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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  December 29, 2015 10:34pm-11:37pm CST

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>> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests, mark wahlberg,
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musical guest, sheryl crow, and featuring the legendary roots ew. >> questlove: 388! whoo! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hi. oh, hi. hey! hello, everybody. welcome. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. you're here. thank you for being here. [ cheers and applause ] i'm your host, jimmy fallon, ananlet me be the first t say what month is it?
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what does it feel like outside? they're saying that this could be one of the warmest christmases in 30 years, with temperatures expected totay in the 60s a a 70s throughout the holidays. yeah. of course, without the snow and cold weather, a lot of people on the east coast are now being forced to change some of tir usual holiday traditions. like, for example, last christmas, people left out milk and cookies for santa. this christmas, people leave out a cool rag and a stick of mitchum deodorant. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: mitchum's the ---- >> steve: mitchum. >> jimmy: that's the good stuff. >> steve: that's what santa wears. >> jimmy: you don't want to >> steve: yeah, he does not like -- >> jimmy: you get mitchum, yeah. last christmas, santa made a list of who's naughty or nice. this christmas, santa made a a list of who has central air and who doesngt. [ laughter and applause ] it works. it works. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: finally, last christmas, you went to an ugly sweater partrt this christmas, you're going to an ugly, sweaty party. [ laughter ] you see what i'm saying? you see the difference? [ applause ] either way, it should be a fun holiday season. let's get to some news here.
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of course, it's the election. i saw that a new poll found that hillary clinton is now increasing her lead over bernie sanders. experts say bernie would need something major to regain people's attention. then berniniwas like, "all right, leak the sex tape. [ laughter and applause ] do it. just the first five minutes." [ laughter ] >> steve: feel the bern. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: did you guys see this? ahead of tonight's republican debate over on cnn, donald trump's doctor released his medical records. and get this. he said that trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. which explains how trump got so good at ruining a party. [ laughter and applause ] "no, thank you. no." seems like everybody's going after trump. in fact, a saudi prince criticized trump on twitter, and trump responded by saying that the prince is trying to control u.s. politicic"with daddy's money."
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unlike trump, who started out scraping by like this. >> my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: "kind of lent me some money. no big deal. he flipped me a million dollars. whatever. he said, ' 'n't worry about paying me back. i don't care.'" meanwhile, newt gingrich spoke about donald trump's lead in the polls and called trumphe candidate who can kick down the doors s the establishment.. yeah. and he called chris christie the candidate who can burst through the wall like the kool-aid man. oh, yeah! oh, yeah! i saw that -- i saw that "sports illustrated" named serena williams its 2015 sportspern of the year. that's pretty nice. [ cheers and applause ] she's amazing. serena williams. when i heard that, i was like, "what's a sportsperson? [ light lauguger ] can't they just say athlete of the year?"
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trying to describe a football team. "i see the squad of sportspersons has entered the cafeteria. it's time for me to leave." this is cool. the first trailer for "star trek: beyond" -- "star trek: beyond", was released today. and some fans are actually criticizing it for being too acacon-packed. because if you like "star trek", you like your action slow and weird. [ laughterernd applause ] >> jimmy: finally, thihiis going viral. a man who works at a gym in arizona was told that a urinal in the men's room was broken. sol he walks in just to check it out. ok at what he saw when he walked in the bathroom. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: meanwhilil the guy in
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"what's going on out there, you guys? are you okay, man?" we have a great show, everybody. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi. welcome to the show. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: it looks so festive here. >> steve: ok how beautiful th looks. >> jimmy: you know, i want to say sosothing i forgot to sasa sometimes you want to thank people, then you forget to thank them. but, i want to thank -- well, all the tourists for coming to new york city. and all the people that come. i know it's e holiday season, but you walk in the streets. t, it's nice. it puts you in a good mood and a good spirit. but also, the nypd and the new york fire department for keeping us safe. [ cheers and applause ] and just -- times square is like two blocks away. ere was like 10,000 people here the other day for the tree lighting. it was just great, and they just did a great job. >> steve: it was perfect. >> jimmy: mayor de blasio,
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[ cheers and applause ] thank you for cocong to our city. i appreciate it. guys, welcome to "the tonight show." we have a great week of shows ahead. will ferrell will be here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: bruce springsteen will be here. [ cheers and applause ] bruce. he's got the new river box set. channing tatum will be joining us as well. [ cheers and appuse ] channing and i are going to play a game of egg r rsian roulette. yeah, be sure to tune in for that. plus, we're gonna have performances from twenty-one pilots and cis stapleton, who is fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] but first, tonight, we love it when he stops by. he stars opposite will ferrell in the hilarious new movie "daddy's home." mark wahlberg is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: looks goodod did you see the trailer for it? like, mark is the -- >> steve: he's the stepdad, right? >> jimmy: no, i think will's the stepdad. he's the nicest. hehe like mr. nice guy, , d then the real dad comes back and wants to rekindle his relationship. mark wahlberg, mr. cool. he's on a motorcycle.
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[ light laughter ] anyways, mark anani are going head to head in a random object football toss. yeah, he's going to be -- [ applause ] plus, this guy. man, i've seen this guy, we used to do standndp together back in the -- we'll talk about it when i talk to him out here. one point, we won a contest, or i won a contest where we got a a manager as our prize. [ laughter ] >> steve: that was the prize? >> jimmy: it was me, bill burr, and patrice o'neal got the same manager. and we won a manager. yeah, so it was like, "wait, are weweool with this?" it was like, odd, but anyway, it's just great to see. he's like the biggest comedian now in the world and he's all over netflixn he's so funny. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: i love him. heheas a new animated series on netflix called "f is for family." [ light laughter ] the very funny bill burr is dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] oh, and do we have music for you tonight. this is fantastic.
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as well as the rest of the roots. but this weekend is the john lennon 75th birthday concnct. a lot of great names will be there. one of them is here tonight. she is one of my all-time favorites. performing the beatles classic "revolution," the electric crazy version, sheryl crow is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] sheryl crow! [ cheers and applause ] asasou guys know, "star wars: the force awakens" comes out this week. and we are big fans of "star wars" here at "the tonight show." so we had this fun idea, and it involved the roots andhe music for "star wars." composer john williams and we asked him if we could do something special with it. normally, he says, "no." so he didn't return our calls. [ light laughter ] but someone from his camp did. and they said, "yeah, sure. so we're so honored to be able to do this. hereres me, the roots, andndome
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"star wars." enjoy.
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[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on, that was so good! >> steve: keep that up. >> jimmy: oh, man. roots, great job. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: my thanks to the cast of "star wars: the force awakens." [ cheers and applause ] guys, we have exextly four shows left before weweo on christmas break, which means it's time for that beloved "tonight show" tradition. it's time for 12 days of christmas sweaters.
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[ cheers and applause ] 12 days of christmas sweaters ur days left >> jimmy: that is right. every show between now and lucky audience member a from the countdown to christmas cabinet. left, let's open door number four. [ drumroll ] oh. [ cheers and applause ] green, rare. look at that. extra ball. extra ball for you. the rare green santa. very rare. green santa. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: now let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater. everyone, look at your seat number. if i call your number, i need you to jump up, let me know where you are.
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number. quest, can i get@a drumroll please? [ drumroll ] who wants me to pick their number? everybody good? [ cheers and applause ] it's a good sweater! [ cheers and applause ] it's got shoulder pads! 224, hey! [ cheers and applause ] come on over. hey. hi. hey! >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: that's fororou. hold that. >> okay. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> lynn. >> jimmy: lynn. where are you from, lynn? >> i'm from philadelphia, pennsylvania. >> jimmy: philly? [ cheers and applause ] oh, my gosh. philly in ththhouse. well, , ank you so much. you don't have anything like this, do you? >> no, i don't. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this is really -- do you want to try it on? do you want to try it? because it getu cold in philly every now and then. you can hold this. how w e you doing, buddy? this is fantastic.
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>> jimmy: yeah, this is great. let me put this over your head. head first. there you go. >> steve: awesome. >> jimmy: so subtle. you can walk aroununphilly. >> that's so warm. >> jimmy: yeah. you're gonna walk -- look at this. oh, my gosh. does that not look fantastic? [ cheers and applause ] look at how cute. oh, my gosh. fantastic. thank you, buddy. thank you so m mh. i appreciate it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: congratulations. please, come on.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. quickly, i just wanted to thank our editors john mcdonald, chris tartaro, dan opsal for doing that "star wars" thing. lawrence manchester, who mixed it. because we -- it took us a long time to put that together. the roots, i want to thank you as well, but i mean -- i didn't know what -- [ applause ] i didn't really know what i was doing.
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to -- piece by piece. i'm going like -- like, i'm just trusting it was going to turn into something. i don't know how you're going to make this into anything, and they just made it into like, a a whole orchestration, and gosh, i'm just so proud of that. so thanknkagain to those guys. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an acemy award-nominated actor who stars opposite will ferrell in the new movie "daddy's home," which is in theaters december 25th. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome mark wahlberg. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: mark wahlberg! hey, good to see you, buddy. >> how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing great. i want to talk about the movie because gosh, it's so funny. it's good to see you and will ferrell back in. it's opening up christmas day. >> yeah.
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at a a? well, the nerve-racking thing is trying to get all the gifts put together in time. i have four angry kids standing over tre waiting for their toys to be put together. >> jimmy: how old are your kids now? >> 12, 9, 7, and 5. >> jimmy: : w. so they knkn about christmas and santa? >> oh, yeah. oh yeah. they're already up, you know. they can't sleep. anxiety, crazy. >> jimmy: you have to put everything together? >> put everything together at night, like, you know, stuff that's got to be put together the night before. so i'm laying on the floor, you know, trying to put together bikes and all that. >> jimmy: don't you like spect -- yeah, i know, but yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, helping santa. you're helping santa, yeye. i gotta say, i don't know why -- there's always paparazzi following you around, buddy. i apologize for that. it has nothing to do with me. but this is you on the sideline of your kid's flag football game. [ lahter ] and i don't want to promote getting pictures like this of you, but this is a -- how old is your child? >> he's nine. >> jimmy: nine, yeah. [ laughter ] >> i have a tendency to get a >> jimmy: yeah. >> -- involved. >> jimmy: yeah.
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i mean. >> that's going to be a a touchdown right there. >> jimmy: that's a touchdown right there, yeah. >> that looks like six right there. >> jimmy: yeah. do the other parents get as involved as you get? >> no. [ laughter ] my wife automatically goes to the other end of the field. she's like, "i don'tant to know you for the next 60 minutes." but i can't help it. i get excited. and i don't want to get excited because it like, ruins my appetite. it's like watching the patriots in the super bowl. >> jimmy: ah. you're just going, "oh, god." and it's flag football. >> yes. >> jimmy: it's just kids running around playiyi. >> no, it's bigger than that. >> jimmy: does your son say anything to you? does he like it or not? >> oh my god, he's just used to it now. you know? he used to say, "dad, shut up. [ laughter ] promise you're not going to say anything this game." i'm like, "nope, i'm good." i sit there, and then of course -- i just can't help it. you know, i get so crazy. >> jimmy: you get so excited. >> pete bird, you know pete bird? >> jimmy: yeah, i love him. >> he's always saying, "you're going to get into a fight." >> jimmy: no. >> at the football game? i said, "why would i get into a a fight at my son's football game?" he sd, "you're going to get into a fight.
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something." god. >> jimmy: but you get that into it? >> i get pretty crazy, yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, but -- 'cause you always play it super cool. like, you're mr. cool in my head. i see you do things. i i , "oh, that's nothininto mark wahlberg. he's like, whateve like you hosted a thing, you were hanging out with the pope when he was >> yeah. >> jmy: he hung out wit like, five people. >> hosted the pope in philadelphia. >> jimmy: yeah, y out with the pop and you're like, "yeah, cool. i don't care, cool. i'll hang out with the pope." >> he didn't know w >> jimmy: oh, come on. >> it's true. >> jimmy: that's not true. it is. he hasn't watched television sikce like 1980. [ laughter ] i mean, you don't t to become the e pe by sitting aroundnd watching television. >> jimmy: yeah. but was it -- was it amazing? i mean, because you were in philly -- >> it was fantastic. yeah, we hosted the feival of families. i was nervous, because normally, i don't lili the hosting thing.g. i don't have the talent that you have. >> jimmy: thank you. >> so i was like, really worried. then i had to like, pronounce all these people's names, because all these amazing families, they come from six different countries. and it wasasust a lot of responsibility. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but i felt like, you know what?
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more active in doing things in the community and the church and all that stuff, so i said i'm going. >> jimmy: well, maybe the popepe will check out "daddy's home" when it comes out christmas day. [ cheers and applause ] >> he can watch "daddy's home." >> jimmy: christmas day, the pope, what is he doing? >> he can watch "daddy's home." >> jimmy: christmas day y the perfect day for the pope to go to the movies. it's like, look, just take two hours out of your time and just go to the movies. just try to enjoy yourself. >> not even, it's only 90 minutes. >> jimmy: it's only 90 minutes. that's it. >> an hour and a half. >> jimmy pope, you can do this. reunited. do you want to all, what the movie's about? >> yeah. he's now married to my ex-wife and the step-father of my kids. so i decide, you know, i'm going to g gback and i'm going to reclaim what's mine, i'm going to win my family back over. and of course, we just go at it, and craziness ensues. >> jim: well, i loved you. what was the one you did, "the other guys"? >> "the other guys," yeah.h. >> jimmy: gosh, that made me laugh so hard. so i'm happy to see you guys back together. this is a scene here where you're both passive-aggressively trying to compete on who is better putting the kids to bed. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah.
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and will ferrell in "daddy's home." take a look at this. >> it's getting late. you two n time. >> no, we want s >> hey, i'd love to be in here all night, but let's be respectful o obrad's rules no matter how arbitrary they seem, all right? good night, my little golden treasure. >> good night, my little magical cherubs. he comes the butterfly kisses. >> eskimo kisses. >> who wants good night tickles? >> me. >> good night. >> i almost forgot. my famous good night back scratches. oh, so relaxing. relaxing. good night, , eetie bear. >> hey, who wants 20 bucks? >> i do! >> me! >> $20? >> what? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: if you go to sleep, 20 bucks. come on, who wants that? >> right t tthe 20 bucks. that's what i do with my own kids. >> jimmy: i think that's the best. we also got the director of the film, took a video of you, this is just off camera, not in the scenen i think you're on the basketball court. and i don't know why, but you have a football. do you know what i'm about to show? >> basketball -- yeah, throwing
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>> jimmy: this is unbelievable. this is anotheheexample of how you're mr. cool. watch how mr. cool -- seriously, you're going to freak out. because i would be jumping up and down. this is a full-court toss, a a football toss. totally real, mark wahlberg. watch this, throwiwi a football into a basketball -- watch. throwing it there. yeah, no big deal. what's up? don't hit the roof. you don't. and then -- swish! and then you're like -- [ cheers and applause ] "what's up. yeahahwhat's up? what's up? i do that every day." >> i got to put that on my resume now. that one part where they say extra talent. >> jimmy: : ah. we got to put that on youtube or something so everybody can see it, or go to our website, because that's just amazing. have you done that before? >> have you seen what the guys on tv do now? those amazing guys? >> jimmy: : ah, yeah, but that's h he, doing that. it's cool. i didn't know you could do that. that's what they do for a a living. you're like, "oh yeah, i'll try it." they get paid doing that? >> jimmy: i don't know. do they? maybe. either way, we should -- they probably don't, no. but i don't know why i'm doing this.
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a random object football toss. m probably going to lose after seeing that. would you like to play against me? >> yeah, sure, absolutely. >> jimmy: fantastic. mark wahlberg and i. "daddy's home," christmas day. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs each for just thirty bucks a line. that's right- six gigs each plus all the video streaming you want with binge on. just thirty bucks per line.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. i'm here with the one and only mark wahlberg. [ cheers and applause ] his new movie "daddy's home" comes out december 25th. we're about to go head-to-head in a random objects football toss. [ cheers ] okay, now we're going to take turns trying to complete passes of random objects into that target right there. each objececis worth one point.. the last object, the moneyball, is worth two. high score wins. let's take a look at what we're shooting. first, we have a dancing santa
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[ laughter and applause ] not bad. next, we have a football made out of play-doh. [ laughter ] over here, we have a t tgled ball of christsts lights. we have a large chocolate milkshake from wahlberger's, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] that's good stuff right there. and the moneneall, worth two points. a decorated gingerbread house, right there. [ cheers and applause ] all right, now everybody, here we go. mark, you're our guest. why don't you go first? we'll just probably throw from this line right here. roots, can we get a little football toss music or random objectctoss music? >> get him -- his legs closed. >> jimmy: yeah, you get him -- >> get his legs closed. got a better chance. >> jimmy: there's no winning. there's no skill to this, like you've done this before. yeah, get his lele close. >> i don't even let my kids beat me in sports. you ready? >> jimmy: yeah, here we go, buddy.
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>> jimmy: no, you're going to that hole over there. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. all right. i get usually one finger up and in santa's butt. [ audience oohs ] >> that was close. >> jimmy: there you go. you can take that off if you want to, yeah. thank you, bud. play-doh. play-doh football.l. [ laughter ] >> gosh. over my shoulder. >> jimmy: hefty. >> o there's a football l there. >> jimmy: i didn't know that either. there's a football in there. [ light laughter ] >> nice. come on. [ thud ] [ audience oohs ] close. i mean yououe pretty accurate. >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. i'm getting close. i appreciate the good sportsmanship.
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[ audience oohs ] again. [ cheers and applause ] nice. drop. two-step drop. [ thud ] [ audience oohs ] >> jimmy: keep hitting his face. i don't like his face. he bullied me in high school, that guyuy so i don't like his face. all right, wahlberger's milkshake. a delicious milkshake. chocolate milkshake. >> we could give this toacho to drink. >> jimmy: yeah. [ thud ] [ audidice oohs ] sorry. >> that's all right. >> jimmy: sorry about that. i apologize. >> no, no. don't worry. thank you. come on. [ cheers ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tie. >> tieie i think that's the first time you did something. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i felt good about that one. re we go. thiss the moneyball, it' worth two pointsts [ cheers ] >> all right. all right, come on.
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[ audience oohs ] >> jimmy: or it could end in a a tie. here we go. >> come on. [ chchrs and applause ] [ drumroll ] >> jimmy: it's a tie. i'll give you the win. mark wahlberg. "daddy's home" is in theaters december 25th. bill burr joins us after the break. stick around, everybody.
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is the economy rigged? well, the 15 richest americans acquired more wealth in two years than the bottom 100 million people combined.
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my plan -- make wall street banks and the ultra-rich pay their fair share of taxes, provide living wages for working people, ensure equal pay for women. the middle class will continue to disappear unless we level the playing field. with your help, as president, we will. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. back in november, our next guest sold out madison square garden. wow. now he's written, produced and stars in the new netflix animated series, "f is for mily," which premieres this friday, december 18th. please welcoco the hilarious bill burr, ladies and gentlemen.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> how are you? >> jimmy: it is so great to see you. good to see you. >> jimmy: do you remember when we had the same manager at one point? >> yes, we did. early on. >> jimmy: gosh, look at you now. you did madison square garden. >> yes i did. >> jimmy: it doesn't get much bigger than that. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: doesn't get bigger than that. what was that like? walk me through that day. madison square garden. you're there in the afternoon. did you sound check? >> yeah, it was s rrifying. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was terrifying. there was no way to justify. i was trying to think what joke i had in my act to justify somebody, like, sitting all the way up in the upper deck. you know? you're like this big. obama?" and it's going up there. it just didn't seem right. so, i was nervous, you know, about doing the gig. there? >> i don't know. i i ink like, 2:00 in the afternoon. >> jimmy: yeah. towards. basically, we rented the thing out for the day. so you spend all this money.
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sitting there. i play drums as a hobby. i suck, but in my head i think i'm good. so we just rented a drum kit, some amps, and me and my friends went in there, and we ke, jammed in an emply madison square garden while they were setting up the chairs. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, it was great. >> jimmy: that's what i would do. >> played "dr. feelgood." "war pigs," all this arena rock. we suck, but it sounded awesome to us.s. >> jimmy: no, , made you play me a song backstage. you played "war pigs" and you sounded good. ozzy would be proud, yeah. but you just got together with other comedians and go, "let's just jam out. i have the garden." i didn't know w u could do that. >> i didn't know you could do it either. i just asked. i'd be like, "is it all right if we do that?" they're like, "yeah, no problem." d then we went, we did the show and thehei felt relaxed. and joe derosa opened for me. >> jimmy: joe derosa. >> and he wore this old lady like, "golden girls" sweater, and like, nobody heckled him. and it annoyed me. so i went onstage, i just trashed him. and i felt likiki was in a a comedy club, and then it all went great. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah.
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square garden like it was a a club? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> i couldn't see them, so it was fun. >immy: by the way, you're in "daddy's home," which i forgot to mention because mark wahlberg was just here, and you're in the end of "daddy's home." >> ys, i am. >> jimmy: and you guys -- >> white guy dancing. always funny. >> jimmy: white guy dancing. [ laughter ] >> or attempting. attempting. >> jimmy: attempting to dance. why not? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: do you know mark at alt? did you get to -- did you guys -- from the boston scene all? >> no, i only met him through doing the movie. i got to meet him briefly. but what's funny is living on the west coast now, if you just -- i always say i'm from boston. because if i say i'm from canton, people go, "ohio?" en i got to go, "no, massachusetts." and just that little extra thing like, slowly kills me that i have to have that back and forth. >> jimmy: that drives you azy? >> yeah. so i just say i'm from boston. jimmy: you are a troubled, troubled human being. >> yeah. i'm a loner, man. i don't like people. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's not lying. ^> i don't. i don't. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. >> this fifth avenue durg christmas time, the thoughts that go through my head. [ laughter ]
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head. i just want to chop that tree down and watch it land on people as i walk over their heads. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no! it's'she holiday season. >> i know. >> jimmy: no. you knew i wasn't going to stick to that. >> jimmy: i know. >> i was trying to be happy. i was trying to be happy. i was trying. we tried. >> jimmy: we tried. >> oh, you play drums. that was f f, wasn't it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it went right in the tank. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> right in the tank. i got to trash people or it doesn't work. >> jimmy: doesn't feel right to you. >> you know who i feel b b for right now? mcdonald's. i feel bad for them. >> jimmy: why would you -- >> because they back pedaled. they allowed fat people to blame them, and it's just over. the second they made the salad, [ laughter ] it was over. they said, "you know what? it's our fault. it's our fault. it's our fault you're fat." it isn't. everybody knows it's fattening. you don't order 50 sandwiches, right? but they're a a siness. to give it to you. that's not their fault. >> jimmy: and you think that that's it right there. once they invented the salad, they -- they admit it. >> mcdonald's is -- it's for kids and for when you get
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that's what it is. you go in there. [ cheers and applause ] you get the bread in you. that's what it's for. >> jimmy: that's what it's for. thank you. >> that's what it's for. >> jimmy: bill, how did you -- >ou just don't want to get a a salad at mcdonald's. you want to eat healthy tonight, jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah? just go to mcdonald's. [ laughter ] they don't know who they are anymore. it's sad. they've lost their i intity. >immy: you feel sad. >> i did. >> jimmy: yeah, well, hopefully -- >> it's like watching a a comedian apologize to a a blogger.@ it's like, why would you do that? it's one person in the crowd who sasaup late night with their feelings hurt, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> some melted butterfingers on their chest, just sitting there typing away. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: eating butterfingers. >> they act like they won a a peabody award and they write for the "times." crowd. >> jimmy: no, you can't cater to those guys. >> jimmy: no. do. look at ac/dc. you know? they made the same song. they sing about their balls, the devil and women. that's it. [ laughter ] and they never veered from that.
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jefferson airplane. '80s." then they became jefferson starship, and then starship. and people are like, "i don't know who this is." >> jimmy: yeah. no, you got to sti@k to what you know. >> what are you going to do? you're singing at mcdonald's. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i don't know how i'm going to segue way into your netflix series, but i tried. >> i'm sorry. i know. i knew the s sond i saw the christmas lights, i was like, "i'm going to bomb." [ laughter ] i'm going to bomb. >> jimmy: you're not bombing. >> this is not my vibe. >> jimmy: no, this is festive. this is it. you're allowed to do this. >> it's not festive. it's fake. [ laughter and applause ] you stick it in a box, and then you take it back out and you staple it up next year. that's what you do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is -- what can we expect? can we expect this on the animated show? >> "f is for family." all right, so, for years, i've done failed pilots that involved real people. and you know, because it was always like, "oh, well, what doeseshis say about, you k kw, people in tacoma?" right? and they would just tank the thing.
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was telling family stories throughout the beginning part of my career. and they used to be considered funny. you know? and then this new generation of kids that wore helmets when they rode bicycles and had play dates, you know? [ laughter ] "mommy, can i get the mailil "no, n n" so it started -- they all started bombing. all these stories. like, when i w a kid, if you didn't finish your dinner, or as we called it, supper, my parents just wrapped it t cellophane, and then you had to eat it for breakfast. you remember that? [ applause ] yeah, it was great. it would be hilarious. cube steaks were the worst. >> jimmymycube steaks. >> right? those were hard enough to chew as a toddler when you were like -- when it was warmed up. and then in like, the morning, you sit and eat cold cubed steak with green bean casserole. everybody's eating waffles, right? >> jimmy: cube steak. >> then they get quiet because they're thinking of a real kid. so now, just imagine if it was an animated kid that you didn't care about because it was just drawn, a a it took place in thth early '70s.
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>> jimmy: there you go. you don't have to worry about it, everybody. it's all fake. they're all animated. animated children. no children are harmed while making this. i have a clip of -- you have to come back every holiday season. >> oh, absolutely. >> jimmy: this is bill burr -- >> i'll come back dressed like an elf. >> jimmy: "f is for family." check this out. >hat the hell is this? kevin, he's flunking out and you knew about this? >> i wanted your food to settle. >> unbelievable, unbelievable. you got one job, pay attention and passssour classes. >> that's two jobs. >> no son of mine is going to flunk out. >> i don't care. i hate school. >> well, i hate my life, but i keep on doing it. i got a mortgage, i got dependentstsnd i got to go downtown every damn day to run that airport. >> please, you're just a a baggage handler. >> what the [ bleep ] did you just call me? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our thanks to the very funny bill burr.
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the entire first s sson of "f is for family" will be available this friday on netflix. binge watch it. >> i had a great time. thank you. >> jimmy: sheryl crow performs after the break, everybody. come on back. it's going to be good. sheryl crow. [ cheers and applause ] to do great things, sometimes you gotta break the rules. the all new surface pro 4.
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thirsty? they said it would make me cool. they don't sound cool to me. guess not. you got to s sck up for yourself, like with the name your price tool. people tell us their budget, not the other way around. aren't you lactose intolerant?
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest -- oh, one of m mall time faves. she's a nine-time e ammy winner. she's gonna be performing this saturday night on the amc special "imagine: john lennon 75th birthday concert." performing "revolution" by the beatles with a little help from the roots. give it up for sheryl crow. [ cheers and applause ] you say you want a revolution well you know we all want to
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you tell me that it's evolution well you know we all want to change the world but when you talk about destruction don't you know that you can count me out don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right you say you got a real solution well you know we'd all love to see the plan shoo be doo wop whoa shoo be doo wop you ask me for a contribution
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all doing what we can but if you want money for people with minds that hate all i can tell you is brother you have to wait don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right you say you'll change the constitution well you know we all want to change your head shoo be doo wop whoa shoo be doo wop
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it's the institution well you know you'd better free your mind instead but if you go carrying pictures of chairman mao you ain't going to make it with anyone anyho d d't you know it's gonna be all right don't you know it's gonna be all right don't'tou know it's gonna be all right all right all right all right all righgh all right all right all right all right all right all right all right
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>> jimmy: that's how you do it! that's howowou do it! sheryl crow! "imagine: john lennon's 75th birthday concert" airs saturday on amc.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to mark wahlberg, bill burr, the cast of "star wars: the force awakens."
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sheryl crow, ladies and gentntmen. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there and there. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody.
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