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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 16, 2016 12:05am-1:07am EST

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i do everything on the internet. my friends say i should get fios because it's the fastest. i just downloaded 600 photos in 60 seconds. that's seriously better. (husband) we're out of 2%! i wonder what else could be better around here? (husband) i heard that. switching to better internet is only fios has the fastest internet available, with uploads up to 5x faster get 100 meg upload and download
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$69.99 a month online with no annual contract. switch to better. switch to fios. -- steve just said it's bad. >> that's right. with the freezing rain, not much you can do. it's really slick.
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>> and a lot of melting going on and even torrential rain tomorrow evening. >> will there be pockets in the morning where you'll be careful? >> yes! especially around boston and right out the door. >> all right! steven colbert coming up next! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> announcer: stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good evening, everybody! (cheers and applause) whoo! whoo! welcome to "the late show"! we're here! we're doing the show!
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(audience chanting stephen) (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! thank you so much! show." i am proud to be your host, stephen colbert. happy president's day. (cheers and applause) all of them, equally good. and keep in mind, one of the people running for president right now, one day we will be celebrating with a half-off mattress sale. (laughter) all right, it's a real honor. of course, this time last year everyone was positive it was going to be hillary clinton. she was a lock. but she's still reeling from sanders in new hampshire last week. bernie won 83% of young voters.
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the only group hillary won was voters over 65. so she may not have won new hampshire, but she definitely won old hampshire. (laughter) okay. but they're nimble. her team is nimble. so her team sprung into action and reached out to young people with an ad on the youth-friendly social network, america online. (laughter) this is true. her new campaign slogan: (modem noise) for america. >> jon: that's the dialup. aol is where all the cool teens go to update their geocities page. i can't wait to see how they appeal to the youths next. maybe hand out some leaflets at
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or team up with netflix to sponsor a "murder she wrote" reunion where the victim... is the middle class. (laughter) or a massive ad buy on a.m. radio: "just want to remind all yo millennials to get out there and support hillary. coming up next: three hours of old men whispering about jesus!" (laughter) i'd listen. well, whatever age you are, we've got a great show for you tonight. first, i'll be sitting down with the very funny craig ferguson. (cheers and applause) he's much taller than you think. >> jon: oh, yeah. i didn't know he was that tall. >> stephen: he's host ago new talk show that's all about history. so if you miss the first episode, you'll be doomed to repeat it.
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models of this year's "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition. (cheers and applause) you won't believe what they're wearing on the cover. unless you think it's swimsuits, in which case you're spot on. and later i'll be joined by senator cory booker. (cheers and applause) he's written a new book called "united." it'll either bring congress together or provide them with a heavy object to throw at each other. plus, i will face off with world darts champion scott waites. (cheers and applause) hey, scott waites fans! hey, that's the band, jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! (cheers and applause) they're about to yank the ripcord, but before they do, one more thing: an exact replica of the titantic
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and this time, it should be perfectly safe because, by then, we should be out of icebergs. (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes craig ferguson! "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition models hailey clauson and ashley graham! senator cory booker! and world darts champion scott waites! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert!
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>> stephen: thank you so much! thanks, everybody. before we get started. i'd like to say a few words about the passing of supreme court justice antonin scalia. he was universally acknowledged to be an intellectual giant, who left his mark not only on the court but on our approach to the constitution. and whether or not you agreed with him or made a lot of jokes about him like i did, he had a sense of humor. people have actually broken down the transcripts of oral arguments, and he told more jokes and got more laughs than of any of the justices. that might part of the reason why he was such good friends with justices who he disagreed with like ruth bader ginsburg and elena kagan. and i was lucky enough to have one conversation with him that explained his appeal to me. it was ten years ago this april,
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correspondents dinner. i don't know if you guys saw that. (chf not a lot of people laughed in the front row. (laughter) some people laughed in the back of the room but the important people in the front row, mostly silent when i gave the speech. when it was over, no one was even making eye contact with me. the one exception was antonin scalia. he had been caught a week earlier doing this to the photographers. i did my gestures at him. after it was over, he came up to me, again, no one is talking to me in the whole damn room!
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me and says, it's great, great! did you give me one of these? ahhh! i said, sir, first, i want to ask, would that be legal for me to do? he said, of course, it would be legal. i said, yeah, i gave you one of these. he said, great stuff! great stuff! good night. and he left. i watched him go and i thought, don't you make me love you, old man. so i will forever be grateful for that moment of human contact that he gave me. so i would like to say one last time, justice scalia, i salute you. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) while i'm guessing i'm not on the short list to be named to the supreme court, as a late-night host, i already wield
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i can force 200 people to wait in line in the snow for two hours and they still clap when they see me! (cheers and applause) that's not right! and yet... and yet, there are those out there even more powerful than i am powerful. history's most despotic leaders - people like genghis khan, czar nicholas the second and jessica alba, who i believe is the ruler of albania. (laughter) these merciless tyrants have but two things in common: the first one is a secret, but the second one is a big furry hat!
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(cheers and applause) now that this hat is upon my head, i am endowed with unquestionable power! this is due to my hat's two main attributes: its bigness, and its furriness. any proclamations i make while so behatted are now and forever law. let us begin. drumming a march rhythm). from this day forward, only people born on presidents day shall be eligible to run for president. those born on groundhog's day may run for groundhog. (applause) henceforth, subway trains shall be renamed "boring roller
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from now on, if a restaurant is cash only, the menu must clearly state which organized crime syndicate the restaurant is a front for. (cheers and applause) there shall be a sequel to "foxcatcher" called "wolf blitzer." (laughter) there shall be no calories in cap'n crunch, as long as i scoop it out of the box with my hand. (cheers and applause) besides... any weight i gain will be offset by the amount of flesh scraped off the roof of my mouth. (laughter) henceforth, the dad on your street whose shorts have the most pockets is now king. (applause) for the sake of closure, there shall finally be a single-a battery.
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the measure one pint of ice cream shall be renamed to "one sadness of ice cream." (applause) from this day forward, people who refer to their pets as their babies must breastfeed their pets. (laughter) (applause) all of kansas city is now in the state of kansas. all cities in missouri will be named "st. louis." (laughter) from now on, you feed a cold, starve a fever, and honey glaze a herpes. (laughter) if you sex someone real good, they must take you to red lobster. (cheers and applause) if the sexing is inadequate, they shall drop you off at long john silvers.
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the term "walkie-talkies" now refers to toddlers. (laughter) the female version of a "sausagefest" is now officially a georgia o'keefe retrospective. (laughter) the hat has spoken! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back with craig ferguson. (cheers and applause) man, i might just chill tonight. puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppy... ...monkey... ...baby
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! (cheers and applause) my first guest tonight is a peabody-award winning comedian, writer, and tv host with a new show on the history channel. please welcome craig ferguson. (cheers and applause)
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>> hey! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now, you and i, we have met once before. >> i remember! it's the bathroom at the grammys -- no, the emmys. >> stephen: i was in the bathroom with kanye in the grammys, with you at the emmys. a wonderful place to meet. >> i wanted to be your friend and i was following you around the bathroom and i was, like, hey! i tried to be your friend and i wanted to come in with you, stephen, but you wouldn't let me, but here i am now. touch me again. thank you. >> stephen: do you work out? i work out. only this arm, though. (laughter) i'm like arrrrr! touch my arm and see what i do. >> stephen: you flexed?! i did not! >> stephen: you didn't care
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that's a man secure in his own manliness. >> yeah, and that was me flexing. >> stephen: you are an american citizen now. >> i am. i have been for some time. (applause) that's why if trump becomes president i'm, like, you can't touch me, i'm here, it's cool. >> stephen: you got in under the trump limit, as we call it. >> the scottish people are out building a wall. >> stephen: they already had one. >> no, the romans built the wall to keep the scottish people out. >> stephen: couldn't do it. it's a lesson from our history. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you more patriotic than regular americans because you chose america. you married into this family knowing what you were getting. the rest of us were born here. >> to be fair, first of all, trump wasn't running for president when i am an american citizen (applause) >> stephen: that's true. and i also think, yes, a little bit in the sense that you're catholic but you were
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>> stephen: i can leave anytime, though. >> yeah, but you know people who become catholics later on in life -- >> stephen: they pray with the elbows out. >> they're a little more jesus-y than the regular catholic. >> stephen: because they chose. >> changing your nationality is an act of faith, any faith is enhanced by having a little doubt and concern. when i look at my own patriotism, it's still fervent and there, but it's a little different than it was of the july fourth feeling of becoming a citizen. now it's, like, how do become involved in electing the thing. >> stephen: did you become a >> no. >> stephen: it's like asking a girl to marry you at the top of
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>> did you do that? >> stephen: no, i'm not as romantic as i could be. >> i'm sure you wife said okay, anyway. don't propose a woman on top of the eiffel tower because you want a woman to settle for less. >> stephen: the bottom of a mine shaft. >> that's correct. it's going to be better, baby! >> stephen: why "join or die?" can i get a shot of that? >> that's a tattoo on my arm. ben franklin put this in a cartoon, we must come together, a united calling. so it became a symbol of the united colonies which became the united states and i thought it would be nice to get that when i became a citizen.
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>> stephen: does this deal with a part of american history. >> i think the first years were too contemporary. i think we should go back a little further. right now it tends to be in the last 50 to 100 years and tends to be american history. these are some of the topics -- >> stephen: these are some of the topics coming up on the new show, can i ask you about them? >> yeah. but i'm not putting myself out as a history buff. i'm not buff like you are buff. >> stephen: or in the buff. well... >> stephen: ratings, ratings. ratings are important. >> stephen: never say never. i don't know if me being naked will get anybody watch the history channel. >> stephen: we'll get to see the other tattoo! >> we watched dynasty and now a naked dude, yeah! >> stephen: well, it's the history channel. for a long time it was hitler then aliens. >> that's part of our history, stephen, whether you like it or not, hitler! >> stephen: and aliens.
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>> stephen: yeah, that was a good hitler alien! that was spooky! (applause) >> yes, i only work out on this side -- (german accent) >> stephen: most overrated figure in american history and why? who's that? >> at the moment, i think it has to be kanye, but later... (laughter) >> stephen: he's in debt. i don't believe it. i think it's a ploy. >> stephen: really? how can he be in debt? >> stephen: have you seen how he lives? it was possible. >> he's got clothing lines and, you know, doesn't that make you rich if you have a clothing line? >> stephen: i've never had a clothing line. do you have a clothing line? >> i'd like to put one together. >> stephen: we're in the wrong business. >> 50-year-old scottish dude. i want to look like that guy! >> stephen: do you remember
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your american -- for your citizenship test? >> no, i did it when it was easier. they changed the test and made it harder. when i did it, it's like, do you hate al quaida? you're in! >> stephen: that was it? yeah. >> stephen: are you still scottish? do you have dual citizenship? >> yes, you can have it removed. your people are originally from france, i would imagine. >> stephen: no, mine are from ireland. it's sort of fake french, but i'm from ireland. >> you changed your name to frenchjt >> stephen: it's cole-bert, but i'm pretentious. >> he said something so deprecating and you went, yea! you guys are jerks! >> stephen: what's your question? >> i was thinking about trump because i thought it might come up in my discussions.
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yeah. >> well, that's the (bleep) problem right there! can i say that on cbs now? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, yeah! you can say (bleep) all you want on cbs now! yeah! that's one of the biggest they love it! they love it! >> if i had known that i would have (bleep) stayed! (laughter) but his mother is scottish and you're looking at a man whose enough therapy. >> stephen: who tees the greatest scot? >> sean connery, without a doubt. >> stephen: are you guys from the same area. >> no, it's a east coast-west coast thing. it's a biggie tupac. >> stephen: do you have a beef? >> no, he's 84 years old and can
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>> stephen: "join or die with craig ferguson" premieres february 18th at 11:00 pm on the history channel. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) honey, do you know where my beige socks are? check the walk-in closet. richard! there are two types of people in the world. those who are content to blend in- these people walk through life like beige socks. then there are those who expect more. they're exciting. they have pizzazz. eventually, the beige sock people get devoured by the ones who stand out. do you want to be devoured? no! what is that? it's the new kia optima. it's like the world's most exciting pair of socks, but it's a midsize sedan. whoa!
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you want more of it. change the way you experience tv with x1 from xfinity. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guests are cover models of the 2016 "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition. please welcome, hailey clauson and ashley graham! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you! >> stephen: congratulationons the cover. it's like winning the super bowl of beauty. how does it feel?
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of "sports illustrated." >> stephen: same feelings? oh, my gosh, it's the biggest moment of my life. >> stephen: it might be the last magazine people still buy. >> i never thought about that! >> stephen: but 70 million people will see these covers and 20 million of them are women. 20 million women buy this. >> i think we're going to get a few more million because now group of women. i mean, hailey, me -- (applause) >> stephen: there are three covers here. i'm not sure i can actually show this one on cbs. >> go girl! >> stephen: that's you, hailey. ashley, this is you. (cheers and applause) and then the third cover is rhonda. >> we miss you, rhonda! >> stephen: rhonda's not here because like the state of the union, one of you has to be in a secure location while the other
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like the vice president has to be in a secure location. >> we have a big possie surrounding us at all times. >> stephen: ashley, you are the first plus size model on the cover. >> curve-a-sex-a-alicious. (applause) >> stephen: we have a boxer on the cover. >> yes. >> stephen: do you think the industry standards for what is beautiful in a woman are expanding? >> of course. i mean, we're all representing something else. i mean, i think i'm kind of the in between because i was always that girl that was in the fashion industry and then became a woman and nobody knew what to do with me. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> well, i hit puberty. >> stephen: oh, okay. and they're, like, well, you're done. >> stephen: you were done? i was done.
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catwalk are a 2. >> stephen: what are you? a 4. >> stephen: how do you work at all! (laughter) what size are you, ashley? >> a 14-16, depending on the time of day. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: rhonda being the third person, this is like a shell game. she has a painted-on bathing suit. she's essentially naked. that bathing suit is painted on. you have half a bathing suit and a full bathing suit on. so between the three covers, only 1 1/2 bathing suit there. >> i took mine off. >> stephen: you did? hailey's cover, that's so beautiful. i i had doing just one hand but there is a lot -- (laughter)
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charity called alda. >> it means wave in ice lantic. five curvy models started aldawomen.com. we're changing lives of young women, going to different camps letting women know you're worthy and don't let society tell you you're not (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i've done -- i did one "sports illustrated" cover years ago -- (cheers and applause) but i was hoping y'all could teach me how to properly pose on the cover, get into the spirit of it. >> i think holding your nipples. >> stephen:ly try to find them. give us a tropical location to
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(tropical music) this is my sexy prop. >> arch your back. >> stephen: are you going to yell through this entire thing? look how short i am. okay, so arch my back? >> arch your back. pooch your lips out. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you can be sexy anywhere. let's get sexy someplace else. next location. what if we got, jim? >> ooh! >> stephen: iceland. do the haley cover. >> wow! that was good! next one. here we are at black hole.
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try not to get sucked in. >> we're on a journey. >> stephen: head back. (cheers and applause) lastly, let's take the ultimate location where we're all going in the end, hell. we're sexy devils. (cheers and applause) well, the "sports illustrated" swimsuit edition is available on news stands and online now. hailey clauson and ashley
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is the junior senator from new jersey. please welcome cory booker! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> good to see brother baptiste over there. >> stephen: oh, yeah! in your last show --
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>> we were standing together. i wasn't singing. i was mouthing the words. >> stephen: let's mouth some >> let's do. >> stephen: you have a new book called "united: thoughts on finding common ground and advancing the common good." we are so politically divided how do we find common ground anymore? is my common ground not necessarily yours? can we agree on what is common anymore? >> i think we can more than we know. our differences matter but our country matters more. when you focus on country and patriotism, it necessitates a love of americans. love is not a wimpy word. it's actually a hard, difficult word and it means reaching out. we often have this idea we should just tolerate each other. tolerance is a week start. it just says we should stomach each other's right to be different, if you disappear from
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bert or worse off. but we as a nation aspired to move beyond tolerance to love, to recognize we need each other and we're our greatest hopes. an old african saying, if you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go with another. >> stephen: where is the love in the senate? who can you share your love with? let's talk about some of the people running for president now. there are some senators running for pt. senator sanders, senator cruz. >> there are some senators actually not running for president right now. (laughter) >> stephen: some people say donald trump keeps accusing ted cruz of having nobody who will work with him. have you worked with ted cruz? >> yes, we introduced and passed legislation together. went down there not to be new jersey's democratic senator but i represent eeverybody. i got great advice from a former senator bill bradley. he said don't pre-judge the people you're with. take time to get to know them
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a lot of the republican senators showed me extraordinary kindness and sat and worked with me. i work with people based on we can find common ground. people would go past our dinner table, do a double take and say this is the presidential ticket in 2020, and i would look at them and say no way. (laughter) but through that conversation, we said let's find something we can work on together. there are issues we agree on. we passed a piece of legislation together last year and i'm very proud of that. >> stephen: let's talk about what is going to be, for all, you know, the hope of love, there is going to be a battle royal over whether or not barack obama can reasonably nominate someone to replace justice scalia in the last year of his term. >> right. >> stephen: mitch mcconnell, leader of the republicans in the senate and leader of the senate
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majority said can't do it, it violates press precedent. what do you think? >> what you said in the beginning of the show about justice scalia, the power of human kindness, people underestimate that. we are here because of a conspiracy of love. we have a great man theory, where great men descended, george washington, martin luther king, and led us to a better country. but that's not the truth of our history. it's extraordinary americans doing extraordinary acts of kindness of service and love, people leaving their homes to do goodness and kindness. i don't think you share philosophy of jurisprudence as transformative power. i'm sheer because my father born in jim crow, north carolina, to a poor mother -- he was po, could cannent afford the other
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take care of him. so the small acts of kindness of people in the town who took him in, put a roof over his head, he had no history of kindness, but it was people who did small things, church collection to help him go to college. what's the r.o.i. on kindness but it reverberates in the generations. i know we get caught up in the political battle of the day, but far more important is goodness every day. the biggest thing we can do any kindness. and i meet people like that on the campaign trial who come up and talk to me about their overcoming addiction. they talk about being homeless and their stories of personal trials always seem to be laced people. we have a broken criminal justice system. >> stephen: let me ask you -- please. >> stephen: if you would like to help other people, help me on >> okay.
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can nominate somebody for the supreme court? just answer that question. (applause) >> i will answer the question. i know you're trying to get to the -- >> stephen: i just want a yes or no. >> so people -- (laughter) >> stephen: i mean, that was beautiful. that was beautiful. i loved every minute of it, but let's be serious. (laughter) >> you sound like my last girlfriend. let's get to the point. >> stephen: uh-huh, so? o as i read the constitution, it clearly says, we have an obligation, the president has an obligation to fill the vacancy, to allow the seat to remain vacant for a year with all the consequential things going through now would be unacceptable. >> stephen: it would be 4-4 ties and a year of 4-4 4 ties and they would have to do a coin toss or something like that. >> you have a great sister who ran for office, but they say
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sister, and i know -- >> stephen: i don't know anything about what you're talking about. (laughter) >> we need to aspire in our country, whether it's about the supreme court or whatever, to evidence the best of who we are, and it's not always winning or beating down somebody, it's about elevating others, embracing others. >> stephen: and being united. yes, it is. >> stephen: cory booker, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> .>> stephen: "united" hits the shelves tomorrow. senator booker.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: eke welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the world darts champion. please welcome scott waites! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how does one become a world darts champion? who gets to say who is the world darts champion? >> possibly the person who puts in the most practice in the
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you have a choice, playing the world championship and best -- >> stephen: i didn't catch all that but practicing helps a lot. is there an organization? who certifies you as a the best? >> b.d.o., the british dart organization. >> stephen: they have the world championship, not just print. >> yes. basically the world championship is every country in the world, everybody has a chance to participate in the world championship. >> stephen: what other countries are big besides britain? >> possibly the biggest country is holland. >> hole. >> holland. >> stephen: really, dutch? big in america but they play a lot of soft tip. >> stephen: what is soft tip and can that be fixed? (laughter) who came up with the idea of
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(laughter) do you know the history? >> there was a guy in england called robin hood. >> stephen: oh, sure! he didn't have mig to throw his arrows at and went into the pub and threw his arrows about. >> stephen: in america we would call that primo (bleep). (applause) millions of people watch the >> yes. >> stephen: how cothey fit in the pub? >> well -- >> stephen: is it broadcast? it's broadcast all over england, and then streamed all over the world. we play in country clubs that can hold 2,000 people. >> stephen: wow. o all these people can watch. >> stephen: is drinking encouraged?
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behind the scenes but not in front of the cameras. >> stephen: you can have a few pints before you go out? >> if you're inclined. have before a game. (laughter) >> stephen: do you want to have a go at it? >> yes. >> stephen: let's have a little competition here. >> okay. >> stephen: now, this is your music that you enter to. >> yes. >> stephen: what's it called? chelsea dugger. >> stephen: you sit over here and this is your board, this is my board. to hopefully help me win i will be joined by former british person craig ferguson. craig, would you please come out? (cheers and applause) craig, thank you so much. so you and i will throw two darts for every single one of yours and we'll go around the clock. okay. scott, you go statement. >> ready, everybody?
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and start! >> one! three! >> stephen: i nearly got a dart in my head then, ferguson! here we go. >> hey, hey! three! >> (laughter) >> stephen: he's smoking us! this is stupid! four. seven. >> what are you at seven? seven. oh, (bleep)! (bleep)! yeah! >> stephen: you're all set! you're all set! >> keep going, keep going. you take three. >> all right, great. >> stephen: we're going for six, six is at 3:00. >> 14! 6!
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7 down in the corner. >> 7! >> stephen: go for 8. i don't know where it is. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: let's try to beat him to 20. >> is he still going? i thought he already won! >> stephen: that's 20. scott waites, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! world darts champion scott waites! we'll be right back!

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