tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 21, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EST
>> stephen: ♪ now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, ♪ now, now, now, now christmas now. oh, hi! i'm just roasting some marshmallows over the fire. takes a lot longer than you think. tonight, i'm pleased to present some great moments from over the last year here on "the late show." see if you can spot the moment in the calendar where i say "screw it! i will eat anything in front of my face hole!" these are some of my favorite interviews, folks. we've got robert deniro, amy schumer, john krasinski, and millie bobby brown from "stranger things." in millie's honor, i've even got special christmas lights on display. >> ho ho ho. >> stephen: oh, no! santa's trapped in the upside down! my presents! santa, you gotta get out of there before december 25th!
just forget barb! daddy needs a new nine iron! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight: robert deniro! amy schumer! john krasinski! and millie bobby brown! featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, it's the best in "late show" retrospectacular end-of- year wrapup-abration! captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: welcome to "the late show!" oh, my goodness. oh, my goodness. oh, welcome to "the late show." i am happy to be your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ did everybody have a good weekend? ( cheers and applause ) i had a nice one, too. i'm pre-thanksgiving carboloading. just to work everything out. ( laughter ) i took the last couple of days off.
nice, didn't do much, hung out with some friends, made a pie. >> jon: what kind of pie? >> stephen: but, you know, had to work all weekend. >> jon: uh-huh. >> stephen: donald trump-- ( laughter ) poor guy can't catch a break. he didn't know being president was a full-time job. ( laughter ) first, he agreed to a $25 million settlement in the trump university fraud case. settlement, okay? ( audience booing ) settlement. technically he didn't lose, he settled. just how technically he didn't win the popular vote, america settled. ( applause ) see, trump was sued for fraud by students at his for-profit school, trump university. the fightin' payday loans! i don't know who the mascot is. i don't know who their mascot is. the fightin' grabbers! ( laughter ) now--
yeah. yeah. >> jon: hey, hey! my man! hey! >> stephen: i didn't say what he was grabbin', man! ( laughter ) now one of the many allegations in this lawsuit was that trump advertised he would personally hand-pick instructors and then under oath he admitted he did not pick the seminar leaders. but given his cabinet picks, maybe that's a good thing. ( laughter ) even though he clearly said he never settles lawsuits, trump doesn't see this as a loss. on saturday morning he tweeted, "i settled the trump university lawsuit for a small fraction of the potential award because as president i have to focus on our country." ( laughter ) yes, a small fraction. trump paid $25 million of $40 million they were seeking. and $25 million is a small fraction of $40 million, if you learned math at trump university. ( cheers and applause )
♪ >> jon: yeah, i got ya! >> stephen: with the lawsuit settled, the students of trump university have finally finished their education. so i'd like to take a moment right now and directly address the final graduating class at trump university. ( pomp and circumstance plays on organ ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) graduates of trump u, as you leave these hallowed hotel ballrooms to start your lives and then restart your educations at an actual school, you will be entering a troubled world. for example: donald trump is going to be president, but you are uniquely poised to take on that challenge because real world experience is the best teacher, and you've been conned
by a master. the connections you've made here will last a lifetime. look to your left, and look to your right. those are the people you'll be splitting the settlement check with. ( laughter ) and i hope and pray that you will take the lessons of trump university with you. the future is what you make of it. also, never take business advice from a man who can't sell vodka or steaks. you know what everyone loves? booze and meat. so, go out there and be a shining example of trump university's timeless motto: "carpe crotch'em." that's my time! everybody take a diploma from the bin by the door! please tip your waitress. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) do i have to get that? i'm not sure if i was supposed to give that away. do i have to give that back?
okay. that's yours. no, you can keep it. there you go. congratulations. put it on! put it on! put it on! put it on! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ how proud his mother must be. ( laughter ) oh, and i have some good news, because donald trump may be coming to a town near you because he's planning a pre- inauguration "victory tour." yes, trump is taking his show on the road. it'll be like the rolling stones reunion tour, only with more old white people. ( laughter ) although, there's some disagreement out there about what it's actually called. >> we're working on a victory tour now that will happen-- uh, when, kellyanne? in the next couple of weeks. >> it's called a "thank you tour". it's not a victory tour. it's a "thank you tour." >> a thank you tour.
>> "thank america tour." >> stephen: yes, it's a thank you tour. it's a thank you tour-- just like the roman generals used to drag the conquered people behind them in their "thank you" parades. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- and then they would make them fight in the "you're welcome" pit. ( laughter ) but it's going to be fun. pace yourself. it's four years. but this isn't a world tour or even a national tour because trump's thank you rallies will be held only in the states that trump won. now, donald trump won 30 states, so i assume he'll be standing in front of our new flag at his rallies. old partial glory. ( applause ) of course, the story that everyone is talking about is vice president-elect mike pence's going to see "hamilton." it's surprising he went to broadway, because pence believes that being on broadway is a choice that can be cured.
( applause ) and pence-- it's pray away the broadway, right? that's how it goes. you pray away the broadway. i believe that's what it's called. ( laughter ) pence got booed when he took his seat and the cast had a message for pence during the curtain call: >> we, sir, we are the diverse americans who are alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us, our planet, our children, our parents, or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights, sir. but we truly hope this show has inspired you to uphold our american values, and to work on behalf of all of us. >> stephen: powerful. ( cheers and applause ) and i've been told that pence really absorbed the message of hamilton, and has pledged to help bring the country back to the 18th century. ( laughter )
good luck. good luck, sir. now, i will say that pence stayed and listened and afterwards he said he wasn't offended. but donald trump was, tweeting "the theater must always be a safe and special place. the cast of hamilton was very rude last night to a very good man, mike pence. apologize!" first of all, mr. trump, the only president who gets to complain about the theater is abraham lincoln. ( cheers and applause ) second, i don't know where you got the idea that the theater is safe. i've seen "cats"-- ( laughter ) you think you're safe, but then all the cat-people start coming off the stage and try to sit on your lap and crawl up the walls! president trump-- build the fourth wall! ( applause ) and after that, make andrew lloyd webber pay for it!
after that little tweet tirade, trump tweeted, "the cast and producers of "hamilton," which i hear is highly overrated..." okay, stop. now you've gone too far. you can pull out of nato, you can round up immigrants, but "hamilton" overrated? no! ( cheers and applause ) no! you can't say that! you can't say it's overrated! it's had a huge cultural impact. it's finally given old white people a way to enjoy rap! ( laughter ) and trump supporters rallied around his tweets, calling for a 'hamilton' boycott to defend mike pence. ( audience booing ) okay, let me point out that you can't boycott something you can't get. you can't get into "hamilton,"
okay? that would be like hillary clinton boycotting the inaugural. she doesn't need to. ( laughter ) now, this whole drama was insane-- donald trump jumping in to defend his innocent vice president from theater bullies. this will go down in the history books. this is history now. >> jon: it's historic. >> stephen: it's absolutely historic. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: and future generations of americans will learn all about it in the form of a hip-hop musical. that we are premiering right now: ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ how does an orange, bully, son of a bitch and a con man grabbing (bleep) with gary busey, no taxes evident, grow up to be a hero and the president? well, the story of my reign starts on the great white way
with a great white-haired veep who doesn't like the gay. i always thought the theater was a safe and special place, but when the vice president's in residence some thugs get up in his face, cameras blazing, come right at him in their scary tights. blast him-- bang! -- with a request to protect their rights stabbing him with rudeness, the cast casting aspersions-- before pence can hit 'em back with some gay conversions. he got a lecture, he got hectored in his tiny little seat. i won't let my veep go down like that. men, to the tweets! drop the toilet seat, drop the beat, thumbs so fast, disappearing like my balance sheets. gonna make the theater safe again and end the lies. watch this, i'm gonna tweet: "apologize." and... done. back to making america great. hannity, truckasaurus-- who wants secretary of state? ( cheers and applause ) say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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( clears throat ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: so david o. russell is the director of this one, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. you worked with him a few times. >> yeah. >> stephen: i hear he yells lines out like, "try this line. try that line." >> yup. >> stephen: do you like that? >> i do, i do. >> stephen: say, "i love it." >> well, i love it-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) i don't-- i don't really love it. >> stephen: you don't love it, no? you know what? i believed you, though. you're that good of an actor. i really did. you have directed yourself. >> i have. >> stephen: you have worked with great directors and you're a director yourself. could you help me out, i started off as an actor. >> you did? >> stephen: back in the day. i would like to get some of that de niro, or de-neto-- magic.
i'll try one of these. i'll come in, with an intention. >> all right, go ahead. >> stephen: i'm going to have an intention, and i'm going to tell you-- let's say the first one-- like i'm a doctor, the first line is i'm a doctor and i've lost the patient. you're the family. and i come out, okay. ( clears throat ) i'm sorry, we did everything we could. ( laughter ) >> so you're coming out to give us the bad news? >> stephen: i'm in the scrubs, the blood, everything, like this. >> so you came out as if you just told us that our hamster died. ( laughter ) and -- >> stephen: uh-huh. >> and maybe-- maybe you have a little more empathy for the family? >> stephen: is there a trick? is there an acting trick to get me-- because i want to get to the emotionality. >> it's a family member who passed away. >> stephen: yeah. >> you said, "i'm sorry, we did everything we could." it's like-- hello! >> stephen: i don't want to over-apologize. ( laughter ). >> but you have to show a little more empathy. >> stephen: okay, i'll try a little more. all right.
( laughter ) >> now you're over-acting. >> stephen: i haven't even started. i haven't even started acting yet. what are you talking about? give a guy a chance! i'm putting too much-- i'm putting too much jewelry on. i'm about to take one piece off before i go act. let me try. let me try it again. all right, all right, all right. >> i'm listening. >> stephen: let me try it again. i'm sorry. i'm still saying the line. i'm still saying the line! >> that's better. >> stephen: better, okay. >> that's better. it's not great, but it's better. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you want to try it? >> no, no, i'm not gonna-- i'm not -- >> stephen: give me a line reading. >> no, i'm not going to give you a line reading. >> stephen: okay, all right, how about this one? how about the last one right there? >> go ahead. >> stephen: this is two santas too many. oh, by the way, it's from a movie called "three santas." ( laughter ) >> okay. >> stephen: okay? ( laughter )
and i'm-- i'm the real santa and the two other guys who are playing santa with me, and those guys aren't the real santas. i'm the real one, and i'm trying to explain it's two santas too many. >> so you're the real santa. >> stephen: i'm the real santa. >> who says you're the real santa? >> stephen: i say i'm the real santa. what do you mean, what's my back-story? i'm an eternal spiritual creature who brings happiness to children. that's my backstory. >> who created that? >> stephen: who created that? nobody created santa. he's a real person, robert. >> i know, but what story is this in? >> stephen: it's a movie i'm working on. i'm writing this movie called "three santas." listen, you're either attached to the project or you're not. in or out. on the bus or off the bus, but the santas are leaving the station. >> got it. i'm just trying to get behind it. ( laughter ) so-- but you wrote this story. >> stephen: it's a treatment. i'm working on it right now. >> so your thing is you're
saying there are two santas too many. >> stephen: right. >> or this is two santas too many. what are you saying? the other two santas, what did they do? >> stephen: they are not real santas in this story. they are, like, department store santas, who end up accidentally getting on santa's sleigh when it really lands in times square, and they go to the north pole. and now because their santa outfits are so great, they're confusing the elves. and mrs.-- mrs. claus can't tell which of us is the real person, and we end up wrestling and i go, "shoot them! i'm the real santa." again, we're still-- we're still working on it. ( laughter ). >> no, it sounds good. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- so you are saying that you're the-- you're the real santa. >> stephen: yeah. >> compared to those two santas. >> stephen: not real santas. >> and why is that? what gives you that extra -- >> stephen: why i am the real santa? >> yeah.
>> stephen: i don't know how to explain this. i'm the real santa. why are you the real robert de niro? >> well... >> stephen: i mean, there are fake robert de niros out there. ( cheers and applause ) have you ever-- i'll tell you what, i do a pretty good robert de niro. you have ever seen my robert de niro? >> no. >> stephen: see, i'm robert de niro. see, i run this town. >> good, nice. >> stephen: you like that? >> very good. >> stephen: people love that. everybody knows that's my de niro. >> okay, got it. i need another drink. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) the movie is "joy." "joy" is in theaters on christmas day! the man is the great robert de niro, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ kohl's is now open 24 hours so shop anytime for the best gifts ever and earn kohl's cash. pick up a bb-8 and get $20 kohl's cash the fitbit blaze and get $30 kohl's cash or a ps4 and get $50 kohl's cash.
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( cheers and applause ) my first guest tonight-- my first guest tonight is a brilliant comedian and now the author of her highly anticipated book "the girl with the lower back tattoo." please welcome the great amy schumer. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah! ♪ ♪ >> come on! i love the band! >> stephen: they're the best band. >> i love you, i love the band. you know what i mean? >> stephen: i feel the same way, in my darkest moments. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, wow. >> stephen: congratulations on the new book, "the girl with the lower back tattoo." >> i wrote a book. >> stephen: you did. that's quite an achievement. you wrote a good book, not just a book. >> no one even thought i could
read. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you for being here, because i understand you're feeling a little under the weather, thank you for being here. >> why, just because i'm winded from walking twenty feet? ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's the altitude, it's two steps up here. >> is it hot in here? yeah, i just finished filming a movie. i was in hawaii all summer with goldie hawn. ( cheers and applause ) hello! such a rough life. >> stephen: is that the part we're supposed to be sympathetic about, that you spent the summer in hawaii? >> i know, so it's been a really hard-- no, so i got really sick there. i got bronchitis, and i was like, exhausted, so i was in the hospital, we had to stop shooting for a week. >> stephen: wait, you went to the hospital kind of sick? >> you know it! >> stephen: like fluids and painkillers and stuff like that? >> that was-- my sister and i were laughing so hard because they kept coming in. they were taking all this blood and they were going "the blood hematized, so," and we would just start laughing. because they kept having to-- i don't know what it means. >> stephen: but they could say anything to you. >> yeah, all the time and they kept having to take more. it was just rock bottom and, so, i couldn't speak, and i coughed so hard -- >> stephen: that's difficult when you're a performer not being able to speak. >> i know.
it turns out, i thought the gold was just this, but it turns out i'm more, i'm like, ariel, you have got to hear my voice. ( laughter ) but i coughed so hard that i fractured my own ribs. yeah, so that still kind of smarts. >> stephen: wow, by the way, do you want a little hot tea or something like that? >> would you mind? >> stephen: a little hot tea. >> oh, that's exactly what i want. thank you. self-promotion. >> stephen: a little bit, yeah. all you guys are the same. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we've got to. >> that's so nice. thank you. >> stephen: so, did you get to enjoy the islands at all? what island were you on? >> -- honolulu, oahu -- i don't know, there was a palm tree. ( laughter ) i was sick like the whole time. first of all, i'm from here, so i like to sit and not move. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. >> and everyone hikes there. like, they're just-- everyone hikes every day. >> stephen: they're so healthy. >> they're so healthy. and their just like-- dogs hike. cats, you will see on a hike.
( laughter ) i went hiking and somebody said, on your left-- it was, like, a baby in a diaper was like blowing past me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you go to kauai? because it's like the grand canyon of -- >> i did go to kauai, but i was too sick. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> i was bed ridden. >> stephen: i went hiking on kauai on my honeymoon and was humiliated, because we walked down into a canyon and i couldn't get out. ( laughter ) >> you couldn't get out. >> stephen: and i thought, that's it. no sex for me on my honeymoon. i can't climb up a hill. it's a little emasculating. >> it was like "127 hours" but nothing was wrong with you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, but i felt like cutting off my own arm by the end of it. >> oh my god, what a great way to start a marriage. >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah, hawaii didn't totally agree with me. i'm not-- like, they would hike under any circumstances. you and i were stopped easily, but they were just-- i remember, it was really muddy and i asked someone "hey, is it going to be this muddy at the top?"
they were, like, "yes, but also there are bees up there." ( laughter ) nothing slows them down. >> stephen: don't drink the water. it has leprosy in it. >> something's wrong. >> stephen: the last time i saw you, we were at the fanciest thing possible. we were at the met gala. >> we went to the met gala. >> stephen: and look at this, this is you. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, my gosh. is that-- >> stephen: this is all safety pins. that's all safety pins on the front. >> that's all safety pins. those were a necessity. >> stephen: yeah, in case somebody needed to change a baby's diaper. >> i look like ben roethlisberger here, like this isn't even-- >> stephen: no, you look beautiful. you look beautiful there. and you had a big night. who is that? >> uh oh, who's that? me and beyonce, best friends. ( cheers and applause ) wow. wait, but can we-- i saw this picture and i really wanted to post it but i didn't because can you zoom in on my face? i look like a witch. i have a witch's-- that is a witch's profile.
( laughter ) i am a witch, and i had no idea. but, yes, i got to meet-- >> stephen: you look beautiful. she got to meet you. >> no. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: coming up next: my favoerite regular segment where cbs tells you about products you can buy. ooh! here comes one now. with my moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, the possibility of a flare was almost always on my mind. thinking about what to avoid, where to go... and how to deal with my uc. to me, that was normal. until i talked to my doctor. she told me that humira helps people like me get uc under control and keep it under control when certain medications haven't worked well enough. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common,
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what should i watch? things have come a long way since you got fios. [nervously laughs] what's fios? fios has fallen behind. don't fall with it. xfinity x1 will change the way you experience tv. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! we're back here. we're back here with the adorable john krasinski. okay? >> thank you. i fought for it and i got it. >> stephen: you got it, exactly right. we had him notarized as adorable. your new film was called "the hollars." >> that's right. >> stephen: little clip we saw when you first came out here. what was the casting process like in this film? >> actually i was attached as the actor about six or seven years ago. and the, as happens with these smaller films, the financier couldn't get it made, and he said, buy the script outright and try to make it as your own. >> stephen: what? >> and i said, you just said you couldn't get it made, that sounds like a terrible financial
decision for me. ( laughs ) and then i decided to go for it anyway. it's a really incredibly special movie. it's a movie that i used to love growing up, family movies like "terms of endearment" and things that really make you think about the power of family i'm big into. >> stephen: it's a genre you don't see much anymore. >> it's true. and i hope this movie-- people ask me, "what do you hope for the movie?" and usually when you do press tours, you say "go see the movie because i was in it." and this was the first time that i was like, i hope people go see this having nothing to do with me being the director and actor because-- ". >> stephen: oh, you're the director, too? >> yes! >> stephen: oh, wow. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you. thank you. i cast myself, so-- . ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you become impatient with an actor who doesn't take your note? >> no, not at all. i mean, to be really honest, we have the greatest actors in this movie. if you know margot martindale, richard jenkins, anna kendrick, charlie day. great people. >> stephen: great people. but as a director-- i was a waiter for many years.
and if i get bad service as a restaurant, i'm like, i have no patience. i have no patience for that. >> really? >> stephen: oh, yeah. yeah. yeah. >> wow! >> stephen: yeah, i'm not a better customer. i'm a much worse customer. ( laughter ) because i was a really good-- >> when we were at dinner, were you judging? >> stephen: totally. >> you were just totally judging that guy. >> stephen: yes. totally. was there a one-minute approach? did they put a bev nap down? did they let me know if i needed them? was there something wrong with the dish? just take it away. don't ( bleep ) debate me! just take it away. ( cheers and applause ) so, in the same way as a director talking to an actor, just like, "i'm the director, do what i say! roll 'em!" >> if we just go back on what you just said, that's how i talk to my actors. i was like, i mouth a lot when they're acting. i just do this a lot, like, and when they're like, "hey, i was wondering" i try to like act through them is the best way to do it. no, god, if i did that, i hope they would slap me in the face. >> stephen: i would go see that. >> you would? >> stephen: yeah, that would be fun. >> you would? ok. not the movie, you just want to see the outtakes of people slapping me?
>> stephen: are there outtakes of the movie? >> there will be outtakes when it comes out on dvd. >> stephen: right. >> but you'll pay for it because we're best friends now. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i've already established that i paid for dinner though. shouldn't you pick up the movie tickets? >> i mean, if you want to fight about this, we can. >> stephen: we should fight and then there's the makeup sex. ( laughter ) >> that's right! that's what i look forward to the most. >> stephen: now, let's point out that our wives are watching this. ( laughter ) your lovely wife and my lovely wife. and one thing that you and i have in common and your wife also enjoys is doing what we call puke takes. >> mm-hmm, fake vomiting. >> stephen: fake vomiting. something i had a lot of fun with with our mutual friend steve carell. we used to do this together. >> yes. >> stephen: you and your wife have both done it with me. would you like to do some more fake vomiting with me right now? >> i will do it all day every day. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay, great. and because-- this is in case you want that. let's do-- because you and i both have lovely wives, and because they're the only women in the world that would probably
put up with this, why don't we do-- i suggest we do a shakespearean sonnet, a love poem, to our wives, all right? and you talk to yours over there and i'll talk to mine over here and obviously-- >> mine's over here? hi emily, ha-ha. that's technology right there. that's not a real person. >> stephen: all right, great. if you want to begin, i'll follow you. puke take, shakespeare. >> emily, shall i compare thee to a summer's-- ( laughter ) thou art more lovely and more...temperate. >> stephen: rough winds do shake the darling buds of-- and summer's lease has all too short a day-- . >> sometime too hot the eye of-- of heaven-- heaven-- and often
is gold-- is gold-- >> stephen: and every fair from fair sometimes-- by chance or nature's-- nature's-- changing course untrim'd. >> but thy eternal summer shall not-- fade nor lose possession of that fair-- fair-- fair thou ow'st. oh, god! >> stephen: nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade, when in eternal lines to thou--
>> so-- so long as men can breathe or eyes-- can see >> stephen: so-- so long lives this, and this gives life to-- >> and to-- >> stephen: and scene. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) so beautiful. >> that was wonderful. i hope they appreciate it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so beautiful "the hollars" is out now. john krasinski, everybody. ♪ ♪ my new beer, stella artois, hey cois finished. the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember
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please welcome millie bobby brown! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> wow. this is very big. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: i have to say i love the outfit. you look fantastic. >> i know, it's just fantastic. >> stephen: well, you're 12- years-old. you're the youngest guest i've ever interviewed. thank you for being here. >> it's an honor. >> stephen: it's an honor to have you. >> i'm so excited. thank you. >> stephen: people like-- this show is so popular and everybody loves your performance and people might say, "you're an
overnight success," but you've been acting since when? how old were you when you started? >> it's been a four-year overnight success. >> stephen: wow. >> i haven't been doing this-- for, like, you know, my whole life. i started when i was eight. >> stephen: just about 50% of it. that's all. ( laughter ) >> just about, like-- so, i'm-- it's very overwhelming in the best possible way. it's all very new. and it's fantastic. i'm so happy to be here with you guys. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, the show takes place in the early '80s. >> yes. >> stephen: did you have to do research on the early '80s? ( laughter ) did you ask your mom and dad, like, "who was-- who was milli vanilli? who were these--" >> it wasn't who. it was like, what, is that?" you know? >> stephen: what do you mean? >> i didn't know what a record player was. and then i was like-- >> stephen: do you like record players? >> yeah, now i do.
i got one for christmas. but then i was like, "i don't know what that is. it's a square. it's got a circle-- no. and then, the crew was like, "just play it." and i played it. and i was like why has it got that sick-- what? >> stephen: and you can put the needle down anywhere in the song you want, isn't that cool? >> and then you can flip it over! >> stephen: it's great. it's pretty great, huh? >> i'm really getting sic, like, i'm fed up with screens now, i want to go to stuff like this. >> stephen: yeah, and the art is really big on the album cover. >> i love adele, i love ed sheeran and amy winehouse, beyonce. ( laughter ) you know, and so i got-- the vinyl sounds like, this is my life now. ( laughter ) i mean-- >> stephen: even better, even better. >> i know. >> stephen: now, in it, you hang out with four boys, okay, who all play dungeons and dragons. >> yeah, don't know what that is. >> stephen: you don't know what dungeons and dragons is? >> no. >> stephen: oh, i was an original dungeons and dragons.
i am one of those four boys. >> which one, though? that's the thing. >> stephen: the least popular one. ( laughter ) so you don't know dudgeons and dragons? >> no. >> stephen: because there is a creature, the demo-gorgon, in your show, that's also a reference to a creature in dungeons and dragons and i knew the reference immediately. >> i couldn't say demo-gorgon at first. they were like it's demo-- when i started reading the script and i realized i had no lines it was really fun because then i actually got to read other people's lines. and i would be like, "no, that's your line." and he's like, "you have no lines to learn so it's easy for to you say that." >> stephen: that's right, you just sit there. >> i'm like "no," "papa," "no." ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's a spooky show. do you get scared yourself? like, does the show scare you. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: no? >> oh, it does. i'm frightened about everything. ( laughter ) >> stephen: everything on the show or just things in general. >> just things in general. >> stephen: what scares you?
>> um, sharks. the dark. >> stephen: sharks and the dark. sharks and the dark would be terrible. >> bungalows. >> stephen: why are you scared of bungalows? >> bungalows really freak me out. >> stephen: is that an english word for something different? >> no, it's a house with no stairs. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't understand-- i don't understand. what is it, because the bad creatures can't get up the stairs? >> no! you have no place to escape. you're on one level. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you can go out window because the house with the stairs, you go up to the second floor, the creature's got you trapped on the second floor. >> no, because-- no! just no! >> stephen: why, because you can block the staircase with a chair or something? >> i don't know, i just feel safe with stairs. i don't run up stairs fast. like, as you can see, i feel like i could trip. but don't-- i like stairs being around me. you know, like if i had a tantrum, i could just stomp the stairs, and my mom and dad would
be, "oh, she's annoyed." you know. ( laughter ) do you know what i mean? so, like, stairs just come in handy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i've got to get some stairs. we've got to get some more stairs around here. now, i understand that you have- - you've got a squad, right? >> a squad, yes. >> stephen: you have a squad. >> i didn't know what that means, and then i'm friends with mattie ziegler. >> stephen: wow, wow. >> i know. that was a big change in my life. and then-- clearly it states it's my card. >> stephen: i understand there's a test you can give to be in your squad. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i was wondering whether i could take the test to see whether i could make the cut to be in the squad. >> but can you? >> stephen: i don't know. >> can you do it? >> stephen: i don't know. is there a name for your squad? do you have a special name? >> no, me and mattie are taking castings now. >> stephen: okay, i'd like to apply. stephen colbert, new york city, and i'd like to apply to be in the squad, please.
>> i was going to say age, but it's okay. don't worry. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's okay. sorry. i was going to-- i'm sorry. do you know what it is? do you know what it is? >> stephen: do i know what my age is? yes, i do. >> no, no, no, when i do my castings, i'm like, "hi, guys, my name's millie i'm 12-years- old." and i was like, i shouldn't say that. anyway, let's go with the test, shall we? >> stephen: yes, shall we. >> what does bae mean? >> stephen: bae? it's your sweetie, like, your special one. >> you're my "bae." >> stephen: right. your sweetie, your special one. >> yeah, but what does it stand for? >> stephen: baby? no? >> baby! >> stephen: is it baby? is it true? >> it's not baby. no. >> stephen: what's a bae? >> it's like, you're my before anyone else. >> stephen: really? >> yeah! >> stephen: i didn't know that. hold on i'll write this down. >> so that was-- did you just lick your pen? >> stephen: i licked it. i licked it. >> oh, wow. >> stephen: you see, i'll tell
you why, when i was a child, when i was your age, we used goose quills. >> oh, okay. all right. >> stephen: we'd shake sand on it and fold it and give it to a pigeon. go ahead. all true, all true, that's the '80s. ( laughter ) >> okay. i feel like that's the 50s. okay, ready? what does lit mean? >> stephen: lit? >> do you want me to give you an example? >> stephen: sure. >> this interview is lit. >> stephen: it's super cool. it's happening. >> anybody know what lit means? ( cheers and applause ) okay, well, thank you. >> stephen: it's super cool. it's happening. >> it's like, this, party is lit." >> stephen: it's super cool. it's happening. >> no. >> stephen: what's it mean? >> it means, like, it's just raving. you know? >> stephen: it's happening. >> okay, we'll go on to the next question. >> stephen: i'm giving you a test next time. and lit stands for... ? >> i don't know. it doesn't stand for anything. i don't think it stands for anything. >> stephen: it means little shavers should watch themselves. >> all right, so say-- you have
to say right now, "i'm tired." >> stephen: i'm tired. >> r.t.! what does that mean? >> stephen: retweet? >> yes! >> stephen: really? >> yes! >> stephen: what! how was "i am tired? what a pleasure. congratulations on your show. >> thank you. >> stephen: "stranger things" is streaming now on netflix. millie bobby brown, everybody! ♪ ♪ crsugar is everywherets sugar shield
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: wow, what a show. i really loved doing that interview with de niro. it reminds me of a great little moment we had off camera that night with bobby. when we went to commercial bobby leans and he says to me, "stephen, we're not that close, please don't call me bobby." millie bobby brown said the same thing. what can i say? celeb life. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ a thing no more it's gonna be just fine ♪ it's the late, late show ( cheers and applause ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from loredo, texas, give it up for your host the one, the only james corden!