tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 13, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
>> stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey there, how are you? hey! hey! look at that! whoo! welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) that's nice. i can use that. thanks so much, everybody. thanks so much for being here. lovely. this is lovely to have an audience with that kind of energy on hump day. i really appreciate it. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and i am so glad you're here, i am so glad you're excited. i do need your energy because i don't want to be alone right now. i just heard something-- i want to prep you here. i just heard something shocking. you guys like kraft macaroni and cheese? ( cheers and applause ) of course, you do. you're human beings. of course, you love it. well, brace yourself, because
they've gone natural. yeah, yeah, yeah. that was my reaction because i first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff. but, it's even more upsetting than that. when they say "natural," they mean they have now removed all artificial preservatives, flavors and dyes from their classic mac and cheese recipe. ( audience boos ) i don't get it. i don't get it. i was not aware, first of all, that a packet of dust was -- ( laughter ) technically a recipe. ( laughter ) here's the deal. kraft claims you can't taste the difference, and they can prove you can't taste the difference because they changed the recipe three months ago and they've now sold 50 million boxes of the new recipe without people noticing. all right. but we're americans. you throw enough salt and butter in there, we'll eat the box
i'm sorry, no. this is wrong, wrong! this is a serious breach of trust. when i pick up a package of enriched macaroni product and dried milkfat powder, i expect a certain amount of fake ingredients. ( laughter ) but now, instead of artificial coloring, they're using spices like paprika and something called annatto. what the hell is annatto? >> jon: i don't even know. >> stephen: i don't know. i want good old-fashioned coloring like yellow number six. i know where yellow number six comes from: right between yellow five and yellow seven, right where it belongs. and here's a tip: if you missed the original recipe, it's simple, just go ahead and make the natural stuff and melt an orange crayon in there. you get the same basic effect. it doesn't congeal as fast.
you tonight, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) a very tasty show tonight, very tasty. my first guest is hollywood legend sally field. ( cheers and applause ) everybody loves, everybody loves sally field! she's so lovely. then i'll be talking to the star of "the carmichael show," jerrod carmichael, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) really funny guy. such a nice funny fella. and we'll have a performance by the lovely esperanza spalding. we all know that's jon batiste and stay human. say hi to the band, everybody. they're about to play music, but before they do, one more thing: a canadian thief has turned
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon, thank you, joe. are you all right? are you all right? what's going on over there? that looks like-- that looks like you're doing a one-man limbo over there. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: we've got another week and a half before we go on vacation. >> jon: 10 weeks, man. >> stephen: we're 10 weeks into the show. i'm feeling good. where are you going on vacation, by the way? >> jon: i go to my house. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you just go to your house and sort of-- what do you do there, just eat macaroni and cheese? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: do you eat the macaroni-- does this news upset you the way it upsets me about the macaroni and cheese? >> jon: big time. when i was a kid, i used to eat the mac and cheese. >> stephen: meredith, do you eat the macaroni and cheese? this is meredith, one of my producers, everybody.
and then in college. but i never had milk. >> stephen: it's the ultimate midnight food, right? >> i never had milk, so i just put the powder right on the -- >> you just put the powder on the noodle with no milk? did you put butter in or anything? >> no, i never had butter, either. >> stephen: why don't you just chop out a few lines of the orange powder and snort it? >> that would be a good idea. >> stephen: the whole macaroni and cheese thing clearly has upset a lot of people, not just me. it's not the only thing that is upsetting me right now. every two years, the president gets a physical. i guess the vice president asks for it to make sure the president is still alive. and president obama just had a physical, and we found out this morning from white house doctors-- this is absolutely true-- in the past two years, president obama has grown half an inch. he's 54 years old. that is very late for puberty to kick in.
i can actually believe in. i'm 51, and my doctor just told me, and this is also true-- i'm 5'11", i've been 5'11" my entire life, and my doctor told me i'm 5'10.5," all right? there goes my modeling career. it's over. i don't understand what's happening here. is obama trying to make himself look bigger to intimidate congress, like how a lizard puffs out its neck frill? "confirm my supreme court nominee!" ( cheers and applause ) or maybe he's just fudging his height so he can ride the white house rollercoaster. and it doesn't end there. have you heard about hank the ballpark pup, the unofficial mascot of the milwaukee brewers? of course you have. here's what happened.
in 2014, this little dog here wandered into spring training and was adopted by the brewers. it's natural. isn't that nice? that's lovely. and it's great for the dog because, living with ballplayers is every dog's dream. those guys play catch all the time. and the fans, of course, loved hank. but the next season, 2015, a few of them noticed suspicious changes in hank's appearance. his coat was lighter, his ears had changed, and his face had a different shape. it's this kind of careful, meticulous research by brewers fans that once again proves that anything is more interesting than actually watching the game. and one fan was so upset he took to the internet to expose the lies. >> there's a baseball blogger that said hank was replaced with a lookalike. now, his theory is that hank one
breaking hearts, fans were kept in the dark. >> stephen: that's right. he claims it's a puppy cover-up. the real hank passed away and was secretly replaced with a lookalike. it would explain why most baseball teams use costumed when the guy inside dies, nobody knows. ( cheers and applause ) those guys are already dead inside. ( cheers and applause ) now, questions about hank were mounting. so on friday, the chief operating officer of the brewers was actually forced to come forward with an official response. >> this is definitely the original hank, and this is a notarized document from hank's veterinarian. hank's microchip was scanned and found to be the one inserted in april 1, 2014 at lakeside animal hospital.
the best way to calm down conspiracy theorists is to tell them you're implanting microchips. ( cheers and applause ) look, i want to reassure nervous brewer fans and anybody out there who is afraid obama was replaced because he's half an inch taller. nobody is secretly replacing anybody, isn't that right, jon? >> yes indeed! >> stephen: play us out to commercial, jon! >> whoo, yeah!
with the bring your own phone activation kit... you keep your same phone... same 4g lte network... and same number. so what's better? how about paying half as much... with no contract or mystery fees. because straight talk's unlimited plan... is just $45 bucks a month. it's not just better... it's...amazing! stupendous! it's... well, you get the idea. find out more at straighttalkbyop.com if you had a dollar for every dollar car insurance companies say they'll save you by switching, you'd have like a ton of dollars. but how are they saving you those dollars? a lot of companies might answer "um..." or "no comment". then there's esurance - born online, raised by technology and so whatever they save, you save: hassle, time, paper work, hair tearing out and, yes, especially dollars. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world.
just settled with authorities r their part in the crisis that put seven million out
of work and millions out of their homes. how does wall street get away with it? millions in campaign contributions and speaking fees. our economy works for wall street because it's rigged by wall street. and that's the problem. as long as washington is bought and paid for, we can't build an economy that works for people. sanders: i'm bernie sanders, and i approve this message. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an emmy- and oscar-winning actress and one of the most beloved performers in america. please welcome sally field.
( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> i figured helen did it, why can't i? >> stephen: you won't get an argument from me. ( laughter ) this job is getting better and better every day. sally field. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: i think it goes without saying i had a crush on you when i was a child. ( laughter ) and that hasn't gone away.
large way. ( cheers and applause ) >> you're fine. you're just fine. >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for. thank you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. you are a two-time oscar winner. you are a three-time emmy winner. ( cheers and applause ) you are one of the most respected and beloved actresses of any screen you want to look at. and your new film is called "hello, my name is doris." >> yes. >> stephen: and i love this film and i love your performance. >> thank you. >> stephen: you-- you want to tell the people who doris is, and who she's saying hello to? ( laughter ) >> you, right now. >> stephen: all right. >> she's saying hello to the world. it's a coming of age story of a woman of age. >> stephen: right. >> and she-- the way she comes
years-- never mind how old you are. it doesn't matter. she has a tremendous crush on a very much younger man. >> stephen: max greenfield, who were on here just the other night. >> yes. >> stephen: charming. >> yes. the movie's not about that. it's just about what gets her out of her shell. >> stephen: well, to me the movie is like you're never too old to be young. and she is someone who has been a bit of a shut-in. >> yes. >> stephen: and then she goes out and gets a new job in this office, and her life opens up, based upon the people she meets. >> stephen: yes. >> stephen: and this immediate crush she gets on max. >> yes. >> stephen: and we have a clip right here of one of your conversations. >> very good. >> is that a baby boy on the nuclear winter cd? >> yes. >> that's my favorite band. >> you're kidding. >> i wouldn't have thought you'd be into electronic music. >> oh, i am. i'm a real music person.
show tunes. >> you're a baller, doris. straight up. >> thank you. >> pound it. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: she falls for him hard. >> she does, hard. >> stephen: what do you think she wants out of this relationship? ( laughter ) what do you think she sees in him? because she's needs-- she wants him so badly. >> she wants to have a really good friend. ( laughter ). >> stephen: but she-- she fantasizes about more than just friendship. >> well, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: much has been made-- >> i know. >> stephen: of a couple of kisses in this movie. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: what do you make of the fact that much has been made of you making out with max greenfield?
pair of lips, huh? >> stephen: yeah. and mine's just another pair that you pass by in the night. that's just it, "love 'em and leave 'em" field, they called you. next! next! >> i've been kissing guys on the screen for the last 53 years of my life. what's the big deal? >> stephen: well, is there a particular kiss? give me some of the best kisses. >> i'm still trying to get over paul newman. tonight could have been it, though. i might have actually gotten over it. ( applause ) >> stephen: could have. could have? >> could have. i don't know. i don't know. there was some good ones in there. >> stephen: yeah. >> there were some rotten ones, too, but you sort of forget about those. you try to forget about them. >> stephen: is there any overlap between, like, sally field and doirs at all? >> oh, yes. >> stephen: she's a shut-in and you seem so effervescent and outgoing. >> no, no, no totally. i'm a complete, utter hermit. everybody knows that who knows
you, i don't know that. you're a complete and utter hermit? >> yeah, it's really kind of odd. i'm sort of never seen. i'm-- i was never socialized as a child, obviously. i needed some play dates, and they never happened. >> stephen: you were never socialized? like you didn't have friends? >> i don't want it to sound quite like that. that sounds really sad. but -- >> sad is good. sad can be good. >> no, i didn't have a lot. i started in the business when i was 17. and at that time, they were so >> stephen: this is you. this is you. >> that was right before i started in the business. i was a senior in high school. there's my megaphone. yeah. and literally, six months later, i had a television series. i was on the air. so -- was that "gidget?" >> yeah, that was "gidget." >> stephen: i want to hear a child with no friends, but we have to take a commercial break. will you stick around for? >> yes, i'll stick around.
you know we said we'd take a look at our retirement plan today. not now! i'm cleaning the oven! yeah, i'm cleaning the gutters! well i'm learning snapchamp! chat. chat! changing the oil... (vo) it's surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. pressure-washing the... roses. aerating the lawn! (vo) but with nationwide it's no big deal. okay, your retirement plan is all set. nationwide? awesome. nice neighborhood. nationwide is on your side nationwide is the exclusive insurance partner of plenti. maria really loves the newest scent from gain. upbeat music plays everytime she sniffs... this happens. still there... still still there... well that's how you rock a long travel day. new scent duets from gain it's the gain the keeps on keeping on.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back with sally field. now sally, before-- before we took the commercial break. >> yes. >> stephen: we were talking about how you were, you know, not that outgoing. >> no, nope. >> stephen: as a child. can i ask you something-- >> oh, dear. where are we going? >> stephen: here's another photo of you when you were younger. this is you as homecoming queen. >> no, i didn't make homecoming queen. i was first runner up. there was somebody else standing here with the crown on her head. i'm the first runner up. >> stephen: you're in the court. >> yeah. >> stephen: but you tried? >> you don't run for those things. i was in the drama department all the time, and i think they liked my last performance, and that's why i was there. >> stephen: but you're in the drama department. i understand you were voted class clown? >> i was class clown, but only because i was funny on stage.
- ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you remember-- is that why you were on stage? >> yes! >> stephen: because you could be outgoing there and not someplace else? >> yes! yes! yes! >> stephen: so did you shock people like when you got off stage, "you're usually so funny. why are you so bored and scared now?" >> absolutely. absolutely. and not only that, but the thing was that when i was on stage, because i was raised in 50s. when i was on stage i could be mean. i would do terrible, mean things to people. one time, i crawled across the stage and hit my shoe on this guy's bare foot as hard as i could. and then i went "i don't know what came over." i was in an improv moment and it just happened. needless to say, i hated this guy. and i could never tell him or be mean. i was always, "hi, roger. how are you today?" and the minute i could, i got him. oh, whoops. whoopee! these things happen on stage.
>> stephen: now what about this? so if you were shy and retiring, were you-- how did you feel about your own sexiness? because you became a sex symbol. >> i did? >> stephen: you totally became a sex symbol! >> when was that? >> stephen: i've seen some photos of you with tight jeans and tight t-shirts, and your thumbs in your-- i wish i had them here. i don't have them here. i'll have to go to my computer and look them up. ( laughter ) no, you were sexy, come on! "the flying nun" was not sexy, but "gidget" was sexy in an innocent way. but then you were sexy in the 70s. you're sexy now, you're sexy now. >> okay, i accept it. thank you so much. >> stephen: you were totally a sex symbol. >> absolutely, i was! absolutely. i was the quintessential version of sex symbol. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there are different- - you were-- you were-- >> i was a whole lot of things, and i still am. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: what i'm trying to say is you have enormous range on stage. >> thank you. >> thank you. >> stephen: in fact, in this high comedy, but you also play tragedy. >> yes. >> stephen: like she's a >> she's a troubled soul. she's very borderline personalities. she has some situations going on. situations going on. but you're laugh-out-loud funny- - >> thank you. >> stephen: --for so much of the movie at the same time. play. >> it's a very rare role. it's a very unusual character with a very unusual story connected to it. and to blend those tones together of high-romp physical, clown comedy with real deep >> stephen: that's a hard turn to take. >> it's very hard to do. but as an actor, it was like "boy, oh, boy, let me at it!" >> stephen: a lot of actresses your age say that there just >> there aren't roles for women at any age. even if you're younger.
opportunities to say no to things or do things that you go, "why can't i, like, be, you know, important in this role? why can't i have a three- dimensional character?" it's very hard. >> stephen: why can't i stab somebody in the foot with the heel of my shoe? >> yes! >> stephen: something like that. >> yes! >> stephen: why can't i do that? >> i didn't stab him. i hit him with my shoe. it just hurt for a while. >> stephen: how about politics? are you supporting hillary clinton? >> you betcha, i am. i have been. ( cheers and applause ) i have been for a very, very long time now. i mean, i don't-- i mean, i'll go door to door. i'll wash everybody's car who isn't voting for her. i don't care what it takes. ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you-- >> yes? >> stephen: thank you so much >> well, thank you for asking me. >> stephen: i feel like this is the end of a-- of a-- ( laughter ) of a good date. of a first date. >> yes, and we're going to kiss at the door? no, my parents are waiting up. >> stephen: that's true.
tonight. bye, honey. thank you so much for being here. "hello, my name is doris" is in theaters on friday. the great sally field, everybody. we'll be right back. just the two of us building castles in the sky just the two of us late friday and early saturday... and get tek-gear for the whole family under $10... tees under $10... and shorts and capris for the whole family under $20! plus, take an extra 15 percent or 20 percent off! you'll get kohl's cash too! kohl's. hello! nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis. what emoji would you use to describe the design? (message sent sfx.) i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! ...it has available built-in 4g lte wifi (message sent sfx.) rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. this car gets an epa estimated 40 mpg highway. (message sent sfx.) this car is like a unicorn.
(laughter) turns out lemon juice doesn't cure pink eye. hi. how are you doing today? that's how i am. red head fred. ultra rare. i collect these too. nah, these are for my dog because he can never decide which one he wants until he gets home, so... american express presents the blue cash everyday card with no annual fee. cash back on purchases. my only concern is that this is where we put food. a dog's foot is cleaner than a human's mouth. that's what they say. is it? cleaner than my mouth. backed by the service and security of american express. a bull rider is bold. now a bull rider jumping from a plane ...while eating a crispety, crunchety butterfinger bar... ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...now that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. life as spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama.
you and i ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back everybody. my next guest is a comedian who created and stars in "the carmichael show" on nbc. >> the point is, successful people cheat. that's a reality, all right. but let's break this down by income. if a man makes less than $50,000 a year, that man... ( laughter ) probably faithful. but if he makes, like, $50,000 - $100,000, that means he thinks about it but won't act on it. you have nothing to worry about. >> what? >> $100,000-$500,000 means he's definitely cheating. and then anything over $500,000 means his wife knows his mistress by name. >> stephen: please welcome
( cheers and applause ) >> i wanted-- i was going to kiss you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm down for that. i'm down for that. not a problem. >> i know you are, but i feel like if i don't stop this train, then before you know it, everybody-- everyone -- >> stephen: and then-- >> during the primaries-- >> stephen: and then esperanza spalding is going to kiss me, and where does it lead? >> where does it stop? it stops in cold soreville. that's where it stops. you got to be careful with that. hey, you guys. you guys are fantastic. >> stephen: aren't they? ( cheers and applause ) >> and i like your shoes. >> oh, yeah, the jordans. >> of course, they're jordans. i know the sign of a rough childhood when i see one. those are nice shoes you got on right there. >> stephen: let's talk about your childhood. >> stephen: right now you're on a rocket ride.
you're about to launch your second season of your show. >> yeah. >> stephen: congratulations on that. >> thank you very much, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you're only 28 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: when i was 28 i was promising the woman who was about to marry me, "i promise you, i will get a job." >> really? >> stephen: just hang in there. hang in there. i'll get one. >> it turned around fast. what are you, like, 35 now? 35, 36? >> stephen: late 30s. >> late 30s. yeah, yeah, turned around fast. >> stephen: so you're from winston-salem, north carolina? did you go to r.j. reynolds high? >> no, i did not. how do you r.j. reynolds high? >> stephen: i'm from south carolina. >> that's right! south carolina. wait-- >> stephen: do you miss home at all? >> i miss eating. i miss the amount of brown food. >> stephen: yeah. >> that i would-- that i would eat. everything was, like, so fried. ( laughter ) you know, and i live in l.a. >> stephen: that's the secret of the south, man, dip it in concrete and deep fat fry it, no matter what it was. >> that's right. just throw it in there. health, smelth.
it is based on the amount of powdered sugar that's shaked on top. >> exactly, exactly. that's how you know it's breakfast. and you're south carolina. what city in south carolina? >> stephen: charleston. james island, but then charleston down the coast. >> yeah. i think it's really nice. it's very interesting when i heard sally endorse hillary. you know, and that's good for, i guess, south carolina to hear, right? >> stephen: good for south carolina to hear endorsing hillary? >> i feel like, you know, we live in these bubbles you know, l.a. and new york, and i realized that people don't vote the way you think people are going to vote, you know. people are having, like, interesting views. a lot of you, i'm sure, are from, you know, places where-- like donald trump, for instance, he sounds like totally absurd to a lot of my friends. and i get that he says, like, crazy things but, you know, i get that a lot of people, obviously, are still supporting him. >> stephen: clearly. more and more people all the
>> and truthfully, as someone who recently moved to a new tax bracket... ( laughter ) i-- i think he has some interesting ideas sometimes. ( cheers and applause ) like every now and then -- >> stephen: he's making some sense. >> every now and then -- >> stephen: you know what you are? you know what you are right now? you're a job creator is what you are right now. >> it's about time. >> stephen: you made this. >> thank you very much. you know, here's the thing. >> stephen: what is the thing? let me write the thing down. >> write the thing down. here's the thing. >> stephen: "the thing." >> i realized a thing i may agree with trump on. >> stephen: what's that? >> the wall. i like the wall. >> stephen: yeah. >> i saw him here. he was talking about the wall, big fat door. i tonight know what that means. i don't like hearing him talk about the wall, but i like the idea of a wall. and it's not that i'm, like, anti-mexican, but i'm pro wall. >> stephen: you just enjoy walls in general? >> walls are amazing. like we have them in our homes for a reason. you wouldn't tear down a wall so
oppressed. >> stephen: it also keeps the weather out. >> it keeps the weather out. walls are great. >> stephen: it won't keep the mexican weather out of the united states. it would have to be a very tall wall. >> i thought it was interesting. i wanted to endorse somebody, and i didn't feel it. i saw sally -- >> but you endorsed trump just now. >> no, no! that's-- ( applause ) i have got to think about it. i have got to make sure i'm not. i'll-- i'll let you know in a couple of weeks. >> stephen: tonight, the new season premiere is this sunday officially. >> yeah. >> stephen: but what time by the way? >> oh! 9:00. 9:00. >> stephen: did you just pull that one out of your hat? >> exactly. you know exactly what i did. just start watching around 8:30. ( laughter ) eventually, just -- >> stephen: it will get to you. >> you'll see a group of black people. >> stephen: you have a sneak preview. it will already have been on by the time of this broadcast.
>> sneak peek. >> stephen: and it's about cheating. >> yeah. >> stephen: basically, that everybody cheats. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you take a moral stance in this on everybody cheats or are you okay with the moral ambiguity with, yeah, people want what they want? >> i think you could earn it. >> stephen: you could earn what, earning the right to cheat? >> you earn it. you work really, really hard. you work really, really hard. >> stephen: how could you establish that ledger with your wife? i just want to keep track, and once i take the garbage out 10 times-- >> well i'll tell you, i'll tell you, by not being married, number one. that's the easy way for me to do it. i think certain people kind of earn cheating. you work really, really hard-- not that you earn it, but you earn immediate forgiveness. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, like, for instance, bill gates cheats on his wife, right? >> stephen: no, not right, not right. no, he does not. >> sure, but -- >> melinda is lovely. >> she is beautiful and there's no reason to.
>> if. >> he deserves at most a stern talking to. ( laughter ) >> stephen: why, because he's rich? >> because he's rich, of course. >> stephen: how high of a tax bracket are you in right now? ( laughter ) you really do sound like a trump voter. >> the kind where morals are like blurred. ( cheers and applause ) you guys-- you guys-- you guys clap. there are people here that kind of, you know, you forgive it. you forgive rich people sometimes. >> stephen: well, we like rich people because we aspire to be them, i think. yeah, that's cool because when i get there i want those rules for me. >> exactly, exactly. and cheating is one of those rules where the line should be-- listen, we shouldn't erase the line. it should be like a wall. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and you just get a ladder and climb right over it. >> you climb over that wall into your mistress' apartment. >> stephen: can mexicans just earn the right to come to the united states if we build a tall enough wall, and if they make
go, "okay, you're in?" >> yeah, well, here's the thing. the same way i like guests in my apartment. i like people to be invited. and i'm not-- i wouldn't stop anyone from coming. i would just like to know that you're coming. for instance, i'm here because of slavery, right? >> stephen: no, you're here because i invited you. ( cheers and applause ) >> exactly. exactly. yeah. >> stephen: your family, your family is here because of slavery. >> but even slavery in a sense it's like, you know, it was an invitation. it was an aggressive invitation. >> stephen: yes. it was one of the toughest unpaid internships ever offered. >> hard invitation, but an invitation. >> stephen: yeah. well how about an invitation to come back. this has been delightful. >> thank you for having me. i'm a huge fan. >> stephen: i'm so thrilled and i can't wait to see the show. and i enjoy your views on immigration. ( laughter ) and i-- and welcome to the tax bracket, my brother. >> thank you very much. thank you very much. >> stephen: season two of "the
with the bring your own phone activation kit... you keep your same phone... same 4g lte network... and same number. so what's better? how about paying half as much... with no contract or mystery fees. because straight talk's unlimited plan... is just $45 bucks a month. it's not just better... it's...amazing! stupendous! it's... well, you get the idea. find out more at straighttalkbyop.com
sally was talking about hillary clinton earlier and jerrod was talking about trump, and there were some primaries last night all around the country. and you want to talk about the election a little bit right now? ( applause ) here's what happened. on the democratic side last night, michigan was definitely feeling the bern. ( cheers and applause ) and the bern was not just from the water in flint. bernie sanders stunned the prognosticators by taking michigan after trailing hillary clinton by 21 points in the latest polls. but hillary clinton took it graciously. here's her official statement after the results came in. >> what's happening! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, on the republican side, donald trump
mississippi, and hawaii, so now aloha means both hello and good- bye, republican party. did y'all catch his victory speech? ( cheers and applause ) i thought you did. ( laughter ) because it was on every single channel. i think even nick jr. was running it because i saw some sort of orange blob on tv. so, hey-- hey! hey, kids! hi! hey! hi! hey! hey! mexicans are coming to kill us! so here's the deal. last week, mitt romney called donald trump a fraud and a bad businessman because things like "trump" magazine, and trump water, and trump steaks had all failed. so last night, after winning mitt's home state of michigan, trump's victory speech had a little bit of product placement.
speech the other day. i brought some things up because he said my water company is gone. i said, "it is? i didn't know that." i have very successful companies. we sell water, and we have water, and it is very successful. we have "trump" magazine. it's called the "jewel of palm beach." it goes to all of my clubs. i've had it for many years, and it's the magazine. you have the wines and all of that. very proud of that. we make the finest wine. it's as good wine as you can get anywhere in the world. and we have trump steaks. >> stephen: that's right. that's right, trump gave his victory speech next to a pyramid of raw steak. he was either trying to introduce mitt rom or introducing his new running mate, trump, pile of meat, 2016. good luck telling them apart. it was like watching an infomercial. if he's elected, this would make
sicker, "as seen on tv." i think, i think-- if we're honest-- i think i know what's going on here. donald is just insecure. i don't know if trump even wants to be president. the guy just needs constant validation. that's clear. isn't that all any of us want? love? just love and maybe steak? ( laughter ) and if we just give that to him, maybe he'll go away. so mr. trump. ( cheers and applause ) mr. trump-- mr. trump-- mr. trump-- and i know you're watching because i said your name three times. i just want you to know that everyone thinks you're cool. okay, you are smart. you are good at companies and businessing. and no doubt, you're hung like a pool noodle. oh, what's that? oh, what's that? i'm getting a phone call. hello?
what's that? you were secretly jealous of him the whole time? and now you're married to far fewer women? okay, i'll tell him. good-bye, real call. ( laughter ) besides, donald, you don't need to run for president, because there's an even cooler, more elite position out there, and we've all voted that you are it. it's america's number one man. and tonight, to make it official, i'm giving you the "number one man" trophy. and you'll love it because it's packed with meat. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with esperanza spalding. honey, did you call the insurance company? not yet, i'm... folding the laundry! can you? no... cleaning the windows! the living room's a disaster! (vo) most insurance companies give you every reason to avoid them. plants need planting!
(vo) nationwide is different. hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim? (vo) we put members first. actually, they called me. nationwide is on your side nationwide is the exclusive insurance partner of plenti. never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. (politely) wait, wait, wait! you can't put it in like... ...that, you have to rinse it first that's baked- on alfredo. baked-on? it's never gonna work. dish issues? cascade platinum... powers... through... your toughest stuck-on food. so let your dishwasher be the dishwasher. see? told you it would work. cascade. e trade is all about seizing opportunity. so i'm going to take this opportunity to go off script. so if i wanna go to jersey and check out shotsy tuccerelli's portfolio, what's it to you? or i'm a scottish mason
planting your own flag of conquered fear and fantasy right on me with this pretty girl flow with this pretty girl flow promise not to name me and i'll even let you climb inside my mountain of good times, good lava we all know you wanna see this pretty girl flow you want it see this pretty girl flow you want it see this pretty girl flow you