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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 26, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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see you tomorrow captioning sponsored by cbs hi, i'm stephen colbert. there have been some rumors lately that i'm in russia. that's ridsic lus. after all the vinings i've said about vladimir putin, i would be crazy to go to moscow, so please, i'm in new york. if i wasn't, where i woo i get a new york yankees hat. why would i have a new york hot dog? how would i have printed out yesterday's copy of "the new york times"? (speaking russian). >> stephen: grassia, senorita. now i'm going to go to a knicks game. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. tonight he welcome welcomes michael keaton, zooey kazan and tom shilue, featuring jon
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batiste and stay human. and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: whooo! (cheers and applause) whooo! thanks. good to see you! (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the late show, i'm your host, stephen colbert. man, it is good to be back in the u.s.a. (cheers and applause) i don't know if you knew this, but i was in russia last week. you know who did know i was in russia? russian intelligence. (laughter) hard-core fans, evidently,
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followed me everywhere. also got some attention from american intelligence. a couple guys seemed to pop up wherever we went. you know, but it's important to keep your eye on a comedian while he is in russia, you know, doing jokes, you know, i could be over there, i could be giving state secrets to the russians. oh wait, somebody's already got that covered. my apologies. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: somebody's watching that guy, someone should investigate-- anyway, we just got back last night, this is true, so i'm still on moscow time. and we shoot this show six hours before broadcast. and moscow is seven hours ahead, which means my body is one hour later, which i think makes me james corden right now. (laughter) anyway-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's not bad, that's fun, that sounds fun, drive around, singing some song. that would be nice. anyway, we shot for days. how many, we shot like 13 hour
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days. we shot like four or five pieces. for the most, the most amazing people, the russian people were lovely, in the most incredible locations,ed an we're going to have a whole week of that coming up. i will show you a little of my trip later in the show. but while russia was fascinating, it is sincerely wonderful to be back in america. (applause). >> stephen: beautiful, yeah. america. the friend lee confines, as we call it. and let's see what everybody is talking about here, oh, that's right, russia. there is more election hacking news. according to the wash upon-- washton post, barack obama knew about the plot last suggest and that it was based on putin's specific instructions to defeat or at least damage the democratic nominee, hillary clinton, and help lech her opponent donald trump. and putin was successful. the only person who did more damage to hillary clinton's campaign was hillary clinton.
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now reportedly, reportedly obama agonized over what to do. he even authorized the planting of cyberweapons, the digital equivalent of bombs, the digital equivalent of bombs, i think, i'm not sure. i think that means they were playing minesweeper. right? >> jon: right. >> stephen: that's how you frame, you got to hack into the system. >> stephen: at one point obama personally warned putin that we knew what he was doing and he had better stop or else, yeah. or else! adding i will turn this global economy around, mister. don't make me come back there! but in the end, obama did fog before the election, and afterwards only imposed sanctions, but even those who helped design them say were largely symbolic. yeah, just symbols. he sent this text. you hacked our election, frowny face. now a huge eggplant is
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president. of course-- (cheers and applause). >> jon: they're symbolic. >> stephen: just symbolic. symbolic. of course, president trump is a well-known russia hacked the election denier. remember what he said in december. >> according to "the washington post," the cia has concluded that russia intervened in the election to help you win the presidency. your reaction. >> i think it's ridiculous. i think it's just another excuse. i don't believe it, no, i don't believe that at all. >> stephen: yes, he saw "the washington post," but he doesn't believe in the hacking. so naturally when he saw this "washington post" story his reaction was completely consistent with all his previous statements. i'm just kidding. plaf (laughter) he tweeted, just out, the obama administration knew far in advance of noafer 8th about election meddling by russia. did nothing about it.
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why? (laughter) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's right. that's right, there was no russian hacking, period, fake news. wait, it was obama's fault. russia stole our election and obama let it happen. thanks, obama. no, seriously, thanks obama, i'm president now, thanks. and the tweet storm did not end there. since the obama administration was told way before the 2016 election that the russians were meddling, why no action? focus on them, not t. wait, wait, what? (laughter) t time, wait, who, who the hell is t. who is t. you know there is already a letter for when are you talking about yourself, it's "i." as in i don't believe anyone calls you t. you can't give yourself a
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nickname. (cheers and applause) >> he should have went with a d. >> stephen: and prez t is taking his new identity very seriously. check out his new official presidential photo. very nice. (laughter). >> jon: i pity the 23508. >> stephen: that's right, i pity the fool. and trump saying-- oh, it's not just the-- travel that is exhausting me right now. and trump saying we should investigate the obama administration and he knows exactly what they did. >> the reason that president obama did nothing about russia after being notified by the cia of meddling is that he expected clinton would win dot dot, dot dot dot, and did not want to rock the boat. he didn't choke, he colluded or obstructed, and it did the dems
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and crooked hillary no good. hold on. nobody is accusing obama of colluding or obstructing. that's your deal, okay. okay? (cheers and applause) you can't accuse him of your thing. okay? that would be like someone accusing you of inspiring hope. it just doesn't fit. all right. he also-- it wouldn't be right. it wouldn't be right. it would not be right. >> that's not right. >> he also tweeted, the real story is that president obama did nothing after being informed in august about russian meddling with four months looking at russia dot dot dot, dot dot, under a magnifying dplas. they have zero tapes of t people colluding. there is no collusion and no on stluks. i should be given apologies.
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you know what-- no no, no no, look, i'm a big enough man to apologize. and i think i speak for the majority americans when i say i'm sorry you're president. (cheers and applause) but-- it is good to be home. but it's a good thing, it's a good thing trump's tweeting because we're not getting a lot of information from white house press secretary and man wondering why his sandwich is taking so damn long, sean spicer. spicer banned cameras from last week's briefings, and then banned them again today.
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evidently while i was in russia, we turned into russia. (laughter) i don't know how long this is going to go on, but with cameras banned from the briefing cnn sent a court room sketch artist to cover spicer's briefing. yeah, yeah, something tells me it won't be the last member of the trump administration we see in a court room sketch. (cheers and applause) also, also, he looks really good, he looks fantastic. he's chis eled in that sketch. also, if you take a look at the right, on the right side, you can see the artist even included a drawing of the cameraman who was not allowed to film this press conference. so counting sean, that's a sketch of two people not doing their jobs. but it turns out-- two, two. but it turns out that was not the only artist who was sent there. yes, cnn sent a court room sketch artist but six flags sent
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a caricature artist. here's one done by cartoonist scott adams, that's spot on. hates his job. and there were fine artists there too, here is spicer finding out about donald trump's latest tweet. and tough job, tough job. and while they did not allow photography, the press briefing was recreated by famed child portrait artist anne geddes. so adorable. unbelievably adorable. eat them up. and it wasn't just sean spicer. luckily there was a painter on hand to capture the moment steve bannon stopped by to chew out the press. we've got a great show for you tonight. michael keaton is here. when we return i will-- (applause)
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he's got a condo. he's got a car. he's got a career. but that still doesn't mean he gets you. time to shine. orbit.
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>> stephen: hey. welcome back, everybody, give it up for jon batiste and stay human, right there. that man. (applause). >> jon: whooo! >> stephen: you know, jon, it is fantastic to be back, you know. i've taken the show overseas before. i've never wanted to be home more than this. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: again, absolutely lovely people. it's just a little weird, just a little weird over there. because you know there are some things you can't say, places you can't go. you know people are watching you, you know. and as i told you before, when i was standing over there, the top story in the news is high level americans have ties to russia. but this time the ties were me.
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because i was over there until last night. and we've been planning this trip for months. i mean there's so many details. we're going to have a whole week of stuff to show you that i shot over there. and the wol thrip was supposed to be top secretary et-- secret. i'm serious. (laughter) i wanted to get over there and get back before anybody knew. and some traitor leaked that i was over there, luckily after an exhaustive search, we have found the leaker. it was me. (laughter) i-- i apologize to me. i owe me an apology. i tweeted about it. i will never trust me again. that right there, that's me in front of st. petersburg winter palace, or as they call it tsar-a-lago. and while i was-- and while i was in saibt petersburg i was a
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guest on the russian late night talk show evening urgant t is hosted by the very talented ivan urgant, ivan i presume is russian for jimmy, i'm not entirely sure. but for those of you not familiar with late night tv in russia, it might seem a little foreign. let me explain it to you. a white male host does some monologue jokes then sits behind desk to interview celebrities. it works over there show, i'm not sure. and while talking to ivan i accidently made some news on purpose. >> i'm here to announce that i am considering a run for president in 2020. and-- (cheers and applause) and i thought it would be better to cut out the middle man and just tell the russians myself. if anyone would like to work on my campaign in an unofficial capacity, please just let.
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>> stephen. >> stephen: now, cut that off right there. cut that off right there. (laughter) we'll have the whole damn thing a little later on in our week of russian shows. now to be clear, all i said in that little clip there was that i was considering a run. if i decide to run, obviously i'm not going to ask the russians to help my campaign, okay. i would have my sonl ask them. -- my son in law ask them. hello, moscow. come in, moscow. but i want to say thank you to all the people we met in russia from the government agents following us every day to the extras from john wick with the full sleeve of tattoos triangulating in the lobby, okay, including one of these goons right outside my door, okay. so i really want to thank our pharmaceutical industry for helping me sleep at night.
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and like president trump, i can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any other tapes of what i did in russia. i did not personally make any such recordings. but i'm pretty sure my crew did. and we learned a lot. and you will too. we'll be right back with michael keaton. (laughter) (applause) glang guyscause this is my jam.n... showtime! ♪tell it to my heart ♪tell me i'm the only one... nailed it tim, nailed it.
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latches onto youry finger so hard, it's like she's saying i love you. that's why aveeno's oat formula is designed for your baby's sensitive skin. aveeno®. naturally beautiful babies. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, to our program. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest has played batman and birdman. he now stars in a new spiderman. please welcome the man, michael keaton. (cheers and applause) .
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(applause). >> stephen: i met this guy. >> thank you. >> stephen: you met jon. >> i did. remember, with winton mar salist and i think christian mcbride was there the duke ellington thing. >> jon: i remember that. >> like three years ago, something like that. >> jon: about two years ago. >> there was this thing at lincoln center. and i was asked to host the thing or emcee this thing. man, there were like kids that were like ten years old. >> i know. >> crazy, just playing stuff that was unbelievable. and i saw him and i went are you kidding me. when i saw he was your band
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leader. >> stephen: he is very mature for a 12 year old. >> jon: i've got to get the facial hair together. >> there was a trombone player kid. >> jon: oh yeah. >> and. >> then joey was there playing, nice. >> we're just going to talk. >> stephen: okay, fine. he goes trombone, he goes oh yeah, yeah, that guy. that say really good trombone play thary can make sounds with that. >> that is kind of amazing. >> stephen: isn't that pretty. >> looks like jerry garcia's t-shirt. >> stephen: yeah, that's-- that's our pride dome today. >> yeah. >> stephen: now. >> it's nice to meet you, we've never met. >> stephen: yeah, well, i mean you're a big famous movie star, live in los angeles. >> i'm too big, in other words. >> stephen: well, you're very busy and i'm very busy. we sort of met at one of those big famous things, those famous events. i don't go to those.
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do you go to those? >> i always imagine they are like fun things that famous people are doing. >> i think we're definitely missing out. >> stephen: oh really? >> oh yeah. >> stephen: who is there, like clooney and pit. >> an we're like home. we're just-- home. >> stephen: as long as you keep working because i've been a fan of yours since night shift as i was saying backstage. if you haven't seen it worth going back and seeing it. the batman movies, clean & sober, birdman, spotlight, the range of work is amazing. >> thanks. >> stephen: so when you say michael keaton, everybody knows michael keaton. but i found out are you not michael keaton. >> correct. >> stephen: i did not know that, that is just a stage name. >> correct. >> stephen: you actually have another name, your real name you actually seuss use, tell the people what it is. >> my real make is doug-- douglas, michael douse las. immediately gets a laugh. >> stephen: so easy. >> yeah.
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my real name, and i got a gig, i was just starting out and i got this job and because of the union there was pike douglas who used to have a talk show. >> stephen: sure. >> and michael douglas, the movie star, actor. and somebody said well, you know, you have to change your name, i said i don't really want to change my name, i'm very proud of my name, by the way, i'm easing my name back into-- i'm trying to kind of ease it back in. because i'm proud of my name. so they said well, you know, you have to change your name. i said why. because there are two other guys in the union. so i changed my name. now what is great is i used my real name, michael john douglas for everything, except, you know, on a marquee or a gig, right. so people get very confused because there will be, you will be going somewhere and there will be a driver with a sign saying michael douglas and then i show up. and they look so confused.
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because-- . >> stephen: they're expecting to see. >> yeah, it would be one thing if you go oh, well, he's obviously not michael douglas who, you know, everyone knows michael douglas, wrus like a normal guy. then they go yeah, but wait a minute, i know-- . >> stephen: they think they're having a stroke. >> right. >> stephen: they don't know what is going on. >> exactly. >> stephen: why keaton. >> wait a minute, so what i will do, i will go, it used to be, i have to explain this. explain, now i don't even bother. i just kind of enjoy watching them just kind of go, wait. what's going on? who is he? i don't know, i was in a ks in the alphabet n the union, i thought-- . >> stephen: it wasn't like buster keaton or die ann keaton. >> however, i'm not just saying, a huge fan of both, truly t had nothing to do with that, i was in the ks in the alphabet, it is close enough, how about this, how about this, you know, one of those moments.
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at the time the brilliant michael jackson was certainly not down but remember that period where he was like, the jackson's like crazy, insanely tbreat, then there was a quiet spot until he blew up. >> stephen: yeah, between jacksons and off the wall. >> yes, somewhere right in there. >> stephen: i'm a fan. >> me too. so i thought you know, my middle name is john, you and i are from large families. >> stephen: large catholic. >> large irish catholic neams, a lot of nicknames, my middle name is john, they caused to call me john, johnny, jackson, i thought you know i will put michael jackson down. >> stephen: can you imagine. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah, can you imagine if the
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driver is holding a sign that said michael jackson and you showed up. that would be really confusing. >> yeah. (applause). >> stephen: okay, big irish catholic family. >> yeah. >> stephen: you were an altar boy. >> i know, have i watched the show. it was really kind of great being an altar boy, it was nerve-racking as well. >> stephen: but you got to wear a quleumple. >> yeah, man t was tbreat. >> stephen: and you got to hold the paten was the think-- back then there were patens, they don't use them any more. >> do you remember any latin any more. >> stephen: (speaking latin) which is the first thing the pees says when he come out, did i get it right. >> have i no idea, i don't remember any of this. -- . >> stephen: you didn't know that one i was going to say you're not really michael douglas, are you a pros tet-- protestant. so you've been batman, you've been birdman. >> mi batman, no, i know. >> stephen: i know. (cheers and applause)
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go ahead. >> stephen: and now you're in spiderman. >> i am. >> stephen: we have a clip here, can you tell me what is happening in this clip? >> i haven't seen this clip. but. >> stephen: okay, who do you play in the spiderman? >> what do you mean? >> stephen: which character do you play in the spiderman movie? >> spiderman. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, i'm spiderman-- yeah, i'm spiderman, watch the clip. why, what did you think i was. >> stephen: what? >> what did you-- . >> stephen: what did i think were you? i thought you were beetlejuice in this. no, no, no. >> let's let's find out together. jim?
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>>-- you don't understand. (applause). >> stephen: i believe you now. i can't tell who's talking. >> i'm pretty sure i'm spiderman. >> stephen: well, you're fantastic. i'm hearing tbreat things. >> it is good, actually, very good. >> stephen: so you've been, you know, again, it was like 30 years ago i saw you in night shift, have you livered in l.a. the entire time. >> i was living here for awhile. i used to work doing some playing in pitsberg and would
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come up here and audition and i was getting ready to move and moved to l.a but i was living out there when i did night shift, yeah. >> stephen: okay so you know, we were talking about doing the famous stuff that you don't do and i don't have time to do. >> you're too big for t i just don't get invited. >> stephen: well, your words, not mine. now they keep inviting michael keaton, and you're like who's that. what do you do, how do you get away from, like, from the world and relax. >> i don't know, i just live, i just live, i live in l.a. and i live in montana. >> stephen: what do you do in montana. >> it's gorgeous. i just came in from there. >> stephen: do you fly fish. >> do i. >> stephen: that is fantastic. >> for about 35 years i fished, i fish down on the grass flats of south carolina. ever fish there. >> stephen: my entire life. >> did you really. >> stephen: yeah, we called it red fish, spot tail, channel back. red drums, beautiful, i'm going down to go fishing there next week, actually.
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>> awesome. >> stephen: did you ever fish the black foot river s that what st. >> yeah, years ago, gorgeous. >> stephen: have. >> have you been out there. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> come out and fish sometime. >> stephen: i accept on camera >> i know, i know, so nice to meet you, michael john. spiderman home coming is in theaters july 7th. it's spiderman. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: we'll be right back with zooey kazan. ♪
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ouch!nd-aid® brand. our best bandage yet! drig never crur mind. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. my next guest tonight is a writer, an actress you've seen in it's complicated and olive kitteridge, she now stars in the big sick. >> i guess i'm going to go home. >> wait, wait, we haven't even
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had sex again yet. >> yeah, i'm just not that kind of girl, i only have sex once on the firs date. >> wow. >> you don't get that because you made fun of me. >> what is happening? what are you doing. >> i'm changing under. >> have i seen everything. did you remember, we were just having sex? >> yeah, but were you like in the throws of passion. listen-- thank you very much, i am just going to like call uber, go home and i hope-- just-- >> puts on his pants. >> stephen: please welcome zoe kazan. hello, thank you. hey. nice to you have here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: so you are what we in the industry call a triple
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threat. you are an actress, you are a writer, you've actually just written a play that's opening in the fall called after the blast. you wrote and acted in ruby sparks, an indy hit. olive kitteridge, it's complicated and you're also from a film dynasty, your mom and dad, they're oscar nominated. >> they're both screen writers and directors. >> stephen: wow. and your grandfather was the great elia kazan, on the water front, street car named desiree, face in the crowd. >> yeah, he actually had a-- (applause) >> he had a contract, he had to put the great before his meme always like a zar. >> stephen: i would feel bad if i didn't. how did you get into writing? was it just sort of like the family just expects you will be writing? >> yeah, i don't know. i was like a weird little kid. it was like tell stories with my stickers. so i think it was kind of-- you know, like a sphorree board, like the bunny is going to go over and eat the mushrooms.
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>> stephen: that's not a weird story unless it's a different kind of mushroom. >> right, right. i don't know, i feel like they really expected me to be a writer and were pretty disappointed and scared when i said i wanted to be an actor. >> stephen: that's right, because director writer, so actors for writers and directors is just paint on your brush. >> right, they are just marionettes. >> stephen: they're food animals. >> right. >> stephen: so how did you break it to them? >> i auditions forked school play and got like a lead part and came home and was like i'm an actor. >> stephen: how old are you? >> 14. >> stephen: oh yeah, yeah, it what was the play. >> it was the dining room by ar gurney who just passed like a week ago, it changed my life and it changed my parent's life for the worse. >> stephen: do they worry about you? because they know what showbiz is like. >> yeah, they're terrified, they're so scared. they're watching this, they're taping it because they don't
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stay up late. >> stephen: are they literally taping it or do you just buy them a dvr so they can. >> you're right. >> stephen: congratulations on the new film. we had kumail nan jani on last week, it is a brilliant comedy, hit of the summer right now it is what transformers would be if it were an indy about two people who meet-- and one of them gets terribly sick and gets into a medically induced coma. >> yeah, i think we actually have more robots than the actual transformers. >> stephen: now kumail nan jani wrote the movie with his wife who is emily gordon. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it hard to play the person you're depicting in front of them when you are making out and having sex with her husband? >> right, so just to clarify, it's based on a true story-- story. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so they're making me do all of these things. so it's a little bit her fall that i'm making out with her
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husband. >> stephen: so you walked on the set. >> yeah, just had to shoulder it, the catering, yeah, perfect. no, it is sounds a lot weirder than it was. probably the weirdest part about it is that it felt really normal. but like being an actor is a little bit like doing stockholm syndrome all the time, like you're in love with this stranger an you're yeah, sure, that's fine, i'm in love with a stranger. so it is within the realm of my actual life. >> stephen: do be clear, she's not a spy. >> to not a spy, a real normal person. >> stephen: but she was there when you were like. >> yeah. >> stephen: how would he feel about that? because i had him on the show, first time on he said he never even touched a woman's hand until he was 18. >> yeah, i would say like kumail is a real gentleman. and he asked emily his wife to leave when we made out because he didn't want her watching. and emily and i are kind of like, i think, a little more like, you know, anything goes, and so-- .
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>> stephen: a little more sex positive. >> yeah, sure, yeah, dan savage. so it felt, you know, she came into the dressing room, kumail asked me to leave. and i was like-- and then she left. >> stephen: now you, your character, emile se-- emily, she became sick and was put into a medically induced coma. >> yeah. >> stephen: and so what is that like to act in a coma? did you have to do a ride along first? like what is it-- how do you, as an actor how do you approach coma. >> well, as if you have never breathed normally in your life before because your only job is to lie there and be still and breathe normally and then all of a sudden you are like-- i don't know how to breathe. that you become really self-aware, it is really boring. i fell asleep many times and would wake up in the middle of takes and ruin the takes by waking up suddenly.
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and, the main thing is that i was attached to all these real medical devices that were actually taking my heart rate and stuff. so they could have monitors on set with images on them. >> stephen: so when i'm watching the movie and see the heart rate that is your heart rate. >> that is my heart rate, i think i they may have changed it because my heart rate is really good. she's supposed to be really scik. i was really strapped to these things and they are like you can't get up because it takes 15 minutes to unstrap you. so the crew would leave to go set up for the next take and i would just be stuck there for like 45 minutes on my own. so i would hide books under my back so that i could read in my hospital bed between coma takes. (laughter) it's more interesting than an actual coma, probably. (laughter). >> stephen: i'll take your word for it, i don't know, i hope you never fine out, how about that. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: it was lovely to meet you, thank you so much for being here. (applause) the big sick is in theaters now. zoe kazan, everybody.
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we'll be right back with comedian tom shilue. you can always compare rates on progressive.com. oh, that's nice, dear. but could you compare camping trips? because this one would win. all i want to do is enjoy nature and peace and quiet! it's not about winning. it's about helping people find a great rate even if it's not with progressive. -ugh. insurance. -when i said "peace and quiet," did you hear, "talk more and disappoint me"? ♪ do do do do ♪ skiddly do do ♪ camping with the family ♪ [ flame whooshes ] how was your vacation? hey, guys, what's this tomato doing at randy's desk? [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple.
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>> stephen: nostrovea. (applause) hey, everybody. welcome back. folks, my next guest is one of the few people who can list daily show correspondent and fox news host on their resume. please welcome tom shilue. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey man, good to see you again. now let me-- let us explain to the people here what i mean by that, is that you and i are in a very elite group. we worked for the daily show before swron stewart. >> the daily show. >> stephen: it was just called the daily show. >> with craig kill borne. >> stephen: what's that. >> heard of it? plaws plawses. >> stephen: now there are no-- i don't believe there are any existing tapes of that show. we actually tried to get them and there is nothing. >> i don't have anything.
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>> stephen: they ground up those old tapes and used them to fill in like children's playgrounds or something like that. >> yeah. but you, i used to learn from you because you were the new guy, remember they called you the new guy. >> stephen: yeah, it was brian you thinker, a whitney brown and then i was the new guy. >> but i learned from you because you had a way of interviewing people. you would gain their trust, so well. i mean and they shouldn't have trusted you. >> stephen: no. >> but you know. >> stephen: you know why, because they shuntd trust anyone in the press. >> yes. >> stephen: because it's all about getting your story, you know. and the press just lacks-- the press latches on to you like a ray and sucks and sucks and suck until your soul is dry as a crouton. they have to, they have to be able to tell the story. >> they knew, they knew they were going to be made fun of. but their desire to be on tv always trumped their desire not to look like a jerk, you know? >> stephen: right, well the camera lobotomizes anything it points at.
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>> yeah. >> stephen: in my opinion. so we both started at the daily show. i'm here, you went to fox news. we're like the bizarro twins. >> yes in its early days. >> like we're super heroes, wait who is the ef-- evil one. am i the evil one? >> stephen: i'm incapable of tbroaing a goatee, so i don't know. you are not the evil one but the conservative one. >> more than you, i think. >> stephen: probably in most ways n most ways. i'm not sure if i would like-- if my work would play on fox news. did you enjoy. like you did red eye, was that hard to do comedy on like one to 4:00 mt morning on fox news. >> it was great t was horsing around. i didn't really do sat ire, we just talk about the news and try to laugh about it. it was always supposed to be like bar conversation. >> stephen: did you get to drink. >> no, we didn't get to drink. >> stephen: that makes bar conversation much more interesting. >> i know. >> stephen: you have a book
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now, it is called mean dads for a better america, the generous rewards of an old-fashioned childhood. okay. so what kind of childhood did you have? >> traditional, catholic, northeast catholic. >> stephen: oh, same thing as michael douglas keaton. earlier. so-- how many brothers and sisters. >> there are five of us. >> stephen: that's healthy. >> a brother, three sisters. i was the fourth of five. >> stephen: okay. >> and so it was a great-- growing up, we were scared. with he were scared, that is why i say mean dad, tongue in cheek because me and my brother, we were afraid of the man. he would wake us up with his breathing. saturday morning he what wake us up-- . >> stephen: he would crouch over you and breathe. >> he would just breathe, yes, he had this breathe. >> stephen: that is like what a wolf does. my dad used to go down the hall banging the doors open and say get up, get up, the world's waiting for you with a club.
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>> see what i mean. >> stephen: yeah. >> but we turned out okay, that's what i am saying, it worked out. >> stephen: time will tell, time will tell. do you have kids of your own. >> yes, i have two daughters. >> stephen: and you are lovingly mean to them. >> i am, i'm trying to be a mean dad. but it's hard. it is hard to be it a mean dad. >> stephen: love gets in the way of meanness, dammity. >> it does. i try to bring a little of my dad. i'm not going to be like him. >> stephen: is he still with us. >> he is still with us. he is in the desert, he is probably watching us now. >> stephen: he sounds like a prophet. >> he would like that description. >> stephen: okay, okay. >> >> stephen: okay so how have you done the mean dad stuff. >> i'm trying to be a little bit more like my dad. like i say, he was like darth vaid we are a boston accent. i'm the work it out dad. like when my kids, we had to work everything out. we were strict, we had strict disciplinary-- discipline arian parents but most of our time was outside playing with kids. >> stephen: you had to go outside.
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>> yes, so i want my kids to work it out. they come crying to meerks so and so picked on me, i said go work it out, that is what my parns did. my mom would say hit him back. there was a bully in the neighborhood, she said so pudge him back so i punched him back. >> stephen: did that work? >> no, he beat me up but i think i felt good about it, i stood up for myself. >> stephen: sure, violence is the answer. >> well, sometimes. >> stephen: that is what mommy usually tell their sons. congratulations on the book, it is called mean dads for a better america. it's available now. the man is tom shilue everybody, from the daily show.
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>> stephen: that's it for the late show, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be eric stone streetd, john mcenroe and lillie mae. now stick around for james corden with jane fonda lily tomlin and taylor schilling. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from (unintelligible), give it up for your host, the one, the only

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