tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC December 28, 2016 12:37am-1:38am EST
♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] wonderful. just wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. well, it's official, kanye west doesn't like black people. [ laughter ] that's right. kanye west met with donald trump at trump tower today. no word on what they interrupted
each other about. [ laughter ] jeb bush told reporters today that he does not think russia influenced the election. and if anybody knows about not influencing elections it is jeb bush. [ laughter and applause ] donald trump nominated exxon mobil ceo rex tillerson as his secretary of state, calling him an excellent choice. okay, trump needs to stop complimenting his own decisions. [ laughter ] "i'll have the fillet. medium rare. excellent choice." [ light laughter ] former vice president dick cheney, today, praised donald trump's secretary of state pick rex tillerson, calling him an inspired choice. so, tillerson has the support of dick cheney, vladimir putin, and donald trump. that only leaves on person. >> excellent. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's unanimous. and now it's unanimous. [ applause ] former texas governor rick perry has been named donald trump's
pick for secretary of energy. and i have to say he is the most qualified candidate from that particular season of "dancing with the stars." [ laughter and applause ] he's got a lot of energy. many of the small businesses surrounding trump tower in manhattan have reportedly seen a huge decrease in sales due to the heightened security. and none of hit harder than eric and donald jr.'s lemonade stand. [ laughter ] "there's no traffic anymore. there's no foot traffic." "i know, you need foot traffic to sell lemonade." "you're telling me eric." "you're telling me donald jr." [ light laughter ] rudy guiliani said today that he had too much going on to accept a cabinet appointment from donald trump. added guiliani, "these pigeons aren't going to yell at themselves." [ laughter and applause ] and finally, google is reportedly ending its self-driving car project. and the cars are not taking it well.
[ screeching ] [ crash ] we got a great show for you tonight everybody. [ cheers and applause ] he is one of our favorites here on "late night." he has a new book called "our revolution: a future to believe in." senator bernie sanders -- [ cheers and applause ] back on the show tonight. so excited. such an important time to be talking to him. she's the star of the new film "why him?" zoey deutch is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] a fantastic young actor. and we will also have stand-up from the very funny dan levy, stand-up comedy tonight. [ cheers and applause ] you're here on a good one. but before we get to that, throughout the campaign donald trump claimed that only he can fight special interests on behalf of working people. but as he continues his transition he is filling his cabinet with wealthy elites and hard-liners. for more on this it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ applause ] >> seth: as a candidate, donald trump cast himself as a champion of the working class
who would take on wall street and fix a rigged system. even going so far as to claim that he personally did not get along with rich people. >> my weakest supporters were very rich people. isn't that funny? i don't get along that well with rich. i don't even like the rich people that much. it's like a weird deal. >> seth: "isn't that funny? the people that know me best, hate me?" [ laughter ] what a weird coincidence. trump says he doesn't get along with the rich and won't cozy up to special interests. so who did he pick for secretary of state? >> president-elect donald trump officially announcing that he is naming exxon mobil ceo rex tillerson to be secretary of state. >> he's a very wealthy man. he's got over $115 million worth of exxon shares at this point. >> this is a man that made more than $240 million last year. >> seth: i guess when they drained that swamp, there was oil at the bottom! [ light laughter ] now tillerson has already come under scrutiny from democrats and republicans for his ties to russia, including business deals with russia's state-owned oil company and his personal
friendship with vladimir putin. trump's former campaign manager, kellyanne conway, tried to downplay tillerson's connection with russia on sunday. >> it's not like vladimir putin and rex tillerson are pounding down vodkas at the local bar. they're not intimate friends. >> seth: that's ridiculous. putin doesn't pound vodka. he sips it slowly while james bond dangles from a rope above a shark tank. [ laughter and applause ] so trump nominated a wealthy ceo with ties to russian oligarchs. and tillerson is just the latest edition to a cabinet full of millionaires and billionaires that was already worth a total of $14 billion. now another frequent line you might remember from trump's campaign is that he would not be beholden to wealthy donors because he would be self-funding his campaign. >> i don't want lobbyists. i don't want special interests. i don't want their money. i turned the money down. i turned down so much money i feel like such a stupid person. i turned down money after money. and you know, it's not my life.
it's not my life. my whole life has been money. i want money. i want money. greedy. i was greedy. greedy. i want more money. more money. >> seth: trump's own imitation of himself makes him sound like a hungry grimace, but for money. [ applause ] he's a money grimace. but the connection does make sense because trump and grimace have worked together before. >> a big and tasty for just a dollar? how do you do it? what's your secret? >> seth: hey, grimace did you hear trump is going to be our president. what do you think about that? yeah, me too. [ light laughter ] so, trump claims he wouldn't be indebted to campaign donors. but his cabinet tells a different story. he's already appointed six donors who gave him total of $12 million during the campaign. and yesterday he met with the former hewlett-packard ceo and failed presidential candidate,
carly fiorina. after the meeting, fiorina spoke to the media and immediately focused on what matters most to working people -- all the cool stuff trump has at his office. >> we had a really productive meeting. it was such an honor to meet with the president-elect. first have to say, he has really cool stuff in his office. all of these athletes have given him this incredible memorabilia. i was particularly taken by shock o'neal's shoe, which is huge. >> seth: first of all it's shaq, not shock. [ light laughter ] second of all the shaq is short for both the shaquille and the o'neal. if you say "shaq", no one will follow up with "which shaq?" [ light laughter ] it's like when i heard kanye went to trump tower today, i didn't say "kanye berkowitz?" why was fiorina there anyway? what position is she being considered for? >> a transition official says that fiorina is under consideration to be the director of national intelligence. >> seth: okay, now i know you
might be skeptical of the idea that being ceo of hewlett-packard makes you qualified to be director of national intelligence. but fiorina would actually make a great spy since she is so good at disappearing. as you may remember from her appearance at a ted cruz rally this summer. >> the next president of the united states, ted cruz. ♪ [ laughter ] >> seth: that is some black ops [ bleep ] right there. [ applause ] now, you might also remember from the campaign that donald trump often railed against wall street and sited one especially powerful bank in particular for it's sway over politicians like ted cruz and hillary clinton. >> i know the guys at goldman sachs they have total, total, total control over him. just like they have total control over hillary clinton. do we all like ted cruz? he borrowed money from goldman sachs and now he is going to go after goldman sachs? it doesn't work that way. goldman sachs owns him. >> seth: that's right. goldman sachs owns ted cruz.
and fun fact -- they keep him in a terrarium. [ light laughter ] so, trump slammed his rivals for being controlled by goldman sachs. well, you'll never guess who he chose to fill the two most important economic jobs in his administration. oh, you already guessed. well, watch this anyway. >> president-elect donald trump has chosen former goldman sachs banker steve mnunchin to be the secretary of treasury. >> steve mnunchin spent 17 years at goldman sachs. >> president-elect has named goldman sachs president and chief operating officer gary cohn as the director of national economic council. in that role, cohn will be one of mr. trump's top economic advisors. >> seth: better make room for that terrarium. [ light laughter ] and mnunchin isn't just any banker, he's the elite of the elite. for example he founded dune capital management, a hedge fund named after the dunes near his beach house in the hamptons. drove a porsche in college and a classmate once told mnunchin, quote, "you put the douche in fiduciary." [ laughter ] a pretty sweet burn that was no doubt followed by some very poorly executed high fives. [ light laughter ]
but, it's not just that trump's cabinet picks are rich that it makes them problematic. this is a capitalist nation and there's nothing intrinsically wrong with getting rich. it's that for many of his choices their records don't necessarily suggest that they'll be champions of working people. mnunchin, for example, ran a bank called one west that carried out more than 36,000 foreclosures. and was known for its shoddy foreclosure practices. in one example, the company foreclosed on a 90-year-old woman after a 27 cent payment error. they foreclosed a 90-year-old woman over 27 cents. what's next? is he going to repossess tiny tim's crutches. [ light laughter ] and then there's the nominee for labor secretary. the ceo of carl's jr. and hardees, andy puzder. puzder has opposed minimum wage increases and said he would like to replace his human workers with machines. and his own companies have been accused of violating the very same labor laws he will now be in charge of enforcing. so, why would trump pick him? well, you might recall that carl's jr. is famous for its ads featuring scantily clad women seductively eating cheeseburgers. when those ads came under fire,
puzder and the company defended them this way -- >> last year puzder told these website entrepreneurs this, "i like our ads. i like beautiful women eating burgers in bikinis. i think it's very american." >> five years ago carl's jr. put out a press release. here's what they said in it. "we believe in putting hot models in our commercials because ugly ones do not sell burgers." >> seth: trump heard that and thought, "this is a man i can trust." [ light laughter ] and these are just a few of trump's hard line picks. he also appointed an epa chief who doesn't accept the scientific consensuses on climate change. and has reportedly chosen texas governor rick perry for energy secretary. now, the energy secretary is, among other things, responsible for safe guarding the nation's nuclear weapons. so you need to know what your doing. our current energy secretary, ernest moniz, is a world-renowned nuclear physicist. but in rick perry's defense, he wears glasses. and that means he's smart. right donald trump? >> i see rick perry the other day.
he put glasses on so people will think he's smart. and it just wasn't work. you know, people can see through the glasses. [ laughter ] >> seth: how are you feeling about all of this grimace? yeah, me too. this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with our friend, senator bernie sanders, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this one is from channel islands national park. coronado. saguaro. you'll see there's one that's an eagle. my number one goal is getting more funds out to parks because some animals and plants are only found in one place in the world, and that's in some national parks. i find that's a great cause, and i want to support it. (avo) the subaru share the love event has donated over four million dollars to help the national parks.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us tonight, we have the two-time grammy award-winning drumming legend sitting in with our band. he's a co-founder of metal icon slayer, as well as dead cross, featuring the vocal talents of mike patton. dave lombardo is here everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: thank you so much for being here, dave. our first guest tonight is a u.s. senator from vermont who won 22 states in the democratic primary. his new book, "our revolution: a future to believe in", is in stores now. please welcome back to the show, our friend, senator bernie sanders, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
>> seth: how are you? >> i am great. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it's always -- always so nice to have you here. i feel like we've had you about four times in a little under two years and every time you come, the world is completely different than the last time you were here. and now we're in the situation where a lot of people within the democratic party are looking for leadership, they're looking for new ideas, after this election. and a lot of people are turning to you. which must be strange, because you were not even in the democratic party for a very long time. so you -- it must be strange for you to all of a sudden be the head of something that you were an outsider for a very long time. >> to say the least. >> seth: yeah. >> yes, it is. but i think the reason for that has a lot to do with the fact that we generated a whole lot of excitement in our campaign from working people, from young people who really want to bring about profound change in this country.
and they are prepared to work for that. and i think the democratic leadership understands that we need to bring those people into the party. we need to transform the party. we need to make the democratic party a democratic party with a small d. so all of you, come on in. we need your help. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: there you go. everybody in. you -- the last time you were here, we were talking about the democratic party sort of building this progressive message and this progressive message moving forward. and in the book now, you talk about another difficult thing, it's not just the progressive message, but just dealing with reality. all of a sudden now reality, which has been a thing that was assumed that we all agreed on, has shifted. how hard is it right now to just get people to accept the truth. or not the truth, but things
that are real and things that are facts. >> well, you know, we have a president-elect who is not well-known for being scrupulously honest. let's say that. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's a very nice way of saying it. >> that's a nice way to say that. and i'll give you some examples. and we're going to hold him accountable on these issues. he campaigned among working people and he said, "i'm the only republican out there. i'm not going to cut social security. i'm not going to cut medicare. and i'm not going to cut medicaid." well, you know, mr. trump, we're going to hold you accountable for those statements. [ applause ] and this at a time when prescription drug costs are soaring, people can't afford the medicine they need. some people are dying, because medicine is so expensive. he said, "i'm going to take on the drug companies." well, mr. trump, we're going to work with you, if you keep your word. but the point is you can't make statements in a campaign and then the day after the election, forget about them completely. as you mentioned earlier in the show, you said, "we are going to
be standing up for working people. we are anti-establishment." well if the cabinet that he appointed of billionaires and millionaires is anti-establishment, boy i would hate to see what the establishment looks like. >> seth: yeah, exactly. [ applause ] you know, we were -- there were so many trump voters and we were talking about this backstage. trump voters who voted for obama twice. >> yes. >> seth: and then voted for donald trump. so these people are not racists. >> no. >> seth: they don't have a racist bone in their body. how did the democratic party lose those people. and what can they do to get them back? >> seth, this is maybe the most important point that i want to make. and we don't see it much on tv or in the media. there are a lot of people in this country who are hurting, who are in a lot of pain tonight. there are people who are 55 years of age who have zero amount of dollars in the bank as they await retirement. half of the elderly workers in this country have nothing in the bank. there are young people who
graduate college $50,000 in debt and are making $14,000 a year. there are 28 million people who have no health insurance. there are others who are seeing their healthcare cost soar, their prescription drugs soar. there are people who are working at decent jobs in the factory and you know what happened? that factory moved to china and now they're working at a walmart for 10 bucks an hour and they can't make it. and not only that, these are the people who are worried to death about their kids. are their kids going to be able to have a home of their own? can they get married and have the money to have kids? and trump tapped that. he trapped that. he said, "i hear you and i'm going to do something about it." well, between you and me, i don't think he was honest. maybe i'm wrong. i don't think he was sincere. but he tapped that pain that people were feeling. and what we have got to do is to stand up for those people. and what we have to do, is get to the causes of those economic problems, which in my view, has a lot to do with the greed of wall street and corporate america, whose greed is destroying the middle class of this country.
[ applause ] >> seth: i agree with you there. the -- president obama has made it very clear that he's hoping for a successful presidency for president-elect trump. i am certainly hoping he is a successful president as well. what is -- how do you envision a successful donald trump presidency in a way that makes someone like you happy? >> well, if he can create in this country, or help create, decent paying jobs. the truth is, in rural america, in inner cities in this country, unemployment is very, very high and wages are much too low. all right, trump said that he wants to get rid of the affordable care act and by the way, throw 20 or 30 million people off of health insurance, because we don't have to worry about that. he has a great plan to provide health care for all people. well, mr. trump, if you are prepared to support something like a medicare-for-all single payer program, provide health
care to every man, woman and child. yeah, we will work with you. that's a sign of success. mr. trump has talked about the high cost of college. well, mr. trump, if you want to make public colleges and universities tuition-free, that would mean the world to million of families in this country whose kids desperately need a good higher education, but can't afford to get it. so there are areas -- infrastructure, trade. there are areas that if he is successful will improve this country. but, let me tell you where we're not going to work with him. we will not give one inch on bigotry. this country has travelled too far to try to overcome racism and sexism and xenophobia and homophobia and we can't compromise one inch on bigotry.
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so, i wanna -- we're going to go to commercial, we're going to come back and talk more. but is it safe to say that if donald trump backslides on all of promises to the working people, you're going to be the biggest headache in washington d.c.? >> yes. >> seth: okay, good. all right, we'll be right back with more from senator bernie sanders. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ totaled your brand new car. nobody's hurt, but there will still be pain. it comes when your insurance company says they'll only pay three-quarters of what it takes to replace it. what are you supposed to do? drive three-quarters of a car? now if you had liberty mutual new car replacement™, you'd get your whole car back. i guess they don't want you driving around on three wheels. smart. with liberty mutual new car replacement™, we'll replace the full value of your car. liberty stands with you™. liberty mutual insurance.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. we're here with senator bernie sanders. now you have been, in the last two years, a bit of a media sensation. you've made the talk show rounds. you've been on "saturday night live." one of the great things about this book is you talk about the first time you did a radio interview, and you were not the cool customer that we see here before us today. >> yes. i was on a radio show in -- outside of burlington, vermont. and my knees were shaking so badly, it kept bumping into the table. and the guy that was producing was "stop, stop, stop." [ light laughter ]
so my first appearance on vermont radio was people -- i don't know if they heard what i said. they heard this -- [ knocking ] [ light laughter ] so that was my introduction to vermont politics. >> seth: they kept calling in and saying, "let that senator out of whatever box you have him in." [ light laughter ] >> wasn't a senator then. >> seth: oh, that's right. yeah, right. once they heard you banging the desk, they said, "we gotta give this guy a job. he's a mess." [ light laughter ] you do have a lot of photos in here of your time on talk shows. and, you know, you've been on this show four times. colbert. there's a photo of colbert, there's a photo of fallon. got a little jimmy kimmel in here. i did not make the book. [ audience aws ] senator sanders -- i did not make the book. an oversight. >> an oversight. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] you probably -- >> and i apologize. >> seth: it's probably not your last book, right? >> that's right. you'll be on the -- prominently displayed. [ light laughter ] as a matter of fact we'll put your picture. >> seth: okay, great. [ light laughter ] thank you, i'll be in the background. so, i think one of the things that any party is facing after a loss in an election like this, is how do you keep the young
people? and you mentioned your campaign drew so attention and so much passion from young people. how do you keep young people inspired for the next four years. >> well, look, it is young people, but it's not just young people. what i think we have to appreciate is trump transformed politics in america. that's what he did. our job is to retransform politics, is to respond accordingly. which means we have got to be active in the political process in a way that we have never been before in our lives. we have got to rethink what democracy means. and if we remember that the fight for civil rights was a huge fight which involved millions and millions of people, we get hope. when we talk about women's rights -- you know, a hundred years ago, seth, you well know. women weren't running for president. they didn't have the right to vote. but women organized with their male allies, stood up. gay rights, people organized and stood up. here is the truth. trump can propose anything he wants, but he will not succeed
in ugly decisions. if millions of people stand up and fight back, and tell him that is not what america is. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: when you were last here, you said that if the democratic party lost this election -- which they did -- they would have to go back to the drawing board. do you find that that is happening right now? >> that's exactly what we're doing. >> seth: okay, good. >> all right, tomorrow night -- tomorrow night we're gonna be doing a live stream. i hope people follow it. i am strongly supporting a congressman from minnesota, keith ellison to become the new chair of the democratic party. [ applause ] and what keith wants to do is to transform the party to make it a grass roots party and not a party just dependent on wealthy people. which is too much the case right now.
so the goal is to open the doors of the democratic party to young people who are concerned about the environment, and climate change. people who are concerned about women's rights. people who are concerned about economic and social justice. the truth of the matter is, and i want everybody to appreciate this, on every major issue facing the country&-- whether it is raising the minimum wage, whether it is pay equity, whether it is health care for all, whether it is taking on a broken criminal justice system, the majority of the american people support a progressive agenda. our job is to get those people involved, and to fight to transform this country. >> seth: now, i want to ask, because this always happens as soon as these things are over. people start talking about 2020. they start talking about the next election. that is not for you; is that correct? you're not happy about people focusing that far into the future. >> because, what we're talking -- that's what the media loves. because we can focus on, are you going to run for president in 2086? let's talk about that. we'll do a poll. rather than say what are the real problems? why is the middle class disappearing?
why do we have so much income and wealth inequality? what are we gonna do about it? why are we the only major country on earth not to guarantee health care to all people? or paid family and medical leave? let's talk about those issues. let's involve people in the process and leadership will naturally come from that type of discussion. >> seth: now, i just want to finish with this. are you -- do you still generate, from within yourself, hope and optimism? is that still alive in senator bernie sanders right now? >> it really is. if there's anything, maybe the most moving part of my campaign for president, was just meeting literally, well over a million people face-to-face in large rallies, small town meetings, and seeing the beauty of this country. and that's just not rhetoric, seth. there're incredible, beautiful people out there. young people, old people, working people, who love this country. and more than a few put their lives on the line to defend this country. and they want to make this country the country that we all know it can become. so, i saw an enormous amount of beauty and hope in this country, which makes me very optimistic.
>> seth: well, it's always such a pleasure to have you here. it's an open invitation. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. senator bernie sanders, everybody. "our revolution" is in stores now. we'll be right back with zoey deutch. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i just see a black screen. what are you looking at? crazy stuff, man. you've gotta see this. what--what is this? it's like some 3d virtual world. can i see? oh yai yai yai yai yai yai. look at the moon. whoot.
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we catch flo, the progressive girl, at the supermarket buying cheese. scandal alert! flo likes dairy?! woman: busted! [ laughter ] right afterwards we caught her riding shotgun with a mystery man. oh, yeah! [ indistinct shouting ] is this your chauffeur? what?! no, i was just showing him how easy it is to save with snapshot from progressive. you just plug it in and it gives you a rate based on your driving. does she have insurance for being boring? [ light laughter ] laugh bigger. [ laughter ]
everybody. our next guest is the talented actress that stars in the new film, "why him?", which hits theaters december 23rd. let's take a look. >> why laird? >> oh my god. >> i mean, come on. >> dad. >> you are so smart and you're beautiful. and you could be dating anyone. why? i don't get it. >> do you want the truth? >> yes. >> he kind of reminds me of you. >> what? >> he's a very good guy. and i love him. >> you love him? >> seth: please welcome to the show zoey deutch, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? >> i'm good. i can't believe i'm here. i'm a really big fan of yours.
>> seth: oh, thank you. i'm a big fan of yours, as well. >> i just wanted to get that out of the way so i don't have to pretend like i'm not about to pee my pants. >> seth: okay, good. >> it's a pant suit. >> seth: and i was eventually going to check in at some point during the interview -- >> someone told you about that problem? >> seth: and say, "are you a big fan? are you a big fan of mine?" this is very exciting, because you're in this film with a couple of other people that i'm huge fans of -- three actually. because james franco, bryan cranston, megan mullaly, a fantastic cast. >> yeah, they're amazing. >> seth: and bryan cranston and megan mullaly play your parents. franco plays your boyfriend. and as we can suss out from that clip, cranston not a fan. >> not the ideal situation, no. >> seth: gotcha. and general, james franco, did you know him before you worked on this? >> no, i didn't. you know, i wanted to try to get some time to spend with him before we started shooting but his schedule is like, so insane. >> seth: he does everything. >> he does everything. >> seth: he's like, an actor, a director, a poet. >> he's everywhere. >> seth: he does my plumbing. >> really? [ laughter ] >> seth: at my apartment when anything goes wrong, i'm like, "it's the sink again, james." and he's like, "i'll leave set." >> yeah, the only time we could find to spend together was on
his set of -- he's directing a movie called "the masterpiece." >> seth: yep. >> and i was an extra in that film. [ scattered cheers ] yeah. >> seth: nice. see, there's a lot of -- >> pretty exciting. >> seth: people think extras don't get enough woos. but they do. >> no, they do. that was encouraging. when i went to the venice film festival recently, they introduced me to a panel of people as "zoey deutch, the star of 'the masterpiece' directed by james franco." i was like, i'm actually -- i don't have a line in that. don't even -- i don't know anything about the movie. we could talk about "why him?" we could talk about "everybody wants some." before i -- no? you want to talk about "the masterpiece." >> seth: they want to talk about your extra work. well, you were wonderful. >> i even read the script -- >> seth: we saw you in the back with no lines and we said "what is she thinking?" [ light laughter ] we want to know so much more about her. we've talked about james's many skills. he also, i did not know that he is an accomplished painter. >> you didn't? >> seth: and he made -- these are sort of cast gifts at the end of the film. >> wrap gifts, yeah. >> seth: wrap gifts. >> the only thing he asked us was "what's your favorite color?" and we didn't think much of it. but now you can see right here.
>> seth: this is -- so, what color did you give him? >> blue. >> seth: okay, you gave him blue. >> yeah. >> seth: and so, they you got -- you got this. you a giant weed leave -- [ laughter ] on blue. >> yeah. >> seth: i feel that doesn't do scale justice. this is a giant painting. [ laughter ] >> yeah. i wanted to keep that one by my bed for a few months just to see how it worked in the space. >> seth: yeah, it is -- the weird thing is i feel like it's something you have to tell people is a gift. because as an art collector, it's a very strange choice. >> it's a very strange choice. it was a -- i called my dad, i was like, "dad, can you help me hang a painting?" he walks in and he's like, "oh! okay. we're gonna put this one in your apartment." >> seth: that's a good way to tell your dad, i smoke weed a lot. [ light laughter ] not just an eight by ten amount of weed. i smoke a giant wall amount of weed. so obviously, bryan cranston plays your dad in the film. >> he's the greatest guy in the world.
>> seth: i speak to what a great guy he is, because this shows a level of comfort you reached as his movie daughter. zoey, is that you shaving your armpits in front of bryan cranston? [ light laughter ] >> seth, that is -- >> seth: is that what that is? >> seth, that is exactly what's happening. i am shaving my armpits in front of bryan cranston -- academy award-nominated actor, bryan cranston. i wear large, very cute, wool sweaters throughout the entire movie. and no one warned me the day that i was put in a tank top. so this deathly switcharoo happened. and i hadn't shaved my armpits since, like, 1977. >> seth: oh no, that's not good. [ light laughter ] >> not a great situation. so, you know. and what you can't see is he is sitting -- only chair he could find was a prop toilet. >> seth: oh, wow. >> yeah, i was like get walter white a god damned chair. [ light laughter ] also, i like that he is just casually reading his script. this is not even -- i don't even know if he knows that this happened. >> seth: this is the absence of movie magic. >> yes. >> seth: this is like you go, "what's a movie set like?" you're like, "you shave in front of a man on a fake toilet." [ light laughter ] >> so glamorous!
i can't even tell you. >> seth: i'm glad you brought up glamorous, because before you were an actress, you had a passion. is it safe to say this is a passion, zoey? >> acting was a fall back. >> seth: a fall back. and your original career, i'm guessing, is this jazz dance? is this -- >> it's close, it's competitive jazz dancing. >> seth: how -- close? i just -- [ light laughter ] that's exactly what i said. [ laughter ] >> it's a lot more serious. i don't want to belittle the experience. >> seth: because i kind of tossed it off. >> yeah, you were like jazz dance. >> seth: competitive. and how -- so when you do competitive jazz dance, what are the scores you get. >> ask me anything. feel free to ask me anything. >> seth: no, that's how the show works. [ laughter ] how do they score you? when you finish your jazz dance, your competitive jazz dance, what do they -- do they grade you on a one to ten? how does it work? >> not sure. it was different depending on the venue. six flags was always my favorite place. >> seth: okay, by the way, stop being so serious about it. [ light laughter ] if it was at six flags. >> i mean, my claim to fame was
a four-second solo to turn "the beat around," the gloria estefan version, of course. >> seth: here are you -- by the way, here's what we're talking about, right there. [ light laughter ] by the way, if people can't tell -- [ applause ] when i first saw this, i thought you were leaping through the air. but then i saw that shadow and i'm like, "oh, no, you're just on a mat." >> my mom recently reminded me -- because i have, like, delusions of grandeur. i think i was like this great dancer. and i was a terrible dancer. >> seth: you had a four second solo to "turn the beat around"! >> i never learned a single move! i never learned a single move. and i was like, "but i can to the splits." and mom is like, "but you don't move in the splits. you're just, they're completely still." like, i never learned -- but i gave it my all. >> seth: you were doing mannequin challenge years before everybody else. >> and, like, planking as well. >> seth: so is that -- when you have a four-second solo, does that mean, are there other people on your competitive jazz dance team? and then, your moment comes? >> yes, there was one other girl, who i thought i was equal to. matilda. now, again, let me reiterate, i
never learned a single move. matilda went to juilliard for dance. >> seth: really? >> yeah. >> seth: so, history may show she was the stronger dancer. >> yes. i still have performance anxiety dreams about how genuinely bad -- >> seth: i think your coach is probably looking back, saying i gave the "turn the beat around" solo to the wrong dancer. [ light laughter ] thank you so much for being here. congratulations on finding acting. [ cheers and applause ] not that, you didn't have a future here. zoey deutch, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "why him?" opens december 23rd. we'll be right back with stand-up from dan levy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> all right. so, i'm a parent. so, every morning at 6:00 a.m., i wake up and watch the movie "frozen." [ light laughter ] look at my face. every morning at 6:00 a.m, i wake up and watch the movie "frozen." then i wake up my kids and we watch it again. [ laughter ] i have a 3-year-old son who is awesome and a 1-year-old daughter, who i've heard good things about, which is cool. [ light laughter ] and they have destroyed my house. my living room looks like someone burglarized the "double dare" set. [ light laughter ] but like super short burglars, because everything on the shelves is fine. everything below, katrina-level nightmare. [ light laughter ] just disaster. and i'm so tired -- i mean, i'm happy to be here, but i'm so tired. i drink coffee like a homicide detective. [ light laughter ] and i live my life like a homicide detective. i pass out in clothes i wore all day. bodily fluids don't phase me at
all. [ laughter ] and i take showers like i need forgiveness. every night i'm like, "please, god, help me through another day." [ light laughter ] i have a wife. she is a lady. i say that because i know i have the vibe of a lesbian, in rabbinical school. but i'm not. i'm not rachel maddow, it's been a very confusing day. [ laughter ] my wife's awesome. we compliment each other perfectly, you know. she loves fixing things and owns a hammer. and i love gossiping and own 100 pairs of sneakers. [ light laughter ] because at her core, she is a husband from the' 50s. and at my core, i'm a 15-year-old korean girl. [ laughter ] and that might not be sexy to you, but she won't leave me because she was adopted, you know? [ audience ohs ] she appreciates love. she does. [ light laughter ]
and when she first told me she was adopted, i was like, "oh my god, who would just give away this beautiful little girl?" you know? but now that we've been married for six years, i'm like, "i kind of see what they were talking about," you know? [ laughter and applause ] but we have to work together, because kids are insane. honestly, they have tantrums, they freak out. kids are so difficult, i have a new respect for kidnappers. honestly, i do. i really do. [ laughter ] now every time i get an amber alert i'm like, "impressive." [ laughter ] how did they get them in the car seat so fast? [ light laughter ] i can't get my kids from the playground to the parking lot without ten people being like, "everything cool here? everything cool here? this is your kid, right? this is your kid?" and i'm like, "tell them you know me. i'll buy you a ring pop." [ light laughter ] i was nervous having kids.
oh, my god. i remember i asked my son's pediatrician before he was born, i was like, "hey, when will i know if my kid is going to be weird? when will i know?" and they looked me up and down and said, "oh, he's definitely going to be weird." [ laughter ] and he's right, my son is so weird. he's so weird. when he first started talking, he had a southern accent. [ light laughter ] and i live in california. and one day i was leaving the house and he goes, "bye, daddy." [ laughter ] who is this deputy? he's never wearing a shirt, you know, he's got this twang. so it's like i have a toddler matthew mcconaughey just waddling around my house destroying everything. "all right, all right, all right. all right, all right, all right, daddy." "oh my," that's what he says. "oh my." he says that constantly. he says "oh my" like he's a southern elderly lady whose daughter brought home a black man for the first time. [ laughter ] "oh, my."
and he discovered his penis, which is normal. you gotta do that, you know. but then i got out of the shower and he discovered mine and tried to grab it. and i was like, "nope." [ light laughter ] and my wife got super emotional and started crying, 'cause she's always crying. because, in my opinion, her birth parents were onions. so she's, like, really started freaking out. and she was like, "you have to let him grab your penis, we can't let him have a complex." i'm like, "what?" [ laughter ] isn't a much worse complex teaching him it's okay to just grab a penis any time he sees one. [ laughter ] just walking down the street, "my penis, my penis, my penis, oh my." [ laughter and applause ] we cannot teach our son it's okay just to grab someone's genitals whenever you want. unless we're trying to raise the president of the united states of america. [ laughter and applause ] thank you so much. i'm dan levy. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: dan levy, everybody. that was fantastic.
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