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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 4, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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4-8 inches for much of the area. in joey your snow day. -- enjoy your snow day. >>shovel early and often. >>see you tomorrow. captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! thanks, everybody!
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(cheers and applause) welcome to "the late show"! thanks so much, everybody! thanks so much! please! thank you so much! it's very nice! keepers whoa! yeah! welcome to "the late show"! thanks, everybody! please! i'm stephen colbert. man, so excited. what a great audience, i thought they were going to do the wave there. i hope it's not too personal a question... you guys like the web site (cheers and applause) it's great, it's like e-bay, but the things you buy don't arrive smelling like cigarettes. (laughter) amazon's always been on the cutting edge. from drone delivery, to automated warehouses, to shipping six a.a. batteries in a box the size of a mini fridge. (laughter) and yesterday, we learned that amazon is planning to open
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bookstores. that's exciting because you don't see those much anymore. i don't know what happened to them. amazon is calling their new stores "offline shopping." this is really exciting. it's a new concept. (laughter) >> right. >> stephen: and i think this could be the start of a whole trend of online-retailers going real-world. for example, tinder could open a singles bar, where everybody walks around stating their height. (laughter) if you don't like someone, you swipe them left. and if you "do" like them, you swipe them just right. (laughter) (applause)
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"seamless" could open a restaurant, where you have to wait an hour and a half for your meal, and then it's brought to your table by a sad, wet man, wearing a garbage bag poncho, who you hand $3 without making eye contact. (laughter) or netflix could open a chain of movie theaters, where they're never showing exactly what you want, so you just end up half-watching "clueless" again while playing "bejeweled" on your phone. (laughter) >> jon: oh, man... >> stephen: a d i just want to tell you, and as a member of amazon prime, i have ordered you a great show tonight. (cheers and applause) >> jon: it's arriving right now. >> stephen: it arrived right now. first, i'll be talking to former new york giant michael strahan. (cheers and applause)
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and is now the co-host of "live with kelly and michael", where's he's somehow the less ripped one. (laughter) he's tough. then, i'll sit down with the very funny samantha bee. (cheers and applause) an old co-worker of mine. we're all old co-workers together. her new show is called "full frontal." but since it's cbs, tonight it'll be at most "side boob." (laughter) then, we'll have a musical performance from indie legends, wilco. (cheers and applause) you like his lu lullaby? >> jon: yeah, man, a great musician. >> stephen: then, they will be playing a song off their latest album "star wars." it's really light and bouncy but it has a dark side.
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oh, can you taste that delicious ear-food? that's jon batiste and "stay human", say hi everybody! (cheers and applause) >> jon: hi, everybody out there! they're about to serve you a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality, but before they do, one more thing: someone nominated donald trump for a nobel peace prize. i think he's got a good chance. he's clearly a piece of something. (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes michael strahan! samantha bee! and a musical performance by wilco!
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human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! thanks so much! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you, sir! whoo! (cheers and applause) (laughter) is everyone excited for the super bowl on sunday? (cheering) that's no surprise. of course you are. it's like the olympics, only better because it happens every year and america always wins.
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of course, this year the big game is between the denver broncos, a.k.a. "the broncs," and the carolina panthers, a.k.a. "the pants." (laughter) and as soon as the super bowl ends, i, stephen colbert, will be hosting a special live episode of "the late show!" are you ready for some show that follows footbaaaaaaaaall? (cheers and applause) even though we're days away from the big show we're already in the fearsome grip of the week. it all kicked off on monday with super bowl media day, where the teams meet the press in an orgy of promotional ecstasy, along with, for some reason, people who apparently couldn't get into "let's make a deal."
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it was chaos. there were clowns and super heroes and miss universe. >> stephen: yes! clowns and super heroes, and miss universe, marionettes and dark magicians a thousand screaming peacocks emerging from a golden clamshell, their wings blotting out the very sun. until finally, peyton manning enters in a chariot wearing that dress from "the hunger games." (laughter) so a great night for football. it was so great to see the guys take this opportunity to speak back to the fans, like panthers quarterback cam newton who said: only just him, that have been making an impact and living their dream. an oval-shaped pigskin has taken them a long way." and "i tell kids, that oval-shaped pigskin can take you a lot of places." how inspiring to think that a young man named cam made it to the super bowl without ever learning the word "football." (laughter) no one tell him. too late.
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now all these huge n.f.l. stars giving access to the media reminded me: i am also a media. and i need to get pumped for my post super bowl show. so i sent my interview strike team to media day to ask the players one simple question: >> what do you do to get pumped up for the big show? >> i put on a tiny crown and say, who's the prince of football? me! that's who. >> i tell my cat that the game is already over and we won. and then i have to go out and win because i can never lie to her. >> every day i wake up at 4:00 a.m. so i can get out there and score some really good deals at garage sales. nothing gets me going like paying only $2 for a used crock pot.
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say the names of my favorite fans -- cooper, mykaya, madison, vivian, tyler, zach, gloria, alice, alexis... >> you got to always give 110% until you realize that's not actually possible, and then just give 100%. >> i just think to myself, what would the harlem globetrotters do but for football? >> six cans of seltzer, belch the alphabet and i'm ready to rumble. >> i wear my lucky rabbits foot, then put on my socks and shoes so no one can see one of pi feet is a rabbits foot. >> matt, adam, paul, chris, tim, andro... >> i do it for all the dinosaurs who didn't live long enough to see me play, but i know they're watching in dinosaur heaven.
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to take a neerks i say where do you want us to take it? it always gets a laugh. >> jim page, jim d., jim iii, jim iv, jim... >> when i want to intimidate the other team, i make direct eye contact on the line of scrimmage and i mouth these words -- (laughter) >> owen, maria, william -- yvette, greg, liz, dan, thai, tyrone. >> carter, karl. >> i look at myself in the mirror and i say, candy man, three times. and when he appears and tries to kill me, i run really fast. >> auto -- eric, glen, emily, kareem. i like to listen to the line king sound track before the big game.
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just something about the sound of two lines doing it that likely gets my blood pressure. >> stephen: we'll be right
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bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. she gets me. wow. it also has teen it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? i mean with all this technology.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) my first guest tonight is the only football hall-of-famer with his own daytime talk show. please welcome michael strahan! (cheers and applause) >> thank you! that was nice! great band, great audience! thank you guys! >> stephen: oh, incredible band! (cheers and applause) do you have even energy to be here right now because you do it all! >> i'm sleeping right now. >> stephen: really?
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you have to teach me how to do that. >> i work a lot, obviously. >> stephen: you get up at the crack of dawn to do the show with kelly. >> i get up at the crack of dawn to do g.m.a. before kelly three days a week and on the weekend travel to l.a. to do fox. i'm constantly going but i love my work so it doesn't feel like work? compared to having to grind your way through an offensive line of 300-pound men to swat a ball out of somebody's hand, does everything seem easy now? >> absolutely. that's good observation. when people say, you work so hard, and i say try to move a 350-pound man talking bad about your mom -- >> stephen: is that happening? i made it up in my head so i would be angry enough to fight him. >> stephen: you project on to the enemy something worse than what you've actually done to turn yourself into a bone-crushing machine?
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i had to think, every game, he said something about my momma, just to get mad. >> stephen: i want to start the interview by saying your mother sounds like a lovely woman. so nice, a saint, fantastic. show. you have been to the super bowl. >> yeah, won. >> stephen: there you are right there, man. (cheers and applause) can i see the ring? >> yeah. >> stephen: damn! i could wear this around my neck. that's incredible. >> put it on right now. you're not going home with it. >> stephen: i'll put it on my thumb. that's nice. wow. (cheers and applause) >> it's crazy. i look at the super bowl now and took me 15 years to get this. you see a lot of guys who are a lot younger who have the opportunity to play and how special that must be for them but this is what you really play for. you could do everything you want --
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>> but when you have this it's something special to be able to celebrate an honor with everybody. i've won a lot of individual awards and i said, that's great, and no one else is cheering because i'm the only one who did it. but to do it as a team and to see how ecstatic everybody was and i look at eli manning and wanted to kiss him and that never happened before (laughter) >> stephen: since eli is your teammate, are you pulling for peyton for family reasons, for family loyalty? >> no. may the best team win. i'm a big 'eyton fan and it would be great to see peyton go out on top. it would be amazing. but i. also a big cam newton fan. i really am. i think he's one of the few guys that i would pay to watch play. he's just that exciting. >> stephen: i would pay just to watch him dance. (laughter) it's so fun to see him have a good time. there is a lot of criticism.
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should be more dignified and shouldn't be dancing. what do you think? >> you see the running back dance when they score, receivers dance. defensive linemon. there i am after that '50s show flexing over tom brady. >> stephen: did you dance. i just showed the muscles. that's all i did. >> stephen: i show you literally over tom brady. what is happening in this photo? look at everybody down here on the ground. you literally look like peter pan. (laughter) you look like the peter pan of death coming to take tom brady by the scruff of the neck and take him off to never ever land! how is this possible? (cheers and applause) >> well, that guy -- these two fell in the way and i didn't want him to get away, so i had to dive and try to get him and that picture looks so impressive, i'm going to take this home! (cheers and applause)
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daddy used to be good! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now daddy's got his own line of clothes called the -- >> collection. >> stephen: okay. "collection by michael strahan." i'm going to hook you up, man. >> stephen: could you? yeah. >> stephen: i think two of me could fit inside one of your suits. >> well, you're not going to get ev suit. you will get a suit made just for you. >> stephen: made like this? yeah. >> stephen: some players like cam newton, very flashy style. >> oh, did you see what he wore the other day? >> stephen: those pants were like a magic eye post-er. if you unfocus your eyes, you could see a dolphin playing volleyball in those. >> one thing i learned when i was younger, cam's age, it's like somebody opened up a bag of skittles and said, pick a color. you just chose it and had the worst suits. i'm very conscious to wear something you don't regret in a year or two. he regretted that the next day. there is no way you could get away with that.
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i love it. i'm in suits six days a week. i know you wear suits quite a bit. >> stephen: i do. what i like about suits is they give me the illusion of a male physique. that's what8"| like about them. i try to take them off when a woman's around. >> keep that buttoned up around me, you will be all right, man. (laughter) >> stephen: actually, you're also a spokesman for what we used to call metamucil, but it's called meta, now. >> yeah. >> stephen: is there an attempt to hip up metamucil? >> no, man, it's not metamucil! >> stephen: it's meta. i'm down to be regular! c'mon, man! all the kids are doing it! >> all the kids are doing it! >> stephen: you guys want to hit the meta? i'll set you up with a line, baby! >> that's going to be the next campaign right there! (laughter) so many people say, you're too
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you're not too young to have good intestinal health. it really works! >> stephen: you are the greatest spokesman of all time! (cheers and applause) >> i'm serious! it lowers your cholesterol and does all those things. >> stephen: it will go through you like michael strahan, through the opposing line! boom! (cheers and applause) by the way, speaking of going through you, do you ever miss sacking people? like when you have a celebrity chef on, do you think, i'm doing the take mario out! i'm going to knock the ricotta out of this guy! he said something about my momma! >> i never thought about hitting mario, but when i see a stranger in some other quarterback's jersey, i don't care, i want to hit them. >> stephen: really? i do. i miss it. i miss hitting a quarterback because they -- >> stephen: just the quarterback? >> really, you know, i do miss the 350-pound guy, i miss
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quarterback, but there's nothing like hitting the quarterback because they don't get hit in practice, they wear a different color jersey, there is an article in "sports illustrated" about they're supposedly the best looking guys on the field. >> stephen: they get the models. >> yeah, who doesn't want to hit a guy who gets all that? i do! (cheers and applause) it's only human! >> stephen: totally understandable. now, the ball itself, the ball is the tackle magnet. >> yes. >> stephen: if i were playing football, i would say, don't give me the ball, i'm good, because guys like michael strahan are going to come get me. >> you're going to get the ball but sometimes you will see a guy running the ball and you don't care about him, i'm just going to get you back. >> stephen: when you knock them down, off switch to turn on to turn into the aggressive machine. >> yep. >> stephen: is it always like -- do you feel it in the moment or after you feel somebody, you go, man, i hit
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about it. >> no... >> stephen: when you're yelling, is it ever, like, are you okay? i'm worried about you! >> no, it's more like, you shouldn't have said that about my momma! >> stephen: what! i said nothing! (cheers and applause) (laughter) michael strahan, thank you so much for being here! "collection by michael strahan" is available exclusively at j.c. penney, everybody! michael strahan, everybody! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) you'd see how often you cough all day and so would everyone else. new robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to twelve hours. new robitussin 12 hour cough relief.
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(cheers and applause)i >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! long time viewers of the show know that i'm a practicing catholic. and while i usually go to church, i'm often way too busy
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rituals. for instance, i've been putting off last rites for years. i heard that's a good one. and the ritual i miss most is confession. there's something about climbing into that dark wooden box that just makes me feel so alive. so, i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> no! >> stephen: i didn't think so. this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions. (organ music) boo! now for the record: i'm not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back.
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i nodded off there for a second. forgive me, audience. when i see a story that another species has gone extinct, i wonder what it tasted like. (laughter) audience... i have a fair amount of gay friends, but sometimes i worry that i haven't made enough gay enemies. (laughter) audience, sometimes when i'm out to dinner with my wife, i propose, so they'll give us free dessert. (laughter) my e-mail address is still (laughter) every time i make a bologna sandwich i sing, "my bologna has
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then, when i eat it, i whisper to the sandwich, "i'm eating you, oscar." (laughter) sometimes i lie awake at night, afraid i'll die before i get to use all my "forever" stamps. (laughter) i can still name all four teletubbies, and have done so in my will. (laughter) i don't understand why it's not called a "pants suit" when a man wears it. (laughter) am i not supposed to wear the pants? (laughter) i saw something, so i said something. but the thing i said wasn't the
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(laughter) sometimes, i use slang that i don't understand to connect with young people. i guess i'm just woke like that, on fleek, bye felicia. (laughter) (applause) i have this weird feeling that once when i was drunk i got a tattoo in a place i can't see. (laughter) oh, daffy and bugs, why would you fight over that? (laughter) i like to yell "bingo" even when i don't have "bingo," and am not playing "bingo." (laughter) i know you're never supposed to put plastic in the microwave, but i hate playing with cold
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(laughter) when i get on an elevator, and someone comes running up to catch it, i always act like i tried to hold it for them. oh, the button's not working. i'm so sorry! (laughter) (cheers and applause) i didn't go anywhere near that button. (laughter) bingo! (laughter) every time i say, "we'll be about three minutes of commercials. (laughter) forgive me, audience. >> we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with samantha bee.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest was the longest serving correspondent on "the daily show" and is premiering her brand new show "full frontal with samantha bee" this monday on tbs. please welcome samantha bee.
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>> stephen: come on! look at that! the people love samantha bee! >> oh, my gosh! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's nice. nice to see you. eth like old hopeful week. >> it really is. i feel so comfortable here. >> stephen: the show starts monday night 10:30, tbs. >> yes. >> stephen: you're down to the wire here. >> yes. >> stephen: are you feeling like let me at them or holy crap what's about to happen? >> it's no, put the show on the air now, please! we have been prepping it for so long, it's so exciting to actually be able to put one on and you sit back and let the helpful commentators roll in. >> stephen: they are so nice. the internet people are so lovely.
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you will sleep better at night. (laughter) >> i think so. >> stephen: interviews? interviews, a pretty big field component because, as you know, that's what i like to do. >> stephen: i still think of field to this day. i was the wrongest serving correspondent until you came along. >> mostly in my field pieces, i really bite your style, anyway. >> stephen: you bite my style? i do. that's a term all the kids say. >> stephen: i'm not sure you can say that on cbs. i'm flattered, then. watching you. >> stephen: did you? (laughter) >> stephen: did you ever feel bad about the interviews you had to do at the at "the daily show"? >> i did for a nanosecond, then i felt good because i have a very strong canadian work ethic. >> stephen: canadians are nice people. stone. >> stephen: you recently
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>> i did! i'm voting for the first time. >> stephen: congratulations! i feel like a total dork. i can't wait to get my sicker. >> stephen: a sticker that says i'm canadian and they let me vote anyway! >> they do! >> stephen: let me talk about your friend. senor hottie. >> i have a photo of him dressed as a jaunty pirate, as most canadians do. >> stephen: is he actually dressed as a jaunty pirate? >> yes. >> stephen: really? he is not afraid to go there. he is not afraid to go there. (laughter) >> stephen: well, you've already started covering the election in your shows which start monday and somei have a clip of something that hasn't happened yet. >> what? >> stephen: can we share from one of your pre-shows? >> yep. here we are again, another election, praise and promise
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biter with a self-described socialist named bernie. >> right. how did that happen? (laughter) (laughter) >> well, chris, turns out the old witch i promised chelsea to wasn't as powerful as i thought! i guess maybe i just underestimated the bone-deep sexism of the american people! ha ha ha ha ha ha! was what she wanted to say, but what she actually said was... >> look, it's a great country... chris, you better hope that woman never finds the precious. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: speaking of bone deep sexism, obviously you've got a lot of questions like you are going to be the only woman hosting a late night show once you go on the air. >> yes.
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(cheers and applause) >> yes. >> stephen: but, i mean, listen, do you get tired of that question? why do i have to, you know, bear the weight of being a woman -- >> quite honestly before i started this process, i didn't even know women could talk. so -- turns out they can. >> stephen: that's amazing. congratulations. >> you: from time to time. >> stephen: do you, really? i do. >> stephen: sometimes -- and sri womanly hips, so i'm halfway there. >> yes. i do notice that you do reference your own man parts with a pretty astonishing frequency. >> stephen: occasionally. no, i think more than -- >> stephen: i used to but not so much anymore. not on cbs. >> i think more than average. i brought a clip with me if you want to roll it, actually. >> any child kicking last at kick ball gets to kick the kicker in the ball also. >> there's no server that has pictures of let's say not my junk?
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display it. we've reached a happy ending of a cockus tease. you, sir, have some whaifos rancheros. it takes balls to write this kind of musical. one penis-sippi, two... a three-baller, charlie. we're only six days away from the voting in iowa which means this is the last week cbs will let me say caucus on the air. (laughter) caucus. all right. i will miss being able to say that. >> yes. >> stephen: why can't you do that? >> i mean, no, i can do that. >> stephen: you can do that?
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>> stephen: you have to come with euphemisms. >> you do. you don't want to destroy the minds of all the children who are watching. >> stephen: exactly. i understand you've brought a list of off misms for us to go through. >> i have. >> stephen: can i share? yes. >> stephen: these are euphemisms a female comedienne can use to refer to her bathing suit area that -- >> that will pass muster. >> i like the motion. >> stephen: be accurate. yes. >> stephen: euphemisms for what you got i ain't got. ready? >> yes. go. lady garden. floral >> stephen: hoo-hoo. >> hee-hee. >> stephen: hah-hah. >> department of the interior. that's classy. >> stephen: she who shall not be named. >> the place where i keep my
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that's just for me. they're safe there. >> stephen: always the last place you look. >> yep. >> stephen: the chamber of secrets. >> oh, oh dear -- >> the envelope, please. >> stephen: ferngully. >> canyon of heroes. >> stephen: ark of the covenant. >> velour bouncy castle. that's nice >> stephen: mrs. bojangles. >> hurt locker. that's sad. that's dark. >> stephen: tavern on the green. i do like that. sam's club. personalize it. >> stephen: i'm sad to say, i'm not a member. (laughter) >> stephen: "full frontal with samantha bee" premieres this monday at 10:30 on tbs. good luck. you're going to rock it. it will be great!
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we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology.
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to the american horizon. to a nation where every child can not only dream of going to college, but attend one. where quality healthcare will be a birthright of every citizen. where a good job is not a wish, but a reality. where women receive equal pay and a living wage is paid to all. an america where after a lifetime of labor, there is time for rest and grandchildren. a nation that defends our people and our values, but no longer carries so much of that burden alone. i know we can create that america if we listen to our conscience and our hearts and not to the pundits and the naysayers. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message,
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>> stephen: here performing, "random name generator," from their grammy nominated album, "star wars." please welcome, our friends, wilco! (cheers and applause) come on, listen to the wheel i belong to the stars in the day i ran away eternal instigator well, i was old i remember the milky way, why? i belong to the stars in the sky random name random name generator
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random name generator here, lonely in the coldest night somebody hold me in the diamond light a narrator mr. narrator i want a name and a newborn child a miracle only ever grows wild it is a book instigator a random name generator i kinda like it when i make you cry
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a random name random name generator i change my name every once in a while a miracle every once in a while i create, i am a flame a flame creator a random name generator come on, cuff me to the weed with some wine if i miss your breeze or you miss mine i kinda like it when i make you cry a miracle every once in a while
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with some wine i think i miss my family i
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(cheers and applause) >> thanks so much. >> stephen: wilco, everybody! "star wars"! we'll be right back.
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oh remotes, you've had it tough. watching tvs get sharper, bigger, smugger. and you? rubbery buttons. enter the x1 voice remote. now when someone says... show me funny movies. watch discovery. record this. voila. remotes you are back. the x1 voice remote is here. x1 customers get
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>> stephen: that's it for "the tune in tomorrow when my guests will be actor bobby cannavale, advertising legend donny deutsch, and a musical performance by charles kelley. but before we go, jeff tweedy, it is 12:30, would you play us a lullaby? >> i would be happy to. >> before you drift off on an ocean of dreams listen to the dark and the song that it sings imaginate everything's ok tomorrow's going to be a great day sometimes you're scared, then you're not scared sometimes you worry and then you don't care sometimes you cry and then you're ok tomorrow's going to be a great day you're friends will be beside you
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tomorrow's going to be a great
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