tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS June 8, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
sleep captioning sponsored by cbs >> whoo! let's get this party started! mmm! mmm! >> i'd ask you to please stand. my god, he's a giant! no, you be quiet! >> the senate select committee on intelligence exists to certify for the other 85 members of the -- >> stephen: wow, it's like comey's in here with us. >> -- and has the necessary authority and tools to accomplish its mission and -- >> stephen: mr. chairman, can i jump in here? stephen colbert. i'd like to thank my colleagues for allowing me to be in here and i do call you my colleagues even though i'm not a senator and i'm only here because i want
a radio call in contest, where the hits are so old we replace their hips. what was i? right. mr. comey, is there any evidence that president trump colluded with russia. >> not a question i can answer in an open setting. >> stephen: what if we i had made a pillow, would you tell me in there? >> no. >> stephen: can you give me a hint? >> no. >> stephen: how about i ask a question in a different way. let's say you had anker orange cat, really fat and lies a lot. would the cat enjoy drinking vodka? >> difficult to say in the abstract. >> stephen: i admit that's a reach. we're not getting anywhere and security will drag me out. i'll make it easy. you don't have to respond with words. just signal in any way, did donald trump collude with the russians? ( laughter ) ( applause )
got it. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes john mulaney, richard branson and musical guest halsey, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! we're not going to let you hang there! what's wrong? jonathan, what's going on? ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thanks! have a seat!
you're very kind, ladies and gentlemen. folks, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert ( cheers and applause ) happy st. comey's day, everybody! of course, everybody celebrates comey day if their own way. we're kind of traditionalists around here. we watched tv and wrote jokes. everybody was looking forward to the former f.b.i. director testifying about all the juicy details of his meetings with donald trump. because, remember, comey wrote everything down. and all his memos are going to be collected in his new children's book: "james and the guilty orange." ( cheers and applause ) heart warming. a lost masterpiece. ( piano riff ) tim burton's going to make a movie of it. and now, your former f.b.i. director, standing six foot eight, out of the university of chicago, and out of a job, james comey!
( cheers and applause ) of course, it was important testimony. so they had to swear him in. >> please stand. ( laughter ) >> stephen: again, he's like six-eight. let's go back up here. ( laughter ) comey -- comey -- sorry. my eyes are up here. my eyes are up here. ( laughter ) comey opened by talking about why he thinks he lost his job. >> when i was appointed f.b.i. director in 2013, i understood that i served at the pleasure of the president. >> stephen: "and then when i read the russia dossier, and saw what gave the president pleasure, i thought: oh, no." ( laughter )
i'm a dig-dig-dig-dig--- allegedly. so, comey understood trump had the right to fire him, but he didn't buy the official explanation that it was how he treated candidate hillary clinton. >> that didn't make sense to me for a whole bunch of reasons, including the time and all the water that had gone under the bridge since those hard decisions had to be made. >> stephen: i remember that bridge. i think it's the one he threw hillary off to see if she was a witch. ( laughter ) and remember, she hit the water, she lost the election, so that means -- >> witch! a witch! >> stephen: thank you. that's our supreme court in action. ( laughter ) and comey wasn't that upset when he lost his job, but he didn't like it when trump went after his true love.
>> and although the law required no reason at all to fire an f.b.i. director, the administration then chose to defame me, and more importantly, the f.b.i., by saying that the organization was in disarray, that it was poorly led, that the workforce had lost confidence in its leader. those were lies, plain and simple. >> stephen: that would be a trump family law firm: "lies, plain, and simple." ( cheers and applause ) lies, plain and simple. and that's one of the biggest bombshells today-- comey flat out saying the president lied. in fact, comey said this when asked why he took such detailed notes: >> a combination of things. i think the circumstances, the subject matter, and the person i was interacting with. >> stephen: so the only things
that raised red flags about his meetings with trump were: where, why, what, and who. when was fine. anything specific about the person you were interacting with? and please be honest. >> i was honestly concerned that he might lie about the nature of our meeting. >> stephen: he thought trump might lie? that's that razor-sharp f.b.i. instinct. ( laughter ) ( applause ) fellas, look -- look, fellas -- i don't want to get out over my skis here, but i think this dead body might not be alive. ( laughter ) of course, with an accusation like that, you can't get that go unanswered. anything from the white house? >> i can definitively say the president is not a liar. >> stephen: okay. okay. but that's sarah huckabee sanders. does the president have anything
to say? >> i'm not a crook. >> stephen: oh wow. okay, good. good. i've got to say, he looks good. trump looks really good there. he's lost weight, and make up. ( laughter ) of course, this whole thing, including his firing, is really all about russian interference in the election. the president has called this whole thing fake news. what say you? >> do you have any doubt that the russian government was behind the intrusions, and the d.n.c. and the d.c.c.c. systems and the subsequent leaks of that. information? >> no, no doubt. >> do you have any doubt that officials of the russian government were fully aware of these activities? >> no doubt. >> stephen: what's your favorite '90s ska-punk band? >> no doubt. >> stephen: okay, yeah. pretty good. i go with that. ( applause ) that or sublime.
>> stephen: okay, seems clear enough. but is there any metaphorical way you could explain your lack of doubt? >> there should be no fuzz on this whatsoever. the russians interfered in our election during the 2016 cycle. they did it with purpose. they did it with sophistication. they did with overwhelming technical efforts and it was an active measures campaign driven from the top of that government. there is no fuzz on that. >> stephen: there it is. the russians hacked us, and the only way there could be less fuzz on it is if the brazilians hacked us. ( applause ) ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) and comey used a metaphor to explain his refusal to enter what he called "a patronage
relationship" with the president. >> the statue of justice has a blindfold on, because you're not supposed to be peeking out to see whether or not your patron is pleased or not about what you're doing. >> stephen: to be fair, you know trump never looked above her neck. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and the senators did not hold back with their inquiry. >> here's the question: you're big, you're strong. >> stephen: "can you open this jar of raspberry preserves. for me?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) then comey dropped a bombshell: he shared his own memos with the press. >> and finally, did you show copies of your memos to anyone outside of the department of justice? >> yes. i asked a friend of mine to share the content of the memo with a reporter. didn't do it myself for a variety of reasons.
i was worried, the media was camping at the end of my driveway at that point. i worried it would be like feeding seagulls at the beach if it was i gave it to the media. >> stephen: kind of insulting to the media. that they would never stop coming back if you gave them this thing. do they have a response? >> mine, mine, mine. ( laughter ) >> stephen: of course, they spent a lot of time on comey's one-on-one dinner with trump. how did that come about again? >> he wanted to have dinner because he wanted to stay on. i think he asked for the dinner. >> stephen: okay. director comey, is that how you remember it? >> no, he called me at my desk at lunch time and asked me, was i free for dinner that night. >> stephen: okay, but you don't have any details? >> and then he said, "how about 6:30." and i said, "whatever works for you, sir." and then i hung up and had to call my wife and break a date with her. i was supposed to take her out to dinner that night, and-- >> that's one of the all-time great excuses for breaking a date-- >> yeah.
in retrospect, i love spending time with my wife and i wish i had been there that night. ( laughter ) >> stephen: on the plus side, if you hadn't gone to dinner with him that night, you wouldn't have so much time to spend with your wife now. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) so, spending time with your wife. spending time with your wife. i applaud for that. the whole thing concluded with john mccain who proved he's a maverick when it comes to being able to understand him. >> i think that the american people have a whole lot of questions out there, particularly since you just emphasized the role that russia played. and obviously, she was a candidate for president at the time, so she was clearly involved in this whole situation where fake news, as you just described it: "big deal," took place. in other words, we're complete. the investigation of anything that former secretary clinton
had to do with the campaign is over, and we don't have to worry about it any more? >> with respect to sec-- i'm not-- i'm a little confused, senator. ( laughter ) >> stephen: not as much as he is. ( laughter ) how was trump feeling during this? we don't know. trump said he was going to live-tweet. and he didn't. which means reince priebus and steve bannon managed to keep tossing trump's phone back and forth the entire time. ( laughter ) (trump voice) give it to me. give it. give it. quit it. quit it. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) in fact, there was a whole team at the white house assigned to keep trump busy thursday morning with meetings so he wouldn't watch tv and tweet during the hearing. but they weren't optimistic, saying, "if he wants to watch it, it's not like we can say, 'oh, the tv doesn't work'."
oh, yeah, he's way too smart to fall for that. have you tried turning the lights off and telling him he's blind? ( laughter ) so there's nothing you can do. the president is going to watch tv. that's why we asked our team from "real news tonight" to help distract the president during the testimony: >> welcome to realize tonight. our top story today, there's no reason to watch james comey's testimony right now. >> no reason at all. he's a stupid tall doc. >> and unemployed. the white house freezer is broken and the chefs need to eat all the ice cream before it melts. nyum nyum. >> and look at those. ice creamies, look at them. keep looking as them. for a developing story, we go to our hot eighties aerobics
girl. >> james comey exploded. gone forever. don't check twitter. coming up next, look at the keys, they're shiny and jangly. ( applause ) >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. john mulaney is here. but when we come back, i'll be over there talking about the eric trump scandal. stick around. chevy is the most areally...r company three years in a row. let's see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. kelley blue book 2016 best resale value... u.s. news best car for the money. 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go! 2017 iihs...top safety. 2017 north american car of the year! that's a lot of awards! now through june 12th, get 0% financing for 72 months on all 2017 chevy tahoe models. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
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well, welcome back, everybody. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) you know, folks -- i spend so much time talking about donald trump's scandals that i thought i'd take a break and talk about something else -- eric trump scandals. flap flap because there's breaking news about donald trump's second son and odo from "deep space nine," eric trump. for more than a decade, he's had a charity called the eric trump foundation, which has used golf outings to raise money for children with cancer. but now forbes is reporting that donald trump actually shifted some of that charity money into his business. so eric trump's foundation took money -- ( audience reacts ) it gets better. so eric trump's foundation took money meant for kids with cancer. not only that, but a lot of those kids had to meet eric trump. how it worked was that eric would hold events on trump
courses, and tell donors that because he got free use of the courses, all proceeds would go to st. jude's hospital. but it turns out the courses "weren't free." the trump organization received payments for using them, part of more than 1.2 million dollars of charity, money that never made it to st. jude's. ( audience reacts ) listen, listen -- come on. well, st. jude is the patron saint of lost causes. how's he with lost cash? forbes adds that "the listed expenses defy any reasonable cost justification for a one-day golf tournament," according to golf charity experts. ( laughter ) i just want to say, so for all you sociology majors out there whose parents want to know what you'll do with your degree, i've got three words for you -- golf-charity-expert. ( applause ) expert. expert.
now before you go hating on foundation head and beavis plus butthead, eric trump, keep in mind that this isn't totally his fault. apparently, when donald trump found out that eric's charity wasn't being billed for using the golf courses, he flipped out and said, "i don't care if it's my son or not-- everybody gets billed." by the way, "everybody gets billed" is also the republicans' replacement for obamacare. donald trump even donated funds from his foundation to eric's foundation that were then used to pay the trump organization, a move that, according to forbes, has more in common with a drug cartel's money-laundering operation than a charity's best practices. oh, i think -- listen, i think comparing the trump family to drug dealers is a little unfair. drug dealers make you feel good. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) i've heard.
i'm not into that scene. but keep in mind, there has been a lot of good done by foundation head and skeleton child from "nightmare before christmas," eric trump. his charity has raised millions of dollars for sick children, plus they're close to finding a cure for whatever don jr. has that prevents him from closing his mouth. eric lashed out at his critics, tweeting, "i have raised $16.3 million dollars for terminally ill children at @stjude with less than a 12.3% expense ratio. what have you done today?" today? well... ah... oh, i found out about sick kids are getting ripped off by voldemort with hair. we'll be right back with john mulaney. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ the earth is a very small stage... ♪ in a vast cosmic arena.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you, jon! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to "the late show" already in progress. folks, my first guest tonight is a very funny standup comedian and a very funny elderly star of "oh, hello" on broadway. please welcome john mulaney! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) nice to see ya. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you. how are you? >> nice to see you, stephen. >> stephen: haven't seen you in a long time. 2016 was the last time you were here. >> i did the show then. i've seen you since then but you did not see me. >> stephen: where were you? and that's deeply creepy. >> stephen: where were you? i was in your bushes. that's a deeply creepy way to start any kind of sentence. >> stephen: you've seen me but i haven't seen you. >> i've seen the back of your head. >> stephen: that doesn't make me feel any better.
>> and the back of your wife's head, let me be clear. >> stephen: okay, good. do you recall the met gala at the metropolitan museum of art? >> stephen: oh, yeah, the fundraising thing they do for their -- yeah. >> it's prom. you and your beautiful wife were in the line and me and my beautiful wife were right behind you for about half an hour and i never said hello. >> stephen: why didn't you say ould>> have loved to have somebody to talk to. >> it became too late to say hello at a certain point. i knew it was you. i was, like, it's colbert. my wife said, hi. i said, what if he turns and goes, like, this is real life. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm totally bull (bleep) you right now by saying i like you. >> so frien friendly on air. >> stephen: right. but when you're in the
egyptian room at the met, he turns on you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i was nervous behind the people in front of me because i was behind claire foy who plays in the crown and felicity jones from rogue one, the two of them were in front of me. >> stephen: did you say hi to them? >> i said hi to claire foi because she had been on the couch here. >> oh, so you do talk to people off the show? >> stephen: yeah. do you want to go to the met the tomorrow? ( laughter ) i had just blown it, too. i was also in a state. before i walked into the event, i said to my wife, who's the one person you want to meet? she said kim kardashian. i said, great answer. we were in the long line and i said artist jeff kountze. i uh said, anna, it's jeff kountze. and kim kardashian was walking this way and i said that, kim gets spooked and keeps watching
and my wife doubles over and is laughing and said, you blew it! >> stephen: he sh's like a forest animal, you have to get like in a blind and wait for her to come through at dawn. ( laughter ) >> she got away -- >> stephen: sure. she didn't fall into your snare? ( laughter ) >> this is serial killer. she got away, but i won't be foiled again, stephen. >> stephen: well, please say hello next time. >> i will say hello. >> stephen: you are a busy man next time. you've got so much going on. you've got a new album out, you've got a new tour, "oh, hello" on broadway which you invited me to. that is going to come out on netflix. >> soon, in a couple of days. the album is out in a couple of
days. >> stephen: you're a comedian, you put out a comedy album, why on vinyl? >> why on vinyl? >> stephen: is it just warmer? i actually haven't seen it before is that you literally haven't seen your own album? >> no, because we have a bunch of copies for you but my apartment is too small so i sent them to my friend's place. this is to great. >> stephen: it's a mary tyler moore thing on front. >> yeah, we modeled it after jazz albums. it's a real record. >> stephen: it's a real not beg gars banquet inside, it's actually your album. >> i'm trying to go backwards in terms of rail vans -- so broadway, vinyl, then i'll so a puppet show at ellis island. >> stephen: for the immigrants. >> for the immigrants! >> stephen: and they're, like, ah, we're going to head back to the old country. >> our eyes are not filled with wonder at your puppet show and then i'll introduce a dogger
type. >> stephen: i didn't know it was pronounced that way. >> is it digera type? >> stephen: i think so. well, edit that out, too, please. >> stephen: for my monologue. no, that's just an expression. >> stephen: that's just an expression. >> that's show business talk. >> stephen: do you use show business talk with your wife? my wife and i like to say to each other, if one of us is trying to cheer up the other one, the other one doesn't want to be cheered up, we say that's not playing to this camera. >> that is ultra specific. >> stephen: yeah. did your wife direct the mike douglas show or something? >> stephen: merv. merv. >> stephen: you just went to japan, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: what's that like. got to go to japan. >> stephen: for business or pleasure? >> just for pleasure and to see japan. my wife had been before and i had never been. i loved it. i am not -- i would rather in
life be polite than do anything. so, like, if you and i were walking through a doorway, i would go like thissened and if you went like that, i would go like that, and if you went like that, it would go on for an hour. in japan, there's a sense of etiquette that so jibes with me where, like, you would rather, like, just curl up into a ball than ever offend anyone. and i'm very bad at walking around the streets as a human being -- >> stephen: anywhere or japan? anywhere, but i did well in japan because it was like excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. ( laughter ) i was there with my wife all day long walking around because i want everyone to like me. i once said hello to balloons because they were in my peripheral vision, i and i thought, better safe than sorry, hi! it was balloons. so we went to a best buy --
>> stephen: they still have those. >> the guy said, do you have a best buy rewards card? i said, no, i wish! my wife said, oh, my god and walked over to the printers and stood facing away from me. the guy said, do you want a best buy rewards card? and i said, no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so when you were over there, did you have to explain what was going on in america to them? >> they had seen the news. >> stephen: they had seen the news. >> but they were trying to feel us out. they were, like, so, are you happy with recent developments? ( laughter ) and we were, like, no, we're not, you know. we're nice people. and not that you're not nice, you know -- i'm going on national tour -- not that you're not nice -- >> stephen: you just don't like nice people. >> we're fun and nice, we like
david bowie and we don't understand taxes. >> stephen: right. they said, are you sad, are you scared? i said, no, we're not, like, sad. i'm an optimistic person about it all so i tried to explain it all to them that, to me, it's like there's a horse loose in a hospital. ( laughter ) like i think everything's going to be okay but i have no idea what's going to happen next. and, like, none of you know either. like, we've all never not known together and, so, on the news, they're, like, we have a man here who once saw a bird in an airport. we're, like, get the hell out of here, this is a horse loose in a hospital, and we're all, like -- ( applause ) it's not good. >> stephen: there are worse things. but there are worse things. >> yes, but it's confusing. >> stephen: yes. because every day we just have to follow the horse, and some days it's, like, the horse used the elevator.
you know those days where you're, like, is the horse smart? ( laughter ) and then we're all just, like, why hasn't the horse catcher caught the horse? and the horse is, like, i have fired the horse catcher. and you're like -- ( applause ) that shouldn't be a thing! >> stephen: is this called the comeback kid? >> the comeback kid. >> stephen: john mulaney, the album is the comeback kid, "oh, hello" on broadway comes out next tuesday on netflix. hello" on broadway comes out next tuesday on netflix. back with richard branson! here! it's been month after month of fiber. weeks taking probiotics! days and nights of laxatives, only to have my symptoms return. (vo) if you've had enough, tell your doctor what you've tried and how long you've been at it. linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs
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please welcome sir richard branson! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: nice to see you. nice to see you, too. >> stephen: been a long time since we sat down and had a conversation together. >> no fire extinguishers around? >> stephen: no, last time we were together you hit me in the face with a fire extinguisher and before that you threw water if my face. >> you were a different personality in those days. i'll prepare you. >> stephen: exactly. you're the same. ( laughter ) now, um, you have had an experience a lot of people are jealous of. after president obama left office, he went down to your island necker and this is the
two of you just frolicking together on the back of your boat. what's it like? you're a very competitive man. you don't become president without being a competitive man. what's it like engaging in sporting activities against two of the most competitive men i've ever met? >> well, he is very competitive, but he was also extremely relaxed, having just then stepped down from the white house the day before. he had eight years of -- that he wants to take out on the water, which he hasn't been able to do for eight years. >> well, i'm glad he's relaxed. everybody in america is not quite as relaxed. >> he obviously -- yeah, he tried not to ruin a good holiday by saying what was going on in the white house, so he decided he would have a real holiday, which he did, and he had a lot of fun. i mean, there was nothing he could do about it, so he spent
eight years building, i think doing a fantastic job. ( applause ) he had no wish on this holiday to see his work being -- you know, being undone. >> stephen: i can understand that. you very kindly invited me to come down to necker once about ten years ago and i was not available at the time and you never invited me again. ( laughter ) just curious if i lost my email or -- ( laughter ) looks fun is what i'm saying. >> the trouble is you saw this rather pretty lady on my back kiting and you wanted to do the same on my back and i didn't really fancy you on my back. >> stephen: pretty naked lady. and i didn't want you to follow suit on my back. >> stephen: i'm willing to wax first. ( laughter )
let's talk about space for a second. you have got virgin orbit. you're putting up a satellite, right? what are you guys putting up and when? >> well, we're putting up a company called one web, a big bg array of satellites, maybe two and a half million satellites around the earth to connect the 4 billion people who are not connected. >> stephen: in one lawn snch. a series of launches, yeah. >> stephen: wow. space exploration, space industry, if any way, i'm addicted. i wish you well. do you ever get mad elon musk gets so much ink for his falken rocket because he's the darling of the press with that thing. >> elon musk is a friend and has done some extraordinary things and we hope virgin galactic will be up there competing, putting people into space next year. >> stephen: do you like the
bazos guy? >> the three of us are competing in this area for people who want to go to space. who would like to go to space? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i have a question, what is it about the three of you, billionaires, what is it you know that makes you want to flee the planet? >> this man you say called trump -- >> stephen: i've heard, yeah. o mars, i hear, is a really hospitable, beautiful planet, and, so, we're building a craft and we thought we might give him a free ticket. >> stephen: oh, it's exclusive, right? ( cheers and applause ) tell peabout world oceans day. what is that and how can people participate? >> well, today is world oceans day. >> stephen: oh, congratulations. happy world oceans day. >> yeah, we're working hard to try to get 30% of the oceans
protected. so if you can protect areas of the oceans, fish can replenish and then future generations will be able to eat forever. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's -- tremendously stocks have plummeted unfortunately. >> unfortunately the oceans have a lot of big problems. another big area we're working on is plastic. let me just show you. this is a plastic jacket. >> stephen: all right. these are made out of fish nets. >> stephen: this is recycled plastic. >> yeah. i've got -- hang on. where are you going? all plastic. and -- ( applause ) and i live on an island, and we have the great swimming costumes. ( cheers and applause )
come around, come around. come around. ( cheers and applause ) what do you think? ( laughter ) oh, that's cheating! that's cheating. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: world oceans day is today! get involved in your own way! sir richard branson, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by halsey. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) tomorrow. [ eerie music playing ] it takes a monster... she did something to me. ...to defeat a monster. the essence of evil calls to you now. the mummy. rated pg-13. well it's a perfect nespresso hold on a second.orge. mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"] hey there. want a lift? ♪
where are we going? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? dearthere's no other way to say this. it's over. i've found a permanent escape from monotony. together, we are perfectly balanced. our senses awake. our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but they say...if you love something set it free. see you around, giulia
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jim gaffigan, anna chlumsky, and louie anderson. now stick around for our friend james corden in london, with his guests, david beckham and emily blunt. good night! ( cheers and applause ) ( captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way