tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC October 25, 2014 12:36am-1:38am EDT
♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everyone. good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? is everybody good? [ cheers and applause ] that is just great to hear. i'm going to be honest with you, that is great to hear. [ cheers ] let's get started. this is crazy to me. this news is crazy to me. former secret service chief, julia pearson, reportedly said this summer that the agency needed to be more like disney world. [ laughter ] more like disney world in its approach to protecting the president. that way -- what that means is that way, intruders could still get into the white house but
they could never remember where they parked. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you'd catch them in the parking lot. that's how it works. you get them in the parking lot. [ laughter ] they want it to be more like disney world. i guess they started by giving the fence-jumper a fast pass. he got a fast pass. [ laughter and applause ] i might have said fast past when i said that, which is different. [ laughter ] fast pass is what you want when you go to disney world. don't get the fast past -- because it's not a thing. if you pay for the fass past, you're throwing money away. [ laughter ] listen to this. after a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby prince george, lawyers for prince william and kate middleton said that their son must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible. then they added, "now, get away from our castle!
get away! lower the drawbridge!" [ laughter and applause ] this is pretty cool. major league baseball has announced that it will begin testing new rules meant to speed up the game. of course, they'll have to change the song. ♪ for it's one two strikes you're out at the old ball game ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "get away from our castle!" [ laughter ] this is crazy. north korea has reportedly been digging a tunnel all the way to south korea. and they're making good progress because to dig the hole, they're using the same team that shovels food into kim jong-un's mouth. [ laughter and applause ] they're using their best
shovelers. they're using their very best shovelers. i was surprised to hear this. in a recent statement, vladimir putin said that ukraine has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to russia. and sometimes, sisters fight. when one sister steals the other sister's boyfriend, crimea. [ laughter and applause ] it's just a fight. that's all it is. just sisters fighting. [ applause ] there is a new study out and we're huge fans of new studies here at "late night." a new study has found that viagra can cause blindness in 1 in 50 men. which means that for those men, things get even harder. [ laughter and applause ] this is interesting. according to a new report, nearly 16% of people in the u.s.
don't have access to the internet. they're called time warner customers. [ laughter and applause ] i thought this was kind of cool. coke -- coke is launching a new product called coca-cola lite, which they say is a mid-calorie soda between diet coke and coke classic. though drinking it too much could lead to type 1 1/2 diabetes. [ laughter and applause ] so, it could be worse. this is not great. some scary news -- a man is being held in isolation in hawaii under fears that he may have ebola. and of course in hawaii, ebola also means "good-bye." [ laughter and applause ] [ laughter ]
not sure -- not sure what to think about this -- a new policy from the american academy of pediatrics advises using implanted birth control over the pill for teenagers. you know, i had implanted birth control when i was a teen. they were called braces. [ cheers ] and they worked great. they worked great. [ laughter and applause ] any "real housewives" fans here? [ cheers ] i'm so sorry for you. [ laughter ] well, the husband of one of the real housewives of new jersey has been sentenced to 41 months in prison, 41 months in prison. he says he's disappointed in the judge's decision, but 41 months away from his wife is still better than nothing.
[ laughter and applause ] and finally, i could not believe this. air canada is conducting an investigation to find out which of its pilots has been stashing porn in plane cockpits. [ laughter ] though if there's any place that sounds like you should be allowed to hide porn, it's the cockpit. ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how we doing, 8g band? everybody good over there? you look great, you sound great. it's always such a joy to see you. i had a little bit of disappointment last night. any baseball fans in the house tonight? do we have any baseball fans? [ cheers ] i am -- i'm a red sox fan. my dad's from pittsburgh, so i'm
also a pirates fan. some people would say, "oh, i get it. now, you're a pirates fan because they made playoffs after 20 years of being out of it the last few years. you're a fairweather fan." i definitely am. [ laughter ] but i've really enjoyed these last few years of the pirates being in the playoffs. and they lost last night 8-0 to the giants, so they are out of the playoffs which was sad for me but congratulations to any san francisco giants fans. they certainly deserved it after last night. i was at an event. i couldn't watch the game. i was at an event with my wife. and it was one of those things where i was an awful person at an event who was checking my phone. and i got a text from one of my friends saying the pirates are down 4-0 and right as it happened, i had to take a photo with my wife at this event. [ light laughter ] we saw it today. and she was basically admonishing me for being at this event -- this was my face in the picture. look. [ laughter ] i'm just very angry that i could not as an adult process the
emotion that my baseball team was losing and cover it up for the photo. but anyways, i couldn't. that's just how i am. but i can't wait for next year for both pirates and the red sox. we've got an excellent show for you tonight. she just won an emmy for her stand up special "we are miracles" and now she's hosting "saturday night live" this week. the very funny sarah silverman is here. [ cheers and applause ] also stopping by, the creator and star of the new fox sitcom "mulaney," my good friend john mulaney is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] it's very, it's very exciting for me. very exciting tonight because both of these guys are very good friends of mine. very good friends of mine. [ cheers and applause ] as you know, fred armisen is still off in portland shooting "portlandia." and we like to keep fred involved in the show when he's gone. and one thing we've found that fred does really well is he gives good advice because he
genuinely cares about people. so, each week, we've been inviting our viewers to ask fred for advice via video with the hashtag #askfredlnsm for a segment we call "ask fred." ♪ ask fred [ cheers ] >> seth: so, this week you asked. fred answered. and here are those results. >> fred: hi, i'm fred. i'm in portland shooting "portlandia." and welcome to another edition of "ask fred." >> hi friend, i'm carlin. my question for you is how do i convince my parents to let me buy a pet mouse and what should i name it? thanks. [ laughter ] >> fred: hey, carlin. that's a good one. you want to convince your parents to buy you a pet mouse. i would do this. i would get the mouse first and then tell them that it's a little robot that you invented and you created. so, they will be so impressed that like, it moves around. you'd be like, "isn't it lifelike? oh, my god, i can't believe i put this together, this like fake fur that i put on there and
those little eyes. i mean, look at this thing." and they'll think you're a genius. [ light laughter ] and as far as a name, therefore you should give it a very robotic name. so lk12.000o5klmoommn2900021. [ laughter ] >> hi, fred. i want to know the best way to let your roommates know that you need a little bit more privacy. [ light laughter ] >> fred: hi, okay. you want to let your roommates know that you need more privacy. and i take it that those are your roommates there. i would say -- fart a lot. [ laughter ] just have a constant -- bubble of fart all around you so it's like a cushion of privacy. this way it's its own message to your roommates that you need that space. >> fred, we're having twins and we've figured out one name but we can't figure out a second name. can you help?
>> fred: congratulations on having twins. that's great. um -- there's a name that i like. and it's up to you to take it, but it's -- lk1005001mmno1.111olm29000102. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you so much, fred. as helpful as always. we wiil be right back with more "late night" after this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ the beam family has a long history of doing things their own way. in fact, they age every drop of jim beam twice as long as the law requires for a true kentucky straight bourbon. ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to the show. you know, here at "late night" we keep it real. we keep it fresh. and if there's ever a -- oh, boy. [ laughter ] okay, everybody, stay calm. i think i smell smoke. and as we all know, when there's smoke, there's fire. and if there's a fire in the studio then you know it's time for "ya burnt." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome to the burn zone. we have a lot of topics to torch and not a lot of time. to my left is the burner. let's turn on the gas and light her up. [ cheers ] all right. first up, the secret service.
hey, secret service, i think i know what your secret is -- you suck at your jobs. [ laughter ] you're supposed to be taking a bullet for the president, not an ambien. [ laughter ] you had a guy with a knife jump a fence and get into the white house. it's the president's home. it should be harder to get into than arizona state. [ laughter ] hang on a second. i think i'm getting something here. oh, yeah. ya burnt! [ laughter ] u2, you guys are legends but you tried to give away your music for free and people weren't having it. now, you're one step away from being that guy who goes around times square with cds saying, "hey, you like hip-hop?" [ laughter ] why would you give your music away for free? the people old enough to like your music are the only people left who still pay for music, people like me. [ laughter ] so, now if i want to spend money on music, i have to go buy the new ariana grande, which i thought was a coffee. [ laughter ] u2? no, you burnt. [ applause ]
sunflower seeds. okay, let me get this straight. i have to put a dirty shell in my mouth, crack it open, spit it back out, do it 100 more times and i'm still hungry? i'm sorry, am i a macaw? [ laughter ] why am i eating individual seeds? there's a million foods out there that don't need to be orally shucked. you're not a snack. you're a job. so, sunflower seeds, i heard some people like you oven roasted. let's hope they like ya burnt! [ laughter and applause ] geno smith, quarterback for the new york jets, you just lost your third came in a row and then cursed out your own fans. come on, geno. you really think dropping an f-bomb would upset them? they're jets fans. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] "[ bleep ] you" is a wedding vow to them. [ laughter ] why don't you focus on getting your team out of the gutter? you're playing so bad even my dog wants michael vick to start. oh! [ audience ohs ] j-e-t-s burnt burnt burnt! [ applause ] hey, leaves. what's up? [ laughter ]
how does it feel that we'll drive three hours out of the city just to watch you die? [ laughter ] if people changed colors the way leaves did, visiting grandparents would be a national pastime. you have to see grandma. she's turning the most amazing crimson. [ laughter ] hey, leaves. you're red, you're orange, you're brown and now you're in a bonfire because ya burnt! [ applause ] george clooney, you just got married. congrats i guess? you were the greatest bachelor of all-time and you gave it up for weekend trips to bed, bath and beyond. at least, it was to someone relatively age-appropriate. at 36, your new wife is old enough to be derek jeter's girlfriend's mom. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] clooney, you better get back to the e.r. because ya burnt! [ laughter and applause ] and real quick -- hey, bono, i heard you were at the wedding. were you invited or did you just show up like in the iphone 6? u2, ya double burnt! [ laughter and applause ] hey, utah. yeah, you knew i was coming, utah. [ laughter ] according to a new study, you're the happiest state in the country.
so what that study really found out was that most of you have never left utah. did you know there are states out there where you can order a beer without having to order food? also, what's with the shape, utah? you look like a rectangle that got a lobotomy. [ laughter ] i think the only reason you're happy is because you got a contact high from sitting next to colorado. they're just lighting up over there. but you, ya burnt! [ laughter and applause ] west virginia, you were found to be the least happy state in the country. sounds like you could use a break. listen, i know everyone makes fun of you for being a hillbilly backwater where people marry their cousins, but guess what? hillbillies are hilarious. backwaters are beautiful and my cousin is pretty hot. [ laughter ] and that's why, west virginia, you are this week's unburnable. ascend it to the heavens, west virginia. ♪ [ applause ] pumpkins! when god created you, i bet he was like, "you know, i made so many beautiful things, maybe i now i'll make a vegetable that looks like a weird, orange lumpy butt." [ laughter ] the only thing worse than the outside of a pumpkin is the inside of a pumpkin. there are hardened crime scene
investigators who clean up after serial killers for a living and every time they carve a pumpkin, they throw up. pumpkins, you're gross and ya burnt. [ laughter ] animals. all right, animals, what are you doing living in the woods like a bunch of hobos? evolve, get some thumbs, buy some clothes. oh, you're hungry? get a job you bunch of free loaders. and for the love of god, figure out what to do with your poop because i'm tired of being evolved. and not that you understand words, but ya burnt! [ laughter and applause ] kim jong-un, which i believe translates to "fat guy with stupid haircut." [ laughter ] you've been missing for almost a month. did anyone check the husky boys section at jcpenney? [ laughter ] some sources claim you got gout from eating too much cheese. others are saying you broke both of your ankles. did you eat so much cheese that your ankles broke? [ laughter ] you know you're politically unpopular when even your ankles won't support you. ya kim, ya soft, ya burnt! [ laughter and applause ] up next, single moms just doing their best -- [ buzzer ] uh-oh, that buzzer means we've run out of time. you've caught a break, single
moms. this has been "ya burnt!" sit tight. we'll be right back with sarah silverman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ started my camry. drove to her wedding. did not forever hold my peace. [laughing] wow! the bold new camry. one bold choice leads to another. toyota. let's go places. sweered lobster'sory! endless shrimp ends soon! the year's largest variety. like new spicy siriacha shrimp, or parmesan shrimp scampi. as much as you like, any way you like. but it won't last long, so hurry in today. and sea food differently.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everyone. our first guest is a two-time emmy award winning comedienne, writer and actress whose latest stand-up special "we are miracles" is available now on cd and digital download. and this weekend she'll be hosting "saturday night live" with musical guest maroon 5. please welcome sarah silverman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: i'm so happy you're here. >> i know! >> seth: you look so beautiful. >> i know! >> seth: you do. [ laughter ] it's gorgeous. >> i woke up like this. >> seth: i have seen you. >> i'm kidding. i have a wonderful team. [ laughter ] >> seth: you do. everyone talks about your team. >> oh. >> seth: i am on a streak, consecutive streak, of seeing you looking beautiful though. the last time i see you, you just won an emmy.
i saw you backstage. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's right. >> seth: it was so great and so exciting. >> there was a lot of stiff competition. >> seth: there was. i was nominated in the same category and i was delighted to lose to you. >> can i say? i'm going to embarrass you. >> seth: okay. >> i feel enraged because i feel that not enough was made about how brilliant you were hosting the emmys. >> seth: oh, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> you did not -- there was not - a weak moment. there wasn't a wrong turn. it just -- you know your strengths. and you -- you know your incredible weaknesses. >> seth: thank you again. i do. [ laughter ] >> no, but it's so -- it's fun to watch you. your jokes are all home runs. it was just -- it was very exciting. and i remember many years ago, you hosted nontelevised the webby awards. >> seth: i did, yes. that's where i got my start. >> and i said, i was a little high, but i remember turning to lisa kudrow. and i was like, he should host the oscars. he's brilliant!
>> seth: well, that's very nice. i also have a wonderful team much like you so i should give them credit as well. >> you're usually other people's teams. >> seth: that's true. well it's nice when you're on both sides. it's very helpful. because when you do people favors, as you know in show business, like, it's great, because then they have to do you favors. [ laughter ] >> that's how i got smigel to help write me some stuff this week. because i was like, remember i got katy perry to do your autism benefit? >> seth: oh, that's great. [ laughter ] so robert smigel, a famous "snl" writer, this -- how weird is it for you being back there? >> i called him crying last night. >> seth: okay. >> he helps me with a couple of things. >> seth: oh that's great. it must be so intense. you've been -- it's 20 years ago that you were on the show. you were so young -- >> it was a few years ago. [ laughter ] >> seth: you -- i can't -- this is a photo of you back in the day. >> okay. >> seth: look at that. first of all, is that your writing style? >> i, um -- >> this looks like a sketch because you have that -- new york -- iconic new york puffy coat. >> right, right. >> seth: like, cigarettes -- [ laughter ] >> that -- that -- that's funny. because -- i -- okay.
i'm wearing boxer shorts. >> seth: yeah. >> and like long men's socks. >> seth: right. >> and the reason why is tuesday night the writers write all through the night overnight. >> seth: yes. they sleep there, yeah. >> and, as a woman especially, about 3:00, you get very gamey. >> seth: mm-hmm. [ laughter ] and -- catty corner to the office i was in was ian maxtone graham. >> seth: yes. a famous writer. >> it gave you an idea of how white the staff was. [ laughter ] and i was a peon. he didn't really talk to me. i didn't really talk to him. now we're very friendly. but -- and -- he was very scary. and he had a little refrigerator that always had grape nuts and yogurt. which i would steal when he wasn't around and eat like a starving scavenger. >> seth: right. >> and he had a drawer of like freshly pressed, like, boxer shorts and, like, a drawer of socks. and i don't know what kind of psychopath i was. but in the middle of the night, i would go in when he wasn't there, i would take them, i would put them on --
[ light laughter ] and i would wear them. and if he found me in the hall way, i just kind of had an attitude like, "say something." [ laughter ] i really, like -- i don't know what i was thinking. he never said anything. probably because he was like, "this person's insane." >> seth: yeah. and he had a pretty good case. [ laughter ] >> he did have a -- i am -- i mean, it's insane. it is insane. and he -- you know, i mean, i say he's white. ian maxtone graham. all the harvard writers there would make fun of ian maxtone graham because he only went to brown. >> seth: oh, wow. so he was like a gutter person then. >> yeah. comedians were like, you know, we were like scrappy people who were like, "you think you're so great because you went to harvard?" you know? and they'd be like, "who are you?" and we'd be like, "oh, did you learn comedy at school? is that what you learned? did you take a comedy class?" [ laughter ]
>> seth: now, they made me repaid you for this kindness by putting you in some pretty rough -- see, because when you started at "snl" you oftentimes -- you think it's a burn like, when you have to be the waiter or you're the person at the table - >> that would be a dream. >> seth: that would be a dream. because you had one of the worst burns ever. >> to give you an idea of how long ago it was, charlton heston was the host. [ laughter ] >> seth: right. so it's not recent. >> may he rest in peace. with like guns loaded. >> seth: yeah. >> and i remember it was my birthday. and you know on your birthday, you get roses from lorne. i knew i'd be like, "lorne, thank you for the roses you sent me for my birthday today." >> seth: sure. >> because you know he has no idea that -- that it even -- [ laughter ] and -- >> seth: i, sarah, would like to thank you for the roses you sent me today. >> i'm a writer on the show, and you sent me wonderful roses, because you remembered it was my birthday. [ laughter ] so -- of course there was a
"planet of the apes" bit. and pretty much if i was on at all, i was like somebody asking like a pretend question from the audience or something. well this day, i -- we had to be "planet of the apes" apes. >> seth: right. [ light laughter ] >> and because i was lowest man on the totem pole, being a woman. [ laughter ] no, being a new person there. a different world now. i had at noon, i had to have a face, a gorilla face, glued onto my face. at noon. for the show at 11:30. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] >> and i had the worst cold of my life. so underneath -- underneath my face is my face. and it's just -- my nose is just running. [ laughter ] it's just running. and i can't wipe it. and due to that, it made me cry.
and then i'm just crying and my nose is running. and there's a face glued to my face. [ laughter ] and so i just -- i shut down. i remember i fell asleep in the writer's room and i had a coat that i brought at -- that had, like, one of those fake fur collars. and i had it and somebody took a polaroid and i wish it was still existed. but, of this just little girl like sleeping in a little fur collar hat with an ape face. [ laughter ] so sad. [ applause ] >> seth: you've had really rough moments with that show. >> yeah. >> seth: and like you can be really sad and costumed at "snl," which is one of my favorite things. people would get a scene cut and they're dressed like spongebob and really sad. that's the best thing about "snl." it's like -- but they're dressed ridiculous. and it's like, "can't believe it's cut!" and you're like, "hey, chill spongebob. it's fine." [ laughter ] you -- when you were there, al franken, now a senator, was there. and i have heard tell that you stabbed him in the head with a pencil.
>> hand me a pencil. >> seth: okay. >> since you have a whole thing of them. >> seth: i can't believe i'm doing that because i'm the only head nearby. >> well, we'll pretend he's here. >> seth: okay. >> i still -- i don't know how to explain this well. but -- al became like a father figure to me. and in writers' room -- in the writers' room, doing rewrites and stuff, i always sat next to him for, you know. and i would always be kind of leaning back in my chair like this, you know. cool kid. and uh -- really cool. [ laughter ] and -- there's like an inner monologue going on. and i don't know if i was thinking in words or pictures. you know how you like, you don't know. but i know that it was a winter so he had a really big jew fro. >> seth: mm-hmm. [ laughter ] >> they grow them for the winter. and i was just kind of like a million miles away, looking at his hair. and then, and, and the whole table just has really sharpened pencils, like super sharp. and i'm like this. and in my mind i just thought i'm going to like stab this through his hair.
[ laughter and applause ] but what everyone saw, because this is what happened -- [ laughter ] was i just went -- [ laughter ] and stabbed him. i stabbed him thus. really hard. because i went -- i was going to go through the hair, in my mind. just went in, in his temple. [ laughter ] and he screamed something like, "why?" >> seth: again, a fair question. >> i would have answered that question but i couldn't because i was laughing so hard -- [ laughter ] --and crying from laughing. which looks even crazier. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> i think. >> seth: wearing another man's boxer shorts and socks. >> yeah. and i somehow wasn't asked back for the next season.
i don't know how it happened. >> seth: one of the craziest things about it, we are from the same tiny town in new hampshire. >> crazy. >> we are from bedford, new hampshire. >> yes. >> seth: and -- >> how's larry? >> seth: larry's very good. larry's my father. you know, who you know which is great. >> i love your mother and i can't think of her name. that's why i didn't say it. >> seth: hillary. >> hillary. you never think of moms named hillary. >> seth: yeah, well, i got one. >> except for hillary clinton i guess. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. but it's so funny because we didn't know each other growing up. but you were so young when you'd gone on "snl" that i knew people who knew you and i always thought, "oh, well, there's not two people from this town. and sandler's from one town over and i just thought, i'm never going to get on the show because it's now going to be three people from this part of new hampshire. >> especially jews from a place where there are no jews. i know you're not really jewish. he isn't really jewish. >> seth: yeah, i'm getting closer every day. yeah, yeah. >> there's a little jewish in there. >> seth: yeah, exactly. >> i don't want to -- >> seth: but, the first time -- [ laughter ] the first time my brother and i met you, we were in l.a. and you -- we saw you perform. and we're in the parking lot and you came out, and we're saying like, "should we say hello?
should we say hello?" and we walked over -- >> you did say hello. >> seth: we did! and you were so nice to us. we said, "we're from, you know, bedford, new hampshire, as well and we're trying to get in comedy." and you were like, "cool. do you want to play wiffleball in the parking lot?" immediately. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: and you, we walked you to your car and you just had wiffleball stuff in the back. >> and you probably thought i had a whole bunch of friends and were all going to play wiffleball. >> seth: i did. >> it was just me. >> seth: no one else came out so we played wiffleball in the parking lot with you. and i was talking to my brother today. and i was saying, "do you remember this story?" and he goes, "yeah." and my brother said, "my favorite part was at one point we hit a ball, a wiffleball, at some guy's truck. and the guy walked out and said, 'hey, cool it.' and you told him, you told the guy stop being a pussy." [ laughter ] >> i did? [ screams and applause ] for me, like, when a parking lot is empty, when a parking lot is empty, all i can think of, like "oh, we should be playing wiffleball here." like, it's so fun. >> seth: but you go -- you know, in our business, you're sometimes lucky enough to meet people that you wanted to meet for a long time.
i remember my brother and i were driving home and we'd known about you forever. and i was saying like, "i can't believe we met sarah, told her we were from bedford, and instead of us saying, like, 'oh that's so cool. nice to meet you', we played wiffleball, and she called a guy a pussy." [ laughter ] we got the full sarah silverman experience the first time we met you. and it was so nice of you, and it means the world to me. and thank you so much for being here. >> aww. my pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: sarah silverman everyone! "we are miracles." "we are miracles." it's in stores now. and make sure to watch her hosting "saturday night live" this week with maroon 5. we'll be right back with john mulaney! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ body. it hugs you. [jeffery] i don't have to think about how to get comfortable anymore. [evie] this zips off so i can wash it-yes, please. [robert]dude,tempur-pedic is killing it. [kevin] no more tossin' and turnin', trying to find a comfortable spot in bed. [christi] it's really cool to the touch. [chelsea] my tempur-pedic...
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everyone. our next guest is an emmy award winning writer and comedian. he's the creator, writer and star of the upcoming sitcom "mulaney" which premieres this sunday night on fox. let's take a look. >> hearing about childbirth can make me really dizzy. i can even faint. it all started in the seventh grade when we watched "the miracle of life" video. all those 1980s actors with their sperm and their fallopian tubes. [ laughter ] i was out! when i came to, i was lying on the floor looking up at a poster of lavar burton that said "read." [ laughter ] >> you're afraid of vaginas. >> i am not! i think they're great. i feel about vaginas the way i do about america.
i love it but every once in a while it does things that disgust me. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome back to the show my good friend, john mulaney! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ 'so good to see you, buddy. >> good to see you man. >> seth: everything good? >> yeah! how's things with you? >> seth: things are good with me. i'm so -- >> that's good. >> seth: i'm so happy to have you here. it's been such a busy year for you. you've got your show. >> yeah. >> seth: you also got married. i was so honored to be at your wedding. >> thank you for coming to my wedding. we got married in july. it was very exciting. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it was a highlight to see you and your beautiful bride anna get married. more of a highlight, don't take offense, i got to spend time with your grandmother, who i really -- >> yes. >> seth: i really care a lot for your grandma. >> my nana. >> seth: your nana. yeah. >> the other one took grandma so she had to be nana.
>> seth: yes. >> and she's seth's best friend. >> seth: yes. [ laughter ] because it's another crazy coincidence. your that nana and my mother, >> hillary. >> seth: hillary, yes. [ laughter ] they're -- they're both from marblehead, massachusetts. >> they're from marblehead, massachusetts. yes. which is a beach town. >> seth: yes. >> it's not a beach town, it's many things. i'm so sensitive about what i say on tv about marblehead. >> seth: well because people from new england will tell you if you got it wrong. >> oh, yes, they will. >> seth: it's not really a beach town, johnny. >> yeah, not a beach town. and it's not in boston but it's still boston enough. >> seth: right. >> people get drunk and have fights, they just do it like on a public tennis court. [ laughter ] >> seth: a little nicer. >> yeah. >> seth: but your -- this is crazy. your nana and my mother were in a play together. >> yes. >> seth: they were in like a town product of "pills a-popping." >> yes. >> seth: you say "pills a-popping" like everybody's going to know what it is. >> right. [ laughter ] >> seth: well, that's the way -- >> it was a one-off -- a one-off musical stage in marblehead --
>> seth: yeah. >> --where my grandmother and your teenaged mother -- >> seth: yeah. >> --were performing. >> seth: yep. >> do you know who the choreographer of the show was? >> seth: tommy tune. seth: a young tommy tune. >> seth: but only because your nana told me 50 times. [ laughter ] >> so when i was hired as a writer at "saturday night live," she called immediately to tell me that she had a connection. she knew -- she wanted to meet you so that she could tell you that she knew your family owned osbourne's grocery. >> seth: yeah. >> which i -- which i thought you might already know. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] >> but she needed to tell you. >> seth: yeah. >> and she'd be like, "i'm going to tell him." first off, that they were in "pills a-popping." >> seth: yeah. >> and that your mother, in her words, was a stah. >> seth: yeah. she said, "your mother was a stah." >> a stah. >> seth: yes. >> so i was like, "okay. tell him that." you'll never be in the same room with him ever. and then you guys were. >> seth: yeah, we went to see a taping of -- your standup show.
>> yes. [ talking over each other ] >> they were sat next to each other. >> seth: and immediately she gave me the news that my family had owned this grocery store. [ laughter ] which -- was the first i heard of it. you were wrong, nana was right. >> she was right? >> seth: yeah, never heard about any of this. >> oh, wow. that's the thing. in marblehead, you're already famous for just being in marblehead. >> seth: yeah. >> like it's this constant tmz, everyone knows everyone's business there. >> seth: yeah. >> but she was very excited to sit next to you. i believe she spoke to you throughout my entire performance? >> seth: yeah, pretty much. >> i think we should do an extra on the dvd of that standup special that's just the audio feed of them talking about marblehead. [ laughter ] >> seth: now you've been there, how is being married? how do you like it? what's changed? what's the same? >> it's really, really amazing. i married my fianceé. [ laughter ] annamarie tedler. and now i get to say "my wife." >> seth: yeah. >> it's very exciting. >> it is really exciting. >> it has a lot of power to it. it's fun to say "my wife."
i even said it before we got married. we were getting on the airplane once, my ticket said priority access, hers didn't. it's not important why. [ laughter ] i was walking on and i said, "can my wife get on with me?" they're like, "yes, right this way." and i was like, "oh, that is so much better than all those times i was like, 'can my girlfriend come?'" [ laughter ] and yeah, i shouldn't have s aid it like that but still. i'm looking forward to saying that a lot, you know. "get away from my wife! no one talks to my wife!" it's going to be -- going to be beautiful. >> seth: there's some real power to it. >> "i didn't kill my wife!" [ laughter and applause ] that's intriguing. >> seth: we'll be back with more with john mulaney after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night." we're here with john mulaney. bachelor party, did you do the bachelor party? >> yes, yes. i planned the bachelor party. >> seth: okay. >> this is not good. [ laughter ] i didn't plan any part of it. my -- my wife planned all of the wedding -- which is very good. i was like a disinterested
"shark tank" investor. [ laughter ] i was like, "i'll give you this $20,000. i'm curious to see what you'll do with it." [ laughter ] but yes, i had a bachelor party weekend. we were working on this tv show, so we had two days to go to las vegas. it was a very original idea we had. so, some friends and i went to las vegas. and i don't drink or do anything fun anymore. and i was about to get married, so there was nothing there for me. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] >> so, we planned some other activities in las vegas. and they all completely went bust. we were going to go land sailing. which is -- i don't know what it is because we didn't get to do it. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> i believe you're on like a -- a wind surfing board out in the desert. >> seth: okay. >> and the wind, the mighty las vegas winds, blow you and you move to and fro and heavy metal music plays. >> seth: got it. [ laughter ] >> it was 100 degrees and there was no wind. >> seth: okay. >> so, we could not go land sailing. the driver of the land sailing van, like everyone in las vegas, has two jobs. so, he said, "i also run an
explosives range." [ laughter ] >> seth: not a gun range. >> no, an explosives range. >> seth: okay. >> so, we were exhausted. we hadn't slept a lot. so, we thought, "yeah, we should go to an explosives range." we got out of the van and immediately like, pow pow pow, just explosions everywhere. [ laughter ] i was so upset right away. we went inside and they said, "okay, here's the menu." they had like a cash register and like a menu of things you can blow up. and there was this special that day where you could blow up a car. so, we were like, "yeah, let's do that." [ laughter ] and they said, "okay, well, we have to wait two hours to get enough c-4 to blow up a car." we were like, "oh, two hours?" never wondering, like, well, where are you getting the c-4 and the car? [ laughter ] so, that went bust. now, the capper to that day was that, like most young men about to get married, i had gotten 12 tickets to see britney spears at planet hollywood. >> seth: sure, sure. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. yeah. britney spears, the famous
singer, was performing at planet hollywood. and i -- it started as one of those things where you're like, "oh, it'd be so stupid if we went and saw britney spears." and then you commit to it and you make plans. so, then we were like, "okay, we better get there at 7:00." [ laughter ] so -- i thought that i had a booth, vip booth, for 12 people to see britney spears. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> we showed up. we were in suits. >> seth: okay. >> we walked up to the vip desk. strode would be a better word. >> seth: confidently. [ laughter ] >> oh so confident. >> seth: got it. >> walked up there, and i said, "we have a booth under the name mulaney." and the woman just looked at me and started typing and right away, i was like, "we don't have tickets." [ laughter ] she was like, "i don't see mulaney here." we tried everybody's name in the group. then, like, the concert started. like, you could hear britney spears. >> seth: you don't look pathetic when you're outside a britney spears concert in suits trying to find your tickets. >> yeah. [ laughter and applause ] this is us. someone wiping away a tear.
>> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and me staring at her on a monitor. >> seth: that's great. >> under a sign that says vip. [ laughter ] you can't -- you can't look less very important than being shut out in a suit from britney spears. >> seth: i'm so psyched for the show on sunday. >> thank you, buddy. >> seth: you are one of the funniest performers, funniest writers i know. i'm so happy you have your own show. describe it for us real quick. >> this is a show that's on fox. i play a character named john mulaney. >> seth: you'll be great. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] it's a real stretch. >> seth: what's your job? >> i'm a comedian. >> seth: that's great. [ laughter ] >> and i have some friends. >> seth: that's about right. >> yeah, it sounds about right. i have a couple friends. >> seth: there's no one else who would have been better at that. >> i know. and i'm white. >> seth: great. and you have martin short, nasim pedrad, elliott gould. >> yes, and the team that we worked with for many years. elliot gould, martin short, it's an amazing cast. >> seth: that's great. and that's on sunday? >> sunday at 9:30. >> seth: and can i just recommend to everybody, until sunday i would watch "new in town," john's incredible stand up special which you can watch - - >> my nana.
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♪ ♪ >> carson: hey, guys. you've stumbled upon another episode of "last call." thanks for doing that. i'm carson daly here at "queen of the night" at the lovely paramount hotel in new york city. let's take a look at the rundown for night's show. for our music, the front bottoms are going to make their tv debut with performances from the fonda. i'll tell you about them in a little bit. in the spotlight, we're going to shine a light on the new film "last hijack", and we get things started right now with an actress who's known more for her dramatic roles in "one life to live" and "gossip girl", but is now finding fame in the golden globe award winning comedy series "brooklyn 99." from sadie restaurant and lounge, here is melissa fumero.