tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 2, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
it already is. i'll be right back. this is one of those off-the-wall paintings. excuse me. good evening, victoria. well, dad, what are you doing here? i might ask the same of you. what? do you realize that right now as we speak cocktails are being served at the benefields and everyone's asking what's keeping victoria and her delightful father? benefield dinner? oh, my god, i forgot all about it. apparently so. luckily, i called your roommate and she told me where you were. oh, i'm sorry. i thought you would be. shall we go? but, dad, i have a dinner date. we both do, at the benefields. but i really like this guy. hey, what do you think this is, a singles bar?
you're old enough to be her father. jack, this is my father. i don't care who... this is your fath...? oh, i'm so sorry, sir. i didn't rec... i should have seen the resem... there is. but i'm terrib... you don't have to grovel. i don't mind. daddy, this is jack tripper. he's my date tonight. you're going out with a waiter? he's not a waiter. he owns this place. oh, oh, really. well, it's not very much. my thought exactly. shall we go? go? oh, you see, jack, i forgot... allow me, victoria. i must apologize for my daughter's lapse of memory. she completely forgot we have a dinner date this evening. oh, come on, dad. can't we at least have a glass of wine before we go? please. very well. vicky, why don't you sit here? sir, head of the table for you.
and, uh, here's a little vino for you, vicky. thank you. for you. none for me. so, here we... excuse me. ah! good year. but not for me. where did you meet this person? on the plane from san francisco. ah, yes, the friendly skies. victoria, we really must go. oh, dad. remember, roger willoughby's expecting you to be his dinner partner. roger willoughby? her fiance. he is not my fiance. just a matter of time. now, there's a fine young man. good family... harvard graduate. by the way, where did you go to school? san diego high. congratulations.
jack, i'm really sorry about dinner. it's okay. maybe some other time, huh? sure. some other time. victoria, don't you ever meet anyone from first class? ( knocking at door ) hi. hi. may i come in? sure. of course. uh, come in. thanks. do you have any of that wine left? oh, sure. yeah. why don't i sit down while you get it? i mean, why don't you get it while i sit down? why don't you get it while i sit down?
here you are. thank you. so... so? so, how was the party? fine. what did they serve for dinner? roast chicken. and then what? and mashed potatoes. and? and carrots. and? and are you glad to see me or not? yes. then why don't you say so? i'm glad to see you. that's better. and for dessert? jack... i'm kidding. so... so?
oh, jack. roger means nothing to me. yeah, but your father... well, he means a lot to my father. dad likes everything about him-- his family, his money, his position and his harvard diploma. he must hate me. oh, no. he likes me? oh, no. but he doesn't hate you. what do you say we forget about my father? well, i'll drink to that. well, can't you think of something better to drink to? yeah, i think so. here's to whatever it was that brought us together. i don't know... fate? chance? luck? the bathroom on flight 701. that was it. god, you are so pretty.
sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life. help is just a phone call away. guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya. love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about.
theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. hey, listen, ladies. i have got to tell you about this girl i met last night. jack, something very important has happened to me and i'm wondering if you can guess. that's cheating. shh! jack, i have invited phillip over here this evening. oh, i get it.
no! no. i would like for both of you to be here. well, janet, i'd like to but this is my night off, and i thought that i'd... oh, please, jack. please. i want you and terri, my very best friends to get to know phillip better because it's very important to me. now, think, jack. think. ( humming "wedding march" ) quiet, terri. i'm trying to think. jack, phillip and i are getting married. you're... you... you're getting married? janet! oh, janet, congratulations. really? yes. oh, congratulations. thank you, jack. have you set the date yet? no. first we have to find a place to live. and then phillip said...
yeah. you didn't think that they were going to move in here? well, no. of course not. i knew that. i'm just... you okay, jack, honey? huh? me? yeah, sure. i'm fine. i'm just, um... i'm just thinking... jack... you know, it's, uh... when you said you're looking for a place to live it just hit me. no more janet. oh, come on. i'm not moving to another planet. i'm going to be living right here in the very same city. yeah, but you won't be here, see? and, um, i'm... kind of used to you. well, if it'll make you feel better
you really mean that? mm-hmm. somebody's got to teach me how to cook. oh, janet. that's one of the things i love about you. you can always make me feel good. thank you, jack. um... i'm really going to miss you, jack. oh... ( crying ) hey, hey, jan. hey, janet, come on. you're going to be the happiest girl in the world. ( sobbing ) maybe not. janet... it's just that we have had so much fun in this apartment. ain't that the truth. i mean, we... we... ( crying ) janet... janet... janet... come on. hey, janet, look. come here, honey. come here. come here. i want to see a little smile. not that little.
all right. janet, you're going to be so happy. look at me. let's make a pact, all right? sure, jack. no more tears. okay, jack. no more tears. that's my girl. everything all right? yeah, terri. everything's just great. oh, janet. i'm going to miss you. i'm going to miss you, too, terri. ( both crying ) oh, jack, honey. ( humming ) ( phone rings ) i'll get it, terri! hello? hi, vicky. vicky! did you get my message? mm-hmm. all seven of them. oh, tonight?
i want you to meet the friends i told you about. you have a date? yeah. i made it last week before i met you. couldn't you find some way to just come over here for a few minutes, please? vicky, please. well, if it means that much to you, i'll try. hey, that's all i'm asking is that you just try. get over here quick. ow! oh, jack, what do you think of my new dress? oh, janet, it's gorgeous. thank you. i'll find something better. ( doorbell rings ) phil, how you doing? come on in. thank you. good to see you. why, phil, how nice to see you. well, it's nice to see you, too, terri. why don't we sit on the couch here? janet will be ready in just a minute. great. great. we understand you're looking for a place to live. mm-hmm. what sort of place?
one bedroom? what about the children? terri, you sound like janet's mother. next, you'll be asking phil how much money he makes. how much, phil? how much, phil? hello, phillip. oh, hi, janet. hi, honey. you look beautiful. oh, this? first thing i grabbed out of the closet and just threw on. ha! champagne! honey! guys, you're really going all out. you said it. this is very expensive, so the marriage better last. you know what i mean? don't worry, jack. it will. jack: terri. so, well, how about a toast, jack? okay, all right. i'll make it short and sweet, just like janet. ( laughs )
janet and phillip may you cherish and love each other forever. oh... thanks, jack. ( doorbell rings ) oh, that must be vicky. who? uh, it's a girl i want you guys to meet. must be somebody special. no, no. she's just a girl, that's all. no big deal. hi, jack. hi... you look so good. listen, i want you to meet my two very best friends. vicky, this is, um... janet. that's right-- janet. no big deal, huh? this is my other roommate, nurse terri. how are you? and that is phillip. that's janet's roommate-to-be. how do you do? congratulations to you both. janet: thank you. vicky, some champagne? hors d'oeuvres?
jack, you're not leaving us, are you? no. not me, just vicky. janet: what? well, i had a previous engagement. she couldn't get out... can i show you our kitchen? hey, i like your roommates, jack. oh, thanks, vicky. listen, um, about this guy you're going out with tonight... oh, you mean rex? rex? well, yeah. oh, you're not jealous, are you? jealous? me? wait. now, you got to understand something. what you did before you met me is none of my business, is it? no. what did you do? it's none of my business. ( doorbell rings ) that must be my date. your date? uh... i'll get it! you told him to pick you up here? jack, it was the only way i could spend any time with you.
hi. vicky told me to meet her here. you're rex? yes, and i'm supposed to pick her up... i'll get her. jack, why did you slam the door? no, it just slipped. sorry about that. are you all right? sure. i'm fine. now, you go have a good time with sex... rex! okay. well, good night. good night. good night. it was nice meeting you. night, jack. night. hi, rex. hi, vicky. rex. gee, jack, uh, vicky is lovely. yeah, yeah, she's very attractive. terri... hmm? what do you think?
jack... she went out with him. she actually went out with the wonder horse. she did tell you that she had a date. don't make excuses for her, all right? what? flaunting that boyfriend of hers. and then parading him up and down in front of you and terri like he's mr. america. jack, calm down. i'm calm. i'm calm. it doesn't bother me that much, you understand? and if she thinks it bothers me she's got another thing coming. okay, i made a mistake, but forget it. it's over, done with, finished. jack, you are in bigger trouble than you know. what? you're in love.
[captioned by the caption center wgbh educational f there. i'm really looking forward to this tonight. me, too. you never realize how desperate your social life has become until you're looking forward to a surprise party for kirk. hello, mrs. philbert, tom. good. you brought the cake. sorry i'm late. i had to get some whipped cream. i used up my last can on tom's birthday. what kind of cake did you bake for tom? who said anything about a cake?
dear john is filmed before a studio audience. over there. thanks for the help, chow ling. hi, chow ling. hello. party? oh, yeah. invite your friends at smokenders. it's a surprise party for kirk. kir...kir? oh, kir! that's right. yeah. mary beth, i don't see any diet soda. didn't you buy any? does anybody in this group really need to drink diet? i know i don't. well, me neither. nor i. to tell you the truth... it's john.
john? he's not overweight. well, not anymore. but you should have seen him when he first waddled in here. poor john, he still has to watch what he eats-- hi, john. howdy. wow! boy, what a terrific job you did here. wow! this is going to be great. our surprise party at the lincoln tunnel for tim flynn backfired. he came in the wrong end. do you think kirk will like the decorations? how could he not? nobody's ever thrown a birthday party for him. well, he's going to be touched. not by me he won't. do you really need that, john? is that the vcr we're giving kirk? yeah. it's got a 14-day memory,
sounds like tom. you know, his old vcr broke about a year ago, and he told me how he still can't watch those james bond movies he got for christmas. remember, john-- a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. this is going to be a great party. oh, oh! john. yeah. i'd forgotten. i still owe you for kirk's present. that's ok. i put in the extra-- oh, no! i forgot my wallet. ralph, ralph, what's that? oh, this is kirk's. i found it this morning by my telephone. last night he made some long distance calls. why was he using your phone? he said you weren't home. oh. boy, wouldn't you just love to take a peek at what's inside that wallet? we could find out where kirk lives, what he does,
while it may be tempting to look inside his wallet, i happen to have very high standards of personal conduct, damn it. yeah. we have to respect kirk's privacy. i'm glad to hear you say that, because he made me promise that nobody, but nobody would look inside the... did you promise him that nobody, but nobody would put stuff back into it? no. good. you're a darling. now, now, now, we mustn't look at them. o.k., we promise. look at this! oh! "kirk morris, loan officer, security merchants bank." at last! that's what kirk does for a living. don't be so sure. it also says, "specializing in loans to single women." please, ladies-- oh, dear, this says he's a hollywood talent scout.
god, where does kirk find the time? just gather them together and put them back-- "mr. kirk's bikini waxing"? why would anybody want to wax a bikini? to get to the other side, ralph. ohh... it's a riddle. all right, john, you're right. we'll just put these things back. oh, an out-of-state driver's license. who cares? you might. today is not his birthday. give me that. damn! he lied! his birthday isn't until september. oh, then he's really going to be surprised. not his birthday! what an idiot! no point in calling him names. i'm talking about myself.
we were in my apartment watching the game, and it sort of slips out that today's his birthday. his eyes get teary when he says nobody's ever given him a birthday party. he even said they were having a sale on vcrs. oh, why do i ever listen to that guy? 'cause you're an idiot? hi, everybody, i-- what is this? a surprise party. pour moi? you knuckleheads. i mean... look at this. decorations! cake! pretzels!
no wine? oh, and what is this? a present for me. i'm guessing, uh... a vcr? yes! hoo-hoo! oh, good shopping, john! so, uh, today is your birthday, huh? sure it is. can't you read? gee, kirk, i never would have figured you for a pisces. more like someone born in, i don't know, september? yes, a virgo. no. no, no, no, no. i haven't been a virgo since i was 15. talk about a birthday present. that was the night i lost my sign. that's it!
that's it! here, here. here's your wallet. according to the license, today's not your birthday. you said it was so we'd give you a party and vcr. what you did was despicable. even for you. do people a favor, and what happens? they turn on you. a favor? that's right. if you had waited till my real birthday, which, incidentally, i'm not expecting a party for, you would have missed the sale and not have gotten a great deal on that vcr. and this is how you thank me. how fast can i get a gun permit? if you explain why you need it, they'd rush it over. you've been coming here for about two years. we still don't know anything about you. nothing. that's true. all right. all right.
let's start with the small things. what happened to your marriage? it's too painful to talk about. or where you come from. i wish i could discuss that. how about your favorite color? i would just as soon not dredge that up again. this is a support group. if you can't talk about yourself, why waste our time? o.k. o.k. that's the way you feel about it... you can keep your cake, and you can keep your popcorn and your pretzels. i know when i'm not wanted. you're not going anywhere with that vcr. o.k. o.k. i apologize.
and i'm sorry. the one thing that i didn't lie about is nobody's ever thrown a party for me before. nobody. ever. this is the first. if this is what they're like, i never want another one. well, since kirk's never had a party, since we've gone to all this trouble anyway, perhaps we ought to let him have his party. all right? sure. all right. next week we're devoting the meeting to you, kirk. we're learning all about you. be prepared to tell us everything, but everything, about yourself. and no made-up stories. everything?
he told ralph where he lives? that's right. i think kirk's making progress already. i'll believe that when i see it. john! stop it! this is how it started with elvis. 12 pallbearers. what's with her? every time i eat something, she slaps my hand. she think i got a weight problem? i have to confess, john. it's because of... kate. kate? she wanted diet soda at last week's party but didn't want to admit to mary beth she's watching her figure. she said it was for you. oh. nah, nah, nah, nah, kate, kate. you know the rules. use a gun, go to jail.
hi, guys. hello, ralph. hi, ralph. where's kirk? uh...he's not coming. what? he promised! he swore! he lied. when i went to get him, i heard weird music coming from his apartment. when i knocked on the door, he pretended he wasn't there. we should penalize him for not showing up, just like my manicurist does with me. how did i ever let him leave with that vcr? wee going to get it back. come on, ralph, you know where he lives. wow! our first field trip! [sitar music playing] here it is. and that's the weird music i was telling you about. all right. stand back. let me deal with kirk.
don't pretend you're not there. it's not going to work this time. come on, kirk. we know you're in there. open up. we're not going to leave here... yes? oh, uh... i'm sorry. uh... uh... we must have the wrong apartment. we were looking for kirk morris. please, come in. um...i--i... i'm not sure you understand. we're looking for a kirk morris. he lives in this building. maybe you know him? he's about 5'10" with blond hair and blue eyes. yes, i know him very well. kirk is my husband. what? what? your husband? oh, dear. i am sudha. i am sorry, but kirk is not at home. he will back soon...
he was very upset when he left. i am sorry. i must say no more. what are we going to do? why ask me? we're here because of you. don't take this personally, dear, but it's all your fault. my fault? now wait a second here. back up a minute. maybe i said kirk never had a birthday party. maybe i said we should get him a vcr so he can watch those dumb james bond movies. i said to throw him a birthday party. it's my fault. let's get out of here. what are you guys doing here? where's sudha? she's in the bedroom crying. we don't know what happened. she's very lovely, kirk.
i told you-- i don't want to talk about my personal life. will you just stop asking me? i guess we better go. no. please, wait. sudha...no. your friends deserve to know the truth. you've lived in agony with this secret for too long a time, kirk. who--who is this? oh, he's adorable. he's my son. your son? i can't... his name is rajeesh. rajeesh dave. after her father... and my uncle. kirk and i met four years ago when he was an airline steward on the new york to new delhi run.
and two days later we eloped to calcutta. unfortunately, her old man went crazy when he found out we were married. he hated him so much that when our son was born my father kidnapped little rajeesh. he told me if i ever wanted to see our child again, i would have to leave kirk forever and return home to my family. i had no other choice. that's the last i saw of my son, and... the last i saw of sudha until yesterday. she risked her life to bring me this picture and those videotapes of rajeesh. "rajeesh's first steps." oh. "rajeesh's first birthday." oh. i had to bring them to remind him we'll always be a family even if we can never ever be together.
it's got a 14-day memory-- john. john. what? i think we've worn out our welcome. we should leave these two alone. let's go. love your apartment. we'll see you at the meeting next week, kirk? you are coming, aren't you? come to the meeting. you won't have to say anything. i'll be there. get out. don't watch me cry. bye. bye. darling... you're marvelous. no one would ever guess you're from jackson heights. brooklyn heights, please. i got a little pride here. whatever. you were fantastic.
wait a second, slick. you said it was going to be 35, plus you owe me another 10 for the picture of gunga din. all right. you were worth it. the kirk morris mystique is intact. there you go. all right. now that business is taken care of what do you say we get together sometime? yeah, sure. i need a date with you like i need another hole in the head. [doorbell rings] hey, kirk? it's john. quick. get in the bedroom. all right, but make it fast. my roommate's going to be back any minute. what are you doing? i forgot the sari. don't apologize. get in the bedroom. hey, john. listen, kirk, i came back to apologize for--
yes, it is. no, john. it's important. i want you to hear this. when i came here tonight it was to take back the vcr, but, uh... after learning about your wife and your kid, seeing your family pain, i wanted to say i have nothing but respect for you, and, uh... look, i'm a father. i know that special bond that exists between a father and a son. if things get tough, you got someone right here who cares about you. my husband... yes, my love? i need you. i'm coming! women. but i'm not complaining. i worship the hot coals she walks on.
goldfinger he's the man the man with the midas touch... captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. so, my little puppy skipper that i loved so much was just...lying there. i was only 7, and i had never, ever faced death before. and then my daddy said, "even though you've lost skipper, he'll always be with you." we went out [telephone rings] underneath the magnolia tree, dug a little hole, and then i put skipper in this beechwood box and slowly lowered him into the ground.
[ring] if i'm not mistaken, the coat rack's ringing. that's right. i'm using today's technology [ring] to handle tomorrow's women. ladies and gentlemen, the babe-o-phone. do we have to put up with this? hello. kirk here on cellular. what do you mean, bring the phone back? i only missed one payment. so it was my first payment. sorry. i can't hear you. i'm getting interference from this piece of crap you tried to sell me. i'm sorry, mary beth. i didn't mean to interrupt your story. please forgive me. the last thing i want to seem is insensitive.
dear john is filmed before a studio audience. captioning made possible by paramount domestic television i still can't believe it! this great guy, bob benson, finally calls me. you know, he took my number over a month ago. it just shows there's always hope. never, never give up. how about you and me-- give up, kirk. come on, you and me and a nice, romantic evening... thanks, but i'd rather hang by my earlobes. where does it say we can't do both? [telephone rings] excuse me. [ring] hello. oh, hi, tina marie. ooh. ooh, ooh.
it's nice that tina marie's up and around again after her lobotomy. all right, all right. kate, tell us about your fabulous date. i'm green with envy. where is this benson taking you? that's the best part. in exactly one hour, yours truly will be waltzing through the brass doors of aux petites fleurs. ohh! aux petites fleurs? that's the hottest new restaurant in town. try the quail stuffed with foie gras. ralph, you've been there? no. i just always wanted to say that. aunt kate? danny. excuse me, everybody. this is my nephew danny. what are you doing here? how'd you find me? can we talk outside? sure, sure. i'll be right back.
so? i never told you i had a nephew shirley. can i stay with you? of course you can stay with me, but i thought you came to visit your father. i came because mom wants me to see dad, but why if he doesn't want to see me? oh, danny. hi, kate. oh, hi, john. john, this is my nephew danny. well, hello, danny. i can see the family resemblance. you got your aunt's... luggage. don't you have luggage like that? stop. go call your mom and tell her you'll be staying with me. thanks a lot, aunt kate. right after that, my nephew had his operation. now he's my niece walter. danny has a problem with his father.