Skip to main content
Internet Archive's 25th Anniversary Logo

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 28, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EST

11:35 pm
>> president trump has wrapped up a busy day in china as he continues his five-nation trip through asia. ( "holiday road"/theme from "national lampoon's vacation" playing ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
11:36 pm
>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, trump's french faux pas. plus stephen welcomes: john mulaney. with a special appearance by jason segel. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! hey! ( cheers and applause ) there is nothing like-- there is nothing like a friday crowd, man. there is nothing like it in the world. ( cheers and applause ) they're lit. they're electric. welcome to "the late show."
11:37 pm
i'm your host, stephen colbert, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) it's been a heck of a week. it's been an interesting five days. this week saw the one-year anniversary of donald trump's election. >> audience: booo! >> stephen: give him a chance. ( laughter ) and we're still learning new reasons why we shouldn't have done it. ( laughter ) for instance, we just learned-- was it today or yesterday? yesterday. we just learned of this strange phone call that donald trump made the day after the 2016 election to then-french president and ripe brie with glasses, francois hollande. trump called to introduce himself to hollande, and the first thing he said was, "mr. president, i am delighted to talk to you. you are a great president, a great leader, a great man. it is such an honor." those are compliments trump usually reserves for the mirror. "you're a great president. ( laughter ) dad was wrong.
11:38 pm
people like you. that's your real hair. jobs, jobs, jobs. jobs, jobs, jobs." and hollande was especially confused, because during the campaign, trump's comments about france were mostly talking "le smack." >> a friend of mine, he said he was going to france, like, three, four months ago. i saw him yesterday. i said, "how'd you like france?" he said, "i wouldn't go to france. i wouldn't go to france, because france is no longer france." >> stephen: that's funny. that's what people say about the united states now. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) trump's next comments on his phone call with hollande showed his deep knowledge of french culture. "i love france. i love french people. i love your country. i love paris. i love your wine. i love--" before hollande cut him off. "hold on, let me keep going. i love your wine. i love your fries. i love your toast. i love your kissing, it's the
11:39 pm
best." hollande tried to steer the conversation to important topics like terrorism, the wars, and the climate, to which trump responded, "everything you want," before letting out a long "yeaaaahhhh." ( laughter ) so, for anyone who was still wondering if trump really takes his phone into the bathroom... there you go. ( laughter ) ( applause ) "yeeah! oh, yeeah." ( applause ) but that wasn't even the weird part of the call. that came when trump asked, "you know my country. you know many great americans. so let me ask you a question: could you help me with the recruiting of my new staff? i need recommendations." what? what? hollande can't tell you who to hire. that's putin's job. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) "vlad wouldn't care. he'd be cool with it. a little bit."
11:40 pm
although, advice from the french president would explain trump's first choice for secretary of transportation, baguette smoking a cigarette. ( laughter ) back on the home front, we're on the home front, right? okay, back on the home front, there's some controversy surrounding at&t's proposed take over of time warner. don't turn off your tv, okay? there's some trump in this story. you see, time warner owns the president's longtime nemesis: cnn. he's been at war with cnn ever since they started reporting the things he says and does. ( laughter ) trump-- yeah, not fair. trump even-- even threatened to stop the at&t merger last year during his campaign. >> at&t is buying time warner, and, thus, cnn, a deal we will not approve in my administration because it's too much concentration of power in the hands of too few. >> stephen: "now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go tell my son-in-law to fire bob mueller." ( laughter )
11:41 pm
( applause ) and this could be-- a lot of jared fans here tonight. a lot of jared fans. that's nice. he's a good kid "quality kid." and this could be his first campaign promise to actually come true, because yesterday we learned that trump's justice department told at&t that for the time warner merger to go through, the company has to sell cnn, a troubling allegation that would surely make jake tapper make his patented "jake tapper is disappointed in you" face. ( laughter ) but there could be one bright spot in the story, because if at&t does have to sell cnn, there is a chance that my network, cbs, might buy it. because recently, cbs chairman and man i'm not going to make a joke about, les moonves, said "cnn is a very worthy news organization. it's something that could enhance cbs." think about it: the cbs lineup
11:42 pm
could be filled with fun cnn spinoffs. i can't wait for shows like "young blitzer," and, "two broke don lemons." ( laughter ) continuing-- i'd watch that. i'd watch that show. continuing in the world of media, you might have heard from your facebook news feed that facebook is back in the news. they're battling what's known as "revenge porn." that's when someone like an ex- boyfriend posts naked pictures of a woman online to shame and humiliate her. it's despicable, and it gives a bad name to all the family- friendly porn out there. ( laughter ) well, facebook has a simple solution. they've just announced that in an effort to combat revenge porn, they're asking users to send the company their nude photos. now, before you dash off to do that-- ( laughter ) here's how it works: "users would send a message containing their nude images, which facebook will then make a fingerprint of, and stop others from uploading similar or
11:43 pm
identical pictures." that's just fighting fire with fire, okay. just like if you think an arsonist is going to burn down your house, you torch it yourself, naked, and then send the photos to facebook. because they're fine with it. ( applause ) after all, we know the nudes are just going to be automatically processed by some mindless algorithm, right after "facebook workers review full, uncensored versions of nude images first to determine if malicious posts by other users qualify as revenge porn." but it is a professional team headed by their chief of internet privacy, alan. ( laughter ) works late. he'll work as late as you want him to. >> jon: you know that alan! >> stephen: you know who doesn't like technology? pope francis.
11:44 pm
this week he told all his fellow catholics to "put down your phones in church," telling the crowd in st. peter's square, "it makes me very sad when i celebrate here in the piazza or in the basilica and see so many cell phones held up." you know what, i can understand the pope saying that, but i've got to wonder how god feels about this issue? >> what's that, steve? >> stephen: hey, it's god, everybody! say hey to the lord! >> hey buddy! that's right, jehovah in the je- house-vah. >> stephen: god, we were just wondering how you feel about people using cell phones in church. ( laughter ) god? >> oh, sorry, stephen, didn't catch that. a friend of mine just sent me a video of a cat stuck in a toilet. ha-ha, he doesn't like the water. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i'm sure that's hilarious, god, but don't you think cell phones are distracting people in church? >> come on, steve, even i know church can be kind of boring. it's hard enough gettin' butts in the seats.
11:45 pm
as long as people show up, let 'em stream a little "stranger things." oooh, reese witherspoon just followed me on twitter. maybe now i'll get verified! twitter's kind of over, though. i mean, come on, 280 characters? what is this, leviticus? ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, god, you really know your stuff. >> yeah, i'm really up on the apps. haven't had much luck on tinder, though. one woman said my profile pic looked like kenny rogers. better take another one. duck face! ( laughter ) oooh, sexy. i'm glad i created ducks. >> stephen: so, god, is social media the best way to reach you these days? >> well, my prayer inbox is full, but you can slide into my d.m.s anytime. >> stephen: that's good to know. >> whatever you do, though, don't send me a linkedin request or you're goin' straight to hell. >> stephen: god, everybody. we've got a great show for you tonight. john mulaney is here. but when we return, a bad movie with all the biggest stars. for real. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
11:46 pm
that cough doesn't sound so good. take mucinex dm. i'll text you in 4 hours when your cough returns. one pill lasts 12 hours, so... looks like i'm good all night! why take 4-hour cough medicine? just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. let's end this. between the bike rides and the fort making, you're a family of master adventurers? meet your new partner in crime. hey google, play mickey mouse adventure. mickey mouse: will you help me? you know it. mickey: hot dog! i knew i could count on you! family time. like only google can. hi, i'm just looking at my account, and i've got all this extra cash back. yep. that's your cashback match. only discover will automatically match
11:47 pm
all the cash back new cardmembers earn at the end of their first year. you matched everything i earned this year? yeah. whoo! more money! more money! it's all very exciting. i'm going to spread the news! spread it wide! it's cashback match people! people! you know that. you all work here. new cardmembers get a dollar-for-dollar match at the end of their first year. only from discover. directv has been rated number one in customer satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. but some people still like cable. just like some people like wet grocery bags. getting a bad haircut. overcrowded trains. turnstiles that don't turn. and spilling coffee on themselves. but for everyone else, there's directv.
11:48 pm
for #1 rated customer satisfaction over cable, switch to directv. and for a limited time get a $100 reward card. call 1-800-directv new charmin ultra soft! it's softer than ever. new charmin ultra soft is softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. enjoy the go! with charmin! it's the one time of yearis weekend at kohl's friends & family take an extra 25% off! give joy with outerwear for her boots for him and stockings for the family! plus get kohl's cash! and remember - friends & family take an extra 25% off. give joy, get joy at kohl's.
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! jon batiste and stay human! >> jon: i'm doing fine! >> stephen: jon, you know what this is. i don't have to tell you. i don't have to tell you what this is. it is friday night here in america at "the late show." that means we are just one show away of sitting down with joe biden on monday, and elton john, who is going to be interviewed and do two songs, right? unbelievable. second song, second song-- and i haven't verified this-- but i'm going to try to get joe biden to do "hold me closer tiny dancer" with elton jon.
11:51 pm
>> jon: wow, this would be nice. >> stephen: wouldn't that be amazing. incredible. i think he has to do it now because i announced it. >> jon: it's official, it's official. >> stephen: anyway, folks, this is no secret, i love movies. and one of the biggest movies this week is "bad moms christmas." i think it's great when a sequel can transcend the original and add a holiday, like "godfather 2: happy fredo-ween!" but "bad moms christmas" is a perfect example of the latest cinematic trend: so many movies that come out are bad-- but not "bad" in the sense that they don't make sense or are about "transformers," no. they literally have "bad" in the title. there was "bad santa," "bad grandpa," "bad teacher," to say nothing of "bad lieutenant," "bad words," "bad santa 2," "bad grandmas," and, of course, the original, "bad moms." and i'll tell you right now, if i see this new movie and one of those bad moms doesn't sleep with that bad santa, what are we even doing here? ( laughter )
11:52 pm
and that's not even getting into all the "bad" synonyms like "horrible bosses," and "dirty grandpa," who, by the way, is totally different from "bad grandpa." it's like a tortoise-turtle situation, it's very technical. well, i assumed this trend had completely run it's course until i saw this new trailer. check it out. >> i'm sorry, been a long night, if you know what i mean. >> i think so? >> but, hey, that's me. i love drugs and sex, and saying cuss words, and i don't play by anybody's rules. >> can we talk about why i'm here? >> oh, heck, yeah. time to do some (bleep) cardiology. >> it's bad cardiologist. >> i can't make it to surgery because i'm having sex with models. your left, my right. okay. sorry. i'm currently very drunk. >> and if that movie turns a profit-- and it will-- then get ready.
11:53 pm
>> here's your chi latte. >> i ordered a soy machiato. >> i'm sorry-- >> ellie kemper is >> let me fix that for you, your highness, i must have misheard you because of your fat, stupid face! >> horrible barista. >> no, i didn't get your name wrong. your name's... gerb now. deal with it, gerb! >> wait, we thought of more jobs people can do badly like jessica williams as "terrible notary." >> honestly, i don't know what my job is, either. i'll stamp anything. >> and c.g.i. movies make a lot of money, right? andy serkis is... bitchy giraffe. >> when i asked valerie to be my maid of honor, i didn't realize she was going to gain all that neck weight. bitch, please. >> we've got more adjective combinations, like, underwhelming nephew. athletic haberdasher. shrill zookeeper. young pope. dumb 18th century sea captain. and chris o'dowd as adjective noun. >> that's right. an unbelievably adjective noun. is this really the whole thing? because this is-- this is
11:54 pm
nonsense. >> and what kind of character would think these are all a good idea? find out, thanksgiving 2020 in incompetent movie executive, starring bob odenkirk. >> no, now, look, bad and horrible and terrible-- that is all last year. this year, it's all about baby. baby driver, baby boss, so, next year, i'm thinking... >> you're doing my triple bypass? ♪ ♪ >> "bad baby cardiologist." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i didn't know that was the end! i didn't know. we'll be right back with john mulaney. i thought there was a tag! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) it's red lobster's new ultimate surf & turf event. get ready these 5 pairings are gonna floor ya. like our new feast with lobster-wrapped scallops and a juicy sirloin, plus a savory lobster-and-shrimp smashed potato. and our new lobster and seafood-topped filet?
11:55 pm
every bite is better than the last. the classic is here too. come indulge in surf & turf like you've never had it before it's too late. and weekdays, create your own seafood lover's lunch for just $9.99. create your own seafood lover's nosy neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. what happens next? nothing. only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. guaranteed. even the most perceptive noses won't notice the trash. be happy. it's glad.
11:56 pm
can you pass me that tinsel? ooh, a pink tree?one. it's millennial pink! not seeing the vision. how about a little gold? how about rose gold? let's do it! um, love! people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. all smartphones are more or less the same, right? but this is the moto z. hello moto. can your phone turn into a projector? because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. and they might be bragging about portrait mode. but can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera?
11:57 pm
it's time to reinvent your smartphone. it's time to move on. moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. available at all major carriers.
11:58 pm
fredget in, fred!thing for his daughter. even if it means being the back half of a unicorn. fear not fred, the front half washed his shirt with gain. and that smell puts the giddy in "giddy-up"! ah... the irresistible scent of gain flings laundry detergent. you can't help but smell happy. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." ( cheers and applause )
11:59 pm
i'm so happy to have my first guest tonight. he is a hilarious comedian you know from broadway's "oh, hello." he's now on his "kid gorgeous" comedy tour. please welcome john mulaney! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back! >> thank you. >> stephen: john mulaney, everybody! welcome back. this is the third time? >> this is the third time i've been here. >> stephen: the third time? >> yeah. >> stephen: third time's a charm. >> that's what they say. >> stephen: we'll get it this time. >> yeah, we'll be charming this time. >> stephen: that's a lovely jacket. velvet? >> yeah, this is black velvet. it's nice. >> stephen: yeah. >> this collected a lot of stuff backstage, but they rolled me off with tape, and then i walked out, and now i'm on tv. >> stephen: yeah. we know it's the change of season when you can bring the black velvet out. >> absolutely. that's an old mel torme line. "the change of the season is when you can bring the old
12:00 am
velvet out." >> stephen: you're super busy, super busy. no surprise there. a young talented man like you. >> that's nice of you to say. i have been on tour since may pretty much and now it's getting into like, gone every night. >> stephen: what do you mean "gone every night?" >> gone on the road all the time. >> stephen: you're gone on the road and then daddy's just gone. >> i don't say "daddy's gone." that upsets people. >> stephen: do you have children? >> no, i have a dog, though. >> stephen: then you should not say, "daddy's gone." or it would be weird to say to your wife, "daddy's gone." >> daddy's home at least you're physically there. not deal with the aftermath of "what did you just say?" yeah, we've been gone-- we-- i, have been traveling a lot. and that's why i don't know my articles or pronouns. >> stephen: so, it's called "kid gorgeous." >> the tour. >> stephen: are you "kid gorgeous"? >> i don't know. it's just a name. i kept reading names to my wife
12:01 am
at a restaurant until she laughed, and that was the one she went with. she laughed a lot at "kid gorgeous," and i was like, i guess it has to be that. i like old-fashioned things, and "kid gorgeous" -- >> stephen: "kid gorgeous" sounds like you're a middle- weight boxer. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: who is famous for never having his nose broken. >> yes. >> stephen: he's "kid gorgeous." >> there was a mo on the simpsons, was "kid gorgeous," then he was "kid presentable." and i thought i wanted it to be called "kid charlemagne" after the steely dan song, but everyone in my life warned me against that, saying that would be lost on people and not be an effective tour name. >> stephen: whereas "kid gorgeous" has resonance all across america. >> people like vanity, yeah. >> stephen: you're coming back to new york for four nights at radio city, totally sold out. >> four shows sold out, yeah. and we're adding a fifth now, so, yeah. ( applause ) thank you very much. >> stephen: that's great. you have played radio city before? >> i have never played radio city. >> stephen: extraordinary, extraordinary house.
12:02 am
>> extraordinary place. i want to rest before it. i'm getting a little fried on this tour, but it's going to be an amazing -- >> stephen: like what kind of rest do you need? >> i need-- so i took a vacation with my wife, ana. i had been gone about 12 nights, and we went to a farm to relax in connecticut. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> and it was-- we got there -- >> stephen: somebody gave me photos before you came out here. is that what this is? >> yeah, i'll show you that in a moment. i had a bit of a nervous breakdown while i was at the farm. >> stephen: okay. >> i land from san francisco. we get a rental car and we drive to connecticut. and we get there, and i'm really exhausted and i'm feeling just sort of existentially insane, but i'm trying to hold it together. >> stephen: sure. >> and the current president tweeted something like, "no talks with north korea. you know what that means?" and i was like, "that's not helping my situation." that was that weekend he did that. i was out walking with my dog trying to calm down, and i saw a gaggle of geese? >> stephen: a gaggle of geese, yes.
12:03 am
>> a gaggle of geese. and i ran towards them and they flew away and it was very amusing. so then later on in the afternoon, the geese were back and i had the dog and i say to my wife, "check this out." and i run towards the geese, and they hold their ground, and one of them looks at me and opens his mouth, and he had this light, pink mouth, and he went "haaaa." and caveman d.n.a. in me knew get out of here right now. like, some old ancestor ran into some pterodactyls and it wasn't good, and this was like that. it was like these are dinosaurs, like, get out of here right now. and i ran across the creek, and i said to my wife, "those geese weren't messing around" you know? you know how you say that to your wife? ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. >> and she said, what the hell were you doing? geese attack people." she said, "you're such a city boy." i said, "i didn't know geese attacked people." she said, "yeah, my brother was attacked by a swan." ( laughter ) so later on in the evening --
12:04 am
>> stephen: not the same as a goose. >> not the same as a goose. but you expect more from a swan because it's more cosmopolitan. >> stephen: they're glamorous. >> they're glamorous, yes. we hold them to a higher degree. it's sad. so i'm sitting-- okay, this was, like, fatigue-- and i'm also trying to hold it together in front of my wife. i didn't tell her about the nuclear war stuff as if i'm the only one with a newspaper "i'll hide this." so then i'm staring out the window, the dog jumps into my lap, it's a nice moment. my wife takes a photo of it. we look at the photo, it's sweet. >> stephen: is this it? >> one second. no, i don't mean to interrupt your flow. i just wanted you to know we took a photo. we look at it. then i leave the room and we come back and look at it again, and there's a green spot that we never saw right there where my wedding band meets my dog's stomach. >> stephen: we have a close-up. >> and i said, "what the hell is that?"
12:05 am
we zoom in, push it, and it looks like the moon through the trees. and i said, "what is that?" and as soon as i said, "what is that?" some voice in me that warned me about the geese said, "you know it's a ghost." ( laughter ) so... ( laughter ) imagine for a moment that a green orb appears on your dog in a photo. that very much looks like the moon through the trees. and imagine you're exhausted. you can imagine how you'd leap to ghost. >> stephen: sure. ( laughter ) >> have you never seen a ghost? >> stephen: i don't think so... i mean, i don't think so. this place might be haunted. >> yes theaters are haunted. >> stephen: frequently haunted. >> i've been on the road in theaters 1900 and 1910. and i was very cavalier about ghosts and i'd say, "is this place haunted? and we'd laugh about the ghost that lived there. so i felt i had a haunting of
12:06 am
sorts. >> stephen: theaters have a ghost light to keep the ghost in on purpose. >> if you ask-- if you go to an old theater, ask the stagehands, "is there a ghost here?" and they'll be like, "there's a ghost." i did a theater in kansas city, called the midlands, and i asked if there was a ghost, and they said the janitor was killed there in 1910 and still haunts the lobby. i said, "what does he do?" they said, "we see him sweeping up." and i said, "that's double terrible that he's stuck between realms and he still has to clean the lobby." ( laughter ) it would be nice if they were like, "we saw him applying for a new position, then we-- then we saw him managing the lobby." >> stephen: i know there's a ghost in this building because sometimes, like, even during the show, like, a guest will be sitting right there, and i'll hear this voice coming from the guest going, "i wish dave was still here." ( laughter ) >> that's probably something dave planted.
12:07 am
>> stephen: yeah, probably. >> so i saw that, and i've been trying to hold it together all day. >> stephen: this is today? >> no, no, that day at the farm. >> stephen: okay. >> i push in on the photo, and i go, "tell me that doesn't look like the moon through the trees." and my wife's like, "are you okay?" and i said, "i think we need to leave right now." >> stephen: no, you didn't. >> i did, yeah. >> stephen: you can't get your deposit back because you think you saw a ghost. >> no, you cannot. but it was already dark on the farm roads, and i was like, "if this were a movie, would it be a good idea to drive out in the dark?" and, also, i didn't want to say too loud what my plan was in case the ghosts were listening. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm sad to say-- >> stephen: were the ghosts saying anything? were you getting voices in your head anything like that-- "she doesn't understand you. she's your enemy. do something!" >> oh, no. >> stephen: like one of those "shining" kind of things. >> no, because i was possessed i was assuming my dog was possessed. >> stephen: i think you probably had some schmutz on your camera.
12:08 am
>> what it turned out to be was lens flare. we looked it up and on, like-- i won't say what brand of phone but it's an iphone. and they have-- it's a common thing where you get these green dots, and that's the reflection of the sun coming through the trees and the window pane behind me. >> stephen: if you saw this glowing ball on your dog not on camera, that would be something to be upset about. >> i would bow down in front of her and say i'll do whatever you want. >> stephen: you know what i really like, "big mouth." >> thank you very much. >> stephen: the show you're doing with nick kroll, our friend of the show. >> this is a wonderful animated show on netflix, that nick kroll and andrew goldberg, his friend from childhood created -- >> stephen: you play andrew. >> i play andrew. yeah, i am now one of his good friends in adult life. >> stephen: it's about kids going through puberty and very funny and very honest, harrowing ways. >> yeah. >> stephen: because puberty is very upsetting. >> yes, it feels-- it's sort of a magical, realist, nightmarish
12:09 am
escape of puberty comedy, and i think it's how-- it's how puberty feels in a lot of ways. >> stephen: did you go to catholic schools growing up? >> yeah, only exclusively. >> stephen: jesuit schools. another they teach you good. but did they teach you, like, about sex? did you have, like, puberty, like health class or anything like that? >> we had health class. >> stephen: did they go through the birds and the bees? >> we did a sort of miracle on life on the "please don't ever have sex" side of it. >> stephen: okay. it's a miracle that you want nothing to do with. >> yeah, and they said-- they were like, "none of the contraceptives work, so don't try them." well -- >> stephen: wow. >> well, you know, we were kids. it's unfortunately had a lasting effect in the subconscious of my brain, but... ( laughter ) they then-- the big thing was they would show us the "miracle of life" video, and i fainted at that, not one year, not two
12:10 am
years, but three years in a row. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i hesitate to ask-- what is in "the miracle of life" video that would make john mulaney pass outside? >> i don't know if anyone has seen it. it begins with a couple that does not look contemporary, early 1980s, or late 1970s. and then it goes to some animation about how their tubes and different valves work. and then you're like watching these diagrams and you're like, "all right." and then it's a hard cut to the entry of a human into the world. >> stephen: of a human! >> coming through the loins of their mother-- which is nothing wrong with that. >> stephen, of course, not! we've all done that. >> perfectly natural. absolutely. even cesarean, however you want to do it. it's all fantastic. so i would look, and i went-- the first year i went, "huh?" and then i was on the floor. ( laughter ) the second year -- >> stephen: you know what's coming? >> the second year i know what's coming. i go, "no way am i going to flinch this time." so i stared longer.
12:11 am
and i watched more of the opening number. ( laughter ) hit the floor. the third year, people were rooting for me to faint. ( cheers and applause ) and looking back. and they-- they were going, "he's gonna go. he's gonna faint." and i just-- the pressure-- i don't even know if i was watching the video. i think i had a panic attack because all the eyes were on me. and i fainted again, just to-- maybe just to appease them. what a life! what a sad life to want to entertain so much that i'll collapse for you if you cheer loud enough. >> stephen: you're a pro. ( cheers and applause ) you're kid gorgeous is what you are. >> thank you. >> stephen: nice to see you. john mulaney's "kid gorgeous" is at radio city music hill this february. john mulaney, everybody! we'll be right back with a never-before-broadcast comedy
12:12 am
bit with jason segel. it's quite enjoyable. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ for those who know what they're really building. always unstoppable.
12:13 am
depend silhouette active fit briefs, feature a thin design for complete comfort. they say "move it or lose it" - and at my age, i'm moving more than ever. because getting older is inevitable. but feeling older? that's something i control. get a free sample at depend.com. [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like... cliché foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason? nah. so, why don't we like flo? she has the name your price tool, and we want it. but why? why don't we actually do any work? why do you only own one suit? it's just the way it is, underdeveloped office character.
12:14 am
you're right. thanks, bill. no, you're bill. i'm tom. you know what? no one cares.
12:15 am
yep, and my teeth are yellow. i mean i knew they weren't perfect, but, ugh. oh well, all hope is lost! oh thanks! clearly my whitening toothpaste is not cutting it. time for whitestrips. crest glamorous white whitestrips are the only ada-accepted whitening strips proven to be safe and effective. they work below the enamel surface to whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste. hey, nice smile! thanks! i crushed the tissue test! yeah you did! crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life.
12:16 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm joined now by the great jason segel. jason you were here on tuesday and now it's friday. thank you for coming back. >> yeah. >> stephen: you were promoting your new novel "otherworld." which i still have here. i keep it behind my desk all week. it turns out you also have several upcoming movies that so excited to promote. but here's the thing, you're so busy you didn't even know you were in these movies. >> that's right. >> stephen: and i didn't know i was co-starring with you in these movies. >> i know. >> stephen: because we're both so damn busy.
12:17 am
this should be interesting. what i'm going to do is put the posters up here, and we're going to look at the posters, see them for the first time. >> yeah. >> stephen: these posters were made by my graphics department. >> yes. >> stephen: and we have not seen any of these. and we are going to relive what the plot of this movie is for the audience. >> are we doing them for sure? are we going to do these movies? >> stephen: they're already shot. >> got it. >> stephen: talk to your agent if you haven't been paid, okay. get ready to remember these plots together. we're going to generate some buzz and hopefully make some cash. you ready? this is "maybe coming soon." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, to hour two of this bit. all right, the first movie that you and i are both in is... "butlerfingers." help, the help needs help.
12:18 am
we shot this actually at san simmion, the old-- >> first of all, you don't have to remind me. it was one of the best times of my life. >> stephen: oh, incredible. >> yeah. i was very glad they removed the second "t." >> stephen: yes. we are two men who are running from the mob who are hiding out as butlers. >> of course. >> stephen: yes. >> yeah, as a team of butlers. >> stephen: but we're very terrible at our jobs. >> that's right. >> stephen: we're extremely clumsy. >> and we bring along a baby. >> stephen: and we try to hide the baby in the bowl. >> yeah, and eventually, it ends, tragically, when the baby is accidentally served. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's going to be-- limited release. ( laughter ) then, of course, we made-- >> i will tell you this, i'm pretty sure i didn't approve that-- that poster.
12:19 am
we made "party lincoln." four score and seven beers ago. >> oh, my gosh! right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i play-- i'm pretty sure i play a frat brother. >> yes. >> stephen: because i can still play college age. >> yes. i mysteriously have been de- thawed -- >> stephen: you're de-thawed lincoln. >> but i'm also wearing a hawaiian vest. >> stephen: that's party lincoln. >> that's party lincoln, that's right. >> stephen: party lincoln, on mauna loa in hawaii-- there's a glacier up there, right-- they find a frozen abe lincoln which is where president johnson stashed him. yeah, yeah. until the future could find a cure for bullet in the head. ( laughter ) and they cure him! it's a happy ending. they cure him and he goes to college and joins my frat.
12:20 am
>> super uncomfortable when i take the hat off. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and then, of course,... >> "just robins." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and, of course, the tag line, "this summer, bask in robins." >> i believe you thought of that. >> stephen: this was based on the novel "oops all robins." >> that's right, which didn't test well, the title. >> stephen: you and i both play robin. >> and we had a big dispute over who would get top billing, and apparently it's colbert and segel. >> stephen: it's alphabetical. this is for the holidays. it's coming out soon. "supreme horse." >> yeah, of course. the horse-- we were-- we were so lucky to be able to get american pharoah.
12:21 am
>> stephen: he had so little time on his hooves, because he, of course, he and you are out to stud right now. >> that's right. >> stephen: both of you. >> that's right. >> stephen: both of you are out to stud. >> that's right. >> stephen: that's what you do in that orange grove. ( laughter ) okay? incredible. but it also get into some issues. >> yeah. >> stephen: gets into some issues, yeah, yeah. and then, of course, the holiday favorite... >> "a party lincoln christmas." >> stephen: the first one was such a hit-- >> fourscore and seven nogs ago. this time it's personal. >> stephen: well, listen-- >> look how happy you look. >> stephen, of course. because in the first one, the first one, you're shot again. >> oh! oh, no. >> stephen: i gave away too much, but in the first one you're shot again. >> again. >> stephen: because you know what happened to lincoln the first time, right? i just wanted to make sure. spoiler alert-- i wanted you to know what the bullet joke was.
12:22 am
>> got it. >> stephen: but you get shot at the end of the next one, because you jump in front of me to save me from a rival frat assassinating me at a performance of "my american cousin." >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: but then what-- what i didn't know was is that the sorority-- >> do i break dance in this? >> stephen: "the great break dance-ipator is back. because what happens is the tri- delts freeze you. >> oh, man! >> stephen: that's good. they're the good girls because they're a sorority. did you go to college? >> i didn't go to college. >> stephen: you do in this movie. well, listen, folks, thank you for joining us. jason segel, everybody. all these movies are maybe coming soon! we'll be right back. ( applause )
12:23 am
between the bike rides and the fort making,
12:24 am
you're a family of master adventurers? meet your new partner in crime. hey google, play mickey mouse adventure. mickey mouse: will you help me? you know it. mickey: hot dog! i knew i could count on you! family time. like only google can. at 60 million mealsso closto pets in need. that definitely feels good! this holiday season, buy any bag of dog or cat food at petsmart and we'll give a meal to a pet in need. petsmart - for the love of pets.
12:25 am
12:26 am
♪ ♪ ( band playing )
12:27 am
can you pass me that tinsel? ooh, a pink tree?one. it's millennial pink! not seeing the vision. how about a little gold? how about rose gold? let's do it! um, love! all smartphones are more or less the same, right? but this is the moto z. hello moto. can your phone turn into a projector? because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. and they might be bragging about portrait mode. but can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera? it's time to reinvent your smartphone. it's time to move on. moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. available at all major carriers. when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis,
12:28 am
you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz.
12:29 am
♪ ♪ ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've come to my
12:30 am
favorite part of every week in the trump administration: the end. now, let's look back at the best moments from this week's "the late show." >> we have a nuclear submarine, also positioned. we have many things happening that we hope, we hope-- in fact, i'll go a step further-- we hope to god we never have to use. >> stephen: yes, "hope to god" because we all know god's in the nuclear chain of command. he's got the other key. that's why they call it the nuclear triad because it's the father, the son, and the holy (bleep). ( cheers and applause ) president trump is still off on his trip through asia. he arrived today in china, although he kept calling it thailand, because it's where they make his ties. ( laughter ). >> president xi and i have had several conversations about our
12:31 am
common goals and interests. beyond that, we talk often. it's a very good chemistry between the two of us. ( laughter ) >> stephen, of course. yeah, no. of course, of course, they have good chemistry. they met on xiharmony. >> feeding the coy is a time- honored tradition much like the japanese tea service whereas the meditation of the movement is resonant (bleep). yeah. suck on it, you fat fish! yeah, there you go. there you go. >> every single thing that's happened probably in the last two years of our politics, i would have been sitting in the "west wing" writer's room saying, "no, no, that can't happen." i would have shot down every one. you know reality show guy runs for president. i'd go, "no, no! it can't happen." you know -- >> stephen: runs? wins! >> so guess what that does? >> stephen: what? >> that destroys drama. fictional television drama about
12:32 am
a white house is now destroyed because there's absolutely no gravity to it. >> stephen: it's pretty good-- it's pretty good-- lawrence, it's pretty good for comedy. >> it's very good. >> stephen: donald jr. woke up this morning to urge people to get the vote out, but maybe he should have waited until he had his morning cup of hair gel because he tweeted: which is a fine thing to tweet. except the election was today not tomorrow. #whoopsie-daisy. #turns out eric is the smart one. >> you know i have a theory. do you want to hear it? >> stephen: yes. >> i think if dogs could talk they would all sound like dave chappelle. >> stephen: dave chappelle? >> dave chappelle. "hold on son. wait a minute, baby! nobody comes back here! i'm tired of eating squirrel, son! oh!"
12:33 am
>> stephen: we met briefly during rehearsal because you walked out on stage just to say hi in your underwear. and -- >> stephen: hey! >> the reason i did that was my 15-year-old daughter, elizabeth, begged me not to do anything to embarrass the family. >> you know, stephen, as you know i'll be hosting "night of too many stars" to support autism next week on november 18th on hbo. >> stephen: that's true. >> it will be live. celebrities are donating incredible experiences to help raise even more money. for instance, stephen colbert is offering an incredible opportunity here at "the late show." >> stephen: yes, i am, and i can't wait to find out what it is that i'm offering. but before you tell people what i'm offering, i'm feeling a little parched and i want to get a little sip of water here. please tell me what i'm offering. ( laughter ) >> one lucky winner is going to spend an entire episode of "the late show..." ( laughter )
12:34 am
under your desk. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) happy anniversary dinnedarlin' i'm messing up every dish, pot, and plate... ...to show my love. ta-da! all this devotion only calls for a little bit of dawn ultra. so concentrated, just one bottle has the grease cleaning power of three... ...bottles of this other liquid. a drop of dawn and grease is gone. try using dawn beyond the sink.
12:35 am
♪...nausea, heartburn,♪ indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪ ♪nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪ here's pepto bismol! ah. ♪nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪
12:36 am
kelp is on the way! with herbal essences bio:renew made with active antioxidants that work from the inside out... to help animate lifeless hair. let life in with herbal essences bio:renew. sorry. i can't make it. it's just my eczema again, but it's fine. yeah, it's fine. you ok? eczema. it's fine. hey! hi! aren't you hot? eczema again? it's fine. i saw something the other day. eczema exposed. your eczema could be something called atopic dermatitis, which can be caused by inflammation under your skin. maybe you should ask your doctor? go to eczemaexposed.com to learn more. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
12:37 am
♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from enumclaw, washington, i

119 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on