Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

11:35 pm
we'll see you later. >> bill walton! thanks for being my announcer tonight, man. necessary great. >> my pleasure, stephen. anything for you. but i've just got one request. would you mind mentioning my new book "back from the dead." >> stephen: wait, you mean this charming and inspirational memoir detailing a longtime grateful dead fan's remarkable journey to become the greatest n.b.a. player ever. i'm sorry, we don't have time, bill. >> okay, i'll do it anyway. but technically, i'm not an announcer. i'm a color commentator. is that a problem for you stephen. >> stephen: problem, i can fake the funk on a nasty dunk? it's not a problem. >> tonight, all the way from midtown. the "late show" starting lineup. j.k. simmons. and jane krakowski of throw it
11:36 pm
chris wallace will bring the answers. plus, jon batiste and stay human. you can't spell their name without "t" and also other letters. folks, this lineup is so good. now it's time for "the late show" with your host, dave coulier. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: good to see you! hey, everybody! >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to "the late show"." please, thank you so much. thanks, everybody.
11:37 pm
i am your host, stephen colbert. and thank you for that. i'll take what i can get. i'd like to start off tonight with a person question, if you guys don't mind. a show of hands. how you go to the bathroom. okay, looks like we've got a majority. it looks like women go to the bathroom, too. that's disappointing. i ask because if you follow the news, there are laws, like down in north carolina, which are regulate chicago bathrooms transgender people are allowed to use. this is huge news. even the candidates are talking about it. and now a protest group has collected 750,000 pledges to boycott the store target over their policy of welcoming transjerpd people to use whichever bathroom matches their identity. it is hard to believe a company called target would ever find itself at-- how do i put this-- the center of something that
11:38 pm
it's like there is some kind of sign on their back, making it easier to shoot them. well, here is where i stand. i know you want to know where i stand on this. here's the thing. i don't care if you're male or female, what sex or gender identity someone is, i-- and i mean this sincerely-- do not want to share a bathroom with anyone. okay. for two reasons... number one and number two. ( cheers and applause ) no, i don't. whose idea was it to have all of us in there together anyway? that's what's wrong. i don't know about you, but my bathroom at home is not a two-seater. and when i am forced to use a public bathroom-- which is infrequently, thank god!
11:39 pm
i don't know who's next to me. it could be a centaur for all i know. i don't even like to look myself in the mirror. i know what i did. i am there for a surgical strike. get in, get out, with minimal casualties. so if there are going to be any new bathroom laws, here are some that we actually need. first off, no chitchat. i am not there to make friends. if we have just come out of a movie, and you are standing next to me, i don't want to talk about how irreplaceable robert downey jr. is as iron man. i don't care if you're robert downey jr. yourself. second, if you're a fan of mine, that's wonderful. please do not try to shake my hand in there because i know what you just shook. also, if there are a bunch of open stalls, don't take the one next to me. it's not the buddy system! those are just a few suggestions. and to all those lawmakers who are so obsessed with who is using what bathroom and what
11:40 pm
news flash-- you're the weirdoes. ( cheers and applause ) oh, look! oh, look! it's our friend jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: wow. got to freshen up a little bit. you guys been following the news? you follow the news before coming in here? i do, too. and today is another big day in the presidential race with five states going to the polls. yes, i still count rhode island as a state. i don't care what anybody says. now, we tape this show at 5:30,
11:41 pm
just kidding, it's donald trump. he won. his candidacy just got five states less funny tonight. and this victory for trump comes despite how hungry cruz and kasich are for a big win, or in the case of john kasich, just hungry. here he is on the campaign trail eating pizza. there he is polishing off soup and pickles, stopping in another place for a fish sandwich, grabbing more pizza and, finally, washing it down with everything in the bronx, which explains his new campaign slogan: john kasich... you going to finish that? i am not the only one who's noticed kasich's eating habits. so has donald trump. >> he has a news conference all the time when he's eating. i have never seen a human being eat in such a disgusting fashion. this guy takes a pancake, and he's shoving it in his mouth. it's disgusting. do you want that for your president? i don't think so.
11:42 pm
it's disgust-- honestly, it's disgusting. he's eating today's, stuffing it. i never saw. bites this big, he's pushing it in with his-- i never saw a guy eat like this. i told my son-- he was watching-- he said, "daddy, look!" i said, "don't watch." little bites. little bites. >> stephen: so this is where we are. this is where we are. these attacks on eating habits really miss days when the candidates stuck to issues of substance, like the size of their hands and penises. but it is outrageous behavior like this and insults like this that have shot trump to the top of the polls. but a lot of republicans fear that the very thing that has made him so popular in the primaries will doom trump and
11:43 pm
the general election. so to put these fears to rest, trump aide and future joe pesci character, paul manafort, recently told a closed-door meeting of worried republican leaders that trump's outrageous public persona is all an act. he's just pretending to be an offensive loose cannon, just like the g.o.p. will soon be pretending they're happy he's the nominee. this revelation raises some serious questions. who is the real donald trump? is he a cartoon-ish egomaniac or an entirely different kind of maniac? here to answer those questions, please welcome cartoon donald trump. ( applause ) sir, thank you for coming back, mr. cartoon trump. >> whoo! i'm kickin' ass! i'm taking over the republican party, knocking it down, and putting up some condos! whooo!
11:44 pm
brash, shoot-from-the-hit style, your supporters love it, but is it all just an act? are you serious? of course it's an act. come on. >> stephen: what? >> come now, old bean. you didn't seriously think i believed what i was saying during this campaign. if so, you're even crazier than i've been pretending to be. that's rich. up top. ( laughter ). >> stephen: wait, wait. you've been acting like this for >> it's the long con, stephen. "the apprentice" would never have worked if my catchphrase had been, "i'm afraid we're going to have to let you go." >> stephen: wait, wait, so let me get this straight. everything you've said in the campaign up until now is-- >> a show, a charade, a bit of razzle-dazzle for the peasants in the cheap seats. by the way, where are my manners? would you care for some tea? it's lapshang souchong. it soothes the soul as it pampers the senses. delightful, stephen.
11:45 pm
all guilty that you've lied this whole time. >> well, stephen, two things were true: i actually do want to deport the mexicans, and my penis is huge. it's the best. it got a blue ribbon at my club's penis regatta. >> stephen: so, so, you can just turn your trumpiness on and off at will? >> absolutely. i'm the greatest character actor of all time. meryl streep can kiss my ass. kidding, of course. meryl is a friend. love you mer-bear. >> stephen: so which trump are we going to see from now on in this campaign? >> neither, stephen. this isn't even my final form, check it out. behold your new president. i'm beautiful! >> stephen: cartoon donald trump, everybody. we'll be right back.
11:46 pm
what knee pain? what sore elbow? what joint pain? advil liqui-gels are so fast, they make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer than advil liqui-gels the world's #1 choice what pain? advil. shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place to get into a new ford escape. escape leads the way with the convenience of a foot-activated rear liftgate. plus, the power and efficiency of ecoboost technology. you'll find a full lineup of ford suvs designed to help you be unstoppable. right now you can drive a new escape and get 0% financing for 72 months plus $500 cash. hurry, this offer is for a limited time only.
11:47 pm
what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. how can this have been washed 12 weeks ago and still smell like springtime? unstopables in-wash scent boosters. the more you pour, the more scent you'll savor. toss it in before your clothes for luxurious scent up to 12 weeks. unstopables by downy.
11:48 pm
t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use..., t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services... free! without using one bit of your lte data. plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. get four lines... ...with ten gigs of 4g lte data each ..for just thirty-five bucks per line...
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
( cheers and applause ) just the two of us and you i >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an oscar winner and one of my favorite actors. please welcome j.k. simmons! ( applause ) >> stephen: that's jazz. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: that's a jazz band right there. i want to get into your new movie in just a second. can we talk about "whiplash" for just one second. >> no. >> stephen: we can't talk about it at all?
11:51 pm
>> stephen: a fantastic movie, loved it, tremendous performance, well-deserved oscar-- >> we can talk about it. >> stephen: we can talk about it now? were into jazz before that or did you get into jazz specifically for that? >> i always had an appreciation for it. i went to music school. i did rock 'n' roll. i did classical. i was never really like a jazz guy but that definitely got me going. >> stephen: because you faked it really well. >> thank you. that's what i do for a living. >> stephen: what is the beard for? what are you faking now with the beard, because you look like-- this is, like, man about town, homeless sea captain. with that combination, it's a great combination. >> incredibly insightful, because that's exactly the character i was just playing was-- it was sort of a raconteur, homeless former sea captain, man about town-- no, i was playing-- i was playing a sort of a sad, lonely, dying alcoholic in a movie my wife wrote for me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i wrote it with you in mind.
11:52 pm
directed it. >> she cowrote it and directed it. we just finished on friday. and she basically wanted me to look as bad as possible naked. >> stephen: as bad as possible naked? >> yeah. so i-- i had two choices. i could either get bloated, you know, or get scrawning, so i decide getting scrawny was probably a little healthier. i just lost some weight and got hairy. >> stephen: and how do you think you look naked? >> awesome. i thought i looked great. >> stephen: there's nothing to be done. "honey, i did my best." >> for a man of a certain age. >> stephen: like, you know, doing a movie with your wife and she's the director, do you bring the work home at all at the end of the day. >> it's really the same thing, getting bossed around at work and at home. >> stephen: did she complain about the oscar winner have to deal with every day? >> constantly, to anybody who would listen. which is everybody, because if you're the director everybody is going to --
11:53 pm
living character actors. i think that's been established. ( applause ) okay, so you're in a position to explain this. what is the difference between a character actor-- that term gets thrown around a lot-- a character actor and just a regular actor? >> a character actor is just not that good looking. ( laughter ). >> stephen: really? that must be a struggle for you. >> that's what it comes down to. the guys that you think about as character actors just visualize them, you know. myself included. and now visualize-- >> stephen: i'm visualizing you naked now, actually. still look pretty good, still look pretty good. >> thank you. and, you know, then cleany and pitt, and -- >> hold on. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i got-- i got both of them in my mind right now. this is very interesting. and they're wrestling. it's very interesting. >> all oiled up. >> stephen: all oiled up and everything. a movie about the ancient
11:54 pm
>> a couple of weeks ago. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) congratulations, you're commissioner gordon now. >> yes, i will be soon. >> stephen: that's wonderful. soon to be commissioner gordon, the justice league. >> the justice league. >> stephen: the justice league movies. you're also in the marvel, spider-man, do you need a special passport to go from the marvel universe to the d.c. yufers. >> i don't have it yet. the paperwork is in progress. i start in a couple of months. hopefully things will be sorted out by then. >> stephen: did you learn anything playing in these super hero movies, how to act in a super hero movie? >> obviously, when i was playing j.j.j., as the marvel people called him, he seemed hike a character to me they did my absolute best to rip off the pages of the comic books because he was a very broad, sort of
11:55 pm
and commissioner jordan i still have to do a lot of work on, because i've seen the movies as everybody else has and seen good actors play jordan. >> stephen: you were bigger than life. ( applause ) >> it was really, really, really fun doing those movieses with sam and toney and everybody was a gift. >> stephen: will with, you didn't actually start-- people didn't get to know you nationally until you were in your 40s. you didn't do tv or films until them. what were you doing before we got to know you? >> i was doing shakespeare for $217 a week all over the place. and musical theater and, you know, just doing -- >> did you grow up in a theatrical family? >> my dad was a musician, a music teacher, college teacher. junior high teacher when i was a little kid. so i grew up in a sort of creative, artistic, you know, family. and then we were all-- my
11:56 pm
sort of encouraged to do whatever fun stuff we wanted to do. and here i'm doing it for a living, which is amazing. >> stephen: we'll take a little break, but we'd like to talk a little more when we come back. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more j.k. simmons.the right. and here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna swirl it. i'm gonna smell it. i'm just gonna take one small sip... kinda seemed like more than a sip. here let me show you. ahhh!!! refined. 1893. made with kola nut extract and real sugar.
11:57 pm
when a rear hatch remembers your height. when systems can help sense your surroundings. and when cameras change your perspective. that's the more human side of engineering. experience what a lincoln can do for you at the lincoln spring collection event. your choice of the lincoln mkc or mkz for $2 a month, or get 0% apr for 60 months. discover card. i missed a payment. aw, shoot. shoot! this is bad. no! we're good! this is your first time missing a payment. and you've got the discover it card, so we won't hike up your apr for paying late. that's great! it is great! (both simultaneously) thank you. at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. get the it card with late payment forgiveness. jay knows how to keep his wheels spinning. nice shorts, dad... they don't make 'em in adult sizes? this is what the pros wear. look at the lines... -uhhh... look at the other line... -mm-mhh.. that's why he starts his day with those two scoops
11:58 pm
ready to eat my dust? too bad i already filled up on raisins. by taking steps towards a healthy heart, jay knows he'll be ready for the turns ahead. hey, don't forget to put up your kickstand. (bike bell) (sighs) kellogg's raisin bran. and try tart and sweet
11:59 pm
12:00 am
everybody. we're here with the great j.k. simmons. now in the new movie, you've got, called "the meddler," with the beautiful and talented susan sarandon, you're like the romantic lead with susan sarandon. what's that like? >> geez, i guess you could say that. >> stephen: i just did. i said it. >> it's all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really, that's all you got for susan sarandon is it's all right? >> no, i'm so glad this came along at a time in my career
12:01 am
little confidence and know what i'm doing. if someone said, "you're going to play scenes across from susan sarandon" 20 years ago, i would have crapped myself. >> stephen: that's frowned on, on the set. she's a medler, because she's a meddling mother who has gone to sort of meddle with her daughter's life. >> he's talking about her character. >> stephen: and you play a policeman, a kind of a sexy policeman rides a harley. >> yeah. i play a stud. >> stephen: kind of a stud. it's typecasting, typecasting. we all know what you look like naked. we kind of do. we kind of all know at this point. scrawny but sexy at the same time, like a carney. i bet you look like a carney. ( laughter ). >> yeah that's a good image. it's a disturbing image. >> stephen: exactly. but sometimes sexy is disturbing. and we actually have a scene here of and you susan sarandon. and this is the two of you just kind of mooning at each other here. jim.
12:02 am
people and your cat people. i am a man with chickens. >> get out of here. chickens? >> absolutely. >> how many? >> well, you know, what they say about counting chickens. >> no. >> you don't know what they say about counting chickens really? >> no. >> didn't your grandma ever tell you that? >> no, my grandma doesn't have chickens. >> oh, yeah, you are a city girl, aren't you? ( cheers and applause ) >> lorrine scafarria, wrote a brilliant and wonderful script and most of that was not in it. >> stephen: what we just watched. >> i have the line, "you know what they say about counting chickens." and in the script she kind of nods her head and we go on to whatever the next beat is. and the second take i said that line about counting chickens.
12:03 am
you saw was what followed after that, you know, just -- >> did she go off book a lot? is she a loose cannon? >> she's totally out of control. i don't know what you heard-- she'll be here tomorrow. >> stephen: she's my guest tomorrow night. anything i should ask her? >> just be careful because -- >> i will, i will. well, you seem kind of tender there. but you often play very stern characters, you know, very stern, kind of distant characters. why do you think you're cast that way so often? >> i used to think it's just because i'm like a bald guy way low voice, so i play stern authority figures. >> stephen: it could be. >> but i think it's really just-- i think my i were curmudgeon is just not as inner as i think it is. >> stephen: i picture you as a stern father figure a lot. >> my kids make fun of the fact that i play the stern dad. >> stephen: oh, really. >> yeah. >> stephen: i think one of the
12:04 am
father, any time a stern father praises you in any way, it means twice as much. it goes a long way. my yudience out here, i want to make them feel good about themselves right now. and the people watching at home. ( cheers and applause ) so i was hoping that maybe the two of us right now in our most stern father way could praise them in the most minimal way possible. would you help me do that? >> i would be happy, to, yeah. not happy. i'm willing to. this is "the late show's" stern father finally praises you. >> hey, kiddo >> stephen: great. , that thing you do that i don't really understand or pay any attention to, i hear you're good at it, that's great. ( applause ). >> stephen: look, i want you to know i was wrong.
12:05 am
( laughter ) i drove past the garbage cans this morning. they were in a straight line. didn't know you had it in you >> i drove past the garbage cans >> stephen: your mom and i agree if we ever go into the witness protection program, we'll take you with us. >> thank you for the mug. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's not the joke. ( laughter ) some day i promise i'll get around to reading it. >> stephen: they say you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. but you did them one better today. you missed 100% of the shots you did take. >> whoever you choose as your life's partner >> whoever you choose as your , i want you to know i love and support you, but to be completely honest, i was always hoping you were gay.
12:06 am
( applause ) >> i'm sorry i missed your tenth birthday party. if i could build a time machine and go back, i would. in fact, working on that machine was the reason i missed all your subsequent birthday parties. i never could get it quite calibrated right. the closest i got was going back to the moment of your conception which i watched behind a dresser while your mom and i, you know, conceived you. the point is twint years ago, i had a butt like a firm peach. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: "the meddler" is out now in new york and los angeles, nationwide in may. j.k. simmons, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you, sir.ze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis.
12:07 am
(sfx: message sent) i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! has available built-in 4g lte wifi (sfx: message sent) rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. this car gets an epa estimated 40 mpg highway. this car is like a unicorn.
12:08 am
how are you supposed to choose one? simple. you don't. at red lobster's create your own seafood trios, you get to pick 3 of 9 all-new creations for just $15.99. and with this many new flavors trust me, you'll be glad you can try three. like creamy baked lobster alfredo and grilled chimichurri shrimp and panko-crusted crab cakes bursting with crabmeat. because some choices are hard, but this one, this one's easy. so hurry in before it ends! yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm.
12:09 am
jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm.
12:10 am
sir, this alien life form is growing at an alarming rate. growing fast, you say? we can't contain it any long... oh! you know, that reminds me of how geico's been the fastest-growing auto insurer for over 10 years straight. over ten years? mhm, geico's the company your friends and neighbors trust. and deservedly so. indeed. geico. expect great savings
12:11 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a tony award-winning actor and singer who currently stars in netflix's "unbreakable kimmy schmidt." >> what tookie sow long? >> why with rwe lisping? >> we are not lisping. i shattered a tooth. stop saying i sound stupid. one moment. you have to talk to the dentist. they're not taking me seriously. >> that's why you called me over? i've got to get pack to work. >> say you're me and you have to get in today. >> hello, puppets! >> i don't talk like mrs. doubtfire. >> it's always weird to hear your own voice. >> stephen: please welcome jane
12:12 am
( applause ) >> what a lovely studio audience. >> stephen: people like jane krakowski. that must be a good feeling. they're all your friends. jane krakowski, this is your life. >> i'm about to die. >> stephen: congratulations on kimmy schmidt. >> thank you so much. season two was just renewed for streaming. you can netflix and chill with me any time. >> stephen: really? >> am i using that right. >> stephen: do you know what that means? >>ip i think i don't. >> stephen: i hope not because i'm a married man. >> okay, no. >> stephen: netflix is fine. we're allowed to do that. do people ever they say netflix and chill to kimmy schmidt? >> not to me. >> stephen: that must be an odd sort of feeling to know people are getting together to have sex while you play in the background. >> or my dream come true. i'm not sure. do i feel as good from it, if
12:13 am
>> stephen: i hope people are having sex right now watching us. i would love that image. because i have to get the image of a naked j.k. simmons out of my head right now. congratulations, you're also on broadway. >> yes! ( applause ). >> stephen: in "she loves me" at the round about theater right down the street. >> you're our lovely neighbors to us. we're very happy to be in the neighborhood with you. >> stephen: you've done a ton of broadway. i understand this is a photo-- this is you and robert downey jr. >> yes. >> stephen: in a play called "american passion" in 1983. >> yes. >> stephen: i'm not familiar with the show. >> it was not a hit. it opened and closed on the same day. ( laughter ) >> stephen: honest to god, literally, you opened and didn't have to show up to work the next day? >> yeah, that's how it works. they close upon. they closed it down. the cast was remarkable. robert downing jr. was it in.
12:14 am
won an oscar for screen writing. here? >> i am about 13. >> stephen: 13 years old. >> 13 or 14. >> stephen: so you've been doing theater your entire life. >> oh, honey. i've suddenly been -- >> this is after the chilling. the chilling. >> that's right. we've done whole thing together. >> stephen: as somebody who does broadway all the time or has done a lot of broadway, is it taxing on your vocal chords to be doing this every night? >> it is, it is. it's one of those crazy things where i love the rigors of doing a brautd way show, i thrive on it. but you're exhausted. all day long you're like i can't do the show. my voice hurts, and i'm tired. and you hear the orchestra and you're like broadway! of i had photographs taken because i had some exhaustion from the show. >> stephen: i was sent this and had some question as to whether i was allowed to show this on cbs.
12:15 am
>> i think we should clarify that that is my vocal chords. >> stephen: why did you have to have photographs taken of your vocal chords? >> because apparently my larynx swings to the right. >> stephen: really. >> yeah. >> stephen: how much room is there in your throat? >> they're trying to move them back. this is all true, but it sounds ridiculous. >> stephen: they're trying to move your larynx back? >> there's a technical term for it, you can tell. >> stephen: it looks symmetrical to me. >> does my throat look fat. they had to take all these vocal chord pictures because my voice was, apparently, not vibrating properly. this all sounds just not right. and my larynx, swingses to the right and they're trying to move them back with vocal manipulation. >> stephen: does someone get their fingers down your throat. how do they-- >> it's crazy. yes, they literally-- first, they put on gloves. this is really getting kinky. >> stephen: that's a good
12:16 am
>> then they move your vocal box around and make you breathe while they're trying to push your larynx over. but it does make you sing better. i feel amazing. >> stephen: good, good, i'm so happy for you. >> am i the first person to come on here and tell that you. >> stephen: you are the first person to come on with a photograph of their insides. >> vocal chords. let's make that clear. not to be confused with any other part of the female anatomy. >> stephen: but technically, it is your vocal chords so it is a lady part. >> that is true. >> stephen: speak of ladies, you are a lady. you seem like a delightful person, but you often get cast, for instance, your character in "kimmy schmidt" you often play-- what's the word i'm looking for? >> rich monster ladies. thank you, thank you. >> stephen: yes, exactly.
12:17 am
there are lots of everyday, ordinary people out there. >> who? >> stephen: nonfamous people. they're nonfamous people out there doing things for other people all the time. >> not in new york city. ( laughter ). >> stephen: out there, out there in tv land. there are people out there who are sort of unsung heroes. >> oh,. >> stephen: who make other people happy, make their lives better. and i was hoping some day those people could get their song sung, get the songs they deserve. >> why, i'd love to! ( applause ) this is "the late show's unsung heroes!" i want to salute that gap saleslady
12:18 am
you told stephen when he tried on those khakis that his ass looked like a pear thanks and thank you, times square costumed characters out there day and night where else can you see olaf and elmo in a broken bottle fight? new york city. my money's on elmo. he's seen some ( bleep ). you're the unsung heroes you're never in the news you're the unsung heroes for all the little things you do's thanks to whoever drew a penis on that windshield's dirty glass it was kind of childish but i have to admit i still laughed off my ass hey, what about doctors and
12:19 am
>> what about them? aren't they heroes too? >> i guess so. but if it wasn't for drunk guys on trampolines they wouldn't have a job to doooo they're the unsung heroes they're gettin' the little jobs done they're the unsung heroes but tonight they're getting sung so thank you to bats for eating mosquitoes and thank you to the monkeys for eating those bats thanks to that craigslist guy you know what you did and thanks to the zookeeper who lets me pet the lions and thanks jane krakowski for singing this song with me and thank you stephen for plugging my musical it's "she loves me"
12:20 am
unsung heroes now you have been sung ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, yeah!
12:21 am
back! every day, you're thankful for the ones you love. and every day you promise to protect them. off! is here to help with proven protection against mosquitoes. trust our family to protect yours. sc johnson, a family company
12:22 am
mcdonald's quarter pounder with cheese seared on our grill and made with 100% real beef
12:23 am
12:24 am
raise your hand if you've got savings whiplash. you know, from car insurance companies shouting, "save $500 bucks over here." "no, save $300 bucks over here." "wait, save $400 bucks right here." with so many places offering so much buck saving, where do you start? well, esurance was born online, raised by technology, and majors in efficiency. so, they're actually built to save you money, and when they save, you save. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world. esurance, an allstate company. click or call. never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. (politely) wait, wait, wait! you can't put it in like... ...that, you have to rinse it first that's baked- on alfredo. baked-on? it's never gonna work. dish issues?
12:25 am
powers... through... your toughest stuck-on food. so let your dishwasher be the dishwasher. see? told you it would work. cascade. what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. and during this event, you can get a great deal on this jetta. it drives great... volkswagen believes safety is very important so all eleven models come standard with an intelligent crash response system... hmm..... .....and seven stability-enhancing systems... hmm... ...for more confidence... on road trips. hmmfff... hmm... for those who take safety seriously. like we do. the volkswagen safety in numbers event...
12:26 am
$1,000 volkswagen reward card when you purchase or lease select new 2015 or 2016 volkswagen models. you know mom, i will change you. change your body, and what you call love. i'm going to make you think less about yourself... and more about those little things you've never noticed. sometimes, i will turn your night into day... and for sure, i will mark you forever. but i promise mom,
12:27 am
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight has been in journalism for over 50 years. he is the host of "fox news sunday," which celebrates its 20th anniversary this thursday. please welcome chris wallace! ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to have you on. >> this is fun. i'm gunning to think-- i'm missed it for 20 years. we need a band. we need an audience. you can imagine "fox news
12:28 am
that would be great. it would be sensational. >> stephen: it would certainly wake people up on a sunday morning. >> the band likes it. guys, you got anything to do on sundays. >> jon: we're sleeping on sundays. >> we'll work something out. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: you have trump on for the 20th anniversary show. >> we do. >> stephen: do you think it's an act, trump that is? >> the interesting thing is i don't think it's an act because everybody has been talking about how he needs to get more presidential and be more restrained and more dignified and he can't do it because that would be the act. this is donald trump dism he has said being presidential is easy, "i can do that in a minute but i have to do what i'm doing right now to keep the audience excited. i say build a wall and they get excited. >> he said one time,"being presidential is easy." i said, "why don't you start." >> stephen: boom. >> snap. >> stephen: that's nice, that's nice.
12:29 am
>> stephen: you wouldn't let-- what i like about you is that you are one-- >> what do you like about me? >> stephen: you didn't let trump call in. >> no, i didn't. >> stephen: why not? everybody let's-- i let trump call in. why didn't you let trump call in? >> all of the other shows had him on calling in. and i thought, wait a minute. sunday shows. probing interviews, in-depth, face to face, mano a mano, and they're letting him do a phoner like it's a radio show and i said i'm not going to do it. and all the competitors kept doing it. they all got a spike in the ratings. and i said if you're running for president you need to show up. we have to know whether you're in your pajamas or not, whether or not you have talking point. show up. let's see you face to face. and finally he started coming on ( applause ). >> stephen: good for you, excellent, excellent. >> thank you. >> stephen: rightly or wrongly, fox news is generally perceived to be the republican news network. i know "fox news sunday" is on
12:30 am
also on fox news channel. do you think it's fair to call fox news a conservative broadcasting network? >> no. look, there are obviously in prime-time, there are some shows, the opinion shows-- hannity, o'reilly-- that are conservative. no question about it. but we -- >> generally speak. >> we think there's a firewall between the opinion shows and hard news. and one of the things that's interesting, people even today, people on your staff came up and said, "you guys have been so great, so tough on the republicans in the debates." and i say, "do you watch fox news sunday? do you watch a lot of our shows? we commit journalism every day. >> stephen: so there's no sense of... uh... chaos, as to what the unified message would be or the narrative that's being created by the network. there's never any sense this is what we're going to be faulk today? this is the take we're going to have on a story? i'm asking honestly. i don't know the answer. >> i know there is this
12:31 am
are talking points and we have to all follow-- it's bull. i have done fox sunday 13 of the 20 years, tony snow preceded me. in that time, our great boss roger ales, all the executives under them, i never had a single call second guessing me about a guest, suggesting a line of questioning, second guessing a line of questioning. they let me do what i do. the only thing that roger ales ever said to me, "will you be just as tough on both sides." and i said, "it's in my d.n.a. that's what i do." i've done it for 13 years. >> stephen: you have done that for 13 years but you have done journalism for 50 years. this is-- ( applause ) ( cheers ) do you have anything to say. this look, sir? why did you ever abandon ramon? ( laughter ) it's a fantastic look. >> well, actually, i have two stories to tell.
12:32 am
was the 70s, okay. look at the -- >> you were at studio 54 with mick and bianca. >> i come home for christmas vacation. i was a reporter at the "boston globe" and my mother takes one look at that and she starts to rip it off like it's a groucho marx mustache. you talk about ramon. i bottom a tv reporter in chicago and a woman says, ", "i love you, i think you're great, but i can't pronounce your last name." and i said wallace, and she said no vilanuava. >> stephen: she thought you were hispanic? >> she thought i was of hispanic descent. >> stephen: the road less taken. >> i could have been geraldo rivera. who is to say? >> stephen: i understand-- while you're a serious journalist, i understand that you have some-- >> you've done your research, haven't you.
12:33 am
>> actually, that's true you. >> stephen: have some very common tastes in television, that you enjoy t.m.z., is this true? >> i love t.m.z. >> stephen: do you hang out with celebrities? >> well, i am right now. >> stephen: that's awfully nice. that's awfully nice. that was lovely. i suddenly have great affection for you. but anybody big? i understand you went to lake cuomo with clooney. >> di. and people always say to me, "what's it like to be at lake cuomo with george clooney." and i say, "it's exactly what you think it would be like. he's charlie, he's smart." the only thing that ticks me off is he knows more about politics than i do. the food is sensational. i was tejada white house correspondents' dinner. it was a black tie dinner. you have done the white house correspondents' dinner. >> stephen: i have. >> did it go well ear in the? >> stephen: i enjoyed it. >> were you an audience of one? >> stephen: i was. >> my wife said, "i've always wanted to go to lake cuomo."
12:34 am
lake cuomo." >> stephen: i've never been invited. you've been, brokaw, gergen, charlie rose, all you guys get invited. >> cronkite. >> stephen: is there skinny-dipping? >> is that why you want to go. >> stephen: yes. again i am trying to knock out the naked image of j.k. simmons. >> we're all trying to knock that out. >> stephen: good luck with mr. trump on sunday and congratulations on 20 years. >> stephen: "fox news sunday" airs on sundays on fox
12:35 am
chris wallace, thank you for dining with us. hope to see you again soon. whoa, whoa, i got this. just gotta get the check. almost there. i can't reach it. if you have alligator arms, you avoid picking up the check. what? it's what you do. i got this. thanks, dennis! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. growwwlph. it's what you do.
12:36 am
smoking causes 16 different types of cancer. you have one clear way to reduce your risk. you can quit smoking.
12:37 am
"late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be susan sarandon, david tennant, and a musical performance by "catfish and the bottlemen." now stay tuned for james corden, and his guest ice cube. good night! ( band playing intro music ) >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from africa, give it up for your


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on