tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC January 19, 2016 10:34pm-11:37pm CST
roots crew. >> questlove: 403, alberta. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, looking good tonight. looking good tonight. hot show, hot crowd. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it, everybody. you're here. you made it. this is the show. thank you very much. we're going to have fun. funny show tonight. but first, here's what people
this morning, twitter went down for almost three hours. it wasn't good. no. [ laughter ] in fact, i heard donald trump actually had to fax his insults to people. [ laughter ] the whole thing is a nightmare. [ applause ] of course, donald trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he'll go back to building skyscrapers. [ light laughter ] when asked where he'd build them, he said, "right in front of the white house." [ laughter and applause ] good land there. meanwhile, did you hear about this? the british lawmakers are -- they met yesterday to start debating whether or not to ban donald trump from entering the uk. [ laughter ] it's crazy, because if there's anyone who should get along with donald trump, it's british lawmakers. >> you are the weakest link. good-bye. [ laughter ] a damp rag. >> you don't need it to be christmas to know when you're sitting next to a turkey. >> you're a miserable pipsqueak of a mad dog. [ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ] even trump was like, "everyone calm down. [ laughter ] just chill out." "next to a turkey." [ laughter ] and check this out. in a new interview in "time" magazine, democratic candidate bernie sanders said that he's never worn a tuxedo in his life. when asked what he got married in, bernie said, "1879." [ laughter and applause ] what did you wear? listen to this, a recent town hall meeting, chris christie admitted that he's got a little bit of a crush on adele. [ audience oohs ] which explains adele's new song -- hell no [ laughter and applause ] hell no. of course, last night -- so psyched, we got a brand-new episode of "the bachelor." you know we love "the bachelor." [ cheers ] it was exciting. ben and lauren b. had their first kiss. [ audience oohs ] a lot of people are saying the
too long, but the audio was a a little screwed up. maybe it was just because they were in the hot tub. watch this. see if you can see anything. [ squeak ] [ laughter ] [ slurping ] [ laughter ] [ crackling ] [ laughter ] [ raspberry sound ] [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: romantic. that's how kids kiss right now. >> steve: that's what they do. >> jimmy: that's how people kiss now. >> steve: kids love it. that's the way they act. >> jimmy: you guys, if you're looking for some valentine's day plans, you might want to listen to this. the "harry potter" studio tour just announced that it's hosting a valentine's day dinner in the great hall from hogwarts. [ audience oohs ] it's great for couples or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an invisibility
[ laughter and applause ] normally you can't see her, she's from canada. she doesn't -- her friends aren't friends with your friends. [ laughter ] i thought this was pretty cool. the airplane manufacturer airbus recently announced it's partnering with uber to offer helicopter rides in a new service called uberchopper. [ laughter ] and you thought it was annoying when your uber driver tried to talk to you before. >> how's the temperature back there, good? you want any water? i said, you want any water? why don't you give me your iphone and i can play whatever music you like. [ cheers and applause ] leave me alone. and finally, i just read about a man in california who is making news for having over 1,000 different credit cards and a near perfect credit score. when asked what his secret is, he said, "mugging people." [ laughter and applause ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody.
>> jimmy: oh, we've got a big week of shows ahead. tomorrow night, dakota johnson and marlon wayans will be here. [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have a special musical performance from -- stephen bishop will be here tomorrow. we love him. [ applause ] on and on it just keeps on he's not doing that. [ light laughter ] >> steve: he's not doing that one? >> jimmy: no, he's not doing that one. he's going to do -- something's tellin me it might be you like a really nice romantic little valentine's -- pre-valentine's day song. >> steve: pre-valentine's day song. >> jimmy: yeah, but we're going to do something special with it. it's gonna b@ a good one. then later this week, we have sarah silverman, marco rubio, and jeff daniels will all be joining us. [ applause ] that's a great week. but first, we're so happy to have her back on the show.
documentary series premiering this saturday on netflix called "chelsea does." it's awesome. >> steve: it's great. >> jimmy: it's great. yeah. she's tackling different, like -- four different subjects. like, she does marriage, technology, drugs. chelsea does drugs. [ laughter ] but it's super funny. but also, it's very smart. the very funny chelsea handler is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] i like it. plus, he's one of the stars and creators of the hit show "portlandia." the hilarious fred armisen is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] two funny people. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: we love him. fred and i are playing a fun musical game later on. it's a talent that he never -- rarely shows on television. >> steve: really? >> jimmy: he's going to debut it tonight. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: it's very fantastic. and, of course, we have mario batali will be on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: one of the greatest chefs in the history of the world.
>> jimmy: yeah, love the guy. and for some reason, i've challenged him to a grilled cheese cook-off. [ cheers ] i don't know why i'm challenging mario batali to a a cook-off. so dumb, but questlove is going to be the judge. so yeah. [ applause ] can we get any tips? any tips on what grilled cheese -- do you enjoy a good grilled cheese? >> questlove: i do. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> questlove: it should be good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let me write that one down. >> steve: grill it, with cheese. >> jimmy: that's a good tip, right there. >> steve: don't do it cold. >> jimmy: i might do a little something fancy. >> jimmy: i don't know. we're not sure. or maybe i won't. you can just try to throw him off the trail. it. >> jimmy: i just don't want him to immediately just go with whatever mario does. >> steve: because watch what he does, you might be able to switch. >> jimmy: he's the type of dude, mario batali, you get the same ingredients and you end up with two totally -- if i make something and he makes something, it's unbelievable how different it is. >> steve: his will be a a thousand times -- >> jimmy: well, that's why he is who he is. it's like when you have an athlete on the show. and you go, "oh, throw a
and i was throwing it like -- [ laughter ] like, that's how i cook. i cook and i go -- >> steve: and you get scared. >> jimmy: mario batali -- yeah, he does -- >> steve: you get scared a lot, too. >> jimmy: he's a genius. we love that guy. guys, time to take a look at stories and weigh the good with the bad. it's time here we go. [ cheers and applause ] pros and cons and pros and cons and pros >> jimmy: tonight, we'll be taking a look at the pros and cons of buying the playboy mansion. [ laughter ] it just went up for sale, but with one catch. this is real. hugh hefner gets to stay there. did you hear this? [ light laughter ] if you buy it, he stays in the house. >> steve: he stays there? how long? >> jimmy: the playboy mansion. yeah, let's take a look at the pros and cons of buying the playboy mansion. here we go. pro, it was first erected in 1927. [ laughter ] >> steve: wait for it. [ drumroll ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: con, so was hugh hefner. there you go. [ cheers and applause ] a little history. >> steve: yes, know your history. >> jimmy: a little history lesson. pro, the kitchen includes grade a appliances. con, but with a little work, ds. [ laughter and applause ]
got their start at the playboy mansion. con, like syphilis, herpes, and gonorrhea. [ laughter and applause ] started from the bottom. now they're here. >> steve: now they're here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pro, presenting a a low-ball offer. con, or as hugh hefner calls that, flashing someone. >> steve: really? [ laughter and applause ] really? >> jimmy: a low-ball offer. >> steve: so there's a ballroom at the mansion? >> jimmy: pro, the front door features two new doorbells. con, and a pair of old knockers. [ laughter and applause ] very classic. >> steve: classy. >> jimmy: all the doors have them. >> steve: so, 100%, top shelf. >> jimmy: and finally, pro, throwing a house warming party and inviting all your friends. con, knowing it's the lamest party that's ever been thrown there. that's the pros and cons. thank you, everybody. we'll be right back with chelsea handler.
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a new four-part documentary series called "chelsea does." you can see it starting this saturday on netflix. please welcome back to the show our pal, chelsea handler. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on. hi. >> hi. >> jimmy: thank you for being here. you look great. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] got to make you feel good. >> oh, i forgot to go to the bathroom. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what do you mean? >> i went to go to the bathroom. they were like, come on stage. i was going like this to check if i have to pee, like a baby. [ light laughter ] hold on. >> jimmy: what's the verdict? we'll find out. >> no, i'm peeing. hold on. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: please don't. >> hold on. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't want to interrupt.
[ light laughter ] almost? >> okay. >> jimmy: you drank a lot of water. [ light laughter ] >> i missed you. isn't he the best host? [ cheers and applause ] you are. because you really are. >> jimmy: no. you're great. >> and i know this because i used to be a host. yeah, but i didn't want to talk to anybody. [ light laughter ] you know, you come and you're so enthusiastic. when people do these press tours, people get annoyed by talking to people and answering the same questions but you make it very fresh and new and you're very fun to be around. i want you to know that as a a host who has done this job with my eyes shut. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm doing it with my eyes open. >> you look like you really have your eyes wide open. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. very nice of you to say. we missed you. i miss seeing you on tv every single night. >> i'm coming back. i'm back this saturday. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know. so you took a year off, right? >> i took a sabbatical. like what an older person does.
when they can't stand people anymore. i learned a language, like an elderly person. i'm like, i'm going to learn a a language. i'm going to travel the world. i'm going to get certified for scuba diving. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you did? >> my sister is like, you know what you sound like right now? i'm like, whatever, i'm seeing the world. i know then i went to a detox spa in austria. people thought i went to rehab. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my gosh, no. >> my sister is like, are you in rehab? i was like, no, i would never quit. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're not a quitter. not a quitter. >> you think i would ever make that mistake that i would have to defriend alcohol? no, that's never on my list. >> jimmy: not going to happen. >> i had a lot of fun. i bought a house in a foreign country. i'm learning spanish. i'm actually learning it. i can't have a great conversation, but i could talk to you. >> jimmy: really? [ light laughter ] that's what i'm known for. hola.
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to learn a a language. i'm not sure which one i'm going to do. >> what about english? [ light laughter ] i'm making fun of him. you're really good at english. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. you really meant that. yeah. i watched these, because i would be scared if i didn't have this job. and what my next job would be if i didn't have this job. does that scare you at all when you didn't have e! behind you? >> not really. i mean -- you know, i just was like, i want to do something that i was really scared to do, because for me, i need to be stimulated all the time. i have such a.d.d., after doing that show for a long time, i'm so grateful i got that show, please. it gave me a huge life. but after a while, i just can't talk about this stuff anymore. i just can't. like i don't care. i want to be able to talk about sports and politics and sex and race and all the stuff that embodies us. >> jimmy: you can tell by watching this you are interested in these subjects. >> yeah.
i really enjoyed because you're not married. >> no, i know. >> jimmy: you don't want to be married. [ light laughter ] >> no, i have never been married. i think that's a victory. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i'm -- now that i'm 40, i'm like, okay, i could see getting married. no viable options at all, but now that i'm past the hump of people saying when are you going to get married? are you going to get married? >> jimmy: yeah. >> because i'm so rebellious. i'm like, i'm not going to marry anybody. now that nobody's asking me, i'm like, watch me get married. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm going to get married twice. i'll get remarried. >> i'll get married, get divorced, and then get married again. boo-yah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: boo-yah. that's great if you bring that back. [ light laughter ] i love that. you do this, the one on drugs. you just go. you're smoking with willie nelson, which i'm sure everyone would love to do. >> i was high for two days. [ light laughter ] i couldn't open one of my eyes. [ light laughter ] his weed, he has own line of
[ light laughter ] and you smoke weed with him and you're like, i honestly couldn't open my eyes the next day. i really still can't open my eye. and you're in a trailer with him, because that's where i think he lives in a trailer. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: did he think you were winking at him, hey, willie, i'm having a great time. wait, are you not having a good time? >> i don't even -- he's so stoned, he probably didn't even know i was there. [ laughter ] he really is. but he -- the worst part is i'm going to interview him. i'm supposed to be interviewing him and i'm talking to him. i didn't take into account i was going to be completely, you know, disabled. [ light laughter ] and so as we're talking, i'm like, "oh, my god." what am i going to say next? just keep talking. looking at him, and he's not a a big talker. >> jimmy: no. >> i was like, i hope he just keeps talking because i'm so stoned. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's so funny to watch. you have to check it out. you can watch all four. it's not as long as "making a a murderer." which by the way -- >> nothing is. >> jimmy: by the way, way too
way too long, yeah. but there's a thing, i'm going to pronounce it wrong, but -- >> ayahuasca. >> jimmy: thank you. >> ayahuasca. it's a plant drug you can do in the amazon. you can do it wherever. they have these shamans that do it. it's like a spiritual kind of like, awakening drug or transformative, like transcendent in certain ways. anyway -- >> jimmy: you drink it? >> you drink it. it's a tea. you do it with some guy who is yelling at you in spanish. [ light laughter ] he's got trees. if you're not focusing, he hits you on the head with trees. i'm like, i'm trying to get high, too. i want to get high. you're yelling at me. >> jimmy: hit you on the head with trees. >> so we went down to peru, and we did it. >> jimmy: it makes you sick, right? >> you vomit out of your mouth, and then out of -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, all right. yeah, yeah. no spoilers. [ light laughter ] but you started hallucinating and started thinking of memories and things like that. wow. you talk all this through.
watching you do this because i'm like, this is crazy. who else would do something like this? >> exactly. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it was gutsy and cool. >> and netflix paid for it. thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ] best job i ever had in my life. >> jimmy: educational, but gosh, is it funny. you're so funny. we have a clip. this is the "chelsea does." it's a clip where you're doing couples massage with a a stranger. [ light laughter ] just watch it. >> you say thank you to your partner. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> i'm going to demo what i want you to do. may i touch your arm? >> mm-hmm. >> you're going to just touch as lightly and as slowly, in a a way that allows you to pick up the most information that you can. [ light laughter ] so on a scale from 1 to 10, what does that feel like? >> a six. >> so then the question is,
>> what else do we have? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause ] our thanks to chelsea handler. "chelsea does" premieres this saturday on netflix. fred armisen joins me after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] our next item is a genuine "name your price" tool. this highly sought-after device from progressive can be yours for... twenty grand? -no! we are giving it away for just 3 easy payments of $4.99 plus tax! the lines are blowing up! we've got deborah from poughkeepsie. flo: yeah, no, it's flo. you guys realize anyone can use the "name your price" tool for free on progressive.com, right? [ laughing nervously ] [ pickles whines ] i know, it's like they're always on television.
everybody! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hi. >> hi. oh, hi. >> jimmy: hi. armisen, you're here, man. >> i'm here. hi. >> jimmy: this is what i'm talking about. fred armisen. >> hello. hi. [ british accents ] >> jimmy: now, how you doing? how you doing, mate? >> i'm doing all right. i love being in new york city. nice place. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's great place. >> it's really nice. >> jimmy: great people. people being nice to each other. loving what we're doing and enjoying being each other's company. [ laughter ] >> is that what you, love? yeah. it's too cold, right? [ laughter ] really cold. you need like a jacket. >> jimmy: no, i don't think so. i don't think we have to do it. if you don't want to wear a a jacket, don't. [ laughter ] >> cause you're inside. >> jimmy: right. >> right. >> jimmy: but if you're
wear a jacket. you do what you must, you know? >> right. you do what you need. >> jimmy: you do what you must. >> you do what you have to. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: keep going here. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do whatever you have to do. >> thank you. >> jimmy: do you remember when you started doing voices, and you could start doing different accents. >> yeah. >> jimmy: cause we used to play all the time when we we're on "snl." and you could do all the beatles. you're the only person i ever met where you could do all the beatles. [ british accent ] >> there's john. there's paul, you know. >> jimmy: wait, wait, paul's more, yeah, he's more bubbly. [ laughter ] >> you know, it's changing, too. it's changing a bit. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know? [ laughter ] you know? yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. of course, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: no, you the one who said it. >> you said it first. >> jimmy: yeah, you said it first. >> and ringo, peace and love. hello, ringo. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: different type of -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: cause they're all from liverpool. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but you know when you were a a kid. like, he's just like -- that was like the first, that was one of the first people i
i never realized that you could do all different -- i was like, oh, yeah. cause at one point everyone just said, "oh, the beatles, they all sound like that." >> yeah. but then there's it's like there's a fine way to do it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i've been working on accents. i'm an expert at accents. [ laughter ] and i have been working on the united states in general. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> so i've been doing the southern states, you know, like alabama and louisiana and texas. i can do any city. i can do any region, anywhere in the south now. so if you name a part of the south, i can do it. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. well, do louisiana. i'd love to hear that. [ louisiana accent ] >> louisiana. that's more here. louisiana, it's got a kinda rounded, it's got a kinda round, kinda something kinda regal about it. louisiana. >> jimmy: let me switch it up for you. arkansas. [ arkansas accent ] >> arkansas, that's got kind of a more percussive. [ laughter ] arkansas, kind of -- it's pulled back after the consonant. so arkansas. arkansas. [ applause ] thank you. they're very percussive. >> jimmy: based on it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: no. >> expert. just do the town. do the town. >> jimmy: based on anything. do a part of the town. >> do a part of the -- now, tennessee's got that,
tennessee got a thought. they're thinking about it. they're thinking about it. they're thinking. >> jimmy: stop saying they're thinking about it. >> they're thinking about it. louisiana's rounder. >> jimmy: no, no, yeah. [ laughter ] >> tennessee, they're thinking. louisiana. tennessee. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. these are all. >> they're thinking. >> jimmy: these are amazing. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: i want to -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now you can do all these places. >> yeah. i want to talk about, is it "mas mejor?" >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it? >> there's so much spanish tonight. this is great. >> jimmy: there's a lot of espanol, yeah. [ speaking spanish ] [ laughter ] [ speaking spanish ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all different
you're doing all different regions. >> anywhere in latin america. i can do it. >> jimmy: but what is "mas mejor?" it's a new type of comedy project you're doing. >> yeah, it's just a spanish language or latino-based comedy. >> jimmy: are you doing with it horatio sanz? is he involved at all. >> that's my business. that's a personal -- [ laughter ] like, you know. >> jimmy: you're on a talk show. you're on a talk show. >> yeah, but. >> jimmy: nothings -- >> yeah, but it's just me and you. >> jimmy: no, it's not. it's everybody here. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's eavesdropping. >> jimmy: that's eavesdropping. >> yes, they are. >> jimmy: that's right. they're eavesdropping a little bit. >> they are listening in. i don't mind but this is a a private conversation. >> jimmy: but i'm excited about this project. >> yeah. we're just, you know, we made a a couple videos, horatio and i. horatio sanz. let's give it up for horatio. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: no, i mean -- why am i being the worst talk show host ever. i don't know why i'm doing that. >> yeah. i know. you were just told that you we're the best.
i love you so i like to see where you're gonna go. >> i love you, too. i love you, too. >> jimmy: but you and horatio, of course. i love horatio. >> we made some videos and i'm also finding some comedians out there. i went to mexico city, which is a great place. >> jimmy: and you found some comedians over there? [ laughter ] no, okay, well, not really. >> no, i did. >> jimmy: we can cut all this. >> i really did. >> jimmy: we can cut all this out. let's go back. >> let's go back. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on the show. [ laughter ] thanks for being here, man. haven't seen you in a while. >> what's up, man. >> jimmy: haven't seen you in a a while. >> haven't seen you in a long time. you look good. >> jimmy: you look fantastic. >> how's the show going? >> jimmy: how you doing? >> you have some guests? yeah, i'm good. >> jimmy: how you doing, man? >> have you had a lot of guests? >> jimmy: hey, are you happy? [ laughter ] >> goods to see you man. you look good. >> jimmy: what's up, man. yeah, i look good? >> you look good. >> jimmy: thanks a lo >> you look pretty > >> are you happy? >> jimmy: what's that. >> are you h >> jimmy: you look good. "portlandia" is you're in the movie. and you got this show. >> jimmy something. >> what?
because you do have a lot of great things going on. "zoolander 2." >> that's right. >> jimmy: you got "mas mejor." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you have "portlandia." now this is, come on. now, what season are you guys in? >> season six. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: season six. unbelievable. carrie brownstein. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you guys are fantastic together. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i only got to see the first three episode it made me laugh. [ laughter ] i couldn't. i'm tired. you know i like to binge watch. come on, man. >> i have a real question for you. >> jimmy: yeah. >> when you watch things, how do you watch them? do you watch them on a laptop, on tv? how do you do it? >> jimmy: on television. yeah. i have a dvd. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: that your publicist or someone gives me. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: your manager. what's your manager's name again? corky. >> david mckinley smith dr. zayes jr. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a long name. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you've been working with him for years. >> he is lovely. >> jimmy: yeah. he's a great guy. >> he's 91. >> jimmy: 91. not really in the entertainment business. >> not in the entertainment business. sweet as can be. >> jimmy: yeah.
why would you hired him to be your manager? >> because he brought me to health. >> jimmy: doesn't matter. >> he brought me to health. >> jimmy: he brought me to health. >> he helped me. he fed me -- >> jimmy: he fed you through a a bird feeder. >> baby food. >> jimmy: baby bird feeder. >> baby bird feeder. i was a baby and a became an adult because of my pediatrician. who's now my manager. >> jimmy: he's 91, happy birthday. [ cheers and applause ] happy birthday, david. i hope he's having a great one. no, he's upstairs? he's upstairs. happy birthday, david. [ laughter ] he's upstairs watching the show. why wouldn't he come down. why wouldn't he come down and watch the show? he's up there. he wouldn't come down the stairs and watch. >> no, because it's his birthday. >> jimmy: happy birthday, david. >> it's his birthday. >> jimmy: yeah. that's for you, david. >> we got him cake. he's upstairs. got a beautiful cake. a mushy cake. >> jimmy: that's his favorite cake, mushy. anyways, "portlandia," oh, gosh. [ laughter ] it's on ifc. it's really super duper, unbelievably funny. all sorts of different fun sketches. >> that's right.
about it, was there's one where you go to a concert, in virtual reality. >> yeah. >> jimmy: a drone goes in your place to the concert. and it really, it's groundbreaking, different, and fun. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and i just love it. i want to show a clip. >> this is a clip, i learned sign language. we did a whole sketch in sign language, american sign language. >> jimmy: oh, that's great. >> so i took these classes. >> jimmy: you actually did learned sign language? >> yeah, and this sketch is about i'm looking for my charger. you know that thing when you buy a charger and it just gets lost in the mix of everywhere. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, i'm looking for my charger. >> jimmy: there you go. here's a clip of fred doing sign language on the show. "portlandia," here we go.
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players. we'll show you what one company is doing to help reduce injury for athletes. and getting your finances on the right track for the new year can be hard. we'll give you some tips to make 20-16 your best financial year. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's amazing. i'm hanging out with the one and only fred armisen, you guys. "portlandia" debuts this week. fred, you are such a talented guy. you can sing, you do voices, you can cook spaghetti. but what would you say is your greatest talent? >> i would say that my greatest
lyrics, i can interpret them exactly. >> jimmy: this is what you want to show everyone tonight. you can interpret the lyrics to any song. even a made-up song? >> any song. >> jimmy: any song? >> any song. >> jimmy: any song? >> any song. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know what that means, it's time for "tonight show" instant song analysis. [ cheers and applause ] tonight show instant song analysis [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so here's how this works. i'm going to start singing a a short made up song, and you're going to give me a a critical interpretation of the lyrics to my song. sound good? >> okay, yes. >> jimmy: here we go. boy meets girl they fall in love they buy a house then they buy a horse and that's when things get tricky [ cheers and applause ] >> that is -- that's beautiful.
right? we're all thinking, wow, house, horse, why did he put those lyrics in? why those words? you think, oh, it's cause they're "h" words. it's not as simple as that. [ laughter ] because to some people, a house is a horse. you know what i mean? there are people who -- >> jimmy: like "the revenant" or something? [ laughter ] >> something like that. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but think of the word horse. i think what you're saying is you think of it as an, you know, an acronym, horse. you know, the beginning. so it'd be like, "hey, over, really?" [ laughter ] so, everybody. >> jimmy: so, you thought i meant, hey, over, really, so, everybody. >> everybody. so that's like you know when you say that when you're in front of your house? it's that kind of thing. >> jimmy: that's 100% correct. >> yes, yeah. [ ding ] >> jimmy: that's correct. that is good. [ cheers and applause ] would you like to try?
and i'll try to see if i have the same talent that you have. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'll try to interpret the lyrics. >> check, check. this is not part of the song. check, check, check, check. >> jimmy: is it really not part of the song? cue two cue two [ laughter ] there were 23 cousins 23 cousins and all of them had a crew cut a crew cut and the daisies they fall like rain like grain [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. wow. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i do know this. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: this is what i think you mean by this. it was a family reunion. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and one of the
hair cutting business, like a a supercuts. >> this is great, yeah. >> jimmy: and they said, "well, what styles can you do, jasper?" [ laughter ] and i know you didn't get up to those lyrics yet but and he said, "i can do a crew cut, i guess." [ laughter ] and they go, "show it to me." and he did it. that was so cool. so second cousin came up. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he said, "what styles can you do, jasper?" "i can do a crew cut." and he did it. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: and he's so cool. >> yeah. >> jimmy: then the third cousin -- [ laughter ] [ ding ] >> jimmy: thank you. >> that's exactly right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: if it was raining, it'd be not good. i got the first half of the song right. i got the first half. >> you go it so right. you have a real talent for this. >> jimmy: no. let me try because i didn't get it as good as you did. >> okay. >> jimmy: let me try one more. if i can do one more. if i hear a duck quack, that means we can. [ quacking ] >> yes! >> jimmy: perfect, all right, good.
then -- here we go. [ clears throat ] there's a little boy threw a coin in the fountain there's a little boy and he lives in the mountain there's a little boy he's says he likes counting one two three four five [ cheers and applause ] >> i know what this is. >> jimmy: you do, yeah. >> is the little boy warren beatty? [ laughter ] is it? okay. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. you see where i am already. >> yeah. and i'm seeing the coin, round, it's like a film canister. those are his films. so he's getting the film, and it's a fountain. a fountain. the fountain in l.a. that's like a street there. so he's in hollywood. he's giving it to the studio. ah, he wants it transfers to dvd. he wants his films transferred to dvd. am i -- i don't know if i'm right? >> jimmy: yes! you're exactly right. 100% correct. [ cheers and applause ] you have got an unbelievable talent. unbelievable talent. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you very much. that's all the time we have for instant song analysis. >> jimmy: fred armisen, the new
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we are joined right now by one of the best chefs in the world. he's a multiple james beard award winner, best-selling author. just last week, he opened mario by mary at the pennsy food hall here in new york city. please welcome our pal, mario batali. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: mario by mary. how are you? good. good to see you, brother. you know i love you. you know fred armisen. >> fred: how are you? >> i know fred armisen. we're all friends. >> jimmy: pal, i've gotta ask, what is pennsy by penn station? what is this thing? >> pennsy is a food hall created inside the pennsylvania station area. by michael coronado, with my crazy friends mary and ryan juliani. we set up this cool mario by mary catering thing in the middle of it. there's pat lafrieda, there's cinnamon snail. there's all kinds -- there's mark forgione, there's a place called little beet. delicious food. >> jimmy: what do you do there in mario by mary? you do what? >> you can eat and drink. [ cheers and applause ]
right now. >> okay. >> jimmy: fred, you're going to make us a drink? >> fred's going to make us a a drink. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> which is basically tomato soup, because it's so cold out. and we're going to go like this. i took a little anyalote of this and to some of these soups, i've added the addition of vodka. because tomato and vodka have gone together -- >> perfectly. >> like the bible and christianity. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. now, buddy, we are doing -- what do you call it? let's do -- we're doing a a grilled cheese off, okay? >> yes. >> jimmy: now, here's -- what is your secret ingredient? i'll tell you mine. >> my secret ingredient is black truffles, my friend. they're going to make me a a winner. how about you, jimmy? what's yours? >> jimmy: mine is wonder bread. [ light laughter ] american cheese, bacon crumbles, and maple syrup in the butter when you cook it. see, that's the reaction you want. [ light laughter ] see, you got the thing, the truffle. >> that's the reaction you get from a bunch of people who think jimmy fallon is running the show right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not true. i can't even get this cheese out of here. >> if they really knew that
a little bit of fontina and a a little bit of gruyere on top of black truffles. black truffle honey on a a grilled cheese sandwich. [ cheers and applause ] on magnificent sourdough bread made by an artisan. this is a sandwich that would make all those crazy people in "portlandia" happy. >> jimmy: fred, which one would you go with? do you know? would you go with mine or marios? just say mine. [ light laughter ] >> fred: you want me to say yours? >> jimmy: yes, please. >> fred: how about both of them? i would do half and half. >> jimmy: thanks, fred. >> a wise, wise man. >> jimmy: i'm gonna put a a little -- i'm telling you, quest is going to freak for this. >> quest is going to freak? the sweetness component in yours is? >> jimmy: is maple. >> maple syrup. >> jimmy: yeah. >> like from the diner? [ light laughter ] where we got that bacon, right? >> jimmy: no, from the great trees of vermont. >> all right. mine is a honey made from live bees, participants in the live agriculture. >> jimmy: mine is from a human being -- >> you're not putting any butter on that? >> jimmy: sucked the sap out of -- i did put butter on it. what are you doing? don't freak me out. all right look. hold on. >> your cheese is melting. because, you know why? it has an artificially low temperature because it's not
don't you find that to be a a problem, sir? >> jimmy: i find it to be delicious, my friend. >> american cheese -- >> jimmy: delicious. >> it's as close to cheese as my head is to this. >> jimmy: crumble mcgee, there we go. stick around, we'll see who the winner is on "the tonight show" grilled cheese cook-off when we come back. [ cheers and applause ]
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: judges, all right. we're back with the one and only mario batali, everybody. look at his new place right here. [ cheers and applause ] "mario by mary." now, this is a moment of truth to see who the winner of "the tonight show" grilled cheese cook-off is. questlove, do you want to have the blindfold on when you've having the bite or off? >> questlove: keep it off. keep it on. >> jimmy: keep it on. >> questlove: keep it on. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> that's right. you're worried about my superior presentation crushing you. >> jimmy: no, no. it's good. it's going to be great. [ light laughter ] questlove, you want the have first one? yeah, i'll hold this one. yeah. so you can't hear anything. here we go. now, i want to -- here's the first -- i'll give you the sandwich. ready? >> questlove: okay. >> jimmy: all right. here you go. >> with the sandwich, you have to give him that soup you made, right?
he'll have the soup. here's the sandwich. hot. >> questlove: okay. >> take a bite of that. >> jimmy: take a bite of that guy. got some juiciness in there. >> and here's this. >> questlove: sweet. okay. >> it's a little drop of honey on that i'm guessing that jimmy put on, right? >> jimmy: yeah. i guess that maybe mario put some on. >> and that's the tomato soup that goes with the agnolotti. >> questlove: okay. >> that goes with it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> questlove: i like this. >> jimmy: yeah, it's pretty good. >> questlove: it's dope. >> jimmy: yeah, it's good thanks. yeah. could go either way. >> take the soup back and we'll bring that back to you when you have it after the sandwich. >> jimmy: take a bite of that. yeah. get a load of that guy. >> questlove: okay. >> jimmy: yeah, talk to me. [ laughter ] going
for another bite, maybe. >> questlove: there's bacon in here. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: there's definitely bacon in there. >> right from the diner. >> jimmy: a little milk in there, too. >> cheese. [ laughter ] >> questlove: oh, okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, something
yeah. >> two bites. impressive, pal. >> questlove: i think -- [ laughter ] no, man. i think i like this one. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the winner! that
was mine. >> questlove: oh, i'm sorry, mario. [ laughter ] >> some people like american cheese. it's okay. >> questlove: this happened last time with martha stewart. >> jimmy: i put maple syrup butter on that. >> questlove: you know me well. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: my thanks to chelsea handler, fred armisen, mario batali. [ cheers and applause ] he's my main dude, right there. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow, everybody. thank you to questlove. thank you, fred. i love you, mario.