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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 5, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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and sleep well. captioning sponsored by cbs >> aqua man, powerful friend to the sea horse. can keep his eyes open underwater! proficient in the breast stroke! aqua man, king of all that is damp! >> you know, everybody's saying donald trump pulling out of the paris accord is a bad thing, but i think it's great! now aqua man will finally get some respect! you may not believe this, but when there was trouble, people seldom said, hey, call the guy who can talk to shrimp! but thanks to trump pulling out to have the paris climate accord, all that's changed because, now, as the sea levels rise, i'll be sitting pretty! after all, who are you going to turn to for help when you're
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treading water in midtown manhattan? the thing? he'll sink like the rock he is, and, yes, i know the thing is marvel, but who cares, we'll all be drowning. except for me, i can swim for hours without getting tired. that's what i do. so, again, trump, you have aqua man's gratitude. now, if you will excuse me, i have to use the bathroom. i just did. that's what's great about being aqua man, the whole world is my toilet! >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes kevin hart, ali wentworth, and musical guest the war on drugs, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> stephen: hey! hey! what's going on?! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hey! welcome to "the late show," everybody! so glad you're here. i'm your shows stephen colbert. it's great to be back. we were off for a week. i didn't miss anything, did i? ( laughter ) we'll get to the news in a second, but you're here on a special night. anybody see "wonder woman" this weekend? ( cheers and applause ) yes. yes. it's amazing, incredible. i haven't seen it. but tonight, in honor of the biggest movie in the world, our
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audience is entirely half filled with women. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) that's right. it's exclusively half women. also important, the white house announced today that they're kicking off "infrastructure week." it's like shark week except american infrastructure might actually kill you. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) and it started with trump's plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the f.a.a. into a non-profit corporation. although, to be fair, any company trump runs is eventually non-profit. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) it's so nice that we have trump fans here! ( laughter ) and trump defended the plan. >> we're proposing reduced wait times, increased route efficiency, and far fewer delays.
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our plan will get you where you need to go more quickly, more reliably, more affordably. >> stephen: "plus, more leg room, and the whole can of apple juice!" ( laughter ) whole thing. not the glass. tip it over, spills in your lap. two stars. no ice. ( applause ) trump also bragged about how great the new system will be. >> the best equipment anywhere in the world. there'll never be anything like what we're doing. and other systems are very good. i won't tell you the names of the country, but we have studied numerous countries, one in particular. >> stephen: wait, why won't you tell us the country? ( laughter ) you'll tell the russians about israeli intelligence, but you won't tell us what country's good at landing planes. ( applause ) i don't understand why that can -- ( cheers and applause )
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( piano riff ) there can't be any scandal. it's a compliment! what are your yelp reviews like? "great meal. five stars. you got to try it. i won't name the restaurant." ( laughter ) ( applause ) no, huh-uh, won't name 'em. huh-uh. what country could it be?! if he won't name it, it's got to be some exotic, faraway land full of adversaries who are hostile. >> canada is an example modernized their air traffic control through a nongovernment organization about 20 years ago, and they have cut costs significantly, adopted cutting edge technology, and handled 50% more traffic. >> stephen: 50% more traffic. yes, i wonder why there are so many more people flying to canada these days? ( applause ) one way ticket. >> jon: one way district? >> stephen: i like it here,
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though. i like it here a lot. ( piano riff ) but if they're going to be a non-profit, our air traffic control is going to have to do some fundraising to make ends meet. and i'm here to help. ♪ in the arms the angels ♪ fly away from here every day, thousands of flights take off across the u.s. for just ten cents a day, you could make sure one needy plane gets cleared for landing. ( laughter ) a plane -- like this one here. ( applause ) this is delta flight 8625 out of houston. it's been circling la guardia for eight years. ( laughter ) won't you help it land? right now, a child is kicking the seat in front of him. won't you call?
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( cheers and applause ) thank you, sarah. thank you, sarah. of course, if you come from a muslim majority nation, air traffic is not your problem because trump is still trying to push this muslim travel ban. remember, he had that executive orders he signed, showed everybody, and that was struck down in court, then rewritten a little softer, then struck down again, and now the revised version is headed to the supreme court-- and the administration's only chance of winning is not calling it a travel ban. why, sean? >> it's not a travel ban. because when we use words like travel ban, that misrepresents what it is. >> stephen: got it. okay. so this thing should get approved by the supreme court as long as nobody calls it a "travel ban." (trump) people, the lawyers and the courts can call it whatever they want, but i am calling it what we need and what it is, a
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travel ban! ( cheers and applause ) oh, come on! ( piano riff ) mr. president, that was the one thing you're not supposed to say! ( laughter ) it's like going to an a.a. meeting and shouting, "who wants shots?" they all do. that's why they're there. but don't say it! ( laughter ) and if calling it a travel ban wasn't bad enough, trump went on to tweet, "the justice department should have stayed with the original travel ban, not the watered down, politically correct version they submitted to supreme court." mr. president, you can't criticize the justice department-- you control the justice department! to quote third grade boys everywhere: "quit hitting yourself, quit hitting yourself!" ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
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you okay? you okay? that's cameraman abuse. ( laughter ) and this isn't the only tweet that's made news in the last week. i know this happened five days ago, but i will not be denied the chance to enjoy this one from just after midnight last wednesday -- "despite the constant negative press covfefe." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) okay. strong statement. bold. presidential. reminds of the first draft of the gettysburg address. "four score and seven ratselttab." ( laughter ) of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. why did the president type that?
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it was the new "what color is the dress?" but instead of "white versus blue," it was "sleepy versus stroke." ( laughter ) the tweet was taken down six hours later and replaced with a response from trump, saying, "who can figure out the true meaning of 'covfefe'??? enjoy!" ( laughter ) see? it's just fun! >> jon: meant to be a joke. >> stephen: it's not a mistake. it's fun. he's in on the fun! what a hilarious jokester. it's a great follow up to everything he does that makes no sense. "who can figure out the true reason i withdrew from the paris climate treaty??? enjoy!" ( laughter ) "who can figure out the true reason i inflicted my corrosive vortex of paranoia, wounded ego, and stifling inhumanity on this great nation??? enjoy!" ( laughter ) rough riff "who can figure out what's on the famous russian videotape of me asking those women to covfefe? enjoy!" ( laughter ) of course, the big story last
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-- oh, "covfefe," oh, "covfefe"! something like that, "covfefe." >> jon: "covfefe." >> stephen: "covfefe" will cost you extra. ( laughter ) of course, the big story last week was trump's announcement that america was pulling out of the paris climate agreement. ( audience reacts ) yeah, i know. i know. i know. but don't worry, he's got a sound, scientific reason. >> i was elected to represent the citizens of pittsburgh, not paris. >> stephen: mr. president, it's pronounced "st. petersburg." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: what? ( piano riff ) >> stephen: we're having fun! enjoy! ( laughter ) by the way, i believe
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"pittsburgh, not paris" is now the official motto of pittsburgh. ( laughter ) according to trump. he pulled out because the agreement lowered america's status in the world. >> at what point does america get demeaned? at what point do they start laughing at us, as a country? >> stephen: oooh, i know that one. january 20, 2017. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> jon: oh! oh! >> stephen: enjoy! enjoy!&3 other members of the trump administration have been defending the move, including vice president and man pretending to think, mike pence, who said the climate change debate has gotten too political. >> for some reason or another, the issue of climate change has emerged as a paramount issue for the left. >> stephen: yeah, for some reason those lefties want the earth to remain inhabitable.
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probably because that's where george clooney lives. coincidence? meanwhile, things continue to happen in the trump-russia scandal. it's full of surprises. just when you thought you knew what was going on, it turns out, it's exactly what you thought. case in point, we learned last week that, back in december trump son-in-law and proud graduate of cobra kai, jared kushner, held a secret meeting with russian bank c.e.o. and man who's pretending he has a mustache, sergey gorkov. gorkov is the head of the government owned, vnesheconombank, where the first two pages of your bank statement are just their name. gorkov is also in the domestic form of the former kgb, what's in your wallet? tell us or we will kill you.
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( laughter ) now, trump folks say that kushner met with gorkov as the trump transition team's "official primary point of contact with foreign governments." of course, the primary point is the most sensitive part of the contact. but vnesheconombank claims that gorkov met with kushner in his role as the head of his family's real estate business. oh, it's just his real estate business. it explains the sign in front of the white house: country for sale. best offer. ( laughter ) we've got a great show tonight! kevin hart is here! that guy over there! ( cheers and applause ) stick around!
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back! my first guest tonight is a one-man entertainment industry-- standup comedian, movie star, and now an author. please welcome, kevin hart! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> thank you! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) i appreciate it! thank you, guys! it's always amazing.
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they're never not amazing. >> not for every guest. really? >> stephen: not for every guest. these guys leapt to their feet. they dont's do that for every guest, i promise you. ( cheers and applause ) now, i'm surprised you are looking as healthy and rested as you are because you do everything. >> i was just thinking that could have went left. >> stephen: no, no, because you're so busy. >> i'm surprised you look healthy, kevin! >> stephen: no, because you're so busy. were you at the cavs game last night? >> no, i went to game one. >> stephen: they lost two in a row now. >> yeah. >> stephen: gotten spanked twice in a row now. >> is that how you do it? >> stephen: that's how you do it. who are you pulling for when you're court side? >> well, here's the thing, all right, it's tough because i know all the guys. >> stephen: you know all the guys. >> i know bryan, i know k.d., stev, i know -- those are real friendships. >> stephen: okay. o secretly, this is between
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us -- >> stephen: so turn off the cameras. >> cut 'em off. >> stephen: yeah. ecretly, i'm pulling for lebron right now because i want to see bron make history. i'm big on history. i love what he h's doing and accomplishing and i want to say i saw it for this generation and witnessed it. but at the games i don't let stef and k.d. see me cheering for bryan. if they look, i just start scratching or act like i'm doing something else. or i wave, what's up, man? this is a good game. but i whisper but i don't scream it. i don't want bryan seeing me cheer for him and him see me cheering for bryan. you know what i mean? yeah. >> people will say, you know when you cheered from the other side? i know, but that's a different
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time. >> stephen: lebron or steph curry? >> they all would do? i don't think one outweighs the other. >> stephen: you don't have to worry about a job. you are a movie star, standup star, highest paid comedian of 2016. ( cheers and applause ) and now you've got a book, it's called "i can't make this up," life lessons with kevin hart. >> that's so good. that's so good. >> stephen: how does, again, you're a very busy man for someone who looks so healthy. how do you -- what's the process when you write? you go to a cabin? pipe, smoking jacket, elbow patches? >> no, i'm naked. i'm naked. >> stephen: hold on. got it. >> got it? >> stephen: yeah. uh-huh. oh, my. ( laughter ) >> you know what? i think that i have a very interesting story, and here's the thing with me, i'm not
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selfish with information. i think in the entertainment business, people become selfish with information. >> stephen: what do you mean? when they make it, people get to a high level of success and they don't share the story of their road to success. >> stephen: oh, because the other guy's coming up. >> i don't want the other guy coming up and taking my spot. but the story can be useful to people with dreams and aspirations. sometimes people need to know how many times you heard no or the door was slammed in your face or rejection was literally at your doorstep and you felt like your dream was not going to become a reality. >> stephen: the book is a motivational seminar. >> it really, is man. it's me being 100% honest. i'm giving you the good, bad, ugly, whether it's negative, negative or one level negative. >> stephen: for somebody out there facing a lot of rejection or smings things are rough in their life, what's a rough patch you went through that you pushed through anyway? >> a rough patch?
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the roughest patch in standup comedy when i was a young comic coming up i wanted to audition for the comic strip and a guy named lucien ran the comic strip. his opinion was the ultimate, he saw eddy murphy and said this will be the next guy, sign felt will be the next guy. so many stars became a star because he put his hand on them and said it's going to happen. his word was the word to get. i auditioned and he told me to come back to his office. he sits me down and says, i don't think this is for you. i don't think comedy is your thing. you should find a job and look to do something else with your life because this is it for you. no laughter afterwards, blank stare. i'm waiting for the punch line. when's it getting funny? when's the funny? i'm not laughing. this seems it's real.
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he said, thank you for coming but unfortunately, you won't be performing here, that's it. i had to get up and walk out of the office. that was literally the first punch in the stomach i took. my friend told me what do you care about somebody else's opinion? he said you're in charge with your own destiny. you're in competition with yourself. the day you give up on your is the day you give up on your dream. if you're in the businessov giving up on your dream, i don't want to be in the business of being your friend. i think you're talented so why don't you stay true to what you think you can do. it was words like that that made me get the thick skin to deal with hollywood and rejection. when i heard no a thousand times, i started to roll off my back and when i got the one yes i never listened to them again. the young generation needs to know i'm going to stay true to me dream and i'm going to stay till i see the light in the
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tunnel. i'm happy now, but there was a role for me getting here and that role and story should be told, hence my book. how good of talker am i? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're going to take a little break right here. you're a great talker. we've got to take a break. back with more kevin hart. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ sorry about the holdup, folks. we have some congestion on the runway and i'm being told it'll be another 15, maybe 20 minutes, and we will have you on your way. ♪ runway models on the runway? surprising. what's not surprising? how much money evan saved by switching to geico. i would not wear that lace. hmm, i don't know? fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. that's like lebron trying to pperform with old equipment.?
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the latest research and conducting clinical trials-to help each patient get the personalized cancer care they deserve. start at one of the cancer treatment centers of america hospitals near you. the evolution of cancer care is here. learn more at appointmenents available now. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! we're here with kevin hart. one nice thing, your new book, "i can't make this up" life lessons, kevin hart, you said this is a love letter to your mom who raised you. >> yes. >> stephen: how did she influence you because you have two kids now. >> and one on the way. >> stephen: a third on the way? >> yes. >> stephen: congratulations! hey, honey! >> stephen: what are you like as a dad? >> i'm an amazing dad.
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i think i'm the best dad walking this earth. but the reason for it is because -- >> stephen: how do your kids feel about you? >> my kids think i'm a dope. that's what make me happy. my kids actually think i'm the coolest dad on the planet. it's different when you think you're cool and your kids are, like, shut up, dad, and you're not cool. but my kids think i'm cool. my dad has a lot to do with that. the mistakes my dad made, the decision to do drugs and many if and out of jail and our lives, i saw first hand whatnot being present did and i know what being present means and what effect it can do can and the effect it will have on your child coming up. i choose to go positive instead of negative and because of that my relationship with my dad is amazing now and my dad understands how i feel and how i look at things and my dad is focusing on being the best
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grandparent that he possibly can. >> stephen: you wand and the your dad have gotten back together and healed your relationship? that's beautiful. that doesn't always happen. >> but you have a choice. you know how much time it takes to hold an attitude and grudge? that's time and energy. the time it takes you to go i don't like that person and keep that in you is a lot of time that can be devoted to be positive. >> stephen: nelson mandela said holding a grudge is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill the other person. >> first off, that's amazing and i'med off that i didn't know that. that was a real bad moment for me as a black man. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you can't know everything every black man said. >> no, but you said, you know what nelson mandela said -- and i was, like, oh, (bleep), i didn't know. that was tough.
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that was tough right there is that i'm so sorry. you said you've got a lot of life lessons fromout people in hollywood. >> yes. >> stephen: you want to be the guy who passes it down. >> yes. >> stephen: you learn a lot of things from people you did projects with. any particular people who gave you lessons on the set or -- like you did -- what did you do -- you did soul playing with snoop. did you learn anything from snoop? >> yeah, i learned you shouldn't smoke over a certain amount. yeah. that's a true story. yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's hard not to with snoop. >> well, there is a point with snoop you just had to go, where are we trying to get to? like, what's the end game? when does it stop? literally, it just doesn't stop. and i was, like, at this point, maybe you should find something else, because this -- i don't think this is the high you're looking for, man!
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people are dead. like, everybody else is dead. >> stephen: everybody's out and he's still driving on. >> at this point, you're talking to yourself. like, you're the only one talking. so i think for snoop, man, it was a lot of things. if i saw snoop over there, he's, like, come smoke with your uncle, i'm going to say i have asthma. i'm going to do something. i'm not going over there. i did it once and it didn't end well. i think i honestly -- like, i'm not a drug guy. i know what my dad did and the consequences of it, but snoop, this was a legendary moment, you got to smoke with snoop if you get a chance. i have to say, don't do drugs, but if you do do it, do it with snoop. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: quality, not quantity. >> quality. i smoke with snoop. i think i was high for three weeks. >> stephen: totally don't ever get on willie nelson's bus. >> never! >> stephen: this book ends with you saying go forth and
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prosper. >> yes. >> stephen: which sounds like the end of a church service, go forth and prosper. will this book make people rich? if they read this book, will they have a prosperous life? >> absolutely not. what you will have is a different attitude in your approach to becoming prosperous. that's what this book will do. this book will simply make you stay true to your dream. it will make you be determined to find the successful version of yourself. at the end of the day, i want people to be better. that's why i'm sharing this information. i don't want to be successful by myself. there is enough success in the world for everybody. everybody should be able to get a piece. i think if everybody adapts that mindset, that our world will ultimately become a better place. ates crab in a barrel mentality now and it takes people to speak up about being positive and bringing people close together and that's what i do, man. >> stephen: what is a crab in a barrel mentality? >> a crab in a barrel. you put a bunch of crabs in a
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before reel, every crab that tries to climb out of the barrel, there's another crab that's going to grab the crab and pull him back in. eventually no crabs get out of the barrel because they're all pulling each other down trying to get to the top. no crab is helping. how do you not know that? >> stephen: because i haven't read your damn book yet. ( laughter ) kevin, thanks for being here. "i can't make this up" goes on sale tomorrow! go forth and prosper! kevin hart, everybody! back with ali wentworth! ally ham to be our next spokesperson? seems like a good fit. but he's so boring. i'm yawning just talking about him. well it's our job to change that. uh guys. i think he can hear us. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! caramel has been square for far too long.
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uh. ow. introducing new caramel m&m's. itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. we have this need to peek over our neighbor's fence. and once we do, we see wonder waiting. every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. so, the question you asked me. what is the key? it's you. everything in one place, so you can travel the world better.
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>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) folks, my next guest is a comedian who stars as a late night talk show talent booker on "nightcap." >> listen to me. i am at the end of my rope. you just made me feel bad, i
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wanted to stop! that's the end of me movie, a mental breakdown. >> no this is not mental breakdown. >> i've had enough of doing it more. i want you gone! oh! >> my bad! ow! h, jeez! >> stephen: please welcome ali wentworth! ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you again. >> i know they stood up for kevin hart, so i was a little nervous. thank you for standing up for me. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: they're lovely. now, the last time we were lucky enough to have you on the show, winter was just starting. >> yes, winter was upon us. >> stephen: we wanter was upon us. it was the winter solstice. >> yes. >> stephen: so we made it officially to happy summer. >> happy summer to you.
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>> stephen: you and your family, george stephanopoulos, and how many children, two? >> that i know of. >> stephen: do you do summary trips? >> we're big vacationers because, frankly, george works seven days a week so he takes a week at christmas and a week in the summer. we took a trip last year which permanently damaged my two children, two daughters. >> stephen: your last summer vacation. >> we took them to the galapagos islands. has anyone ever been there? ( cheers and applause ) it was my vietnam but good for you for having a good time. >> reporter: why? tore us the problems? >> i would have given anything for a tore us the problem. i don't know what a tore us the would be. >> stephen: neither to i. apparently, it itches. we think, this is going to be educational. we book it through one of those family vacation things which, by the way, just go to disney world. just don't do anything else, and we flew to ecuador and we get
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into this huge bus with a thousand tourists, and, which io meet new this dock i white, shiny, gorgeous b beyonce, it was the stunning wao ha boat, we go to the sage hacybeeh ever you want. they're wet a to our rooms, andy below the water. and george and i have this room s little cots, like tiny little cots. our kids little box and they're, like, we want to sleep with you!
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we're too scared! so we go, that's great. let's all sleep together in this chair. let's all four of us sleep together in this chair. our toilet had blown up moments before we had checked in to the pirate boat and, so, when you walked in a our room, all this water and poop would come up between your toes. ( audience reacts ) so you're literally, like, i'll be right back, let me go see what's for dinner -- squish, squish, squish. ( audience reacts ) by the way, dinner that night was a pig's head with jell-o around it. ( audience reacts ) okay, so -- >> stephen: carnival cruise line is so lovely if you want to try something like that. ( laughter ) >> we're only left off the boat two hours a day. >> stephen: is that a work release program? >> you're only allowed to go on the islands two hours a day. so i'm thinking we're going to see a blue-footed platypus or --
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>> stephen: sure, not that but something like that. >> i'm sorry, is that my harvard education coming through? and we didn't see anything. we saw two seals. i can see seals in central park two blocks from my house. i said, where are all the freaky animals? i had a disposable camera. nothing. so, meanwhile, george -- okay, this is a man who can not be without his cell phone because there is breaking news every five minutes. >> stephen: but there is. no, i know. believe me -- >> stephen: this is real. i know it is! >> stephen: this is actually happening. >> i know it is. >> stephen: yeah. o he cannot function in life without his cell phone. so we get on the boat, and they say to my husband, oh there's no internet. there's no internet. every night, he would go to the top of the deck and hold his phone out like this, and i would come up and say what are you doing? he said, if i get a bar, i can somehow get a helicopter to come
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get us. ( laughter ) by the way, by the end of the trirntion because this could be a 40-minute segment, my husband had a thick beard, he was rocking back and forth in the cot and looked like holm tom hanks in castaway. >> stephen: new york city is a lovely place to spend vacation. you can spend it right here. ( applause ) >> of course! >> stephen: lovely to see you again. >> we have to go? >> stephen: yes. we're not going to do the anal sex story? >> stephen: no, do you guys want to hear the anal sex story? ( applause ) so, how do you and george approach parenting differently? >> i'm so glad you asked me! ( laughter ) i'm assume weg're at commercial now. >> stephen: yeah, none of this is going on air. ( laughter ) >> he's very serious and i use humor, mostly to deflect. >> stephen: he has to be
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serious. he's an attorney, he has to tell the truth. >> yes, he has to tell the truth. >> stephen: he has to tell the truth! >> i know! i'm just doing that because you did it. >> stephen: i did not start this! >> you started it. ( laughter ) you started it. we'll roll back the tape. now it's a two-hour show. so my daughter who is in sixth grade, they got this book called it's perfectly normal which is for their sex ed, and it's very provocative. i was reading chapter 12 and 13 and i was, like, oh, my god, i have no idea. so we're sitting at dinner and my little daughter says, mommy and daddy, have you ever had anal sex? and before i could even make eye contact with george, i say only for jewelry, sweetie. ( laughter ) >> stephen: worth the trip. worth the trip. >> that's how you parent! that's how you parent!
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>> stephen: "nightcap"'s new season appears wednesdays on poptv! ali wentworth, everybody! we'll be back with a performance by the war on drugs! ( cheers and applause ) i hate the outside. well, i hate it wherever you are. burn. "burn." is that what the kids are saying now? i'm so bored, i'm dead. you can always compare rates on oh, that's nice, dear. but could you compare camping trips? because this one would win. all i want to do is enjoy nature and peace and quiet! it's not about winning. it's about helping people find a great rate even if it's not with progressive. -ugh. insurance. -when i said "peace and quiet," did you hear, "talk more and disappoint me"? ♪ do do do do ♪ skiddly do do ♪ camping with the family ♪ [ flame whooshes ] no splashing! wait, so you got rid of verizon, just like that? uh huh. i switched to t-mobile, kept my phone everything on it oh, they even paid it off! wow! yeah, it's nice that every bad decision doesn't have to be permanent!
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now you can ditch verizon but keep your phone. we'll even pay it off when you switch to t-mobile. mom what's for din...ner? water. just water. lots and lots of water. you wouldn't feed your kids just water, so why starve your plants? feed them miracle gro and go from doom to bloom. (quiet chatter) (soft gasp) (record scratching) ( ♪ ) (excited chatter) ( ♪ ) various: whoa! (mixed exclamations) ( ♪ ) (cheering) ( ♪ )
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that cause your symptoms. most allergy pills only block one. and six is greater than one. new flonase sensimist changes everything. this clean was like pow! everything well? my teeth are glowing. they are so white. step 1 cleans. step 2 whitens. crest [hd]. 6x cleaning*, 6x whitening*á i would switch to crest [hd] over what i was using before. you know new pantene.r tangles the minute you wash it? the first shampoo with active pro-v nutrient blends fueling hair 100% stronger that's instantly smoother and tangle free. because strong is beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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with motionsense technology... degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine... power... footwork... range... the more i move, the more it works. degree. it won't let you down. ♪ [beeping] ♪ wow. good to know we have that on our prius! ♪ [beeping] ♪ and lane departure alert. see what i mean? with so many safety features like pedestrian detection and lane departure alert, toyota doesn't need us test dummies as much. oh, i get it, man! hey, i gotta get my thrills somehow. the 2017 prius with toyota safety sense standard. toyota. let's go places. well it's a perfect nespresso hold on a second.orge.
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mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"] hey there. want a lift? ♪ where are we going? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? that's like lebron trying to pperform with old equipment.? foul! (blows whistle) upgrade your game to intel's fastest processor. ♪
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>> stephen: now performing "holding on," ladies and gentlemen, the war on drugs. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ once i was alive and i could feel ♪ i was holding on to you and i redefined the way i looked ♪ at dawn inside of you
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i went down a crooked highway ♪ ain't no way i'm gonna last hiding in the seams, i can't ♪ move the past feel like i'm about to crash ♪ riding on my line, keep keeping on ♪ once we were apart and i could see red ♪ never trying to turn back time never meant to bring my pain to ♪ the front and into your life ♪ now i'm headed down a different road
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♪ can we walk it side by side? is an old memory just another ♪ way of saying goodbye? ♪ ain't no way i'm gonna last hiding in the seams, i can't ♪ move the past feel like i'm about to crash ♪ riding the same line, i keep keeping on ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ i ain't never going to change he'll never get in line ♪ i keep moving on the path, yeah ♪ holding on to mine ♪ when you talk about the past what are we talking of? ♪ did i let go too fast? was i holding on too long? ♪ ain't no truths from the past as silent as the sea ♪ am i holding on too long? but you're right in front of me ♪ and i'm moving on a cast shadows on my seam ♪ i keep moving to changes, yeah ooh
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: their new album, "a deeper understanding" is out august 25! the war on drugs everybody! out august 25! the war on drugs everybody! we'l donald tmeet phil murphy,by former goldman sachs bankers. another wall street banker running for governor, whose firm helped trigger the financial meltdown that put millions out of work and out of their homes. murphy's trying to buy the election, paying off new jersey bosses. my name's john wisniewski, and i'm running for governor of new jersey. john wisniewski, the son of a millwright, who uncovered the bridgegate scandal and exposed chris christie's corruption. the choice -- insider wall street politics
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or main street, new jersey, values. i own my own company. i had some severe fatigue, some funny rashes. finally, listening to my wife, went to a doctor. and i became diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma ...that diagnosis was tough. i had to put my trust in somebody. when i first met steve, we recommended chemotherapy, and then we did high dose therapy and then autologous stem cell transplant. unfortunately, he went on to have progressive disease i thought that he would be
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a good candidate for immune therapy. it's an intravenous medicine that is going to make his immune system evade the tumor. with chemotherapy, i felt rough, fatigue, nauseous. and with immune therapy we've had such a positive result. i'm back to working hard. i've honestly never felt this great. i believe the future of immunotherapy at ctca is very bright. the evolution of cancer care is here. learn more at appointments available now.
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be selma hayek pinault, hasan minhaj, and musical guest feist. now stick around for james corden and his guests gordon ramsay and michael strahan. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the la,


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