no, they cut it." i think we have a clip. jim. >> she is a friend. i have to say that on national television. she is absolutely a friend.
a very good friend. >> stephen: can i ask you something about jen? >> yeah. >> stephen: she does a commercial where she has the lotion, and she drinks smart water, and the dry eye where's she does the drops. why does she lack moisture? "why do you lack moisture?" ( laughter ) "colbert here." did you get that? >> i sure did. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you have any idea what was going on? >> i sure did not. >> stephen: what did you think when that came through? >> i thought tig was having a moment. by the way, not much of that was spelled correctly, which was-- if i read it back-- hey, you got to-- i got to get good with the thumbs. anyway, it was a pleasure-- it was still a pleasure to be there, kind of. at least i got to have a text from you. that was exciting. once she said it was actually you.
>> stephen: i'm sorry we cut it. >> that's all right. we just got it back. >> stephen: most of this will make it to air tonight, i think. i'm fairly sure. >> i'm pretty sure. >> stephen: would you like a card of your own? >> no, but i do like this. >> stephen: last night, congratulations, you had the premiere of your new show, "the morning show." >> yes, big premiere. >> stephen: here in new york. where did you guys hold it? >> it was at lincoln center. >> stephen: that's fancy, it was really, it was amazing-- right, it was so fancy. >> stephen: that must have felt very special. >> it was so special, and it was also personally very special to me. it was in the david geffen hall, which used to be avery fisher haul. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> and i graduated from high school in that exact room where the show was aired. >> stephen: wow. ( applause ) >> stephen: what high school. >> performing arts. performing arts. laguardia, now. performing arts. >> audience member: laguardia! >> yes! ( applause ) wow. see how-- it's worth the scream like that. where are you? >> stephen: it's like a fight
song, isn't it "la guardia." >> it terrifies you every day when people yell that. >> stephen: now-- >> yes. >> stephen: you lived in new york when you were first an actress. >> i lived from age six to 20. i can't say i worked as an actress except for off-off-off- off broadway. and i did a bob's big boy commercial. >> stephen: you did a bob's big boy. >> i did. that was my first job. that's when i got my sag card. >> stephen: do you remember your line? >> i said, "the shrimp is ready!" or something. i wasn't even bob's big boy. i was the competition of was not to go and get for fast food. >> stephen: sure you not as good as a bob's big boy. >> exactly. >> stephen: you waited table? where did you wait tables? >> jackson hall hamburgers on 82th and columbus, which, sadly, just closed. >> stephen: did you work the sunday brunches there? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: because they're like the fall of saigon. you can't believe how unbelievably crowded it is there.
>> i know. the lines-- >> stephen: were you a good waitress? >> no, i was a terrible waitress. i was a hostess, then they finally allowed me to be a waitress. >> stephen: because hostesses make no money. >> no, you just get a lot of business cards. >> stephen: not all hostesses do. >> well, that's maybe. so, yes, but i was-- i had slippery fingers as a waitress was the problem. >> stephen: you were stealing from people? what does that mean? >> yes, i stole from people. >> stephen: you were dropping trays? >> i would-- yes. things would sort of-- i tripped. i'm very klutzy. >> stephen: how long did you do it? >> two and a half years. >> stephen: wow, that's a long time to not be a good waitress. >> stephen: that's a lot of broken plates. >> i got better eventually. >> stephen: and now you appreciate good service. >> i sure do. and i always tip very, very well because i appreciate it. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, the show's plot revolves around a beloved morning show host who gets fired for sexual misconduct.
>> uh-huh. >> stephen: where on earth did you dream up this fantasy world that you're inhabiting? >> yeah. it was an inspired idea. i just kind of woke up with it one day and thought, "what have we not heard yet?" yeah. no. >> stephen: was this actually created, like, post-"me, too"? >> yes, this was a book, "top of the morning." and we basically the-- michael ellen berg bought the rights to the book, came to reese and myself, said would we come and produce it? >> stephen: because you and reese witherspoon are also executive producers. >> we're executive producers on it as well. that's right. ( applause ) and it was just no question, let's get in and do this. and it's been a ball ever since. then "me, too" happened and the world changed. >> stephen: yes. >> as you know. >> stephen: for the better. >> for the better. >> stephen: yes, so far. ( applause ) >> i know, at least we got a little bit of a silver lining. >> stephen: did you do a ride- along or anything? did you visit any of the morning shows? >> we shadowed "g.m.a."
yes, 5:00 in the morning until 7:00 in the morning. two-hour window. >> stephen: i was a guest anchor over there for one day. and i thought it would break me. >> yes, i don't know how they actually do it and have sanity. >> stephen: i have great respect-- >> as a lot of your wonderful people here. >> stephen: i have great respect-- >> i do, too. >> stephen:--for them, but the speed at which they have to do that show is insane. new stuff goes to the prompter, they've never seen it, they read it, and go on to the next story. they're doing it phonetically. >> you worry about their nervous system sometimes. and then they're on air and it's as if nothing ever happened. it's just, like, smooth as silk. >> stephen: have you ever worked a job where you had to get up-- go ahead and take it. go ahead and take it. >> i just like doing this. >> stephen: you can have thomas middleditch's, he's next. >> that's a name. >> stephen: it is, isn't it? you know... >> i just like it.
>> stephen: you know what sound guys love? this, this. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: some guys just love this. >> okay, then i'll do it. >> stephen: you can do anything you want. you're jennifer aniston! damn it, you can do whatever you want. >> is this mine? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's yours. we have to take a break. please don't leave. because we're going to be right back with more jennifer aniston, everybody. stick around. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) one of the products i helped develop at 3m was a more secure diaper closure. there were babies involved... and they weren't saying much. that's what we do at 3m, we listen to people, even those who don't have a voice. we are people helping people. i felt gross. it was kind of a shock after i started cosentyx. four years clear. real people with psoriasis look and feel better with cosentyx. don't use if you're allergic to cosentyx. before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. an increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms,
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back with jennifer aniston. star of "the morning show." on apple tv-plus. congratulations. i just found out that on october 15, you broke the guinness world record for the fastest time to reach one million followers on instagram. ( cheers and applause ) that time, for those of you keeping score at home, five hours 16 minutes to reach one million, beating prince harry. and, you know, suck it, harry. >> "suck it, harry." you gotta have goals, guys. you know what i mean? >> stephen: with this photograph: ( applause ) how often does this happen?
how often do you get together? >> that gathering? >> it happens a couple-- once every two years. but the girls, all the time. >> stephen: yeah. >> schwimmer lives here. matty works. it's hard to get us all in the same place. >> stephen: people are always clamoring for a reunion. >> always. >> stephen: and the other day on "ellen" you made noises "this might happen." >> i just made noises. >> stephen: what is happening? >> i said, "something is happening." >> stephen: what is happening? >> i don't know. something is happening. >> stephen: did you say that to end the question? >> i'm saying it now to end it. nothing is happening, maybe something is happening. >> stephen: you can confirm something is happening. >> something is happening. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's official. >> but we don't know what that "something" is. >> stephen: no, no, doesn't matter. but something is better than nothing. >> i agree with you. 100%. >> stephen: now, this is-- i think this is truly a milestone in anyone's career. i have not achieved this yet--
unless i have. i don't know. you are now a lego. because this past summer, lego made a "friends-"themed set in honor of the show's 20th anniversary. i think it's central park, they did the central park set. your friend matthew perry made this bold claim. he said, "you can clearly see chandler is the most attractive. >> such a matthew perry thing to say. >> stephen: i question that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, it's even got- - it's got the hair. >> it's got the hair. i'm not sure what season this is, because i've not had that kind of an angled bob. but chris mcmillan would know. he's here. this is, you could go "let go of my lego." i don't know why i-- >> stephen: you can do this, too. >> oh! oh dear. but you fall over.
that's what happens when you-- that's what happens when we take the wig off. >> stephen: look. >> oh, no! that's a little-- that's an exorcist-- >> stephen: angry. and here's matthew perry. matthew perry right there. we can take his hair off. >> oh, yes. well now... ( applause ) well, i'm-- now i'm clearly the most attractive "friend." >> stephen: here's the thing? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: i don't want this to end. >> why does it have to. because there's-- wait, what's his name? >> stephen: please say that again. it will make him feel so good. "what's his name" has to come out. >> i didn't read it. i just heard the last name. >> stephen: it's a hard name. thomas middleditch. >> that guy. >> stephen: is he waiting in the wings? he left. thomas middleditch left. >> now we have more time. all the time in the world. >> stephen: let's keep going.
what do you want to talk about? what's on your mind? before we go, do you mind-- do you mind? this dress is absolutely beautiful. i can point something out to the people at home. >> you can do whatever you want. >> stephen: do you mind standing up. >> not at all. >> stephen: what i like about this dress, it's fantastic. this dress has something you rare rarely see in any dress-- i don't want to get too familiar here. you can unhook this right here and it unhooks from the back, too. and you have a cape. ( applause ) you're a-- you're a superhero. ( cheers and applause ) you're a super hero. or-- >> there are a lot of things we can do with this toy. >> stephen: in a pinch, like, in a pinch, you could handcuff somebody with that. >> i sure could. >> stephen: i can see that? >> you look-- you are so appropriate in a cape.
oh, first of all,-- ( cheers and applause ) you have to wear this! i wish i had my camera. it's really good. >> stephen: listen, i'm keeping this now. >> okay. i've of i'm off to another event. >> stephen: "the morning show" begins this friday on apple tv- plus. jennifer aniston, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with "silicon valley's" thomas middleditch. ♪ after a night like this, crest has you covered. crest, the official toothpaste of santa. my gums are irritated. i don't have to worry about that, do i? harmful bacteria lurk just below the gum line. crest gum detoxify, voted product of the year. it works below the gum line to neutralize harmful plaque bacteria and help reverse early gum damage. gum detoxify, from crest.
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>> man. >> stephen: what's up, tom. >> yo. who was that? ( laughter ) before? >> stephen: i don't know. she seemed very nice. >> yeah, she was great. >> stephen: anybody call you tom? >> tom, tommy, tim bells. >> stephen: does anybody call you thomas or is it strictly professional? >> people call me all the varieties of thomas and tom. >> stephen: to your family what are you? >> tom. "hello, tom." >> stephen: are you english? >> i'm not, but they are. my impressions of my father eye have about only a couple of things i can get right. one, when he's mad. he'll be like trying to get a photo, and he'll just say like, "put on a proper smile, tom!" because i'll be like... you know? ( laughter ) and then-- >> stephen: what's the other. >> when i haven't done that, he'll just say "oh, sod it!" and the last one is, "hands off your penis, tom!" ( laughter )
and that's not a joke. >> stephen: you're like, "i'm trying to give you a proper smile." yeah. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> well done, colbert! >> stephen: sixth and final season of "silicon valley." here we are. you guys have already-- you already finished, right? you're not in media res. you finished the damn thing. >> we shot the damn thing. >> stephen: what does that feel like, by the way, going into the season, "this is it. i better act pretty hard this year." >> "i better act the stuffing out of this thing." >> stephen: yeah. >> honestly, i don't want to get too cheesy, but it's been a show that's totally changed my life, and i've loved telling the story. so it was kind of-- it was sad to say goodbye to it. we literally ended the night of shooting with a group hug of cast and crew, everybody, like, arm in arm shedding a tear. >> stephen: that's lovely. >> it was really sweet. it was a special experience, really. >> stephen: have you gone hollywood in any way?
>> i mean, other than my 40-foot yacht, and my eagle that i ride to work. ( laughter ) >> stephen: nice. >> yeah. but the eagle's, like, small. it's me, "go!" it's-- it's a regular-sized bird. >> stephen: wow, sure, sure. >> but she hauls. she hauls. no, i'm kind of embarrassed to say, but we've already prearranged to say it. ( laughter ) yeah, okay, we're talking about this. okay, and talking about my teeth. >> stephen: anything new? >> yeah, when i first got to l.a., i got this new dentist. and she's russian. and she looked at my mouth, and she said, "uhm, have you ever thought about having veneers?" and i was like, "no, not really." she was like, "you might want to consider it. your teeth are so wild at the bottom and narrow at the top, it looks like you have a
condition." and i was like... "tell it to me straight, doc!" jeez! and eventually, yeah, we figure out that, you know, okay, let's do some veneers on my top two front teeth. >> stephen: those are applications-- the appliques that go on the front of your teeth, right? >> you be, it wasn't fully explained to me. in hindsight i know what they are now, but going into it, i just assumed they kind of shape it and put some caps on. oh, they shape it. they shape it down to, like, triangles. if you have never had veneers, a cautionary tale. i mean, they look great. they look great right now. super proud of them. >> stephen: they look beautiful and real. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. they turn them into shark teeth? >> they numb them up, and they file them-- here i am i'm thinking, wow, they're really taking their time making sure they're perfectly in shape ." they take a break at one point and the guy it's guy who would not stop telling me about his
web series. "hey, man, don't look in the mirror," and then he left. i was like, "what? what do you mean, sir!" and i didn't. i took his advice. because i was like, "oh, no, that means something bad." but then i sort of gingerly like-- like touched my teeth with my tongue. and sure enough i had been turned into snake man. i was temporarily dracula. and-- >> stephen: you needed a cape. >> yeah! and for a second, i got so sad. and i started crying. i'm a grown man crying in the dentist chair. and she came back in, the dentist, "what's wrong?" "nothing, nothing, nothing." and in my mind, this is what made me cry. okay, cut to, you know, 30 years from now it's a "mad max" apocalypse scenario, i'm driving around in my dirt bike being mad max.
and i bail, and bash my veneers out. and now there's no dentist. so now i'm dragon tooth forever. and how am i going to meet girls now! it's like-- it's like that's-- i was, like, crying this future "mad max" broken-hearts scenario. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> and i'm habitually cool. >> stephen: so anxiety is an issue? >> yeah, yeah, pretty chill. >> stephen: me, too. what's up, bro? "silicon valley" airs sundays on hbo. it's the final season. go watch it, everybody. thomas middleditch, snake tooth! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) i'm ládeia, and there's more to me than hiv.
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